Acts of Service

April 28, 2023

“Don’t ask me who else is taking my attention, instead be the one I want to make time for.”

With me keeping myself to myself going on 2 years now and a learning more detailed tidbits about myself. So we’ve talked about the 5 Love Languages before:

Words of affirmation - Words build you up. You thrive on spoken affection, praise, encouragement, and compliments. Harsh words and criticism can bother you for a long time.

Acts of Service - Anything that your partner does willingly to ease your workload is a sign of love to you. You feel cared for when your partner vacuums before you get to it or makes you breakfast as a surprise. On the other hand, broken promises or laziness can make you feel unimportant.

Receiving Gifts - Thoughtful gift shows to you that you are special. In contrast, generic gifts and forgotten special events have the opposite effect. This love language isn’t necessarily materialistic – it could be as simple as receiving your favorite snack after a bad day.

Quality Time - You feel loved when you get undivided attention. When your partner is truly present (and not looking at their phone), it makes you feel important. Failure to actively listen or long periods without one-on-one time can make you feel unloved.

Physical Touch - Holding hands, kisses, hugs, and other touches are your preferred way to show and receive love. Appropriate touches convey warmth and safety, while physical neglect can drive a wedge between you and your partner.

I am now identifying that my languages are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Third and forth is quality time and is physical touch. And the last is receiving gifts. And this makes a lot of sense to me and I think when I was younger, the order was different and physical touch was my top one. On top of that, I fully understand why receiving gifts is at the bottom because objects don’t hold value to me as much as the person and spending time with them.

I think I started noticing this about myself through my communication with my little young Chicago boy, btw, he’s not too upset with me anymore. I don’t know if I shared this previously, but my little youngin’ was irritated that I was not answering his calls and making time to hang out with him. To be honest, I was trying to distance myself a little because I felt he was getting too close and didn’t want him to feel mislead by me. So I am still treading lightly and my biggest gripe about him is his dialogue. Like he’ll text me randomly and just type “Hey” — WTH am I supposed to do with that, he knows I am highly intelligent so why would he think that is going to solicit a response from me? I need depth, I need context, not the bare minimum. I mean I can dumb it down and be mediocre, but there’s a limit to that. Okay…I’m being facetious with what I am about to say…English is not my first language, so your dialogue and vernacular should be a lot better than mine.

But here’s the other part to it, this young man does know how to talk to me sometimes. And I’ll never admit this to him, but he did catch my attention when he was getting a little playfully aggressive and saying things like, “I know you’re older, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want too and right now, I want to see you.” 😳 And then he told me, “I know you’re not slow so stop acting like it, unless you found some new dude, let me know when you’re free.” 👀 Listen, when he was talking to me like this, I was just on the other end of the phone like, this boy really don’t know how attractive he’s being right now 😜! I guess this is another perspective of Words of Affirmation! I definitely need to be careful with this young man and keep reminding myself I cannot give him everything he wants, especially since in one of our conversations I learned that there’s only a few years difference between me and his mother! Yeahh…NO, I’m not playing those games. 🚫

Although, aside from his age and poor texting skills and maybe a few other things, he’s still a great young man and surprisingly he's gotten comfortable enough to talk to me about certain things like money. Ladies, this kid is 25 years old and already making six figures 😳! And he looking to buy his first investment property and he asking me about stocks and going back to school to get his Master's degree. I applaud him. Like, how many 25 years olds do you know who are this disciplined?! He’s not out here without a place of his own and no car walking around talking about other people, he's got his shit together. I don’t know what the universe is doing, but if I were to be involved with someone younger, it would be this a person similar to this.

Another thing I notice, and let me know if you’ve had this experience or picked up on this too, I notice that there is a difference with younger women dating older men and younger men dating older women. With the younger women, they are more willing to change themselves, their values, their routines, their behaviors to fit the older man or to appease him…I’ve witnessed this first hand so I know I am on to something here, talking about “I don’t go out that much anymore” — 😒 Girl, you’re still a kid, you’re supposed to go out and play. You may be fooling that older man, but you ain’t fooling me. But with the younger men, they do not change much of themself. The main difference with them is they are more aware that older women have experienced more things in life so these younger guys are more willing to listen and try to understand an older woman. I like that. 👍🏽

Now with acts of service, I feel like that brings so much value to my life. If you are doing things that make my day go by easier, I don’t know if I can keep myself from not loving you. And it’s not just gentlemanly things like walking me to my door or checking on me, it’s asking if I need something from the store before you come over or offering to cook me dinner and cleaning the dishes after, even if I refuse (because independent women have gotten used doing things on our own), you still know that is something I admire from a man, even if he’s just a friend. I’ve have plenty of platonic friends who do things for me that make my days better and I absolutely love them for it. Like offer to water my plants if I am going to be out of town for a long period of time, little simple things like that I find value with. 🥰

You Don't Like Complex

December 21, 2022

Happy Tip: Any time you are sad, give yourself time to be sad, but try not to dwell too long, sadness can cripple you (sometimes when I'm sad, I won’t leave my house for days and not want to be around people, but I have to remind myself, life is still moving and I need to move too). Learn to groove into other emotions by switching to happier topics or thinking of things that boost your energy and serotonin levels.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Artist: Giulia Rosa (I love this artist’s expressions of love and sex)

You ladies have voiced a lot of your grievances about men over the years. Men do not see their own bullsh*t sometimes. And they always try to make excuses for lacking. I came up with a simple message for men who think they are adequate…I know some of the men are going to dislike this, but hear us out:

You do not like someone with baggage, who maybe has previous trauma, children or a career that will get in the way of giving all her attention to you. You want someone to always be available for you, but want her to understand when you cannot be available for her. You don’t want someone who is complex because then you will feel pressured to think and do things that you are not capable of doing. You think you want a strong woman, but when her strength challenges your abilities, you create barriers against her and try to make her seem like the problem. You like the idea of her, but you have not dug into your own flaws and setbacks to realize that you are not ready for everything she comes with. She doesn’t need you to be perfect, she just wants you stand by her and face the world with optimism, determination, prosperity, and love for her.

We have to be honest with ourselves and what we can handle right now, but don’t think that any involvement you have with anyone isn’t going to get difficult. What is more important is how you handle the difficulties; you either face them or run from them. And no matter what decision you make…every action has an equal or opposite reaction.

To the men who are single, live your best single life, but keep this in mind…if there is a woman around you who is of a certain stature and you do things that makes her think a little differently of you, she isn't going to automatically forget her image of you just because you tell her it’s not what it looks like or its not what it seems. This is the difference between a man who is cognizant and a man who isn't self aware. Behave how you believe yourself to be. I know that may be lost to some of you. — Let’s say you and I are friends and you tell me you don't go out often and don’t like to be out all night, but every other weekend you’re out partying it up. Huh? Or if you tell me you don’t have anything going on with someone, but I happen to see you getting very cozy with someone, how am I supposed to think of that? Either you are with someone, starting something with someone, or you just let anyone get cozy with you.

Hey, I'm single and I hang out and I meet people, but I’m still aware of how things could be perceived by the people around me. Even when I step out to my favorite places, most of the people know my face so I am not going to get affectionate with anyone I am not sleeping with or who I do not know very well. I’m not going to put my arm around anyone or press my body against them or act in a suggestive way with them. - Now I told you I hung out with one of my guy friends before Thanksgiving, right? Remember, I barely see him, but we catch up like once a year and when we were hanging out, we went to the place he usually goes to and throughout the evening he did keep hugging me and kissed my head a few times, but the way he did it was more like, this is my friend, I have love for her and I am enjoying her company. His behavior wasn’t inappropriate at all. So say if there was another guy hanging out with us who was interested in me, he would not think there was anything going on between my friend and I because of how we both conducted ourselves.

If you like a woman, don't give her the impression you're interested in someone else. Don’t act like a man who seems to share himself with everybody, that is not appealing. I don’t want what everyone else has or can have. But if you like ME, do small things like asking how I am, or what my weekend plans are, get into what I’m saying, or better yet make a point to see me and be the man you believe yourself to be. I know I’ve said before that I don't like not knowing where I stand with a man, YOU ARE THE MAN, set the tone for this otherwise I’m just going to chalk it up as you're not interested or I'm not your type.

Here’s a quick story. The big radio station in Philadelphia is “Power99”. And years ago Wendy Williams had a syndicated radio show. You may know Wendy as the talk show host, but I remember her from her radio days and I actually like her more then. I didn’t really watch her talk show that much, but when she was on the radio, I tuned in everyday! One time, Andre Benjamin was on her show, he’s also known as Andre 3000 or the other half of Outkast. Around that time he already had a son with Erykah Badu, but he told the story of how Common (who was just starting to become known) came to him and let him know that he and Erykah started seeing each other. And I think it was a bit of commotion because Andre and Erykah were still somewhat involved. But as Andre was telling the story, he was very clam, cool, and collected, it did not sound like there was animosity, he almost seem like he was appreciative that Common came to him to let him know that he didn’t mean any disrespect, he just wanted it to be known that he started seeing Erykah. I remember listening to this and thinking highly of both men and identifying the uncommon qualities that not all men possess, like being a man of honor. Again this was many years ago so you can just image how my views of good men have evolved.

Now of course I was only hearing one side of the story, I don’t know Common’s or Erykah’s point of view, but I felt like it was so mature of both men to discuss it with each other and I never heard of the two of them having an issue with each other. And if what Andre said was true then Common didn’t push Erykah to talk to him. He decided to do it. And I cannot think that Andre be the type of man to have resentment towards the mother of his child or a man who just wants to clear the air. He has always presented himself as being very laid back and reserved (I feel like Andre would be good friend to have). I even read one time that when Outkast started getting all their hype and recognition, he didn’t get into the loud lifestyle of alcohol, women, and overly gaudy spending. He’s also been said not to entertain groupies or like the attention of any pretty face and he lives a lowkey life. I love that about a man. Especially the men who are able to discipline themselves when there is a bevy to gorgeous women at their disposal. Just because a pretty girl is willing to give it up to you, doesn’t mean you should give into it.

And guys, I think this is where many women have their concerns, don’t be a man who is open to anyone, be a man who is selective and whom is mature enough to express yourself without deflecting, gaslighting, or insulting a woman…especially not with the woman you are interested in. — Please don’t shoot the messenger. Be safe out there.

Identifying Intimacy: A Lover's View

November 6, 2022

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. (2 parts)

We are in November, can you believe it? 2022 is almost over. I hope all of you got to do everything you wanted to this year. For me this year was kind of like a transformation and repurpose year because last year was my pain year due to things I had to undergo and force me to reshift my focus and rebalance a few things. This year was good, I got another degree in May which is also my birthday month so I have a great celebration. Then in August I decided to go back into school and work on a doctorate’s degree. So yeah, this year has been a hustle and there’s 2 more months left, so there’s not telling what more could happen. I’m not a zodiac or horoscope type of person, but I do believe in the magic of the universe and people. I believe that energies connect with one another whether positive or negative and become something bigger.

I just learned that on November 8th there is going to be a Full Moon Lunar eclipse, and the next one won’t happen for another 3 years. With this eclipse, I read that spiritually, it is about ending cycles, and letting go of pain and bad habits. Well why would you want to hold on to those things anyway? Those are heavy to carry. It’s also about getting out of your comfort zones, speaking your truths and feelings, having new insights, opening your eyes to transformation…wait, didn’t I just say this year as my transformational year? And the eclipse is in Taurus ♉️ during the time of Scorpio ♏️, which I do not know what that exactly means, but my birth sign is Taurus, and both Taurus and Scorpio people will be most affected by this eclipse. For fun I added some other details about the eclipse and it’s spiritual elements. 💫

WARNING: This is going to sound like a sappy romance novel which is funny because that's one of genres that I least like to read. And many times in those stories the two people who surprise each other are the ones who either didn't get along or disputed too much or didn't really open their eyes to each other in the beginning. I don't believe there’s a current man in my life whose able to surprise me. I could be wrong, I’ve been wrong before.

