I'm Good

January 30, 2024

“Being mature in theory is not the same as being mature in practice.”

Many of your are trying to talk me into just getting out there and having a little fun with someone, trust me, some of my friends are doing the same. It’s not falling on deaf ears. I get what you are saying, but I do have fun anytime I step out. Although, you want to have me out here playing around with some man. I just can’t do it, well I could, but I won’t. I just can’t open up and be out here with some random man. There’s levels to this B.

He has to meet me intellectually. He has to meet me professionally. And he had to meet me maturelly. Yeah, I could go and have my way with someone, but that doesn’t gratify my soul. I’m not an instant gratification type of person. I like to have fun, but not the type of fun that will have me waking up next to a stranger or next to someone who I shouldn’t be intimate with. I was talking to a friend I’ve known for many years and we were discussing different with men and women dating at certain levels. I made the comment, I believe some older men have affinities for younger women because younger women make them feel more wanted and needed because those women are still working up to what a more mature woman may have already achieved, so she needs a sense of co-dependency with a man.

My friend added to that by saying younger women “go after” it more because that’s where their heads are at and they have yet developed parameters for themselves. Whereas older women, most of them, know what they like and they may deviate from that depending on how interested they are in the man, but for the most part they stay in the neighborhood of what they prefer. My friend also told me he recently went on a guys trip out of the country and the met a few women. Now pay attention to this next part…

My friend is older than I am and he said the women they met were very pretty, very friendly, and seemed very eager, BUT they were young. He said he would have been in trouble if one of them were at least in her 30s. He said even though they were very attractive and fun, he didn’t find interest in taking it further with any of them, and that just meeting and hanging out with beautiful women was enough. And you know what, I can appreciate a man who understands the different between superficial lust vs. tangible attraction. I can appreciate a man who can see a gorgeous woman, no matter what age, and just leave it at that and not see a pretty face and think, “Huh, maybe something could happen with her." You can be up in age and still roll with the punches, but you also need to understand the emotional intelligence of people at different ages. More importantly, you don’t need to be for everyone. Experiences can make a person more mature, but life lessons and good life skills come with age and self-reflection and the willingness to make improvements.

I admire men who can look at themselves and identify what they are attracted to, but can differentiate a substance base interest vs an unsubstantial interest.

I told my friend about the 25 year old I befriended last year and I told him the young man didn’t have much tact when speaking with me. Even though he had a professional career, lived on his own, and had achievable goals, his language and competency of life experiences was only relative to his age, his environment, and who he chose to be around. And that’s no fault to him. I can’t expect someone in their 20s to have that same knowledge of life that I have. Because as you age, you are supposed to go through experiences that can change your lenses on how to make decisions, how you carry yourself, and how you act towards people. And with that being said, recently a different young man sat next to me while I was having a drink and struck up a conversation with me. He was a cutie, and had a respectful vernacular, but with my experience with the last young man in his 20s, I just left it as a nice conversation about went about my evening. I’m no going to play games with anyone who I know is attracted to me any may try to push their luck. Especially when they just met me or don’t know me too well. Plus, from hearing stories from girlfriends who dabble in the tadpole pool, they say the young ones only have one speed 👀😬😳. I can’t work with that. I need a lover to know how to switch gears 😅. Although, some older men stick to one speed too 🙄😒.

I’m good either way. I don’t need anyone disrupting my focus or expecting more than I can give. Whenever and whomever I chose to get close to will have to be the creme-de-la-creme (well at least in my eyes, because it is all based on perception), and he will value me in the current realm of who I am, and I will value him in the current realm of who he is and we’ll go from there. Until then, I’ll be in my own business enjoying friends, family, and myself.

Be safe everyone.

Options Aren't Really Options

January 23, 2024

“When your mind is disciplined, your body will be too.”

The idea that you have so many options as far as romantic partners has some fallacy behind it. Although, there may be many possibilities of choices, it doesn’t mean they are actual options. For instance, a willing high school student isn’t an option for an adult who is not looking to be arrested and charged with sexual abuse of a minor. But let’s look at this in another way. For me, anyone I directly work with is not an option. Anyone under 35 is not an option. Anyone without their own transportation or living space is not an option. And this isn’t because I am high maintenance, it is more so why would you have not secured certain essentials? I guess this would be more of what you prefer, but I do prefer someone who has the main essentials in life. I think it also has to do with priorities as well and maybe a little bit of how you were raised or what was taught to you as far as what is important to have.

