February Summary

February 27, 2023

“I love it when a man breathes me in when he hugs me.”

Did you all survive February? 🫠 I am finally feeling better. If you remember a few weeks ago I caught some kind of stomach bug and it had me down and out. Now I’ve got to catch up with myself, get a mani/pedi, freshen my hair, and put on some decent clothes and step out for a little. I know some of you noticed the pending topics that’s been sitting for a while, I promise I’ll get through them soon. When I start a new topic, sometimes I don’t have enough content for it so I'll leave it in draft mode and come back to it later to add more info. Bare with me a little longer.

The Effort Series

I’m going to get back to this…eventually.

And I see some of you are still asking about the two men I mentioned recently. As I said in my response in the previous post, I am keeping everything as is. With the younger man, he is on the track to do great things and I don’t want to derail him. I will continue to be his friend and encourage and support him as much as I can. He has so much he wants to accomplish and I want to see him reach all his goals. And to be very honest, if I were to rank him against other men I know (older men) he’s probably up there with most of them if not above some of them and that’s to take away from the guys in my life. It’s mainly because of his behavior, his self awareness, and what he talks about. He doesn’t talk about superficial things like going out, or hanging out, or buying sections or luxury things, he more talks about investments, residual income, equity and things like that. His mindset is that same as where I was when I was his age, but with me, my progress took a little longer due to having children. He doesn’t have kids, which I why I last said he stands to make more money than me in the next few years if he keeps on this focus. He’s a really good guy and he’s very conscious of himself which explains how he treats people with generosity and respect, but he’s not soft, don’t get it confused, he’s very masculine and firm, he’s just very aware of himself. Listen, we may not always make the right moves, we’ll slip every now and then, but I think highly of people who acknowledge their pitfalls and make strides to be better.

Now with the other man I mentioned, he is older and he has already accomplished some big goals in his life and ever since I met him, I have been very supportive of his endeavors. I do think sometimes he gets in a crossroads with himself as far as his choices and wanting to be who he believes himself to be or how others believe him to be. Hey, he’s a grown man, and it’s not my place to identify other people’s demons, with what I’ve been through and where I am in life, I wish everyone serenity with their decisions.

Anyways, other things we covered this month are zodiac sign compatibilities, you guys giving me pointers on my own love life, keeping our relationships private vs. keeping them secret, and making sure we are choosing the right partners for the right reasons and if we’re just having fun, then make it clear, otherwise emotions can get too far involved and then you’ll have to deal with something you didn’t intend to. Aye, all is far in Love & War, but damn, let’s try to limit how much we are battling.

Love Me When You're Ready, Not When You're Vulnerable

February 21, 2023

06/10/2023: You readers are really trying to piece together “who is who” in my life 😅. And some of you are connecting the nicknames I gave the men I mention more recently to some of the previous topics, like this one. I wrote this back in February, so not too long ago. And some of you readers really make me blush with your messages 😳! A good number of you are really invested with me connecting with one of these men. Most of my thoughts from this topic are still the same, not thing has changed too much. There is more and less progression, but nonetheless everything is still as it has been with my love life. And if you guys are paying close attention then you know what my current love status is. 😏

“People like us never go hungry because there will always be someone who wants to feed us, but the problem is we can’t eat everybody’s food.”

A few of you keep inquiring about 2 things: The last man I was involved with and the young man I won’t get involved with. Now, I told you, I’ll share some of my experiences, but there is a limit to how much I’ll say. So let’s do this…

