“I’m Not Like Other Guys”

October 3, 2022

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I want to add an addition to “Men Have The Audacity” post. When I said I never had to approach a man, I feel that it is not my place to do. And this is my personal thought: If a man rather have a woman approach him, I predict he has a bit of sassiness in him or some type of feminine quality, not gay, but more so one of those men who misunderstands the elements of chivalry and being a gentleman.

Also, anytime I mention for a man to “do that on your own time” what I mean is I am not closed minded to think men don’t have flirtatious ways with women, just don’t do it when I am around. And I have hung out with enough of my guys friends to know that they do things that their girlfriends or wives would not like to see or hear about. Whatever a man does, the ones who set the bar high are the men who still protect their home and romantic relationships no matter what they do when they are out with friends or by themselves. A man in a relationship has to set the tone with other women so they know where their place is with him, because again, he still should protect the woman who is in a relationship with. Most men do know how to do this, but still think they are “not like other men”….

I told some people recently that the further you get in life the more “Your Type” become less YOUR TYPE. I look back on all the men I found interesting and I think to myself, “Yeah, I was a different person then.” And ALL of them without fail have said this line to me: I’m not like other guys. — I don’t know if this is just something they tell themselves or the fact they are completely unaware that their behaviors in social arenas with women are not too far different from the next.

Sidebar: Ladies, when you go to public places and make small talk with people, do they automatically assume you’re married??? I don’t know what it is, but more times than a little people make comments referring to a “husband” that I don’t have. For example, I went to HomeGoods to pick up a few things and at the checkout the woman said, “Are you and your husband redecorating?” Is there something that I am giving off that makes me a MARRIED WOMAN? And there is one particular guy friend I have where strangers think we are married. I don’t understand why they think that when we are not doing to saying anything to each other that eludes we’re married. So ladies, if this happens to you all the time, send me a message and tell me about your experiences or why you think this occurs.

What makes a man different from another man is the consistency in his words, actions, and affections for you. THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE FELLAS. And if you fck up, admit that you fckd up and learn to better yourself. Women love that; when a man acknowledges that he didn't make the best decisions and puts forth effort to be more conscious of you.

I loathe hearing a man say, “I’m not like other guys.” Especially when they prove themselves to be just the same. Think of it this way: You can always take different routes to reach the same destination.

You don't say you're different, you just be different.

Men Have The Audacity

September 27, 2022

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Let me start by saying I have just as many guy friends as I do girl friends, but there is usually an imbalance of who I hang out with more because I do not always agree with every woman’s common perspectives on men and relationships and my girl friends don’t usually like my input. — Ladies, sometimes we have to take some of the blame when relationships fail or if you are constantly looking for love, but love never finds you. There is a statement I saw that reads: “None of my exes are married or in happy relationships, so I know I wasn’t the problem.” - This may be true for some of you, but what about the latter? What if almost every ex you have went off and got married? Then does that mean YOU were the problem? I guess that would all depend on how many relationships you had, the longevity of each one, what transpired within the relationship, and what caused it to end.

BUT, let me get back on track…when men fck up, they fck up pretty bad, but downplay it like what they did wasn’t big deal. In the clip created by Jess Hilarious, it emphasizes a man being upset that a woman is possibly seeing other men. Then she responds to him by stating he has a NEWBORN. I think this information implies that the man was sleeping with other women while in some form of building or starting something with her, but he is making it seem like it shouldn’t be an issue.

A clip from comedian, Jess Hilarious.

Of course this is an exaggerated example, but it brings light to how men behave and still expect women to fall in line with their bad behavior. Okay, so you can go and have a child with another woman, but I have to be okay with it and still give you a chance? THE AUDACITY. It’s similar to him saying he’s interested in you, but then talks to other women and gets upset with you when you talk to other men, like you cannot dare do the same thing he’s doing.

Real Life Scenario: I was involved with someone and those of you who’ve been coming to this site a long time know I don’t entertain multiple people. So the guy and I are out one night having fun, enjoying the crowd and talking with people around us. I think nothing of it. It was a good night. But later on the guy mentions that I was acting different when another man came around (WHAT?). I was really trying to wrap my head around what he thought he saw and the actual reality of the situation which was we were have conversations with everyone around us and I didn’t change my body language in any way to make it seem like I was giving someone other than him special attention. In hindsight, that was an insecurity on his part. If he had an issue, he should have addressed it sooner than later because the sooner you address something, the better perspective you receive. I noticed he would casually bring things like this up, making assumptions I was talking to other men. It wasn't until later on I sensed he did this to justify himself, to deflect his poor behavior and lack of consideration for me because one time he let another woman be all over him! IN FRONT OF ME. It wasn’t one of those things where a man is dancing in the moment and just enjoying the atmosphere and a woman around him is doing the same. No, it was him letting this girl fondle all over him, sit on his lap like they were a couple and him just soaking it up and smiling about it. Fam, you do that on your own time, not when the woman you're sleeping with is around you. And then he acted like I was the one with an issue when I had an attitude about it. 🤨 — Okay Sir, be out here and clown all you want to. I told you men are stupid, right? Yeah, STUPID. This is why when you fck up with me, there’s no chance of you ever getting close to me again, so let’s hope that move was worth it. I wish you well and all the happiness the world believes you deserve.

Never in my life have I ever had to approach a man so I definitely don’t feel I need to chase one. If a man is not attracted to me or does not see how great I am, that’s fine, I’m not going to force anything on him — and me questioning certain things isn’t forcing, it’s gaining clarity. Some men don’t know this difference and thinks a woman is pressuring him. Like when you bring up things that bother you he makes it seem like you're the one that's being a bother. 😐 Fam, I'm trying to communicate my feelings to you! And the kicker is they think you're trying to argue when it only becomes an argument when they get offended and want to turn it back on you. Because they don’t understand emotional intelligence and aren't able to process how their actions affect your feelings 🙄

On the other side of the male spectrum, you guys remember the young man I met and decided not to string him along? Well, he still reaches out to me now and then and every time he does I more and more realize he does not understand or want to understand everything I need to do to maintain my life. I’m not going to go into details and I know he means no harm because again, we are at different stages in life so he cannot relate to me and of course he won’t full grasp why I’m not always available. But every time he reaches out to me it’s a constant reminder of, “Girl, you don’t have time to explain it to him, just type LOL and go.” He will be a great partner for someone one day, but I’m not her and I’m not about to waste his time while also wasting my time.

I don't need attention from everybody. If I like you and want to build something with you, I only want attention from you. It would be great if men started to practice this type of thinking too. This is called Accountability over Audacity. Let’s all work on this.

Opposing Views

September 21, 2022

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Seems like many of you watched the Shuler King video and a few of you sent me others to watch. And while most of you agree, there are some of you who have different thoughts.

This really isn’t a debate and let me give you some other thoughts for perception.

There are some people in there 20s who have established a few life’s common goals such as a home, a career, and possibly a family (kids). Those in this category have slightly different views of life (hopefully). For instance, I was 26/27 when I started getting into my career, made a decision to relocate, end my log term relationship, and started to lay down the concrete for my life. In my early 20s I was still figuring through some decisions and possibilities. It wasn't until about 31/32 was when I started to build upon the concrete I laid in my late 20s. Through my life experiences I was able to make more sound decisions with certain opportunities.

It is very possible for someone in their 20s to have their lives already together and it is possible for a woman in her 30s or 40s to still be trying to get her life together. Although, there is a category of women who wants a man to take care of them so they do not make much efforts to be stable on their own, kind of like going from their parents’ insurance to their husbands insurance.

So if you take age out of this, then you are left with who the person is, what they come with, where they want to go and what they plan to leave behind in order to pick up other experiences or lessons. But the overall thought of a man dating someone in her 20s is the common knowledge that those in that age group still need or want to live freely in order to gain some of life’s antidotes otherwise like the comedian said, “It’s going to get a little weird.”

It all ends up being where you are at in life and how much responsibilities you want to take on from your partner. With someone who is a little more established, they’ll be able to get through many small hurdles on their own and mainly lean on you for comfort, whereas someone who may not be a little more established may call on you for everything.

The other day I went to a cigar lounge. I never been there before. I went by myself; I was just looking for a laid back place to relax. Before I even went inside I was greeted by an older gentleman who told me to go in, have a seat and he’ll come bring me a drink. The man also introduced me to his friends who were there and as more of his acquaintances came, he made introductions with them too. All of the men there were at least in their late 50s to mid 60s. I didn’t feel uncomfortable or less adequate to be around them because my caliber is of a woman who is not only confident, educated, and personable, but I also carry many adult experiences that helps shape how I can communicate with people much older than me. My bestfriend came to meet me there and she pulls me aside and said, “Why do you always have a bunch of men around you?” 😂. I told her I didn’t do this, I just walked in and it happened. Then a short time after that her husband came and he pulls me aside and says, “Pooh, don’t ever come to these places by yourself again.” 😂 — They were just being cautious for me because I was visiting and neither I or them knew these people, but they were being very friendly with me.