I kind of want to be chased, pursued, but men don’t do that anymore these days. They expect the woman to make the first moves. I wasn’t raised like that. I hate this younger social media generation that has changed the dynamics of relationships and love. It’s like the most basic actions like a guy opening the door for you or paying the restaurant tab, or just texting you to say good morning is seen a elite behavior when really, it’s just being a decent man. I’ll just say it, these girls today set the bar very low for these men and woman like me are not impressed. 😒

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll keep saying it: I value intimacy. I love creating a connection with someone, I think when 2 people just breathe in each other, it’s a beautiful euphoria. I value someone who wants to know me on a deeper level and not just what I like to do for fun. Someone who knows that I like the wing flats and saves me some. Someone who says, “No, she is not like that.” when my name is brought up in conversations and he affirms that he really knows me. It’s not just having conversations, it’s seeing me in my all my elements. I want to be special to him, not just someone who is only special on certain days. I want someone to say, “Hey I’m heading to a place you should come.” It doesn't have to be a lot because to me, the little things matter. Like giving me compliments, kissing my forehead, holding my hand, walking me to my door. Someone who chooses me while we’re in this together however long it lasts, and doesn't mind letting other women know I’m important to him. 😘

I want a lover. I like that term, “Lover”, it can mean so many things, but it’s the idea of two people making the most of every moment they are around each other and this may just sound like a good friendship and initially, that is what it is, a friendship with extra care and passion. Just like how you would take care of a plant or maintain your car, you have to cultivate the love. When I say “love” I'm not meaning it in the way couples may use it, I’m referring to it as a feeling of freedom and happiness. And the great thing about having a lover is that sometimes lovers are not forever, sometimes they are temporary and temporary can be any timeframe. A healthy distraction from work and school may be good for me, but with the way I’m going I can’t say how realistic that could be.

I don’t want a marriage, I want a romance. You see, you can love many people in your life and be with many people and each of them is different, right? So I want to have an experience that I've never had before. I want him to hold me like no man has ever before. And I want him to look at me and be so proud to even know me, let alone be able to have me. I want him to smile when he sees me walk into a room or when my name pops up on his phone.

I don’t want us to fit into the world around us, but rather the world be intrigued by us, because we refuse to conform to what is considered normal. Intimacy isn't just sex, it’s the actions of compassion. A homie, lover, friend, that’s what each of us should have…in one person. 🥰

Stay Unbroken

August 25, 2022

NEW - Don’t feel like reading? Listen to the audio instead. 🔊

DISCLAIMER: This post is just for laughs. Please do not take any content seriously.

Ladies, here are sure fire ways to keep from getting your heart broken.

Shirt is from a Woman Owned Small Business in Philadelphia, PA - forthejawns.com

If he sends you a text message and you instantly start smiling when you see his name, ABORT MISSION and BLOCK HIM! Those are feelings coming to surface and you don’t have time for feelings! 🙃
If he asks you to come hang out with just him, DON’T DO IT!! It's a trap. You'll end up having a good time, you’ll start liking his company and then when he’s not available, you’re going to wonder if he’s out with another heffa. 😳
If he comments on how soft your skin looks, GIRL JUST WALK AWAY and don’t let him touch nothing on you! 🚫
If he calls you Beautiful or uses other terms of endearment like Babe or Baby Girl, RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK! Those are ‘warming her up’ terms and we don’t need that nonsense!🏃🏽‍♀️
If he asks you about your day, DON’T RESPOND. He’s trying see where he can fit into that day. 👀
If he tells you to come over because he made dinner, STAY HOME! You’ll wake up the next morning wearing his t-shirt. 🥴
If he says, “You’re good people.” IT’S A MIND TRICK! What he’s really saying is that you probably are good at keeping secrets and not telling people you’re fooling around so he can tell people nothing is going on between you two. 😵‍💫
If you catch him looking at you and doesn’t say anything ACT STUPID like you didn’t notice him lusting on you because if you engage in whatever he is thinking about you’ll be undoing your bra strap for him later than night! 🙈
If he asks you, “Why are you running from me?” when you keep ducking his advances, that’s him trying to smoothly assert his dominance and ladies we all do get a weakness for those dominate men. DON’T FALL FOR IT! 😵
If you need some handy work done around the house and he offers to come over to help, B*TCH CALL A HANDY MAN and let that man stay his ass home. If he comes over to start fixing things, he’ll make his way to fixing you! 🙉

Again this is just for laughs. At the end of the day, you are in control of who gets in your bed or whose bed you wake up in. And honestly, all those things above sound appealing, but I am not open to having anyone play with my time and my emotions. I give too much for someone not to give the same back. I recall someone said to me, “It’s always all about YOU.” — I had to really pause on that and try to reflect back on anytime I DIDN’T compromise or make adjustments to make THAT person more comfortable, but yet I guess it wasn’t good enough since they tried to gaslight me like their action were always justified…which they weren’t. That statement really bothered me and hurt my feelings, but it was a while ago and water under the bridge now. That person obviously didn’t pay attention to who I am and most likely didn't value me, but ironically only thought about what they wanted from me.

Moving on. Again, you are in control of who you entertain. There is no perfect person which means there is no perfect relationship or connection. And on a serious note, if you look passed the red flags or lower your standards below your comfort levels for someone, you're really opening yourself to be hurt. Although, pain does teach us valuable lessons. Have fun, but be mindful.

A Few Good Men

July 26, 2022

I need to brag on some of my male friends. There is only a handful of them who have no ulterior motives when I hang out with them. I don’t speak with them all the time, may once a week, maybe every few months, or maybe only once a year, but anytime I am around them, I feel loved, supported and protected. 😊

They make me feel very comfortable and respectfully correct me or challenge me to think beyond my emotions. But one of the best things I love about them is that they always make me feel great about myself. No, I never had an intimate relationship with any of them and none of them have seen me in an inappropriate way. *There was one evening recently when I was out with a few of them celebrating a birthday and my low cut dress kept having a mind of its own and trying to show my areolas (see photo, that's the look I was wearing). A couple of the guys delicately fixed my dress throughout the night. Yes, their hands graced my breasts and maybe a nipple, but it wasn’t in a way where I felt fondled, offended, or uncomfortable; in other words their hands didn’t linger on me.

And anytime I’m out drinking with them, they always offer to either get me a hotel room, welcome their home to me, or find a way to get me home safely. Even though I always decline their offers, I love their warmth towards me and how they look out for me. There are only a select few people who I feel safe around when I am drinking a lot, hence why I don’t drink with too many folks.

All of these men are highly attractive and are established well in life; most of them are married or in serious relationship and many of you know my stance on taken men (not the way I move). As for the single ones, there's a line I won't cross due to other factors on top of my personal values.

When you have men who genuinely care about you and who don't take advantage of your friendship with them, you start to learn a different version of love and understanding. Through these amazing male friends of mine, I've learned another level of patience, empathy, and ambition. Plus, they encourage me to keep my options open as a single woman and want me to have a partner who equally values me just as much as I value him.

For instance, I’m sure they would not want me invested in someone who spends intimate time with me, but then turns around and invites another woman to the movies or the bowling alley and when someone mistakenly mentions it to me and I ask about it, I get this line, “Oh, it was nothing like that.” — Sure Fam. Somehow she just guessed you were going to be there and expected you to take her home afterwards. Yeah ok, go ahead and exit stage left because your act is redundant. *(If you’re going to do fck boy things, then do fck boy things around people who don’t know me or who know the code of propriety with two people who are sleeping together). You can enjoy yourself, but make sure to not let anything questionable get back to me.

I would not have any issues introducing my guy friends to someone I’m involved with and I don't doubt that they'll let me know if someone isn’t for me or if someone is playing foolish games with me. I fully believe they want me to be happy and want to see me thrive in life just as much as I want the same for them. There is really not enough words in the world to fully explain my appreciation for these guys; I am blessed to have them.

*Either that or it’s these new natural body oils I’ve been using that’s keeping *everything* healthy.

Building Barriers

July 19, 2022

It is said that you carry pain from previous relationships and that your ex-partners encouraged the walls you now have up. I find this to be very true with every man I have been involved with. I loved them all differently. I willingly loved them and wanted to keep loving them, but they ended up draining me and I couldn’t give in anymore.

When you love someone or deeply like someone, you’re decisions can become compromised and complicated. You are not wrong for wanting to show that you love someone, you just have to be careful with how much you are giving vs. what you are receiving back. My default is that I am naturally a giver. I’m loving, I’m supportive, I’m there for you; I tend to care too much which leads to my flaw…I extend myself too much until I’m overreaching my limit. Then I’m upset, disappointed, and heartbroken. In time I’m back to finding myself opening up to take the risk again. — Everything is a risk especially when it involves the heart. Sometimes things need to be broken to know what barriers you still need to put up, keep up, or take down.

Each time I let down some walls, I was taught a lesson and yes, sometimes the lessons made me build more barriers and raise my standards. — That’s just part of protecting yourself and giving yourself time to heal and reflect…if we do not give ourselves this needed time, we can develop damaging behaviors that affect anyone we get involved with too soon. It is not unusual to go through this cycle many times in our lives depending on how proactive we are with relationships. There are people who are serial daters, constantly with a partner; then there are those like me who rarely get involved with anyone. Everyone was their own pace and reasons for companionship, I just advise everyone to be sure you are ready and willing to make adjustments and compromises to your comfort zones, including your barriers or walls.

With one of my biggest lessons, I cannot see myself getting too close to a man who shows himself to be fickle with me. — One moment very interested, the next moment acts like I’m an afterthought and has other woman all over him right in front of me. I have written about this a few years ago…A MAN SETS THE TONE with how a relationship proceeds or derails. I’m not suck in the old world, but a man is to be the leader, leading his home, his family, and his partner. Yet, not all leaders are great leaders. Bad leaders are dictators and do not take into account anyone else’s input. In today’s atmosphere it is highly regarded for a man to have a bevy of women around him. Although, that let’s me know he probably doesn’t value intimacy or at least in the same sense that I do (I wrote about this previously too). — OR that his mind is so sparsely divided that he cannot focus on giving one woman attention. I’m not a child; I have kids, responsibilities, and my own daily agenda, so I don’t need all of your attention or even a lot of attention, but I do appreciate it when a man is making time for me and thinks of me often.

I’m not naïve, men have their fun how they have their fun when they go out, but if your special lady is out with you too there is a protocol of how NOT to act with other women. The woman you should be walking to her car, driving her home, or checking on periodically is the woman you are sleeping with. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Men have to restrict their chivalry and friendliness towards other women when they are involved. It also let’s the other women know their limitations with him. I only say this because I restrict how I am with other men when I am sleeping with someone. But if you or the person don’t care about conserving each other’s thoughts or feeling then I guess Let your hoe flag fly. (Even the married men I know are firm on their restrictions with what they allow themselves to do and what they allow the other women to do. — I don’t condone it, but I respect it.)