The man I was last involved with: It dissipated around May 2021, it started around August 2020 right around the time Covid restrictions were getting lifted. I mentioned we had already know each other for several years and we fooled around on and off, but didn’t really get serious. (*This time around had the potential to be more substantial than the other times) So again, this lasted until May, a month later I had a car accident and a few months after that I had to deal with something serious that changed my whole outlook on life. We lost touch during that time, I’m not really sure why, those months are still a blur to me. I think overall, some of our issues were that my schedule had me spread out which made my availability limited, which at times made me seem distant. And I don’t think he had the patience for my sporadic time and I wasn’t always at ease with his impatience. But the funny thing is, how we are towards each other now is good and I think it’s because there’s no pressure to be or do anything more than just friends who catch up and laugh…well, lately he’s acting a little out of character, but I think there’s something he has to come to terms with or deal with on his own.
The young man I won’t get involved with: I told both of my best friends about this guy and these heffers are telling me to do the whole “Stella got her groove back” type thing and we all know how that movie ended…yeah, I’m not doing that. Let’s stick to reality here folks. This 20-something years old is gorgeous, I give him that. But his attractiveness does not overshadow the fact he cannot empathize where I am in life right now. And again he is great, he’s career focus, manages his money well, he’s very chivalrous, he’s close to his family, and he constantly compliments me (which I love), but I just can’t do it. I cannot play with him, I don’t want to hurt him. I know people and have seen people get caught up like this and get themselves into a mess that they have to clean up afterwards, I am not going to be like that. I will continue to be friends with this young man, but that’s it. I cannot be vulnerable with him.

Speaking of vulnerability, let’s go on to the topic…

The Effort Series

I used to be good at doing a sultry gaze...don’t know if I still got it though.

Sometimes we fall victim to getting ourselves into situations because we’re lonely, vulnerable, or just not thinking clearly. Nobody wants to be just a time-filler in someone else's life. When you're dating because you're vulnerable, you're more likely to make decisions that do not have the best outcome and then you may become dismissive towards the person or relationship altogether. It's human to be flawed, but you need to be accountable for the ways you treat people you are in an intimate relationships with. If you're hesitant with the next steps of your relationship, take a step back and figure out why that is. Is it you? Is it them? Or did you just get caught up in something you didn't intent to?

Vulnerability can convince us to thinking we’re doing something right and disguise it with fun times, but really our judgments are clouded because we think all types of happiness is healthy. It’s not. — READ THAT AGAIN. It can be hard to distinguish if our decisions are truly good for us or if those decisions will become lessons. All of my relationships have been lessons in one way or another, but the most interesting thing is that each relationship was different, how I approach it, how I viewed it, and how I handled each man was different from the last. Some situations were just having fun, some were significant, and some were "Oh sh*t, what did we get into?". But I can honestly say each man I’ve gotten close to either shown me something about myself or brought something out of me I didn't know I had. Although, I'm not saying it was all good things 😆.

I still want to learn from my relationships, but not learning things that separate us, rather leanings things that keep us close and growing together. I guess a little part of you has to be vulnerable to be open to someone. It’s just finding that healthy balance and making sure we're not completely going down the wrong path and opening ourselves up to the wrong types of relationships. We get involved with people for many reasons and sometimes it leads to something unexpected or it leads to exactly what we intended, but who can predict what happens? I think the reality is we have to know what we want and not mislead what others may want from us.

Choosing With Your Head First, Then Your Heart

February 16, 2023

Sometimes we make mistakes with deciding on people, but when you keep making the same mistakes, it’s you, not them.

Ok, I am officially getting sick. I don’t know why I keep playing with my health like my immune system isn’t compromised. I know my guardian angels are about sick of me! Anyway, even though I’m feeling weak, I received a call from a good friend last night and we talked for a good while. I haven’t socially seen him since his birthday party back in July and I saw him briefly when there was an unfortunate incident that occurred with his family. Speaking with him made me feel so great, we discussed a few different things that I’ll probably incorporate them into a few topics here and there. I love my friend, he’s so great and it’s him and a few other’s like him whom I feel so comfortable and safe around. They are very honest and transparent with me and genuinely care about me and I am so blessed to have people like that in my life.

Ladies, don’t think I have any secrets about how to find good men. I don’t. Yes, I always speak highly of my guys friends, they are great men, but keep in mind that I am not in a romantic relationship with any of them. So, my point of view about them will be different from a woman who is sleeping with them. So don’t be over there believing I’m keep all the good men to myself. Come get these men! I love them, but the work all of my nerves. Like my one friend got himself this girl and nothing is wrong with her, but they are not on the same level in life and it’s only a matter of time before she filters out after he starts to notice things everyone else is noticing. But hey, we got to let our people do what they do.

Although, ladies, we have to do better too. We can’t just linger on every word a man tells us. What is he actually doing and what are the two of you doing? If your mind is going one direction, is his mind going the same direction? Are you trying to move the relationship forward and he seems to be hesitating or taking his time? Baby, that is a sign. He has his reasons for not moving at the same pace as you just like you have your reasons for not staying at his pace. Yes, people may take longer to be ready, but it’s up to you if you want to wait or not.