Much like in my last post about maintaining a good pH balance, I shared that I’ve not been intimately involved with anyone and that’s by choice, not because no one has shown interest. Due to what my life is like right now, with work, growing my freelance business, my studies, and the dynamics of my family obligations, I have a lot on my plate right now and I do not know of any man who will be patient and understanding of that, which leaves me to having “no options” for intimate companions. Especially with regards to my academics. I knew that the courses would get more involved as I progressed further. I just started my Spring term 2 weeks ago and only 3 more to go! I am so close it makes me feel anxious and excited. And I don’t need some man downplaying my goals and my lack of availability because I'm trying to reach higher. I’ve barely spoken to any of my friends the last few weeks because I've been spending most of my free time reading, writing, and preparing for the next phase of my research. I'm not trying to wait until the last term to get everything done, so I'm serious about my time right now. I’ll breakout every now and then to hang out with people, but I still need to stay focused.

And like I mentioned several times, I am choosy with who I allow to see me in a certain light. The practice of remaining celibate wasn’t something I planned, it’s just how it’s playing out because of my standards and boundaries.

I am not suggesting anyone to be the same way, do what works best for you. But, I rather not waste my time or play games with some 20-something year old just for quick thrills. No, I’ve got to see something in you other than just a few common interest and sex. There’s plenty of young men who want to see more about me, but I know there’s nothing that will come of it, so I don’t even play with the thought. If I was the cheap thrills type of person or had a one night stand type of mentality, I’d probably be thinking about all of this differently, but I’m not like that, so here we are. And I not saying I require a serious relationship. No, but I do require someone to be serious about me, if that makes any sense. He does not have to revolved his life or decisions around me, but I’d appreciate consideration for me when he is doing something or planning to do something that may affect me whether positively or negatively.

Ladies we have to take accountability for our decisions just as much as we expect men to do it. A very attractive man or woman may have plenty of people wanting their attention, but YOU decide who gets it and the type of person or the caliber of person you decide to choose can say a lot about who you are. You can have a great connection with anyone, but you've got to be emotionally intelligent enough and self-aware enough to not get too wrapped up in someone who:

1. Can't or won't understand what you want or trying to do.

2. Manipulate you into feeling guilty about your personal goals or standards.

3. Wants to be with you to benefit off your status or success

4. Doesn't see you as an equal person and doesn't consider your happiness and comfort

5. Someone who isn't emotionally intelligent and self-aware themselves who won't acknowledge their flaws to better themselves for the sake of being a better person.

I've seen my friends get involved with certain types of people and I think, oh that was a vulnerable choice and it never lasts for them, but I don't say anything because sometimes people get defensive when you point out their deficiencies, because they don't want to believe they make poor decisions because they've gotten their emotions too involved with someone who doesn't align well with them. Like I said, you can have a great connection with anyone, but you don't have to emotionally or intimately connect with them. But hey, that's your choice and sometimes we need to make the wrong ones to learn and eventually make the right ones. But remember, everyone who's interested in you doesn't mean they're an option for you.

Be safe everyone.

How's Your pH?

January 15, 2024

“Sometimes staying away from what you want isn’t the hard part, it’s being near what you want that can be difficult.”

Hey ladies, let’s talk. So what's your pH balance doing these days? I know I’ve discussed this before and I’m going to keep discussing it because your vaginal or Hello Kitty health is important and it needs to be a priority to you. So fellas, this may not be a topic for you, but if you stick around you might learn something useful.

If there are any young ladies here who isn't full knowledgeable about vaginal discharge, depending on the color and consistency, vaginal discharge can be healthy. And if your discharge bleaches your underwear, that's a positive thing because that indicates you have good pH balance. And that's why the recommendation is that you buy new underwear every 3-6 months. For me, I’m change mine ever 2-3 months because 1. I’m serious about my Hello Kitty and 2. I’ve not been letting anyone play with my Hello Kitty for _____ years. Let’s just say a very long time. I've not allowed anyone to come swim in my pool. It's been closed and locked. So I definitely have good vaginal health going on right now. 😆😇

Vaginal discharge can often stain/bleach your underwear because it is naturally acidic. The vagina has a 'good' bacteria called lactobacilli which keeps it healthy by maintaining optimal acidity levels and preventing bad bacteria from causing infection. When this discharge is exposed to air, it oxidises causing it to bleach your underwear. So when you notice something off with your discharge, pay attention and if you're having sex with someone, my best suggestion is to hold off until you get your pH back in order. But your grown, do what you want. I'm just saying, if there's something going on with my pH and I've been having sex with someone, then he's no properly taking care of his personal health or maybe hygiene because a man’s bad hygiene can definitely cause nasty bacteria for you.

Sex to me is very personal. I’m sharing my body with someone so I prefer to be very selective and that's the biggest reason why I don't have a long list of sexual partners. Listen, the one time I did something out of character and thought I was going to have a one night stand, it ended up being a thing for 8-9 years. 😆 That gentleman and I are still social, he's not seen my naked in a while, but I really thought the day I met him was going to be the last day I saw him. Yeah, so apparently when I tried to do something I’m not used to doing I still end up staying who I am 😂. And I think I told him that the day I met him, I made several decisions I normally wouldn't make. I don't know if he believed me, but that's my truth.

