Getting a Divorce is NOT the Same as Being Divorced

I follow a female social group on Instagram (@the_socialtea) They host fun-filled educational and empowerment events for women in different cities. Sometimes they encourage discussions online such as the one I am going to emphasis in this post.

"Is Dating a Married Man Who’s Going Through a Divorce Acceptable?”

As I read through the comments, it was a mix of “Yes, sometimes divorces can be prolonged.” and “No, it’s not okay, he needs time to heal…karma is real…and he is still married.” I didn’t place any judgment on any of the women, but I will admit I was a little disappointed with some of the comments. I do know of women who willingly and actively date married men, but those women are not any of my good friends.

I am on the side of NO, it is not acceptable no matter the state of a man’s marriage, he needs to close that chapter and sort out his emotions before seeking another companion or even dating. Even if you are just “talking” it’s still wrong. Don’t feel like you need to be his comfort, you are his diversion. The second you know a man is married, he is UNATTAINABLE. I do not care if you have history with this man or whatever he is telling you about his wife or their marriage (btw, a man who discusses his personal issues about his woman to other women is not honorable.) He chose to marry a woman who is NOT YOU and he should address any matters about their marriage with her, especially if they are going through a divorce. A woman who entertains a married man is THE OTHER WOMAN. Your fight in the triangle is not balanced. You have NO Legal, Financial, or Emotional Claim to him. Yes, I mention emotional because although he may be a “nice” guy but his true emotional barrings are not practical towards you. Here is an article about 5 Things to Expect When You Get Involved With a Married Man.

Let me give you some background on me and my previous life of being someone’s wife: Still in my 20’s and after 9 years, I finally came to realize I was not in a healthy home or relationship. In the 9 years, we did have a time of separation where my partner did see other people as did I. When we decided to reconcile, everything was good for a short period but, as any toxic relationship, the same issues were still there. Instead of confiding in me, the father of my children decided to lean on other women because it was too much for him to face me and resolve issues with me, so he chose to go where the less tension was. It was a nasty time in my life, I did not like who I was and my state of mind was unrecognizable. Even though I knew I needed to let go of this man, it did not help matters knowing that other women wanted him and did not care that he was with me. For some reason they felt “entitled” to him because they had developed a type of relationship with him. And these women were very adamant with telling me everything my partner was telling them and the times they have spent with him. Well guess what, I didn’t give a damn what they were saying or that my husband was making the worst decisions for himself and our family, the fact of the matter is we were still together and these women were on the outside wanting to come in. It was a different level of anger and it wasn’t towards my husband, it was towards these women who thought they wanted my position. (Let me tell you a secret that is not so secret, all of them are not fully happy with result of their choices.)

Here’s is a reality check for women who want attention from a married man: He chose to marry HER, not YOU. It does not matter if you knew him before he was married or met him afterwards, you are now making yourself be a second option. You want what you think is great because you see or speak to him in a limited capacity. You only see your point of view and want what you think someone else took from you or is keeping from you, but you are not seeing the toxic nature of what this man is doing to his wife and to you. And Sis, he most likely is reaching out to you because he knows you want him to and you let him. It doesn’t matter if he tells you he loves you and wants to be with you; he is still in a relationship that he needs to end before moving forth with a new one.

Yes, much of my distaste for this is due to my own real life experiences, but I have also not been the character to want, need, or crave the attention of a married man. I have married friends, some of which I am only friends with the husband or was friends with the husband first, but I never cross the line, and the biggest reason for that is I HAVE STANDARDS AND BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF. The fck I look like going after a married man? I have great fun with my married friends and respect their unions with their chosen partners and all marriages are different from the next, but I will never be The Other Woman.