Again, I am not naïve, but I’m always paying attention. If I keep noticing a man doing certain things in front of me, I’m not unjustified to asking questions, “Why is she holding on to you like that?”, “Why do you keep wanting to drive her home?”, “Why do you keep finding a way to be next to her or alone with her?”, — it’s one thing if the woman is an equally mutual friend and I am with you as you are making these gestures and you are not blocking me out, but it’s another thing if the answers I’m getting are brushing me off or gaslighting me. That’s not going to ease my mind about the subject and my attitude towards you can become worse. On top of that, if I hear about you telling people that’s there is nothing between us or saying you aren’t interested in me at all, it will just trigger the, “Go on and do what you want” response from me and put me on alert with anything you say and do moving forward and eventually I’ll detach if I keep feeling slighted and I won’t be asking anymore questions from here on out. — My feelings are involved too, not just yours. The moment you start revealing a part of yourself that is not cohesive with what you say to me then in that same moment you begin to lose me. It may take me a while to walk away, but once I do I’m just going to keep getting better because someone not treating me right is a character flaw of theirs, not mine and the award they receive is that they’ll never be able to get me like they used to. I’m not one of those women who needs closure…it is what it is.

On a last note: I love it when people pay attention to who I am…

Person 1: I think Raya is fooling with someone.

Person 2: Nah, I know how she is and she’s not. (This right here is my Person 🙂)

Two Sides to a Coin

May 8, 2022

Two thoughts…..

People notice what they’ve done, but do not acknowledge when others do the same.
People notice what others do, but do not acknowledge when they do the same.

The first one I think can be regarded when people do something in consideration for others like sending thoughtful messages or doing things that makes someone else’s life a little more pleasing. In a domestic sense, we can even say doing household chores without being asked is something we notice when we do it, but do not very much acknowledge it when others do it. The second one could be regarded when people do things we don’t like, but we do not acknowledge it when we do things others do not like. For instance when we notice people being argumentative, but when we are doing the same we justify it as “trying to make a point”. It’s easier for us to point out what we do not like about others, but fail to notice our own flaws. I know we are all guilty of this.

None of us ever likes to admit our faults, but if we are expecting others to admit theirs shouldn’t we lead by example? Yet, then again this goes back to thought #1. It’s a human cycle of underlying selfishness that we don’t like to think about, but the reality is, we subconsciously want people to make us comfortable without always considering how to make others comfortable because that would mean making ourselves uncomfortable — and not everyone is willing to do that.

Just think on it, your relationships with others, how many of them were you willing to adjust your comfort levels for? Why? And did or do those people adjust their comfort levels for you or have you even noticed?

I have a bad habit of saying everything is fine when it’s not and I know I’m not the only one who does this. — This is me not wanting to ask people to make themselves uncomfortable in order to make me comfortable. When someone tells me, “Let me prove it to you” in an attempt to convince me of a changed mindset or behavior, I tend to automatically respond, “No, it’s fine.” or “You don’t have to do that.”, when really, YES, I want you to prove it to me. YES, I want to see a change. I am more forgiving when I see a difference in someone that shows they are aware of what went awry and have decided to implement nuanced manners. Although, I also notice when people make no attempts of change. Ultimately, we just want to be happy without having to do too much and when we do too much we can become unhappy because we feel others aren't doing the same or don’t notice all of what we are doing.

On another note, I graduated…again. It’s always a great feeling when you reach a new goal and new level in life and an even greater feeling when people show their love and support for you.

Thank you to all those who reached out to me in celebration. You have no idea what that means to me and how grateful I am. The majority of you don't even know me personally, but have found camaraderie with me through all these many words that sometimes make sense and invoke intrinsic thoughts and other times just…is. — That's what I love about this.

*This is a fallacy. Men don’t do this anymore. They expect you to come find them. They have unlearned all the great things of chivalry and dominance and have learned to behave more like women. I thought men were supposed to be the strong confident ones who pursue a woman. But I guess there are so many women who make easy for men to do so little that they don’t feel they should make much of an effort. -- That’s not a man for me.

Don't Give Everyone Access: PT 2

March 4, 2022

First, A Reader Question: “Would you swap your current age to be in your 20s again?”

Me: Absolutely not. My 20s were great. It holds many reasons why I make the decisions I make today. Not everything in my 20s was all rainbows and sunshine, it was the dark days that remind me how I got through some tough battles. Even with my trials now, I have to keep telling myself,

What was yesterday is yesterday. You can carry it into today, but remember, what you keep carrying from each day puts more weight on you. We have to learn to process and talk about pain to let it go.

On to the topic….

This post from July 2020 for some reason keeps getting searched and it has the most views out of all my posts and I am not sure why? I’ve not written anything Noble Prize worthy, just an idea that not everyone should have all privileges to you, whether it be friend, family, or partner.

It is also a bit of a coincidence that this post is most popular because it fits my current mindset even more than previously. There are elements around me that I’m unsure of and I am taking my time to observe it all to decided what is right for me right now. You see the thing is, what you decide today may not be what you decide tomorrow. Everyday the mind changes, the heart changes, our needs change and we decide on what is best for us even it just in the moment. I may decide to give someone access to me this week and next week, I want to be left alone. — No, it may not be fair to the other person, in which case I still have to be aware of the decisions I make and how it may affect others.

Full post below.

Let’s talk a moment.

Let’s agree that not everyone is deserving to be around you. That doesn’t mean shutting people out completely, but rather being aware that there are people who are not for you and just want to take from you…

Your energy
Your confidence
Your hard work
Your finances
Your rewards
YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We all have an intuition and all of our intuitions tell us when someone is not right for us. Many of us do ignore this because we want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us.

Although, we have to accept that sometimes it takes people longer to be the best version of them and maybe they are the best they can be at this time, but that doesn’t mean you have to fully welcome them in your life. People can go through metamorphosis at any age, sometimes more than once. Love and care at a distance. You can still have a good heart and not fall victim to someone else’s demons.

Years ago a friend and I fell out for reasons that are no longer important, we were at different places in our lives. Later on, he ended up getting very sick and a mutual friend called me to let me know what was going on. I hopped on the first flight out to see about my sick friend. We didn’t talk about why we stopped speaking to each other, we just carried on and caught up on the missed time and learned about the growth we both went through.
- We needed to deny access to one another in order create different paths for ourselves and we became better friends after it because we became more willing to listen and understand each other better…and our fall out wasn’t a “be all, end all” we still had an abundance of love for each other. This doesn’t mean all relationships that dissolve will come back together, it just means that sometimes the difference between two people is the distance that needs to be had and what becomes of it afterwards depends on the pivotal points in your life.

I’ve said this many of times before, I want my peace more than I want attention. — I’m so comfortable with myself that I refuse to allow someone to destroy what I’ve created. Or exhaust my warmth to someone who won’t reciprocate my affections.

Many of us get into relationships (platonic or romantic) and make compromises which is expected, but when those compromises start to turn you into someone you don’t recognize, then there is a problem. LOVE is not folding every time just to make a person feel more comfortable, stable, or secure. LOVE is understanding each other’s weakness and helping to make them stronger. If your weakness is an element of insecurity and your partner doesn’t help you overcome that, then you are either misunderstanding who your partner/friend is OR this person is not the partner/friend for you. Yes, sometimes you also have to deny yourself access to people.

Not everyone is capable to travel with you in life. You are not blocking blessings by keeping people out, you are protecting yourself from being drained by someone or people you are unsure of. YES, let them prove they can stand by you and with you. Some people are there temporarily, some are there for the lesson. Then there are some people who need more time to reach you, give them that time, but keep your focus forward. YOU are the decider of your well being. And yes, it’s hard to separate yourself if you are a giver, but you have to grip on to what keeps you at peace. You cannot give if you are depleted. I am meticulous with how much energy I give and to whom I give it to and I change the levels when necessary.

You can interact with many people and still not allow all of them access to the whole you.

I have at lease 5 different groups of friends, some from my past, some I met in passing, some I frequently see or interact with; all of them know a different part of me, some of them know a different version of me, but only a select few know all of me. — I made it that way.

I love and enjoy ALL of my friends and family, I appreciate that we are not the same. Each of them ignite different pieces of me, but I know all of them cannot, will not, or are not equipped to take the same road as me. It’s no one’s fault. It also wouldn’t be right of me to take (possibly carry) someone on a journey they are not ready for. Therefore, access to me remains selective and limited. I trust what I know about each person in my life…read that again.

Everyone doesn’t deserve access to you.

Man, A Woman's Best Friend

January 30, 2022

If you caught my first Vlog, lucky you because I took it down in less than 48 hours 🥴. I told you I'm not too comfortable talking on camera. I have a new found appreciation for YouTubers and Podcasters. And thank you to those who mentioned how I can't ever hide my accent, it's imbedded. For those of you who missed it, I included a summary at the very bottom.

So, let us talk more about this whole "boyfriend, not a boyfriend" thing. I'm just going to go ahead and call it a "bestfriend" because that's what makes the most sense to me. The concept is a woman has a guy bestfriend who supports her, loves her, is her shoulder to cry on, hangs out with her, and there is no sex involved. I tend to think this is not realistic because I believe the human brain begins to wonder when you get too close to someone, plus…men are…will always be men. In my video I mentioned I have male friends who I confide in and hang out with, but there are limitations such as, we don't speak every day and I don't tell them about everything in my life, and I only hang out with them on occasion, not every week. When I do hang out with my guy friends, I'm cognizant with what I do and say around them, because again, I have boundaries and if I'm not crossing them, you won't either.

Ideally, I would love to call up a guy and say, "Wake up loser, let's go get some coffee." (calling men offensive names is a weird love language for me) or telling him to come over because my garbage disposal isn’t working and I need him to come work his handyman magic because maintenance can’t come by today (this is actually my true life right now). OR when I am out drinking too much and he comes to rescue me from myself…this is not an endearing quality of mine, but I can get a little “too much” when I drink too much. Sorry. 😖 Just give me food and water and put me in the bed. I’m a responsible adult, but I get foolish sometimes. 😇

I still think a guy bestfriend would not work for me. Even my girl bestfriends know I don't like to be bothered too much, hell even people who don't know well know I get into my distant moods. With my personality, this "guy bestfriend" would have to be okay with being ignored a lot and talked sh*t too…a lot 🥴. Sometimes I say things without emotion or laughing, but I’m not serious, it’s just my dry humor and most people don’t understand or take offense. If you are sensitive, you cannot be my friend in any way.

With any male friend no matter how close we are, I'd still have lines you can't cross. Like, you can come over and raid my fridge, but you can't lay in my bed. We can share a blanket on the couch, but your feet can't touch me. And clothes must always be on your body, this ain't a Chippendales, keep your clothes on sir, even if you're taking a shower at my place, don't come out of the bathroom without decent attire on. You have to set parameters with men, no matter you're friendship with them. Because what if I get into a relationship, and this bestfriend comes out of the bathroom shirtless, am I telling my beau, "Oh this is my bestie" ??? I'm sure that will go well 😓. And it's the same for the guy, what if he gets into a relationship and tells his lady I'm his bestfriend?....Does your dad have a female bestfriend and what does your mom (his wife) say about it? (Assuming you have an example of a healthy relationship in your life).