The point is, I am able to have dialogue with men at any age because I can relate to a lot of things such as family, children, travel, education, property, politics, social concerns, etc. and I can articulate my thoughts well enough for them to know I am a well rounded woman who is of a certain age and who has standards and boundaries. Again, I go back to the 20 somethings, it is possible for a 25 year old to be further in life than her peers, but it is no very common that she’s gained enough experiences to fall into other categories outside of her age group.

Don't Give Everyone Access (RECAP)

September 15, 2022

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I wrote, Don’t Give Everyone Access in July 2020. And for whatever reason, ever since it’s been published it has been the most viewed each month. I do not know what's drawing people to it, I did not reveal any hidden secrets about life. I just talked about being aware of who is deserving of your time. I also mentioned that sometimes people need more time to become better versions of themselves and that the best way to do that is to give each other the separate space to grow. I gave an example of people falling apart and coming back together as better people, better friends, better partners. But I did advise that not everyone who goes in different directions are destined to come back together. Sometimes people grow apart and stay apart.

I attended a wedding recently 💍. My friend who got married reconnected with an old boyfriend after not seeing each other for several years and obviously they both became better lovers. They each had time to grow separately and figure out what they wanted in a relationship and after reconnecting and spending time together, they decided that being together is right for them. I am beyond happy for the newlyweds and the wedding was perfect. THE DETAILS! THE FCKN DETAILS! I FCKN LOVE MY FRIEND. She had 5ft tall letters that spelled out their names, she had floral wall installations for photo opportunities for her guest, and each seat at the table had goodies such a our names in acrylic cutouts, and since the husband is a DJ, the placemats were in the shape of vinyl records with a photo of the bride and groom in the center. I could go on and on about the visuals. OH AND HER RING!!! OMG HER RING!!! And her husband is so amazing and absolutely loves her, they’ve been together a few years so I’ve come to love him just as much as I love her. At the reception, he was encouraging us girls to get together because it's been too long since we all hung out. And I know he said this because he knows how much his wife cherishes her friendships. - Yes, sir we will make it happen! 🥰These two are the definition of falling apart and coming back together even better. And I am so happy my friend gave it another chance. 💝

On the other hand, another person I knew was in and out of a fling with a man for many years. Even though he would give her the impression he wanted a relationship with her, he never made it official, never asked her to be his girlfriend, and never claimed her as such to anyone. So the last time I was made aware of her reconnecting with him, he came back married and she continued to entertain him 🤬! Of course this goes against my own personal morals, but what really made me decide to distance myself from this woman was how she completely had no regard for the wife and said, “I don’t care how she feels. She took what I wanted.” after I asked her a question in hopes she would realize that what she’s doing is wrong. 😲😡 I. Was. Disgusted.

It toiled in my gut the next 24 hours. I was hurt, disappointed, and shocked at this person who speaks of women's empowerment, independence, strength, and support, but yet she wasn't fully exercising this in her personal life. I knew I could never look at her the same way. I never met the man, but anytime she would give me a recap of their conversations and time together, I knew what he was doing. 🙄 And I’m sure he knew it too. She made it all to easy for him to keep circling back around to her without offering anything substantial, but she always tried to defend her decisions by saying they are leading to a relationship or they talked about a relationship or that he did something to keep her hopeful; I saw through that too. I don’t know what their situation or status is as of today, I haven't spoken to the woman in over 2 years and at that time I remember thinking to myself, “God isn't going to bless her with a good husband.” Today, I still have no intention to be close friends with someone who romanticizes a future with a married man.

My wedding look - Dress: ShopMicas.com | Blazer: Valentino

I know women who are only interested in being with married men because of the noncommittal aspect of it and they just have fun with the men without anything too serious. I don’t agree with this either, but I understand it more than wanting to take a man from his wife or fanaticizing a life with him.

In this woman’s particular scenario, she wasn’t having fun. Her plans for him almost seemed premeditated. She should have never given that man so much access to her because each time he came back around, he expected her to let him back into her life — and she did without fail claiming to want closure and answers on why he keeps stringing her along. No, they didn't have any children together or have any shared common property. They were just two separate people who took advantage of each other’s willingness and lack of rationale. I was exhausted with it. If they at least had 1 child together, I may have been a little more empathetic, but no, it was just her having issues taking care of herself and trying to validate her own self value and him with several kids, different women, and a marriage that may or may not have been having issues; I think this was his 2nd marriage….Hmmm, I sense a pattern with that man. How about you? — Yeah, I too love it when men lie to me to keep me close to them. 🙄 Stupid. 😒 But to be honest, it is a good feeling to think you're the only one he wants even if it’s not all the way true.

When a man doesn't really value you he’s going to use you fill any voids he has and make you believe that by including you he sees you for everything you are when really you're just everything for the moment to him. You shouldn't allow him that privilege. Some may say it's best to live for the moment, I agree but only to a certain extent. Because if you keep having the moments where you’re intertwined in each others social life and personal life and nothing comes of it then you have a laundry list of, “What that hell am I doing?”

Although, this wasn’t the only reason I stopped all communication with the woman. After that last conversation, I reflected back on our friendship and I realized there were way too many times I tried to coax her out of whatever rut she was in and coddled her self-esteem issues. I didn't know it while I was in it, but that friendship was draining a lot of my energy and with the married man to top it all off, I just needed to step away and stay away. I don’t wish anything ill on people, I hope that woman is doing what's best and finds or has happiness. I just cannot have someone in my immediate circle who is motivated on hurting someone or has malicious intent for their own gain.

I’m my initial post in 2020, I listed things people can take from you:

Your energy
Your confidence
Your hard work
Your finances
Your rewards
YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

but I want to add these three:

Your time
Your values
Your good judgment

Without realizing it, people can change you for the worst because you see the good in them, because you are close to them, because you want to understand them, because they depend on you, because you want to be there for them. But people can really suck the life out of you and then you have nothing to give to yourself. If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us, but that’s no excuse to deplete yourself in order to appease someone else.

Everyone doesn't have access to me and can’t have access to me because I won’t allow it. My personal time, my personal space, my personal growth, my personal healing is just what is stated…personal. And guess what, you don’t have to get personal with everyone you know.

Shuler King Message

September 12, 2022

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One of my friends sent me this YouTube link. It features Shuler King (comedian) discussing his views on older men dating young women. His response was prompted by another man making the claim that he rather date younger women because they “go with the flow” and are “moldable”.

I figure I’d share this with you since it has been a recent topic here on the site. And to add a little more on my point of view on this: Men above….say 35 or even 40 who date women under 30 either do not like to be challenged or do not want to be challenged so they choose to go younger. The whole pill thing that’s mentioned in the video isn’t really anyone’s business but that man’s and his doctor’s suggestions. Some older men still have a good libido. — Hey, I’m trying to give you men some credit here because this video is criticizing you for some of your personal choices. But hey, in the words of Shuler King, “You like what you like.” (I can choose not to deal with you and I can choose how close I am to you.)

Also, if you surround yourself with young people or even surround yourself with like-minds, you’re going to attract those same like-minds. One of my good guy friends who is my age is always getting involved with 20-something women, although he himself has a 20-something way of thinking. I would call him out for it, but he won’t get it. Granted, I don't hang out with him or communicate with him often. Some men are just set and there's not much you can say to them without them getting offended and defensive.

And it’s not about dating younger, it’s more so about dating someone who still needs to establish some things in life and in your 20’s there is a good chance you’ve not done so yet….like having insurance which was mentioned in the video.

If you like the attention, that’s fine, but you don’t have to take it any further and make “friendships” that becomes questionable to your character. Another friend (male) used the phrase, “the weird old guy hanging around college aged girls”…again, I’m just the messenger. If you are this man, your life doesn't have to be mixed with mine, hey do what you like. Good luck out there, Fam.

My Phone Code

September 6, 2022

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One of my guilty pleasure is that I like to scroll through my social media accounts for mindless entertainment. Much of it is silly pet videos but others things that make my laugh are the women posting advice, tips, and horror stories about dating and men.

Ladies, if you have not picked up on this yet….MEN ARE STUPID. Not stupid in the sense they cannot do math or tie their shoes, but stupid in the sense they don’t always know how to talk to us or handle us. It’s like when a man gets around a woman all his common sense escapes his body. Although to be fair, women are a mixed bag, but that does not excuse the foolish ways men act around women. Even seeing a half naked woman makes them a little brain dead.

Anyway, more about my guilty pleasure. There’s this trending argument about whether or not to look through a man’s phone. My personal thought is, DON’T DO IT. Unless you are law enforcement or an emergency responder trying to get the last contact number for a victim, you should not be looking through anyone’s phone but your own.