It is good to follow your heart, but don’t leave your head behind because when that heart of yours breaks, guess who has to pull double duty to get yourself back together? Yup, that good ol’ noggin. It can be hard to see what other people are seeing and to be practical about things when we are feeling and being loved, but when we stop thinking about other things that impact our lives, we open ourselves up to making decisions that don’t have the greatest outcome. You heart may be in the right place, you just need date someone who improves your value, not take away from it and make you look like you doesn’t know any better. It’s hard to explain these things to some men because they always like to believe that are sure of everything and know exactly what it is they are doing….Do you, sir? Do you really know???

Here's another thought I want to share with you. Let my try to give you guys an analogy. Let’s mark different levels in life with percentage numbers. A man at 50% will probably attract a woman who is also 50% or higher, but on the other side of it, he's definitely going to look like 100% to a woman who is at 20% or 30% because women like date up and will do more than a woman at 50% to get the man whom is at 50%. And the man probably knows this and likes her willingness to do more for him because the other women closer to his level are more likely to look for a man higher than 50% (are you following?). And when a man can't offer more or want to be more, he dates lower (are your hearing me?). Just let this sit on your mind a bit and think about your dating history or think about people you know and the type of people they date.

This is why I think it is better to date within your caliber, not too high, not too low, just that good range where you too are not constantly having to explain yourselves or struggling to communicate. This is one of the things my friend and I were talking about. As mature as some of the younger adults may seem to be, there’s still some things they just are ready to comprehend with people who have a little more experience in life. For instance, remember the 25 year old I met last year and I decided right away that I would not play games with him? I made that decision because although he is persistent, sweet, ambitious, and further ahead in life than most of his peers, mentally we are not in the same realm of understanding. Our lives are too different, I’ve been where he’s been already and so much more. Our progress is not on the same level, maybe in another 10 years, he’ll be where I am now, and I may have slowed down a little to where our lives better align, that’s just not the case right now. And although he is very attractive and a great guy, I know better than to get myself involved with someone who isn’t ready for my life.

Ladies, I will say this much…I do have a lot of attractive men in my circle. Sometimes I look at my guy friends and think, Damn, my boys look good. — Like as if I made them. You know what, I hope they say the same about me too.

Anyway, I’m not saying don’t take risks with people and relationships, just don’t let your heart be the only one making moves, let your head keep you leveled.

Recovery

February 15, 2023

My last 3 days consisted of…

Sunday: Superbowl loss. The pain.😫

Monday: Binge drinking all day. It started at lunchtime and did not stop until about 12am. Too much and I remember so little details from that span of time. 😫

Tuesday: Did not get out of bed and wasn't functional until about 6pm. I did get some sweet messages from friends and a few from some of you. I also got an email from someone who wants to do a write-up about my dissertation topic. This will be my 3rd interview about my accomplishments and goals. 😊

What do you guys think of this video and what he’s saying? IS this true? Is there really no such thing as “being too busy”? So because I do not make time for someone, does that really mean I don’t care enough to want to see them? Is this the narrative we are accepting?

*There’s a few people I should send this to. Lol.

Just A Few Minutes

February 12, 2023

“There's men who really don’t appreciate a woman who has her own, they instead go for someone who wants to be his dependent.”

So I saw this statement on one of my social media feeds, take a second to read it.

Fellas, I know some of you are on here and I'll tell you right now, THIS IS SOOOOO ABSOLUTELY TRUE! And let me explain why…

When we are taking care of ourselves, there’s no charade or showboating. We know exactly what we want and exactly what area of the Hello Kitty to focus on. My only audience is me.

The Effort Series

When I tell you this dress turned heads…IT TURNED HEADS!

With a man, and I can only speak for myself, but when I’m with a man I want the full experience, the kissing, touching, hugging, the tease, the foreplay, the talking, I want it all and I want it to last longer than a few minutes. But when it’s just me, there's no need for all of that, I just need to clear my head and it won’t take me long to do that. So yeah, we only need a few minutes. 😼

For those of you who don’t know what a rose is, it’s a toy that looks like a rose and the middle peddle vibrates and moves a different speeds depending on the setting you put it on. This toy has great marketing and has a lot of good reviews and I can tell you it lives up to the hype and all the reviews are accurate. 😼💦

Our Business Not Yours

February 8, 2023

“I hate when people lie to me when I can read their energy. Who are you trying to convince? Me or You? Because I already know.”