Because even if I were a guy's bestfriend and he's in a relationship, at that point I'd have to understand the changes in our friendship to respect his girlfriend, no matter what I think of her. I think this is what many girls DON'T DO is take a back seat when their guy friend has a new lady is his life. It's like they think it's a competition? Why? Don’t treat me like a stranger or start acting funny around me when the girl is around, I don’t respect that dumb sh*t, still act like my friend, and if she has an issue with you doing that or she doesn’t like when I’m around, it’s a problem of hers not yours. There is a way for a man to still care about his female friends without taking it too far. But most men are so aloof on how to do that, it’s a bit disappointing because women can sense when something is off. I can’t explain it, it’s one of our powers, even with men I’m involved with, I can tell when he’s not being fully upfront with me. It’s a combination of tone, verbiage, body language, and lack of certain endearments.🔮

So when my guy friends are in relationships and he’s vocal about it, tells me about her, seems to be good for him, then I’m aware of her. I have a good guy friend, not a bestfriend, we call each other about once a month and we talk about various things, but I'm always considerate of his wife. — I don't keep him on the phone long, I don't call him at unreasonable hours, and I don't ask him to come hang out. But it's a little reversed for him because I'm single, he doesn't have to think about anyone's feelings if he calls passed a certain hour or asks me to come have drinks. — He can be considerate of Me and my time as a friend but that's about it.

But if my guy friend is dating someone and he is very vague about her, then I’m not really going to be to so open to her because he’s not giving me the vibe that he’s really into her long term. See, there is a science to noticing these things with men. If she’s legit, then I’m all for her. Females should be open to the thought that if it's the right woman for him, she's going to be around a long time even if they argue and split for a bit, if she's not, then he'll figure it out, hopefully sooner than later, and then you can tease him about his poor choices in women 😆. I don't believe in bashing other females, I do believe in calling out guys on their questionable tastes and it works both ways, he can tease me too, but don't let it go too far...I'm sensitive. 😁

It's one thing to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you put "best" in front of the word it puts a whole different meaning to it. So I don't know, I'm still a bit skeptical about this idea. Maybe I'm the weird one😕. Because if a guy is going to be this type of friend to me, he’s going to be my husband or my life long partner and there is going to be sex involved.

Summary of the Vlog:

Someone said I should get a boyfriend who is not a boyfriend, someone who supports me, is my cheerleader, someone I can lean on, and who loves my unconditionally. There is NO SEX involved, so this person is not a “f” buddy or friends with benefits, but rather this a is “coddle buddy” — a person you can go to about anything without judgement and will help you through your struggles. This person is similar to a best friend but more than that, it is no one you are related to, and will most likely someone you are already friends with. I don’t think this type of man is realistic, but I’m open to the thought.
When I was processing this information, I thought about all the guy friends I currently have, but there is not one person, male or female, that I call on for everything. Everyone gets different bits of information and conversation topics with me. The guy friends I have are great, but I don’t go to one person for everything. I would love to, but I don’t believe I am capable with sharing all of my secrets with just one person. I also do not cross the boundaries with my current guys friends or change the dynamics for several reason: because I don’t want to ruin the friendship, because of my loyalty to certain people, because of my morals/values, and because I just don’t think of them in that manner. My current guy friends fit my life just as they are and vice versa. A friend I grew up with is very protective of me so when I talk to him about certain things, he takes more of a big brother tone. My friend “C” is a great friend and there are many factors we value about our friendship and the limitations are right where they ought to be.
I am still limiting the comment because at least one person keeps leaving very rude comments towards someone I know and it does not matter what my status is with a person, I do not condone talking badly about people I am connected with. I feel like I am a good judge of people and everyone has their flaws, but anyone whom I have cared about or have shared time with is an imprint on life, so to talk about them is to talk about me and saying that I made a bad judgement of character. It does not matter what horrible things someone may say about someone I know, I will make my own opinions and decisions on that person because of what I have experienced with them, NOT because of someone else’s experience with them. I think if people say something enough, then you start to believe it, which can happen and has happened with me. — I hear the same things so often, I start to wonder if they are true or not. But I’m not just a loyal friend, I’m an overall loyal person in the sense that even if I am upset, confused, or angry about something, I am not going to tear you down behind your back and I’m not going to give anyone else ammunition to spin a story that may be even further from the truth. That’s who I am.
Until the comments are better handled, you can send your messages through the CONTACT ME link.

Gaslighting

May 1, 2021

In one form or another we probably possess a toxic trait. Mine - Being passive aggressive and condescending when I’m annoyed, initiated or upset.

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By definition GASLIGHTING is a technique that undermines your entire perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, you often second-guess yourself, your memories, and your perceptions. After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you are left feeling dazed and wondering what is wrong with you. It's a form of manipulation.

I’m not sure if I would call it a technique since most people don’t realize when they are doing it because in their minds they are just trying to defend themselves and in the process also being dismissive of someone else's opinions and feelings. It happens more often than we realize and occurs with all types of relationships we harbor. We see it happen most commonly in romantic relationships.

Here's My Thoughts: Don’t get upset because I’m upset. Hear why I’m upset and let's come up with a solution that works for both of us. Don’t tell me I’m overreacting or that I’m being crazy, acknowledge my frustration especially if you want me to acknowledge yours. Talk to me. Don’t push me to the side to let me stew in my own boiling pot of confusion. Don’t think that “I’m supposed to know better.” Apparently, whatever you are doing or continuing to do keeps me feeling the way I do, so if you give me the excuse of “This is just who I am.” that’s just a scapegoat of you not wanting to be challenged to be a better communicator, a better friend, a better lover…a better you.

If we are in a disagreement, we may use aggressive tones or say things out of term. — A little tidbit about myself: If you are going to go off on me no matter what tone you use, know that I talk back. And I’m not afraid of aggression, sometimes that's the only way I’ll listen (another unhealthy characteristic of mine), and if that is how you feel you need to get things across to me, then also know that you will need to coddle me afterwards…

Lamens Terms, “If you're going to talk to me crazy, then you better love on me after.” Don’t leave me alone because then I’m going to think you’ve given up.

I’ve once said, monsters don’t scare me, people do. Which means you can never know what a person is thinking or capable of, whether you are important to them or is it just a phase and they are filling some type of void before moving on. What I don’t like is inconsistency. If there is a lapse in how you speak to me and how to act around me and you’ve not given me any form of explanation, that's when my mind begins to wonder and I’ll start asking questions. If you gaslight me, it only makes matters worse.

Loyalty

April 12, 2021

I believe loyalty is a characteristic trait that not everyone possesses, but I also believe it is a habit that can be learned. I’m loyal to a default, not sure if I should consider it a character flaw, bad/good habit or strength. For instance, for many years I was loyal to the father of my children, not only in the sense that I did not get involved with someone else while we were together but also, I didn't talk about our issues to anyone or speak badly about him to anyone. Now, when we were nearing the end of our union, I did reveal why I had enough but, I still did not speak down about him and even now, there many incidences where I don’t speak ill about my ex. Maybe I give more people credit than they deserve but, isn’t that just an act of kindness? Is this a character flaw? Or bad habits I need to break?

I think for some people, when you care deeply or share significant experiences and emotions with a person, you don't want to do or say anything that may hurt them…even if they've hurt you. — Maybe this is being naïve.

Different acts of loyalty can be mental or physical. I consider both to be just as important as the other. Remember how I discussed not giving everyone access to you in several previous posts? Well, part of that is being loyal to yourself and upholding the standards you've set and another part (if applicable) is being loyal to the people or a person you do give special access to.

Friends who have known me for 20+ plus years know they can entrust in me any secrets, express pain, or just vent and nothing they've said to me will be shared. It’s the same with friendships I’ve recently made. It gives me a sense of security and satisfaction knowing people can trust me with certain pieces of themselves or their lives. — Stay quiet when it is necessary and speak when it’s comfortable.

Sadly, there are those who take advantage of a person’s loyal nature because they feel that there's always a chance of forgiveness and redemption. Not always the case and I wouldn't rely too heavily on mishandling people who are always on your side. — There's a limit.

People who are loyal maybe care a little too much about many things for endless reasons. It is a certain barrier of protection you should have for yourself and those you like/love…that's loyalty.

For those whom are intimately involved with someone, loyalty can have different definitions. Loyal with your words, loyal with your actions. Everyone’s relationship or situationship is set up differently. I don’t believe in dating multiple people…whatever you consider the term “dating” to mean. And there are people who will argue that if you are not in an actual monogamous relationship, there is no reason to behave as if you are or be loyal to that person…here’s my opinion…Whether casual or consciously committed, if I allow you into my bed, that’s it, you are the only one I’m sharing that with and you are the only one who is allowed special/specific treatment from me. It will stay that way until we have a discussion of severing that tie. And lets not forget, there are still such things as STDs, not to mention the possibility of unexpected pregnancies…not me though, y’all be safe 😁 (So, play around with people’s lives if you want to.) I also do not believe in entering someone’s life knowingly being a disruption or not having and practicing good intentions. — If you are going to come into my life and then be regressive, you can exit the same way you entered…bitch be excited about me like you just met me, just kidding, maybe. 😊

The Wall

January 23, 2021

For the most part I prefer for my private life to stay relatively quiet, mainly because I believe that everyone should not be privy to your personal business. Although, I know that we all may face similar situations and sharing the surface details may help others to access their own scenarios.

So let’s talk about this barrier that we put around ourselves to protect us from pain and disappointment. Trust is a personal process and it takes time mixed in with a conscious effort.

The Interest in my life and I have had a few discussions relating to this topic. We seem to always come to an impasse on how we behave or react the way we do towards each other in different scenarios (our communication is good but, it is not always translated how we intend it). I honestly believe we trust what we see in each other but, I also believe there is still much we do not know about each other. We have come down from the high of being reintroduced into one another’s lives again and the reality of us: who we are to each other, where we are, where we want to be, what we are doing, and how much information we want to share with people we know is something we are carefully navigating through. I cannot compare him to anyone else I have been involved with because our origin story was somewhat fortuitous, although I do not want us to revert back into what we were comfortable doing before, I am anticipating this direction to be more substantial. I also do not ask much about his history with previous relationships because I do not want it to linger in the back of my mind. — Ladies and Gentleman, it will drive you crazy trying to piece together who is who, why they stopped seeing each other, how serious they were, what all they did together, how much they loved each other, if they still keep in contact, if they still think of each other, etc. — It is normal to wonder if someone’s history haunts them or if someone might let their history resurface...because then, where does that leave you?

Some people believe that you should know about someone’s past to understand who they are now…well, I partially agree. I am more convinced that you should experience someone’s current state of mind without trying to dig too much into their past or what they are willing to share with you. Be open with who a person is now as opposed to who they may have been before…remember, people do evolve and change.

The Interest and I are openly respectful of each other’s time and space but, there are times I think we probably could be more…eager with one another? Or maybe even more open. Sometimes I feel we can be at a stalemate with definitely wanting to be involved, but not too involved, and not less involved…in the sense of not getting too far ahead of ourselves. There is no doubt that we care very much for one another even when we don't say it. It’s hard to explain our connection without going into details and we all know I'm not going to do that. I think at times we forget that we are also friends and leave out elements that make a friendship a friendship. Describing him is almost like describing myself. There are a few characteristics we share that I cannot be upset with him about because I am the same way for example, I often feel he goes too long without saying anything to me but, I do that too, so how upset can I really get? Although, I also think he uses my nonchalance against me in order to justify his actions sometimes. We both have built our lives to accommodate us individually and managing our own selves to include someone else can be a challenge. Plus, we don’t want to force anything onto one another and cause disruption in each other’s lives. But then you see affirmations that encourage people to be pushed out of their comfort zones in order to achieve something greater for instance there is a saying: To want different, you have to do different.” and you think…Am I or are we being too careful that it’s causing this to be theoretical?