There may be scenarios of women finding love in a married man and having happiness with him at the end or hearing of women putting up with a man’s emotional dysfunctions and eventually it works out. These are your “safety nets” and not very common, but if those safety nets make you feel better about your decisions, then hang on to them. Although think of this, if you have to adjust your wants and needs to shift how a man acts or responds to you, then you have shown him that you are willing to compromise yourself for him, so what else wouldn’t you do? You already blurred the lines of your independence and if you are that woman, never say things such as, “I wouldn’t let my husband do….” Really Sis? You are already letting him affect your good judgment and if you want him badly enough, you will continue to suppress reality and compromise yourself for him. Remember the saying, “How you get him is how you lose him.” and will you be okay with him being your partner if this is the behavior his is displaying with you? How confident are you in this married man of yours?

Now if a man did not tell you he was married, that is a different type of turmoil and again, if he’s married, he’s MARRIED. Get out now and get out quickly. Therapy will help. I can emphasis that I cannot dictate what others do; it’s your life and you do as you will with it, BUT if you are my friend who is doing this, I don’t have to agree with it or continue to accept you the same way in My life. I cannot speak for another woman or of her feelings towards a man, but I do have higher expectations for women than I do of men, especially for my friends. If you know a man is married and continue to want to develop a courtship with him, that’s fine for you, but I need freedom from that energy because I cannot look at you the same anymore. There is an insecurity there that I cannot help you through.

Ladies, there are so many ways to fulfill your life with happiness but, if you don’t have confidence in yourself, you will struggle with finding that happiness with anything or anyone. After leaving my ex, it took me a long time to find myself, recharge my core values, and be reminded that….

“I AM THAT BITCH! I’m beautiful, I’m smart, I’m funny, I don’t take myself too seriously, I can dress to the nines, I’m a damn good mother, and I’m a great friend. I’m there for you if you need me and if I can’t be there, I make it up later on. BUT, I am not going to deplete my energy for you or because of you; that is where I draw the line. It doesn’t matter if you are a lover, a friend, or a family member. I KNOW MY VALUE. I AM A TREASURE.”

My ex has tried to come back into my life a few times. We have children with together, so I cannot completely avoid him, but my communication is limited and rare. I do not play on his advances or give him any opportunity to think I am open to rekindling anything with him. I’m at peace and I’m going to remain here.

"Power Couples"

UPDATED: 03/07/2020

(Happy Valentine's Day. I feel like this day gets more pink and red each year. That's okay though, it's for us ladies anyway.) To those of you who are single, continue reading to the bottom for a message.

In my photographer life, I've captured a good amount of couples. Those madly in love, those newly engaged, those expecting, etc. But the couples who intrigue me the most are the ones building conglomerations together and seem to be...perfect. You know the types of people I'm talking about; the man who has the strongest presence in a room even if he's being silent and the woman who seems intimidating to approach even if she's being personable. They are not just the beautiful people, they are individually interesting, confident, charismatic, and powerful in their own right. Entertainment Society has termed these people who come together as "Power Couples".

Their definition is not referring to two people working and coming home to the usual "How was your day, honey?" types of conversations. It's referring to couples who are in the public eye, whether locally in their communities or nationally on a wider plain who inspire, encourage, and support one another in their personal and professional journeys. The couples who show up for each other. The couples who show their pride in their partners. The couples who push each other to achieve full potential. The couples who have loaded agendas....this sounds like any healthy couple, right? The Power Couples are usually people who have a strong sense of business fundamentals and have a vision to keep moving up the ladder whether it's in a corporation or within their own endeavors. They have a cohesive vision to plan, invest, and excel...together.

Outside from being a Power Couple, legitimate relationships aren't hidden from people. Private, Yes. Hidden, No. A couple may not share the details of their union, but they shouldn't shy away from letting people know they are together. If you are seriously involved with someone and being treated like a stranger or less than a partner when you two are around others, then you're not in a relationship, you're in what the younger generation calls, a "situationship" and that's a completely different dynamic.

