I have a personal rule: “Don’t talk finances in casual conversations.” This means that I do not discuss what is in my bank, how much I make, or the fine details of my investments. The only time I feel it proper to have this type of dialogue is with a broker, a business partner, and/or a spouse. I have learned that when people start to know how much you have or how much you spend, they begin to categorize you by that dollar amount. I recently caught up with a childhood friend and we were discussing our fields of work. He proceeded to ask me what my income amount was and my response to him was, “I do well.” I know my friend had no ill intentions with asking me that question and although he shared details of his wife’s and his own income, for me Finances are Personal; I make it one of the very private sectors of my life. If I am ever struggling with money, I am going to confide in someone I trust and who I know can help me, like an accountant who can analyze my expenses, tell me where I need to stop spending and how much I need to save. And if I purchase something that is deemed “expensive” it’s because I made certain choices that allowed me to treat myself or my family.
We do live in a flashy society and people tend to value you by the things you have and further think about what you can do for them. I will admit, I am guilty of this; when I hear of someone talking about investments or wanting to build a business, I become intrigued and think about how this person and I can benefit one another. (Okay, maybe this isn’t so bad if I’m considering the advantages for both sides. I like business and I like profit sharing.) Unfortunately, there are people who only look for their own benefits….which is the main reason why I don’t like to talk about money with just anyone. Right now, no one but the government knows how much I rake in each year, not even my dear father.
Although, if I find myself in a relationship, I have to think about how my finances may affect his, how his may affect mine, and how both of ours can work or not work. You do not want to be involved in someone else’s frivolous debt or bad decision making with money because then you end up paying for it all if you plan to keep the relationship…but if you do not mind doing that, by all means go right ahead, who am I to tell you what to do with your money?
I wouldn’t say to talk about our credit reports on the first date but, at least after 6 months to a year we still cannot be so wrapped up in the beauty of romance that we forget about the overall “bill”. Once we identify that we want to grow together, we’ve got to talk about our financial stability. Is only one of us paying? Are we splitting anything? Are we co-signing? Is what’s yours, yours and what’s mine, mine? What types of debt do you have, if any? Credit cards? Student loans? What’s our FICO scores? If we cannot talk about money, then we cannot have a real future together, so let me Venmo, Cash App, or PayPal you my half of this love affair and I’ll go my own way. Let’s not linger because we got comfortable.
Not only are finances personal, but it can also be a sensitive topic. If your partner squirms anytime you mention dollars, that might be a sign of concern. Address the issues before they become bigger problems. Fellas it’s one thing if you want to gift your sweetheart with a nice surprise but, if she is asking you to buy her a pricey handbag, do you think about if she can afford it on her own? Does that matter to you? Or does it make you feel chivalrous to present your lady with flowers? (But we ain’t talking about flowers here.) Yet again, who am I to tell you what to do with your money? *Stay-at-home moms and wives, you are excluded from this topic, continue to love your husbands.
[According to a recent survey of 191 CDFA professionals from across North America, the three leading causes of divorce are "basic incompatibility" (43%), "infidelity" (28%), and "money issues" (22%).] Here is another article that talks about the top reasons for divorce and yes, Money makes one of the major reasons. Personally, I do not like conflict, it causes anxiety, but I will speak my piece when necessary. I like to think I am reasonable; I am an advocate of making your best attempts to be good to people even if they may not be so good to you, but that's all perception. If I do have conflicts, it is usually due to a misunderstanding of some sort and we all know that misunderstandings come from lack of communication. It all connects, folks. Don't just assume I "understand" if we have never discussed all the details. Sometimes what is unsaid can become misleading.
Read through some other articles that give insight and tips on when to talk about money when dating. You don't want to talk about it too early but, don't ever avoid having the money talk.
