Hugs and Kisses

Ladies, don’t let any of these clowns make you feel like you aren’t enough, fck them. If a man wants easy, let him have easy. There is also a difference between a man being predatory towards younger women, having an identity issue with younger women, and misunderstanding what he’s doing. Maybe my opinion doesn't hold much weight because I’m not sleeping with anyone, so I don’t care what these men do.— But hear me out…

After my intro in the last post about telling ladies not to worry about men who aren’t of their statue and who entertain the younger generations, I got endless amount of messages for a lot of you women sharing your stories about heartache dealing with the same issues.

Ladies, I need you all to love yourselves. And I need you all to have friend groups that support all that you are. Affirm yourself no matter what status you’re at in life as long as you are striving to be better and be happier. I’m of a certain age and I’ve not had a lot of relationships, but I have had hurtful dealings with men. And guess what, I didn’t let any of the situations stop me from being great, I might have paused a bit to cater to my emotions, but after that, I went about my business. And please don’t assume I’m good because of how I look. I know how I look and I know how men look at me, but that’s not a major factor of my self-esteem. My confidence comes from the fact that I’ve been able to push through any difficulties that face me and know that whatever I grow from is going to build me to be stronger so I can conquer the next hurdle. My confidence also comes from the fact that each stage of my life, I’ve elevated. I’m not at the same place I was 20 years ago or even 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. And my peace is knowing that I have people who love and see me for me, not for what I can do for them.

Song: “Can I” by Kehlani

So ladies, if you have a man, a lover, or a sweetheart, that’s great, but don’t lose yourself in them. Because no matter how that plays out, you still have you. And that’s what I’m teaching and showing my kids, no matter who they love, they still need to take care of themselves too. When I am going through pain or a stressful situation, sometimes I seclude myself so I can figure out how I want, should, or need to feel. I may book a spa appointment, go on a weekend trip by myself, stay in bed and watch tv all day, or just head out to have a drink. You have to reconnect with yourself. Love can stress you out and these men sometimes don’t make it better, but you can’t rely on them for that.

Don’t get me wrong, there are amazing men out here. Much of them are my friends, and they are so amazing that sometimes when I am hanging out with them and one of their sweethearts are around they still see about me first and make sure I’m okay and having a good time before checking on their lovers. Most men are not like this, but that is the difference with my friends seeing and loving me for me because they know as strong as I can be, I’m still very delicate and they treat me as such. And this is what I meant when I say having friend groups that support all that you are. I remember one time, one of my friends got stood up on a date and she called me about it. I told her to stay put and I got dress went to meet her because I wasn’t going to let her waste her efforts of looking nice and letting some clown make her feel bad about herself. But I like being that type of friend for my friends . Although, you should have people who do that for you too.

Find your groove with who you currently are. Embrace it all, even your flaws. Fck these men. A lot of them never know what they have until it’s gone. Let them miss it and go on about your life. And Baby, don’t let the pain keep you from having love in your heart because trust me, there is going to be someone who matches your energy and you’re going to be so thankful that you didn’t let the heartache turn you cold. And be patient with your heart it goes through a lot so take care of it. Okay?

Hugs and Kisses - Raya L.

Selfish

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

So lets start this new year on a high note. All last year I advocated for you all to love people, give them grace, give them time and space to get through their own dealings or whatever they need to go through but don't forget to do this for yourself too. Be Selfish with yourself, your mind, your body, your spirit. Everyone doesn't always deserve your time and energy. You need to keep some for yourself too. One week I can be very social and talk or text someone every day and the next week, you may barely hear from me. This does not mean anything is wrong (although, keep in mind it’s still good practice to check on people, just incase there is an issue), but most of the time I allocate my time and energy sparingly.