This topic is sort of related to the My Man My Man post and for those of you who asked me about how my guy friend reacts when I say certain things to the women he’s dating, he doesn't react because he'll tell those ladies that I’m not going anywhere and they'll either have to accept it or be gone. And all of them cooperate because they want to be with him. And again, I never slept with him so there's no sexual energy between us. Some women just aren't comfortable with me around their men no matter what my history is with him. And the women who try to get snappy with me, I hold my tongue as best as I can because I can promise you that anything I say in retaliation will crush her soul and have her thinking her whole life choices. — You don’t want to play with a woman who has her shit together because she did and learned a lot to get there and she will tare down your value if you push her. If a woman has an issue with a man she’s dealing with, don’t bring your aggression towards another woman or bring other people into it, address it with the man because if you’re not my friend and you’re getting upset with my about a man, I’m not going to really care too much about your feelings because your focus is on wrong person.

There is also a few of you who didn’t like that I said I'm not one of those females who does the whole, “I’m coming to you as a woman.” and saying I should be more supportive to women. What is there for me to support? Listen, adult relationships are different especially the older you get and you realize everyone has their own ways of making things work. It’s not my place to tell a woman about a man, any man. He decides however he decides to act and you have the option to accept it or walk away. You can tell him about things that bother you and if he doesn't make any changes, then that is his choice and you can make your choice. There's no need to get anyone else involved for you to decide what to do. Can you not make your own decisions? Do you not have options? That's why I’m not telling a woman about a man, I’m not going to influence her heart in way. Her partner should be handling that.

Anyways, let’s move on. You guys know how I talk about privacy? Let's talk about privacy in our relationships even if it’s not yet too serious and let’s all get on the same intellectual field here about secrecy vs privacy because I hate being gaslighted and being told I don’t know what I’m talking about when my intuition was right the whole time…C'mon now I’m not a dumb broad. I’m pampered, but I ain’t dumb and I pay attention 😏. Secrecy is denying your involvement with someone. Privacy is acknowledging your involvement with someone, but not sharing details about it.

The Effort Series

Even when I was being casual, I still made is stylish.

You still need to keep a barrier between you, your partner and everyone else. My two best friends are both married. Just like any other relationship, they go through some tough times, but a marriage is high level commitment and communication. Both my bestfriends and I can talk about anything with one another and we support each other unconditionally. My one bestfriend has never discussed with me any of her marriage woes. While my other best friend has only once told me when her husband was upsetting her and it was more so a disagreement between the two of them and they both said some harsh things to each other, it wasn't a divorce level issue. Either way, my bestfriends and I all know that our relationships are our own not anyone's, not our parents, not our other friends, not our other family members, not our coworkers, no one. The most anyone really needs to know is that you are in a relationship, any other piece of information isn't necessary unless you want to share it.

Even with my marriage my friends didn't know there was issues until it ended. Everyone thought we were doing good. Although, my ex had a habit of sharing our business with other people. So when my friends learn about some details, they called me about it. I didn't want to discuss it, I just wanted to move on.

It's the same with anyone else in my life, if I’m having issues with them, I don’t console with anyone else. There have been times when a mutual party would step in, which I don't mind, but I still keep the details limited and I'll let the other side tell their story however they want to tell it. Keep in mind that people who have a lot to say about someone when things are bad they are deflecting their part in the problem which is why if I’m on bad terms with someone I don't give anyone too much information about what the problem is. If that person and myself cannot work it out then I’m not going to solicit other people to get their involvement or input. If there is a mutual person who wants to step in then it should be a person who knows both of you and is going to be unbiased.

Zodiac Compatibility: Real?

February 3, 2023

“Taurus women are loyal and sensual lovers.”

Not Mentioned: With the Asian zodiac (said to be most accurate) I was born in the year of the Ox. Patience and honesty are the two characteristics that many people appreciate the ox for. The reliable, dependable, and loyal ox is probably the best type of friend you can ever have. Oxen are very caring towards their family and friends. The will always be there when someone they care about is in need, but the ox is very stubborn; it is hard to change their mind when they have already decided on something. They are usually calm, but when they are at their limit, they can turn into an aggressive person. - I can see this being accurate.