Some women argue, “Well, how do I know if he’s lying to me or not?” - B*TCH, YOU KNOW IF A MAN IS LYING TO YOU WITHOUT NEEDING TO GO THROUGH HIS PHONE. If you don’t want to trust your own instincts, then go ahead and keep making yourself crazy. But let's look at this at 2 different angles…

If he's not doing anything, you're going to damage the relationship by lacking trust and confidence in him. Plus, if he has a female friend like me, you're going to think my text messages have some ulterior motives because I can use very loving words towards my friends such as, “My dear”, “My love”, “All my love to you”, “Thank you for being a gentleman”, “Thank you for thinking of me”, etc. If a woman were to see that, she's going to think something is going on. But what she won't see is how I still keep my distance with my friends who are married and in relationships; I won't contact them after a certain hour, nor on the weekends unless we're hanging out on the weekend, and I don't behave suggestively when I'm around them other than giving a hug and being excited to see them, I don't throw myself on them. But I can be very affectionate towards my guy friends.
If he is doing something, what exactly do you plan to do with the information you found? Are you going to leave him? Are you going to stay and always be second guessing everything he says? We know the saying ignorance is bliss. If you are happy, he's making you happy, you give each other space and still spend quality time together, people know you're together, and he's taking care of you, why ruin your own happiness? *I'm not advocating you stay with someone who breaks your heart, tears you down, makes you feel unvalued, and constantly has you questioning his feelings for you. I'm saying there is always going to be gray clouds in a relationship no matter what the issue is, but if he's doing his best to keep those clouds from blocking your sunlight or he's holding an umbrella over you when the rain comes, then love him for that. (I’m using a lot of metaphors here, I hope you're catching the underlying messages.)

I think myself as being realistic meaning men are men. They look at women, they talk to women, they flirt with women. I see it, I experience it. ALL. THE. TIME. And to be fair to the men, they blindly do it not always realizing what they're doing, granted sometimes men can take it too far, but I'll still never go through a man's phone. Because guess what, when you go looking for something you're going to find it even if it's not what you believe it is, but the fact that you'll grasp onto anything that supports your suspicion, whatever you find even if it's innocent, you're going to turn it into a mess.

For anyone I end up with, I can only hope he is the type of man who won't let anything or anyone come to my doorstep, call my phone, or approach me in any type of way and hold something over me as if I'm the one that's losing. If he's heart is with me then his actions with show it. It will be an element of pride for him to secure our relationship to know he has someone great and whoever tries to interfere won't reach their goals. They may claim a few fun moments, but they won't be able to claim him. — Am I making any sense? Are you guys understanding me? Ladies, hopefully you're not passing too many judgements against me. All I'm saying is, if you're relationship is good, let it be good. Don't let those dark suspicions have you going through his phone.

Questions? Comments?

August 31, 2022

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A lot of you send me questions and comments. Remember, you can use the “Contact Me” option to anonymously send an inquiry. There's a few topics that keep coming up so let's address them.

Who takes your pictures? - I do. I have experience in photography and I offer services when my schedule allows it, so I have a lot of equipment that I use to take my own photos. Aside from that, I’m a fashion person and always trying to fine tune my personal style. I hate to admit this, but I am not financially responsible when it comes to shopping. I have about 4 closets that are jam packed with clothes and about 25% still has tags on it. Yes, I have a problem.

Why do think older men date younger girls? - This comes more and more I’ve noticed. I don’t think this is a new issue or if it is even an issue at all. Women are always quick to make jabs at men who are with younger women; making jokes about her age comparing what she knows and what she’s able to do since she doesn’t have the same life experience. I wrote about this topic a while back in, “She’s Too Young For You, Bro” but, I wouldn't get hung up on this too much. A good majority of men do this. I’ve seen it in ALL of my guy friends, none of them were unique in this category. Men in their 40s and 50s dating girls in their 20s. 😳

It’s always happened, no matter what decade we look into. I don’t really know the reason why. Maybe men like what the younger women are offering or how they are displaying themselves? From what I’ve seen, many of the younger crowd are very “ambitious” and “eager” for a certain type of attention. Social media has spawned an illustrious fantasy of partying and being wild and it’s an appealing attribute for much of the younger crowds and maybe the older men find that appealing too.

Remember when I mentioned there was a young man who took interest to me? He was very sweet, but I realized very quickly there wasn't much we could talk about. He was at a different place in life than I am. But I did give him some credit and was very impressed that he was much further in life than others his age. He had his own fancy apartment, no roommates, already a few years into his career and extremely focused on aligning his skills to achieving more goals. He wasn't in an entry level job or working at as a cashier at a restaurant or store where he was waiting on something better to come along. Not that there's anything wrong with working at those positions, but he knew early on what he wanted to do and he started doing it. Yeah, that was impressive.

Back to the older men, I’m sure they have their reason, as questionable as it may look, but you don’t have to be involved with a man like that. If you notice a man always with a younger woman in his face, he probably doesn’t possess the qualities you want anyway. Although, I did mention all my guy friends have entertained younger girls, sometimes it was just for the moment in a club or lounge setting, but others did try to make something serious of it. Hey, if they're comfortable meeting her parents, much power to them.

And, I’m not romantically involved with any of them, so I don't bother them about it. But here's some perspective, when I was in my 20s, I was interested in older men. Many times we think older men are more mature, stable, emotionally conscious, and make better partners, but many of us realized THAT WASN’T ACCURATE. 😐 Men can be disappointing at any age.

Why did you disable the comments? - For anyone who doesn't recall, earlier this year and part of last year, the comments section was getting out of control and I did not have the bandwidth to manage it every hour. The comments were offensive to others and some of them were offensive to me, so it was just best to disable them and keep the, disabled. In the Member Only Reads, comments are allowed.

What are you studying now? - Some of you know I recently got accepted into a Doctoral Degree Program. My concentration is on Educational Leadership and Organizational Innovation. The program focuses on applications in real word settings and developing ways to administer change for improvements. The best thing about the program I chose is that my studies include the dissertation as oppose to other programs that have you study for 3-4 years and then work on your dissertation.

Why are you always talking about privacy even though you have a public website? - Privacy is very important to me and I still have to be very mindful of what I share and how much I share with the public. Even when I post things to my social media accounts, there’s always a wall of ambiguity.

Even with my friends and family, I do not share everything with them. If you notice with your own experiences, when you share something, people begin to expect you to continue sharing with them or updating them with more details about yourself. There’s things I do not mind sharing, such as the fact that I am in Grad school, but I’m not going to share details of my coursework, who my classmates are, or the names of my professors. I share surface level information…I hope that makes sense.

With my personal life I am protective of it. I may share my experiences, but I won’t share identifying details of who, what, when and where. For instance, if I get into a relationship, you are most likely never going to see a picture of him, unless it’s a wedding photo. And with my friends and family, they may never even know his name if it’s not serious and I’m very tight lipped on what intricate details I share with them about my relationships. When I was with my ex he would share EVERYTHING that happened in our relationship with people, but me on the other hand, I wanted to keep our matters within our home and with any issues, I wanted us to talk about it to each other, not to the world. And I continue to have this mindset. — For years, my friends knew I was vaguely involved with someone who I referred to as “Alabama”. And anytime they would ask about him, they would use the same moniker I gave him, “How's Alabama?”, “When’s the last time you saw Alabama?” — I would directly answer their questions and move onto the next topic. I wouldn't linger or go into any further details. I wasn't keeping anything secret, I feel like secrecy is lying with a twist. I was open about the fact I was sleeping with someone, I just decided to keep everything else between us. I don't have problem with people knowing certain things about me, but I want to live my personal life according to me, not everyone else.

Stay Unbroken

August 25, 2022

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DISCLAIMER: This post is just for laughs. Please do not take any content seriously.

Ladies, here are sure fire ways to keep from getting your heart broken.