No one wants to be hurt and we too often condition ourselves to think or act in a way to keep people at a safe distance from us. I’ve gotten into a bad habit of joking with him about him being “a man about town”…psychologically, it’s a defense mechanism to prepare myself of…well, I really don’t know actually. I don’t know what I'm afraid of with him. In the past, it was easier for me to avoid and block out anyone who I felt was getting too close to me or if someone was getting too complicated for my comfort…I’d run but, where has that lead me? As confident as I am and as confident as he is, there's still that black hole of doubt and hesitation. I hate that black hole but, it doesn't just go away on its own. — He makes similar comments to me about being a scandalous woman, at times I laugh, other times I do get a little bothered by it because that's not who I am, what I show him, or what I express to him. I am a woman who can be friendly with every man but, not just any man can get close to me or can say that he knows details of my personal attributes. He is very aware that I get attention easily but, I’m never sure if that influences him to think that I don’t place him at high regards. I have a certain tunnel vision when I am interested in someone; I don’t try to fill a void with other suitors, gallivant myself for attention, or rest myself in someone else's arms.

I’m learning things about myself through my experiences with the Interest. I’m learning to be more self aware of my feelings and how I express those feelings. We are both a bit distant by nature so I have to realize when I’m being so distant that I am disconnecting from him. I am also learning to give him grace just as much as I give myself grace because I know how headstrong I can be when I’m stern on a topic. When I think of him, I think he is a man of certain discipline, pride, accountability, maturity — a man who has lived, has aged well, is experienced, and who is now more grounded in life and doesn’t have the patience to entertain lack of substance and miniscule efforts of attention. But then I also think, He’s still a MAN, still capable of being weak to temptations, getting excited over any woman batting her eyes at him, watering down truths, and fully possible of being disappointing. — That’s my wall, remember I said I hate the black hole? Well, here it is. Just being a man sends my mind a wave of caveats. Why?…Well, men and women don't always speak the same language so more times than not, we misunderstand each other, it’s a universal qualm. And the fact that I’m more reasonable than most women creates a concern that my laidback quality could be taken advantage of.

Sidebar: A while ago, a good friend once asked me what it would take for me to think differently of men…or just at least a man. My response, “I just want to be impressed.” - How hard is that? How hard is it to listen to someone’s likes and actually deliver on some of it? Not all the time but, pleasant surprises every now and then to catch me off guard and raise the bar. Because of what I can do for myself, I do not get impressed too easily and most men think, “If she can do it herself, why do I need to do it?” — No fellas, that’s not how you should look at it. Don’t worry about how other people might think of you, worry about how happy you can make her. Showing a woman you care for her is an admirable quality (sorry if women in your past took advantage of that or didn’t appreciate it but, don’t let that keep you from being the best man you can be for someone deserving of your affections). And don’t just be impressive in one category, be impressive in several. Be impressive in your behaviors in what you do around a woman and what you do or don’t do when you’re not around her. — Eh, I guess sometimes simple things are just too simple for simple minds.

The process of incorporating someone into your life isn’t as easy as people make it to be when you are still cautious because there can be a fear of losing yourself or allowing someone to influence too much of your life. It takes quality time, open conversations, and the willingness of revealing yourselves. You cannot expect someone’s guard to magically disappear over night especially if your still holding yours up. If you like one other, you’ll give each other enough grace for deeper admiration and understanding. There can’t be a thought of this is how am and this is how I’m going to stay. I made adjustments in my life in consideration of the Interest, some changes he knows of and some just for principle. — Walls only stay up if you don’t work to break them down.

….and remember Ladies, with anything, If he wanted to, he would.

Know your value to know that you want to be someone's REASON and not somone’s option.

Selfish Acts

November 24, 2020

I had a difficult time organizing my thoughts on this one. I didn’t want to make anyone feel “selfish” but I also didn’t want to avoid the notion that how we act can affect others.

At different times in our lives we go through transformations, when something changes our way of thinking also impacting our way of living. When we make these changes for ourselves, Is it being selfish?

A friend of many years whom is now engaged (about a year, after 4 years of dating) disclosed to me that he made an act of indiscretion. I didn’t judge him or tell him he was wrong. He did express to me that him and his fiancé have been rocky for a while and when the pandemic hit, things did not get much better for the pair. They seem to have been arguing about the same issues over and over again. When my friend confided in me, I said to him that maybe he needs to see what else is out there, just to be sure this is the person he wants to spend his future with. I wasn’t making those statements to go against his fiancé, but rather I wanted my friend to understand that he doesn’t need to go through the same headaches. I don’t deny that he loves his fiancé, but how healthy is a relationship if you are constantly arguing about the same things? — Sometimes we need to let go of things we’ve gotten used to because we overlook how poorly it’s affecting us. I want my friend to be happy, he deserves it, but I also don’t want him saying Yes to a marriage that may not be healthy for him long term.

Another friend of mine is a bit of a workhorse, long days, longer nights with very few hours of sleep. It’s hard to have conversations with him sometimes and I do most of the talking when we do converse. I can always tell when he is half listening because tiredness takes over his brain and he disengages. Honestly, it pains me to see him so depleted at times, I just want to send him off to a remote island so he can shut down and close his eyes, but knowing him, he’ll fight me on that and refuse to go. I even once told his brother how worried I was about him. I think by default it impairs his communication in his personal life because he doesn’t have the energy and that so many occurrences are happening businesswise that he is unable to equally balance his relationships outside of work. I don’t want to be so bold and say it impairs his judgement, but I’ve seen him not make so great decisions because his awareness was lacking. I’m sure he receives flack here and there from other friends and family members. Yet, in this regard, he is getting more value from his ventures than what is being drained from him, so I can empathize with his want to keep doing what he does. Whether his behaviors are selfish, right or wrong, he has to make that call on himself.

Even in my personal life, I sometimes have to step back and assess if what I am doing is healthy. If my life is being influenced by someone else, if my actions portray good behaviors that I want people to show on to me, if I am being patient enough with people, and if I am really walking a path that will bring me everything I want for myself. I know my pride and my stubbornness interferes with how I act with people. Sometimes when I’m hurt, my pride won’t let me show it nor will it always let me admit when I’m wrong. I do try to make changes where I see fit. And sometimes those changes are disconnecting from people who no longer fit in my good space. You don’t have to keep everyone in your life and it’s not selfish if you cut ties. Some people are not meant to be with you long term, they are only there to show you what you need or don’t need. If you have been reading, then you will recall that earlier this year I walked away from an 8 year friendship because it was giving me more grief than peace. Instead of telling her that her choices were hindering how I think of her and how it was contradicting to what she was showing the world, I just let go. I didn’t give notice of my decision, I just stopped accepting calls and messages. It hurt to do it because she was one of the first friends I made when I relocated and also my best foodie friend, but it was necessary for me to realize what types of friends I want to keep in my life.

It’s not selfish to have standards. You have to set boundaries with friends and family and you definitely have to set boundaries with romantic relationships. It vexes me how some people resort to claiming that being in a meaningful relationship will solve a lot of problems and that you just have to let your guard down…WHY??? Time and time again people will tell me I am in danger of never getting into a serious relationship because I’m too head strong, I’m too smart, I’m too successful, I’m too determined, I’m too independent...blah, blah, blah.

First of all, what do any of those reasons have anything to do with being in a serious relationship? Because I have focus? Because I take care of myself? Because I don’t want to be a dumb woman? Because I don’t want to pass myself around or waste my time with men who don’t know what they want? This makes me ineligible to be in a meaningful relationship?
- SIDENOTE: I’ve been back and forth in a small town and one of the acquaintances I made said to me, “All they do out here is just sleep with each other and go on to the next one.” WHAT??!! Yeaaaa, let me continue to keep my standards up and be selfish with myself.
Secondly, I wouldn’t want to be with a man who is intimated with who I am, who doesn’t match my ambitions, and who doesn’t support my goals. I am not for the weak.

Yes, I agree that people should be willing to open up to one another so they can get closer, but let me remind you, I still stand firm on a the fact that MEN SET THE TONE in relationships, how he approaches a woman, how he courts her, how he continues to show his interest, and how he relays information to her. I’m not about to chase down any man…tf I look like doing that? I make time where I want to and there are people I give grace to and who I am more patient with, but I am still not going to alter my life for anyone who doesn’t meet me at least half way. — Selfish? Okay, I’ll take that.

You should be selfish with yourself, your space, your time, and your energy. YOU are the one who is living YOUR life, you are the one making choices for yourself. You are the one who know you the best. So, if you have to make a decision that may not be understood by others, it’s okay…I mean, don’t be an ass towards people, but definitely do things that are in your best interest.

Don't Give Everyone Access

July 28, 2020

😮 After almost 2 years, this is still the most viewed and searched post throughout my entire site. I hope those of you who keep coming back to this is finding something useful within my words.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Let’s talk a moment.

You know you are awesome, right? So let’s agree that not everyone is deserving to be around you. That doesn’t mean shutting people out completely, but rather being aware that there are people who are not for you and just want to take from you…

Your energy
Your confidence
Your hard work
Your finances
Your rewards
YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

Years ago a friend and I fell out for reasons that are no longer important, we were at different places in our lives. Later on, this person ended up getting very sick and a mutual friend called me to let me know what was going on. I hopped on the first flight out to see about my sick friend. We didn’t talk about why we stopped speaking to each other, we just carried on and caught up on the missed time and learned about the growth we both went through.
- We needed to deny access to one another in order create different paths for ourselves and we became better friends after it because we became more willing to listen and understand each other better…and our fall out wasn’t a “be all, end all” we still had an abundance of love for each other. This doesn’t mean all relationships that dissolve will come back together, it just means that sometimes the difference between two people is the distance that needs to be had and what becomes of it afterwards depends on the pivotal points in your life.

Many of us get into relationships (platonic or romantic) and make compromises which is expected, but when those compromises start to turn you into someone you don’t recognize, then there is a problem. LOVE is not folding every time just to make a person feel more comfortable, stable, or secure. LOVE is understanding each other’s weakness and helping to make them stronger. If your weakness is an element of insecurity and your partner doesn’t help you overcome that, then you are either misunderstanding who your partner/friend is OR this person is not the partner/friend for you. Yes, sometimes you also have to deny yourself access to people.

Not everyone is capable to travel with you in life. You are not blocking blessings by keeping people out, you are protecting yourself from being drained by someone or people you are unsure of. YES, let them prove they can stand by you and with you. Some people are there temporarily, some are there for the lesson. Then there are some people who need more time to reach you, give them that time, but keep your focus forward. YOU are the decider of your well being. And yes, it’s hard to separate yourself if you are a giver, but you have to grip on to what keeps you at peace. You cannot give if you are depleted. I am meticulous with how much energy I give and to whom I give it to and I change the levels when necessary.

You can interact with many people and still not allow all of them access to the whole you.

I have at lease 5 different groups of friends, some from my past, some I met in passing, some I frequently see or interact with; all of them know a different part of me, some of them know a different version of me, but only a select few know all of me. — I made it that way.

I love and enjoy ALL of my friends and family, I appreciate that we are not the same. Each of them ignite different pieces of me, but I know all of them cannot, will not, or are not equipped to take the same road as me. It’s no one’s fault. It also wouldn’t be right of me to take (possibly carry) someone on a journey they are not ready for. Therefore, access to me remains selective and limited. I trust what I know about each person in my life…read that again.

Everyone doesn’t deserve access to you.

She's Too Young For You, Bro.

February 11, 2020

Question 1: What is an appropriate age to begin dating?

Question 2: What is an appropriate age gap between two people whom are dating?