But back to having a healthy pH balance, it’s a new year ladies, if you haven't paid much attention to your Kitty's health, it’s time to start. You’ve got to keep her clean. Just like how you would clean and take care of your face, you've got to put in that same effort with her. I shared the oils I used in a previous post and I share it again below along with an oil mix for your face, but you can also use the V Mix for your face too.

There's no particular measurement, I just use the dropper and mix 2 to 3 full droppers of each oil into the bottle. I consistently use this oil mixture daily, just like how you would use lotion on other parts of your body, the Kitty needs lotion too.

In a small dropper bottle, mix the following:

https://amzn.to/3SiZqyN (Purchase Glass Dropper Bottles)

”V” Oil Mix:

Sesame Oil
Argan Oil
Jojoba Oil
Tea Tree Oil

Face/Eyes Oil Mix

Almond Oil
Rosehip Oil
Castor Oil
Tea Tree Oil

My Boyfriend Is A Great Husband To His Wife

January 9, 2024

“You can either be right or you can get what you want, but you can’t have both.”

I was hoping we would not have this topic so early into the year, but here we are. One of you sent me a message saying how you found someone and love everything about him. You discussed all the things you do together and what you talk about and then at the end of the message you say he’s married with kids. I feel like I shouldn't be surprised anymore, but somehow I still am when I learn of things like this. And the part that really caught me off guard was how you spoke about how much you admire the wife. She’s has her own business and positive influence to the community, I don’t think you mentioned if you know the wife personally or if you were friends with her, but for her sake and for your sake, I hope not. But this also makes me wonder why some men have affairs with women who are not of the same makeup as their wives. I guess maybe this eliminates them from running into each other or being in the same social circles, or I think the reality of it is a woman of a lesser stature shows more desire to men, like she wants the life or the experience she doesn’t yet have or will ever have. And from what I have experienced, men like to be desired. I’m not mad at that, we all like to know someone is interested in us.

And men are visual beings, they like seeing what is appealing to them and if a man has a woman who is constantly showing her interest towards him, it peaks his interests too. If he has a wife who works a lot or he is with a woman who has many obligations, she probably isn’t as accessible as a woman who isn’t at the same levels. But to be fair, there are men who are in relationships with highly established women and have no interest in allowing someone to take her place, he just maybe dabbles here and there without affecting the relationship he cares most about. And I can applaud that type of man; he already has something great, but every now and then, he just lets his other instincts play out. Honestly, that’s not something I’d be overly upset about, as traditional as my views and morals can be.

I’m adaptable, if it’s not affecting my health or making me second guess his feelings for me, or negatively changing the status of our relationship, then I’m not going to add unnecessary stress to my thoughts. Just don’t do anything foolish in front of me, like don’t do something to make me wonder if the woman who keeps smiling at you is going home with you or not. If I’m in the same space as you regardless if it was planned or not and we are sleeping with each other or at the very least have shown interest for each other, then respect my presence and don’t show me something that will make me think little of you; and that’s usually where men fail when it comes to being involved with me.

If you are new here, I’ve not been in a lot of relationships or had many partners. When I was in my 20s I was married and having kids, so I wasn't really exposed or aware of the types of things going on in other relationships, I was mainly focused on my own household, but I’m not naive to what happens in relationships, I’ve just not had a lot of experiences in that subject matter. And I never had that “Hoe Phase” that maybe could have shown me how different situations can be.

Sidebar, I asked someone if I should have a Hoe Phase and he told me that if it’s not in your character than you’re not going to be comfortable with acting like that. He also said that too many people glorify it and take it too far and make it part of who they are, not realizing it can be damaging to your views of people or even your relationships. He says if you're going to have a Hoe Phase, then keep it at that and there's a certain level of maturity and understanding one needs to have so that phase doesn't break your spirits about love, whether it’s loving other people or loving yourself. So in conclusion to this sidebar, it's safe to say, I will NOT be entertaining any kind of Hoe Phase. And trust me, I’m not mad about it, and I don’t feel I’ll be missing anything substantial either. I think I’ve just always been particular about who I’m intimate with. I know there are so many people my age and younger who have surpassed my body count or have more sexual experience than I do, and I’m okay with that.

But let’s get back to this dating while married thing. Is everyone doing this? Is this the common trend now? Is marriage not the same anymore or has this always been happening? I will say this, there have been stories that one of my older relatives had affairs outside of the marriage, but still maintain the original home and family without any major issues. So it’s not that I am not accepting this concept , and I am far beyond passing judgments. I’ve witnessed matters like this over and over again, and I’ve always said, Women know who they marry.