Shirt is from a Woman Owned Small Business in Philadelphia, PA - forthejawns.com

If he sends you a text message and you instantly start smiling when you see his name, ABORT MISSION and BLOCK HIM! Those are feelings coming to surface and you don’t have time for feelings! 🙃
If he asks you to come hang out with just him, DON’T DO IT!! It's a trap. You'll end up having a good time, you’ll start liking his company and then when he’s not available, you’re going to wonder if he’s out with another heffa. 😳
If he comments on how soft your skin looks, GIRL JUST WALK AWAY and don’t let him touch nothing on you! 🚫
If he calls you Beautiful or uses other terms of endearment like Babe or Baby Girl, RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK! Those are ‘warming her up’ terms and we don’t need that nonsense!🏃🏽‍♀️
If he asks you about your day, DON’T RESPOND. He’s trying see where he can fit into that day. 👀
If he tells you to come over because he made dinner, STAY HOME! You’ll wake up the next morning wearing his t-shirt. 🥴
If he says, “You’re good people.” IT’S A MIND TRICK! What he’s really saying is that you probably are good at keeping secrets and not telling people you’re fooling around so he can tell people nothing is going on between you two. 😵‍💫
If you catch him looking at you and doesn’t say anything ACT STUPID like you didn’t notice him lusting on you because if you engage in whatever he is thinking about you’ll be undoing your bra strap for him later than night! 🙈
If he asks you, “Why are you running from me?” when you keep ducking his advances, that’s him trying to smoothly assert his dominance and ladies we all do get a weakness for those dominate men. DON’T FALL FOR IT! 😵
If you need some handy work done around the house and he offers to come over to help, B*TCH CALL A HANDY MAN and let that man stay his ass home. If he comes over to start fixing things, he’ll make his way to fixing you! 🙉

Again this is just for laughs. At the end of the day, you are in control of who gets in your bed or whose bed you wake up in. And honestly, all those things above sound appealing, but I am not open to having anyone play with my time and my emotions. I give too much for someone not to give the same back. I recall someone said to me, “It’s always all about YOU.” — I had to really pause on that and try to reflect back on anytime I DIDN’T compromise or make adjustments to make THAT person more comfortable, but yet I guess it wasn’t good enough since they tried to gaslight me like their action were always justified…which they weren’t. That statement really bothered me and hurt my feelings, but it was a while ago and water under the bridge now. That person obviously didn’t pay attention to who I am and most likely didn't value me, but ironically only thought about what they wanted from me.

Moving on. Again, you are in control of who you entertain. There is no perfect person which means there is no perfect relationship or connection. And on a serious note, if you look passed the red flags or lower your standards below your comfort levels for someone, you're really opening yourself to be hurt. Although, pain does teach us valuable lessons. Have fun, but be mindful.

Off Limits

August 9, 2022

(NEW) - Don’t feel like reading? Listen to the audio instead. 🔊

Remember last time I said, “I don’t like a controlling or jealous man, but I love a man who knows he wants me and won't let anyone else the opportunity.” When you're sleeping with someone shouldn't it be common rule that you are off limits to their friends? For instance none of his friends should be trying anything with you or flirting with you in any suggestive manner.

Even if there is a man I used to be involved with, but not anymore, I’m still not allowing any of his good friends have me. — Here is where my limits are…I don’t allow myself to sleep with a man who is 1 or 2 degrees of separation from the guy I used to sleep with. EXAMPLE: His bestfriends, people he knows well, or anyone in his immediate circle are 1st degree separation. If those people have friends who he also knows well enough and hangs out with from time to time, they are 2nd degree. So again 1st and 2nd degrees are 🚫 Off Limits. 3rd degree would be people he knows in passing, but even then it's a toss up.

I feel if his friends are getting too close for comfort there's a few reasons why...

He’s doesn't feel there is anything serious between you two; in which case he is likely telling other women the same thing 😒
He does not have plans to be serious with you, but stringing you along and bending the truth so you can still have sex 😔
He already has something serious with someone else and you are just the “fun time” for the meantime 😧

You should also be off limits to any past women or messy friends who want to put negative thoughts in your head about a man you’re sleeping with.

The main reason I put this on the men is because of my personal belief that men set the tone in a relationship (I know I’ve said this several times before.) You see, when men do not make it clear to their friends about you it’s because they don’t want it to be clear with you or anyone else. Don’t feed into the bs if he says something like, “I don’t want people in my business” — There is a way to let people know what’s going on without letting them know exactly what’s going on. 😕

Relax, it’s just legs with some cellulite and stretch marks, but I still put a censored banner across for those easily offended. 😒

There are some men who will never be clear with you. I know a guy who has a wife/ex-wife who still publicly claims their marriage/family is fully intact although, he claims differently. I don’t know what the truth is, not my situation, not my business, but apparently she believes in something he doesn’t and he believes in something she doesn’t so there will be some type of conflict with any woman that man gets involved with. My ex and I are very clear that we are not together, that is the one thing we strongly agree on so there is no confusion with our status.

At my age, there are an equal amount of people who are married, never married, divorced, and single so there can be a lot of confusion and baggage in my “dating pool”. And with social media and dating apps, there’s no telling who is telling the truth and who is hiding unnecessary secrets. I like a little mystery and I’m very understanding, but I don’t like when people take advantage of that and try to twist their truth to keep me interested. I have a good friend who I know I’ve mentioned a few times, he’s very fun to be around, I’ve known a good amount of years, he’s a safe person to hang out with, and I’ve seen him in his tom foolery elements, but one time I told him I don’t need to know everything about him and that I require a level of mystery between us. He laughed, but he understood exactly what I was saying. — I’m also not and never have slept with him so things that I may want to know about a man I’m intimate with isn’t going to be the same things I want to know about my platonic friends…are you guys following what I’m trying to say? — I don’t need to know everything, but don’t keep everything from me.

Dear Future Beau, put it on cruise control. (P.S. - I tell my friends if they invite me somewhere and I can’t show titties, thighs, or both, then I ain't coming out. 😁)

I’m also at an age where the mind games are ridiculous. It’s really simple, you either like me or you don’t. If you like me, tell me, if I like you the same let’s go from there and communicate further. If you like me, but have someone else who believes she’s with you, then handle that first because I don’t need a woman upset with me because she feels I damaged her relationship. — That nonsense should also be off limits to me and I don’t want any parts of that situation. In the same sense, if I’m the woman you are with then I don’t need any random woman approaching me about what you did when I wasn’t around…handle that too because I should not have to deal with any outside noise inside our relationship. If I ask you about something, that’s letting you know it got to me and you need to tie up those lose ends. -- This is why I’m going to keep myself to myself; men are out here being reckless. Plus, COVID is still alive and well along with Monkey Pox now, I don't want anyone's cooties. 😷 (The last time I ended up in the hospital I…nvm. Just keep any illnesses away from me, please.)

If you don’t know how to manage any type of intimate relationship then you don’t know how to manage your life because people are moving parts of your life that either make it fulfilled or complicated. But you get to chose how complicated you want your life to be. Am I wrong? 🤔

I Wish A Man Would (NSFW)

August 2, 2022

UPDATE: Some of you readers have really been paying attention because a few of you guessed correctly which number was mine. 👀😆 Others were close. I like to have a veil of modesty over me when it comes to these things, but once I've opened up to a man, that's a different story and then I'm more comfortable being forward with him. 😉

Also, a man sent this and wanted me to share: “I got a chick I used to fck with. She stopped fcking with me or whatever but I know she still feeling ya boy. Bet, if she come around with another [dude] I'm gonna take her right in front of him.” —— Ummmmm….Sir. 👀 I’m confused. Is this something you wish the girl would do??? WHAT!!! 😆 I will admit this much and I cannot speak for all women, but a man that pulls me aside or away from another man is kind of a turn on. But wait Fellas, don’t go doing this to every and any woman. You have to at least be sure she still holds a flame for you. 🔥 (Note: I don’t like a controlling or jealous man, but I love a man who knows he wants me and won't let anyone else the opportunity.)

________

Remember in Men Are Demons I mention that anytime a woman has her Chakras aligned, skin glowing, hair healthy, and waist getting smaller men always seem to pop up out of no where with, “Wyd?” — Boy! I'm minding my business, stay away from me! 😄

Although, opposite of that, have you ever been around a man you are attracted to and not sleeping with, but with one right move you would ravage him, but you don't want to say anything because you don’t want to seem forward? Same. 😄😇 Sometimes I wish men could read our minds so we don’t have to seem like “wayward” women…or is that just me? 😆 I'm so stubborn that I’ll keep holding on to my celibacy before I tell a man I want to do anything with him . If a man wants me, he better say something because I surely won’t!!! 😳😬🤐🥴🤣 — I’m very disciplined in different areas of my life and this is one of them; due to this, contrary to how I may dress and how friendly I can be, I still don’t have a history of many partners…Fam, my sh*t is precious, everyone is not deserving of it. 🙃 (Even if I’m joking around and say “I’m going hoe-ing”, I may come back home with a few new numbers in my phone, but NO BODIES! 🚫)

There is a part of me that's very strong willed, but there is another part of me that wants to be or does not mind to be…submissive. And I’m not the only one. Remember a few posts back I mentioned there was a young man who took interest to me, but I decided not to mislead him even though he shown a few highly attractive ALFA characteristics? (Sorry ladies, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I played games with that young man).