Last week I watched a dear friend try to hold back the tears when talking about a loved one he recently lost, but I couldn't hold back tears and even though it wasn't my loss, I still needed time to decompress the emotions I had for my friend and his family. I only reached out to people who knew him also and closed myself off to those who didn't know him or the family. I send comforting messages to all those people and even the one person I have a colorful history with, I decided months ago and I would not let any past issues to get in the way of sharing love towards him too…despite hearing and seeing certain things, but I’m not making that important because not letting go of pain keeps us in that moment and doesn't allow us to move forward (maybe one day we’ll be able to have a reasonable discussion about the little details, probably on a day that doesn’t end with “Y” - inside joke). Anyway, I tend get very selective during sensitive circumstances because I know I cannot fully be myself when I'm affected by something. So yes, people may hear less from me when I do this.

When things occur that make us emotional or requires making multiple decisions, we have to separate ourselves from the world to focus. I have a very unhealthy habit of suppressing my emotions and eventually it affects my decisions and how I behave. Some people see me as cold and standoffish while others see me as warm, but extremely private. I never liked sharing all of my news whether good or bad to people. I guess that’s selfish of me, but it also helps me think through what I want for myself. People are not one dimensional, we have layers and I don’t always pull back all of mine. And how I make decisions or get through things is something I am going to continuously learn to do because every situation isn’t going to require the same thoughts. I always want to be bettering myself whether or not people see that. Those who understand the process of growth, also understand the growing pains.

Enough with the cerebral talk…with keeping on the topic of being selfish, Fellas you can stop here. Ladies, to those of you who are on the same path as me and keeping your goods to yourself until someone helps you decide otherwise, I came across this very interesting necklace. And if you read my post about pH Balance, I am still very serious about not letting anyone mess that up and I don’t know about all women, but my pH balance is very sensitive. My body can tell within hours if something is not right with my Hello Kitty. Even when I was trying out different soaps and body washes, that girl down there let me know right away what she did and didn’t like. But anyways, about this special necklace, Ladies go ahead an use the CONTACT ME feature to learn more about what I found and to those of you who already know about it, we can share notes.

You Don't Like Complex

Happy Tip: Any time you are sad, give yourself time to be sad, but try not to dwell too long, sadness can cripple you (sometimes when I'm sad, I won’t leave my house for days and not want to be around people, but I have to remind myself, life is still moving and I need to move too). Learn to groove into other emotions by switching to happier topics or thinking of things that boost your energy and serotonin levels.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Artist: Giulia Rosa (I love this artist’s expressions of love and sex)

You ladies have voiced a lot of your grievances about men over the years. Men do not see their own bullsh*t sometimes. And they always try to make excuses for lacking. I came up with a simple message for men who think they are adequate…I know some of the men are going to dislike this, but hear us out:

You do not like someone with baggage, who maybe has previous trauma, children or a career that will get in the way of giving all her attention to you. You want someone to always be available for you, but want her to understand when you cannot be available for her. You don’t want someone who is complex because then you will feel pressured to think and do things that you are not capable of doing. You think you want a strong woman, but when her strength challenges your abilities, you create barriers against her and try to make her seem like the problem. You like the idea of her, but you have not dug into your own flaws and setbacks to realize that you are not ready for everything she comes with. She doesn’t need you to be perfect, she just wants you stand by her and face the world with optimism, determination, prosperity, and love for her.

We have to be honest with ourselves and what we can handle right now, but don’t think that any involvement you have with anyone isn’t going to get difficult. What is more important is how you handle the difficulties; you either face them or run from them. And no matter what decision you make…every action has an equal or opposite reaction.

To the men who are single, live your best single life, but keep this in mind…if there is a woman around you who is of a certain stature and you do things that makes her think a little differently of you, she isn't going to automatically forget her image of you just because you tell her it’s not what it looks like or its not what it seems. This is the difference between a man who is cognizant and a man who isn't self aware. Behave how you believe yourself to be. I know that may be lost to some of you. — Let’s say you and I are friends and you tell me you don't go out often and don’t like to be out all night, but every other weekend you’re out partying it up. Huh? Or if you tell me you don’t have anything going on with someone, but I happen to see you getting very cozy with someone, how am I supposed to think of that? Either you are with someone, starting something with someone, or you just let anyone get cozy with you.