I had this conversation with a friend once and we discussed the difference between a 20 year old man and 20 year old woman verses a 40 year old man and a 40 year old woman.

The late R&B artist, Aaliyah, had a song called "Age Ain't Nothing But a Number" but not long after that song was released, we find out she allegedly had an inappropriate romance with an older man when she was just 14 years old.

Celebrities, people in entertainment, and people who make vast amounts of money sometimes break the lines of what is appropriate. I don't have to list their names, I'm sure you can think of a few. I'm no celebrity and 90% of my friends aren't celebrities, but the 10% who are well known definitely do not get seriously involved with those too young. So to us, what's abnormal IS indeed abnormal.

The age gap between two people isn't necessarily the bigger issue, it's the age of the people themselves and the place card they're at in life. At 25, what is your focus? Would it be the same as someone who is 40? That's a 15 year gap. Although, at 35, you may be on the same playing field as someone who is 50. And here’s a thought, at any age you could be working retail management with a 50k salary, good benefits, taking one nice vacation a year, and that would be enough for you. So you could be 45 and your partner 30, doing the same thing.

There are people who comment that a man who is dating someone much more younger is not fully connected with himself, matured, or disciplined enough so he wants to be with someone who keeps him feeling or looking young…while his friends and family observe and discuss their thoughts in private. I presume it may be the same for when a woman dates a much younger man….but, I’ve not reached those years yet where that could be a reality in my circle.

There is no set age of when someone is mentally and emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship, but with each new age we reach, we do become different people in the sense that we make decisions each year that shape us and we can either be better equipped to be in a relationship or need more time to ourselves. I'm not in my twenties and with technology changing the way we live, social media having more influence, and resources evolving, many young twenty year olds cannot relate to what I experienced while I was in my twenties or even my teenage years for that matter.

My friends and I joke about the music we used to listen to, the mixtapes we used to make with radio songs, having a phone with the long spiral cord, holding hands with your crush at the skating rink, and getting excited when pagers were a hot thing. I don't see myself being serious with someone who I cannot have similar conversations with, but that's only part of it. There also needs to be similar professional and personal missions. If all you can discuss with me is the grass being green, I will grow tired of you fairly quickly. My mind cannot work with dense conversations.

I should not void out that a woman of a certain age and accomplishments is not the same as a man of a certain age and accomplishments. I don't ever see myself providing a life for someone who is fully capable of proving their own desired lifestyle. But, a man may be okay with that and may not have any hesitation with dating younger; it's the dating someone too young that may raise some questions.

Hey, if you're happy, what does anyone else think? Enjoy your relationship. Be proud of it. If you feel like it's wrong, then you may need to ask yourself some questions and search for your own answers.

Expectations of a Man

January 30, 2017

Just because you are nice to a woman, does not mean your are entitled to her affections...

<<< Who is this man?

Can we find him and make him POTUS?!

Be a good human, don't put on that facade to only gain a woman's attention. If I am already not showing you interest, nothing in your "niceness" will change my mind. The only thing that I will think is, "Huh, he's sweet." ...that's it and I will move on about my day.

I won't take anything more from a nice guy's behavior, but I also don't want the nice guy to deplete all his efforts into me when I am not available or willing to give him the same. It's one thing to become a friend who I can count on and who I can converse to without it being awkward, it's another thing to be a man who's waiting on a weak moment to make his move on me. This is why I am always hesitant to make male friends, I never really know their true intentions, especially the ones who revealed their feelings towards me in the beginning.

Yet, even if I do not adhere to his advances, it doesn't mean he should revert to being an asshole towards me. — And if you are the type of man to go toe-to-toe with a woman, then what type of man are you really??

Moving on, let's refer to the song, "Don't Be Cruel" by Bobby Brown and some of the lyrics...

Ohhhh, girl
As long as I've been giving my love to you
You should be giving me your love too
But you just keep on actin' just like a fool
You know it ain't cool
Girl, I work so hard for you from 9 to 5
So you could have the finer things in life
Since you're the kind that's never satisfied

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TREAT A WOMAN LIKE SHE IS THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!

Okay to be fair, the song is more about a man and a woman, presumably in a relationship or maybe the early stages of dating, so there could be reasons why he is doing the most for this woman. Either way, a good man is a good man all around, not just for the sake of a woman. If he wants to extend his expectations, so be it but, don't get upset at the woman because of something you decided to do to make her happy and she didn't seem to appreciate it.

(Don't worry fellas, my next post is about the Expectations of a Woman, and trust me, my thoughts on that are more exhaustive.)

If you feel you are not being appreciated or she does not show you the same qualities, THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE? This is no different than a woman giving her all to a man who doesn't deserve it. Move it along and find someone who shares your same views on relationships and love.

For me, the only thing I expect from any man is understanding and respect of my space, that is the minimum for a potential husband.

Now, if a man does graduate to become my spouse or a serious partner at the very least, then my expectations will be a little more, because I will expect him to consider me in his decisions if we are planning to build a future together. I would expect for him to be side by side with me in maintaining stability for our present state and for whatever future goals we have. This includes, but not limited to, location of main residence, type and function of residence, financial allocations, parenting tactics, involvement in social activities, charity or volunteering, retirement goals, vacation plans, and the list goes on.

I will agree it is harder to get into a relationship now because the make-up of the man has changed mainly because the make-up of the woman has evolved. Everything that I am doing in my life right now, I don't want to stop, I want to expand on it. Make more money, travel more, have more time to facilitate with friends and family. If a man can add upon that, then GREAT but, even if he is willing to do that for me, doesn't mean I am owed him anything due to his willingness. Nor will I jump at the opportunity to take advantage of his generosity....again, 'Expectations of a Woman' in the next post.

The Proposal

June 25, 2016

I honestly believe that for a relationship to begin and be validated, the man is the one who needs to present a woman with one. But does that mean that a woman needs to drop hints to the man she wants a relationship with? If I like a man on a more personal level, then I will make it known to him....and I am not talking about simple friendly behavior like calling him and asking how his day was, because I did have several experiences where a platonic guy friend misinterpreted my behavior and thought I was interested in something more. — No, I am talking about a more personal and intimate behavior where romantic topics are discussed. If nothing else, I am great with my words and I am good with conveying what I think about a man I may be interested in. And if that man does not pick up on my interest towards him, then I'm not going to keep voicing my thoughts, I am going to eventually grow weary and move on.

But what if a man whom I do like were to ask me...ME...to be his lady? Men have far less patience than women; what if a man were patient enough to deal with me...ME?

People always assume I have a line of suitors knocking at my door….That is so far from the truth. There may be men who are interested in me but, I do not have interest in all these men and I do not think any of them really know me so well that they know how skewed my mind has become towards men and relationships...well, unless they are avid readers, then all bets are off. — But could a man really be willing to dig through my psyche and break down everything I built up to keep him out?

I don't know how to be in a relationship. The only real experience I had with one ended in disaster...even though I came out of the mess like a shooting star, it was still very trying to my persona. Could the man who wants me be able to understand all of that? Could he be so benevolent towards my guarded heart that he is able to find what I once lost? If a man were to propose a relationship, I do not know how I would respond. Correction, if the right man wanted to have me, I definitely would not know how to respond...and this is where my true insecurity comes in...What if I am not fit to be in a relationship?...Am I aware enough to identify when I am pushing him away? Am I healed enough to reciprocate his affections? Am I caring enough to comfort him when he needs me without asking me? Am I unselfish enough to love him as he loves me?

Is this what we all unconsciously think when considering relationships? Or do most of us just take the dive and see how well we can swim against any currents? What if people stated these thoughts before entering a union? Would it open more lines of communication and understanding?

Lord, who ever you got for me, he doesn’t have to be perfect, just good to my soul.

What They Want

April 10, 2016

I recall a few interesting things my friend said to me once about a woman he knows...

(*names are changed)

Summary of what my friend disclosed: Tara is a fitness trainer and so was her boyfriend at the time. Tara was seeing Robert during the she had a boyfriend. Tara's boyfriend was Robert's fitness trainer. Tara and Robert eventually stopped seeing each other when he got engaged to someone else and married her. Robert's parents liked Tara better but, he still married someone else. At one point Robert asked Tara to train his wife because they were about to go an a vacation....

Of everything in this information, my fiend only seemed to be discerned about the fact Robert wanting to get his wife trained. To my understanding my friend thought that it was maybe an insult to his wife because he wanted her to get fit....

Here are my two cents:

1. Tara did not display to be a trustworthy partner since she was sleeping with Robert while she also had a boyfriend.

2. How do you know the parents liked her better? Are you just going off of what she told you? What Tara perceived may have been better but, does she know the type of relationship Robert's wife has with his parents?

3. No matter who the parents liked more, Robert is the one who decided which woman he ultimately wanted to propose to.

4. The only hesitation I see with Robert asking Tara to train his wife is the fact that Robert and Tara used to be intimate...it is unknown if the wife was privy to this information.

5. How do you know that Robert and his wife did not agree before hand to get fit? You cannot underestimate the communication between husband and wife.

6. Not only for Robert but, also for his wife, being fit and looking good is a benefit to them both.

**Dear friend, if you are reading this and I misinterpreted what you said, please feel free to correct me.

No one will ever know or should ever know the fine details in someone else's marriage. We cannot always flow with what someone on the outside tells us. I do not personally know "Tara", my friend says she is a great person and that could be very true and I am not placing any judgement against her. We all have our reasons for the decisions we make. My point of this is that a husband and wife have a special relationship, maybe not the best, but their relationship is definitely outlined differently than another relationship that holds another title. So us being on the outside cannot assume that a husband's request or even a wife's request was not already discussed and agreed upon with their partner.

Devaluing Your Partner

March 15, 2016

When you speak negatively about your partner, or even when you make jokes with negative undertones, it lessens the value of your partner and takes from their confidence in the relationship. Not only that, but others also gain a sense of "right" to then ridicule your partner.

I don't know about you but, anyone who speaks against the one I am with also speaks against ME.

You chose your partner as well as your partner chose you. So what goes against them also goes against you. Instead of breaking down my partner, I would rather guide, uplift, and encourage him.

No relationship we have is simple, even if it seems easy because the two of you get along, there will still be times of dispute. I am a firm believer of keeping personal matters private especially when involving a spouse or partner. We can ask for outside support but, any detailed issues should be resolved privately between the two. With my personal experience in my last run at love, our issues were NOT private since there was a third party involved who sought the demise of our relationship. And this third party involved others as well, so I could not address anything privately and nothing could be resolved other than the decision for me to leave and move on with my life.

BUT, even during this madness, I did not speak unjustly of my partner, I basically let everyone know he was figuring things out and we were going to do the best we can for our family...even though I knew deep down inside, I was ready for it to be over.

And I might have made these statements before but, when you love someone, it's not enough to just tell him "I love you". It's how you love him. You partner doesn't just want to hear those words but, to also live in the feeling of your them. When you make less of your actions, you make less of your words, your sincerity, your promise to support and protect the love you have for your spouse.

I do not know when I will find myself in another relationship and I do not want to love the wrong person again but, I know he is going to love everything I offer him.

When he's happy, I share his joy
When he's proud, I am proud with him
When he's hungry, I prepare his plate
When he's lonely, I sit with him
When he's ill, I bring him tea and soup
When he's cold, I cuddle him
When he's stressed, I lay his head on my lap
When he's wrong, I tell him about his rights
When he's lost, I guide him back home to me
- Raya L.