Okay, first topic of the month and since we’re starting off I figured it be best to begin with the zodiac topic and I am paring it with another post that’s about what one of you suggested I start doing.

Interesting…

This is very accurate to my personality. I’m very chilled and laid back, but if you push the right buttons, there’s no telling what will happen. You only get a pass to try me one time.

Like I said in a previous topic, I’m not a huge believer of this, but I'm willing to read about it here and there. It all depends on what you believe. I’m into Greek and Roman mythology and they believed in God’s that represented similar ideas to the zodiac signs. Plus, I always like reading the stories that have hidden life lessons and theories. Oedipus, Sisyphus, Medusa, Persephone, and Narcissus are a few good stories if you want to do a little reading. — Those Greek and Roman Gods were reckless!

My sign is a Taurus. It’s assume that one of my top compatibility partners is a Scorpio. Taurus is an earth element and ruled by Venus, which in Roman mythology represents love, beauty and pleasure. Tuaruses are said to be loyal, stable, dependable. Scorpio is ruled by Mars (are you picking up where this is going). Mars represents action, passion and sexuality. Scorpio's element is water. So what they are saying is the opposites between Taurus and Scorpio is what attracts them together and can create balance: Mars (masculine) and Venus (feminine), earth and water, sensuality and sexuality. Both signs have a desire for pleasure and luxury. I also read that these signs can have a great sex life as long as Scorpio is tender and Taurus experimental….yeah, I’ll leave that to your imaginations.

The Effort Series

The really used to focus on accessorizing my looks.

Another sign that is compatible to me is Cancer. Cancer is also a water element. It’s said that a Taurus and Cancer are affectionate and nurturing and share many of the same values and interests. Their connection is based on empathy and trust and have a perfect understanding and value security, commitment, and love. A Taurus and Cancer couple will be like “Peaceful Warriors” and will approach problems with practicality. Taurus and Cancer couples are powerful because they know how to complement each other with ease. They also get along really well with each other as they are both sentimental, and sensual and they appreciate each other's ability to love deeply.

My next compatible sign is Capricorn. Capricorn is the goat and Taurus is the bull so they have similar characteristics. Both of these zodiac signs are practical, dependable, and intelligent. Both are earth elements and are attracted to each other's stability and reliability. They are both extremely ambitious individuals with a tremendous work ethic and a high drive to succeed on the professional front. Since they are both Earth signs, they are both grounded people and build a solid and responsible relationship.

So if any of you are any of these signs, you may be the one for me. 😄BUT I must give you a heads up, because I am very reserved, I tend to hold things in and can be sensitive at times, so your emotional intelligence needs to be on point.

Find out your sign compatibility is this article my friend shared with me: HERE . Remember, this is just for entertainment, I wouldn't run home with this information. And if you’re dead set on compatibility partners being based on zodiac signs, look at the people who you know are married and have been married a long time, what are their signs?

Love Challenge

February 3, 2023

“I like to engage with people of my caliber. I limit my attention to everyone else.”

So this topic came about after one of you readers suggested I start doing a few things differently to have a fulfilled love life…I love how your guys look out for me. Before I get in to that, to be clear, having a romantic relationship is not one of my top goals and you all know I’m stubborn, right? The last man I was involved with was in 2021. Remember in a previous post I mentioned I had a little back and forth with someone about the timeline of when I was last with a person? I did my research and confirmed my timeline. So the other person is confused and is probably telling the wrong information to make other people feel better…My thought is if you’re going to tell a part of my business, tell it right, don’t just say things to make yourself look better. Because when someone else doesn’t remember the same way, they may have been doing some bs on their end. Just my opinion.

The Effort Series

Coordination is a skill.

Look I want to enjoy my life and if I have to cry or be upset, I rather shed tears for other people who are going through troubles; I’m not shedding tears for myself anymore. And you can still value the history you have with someone, that's beautiful, but if there was any hurt or pain, you have to let that go and be grateful of where you are right now✅️. And with the guy there some things that happened which hurt me, he may have a different perspective and that's okay because today, we’re fine. He was the last significant relationship type of thing I had, but it’s not awkward when I see him.