I am a firm believer that a good friendship is the foundation to a great romance. You wouldn't hide your friendship, would you? If a friendship is one sided, unbalanced, and conditional, then don't expect it to be anything better if it becomes something more. For any relationship to thrive there needs to be a healthy level of love, respect, and admiration for each other. And the best way to do this is to SHOW it in your actions. We prove by doing, not by saying.

The forehead kiss is one of the most loving forms of affection for any type of relationship. (I've discussed this in extreme detail on my personal site a few years ago.) My young son has even started doing this sweet gesture with me. I may be exaggerating, but the forehead (or top of the head) kiss is a sign of admiration, love, and protection. To be clear, I'm not in any form of romantic affair and not entertaining the idea of anything close to one, (Yes World, there are women who keep themselves to themselves for reasons that are unique to them, respect it), so anytime I receive a forehead kiss it's from good friends, and it makes me feel that these people appreciate having me in their lives and if something is ever wrong with me, they would want to know or try to help me through it in some way. Sweet, right?

Here's a little something personal about yours truly: I'm not always vocal about where I am until after I've been there. More often than not, I take last minute trips for myself, by myself. Some people have jokingly referred me to "Carmen Sandiego" as a result of my disappearing acts, but I always maintain contact in some shape or form. Not too long ago there was a matter where I was almost completely inaccessible...(*sometimes when you are great at doing something, it causes others to feel threatened because they weren't given the opportunities you were. Hard work doesn't go unrecognized...or unpunished.) Only a handful of people were made aware of my location and was able to reach me through other channels. Many of my friends who could not reach me became concerned and two of them moved around their busy schedules to seek me out. They knew exactly how and where to find me, which was impressive since I wasn't in any of my common places. I don't think I've ever been hugged so tightly before and given so many forehead kisses. They stayed a few days and reminded me each day how important it is to always have a way to stay touch with ALL of my loved ones no matter what was going on.

I say all this to point out that loving someone begins before being in love. Being present for someone and supporting them is another way to show someone you love them. Even though the two friends who showed up for me were platonic friends, I want elements of their affections for me to paralleled with how my partner should care for me. And unfortunately, people can fall out of love, but at least you know what you liked when you were loved. To be this so-called Power Couple, or any type of couple, loving your partner is just as important (if not more important) as being in love with your partner; you two should at least like each other, right?...because if both of you are very busy, confident, driven, and ambitious, losing sight of each other can have an adverse effect on many of your goals. And depending on how you communicate, there may be times of a power struggle. Practice listening and compromising. Ultimatums are not always the best solution. You wouldn't go into a business meeting with equal partners and have only one thought process or strategy, would you? If not, then give your relationship the same attention. You can be powerful alone or you can be powerful together.

In a related post, I discuss dating age gaps. Interestingly enough, the age of you and your partner coupled with your phases in life can have an impact on how your relationship succeeds or suffers. Read more HERE. I also discuss the concerns of dating in the workplace HERE.

*For the Singles: Own being single. You are not alone, you are with yourself, change the narrative of how you acknowledge being single. Be confident and comfortable with your time and space. I've notice in the last year that my standards have only been going up and there is nothing wrong with that and I don't care what critics may say, I'm not settling for anyone who doesn't match my energy and I don't care who makes more money, as long as we keep making efforts for each other. I've been building upon business in other cities/states (image shown). I am extremely focused on how I want my life to be. Even with my personal assistant "S" moving to another country to begin her career, with her help, I have been able to better organize my time and delegate my tasks, yet I'm still very busy. I'm in a "No One Is Allowed To Touch Me" phase and I take pride in being there. I know I'm too amazing of a person to not at least get 80% from someone (80/20 Rule theory) or even 70/30. In a previous post, I talk about investing in people and deciphering between good and bad investments, here's a tip: investing in someone else's marriage is a not great investment see HERE, there's about 5% of happy endings in those scenarios.To invest in others is to also invest in yourself. Take yourself out and vibe with new people. Many strangers who I've met have either became associates, friends, or just good conversations I remembered from those interactions. Sometimes we put too much expectation on making an encounter more than what it really is or needs to be. Let it flow.