Anyway since that time I got some private comments about how some of you would like a man to make the first move. I’m going to keep this content rated “M” for Mature, but the “R” version will be in the Members Only section. I decided to throw in some of my wishes, but I’m not going to identify which one is mine. 🙃

I have this super fine trainer and every time we start our workout he helps me stretch out my body, his hand are on my waist, legs, all of that. I think he's attracted to me too but wants to keep it professional but just once JUST ONCE I want him to pull me into one of the changing rooms and _____ my _____ out. 💪🏽
I don’t know how to say this a man but when we are out in public in front of friends and people we know I want him to show PDA and kind of nasty PDA like walk up to me when I’m in mid conversation with someone grab my neck, whisper something in my ear and walk away. I want that move to let everyone know he doesn’t play about me especially in front of men who want me. 🔐
I want him to record it while he's ____ it from the ____ and then I him to tell me to ____ his ____ until he ____ and record that too. 😳
After an argument I want my man to tell me to shut up and he just does what DMX did to Keisha in Belly. 👀
Sometime I just want the dude I like to show up at my house and when I open my door he doesn’t say a word to but just pushes me against the wall and pulls my leg ____ _____ ____ and starts _____ me through my house. 🏠
During sex I want him to cuss me out and call me _____ and _____. But I’m scared he may judge me for it. 🙊
If I’m wearing a low cut dress at the club I want him to slide his hand in my top and start ______ _______ _______ ______ and kiss me while everyone is looking. 💋
I want this guy to grab me, look me dead in my eyes and tell me what he's about to do to me. And I want him to setup a ______ while he watches and tells the other girl what to do and how to do it. 😼
I have a guy friend that is being too nice to me, but I don’t want him to be nice. I want him to take full advantage of me the next time we go drinking. But I want him to be kind of slick about it and not make it obvious and find a way to get me to his house or him come to mine but I want him to take all control of the situation. 😈
I want him to go all out one weekend and take me to a nice hotel where he pulls all my nastiness out and convinces me to do things I never did before like tell me to ______ and then still treat me like an innocent princess afterwards. 👸
I have a friend who doesn't know I'm crazy about him but I also think I’m not his type because I see the type of girls that be around him and I’m not like any of them. He likes the young party girls who like to twerk and shake ass but I just like to chill. We hang out a few times and we have a good time together but just wish he’d tell me I’m the only one he's worried about and to take home and so I can ____ ____ and ____ his ____ until he ____ ____ ____ ____ and show him what he’s been missing. ❤
I’ve been lusting on a man for about a month. He hasn't made any moves. I’m not ugly so I don’t think he's not attracted to me. I think he knows I want him but he's not doing anything about it. He might have a girl but I don’t want to ask him because I don’t want him thinking I want him if he doesn't already know it. But girl! If he ever calls me and tells me to come over I’m _____ my _____ and i’m going over there and _____ on his _____ until I _____ in his ____ and then I’m going to let him _____ my _____ out from ____ and let him ____ my ____ until it’s sore. 🤐

The Energy You Give

July 26, 2022

The energy you give is just as important as the energy you allow yourself to take in. Energies can easily be changed, shifted, and influenced. You want to be cognizant of the vibe you are exuding. Even if you are being friendly, if your mood is distant or shut off, it will still come through: tone, word usage, and body language can convey your current energy. You have to be carefully with your negative energy because someone else might match it. If your tone is aggressive or dismissive then should you be offended if the person you are talking to meets your tone with the same energy?

When someone is upset, they don’t look outside themselves and see how their behavior is possibly influencing bad reactions from others, that’s why when people are arguing, nothing is being heard, therefore nothing is being solved. Good leaders, whether of a company or a home, have to be careful of the energy they are giving off because it will either encourage positive responses or rebellious ones. This is the main reason why arguing through text is never a good idea.

Example: This wasn’t an argument, but it could have turned into one if I didn’t practice self-awareness. I sent a message to someone late at night with misguided information. I pieced together different parts of conversations with people earlier that evening and the end conclusion that I held on to was completely inaccurate 🤦🏽‍♀️ (!!!) And the response I got the next morning was very justified 🙃😄. But instead of holding my ground and causing friction, I began to accept my misunderstanding and revert back to a happier energy.
*But I’ve noticed sometimes when people know who I am or who I know, they'll say certain things around me to see my reaction or how I respond. 😒

What do you notice when you are genuinely happy or at least happy with the people around you? You are laughing, you are smiling, you are welcoming, and you are emanating good, positive energy which flows onto others and their same energy flows onto you. So it’s a good practice to be around people who are in sound mind, body, and peace. But we are not robots, so we cannot always be cheerful. Although, when we are not in a happy-go-lucky mood some of us shut down and need space from everyone (be mindful that you are not hurting others when you are in this alone or dark space), while others try to find their happiness through others (also not healthy).

When my mood is down, I keep myself away from everyone because I don’t want what’s bothering me to inflict them, but I still have to work on not letting other people get me down. I still have certain triggers that switch my mood from good to horrible very quickly.

*While on vacation, I got some weird tan lines due to my choice of swimwear. 🛳🌞👙

In a physical relationship, pay attention to whom you share your intimate energy with. Intimacy at this level intertwines your aural energy with the aural energy of the other person. These powerful connections, regardless of how insignificant you think they are, leave spiritual debris, particularly within people who do not practice any type of cleansing, physical, emotional or otherwise. The more you interact intimately with someone, the deeper the connection and the more of their aura is intertwined with yours. Imagine someone having a confused aura or negative energy and they are sleeping with multiple people, now their aura is being carried around through these multiple energies and the person is also carrying around the auras of other people. What they may not realize is that others can feel that energy which can repel positive energy and attract more negative energy into your life. — If you believe this, then you should not sleep with anyone who you do not what to be like or not happy to be around because their energy will begin to transfer stress into your life.

If you have sex with positive, loving, uplifting people their energy is absorbed and uplifts you. If you have sex with negative, pessimistic, unstable, depressive people then that energy will have you confused, frustrated and moody.

This entire theory is the idea that environmental energy and physical energy manifests itself to mental energy. Anyone in agreement any with this?

Building Barriers

July 19, 2022

It is said that you carry pain from previous relationships and that your ex-partners encouraged the walls you now have up. I find this to be very true with every man I have been involved with. I loved them all differently. I willingly loved them and wanted to keep loving them, but they ended up draining me and I couldn’t give in anymore.

When you love someone or deeply like someone, you’re decisions can become compromised and complicated. You are not wrong for wanting to show that you love someone, you just have to be careful with how much you are giving vs. what you are receiving back. My default is that I am naturally a giver. I’m loving, I’m supportive, I’m there for you; I tend to care too much which leads to my flaw…I extend myself too much until I’m overreaching my limit. Then I’m upset, disappointed, and heartbroken. In time I’m back to finding myself opening up to take the risk again. — Everything is a risk especially when it involves the heart. Sometimes things need to be broken to know what barriers you still need to put up, keep up, or take down.

Each time I let down some walls, I was taught a lesson and yes, sometimes the lessons made me build more barriers and raise my standards. — That’s just part of protecting yourself and giving yourself time to heal and reflect…if we do not give ourselves this needed time, we can develop damaging behaviors that affect anyone we get involved with too soon. It is not unusual to go through this cycle many times in our lives depending on how proactive we are with relationships. There are people who are serial daters, constantly with a partner; then there are those like me who rarely get involved with anyone. Everyone was their own pace and reasons for companionship, I just advise everyone to be sure you are ready and willing to make adjustments and compromises to your comfort zones, including your barriers or walls.

With one of my biggest lessons, I cannot see myself getting too close to a man who shows himself to be fickle with me. — One moment very interested, the next moment acts like I’m an afterthought and has other woman all over him right in front of me. I have written about this a few years ago…A MAN SETS THE TONE with how a relationship proceeds or derails. I’m not suck in the old world, but a man is to be the leader, leading his home, his family, and his partner. Yet, not all leaders are great leaders. Bad leaders are dictators and do not take into account anyone else’s input. In today’s atmosphere it is highly regarded for a man to have a bevy of women around him. Although, that let’s me know he probably doesn’t value intimacy or at least in the same sense that I do (I wrote about this previously too). — OR that his mind is so sparsely divided that he cannot focus on giving one woman attention. I’m not a child; I have kids, responsibilities, and my own daily agenda, so I don’t need all of your attention or even a lot of attention, but I do appreciate it when a man is making time for me and thinks of me often.

I’m not naïve, men have their fun how they have their fun when they go out, but if your special lady is out with you too there is a protocol of how NOT to act with other women. The woman you should be walking to her car, driving her home, or checking on periodically is the woman you are sleeping with. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Men have to restrict their chivalry and friendliness towards other women when they are involved. It also let’s the other women know their limitations with him. I only say this because I restrict how I am with other men when I am sleeping with someone. But if you or the person don’t care about conserving each other’s thoughts or feeling then I guess Let your hoe flag fly. (Even the married men I know are firm on their restrictions with what they allow themselves to do and what they allow the other women to do. — I don’t condone it, but I respect it.)