Anyway, let’s move on. I will take some of these mentioned suggestions into consideration. And I also want to mention that I am starting to come out of my shell just a tad…I mean, I did go on a date a few weeks ago. That’s a start. I think with where I am at in life I can only sparsely dedicate my attention to building a relationship with someone new. I really don’t want to go through getting to know someone with the intention of something happening, I rather hangout with someone when my time permits and make the most of that time and if an intimate relationship develops, that’s okay, BUT I still want us to keep our initial friendly foundation like hanging out casually, talking about different life topics, and enjoying each other outside of sex. I need someone who is of my caliber and can fully understand that I have my life already setup to my preference and I am willing to bend my own rules on some things, but I cannot make compromises that take away from my stability. - A homie, lover, friend, that’s what I would like. (I think I talked about this in previous topics.)

Here are the suggestions made to me:

Meet someone new each month: This won’t be hard because I meet people all the time when I am out because I am very welcoming and open to conversations with people around me although, I usually keep it at that and do not engage into anything further. I could be more open to connecting better with new people.
Go on at least 2 dates a month: Well, I already did one in January, I guess I could be open to this.
Reconnect with someone you already know: I have no comments for this one.
Be more affectionate: I actually had this realization late last year that I am not very physically affectionate although, I am verbally affectionate, so I can improve on this.
Agree to spontaneous trips with someone: Ummmm…this one I am a little hesitant on. Unless I already know the man very well or I’ve already been intimate with him, I am not so sure about just disappearing with a random person for a few days.
Be more flirtatious: I think I am charismatic, but I am fuzzy on what flirting is. Do I just smile and give a man compliments? Or do I say suggestive things? Like if he asks me what I’m doing later do I say Him? Do I give him sultry looks? What defines as flirting that’s not too forward?
Make special time to be with someone special: Well, I can do this. Once I have someone special, I can definitely devote some undivided time to him.
Send good morning and goodnight messages: Again, once I have my homie, lover, friend, I am open to doing this.

Thank you dear reader who send me this list. I’m willing to be open to these things and see what happens.

January Summary

February 1, 2023

“Come with love and peace or leave needing it.”

WHEW…I don’t know about you guys, but this month has been A LOT! I hit the ground running on the first of the month and have not stopped yet! Plus we talked about a lot of topics in the last few weeks, wouldn’t you agree? I don’t think I have ever wrote this much in one month. I cannot promise it will continue to be like this, my Spring term is heavily centered around reading and research, so I may have a period of quietness, but don’t fret, I am never gone too long.

I also want to welcome the 800 new readers here, I don’t know what caught your interest to this site, but I am so happy you chose to be here and read or listen to all this madness. THANK YOU! For those of you who are new, I’m Raya. I developed this site in 2008. I write about topics pertaining to love, relationships, how to best navigate through them and to not lose yourself in the process. Many times I reference my own experiences, but I never get too personal.

The Effort Series

I listen to my church sermons online now, but when I used to go in person, I really made sure I was presentable.

I’ve already got a few topics set aside for February such as identifying the types of relationship you want vs. the types of relationship you get into and how you include other people into your relationship. For instance if people are always around you and getting involved into your personal details, then it’s their relationship too 🤷🏽‍♀️😆. I am also going to talk about the suggestion one of you readers gave me about my own love life…that’s going to be an interesting topic. Plus, are you guys zodiac people? Meaning you follow hard on what your birth sign is and how it relates to your future and the type of person you are? I’m not. Although, I do have friends like that and I do listen intently, I’m just not a full believer. One of my friends sent me a zodiac compatibility based on my sign, which I thought was very interesting and that’s going to be another topic. So yeah, February is mapped out it seems. Any of you have Valentine’s Day plans? I think I may do a spa day, wine and dine myself with a fancy dinner (there is the one resturant called Evnaglines that people keep telling me about, but I have yet to go to. I wonder if I’ll need a reservation if it’s just me…Hey, I have no shame in have dinner by myself. I enjoy my own company and that’s why I think the “Single” life with an understanding and caring lover-friend will work best for me), and maybe I’ll book a night at a local hotel. We’ll see.

Happy February everyone!