I think an ideal situation for a single woman if she was choosing to date a married man, is if the man himself is separated or not living with the wife and is only still in the marriage for tangible reasons. I think that could be a workable situation, even though morally questionable. And in this type of situation, I also think the wife should know of the woman, maybe not meet her, but at least know of her, just to have some type of distant understanding of everyone. Although, if a woman is just having fun and not wanting a significant relationship, then I suppose the status of a man’s marriage would not matter at all.

I think where there is love there is also chaos, I guess you just have to be aware of the chao you cause directly or indirectly and be good at managing the chaos. I’ve already made it clear that I have no plans to be married again, but that doesn’t mean I cannot love people or have deep feelings for them. It just means that whoever I do decide to love will have to know what my limitations and boundaries are with consideration of his limitations and boundaries too.

Be safe everyone.

Oh, Hey Ms. Independent

January 3, 2024

“Women aren’t made to be understood. They are made to be loved.” - Oscar Wilde

Question for all of you: What do you consider being independent?

Here's my definition. Someone who is independent relies on themselves and utilize resources to help themselves get through an obstacle. An independent person doesn't lean on anyone else to help them financially. Your car, your insurance, your meals, your home etc. Now, there may be some confusion with people who have roommates, some may need a roommate due to financial reasons or if someone can afford to live alone, but rather share a space with someone, maybe someone who is financially independent, but not emotionally or socially independent.

A person who maybe financially independent, may still need to depend on others for other types security and validation, like they cannot be alone or they constantly need people around them to feel comfortable and important. And I think this is what my Auntie was telling me about not being so independent. I am so used to doing things myself that any inkling of someone who isn't a family member wanting to be there for me, I get so guarded. I didn't even depend on my ex-husband fully.

I also think independent people are also very private people, but don’t hold me to this because I cannot speak for everyone. I just think that people who have come up on their own, don’t include too many people in their decision making or different aspects of their lives. For instance, people may see me out being social and having fun. They may know of me, but they don’t know much about me. They may think I go out all the time or that my life is full of leisure activities, when actually I’m in the house most nights and my leisure activities consist of listening to one of my playlist or watching old movies. But people may have certain ideas of me because of their particular interaction with me. Although, I think at the very least, people see that I am a happy person who is easy to talk to.

I do think that being too independent can be a crutch because you have become so conditioned to only trusting yourself and only a select few people. I lean on myself fully, if there’s someone I need assistance with, my first call is to my father, after that it all depends on what I need and who I know that may have the knowledge or tools to help me. Although, this can interfere with your relationships. So I like to go to places by myself most times and if I run into people, then I run into them, but my girlfriends hate that I am like this. They always get on me about not being alone, but I do not see it like that. While my guy friends fully understand my purpose for this. So with guys that I have been involved with, there were times I would not reach out for days at a time or step out without inviting them. I meant no harm by it, it’s just what I am comfortable with doing. Or in another aspect, I have not always been great with asking them about their day and keeping routine conversations going with them and again, I meant no ill intent, and it also did not mean I was not thinking of them, I just am so used to my own daily routines and tasks.

I believe when you are in a relationship or have any sort of intimate involvement with someone, there is a subconscious expectation of you. You are expected to say certain things, change certain things, and act a certain way. And I completely understand that, but what if you are already kind of set into your life and like how it is, how much are you willing to adjust for the sake or health of your relationship? So this is something that I have not been well versed in because I still kept my walls up in previous dealings with men and never fully let them in. So I guess a man having patience is what will work best for me and knowing how to explain things to me to help my see why having someone could bring value or be a benefit to my life in several ways and actually acting on that.

Although, with everything that I have done and continuing to do for myself, having a man with the same mindset would be ideal, but he’d have his set routines and ways about him too. At what point would we know to make changes for each other? I’m not saying I require us to integrate all parts of our lives with one another, but for us to balance and comprehend each other we would need to let each other in, aside from just stepping passed the doorway. I think this is why I avoid getting too involved with someone, because when I do take time to think about all of this, it’s a lot. And I am still on the mode of not wanting a partner and having a companion instead who understands that I like and need my space to be able to be the best me, but to also be a man of his action and appreciating the woman I am without making me feel bad or being inconsiderate of my feelings, time, and space.

I’m harmless, a man should not be scared of me, but in the same breathe, I’m not the easiest person to be involved with and I fully admit that. I have my life set in place and that is a result of who I am and who I have become. Maybe I’ll come across someone who will know just exactly how to open me up without making me feel I’m giving up too much of myself and still makes me feel supported and understood. Although, there’s a part of me who thinks this too much of an expectation for anyone, so I do even bother letting anyone try. So yeah, I see it, being too independent can be a problem whether you are a woman or a man.

Be safe everyone.