The Mystery

December 23, 2015

Ever since my initial post "The Stranger" I have been getting an abundance of emails and comments here and there about this 'mystery guy'. It is not a mystery, he is a friend of mine and yes, we have shared romantic moments but, we still consider ourselves as friends. And, yes, I do refer to him every now and then. I empathize that some people may have concern about him for me but, with all that I do share with the world, there is much that I do not share for my own personal reasons...I am the one who is living this experience and although I can appreciate everyone's thoughts, I am the one who has to live out any decision I make regarding my friend.

I know that it may be difficult for most people to comprehend our friendship but, with having bad memories from my last love spell, I am very adamant about building a friendship before anything else...how can anyone create a life with someone and not truly enjoy the person?...I cannot stress enough how grateful I am to have cross paths with this man and we always mention or joke about how we met, how everything happens for a reason, and how all the decisions we made that day led us to be introduced. We both have our own versions of it and we chuckle about it each time but, that is how our foundation started.

I speak highly of him because I think highly of him. He understands my mindset and the direction I am taking in life and he respects my space. We may always just be friends and I am fine with that and he knows this. It is all positive energy. I may never divulge any details about our relationship because those matters are between us. Even some of my close friends just get the basic information about him..."He's fine."..."Everything is great."..."I still like him."...etc.

So, you will not see his face or know his name unless there is good reason for it or if certain events occur. I fully believe in respecting the privacy of others especially when it also involves my own privacy. Anything that is revealed openly will because of our actions and decisions together. Until then...We're good.

Any future questions or inquires about this subject, we are just going to revisit this post. Cool? Cool.

On Another Note:

People seem to think I have a slew of men calling me or texting me trying to date me. Well, my response is as follows...

I will admit I am very particular with whom I communicate with, even more particular when it comes to men. Sometimes when a man realizes I have little time for him, or senses that my interest is obsolete, he usually ends up eliminating himself from the equation. So no, I do not have dozens of suitors beating at my door, there are no flowers being delivered to my office, my phone is not constantly ringing, and my text message inbox is lackluster. The only reason I have a lock on my phone is because my children are professional criminals. (-___-)

In all fairness, I will respond to those who I want to respond to and reach out to those who I feel is worth reaching out to. If a man does not hear from me, it does not necessarily mean there was something wrong with him...or there could be something wrong with him and I just don't have the patience to tell a grown man about himself...again, I am...particular and somewhat difficult...So, any man who gets upset with me about my disinterest towards him...I don't care. It's not to be heartless, I just have too much else to focus on rather than coddle your hurt feelings due to my choices and standards.