Again, I am not naïve, but I’m always paying attention. If I keep noticing a man doing certain things in front of me, I’m not unjustified to asking questions, “Why is she holding on to you like that?”, “Why do you keep wanting to drive her home?”, “Why do you keep finding a way to be next to her or alone with her?”, — it’s one thing if the woman is an equally mutual friend and I am with you as you are making these gestures and you are not blocking me out, but it’s another thing if the answers I’m getting are brushing me off or gaslighting me. That’s not going to ease my mind about the subject and my attitude towards you can become worse. On top of that, if I hear about you telling people that’s there is nothing between us or saying you aren’t interested in me at all, it will just trigger the, “Go on and do what you want” response from me and put me on alert with anything you say and do moving forward and eventually I’ll detach if I keep feeling slighted and I won’t be asking anymore questions from here on out. — My feelings are involved too, not just yours. The moment you start revealing a part of yourself that is not cohesive with what you say to me then in that same moment you begin to lose me. It may take me a while to walk away, but once I do I’m just going to keep getting better because someone not treating me right is a character flaw of theirs, not mine and the award they receive is that they’ll never be able to get me like they used to. I’m not one of those women who needs closure…it is what it is.

On a last note: I love it when people pay attention to who I am…

Person 1: I think Raya is fooling with someone.

Person 2: Nah, I know how she is and she’s not. (This right here is my Person 🙂)

Hard Truths

July 6, 2022

Everyone wants the truth, but can you handle it? (Remember that movie? 😏) Sometimes the truth hurts. Are we justified to being sensitive over it? Here are a list of things to think about and how to not allow them to diminish your confidence or well being.

Ladies, I’m going to start with this one first….

He’s Not That Into You.

I forgot how long my hair used to be. May be time to let it grow again.

You may be gorgeous, independent, and have a lot going for you, but if you only hear from him or see him when you reach out to him, then it is possible you are not in the forefront of his thoughts. Yeah he could be busy and attending to other parts of his life, but if he likes you, he’ll make a way to spend time with you and not just after hours or only indoors where it’s just the two of you, nothing wrong with that, but if those are the only times he is willing to see you then…..ya might want to cut your losses.

Men are simple creatures, but they have their complex moments. Yeah, it can be frustrating if you really like a guy and he doesn’t seem to like you back the same way. Yet, you have to ask yourself why are you so intrigued by him? Why do you want to be so invested?
If he’s not randomly calling/texting you and asking about your day or seeing when the next time you are available, which are basic communication principals, then sweetheart…move on. Also, not to be more cynical, but if he's acting questionable, he may have a girlfriend or wife you don’t know about. — Trust me, I’ve seen this with enough men…some of them are my friends 😒. (I’m sorry ladies, they’re out of control, but they are still good people. And Fellas, if you're here too, I keep telling you guys: Tell the woman the truth and let her decide what to do with it.)
SIDE STORY: Musical Artist, Jeezy, married talk show host Jeanie Mai, recently and while they were dating, my sister mention how good he is to her. How sweet and caring he is to her. The way he looks at her, the way he treats her, etc. My response to my sister was: THAT’S HOW A MAN IS SUPPOSED TO BE TOWARDS A WOMAN HE IS DATING OR LIKES. 🤦🏽‍♀️

*Although, you can take the above information with a grain of salt considering I curved about 7 men since the beginning of this year. And towards the end of last year I was closed off to everyone and everything, so I am not the best source for dating answers. There was nothing wrong with the men, all of them were sweet, wanted to take me out, complimented me, asked to know more about me….I just wasn’t interest. Also, I’m about to embark of something that is going to take up much of my extra time and energy; I'm not confident a man will accept not being a priority.

Your Relationship Failed.

I love seeing a Husband and Wife team; they both equally support each other, protect each other, and speak highly of each other. Humans are not engineered to be alone, that is why there is this underlying instinct for wanting good friends and keeping connected with family. Although, one thing we should open our minds to is that humans are evolvers which also means we tend to change over time including our feelings.

The 20+ years of marriage or even 10 years are not as easy to come by these days. Why? Aside from opportunities of indiscretion, in my opinion, we have become so engulfed with achieving so many things that we lose sight or interests on what may be good for our hearts. Sometimes we are so far gone that keeping a relationship is just not worth the hassle. Other times, our growth made us become different people and now our goals are no longer the same.
You can keep doing the roundabout and keep telling each other, “This time we’ll do better.” and sometimes it works, but I am a firm believer that deep down you know what you are willing to do vs. what you are capable of doing and if those two notions are not cohesive, then…Sweetheart, you need to first be honest with yourself and then your partner. And one day, you may meet your true match. (If I get married again, we’re eloping. 🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽 Dear Possibly Future Husband, save the money, let's just buy a duplex and put it on Air BnB.)

People Don’t Always Care When You Are Suffering.

This one may be a tricky gamble, but I'm still going to roll the dice.... I once read something that said, “People don’t reach out to you when you feel alone, they reach out when they feel alone.” — Wow, that hurt, but before your start to development resentment towards people, remember, we all still have to manage our own lives and some of us are fighting through our own demons and we prefer to battle in silence, so we don’t have the mental capacity to hear about someone else’s trauma. Many times when people ask me how I am doing, I give the standard response, “Everything is good.” even though I may be facing a few challenges at the moment. It is not because I do not want to share my life, it is more due to the fact that I do not want others to be concerned or consumed with what I may have going on. Also, I don’t need everyone to deposit their two cents into my life bank.

When some people are going through troubled times, they seek comfort, someone to listen and give them positive affirmations. If you are at a good place in your life, you do not automatically think to call someone who may not be in that same space because: 1. You may not want the person to feel worse because you are doing so well and 2. Listening to other people’s woes can sometimes take away from your positive elements.
If you are in a rut, first analyze how you got there, most times it is due to what I call, “self infliction” meaning the decisions you made landed yourself here. So if you made some poor choices, here is the result. Looking for confirmation that better things will come may make you feel better, but if you don’t make personal changes, you will end up at that same crossroads.

Pain Will Teach You, Pride Won’t Let You Learn

*Ladies, I deep condition my hair once a week: A hair mask for 1 hour at the least, sometimes overnight, then wash and dry. Many oil base ingredients are great for your hair: almond oil, olive oil, grapeseed oil, etc.

This one is for ALL of us because at one point or another, we house too much pride. We don’t want to be embarrassed or feel ashamed. We want to be right, we want to be justified, we want to win. AND WE CAN HAVE IT ALL if we allow ourselves to learn from our setbacks.

Don’t hold on to a mistake just because it took you a long time making it. That is your pride holding on because you don’t want to accept the failure. It is OKAY to fail, it is OKAY to fall. Learn from what went wrong.
If we knew it all, there would be no growth, no evolution. We would be a mundane society. There would be no challenges, no conversations of something bigger.

You Cannot Force Someone To See That You Are A Blessing

This connects to the first one: You are not made for everything and everyone. Again, YOU ARE NOT MADE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. Sometimes what you want is not for you, but you are still a blessing, let those unbeknownst miss out. Pride plays into this also, you may want what you want, but sometimes you can’t always get what you want. Wait for something better.

If you are doing right by yourself, by your family or those you care about, don’t worry about that someone may not see in you.
Even if you know you can elevate a business, a group, a relationship, and you are fully confident about what you are capable of, give yourself to those who will value it.

Misleading

June 23, 2022

When you know someone is intrigued by you but, you are not as intrigued with them or not in a space where you can give them the better of you, it’d be in your best interest not to mislead them…like sending them suggestive messages, using terms of endearment, or even being affectionate can encourage people to develop a false sense of certainty. Emotions are unpredictable and can cause people to do things they normally wouldn't do. You can’t control what others think or feel, but you can control what you do and say with other people.

Let me give you a scenario (real life): There is a young man I met recently and when I say “young man” I really mean, young man….like I'm at least 10 years older than him. How we met, I was out by myself, per usual, and he sat next to me and began a conversation. I gave him my number just as a friendly gesture and didn't think anything more of it. The next day he sent me a text, very casual: “Hey love, how are you today?” I responded in similar tone. Through a few conversations, I got to learn a bit about him. He is very career oriented, in fact he does very well and is much further in life mentally and financially than many others his age. He’s not into the partying life or even going out frequently (I do admire that). He doesn't have any children and never been married. He’s also very close to his family (I love that too). I’m really impressed with all this considering his age and his looks. — Yes ladies, he's a very handsome young man, nice smile, good teeth, healthy skin, tattooed, well groomed, and he routinely goes to the gym, so yeah, I’d say he's a great catch for any women…correction, any focused woman between the ages of 23 to maybe 27. But for whatever reason, he's trying to play ball on my court. Hopefully, he’ll grow weary of me soon and set his sights on another woman. The one big difference I notice with the younger men is that THEY ARE NOT AFRAID TO TELL YOU THEY WANT YOU. I guess the misplaced “man-pride” that comes with age hasn’t grown on them yet.