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Speaking of being supportive and showing it, on Super Tuesday, the Nation saw how Jill Biden is 100% for her husband. *This is NOT a political message nor does it represent my political views.*

Jill Biden blocked protesters who interrupted her husband's speech to supporters.

Why I frickin LOVE this image:

1. Jill didn't step aside, she stepped up! She was not having it and from the look on her face she probably would have went further if others didn't come in to remove the woman from the stage. (There were 2 protesters).

2. I smirk at Joe's almost nonchalant demeanor because he probably knows his wife is not one to mess with.

3. Jill's face said, "Not today, little girl. This is MY HUSBAND'S time."

4. Jill's face also said, "Catch me outside."

Your loved ones, whether it's your partner, your family members, or your friends should be just as supportive and protective of you as Jill is with her husband. We all need a Jill in our lives. Be like Jill.

She's a Jersey Girl raised in Willow Grove, PA. 😊

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She's Too Young For You, Bro.

Question 1: What is an appropriate age to begin dating?

Question 2: What is an appropriate age gap between two people whom are dating?

I had this conversation with a friend once and we discussed the difference between a 20 year old man and 20 year old woman verses a 40 year old man and a 40 year old woman.

The late R&B artist, Aaliyah, had a song called "Age Ain't Nothing But a Number" but not long after that song was released, we find out she allegedly had an inappropriate romance with an older man when she was just 14 years old.

Celebrities, people in entertainment, and people who make vast amounts of money sometimes break the lines of what is appropriate. I don't have to list their names, I'm sure you can think of a few. I'm no celebrity and 90% of my friends aren't celebrities, but the 10% who are well known definitely do not get seriously involved with those too young. So to us, what's abnormal IS indeed abnormal.

The age gap between two people isn't necessarily the bigger issue, it's the age of the people themselves and the place card they're at in life. At 25, what is your focus? Would it be the same as someone who is 40? That's a 15 year gap. Although, at 35, you may be on the same playing field as someone who is 50. And here’s a thought, at any age you could be working retail management with a 50k salary, good benefits, taking one nice vacation a year, and that would be enough for you. So you could be 45 and your partner 30, doing the same thing.

There are people who comment that a man who is dating someone much more younger is not fully connected with himself, matured, or disciplined enough so he wants to be with someone who keeps him feeling or looking young…while his friends and family observe and discuss their thoughts in private. I presume it may be the same for when a woman dates a much younger man….but, I’ve not reached those years yet where that could be a reality in my circle.

There is no set age of when someone is mentally and emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship, but with each new age we reach, we do become different people in the sense that we make decisions each year that shape us and we can either be better equipped to be in a relationship or need more time to ourselves. I'm not in my twenties and with technology changing the way we live, social media having more influence, and resources evolving, many young twenty year olds cannot relate to what I experienced while I was in my twenties or even my teenage years for that matter.

My friends and I joke about the music we used to listen to, the mixtapes we used to make with radio songs, having a phone with the long spiral cord, holding hands with your crush at the skating rink, and getting excited when pagers were a hot thing. I don't see myself being serious with someone who I cannot have similar conversations with, but that's only part of it. There also needs to be similar professional and personal missions.  If all you can discuss with me is the grass being green, I will grow tired of you fairly quickly. My mind cannot work with dense conversations.

I should not void out that a woman of a certain age and accomplishments is not the same as a man of a certain age and accomplishments.  I don't ever see myself providing a life for someone who is fully capable of proving their own desired lifestyle. But, a man may be okay with that and may not have any hesitation with dating younger; it's the dating someone too young that may raise some questions.

Hey, if you're happy, what does anyone else think? Enjoy your relationship. Be proud of it. If you feel like it's wrong, then you may need to ask yourself some questions and search for your own answers.