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December 2024
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November 2024
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September 2024
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August 2024
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July 2024
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April 2024
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March 2024
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- Mar 14, 2024 Raya's Rundown Mar 14, 2024
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February 2024
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January 2024
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- Dec 1, 2023 Don't Bash Someone's Wins In Life Dec 1, 2023
November 2023
- Nov 25, 2023 Why Are More Straight Men Behaving Like Women? Nov 25, 2023
- Nov 22, 2023 Thankful & Blessed Nov 22, 2023
- Nov 16, 2023 Puff Did WHAT?! Nov 16, 2023
- Nov 9, 2023 My Heart Changed Nov 9, 2023
October 2023
- Oct 31, 2023 Don't Be Scared Oct 31, 2023
- Oct 25, 2023 My Fellas Oct 25, 2023
- Oct 20, 2023 Have A Coach Prime Attitude Oct 20, 2023
- Oct 18, 2023 Entertainment Recap: Marques Houston, Joe Buddens & Drake, etc. Oct 18, 2023
- Oct 11, 2023 The Married Man Review Oct 11, 2023
- Oct 4, 2023 Don’t Be Just Like Me Oct 4, 2023
September 2023
- Sep 27, 2023 I'm Fresh, Not Fast Sep 27, 2023
- Sep 22, 2023 Not In The Mood Sep 22, 2023
- Sep 17, 2023 Guardian Angels Sep 17, 2023
- Sep 13, 2023 Reader Input: Girl...Talk to ALL of THEM! Sep 13, 2023
- Sep 7, 2023 Be Happy Sep 7, 2023
August 2023
- Aug 31, 2023 The Partner Prayer Aug 31, 2023
- Aug 24, 2023 No New Friends/Problems Aug 24, 2023
- Aug 20, 2023 Relationships: A Wise Investment? Aug 20, 2023
- Aug 17, 2023 Girl Cliques Aug 17, 2023
- Aug 10, 2023 I talk back Aug 10, 2023
- Aug 2, 2023 The Grown Attitude Aug 2, 2023
July 2023
- Jul 27, 2023 Interested In Him Jul 27, 2023
- Jul 21, 2023 Let The Juices Flow Jul 21, 2023
- Jul 20, 2023 Today's Generation of Men is NOT Yesterday's Jul 20, 2023
- Jul 16, 2023 Make Money Online Jul 16, 2023
- Jul 12, 2023 Looking For Trouble Jul 12, 2023
- Jul 6, 2023 The One Who Got Away Jul 6, 2023
June 2023
- Jun 29, 2023 Lie To Me Jun 29, 2023
- Jun 23, 2023 A Reader's Rant: Age Gaps Jun 23, 2023
- Jun 15, 2023 Dream Lover Jun 15, 2023
- Jun 10, 2023 We Are Mosaics Jun 10, 2023
- Jun 6, 2023 The Standard And Not The Standard Jun 6, 2023
May 2023
- May 30, 2023 Forever Doesn't Last A Long Time May 30, 2023
- May 23, 2023 Cougar-ish May 23, 2023
- May 19, 2023 The Side Effects Of Hate May 19, 2023
- May 16, 2023 Talk To Me With Bass May 16, 2023
- May 12, 2023 Please Him Too May 12, 2023
- May 5, 2023 To Be A H*e Or Not To Be A H*e? May 5, 2023
April 2023
- Apr 28, 2023 Acts of Service Apr 28, 2023
- Apr 22, 2023 Old Sitcom Loves Apr 22, 2023
- Apr 13, 2023 Convos With The Fellas Apr 13, 2023
- Apr 8, 2023 Codename: "Poppa" Apr 8, 2023
- Apr 1, 2023 Northern vs. Southern Men Apr 1, 2023
March 2023
- Mar 27, 2023 Continuous Growth Mar 27, 2023
- Mar 21, 2023 So Unattractive Mar 21, 2023
- Mar 13, 2023 I’m Dating A Married Man Mar 13, 2023
- Mar 7, 2023 Reader Input: Seeing Someone? Mar 7, 2023
- Mar 2, 2023 Wifely Duties (NSFW) Mar 2, 2023
February 2023
- Feb 27, 2023 February Summary Feb 27, 2023
- Feb 21, 2023 Love Me When You're Ready, Not When You're Vulnerable Feb 21, 2023
- Feb 16, 2023 Choosing With Your Head First, Then Your Heart Feb 16, 2023
- Feb 15, 2023 Recovery Feb 15, 2023
- Feb 12, 2023 Just A Few Minutes Feb 12, 2023
- Feb 8, 2023 Our Business Not Yours Feb 8, 2023
- Feb 3, 2023 Zodiac Compatibility: Real? Feb 3, 2023
- Feb 3, 2023 Love Challenge Feb 3, 2023
- Feb 1, 2023 January Summary Feb 1, 2023
January 2023
- Jan 31, 2023 My Man My Man Jan 31, 2023
- Jan 28, 2023 Check On Me Tonight Jan 28, 2023
- Jan 23, 2023 Love Isn't Enough Jan 23, 2023
- Jan 21, 2023 Change Of Heart Jan 21, 2023
- Jan 19, 2023 Seeing Someone? Jan 19, 2023
- Jan 19, 2023 Care For The V Jan 19, 2023
- Jan 18, 2023 Tolerable Jan 18, 2023
- Jan 15, 2023 Mixed Words Jan 15, 2023
- Jan 13, 2023 Open Relationships Jan 13, 2023
- Jan 10, 2023 Hugs and Kisses Jan 10, 2023
- Jan 10, 2023 Bedroom Moves Jan 10, 2023
- Jan 6, 2023 The Power Of Compliments Jan 6, 2023
- Jan 1, 2023 Selfish Jan 1, 2023
- Jan 1, 2023 Self-Esteem Jan 1, 2023
December 2022
- Dec 25, 2022 The Vision Board Dec 25, 2022
- Dec 21, 2022 You Don't Like Complex Dec 21, 2022
- Dec 17, 2022 Empathy (Quick Note) Dec 17, 2022
- Dec 16, 2022 Hurt People, Hurt People Dec 16, 2022
- Dec 12, 2022 100/50/0 Dec 12, 2022
- Dec 7, 2022 I’m Not Your Type Dec 7, 2022
- Dec 2, 2022 When You Love Someone Dec 2, 2022
November 2022
- Nov 28, 2022 Requiring The Bare Minimum Is Not A Goal Nov 28, 2022
- Nov 23, 2022 Why Do Men Do This? Nov 23, 2022
- Nov 17, 2022 Be Strong For Them, Be Soft For Him Nov 17, 2022
- Nov 14, 2022 Do You Cut Off All Your H*oes Right Away? Nov 14, 2022
- Nov 10, 2022 What is "WYD" and "WYA" Nov 10, 2022
- Nov 6, 2022 Identifying Intimacy: A Lover's View Nov 6, 2022
- Nov 3, 2022 Are You Who You Believe? Nov 3, 2022
October 2022
- Oct 30, 2022 Dream A Little Dream Oct 30, 2022
- Oct 26, 2022 Against The Odds Oct 26, 2022
- Oct 23, 2022 Make It Mean Something Oct 23, 2022
- Oct 16, 2022 Look Out For Her When She Doesn't Oct 16, 2022
- Oct 10, 2022 Are You Worth Changing My PH Balance For? Oct 10, 2022
- Oct 3, 2022 “I’m Not Like Other Guys” Oct 3, 2022
September 2022
- Sep 27, 2022 Men Have The Audacity Sep 27, 2022
- Sep 21, 2022 Opposing Views Sep 21, 2022
- Sep 15, 2022 Don't Give Everyone Access (RECAP) Sep 15, 2022
- Sep 12, 2022 Shuler King Message Sep 12, 2022
- Sep 6, 2022 My Phone Code Sep 6, 2022
August 2022
- Aug 31, 2022 Questions? Comments? Aug 31, 2022
- Aug 25, 2022 Stay Unbroken Aug 25, 2022
- Aug 15, 2022 Manifesting The Man Aug 15, 2022
- Aug 9, 2022 Off Limits Aug 9, 2022
- Aug 2, 2022 I Wish A Man Would (NSFW) Aug 2, 2022
July 2022
- Jul 26, 2022 A Few Good Men Jul 26, 2022
- Jul 26, 2022 The Energy You Give Jul 26, 2022
- Jul 19, 2022 Building Barriers Jul 19, 2022
- Jul 11, 2022 Body Image Jul 11, 2022
- Jul 6, 2022 Hard Truths Jul 6, 2022
June 2022
- Jun 29, 2022 Alfa Men Jun 29, 2022
- Jun 23, 2022 Misleading Jun 23, 2022
- Jun 18, 2022 Single Does Not Equal Lonely Jun 18, 2022
- Jun 11, 2022 New Feelings Jun 11, 2022
May 2022
- May 28, 2022 The Makings of a Perfect Lover May 28, 2022
- May 24, 2022 UnBirthday 2022 May 24, 2022
- May 15, 2022 One night stand May 15, 2022
- May 9, 2022 Space Kitty May 9, 2022
- May 8, 2022 Two Sides to a Coin May 8, 2022
- May 1, 2022 Marriage May 1, 2022
April 2022
- Apr 22, 2022 Hey Raya Apr 22, 2022
- Apr 18, 2022 Mr. Perfect Apr 18, 2022
- Apr 14, 2022 Gentle Reader Apr 14, 2022
- Apr 8, 2022 Appearing Acts Apr 8, 2022
- Apr 3, 2022 Sure, Tell Me More Apr 3, 2022
March 2022
- Mar 20, 2022 Be Good Mar 20, 2022
- Mar 13, 2022 Is He In A Relationship? Mar 13, 2022
- Mar 4, 2022 Don't Give Everyone Access: PT 2 Mar 4, 2022
February 2022
- Feb 23, 2022 The Men We Choose Feb 23, 2022
- Feb 16, 2022 Self-Care, Peace & The V Care Feb 16, 2022
- Feb 14, 2022 Mind of a Boy Feb 14, 2022
- Feb 13, 2022 Soul Mates, Real or BS? Feb 13, 2022
- Feb 10, 2022 Then What Good Is He? Feb 10, 2022
- Feb 3, 2022 Another One Feb 3, 2022
- Feb 1, 2022 Men Are Demons Feb 1, 2022
January 2022
- Jan 30, 2022 Man, A Woman's Best Friend Jan 30, 2022
- Jan 24, 2022 The Gatsby Man Jan 24, 2022
- Jan 14, 2022 Worth The Fight Jan 14, 2022
- Jan 14, 2022 Tech Gadgets For The Busy Woman Jan 14, 2022
- Jan 11, 2022 Men In Style Jan 11, 2022
- Jan 6, 2022 Make Up Sex Jan 6, 2022
- Jan 1, 2022 Comment Control Jan 1, 2022
December 2021
- Dec 28, 2021 Recovery 2021 Dec 28, 2021
- Dec 26, 2021 Successful Kids Dec 26, 2021
- Dec 22, 2021 Disciplined Men Dec 22, 2021
- Dec 18, 2021 I Like When He...(NSFW) Dec 18, 2021
- Dec 15, 2021 HER Dec 15, 2021
- Dec 10, 2021 The Submissive (NSFW) Dec 10, 2021
- Dec 5, 2021 Intimacy (NSFW) Dec 5, 2021
November 2021
- Nov 18, 2021 Set The Tone Nov 18, 2021
October 2021
- Oct 14, 2021 Calming Yourself Oct 14, 2021
September 2021
- Sep 26, 2021 Accepting the People Sep 26, 2021
- Sep 16, 2021 That's Just Love Sep 16, 2021
August 2021
- Aug 31, 2021 Women and The Sum of All Fears Aug 31, 2021
- Aug 8, 2021 Rejuvenate Aug 8, 2021
July 2021
- Jul 24, 2021 A Woman’s Insecurity Jul 24, 2021
- Jul 11, 2021 The Perfect Man Jul 11, 2021
May 2021
- May 20, 2021 The Older Man May 20, 2021
- May 1, 2021 Gaslighting May 1, 2021
April 2021
- Apr 12, 2021 Loyalty Apr 12, 2021
March 2021
- Mar 30, 2021 Equal or Special Mar 30, 2021
- Mar 29, 2021 You're Just Stubborn Mar 29, 2021
January 2021
- Jan 23, 2021 The Wall Jan 23, 2021
- Jan 17, 2021 You Can't Let Life Happen To You Jan 17, 2021
November 2020
- Nov 24, 2020 Selfish Acts Nov 24, 2020
- Nov 15, 2020 What Could a 4-6 Week Lockdown Mean? Nov 15, 2020
- Nov 11, 2020 Receipts Nov 11, 2020
- Nov 6, 2020 Not Being Like Your Parents When Parenting Nov 6, 2020
October 2020
- Oct 26, 2020 Depression Oct 26, 2020
- Oct 15, 2020 How To Trust Oct 15, 2020
- Oct 1, 2020 You Should Open Up More Oct 1, 2020
September 2020
- Sep 25, 2020 Are Mothers Ruining Their Sons For Future Relationships? Sep 25, 2020
- Sep 16, 2020 When Is It Actually Considered Dating? Sep 16, 2020
- Sep 14, 2020 Do You Move Into Your Partner’s Place After Other Ex’s? Sep 14, 2020
- Sep 13, 2020 Message From Raya L. Sep 13, 2020
- Sep 13, 2020 Supporting Small Sep 13, 2020
- Sep 11, 2020 What to do between Birmingham & Tuscaloosa Sep 11, 2020
- Sep 3, 2020 Confidence Looks Good On You Sep 3, 2020
August 2020
- Aug 26, 2020 The Prenup Aug 26, 2020
- Aug 19, 2020 Degrees & Certifications Aug 19, 2020
- Aug 16, 2020 Being Dominant vs. Being Abusive Aug 16, 2020
- Aug 11, 2020 I Ghosted My Skeleton...Twice Aug 11, 2020
- Aug 7, 2020 Extra Income Aug 7, 2020
July 2020
- Jul 28, 2020 Don't Give Everyone Access Jul 28, 2020
- Jul 24, 2020 Stock Market For Beginners (E-BOOK) Jul 24, 2020
- Jul 21, 2020 The Real Preference Jul 21, 2020
- Jul 13, 2020 Travel: Pandemic Edition Jul 13, 2020
June 2020
- Jun 30, 2020 Health & Wellness Jun 30, 2020
- Jun 10, 2020 Whether You Chose to Address It or Not, It Still Exists Jun 10, 2020
- Jun 1, 2020 A Journey in Tuscaloosa Jun 1, 2020
May 2020
- May 22, 2020 The (UN)Birthday Celebrations May 22, 2020
- May 15, 2020 Welcome Back…Kinda May 15, 2020
April 2020
- Apr 18, 2020 What Has Staying at Home Taught you? Apr 18, 2020
- Apr 9, 2020 Mental Health During a Pandemic Apr 9, 2020
March 2020
- Mar 24, 2020 Social Distancing Mar 24, 2020
- Mar 14, 2020 Women Mar 14, 2020
- Mar 2, 2020 This is Not a Dating Place Mar 2, 2020
February 2020
- Feb 20, 2020 Getting a Divorce is NOT the Same as Being Divorced Feb 20, 2020
- Feb 14, 2020 "Power Couples" Feb 14, 2020
- Feb 11, 2020 She's Too Young For You, Bro. Feb 11, 2020
December 2019
- Dec 22, 2019 Adieu 2019 Dec 22, 2019
- Dec 3, 2019 Sharing Finances Dec 3, 2019
November 2019
- Nov 7, 2019 Working as a Single Parent to Make it all WORK... Nov 7, 2019
- Nov 5, 2019 Letting go of Bad Investments Nov 5, 2019
October 2019
- Oct 13, 2019 Everyone Loves the Hero, but No One Forgets the Villain Oct 13, 2019
August 2019
- Aug 30, 2019 Make It Work Anywhere Aug 30, 2019
- Aug 7, 2019 Business Woman to Business Wife Aug 7, 2019
July 2019
- Jul 30, 2019 Stand By Me Jul 30, 2019
- Jul 20, 2019 What Dreams May Come Jul 20, 2019
June 2019
- Jun 12, 2019 The Busy Woman Jun 12, 2019
- Jun 4, 2019 The Boys Club Jun 4, 2019
May 2019
- May 28, 2019 A BODY IN MOTION May 28, 2019
March 2019
- Mar 29, 2019 WHY DO WE KEEP MISCIMMUNICATING IN THE WORKPLACE? Mar 29, 2019
- Mar 25, 2019 "Office Housework" is keeping women in their place? Mar 25, 2019
- Mar 19, 2019 Let Him Lead Mar 19, 2019
November 2018
- Nov 9, 2018 Are You Running From Her? Nov 9, 2018
October 2018
- Oct 19, 2018 Not Equal Oct 19, 2018
- Oct 18, 2018 Dear Men...and Women Oct 18, 2018
- Oct 6, 2018 It's Complicated Oct 6, 2018
- Oct 5, 2018 Great Expectations Oct 5, 2018
- Oct 1, 2018 Let's Not Waste Our Time Oct 1, 2018
September 2018
- Sep 15, 2018 I Love You But... Sep 15, 2018
- Sep 10, 2018 Gold Digging Clarified Sep 10, 2018
- Sep 1, 2018 Times Up #MeToo Sep 1, 2018
August 2018
- Aug 30, 2018 Grooming Aug 30, 2018
January 2018
- Jan 22, 2018 Waiting for Who? Jan 22, 2018
- Jan 17, 2018 The Newer You Jan 17, 2018
- Jan 10, 2018 Can you Survive It? Jan 10, 2018
- Jan 1, 2018 Men Set The Tone Jan 1, 2018
December 2017
- Dec 23, 2017 Better Decisions Dec 23, 2017
- Dec 8, 2017 90% of Women, Is this True? Dec 8, 2017
- Dec 2, 2017 Forgiveness & Apologies Dec 2, 2017
October 2017
- Oct 18, 2017 A Two Household Marriage Oct 18, 2017
September 2017
- Sep 12, 2017 You Don't Go Together Sep 12, 2017
July 2017
- Jul 5, 2017 Do Men Settle? Jul 5, 2017
June 2017
- Jun 21, 2017 She Did WHAT?! Jun 21, 2017
May 2017
- May 24, 2017 Have a Strong Presence May 24, 2017
- May 17, 2017 Preparing for You May 17, 2017
- May 6, 2017 High Expectations May 6, 2017
February 2017
- Feb 20, 2017 SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY #BAMA Feb 20, 2017
- Feb 10, 2017 Expectations of a Woman Feb 10, 2017
January 2017
- Jan 30, 2017 Expectations of a Man Jan 30, 2017
November 2016
- Nov 20, 2016 The Men We Entertain Nov 20, 2016
- Nov 5, 2016 Is a Married Man Worth The Effort? Nov 5, 2016
October 2016
- Oct 8, 2016 Decisions Oct 8, 2016
September 2016
- Sep 14, 2016 Must Read For Women Sep 14, 2016
August 2016
- Aug 8, 2016 Clinging Aug 8, 2016
June 2016
- Jun 25, 2016 The Proposal Jun 25, 2016
April 2016
- Apr 10, 2016 What They Want Apr 10, 2016
March 2016
- Mar 15, 2016 Devaluing Your Partner Mar 15, 2016
- Mar 11, 2016 See Me Less Mar 11, 2016
February 2016
- Feb 29, 2016 Busy Feb 29, 2016
December 2015
- Dec 23, 2015 The Mystery Dec 23, 2015
November 2015
- Nov 9, 2015 In Training Nov 9, 2015
July 2015
- Jul 24, 2015 Partnership Jul 24, 2015
- Jul 15, 2015 Go On Jul 15, 2015
June 2015
- Jun 28, 2015 Different Languages Jun 28, 2015
- Jun 23, 2015 The Placement of a Kiss Jun 23, 2015
- Jun 14, 2015 Letting Go Jun 14, 2015
April 2015
- Apr 30, 2015 The Stranger: A Gentleman's Style Apr 30, 2015
- Apr 11, 2015 Chemistry Apr 11, 2015
- Apr 2, 2015 Chivalry Apr 2, 2015
March 2015
- Mar 26, 2015 A Queen Doesn't Play The Joker Mar 26, 2015
- Mar 24, 2015 Good Men Mar 24, 2015
- Mar 9, 2015 Testing Him Mar 9, 2015
July 2013
- Jul 10, 2013 Introvert Jul 10, 2013