I won’t lie, it’s very flattering getting this attention especially since no man in my preferred age group is asking me how my day is 😒 (they all must have gotten themselves in serious relationships now), but here's why I won’t take it too far with this young man:

Even though he is determined and puts forth effort to accomplish his goals, he is still at a different place in life than me (realistically, you can be at different places in life with someone your own age too) and in some of our conversations it’s very apparent that we are from different generations, the terms he uses (he once texted “ofc” — Fam, tell me why I had to Google it to find out it is a shorted way to say “of course”, WTF?!) , the things he talks about, stuff that he's interested in (his ears don’t have a broad range for music), etc. There was something that irritated me a little about him; he kept saying I was high maintenance because I mentioned my preferences with certain things. — I am maintaining myself and what I like is what I like. There is nothing wrong with catering your life to your preference. I think he is mis-defining high maintenance with what others his age are considering overzealous or too much.

I’m not one of those people whose in denial of how old I am or trying to keep up with the younger lifestyles and I’m not trying to impress them. And this may not make sense to a lot of people, but I lived a lot very early in life. Now, I have a lot of things keeping me busy and I’m constantly on the go; I don’t have much time to offer and the time I do have I want to do what I like. This young man also wants children and if any of you have been longtime readers then you know that more kids is a No for me. I really do love the considerate messages and compliments he continues to give me, but I cannot do or say anything that may be misinterpreted into letting him think there could be something serious, I won’t even tease him with anything casual either. With all this in mind, I don’t want to block any of his blessings and take up his valuable time when he could be spending it with someone who is willing to give him what he wants. So I’ve kept all our communication very simple and friendly.

*I almost caved one evening when I met him for drinks. He was sitting very close to me, we were have a great time and I was laughing about something he said and in that same moment he grasps my neck, pulls me closer, and gently kisses right below my jawline 😳. It was that subtle dominance that I like, but I pulled away and stayed coy. He didn't try anything more after that and we continued to have good conversations the rest of the evening. I knew even more then that I had to be very careful with him. But since he is becoming my friend and I’m learning more about him, I find myself starting to be protective of him — he is a good man and very much deserving of a woman who won’t play games with him — including me. Ladies, with these young men, we can’t let the GOOD ones get broken. — Like some of the men my age and older 😒.

We have to be aware of what we are doing to people even if we “think” it’s innocent, they may not see it the same way, but it's hard if you are naturally personable, charismatic and welcoming to people. Sometimes we have to stop and see ourselves from the outside because unbeknownst to us, we can mislead people without realizing it.

And a personal note: If I am in a casual relationship with someone or sleeping with someone, no matter how our situation is defined… don’t give another woman extra attention in front of me, don’t allow her to hang on to you, don’t hang on to her, don’t make it look like you're involved with her and treat me like an afterthought because at that point I’m going to wonder which one of us you’re misleading. Do your nonsense on your own time and space; respect my presence when we’re in the same environment. Or…if we are not involved in any intimate way and you are interested in me, but you're showing another woman more attention because you don’t want to seem too interested in me then….Go do what you want Fam. I’m good.

One night stand

May 15, 2022

Reader Question: “Raya, what do you think about one night stands? Have you ever had one?”

I chuckle as I’m trying to think of how to say this…

The last one night stand I had ended up being a 5-6 year thing. 😅 I really did not think I would ever see that man again, he was only in town for one more night when I met him and I went against all my “safe” decisions that whole evening….so yeah, I’m not the best person to speak on this topic.

For me, the one night stand thrill isn't my thing. Never was. But again, that one night I did everything out of the norm and ended making a long term acquaintance. — Won’t be doing that again.

Here's some stories from you about your one Night encounters….

The one story I cannot get over is the woman who said she ran into her one night stand the next day when he came to her place of business with his WIFE AND KIDS! 😲 — See, this is why I can't do things like that, a little mystery is good, but if you're the type of man to do things like that, just let the woman know so she can make her own decision. We're all grown, what's the worst that could happen if you tell the truth??? That she says no? 😒 I know for a fact there's plenty women who will still say yes, no matter what situation you're in. I'm not one of those women though, be safe out there kids. I may not want to be anyone’s wife right now and I may joke about indecent things or give grace towards my friends who do indecent things, but I am still of wife-caliber. Get it?

Hey Raya

April 22, 2022

In the early years of this site, people would ask me questions and I’d give my input. A few of you have done this recently and I don’t want to fall back into those types of publications again, but I will share some from time to time. Here is one from a long time reader.

Hey Raya,

I'm in a little dilemma. A few posts ago you talked about giving people chances. I was messing with someone last year and I'm not sure how or why we stopped. I always felt confused with him. Some days it seemed like he was in love with me and other days he made me feel like I didn't matter to him, so we just stopped talking all together. I was hurt. I thought things would be great with us but I could never figure out what he wanted and there were always other girls around him. You talk about a woman should know her value but it made me feel like he wanted to talk to them more than me. He recently hit me up last week. We started texting back and forth. I miss him but I don't like how he left things with me. People can change right? It's been a year but I don't want to go through the same thing. Any suggestions?

Dear Reader,

I have a similar experience. I knew a man for several years, for the most part we enjoyed our time together, but we also didn't see each other a lot during the beginning of our friendship so we made the most of it when we were in each other's company. Although, even during that time there were periods I felt like he didn't want to be bothered with me at all. We had a few blips, but we managed through it. Some time later, our dynamic changed and we had more opportunity to see each other often. The first few months were great, but then it seemed like he was back peddling his feelings and contradicting his words. It didn't make me feel great and I began to noticed things that made me question who he really is, but I remained loyal to him, it's one of the hallmarks of my personality -- staying good to people even with uncertainty. Then there was something major that happened to me and I didn't hear from him. I got through my hurdle and I got over the hurt from his absence and decided not to hold it against him. When your heart gets stitches and scars, you determine how it affects you and others. I still reach out to him every so often, there's been blips with that too, but like you, I don't want to go through the same confusion so at best I keep it simple. A mutual acquaintance of ours said to me that I’m not that guy’s type and when I was given some examples, I started to really think about it and realized that person seemed to be right.

I say if you are going to meet your guy, have caution. Ask him the hard questions about what happened between you two last time. Sometimes the hardest conversations are the one we need to have with people. Be honest with how you felt then and how you feel now. Also, really identify what exactly you miss about him and don't romanticize the good parts so much that it overshadows the bad parts. The bad parts are important too. Acknowledge any faults you had because you can't point fingers without some pointing back at you too. Yes, people do change with time. And remember, a relationship doesn’t define you, at the very least it is supposed to be a benefit to your life and make you feel hopeful, encouraged, supported, and appreciated.

In all actually, you really can do whatever you want with the man, it's not anyone else's choice to make. It's up to the two of you. If you both want to start something again, great, but make all your intentions clear so neither of you are blindsided and have routine conversations about it especially if anything changes.

Mr. Perfect

April 18, 2022

There is no such thing as Perfect, there are such things as being different and impressive. So what makes a man Perfect?

I guess that all depends on how he makes you feel.

My one friend, every time I see him as he wraps his arms around me to hug me he kisses my forehead. I don't know what it is but I think that simple gesture is the sweetest thing a man can do. And no matter what is on my mind, anytime that happens my thoughts pause and I feel a moment of serenity and safety.

Another thing I like about this same friend is that he doesn't make me feel wrong for having other male friends, platonic friends. For instance, he doesn't make snide comments about promiscuity or make assumptions, he just knows how supportive and caring I am to people. And whatever I'm going through, even when I don't want to be bothered, he still routinely checks on me. He just has this level of confidence and assurance that I greatly admire which encourages me to tell him anything and to answer any questions he asks me, which isn't like me at all. He's so calm, yet caring and catering.

If you do not know what is going on in this clip, you are either 2 things or both: 1. You are around the wrong type of man. 2. You are the wrong type of man.

And not only is he a good listener, but he engages with what I'm saying and gives me constructive feedback without making me feel silly. And as many times as I have canceled plans with him, he doesn't get discouraged, instead he’s patient and understanding.— Like he’s not scared of me. How amazing is that? I’ve not met any other man like him.

But what about everything else about a man? Here are the things I consider when wondering if he is...Perfect.

1. Work ethic. Does he not only have ambitious goals but is he achieving those goals. A busy man is a focused man. Although, does he make time for you?

2. Family. Does he have children and is he actively involved in their growth? What about siblings and parents, is the relationship close and if not, do you empathize with the reasons?

3. Cleanliness. How does he keep his personal spaces? Are there things everywhere or does everything have it's place and how important is that to you?

4. Values. Does he believe in loyalty goes both ways and does he show you how he thinks of you? Does he give other women the same treatment? Or make you feel like you have to compete for his attention?

5. Communication. Does he share personal information with you? Does he talk about his life plans and does he listen to yours? Is he supportive? Does he give you encouragement? Can you call him when you're down? Does he comfort you?

Appearing Acts

April 8, 2022

Ever have someone just pop up in your life unexpectedly. Someone new or maybe someone you've already met before who you haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time? But either way, they just appear and make you rethink so many things. - Things you never considered before, things you've avoided, or things that no one else has made you think about. Who was it, where is this person now, and what's his name? 😆🤣

I'm referring to the person as a man because it's usually someone of the male persona that gets us women outside of ourselves. Sometimes for good change and sometimes…well, just for change. Get it?

If you recall a recent post ‘Men Are Demons’ then you were introduced to my distain of when men just pop up and halt your whole world and then when you make adjustments for them, they turn around and act like they never asked you to do any of it. — No Sir, you did not ask me, but as a person who wanted to make you feel comfortable in my life and around me, I made changes to accommodate you. Here’s the thing, anytime there is someone in your life who you spend any time with, you are actively making changes because you are making space for them in your life, whether it is a temporary space or long term space, there are still actions you take to welcome them. And they should be doing the same for you especially if you both want to continue to be significant in each other’s lives. *There are people who need many special names in their phone; I only need 1 that keeps me company from time to time. For instance a man inviting a different woman out rather than inviting the same woman. What would be more foolish of the man is when the women know each other. At that point you’re dealing with someone that doesn’t have direction or still wants to live in his youth and hides behind the thought of “just being nice”.

Men Are Stupid

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Men Are Stupid -

Women don’t have a problem submitting. You’re just not the one she wants to submit to.

I don’t always like surprises, but I like to be surprised, does that make sense? For instance when someone exceeds my expectations or does something I did not think that were capable of doing, or goes against what he would normally do just to see me smile. Like when I am having a bad day and there’s flowers at my door when I get home with a sweet note, or better yet, he’s shows up with dinner in hand. Or if I am out at happy hour and I feel a random hug embrace me or when he reaches out for my hand to help me out of a car, in a car, out of a chair, walking into a room…whatever. To be honest, lately my expectations for men are very low. I’ve seen so many versions of them that it’s hard to believe who they really are. They may behave one way with you, but then you see them shift with other people. And when you ask about it, they feel you are being invasive. — I’ve been told that when a man is fully for you, he won’t have you questioning your place in his mind or heart.

I think in all my years of witnessing men in different scenarios, there is no making sense in what they do or say, they just…exist. And sometimes they think they are doing something admirable, but in reality, it’s inconsiderate. You just have to figure out how their existence benefits your life when they casually stroll in to it. A man is an option, not a definition for a woman and once you realize that, you also realize your worth. There is always a lesson in everything, people can change you, You decide how that change develops.

Be Good

March 20, 2022

A friend shared this on her LinkedIn feed. — Read it, digest it, and think for a moment.

The man, Adam Grant, who shared it on his own feed received a lot of mixed feedback. Comments advocating that sometimes people have good reason for not being kind to certain people in order to protect themselves, while others argue that no matter how/who the person is, you should still remain a good for your own inner peace…I am one of those people. (Below is my input with another friend’s response to me.)

Screenshot_20220320-122541_LinkedIn (1).jpg

There is a saying that goes, “Hurt people hurt people.” — There is a lot of truth in that saying. Ever notice when someone is mad, they say things out of anger and sometimes it’s not the nicest things? Or when you are still affected by what someone did to you there is still a sense discouragement towards them. There is a point where you just have to let that go. When you have bad feelings, it constrains you and turns you into someone you don’t favor. It may not seem like it, but there is a element of sadness in your thoughts, your words, and your actions when your are not kind to someone.

The same friend also shared another thought and I feel like the sentiments are related…

Here is her caption:

“This is true for both women and men. If you don't think what you say and do affects people, you are wrong. How you treat someone has an impact on them.

With relationships this is very accurate. You and your partner share a personal mental space and within that mental space is where your words and actions can make your partner feel great, loved, and appreciated or avoided, neglected and alone.”

Going back to the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” Let’s think about this, a hurt person will either lash out or go silent and in return it hurts the other person involved. — A vicious cycle of unspoken emotions and truths. And sometimes you have to decide that if someone keeps acting like they want to lose you or that your presence is not important to them, then maybe they just need to lose you.

The Men We Choose

February 23, 2022

Friendly reminder that this site is for entertainment purposes only. It’s to invoke intrinsic thought and hopefully encourage people to look at different perspectives.

This post has been in my draft folder since last year (I have a few I still have yet to go through), I cannot remember why I started writing it or what I was going through at the time, but the topic has become relevant again….

Set from JLuxLabel (P.S.. - This is what I mean when I say I’m about to make everyone uncomfortable...him, her, every body.)

Okay ladies, let’s lay it all out. Some of our men problems are because of the types of men we choose or are attracted to. A man is going to act and behave in a way that benefits him, even if it hurts or affects other people. Any of you remember the Donnell Jones song, Where I Want To Be? It’s about a man exploring other potential before deciding/realizing the woman for him was the woman who has always been there from him even when he wasn’t available. Love is a battle field to say the least. There were definitely casualties of war while I was with my children’s father and when I was with the athlete…it was ugly. But looking back, I wanted them for different reasons, silly reasons, superficial reasons, unrealistic reasons. I guess at some point we have to be cognizant of how we are choosing our partners. Yes, the men chase us, but we chose if it is them or not and sometimes it’s…not.

No one is perfect and we make mistakes. Mistakes are the stepping stones in life; What? You think you walk on water and have never done anything wrong to anyone? I have no problem defending someone’s mistakes if I feel they genuinely want to be a better person. Hell, I defended my ex’s mistakes for years until I finally woke up and realized he wasn’t changing…sometimes being the ride or die type of woman will damage you mentally before it effects you physically. There is nothing wrong with standing by a man, just make sure he’s standing by you too.

I guess I believe in more than just second chances. My problem may be that I am too flexible with men. I’m not sure why. — Maybe it is because I was raised by my father (only) and witnessed how much pressure men take on. Internally, men are not any stronger than us, but they are expected to be…maybe that’s why I give them a little more time and grace. So is it that we choose the wrong men or is it that we are more agreeable and understanding than they are? Or are there such things as “the wrong man”?

I guess if we take away the romantic aspect, we are left with who the man is entirely. Just like if a man were to not look at us with any sexual interest, who are we as a woman? In our raw core, are we good people? Are we good to people OR are we good to those who are only good to us? Are we quid pro quo or are we only like that to those we sleep or slept with? So maybe the topic should be not just the men we choose, but also the women that men choose. Why do men choose us? We are emotional, jealous, irrational, overbearing, talk too much, overthink nonstop and…..yeah, I’ll say it…crazy. — Hey fellas, WE can call each other crazy, but you can’t call us crazy, got it🤨? Which leads me to decide that I don’t honestly feel I can ask a man to agree to a special arrangement (see last post for reference: Self-Care, Peace and The V Care). I’m sorry, I cannot bring myself to do it. It’s like being a place card for each other but neither of us are each other’s plus-ones. I may just need to think more on it.

My friend told me if I blink the wrong way this top will show *everything*. Lol. This is one of those outfits you wear for girls’ night or for someone special.

If I am going to hang out with a guy friend, that’s it, we’ll just be hanging out. I can’t be casual with my intimacy, — I’m either all about you (us) or I’m only about me. If I’m the one making more compromises, that’s not right, don’t have me folding when you don’t even have a good hand (poker reference). I’m a catering person, I like making sure the people around me are taken care of, so if I am sleeping with someone, I not only want to cater to him but I also want assurance that the sentiments are mutual…I don’t want to see you hugging on someone if I was just wrapped around you the other night, because then how am I to know if you’re getting involved with someone else if your eating up the attention right in front of me? — I don’t entertain involved men. There are still such things as STDs😒.

Nah, I’m not choosing any man right now. If he’s confident and strong enough, he’ll need to chose me and present me with something I’m willing to accept, otherwise I can only offer funny conversations and very…. 👀 intriguing outfits😁. I dare a man to approach me with a special arrangement and don’t come with me with any bs. I guess it may have something to do with my inner need for someone to lead and take control. I make so many decisions throughout the day that it would be great for a man to lay out what we are going to do and not make me feel like I’m requiring too much or make me feel insignificant to his life. And with all my current guy friends, I don’t want to change anything with them, they are great the way things are. So I’m not choosing any damn man, he’s going to have to chose me and we are going to go through ALL of each other’s growing pains together. 🥴