Artist: Giulia Rosa

Hey, I'm single and I hang out and I meet people, but I’m still aware of how things could be perceived by the people around me. Even when I step out to my favorite places, most of the people know my face so I am not going to get affectionate with anyone I am not sleeping with or who I do not know very well. I’m not going to put my arm around anyone or press my body against them or act in a suggestive way with them. - Now I told you I hung out with one of my guy friends before Thanksgiving, right? Remember, I barely see him, but we catch up like once a year and when we were hanging out, we went to the place he usually goes to and throughout the evening he did keep hugging me and kissed my head a few times, but the way he did it was more like, this is my friend, I have love for her and I am enjoying her company. His behavior wasn’t inappropriate at all. So say if there was another guy hanging out with us who was interested in me, he would not think there was anything going on between my friend and I because of how we both conducted ourselves.

If you like a woman, don't give her the impression you're interested in someone else. Don’t act like a man who seems to share himself with everybody, that is not appealing. I don’t want what everyone else has or can have. But if you like ME, do small things like asking how I am, or what my weekend plans are, get into what I’m saying, or better yet make a point to see me and be the man you believe yourself to be. I know I’ve said before that I don't like not knowing where I stand with a man, YOU ARE THE MAN, set the tone for this otherwise I’m just going to chalk it up as you're not interested or I'm not your type.

Here’s a quick story. The big radio station in Philadelphia is “Power99”. And years ago Wendy Williams had a syndicated radio show. You may know Wendy as the talk show host, but I remember her from her radio days and I actually like her more then. I didn’t really watch her talk show that much, but when she was on the radio, I tuned in everyday! One time, Andre Benjamin was on her show, he’s also known as Andre 3000 or the other half of Outkast. Around that time he already had a son with Erykah Badu, but he told the story of how Common (who was just starting to become known) came to him and let him know that he and Erykah started seeing each other. And I think it was a bit of commotion because Andre and Erykah were still somewhat involved. But as Andre was telling the story, he was very clam, cool, and collected, it did not sound like there was animosity, he almost seem like he was appreciative that Common came to him to let him know that he didn’t mean any disrespect, he just wanted it to be known that he started seeing Erykah. I remember listening to this and thinking highly of both men and identifying the uncommon qualities that not all men possess, like being a man of honor. Again this was many years ago so you can just image how my views of good men have evolved.

Artist: Giulia Rosa

Now of course I was only hearing one side of the story, I don’t know Common’s or Erykah’s point of view, but I felt like it was so mature of both men to discuss it with each other and I never heard of the two of them having an issue with each other. And if what Andre said was true then Common didn’t push Erykah to talk to him. He decided to do it. And I cannot think that Andre be the type of man to have resentment towards the mother of his child or a man who just wants to clear the air. He has always presented himself as being very laid back and reserved (I feel like Andre would be good friend to have). I even read one time that when Outkast started getting all their hype and recognition, he didn’t get into the loud lifestyle of alcohol, women, and overly gaudy spending. He’s also been said not to entertain groupies or like the attention of any pretty face and he lives a lowkey life. I love that about a man. Especially the men who are able to discipline themselves when there is a bevy to gorgeous women at their disposal. Just because a pretty girl is willing to give it up to you, doesn’t mean you should give into it.

And guys, I think this is where many women have their concerns, don’t be a man who is open to anyone, be a man who is selective and whom is mature enough to express yourself without deflecting, gaslighting, or insulting a woman…especially not with the woman you are interested in. — Please don’t shoot the messenger. Be safe out there.

Against The Odds

I had to add a response after getting several message regarding the guy I mentioned in the audio.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. This one is a little longer because I mentioned some personal things that is not written in the content, **Not an intimate man in my life, but a man in my life is brought up.

Most of you think I'm always dressed to the nines, trust me, when I write these things I'm usually in sleep clothes or an oversized t-shirt. Although, I have gotten comfortable with wearing sweatpants outside the house. And I do not really go out often, contrary to popular beliefs. Yes, after a long day or week, I have some go-to places I like to visit, but I don't really make plans to make a night of it. I just like to have a drink in social atmospheres. When I run into people I know, I do stay out longer, but initially my intentions are normally to have 2 drinks and go home. I am very much a square. And I'm sure whoever I get involved with will appreciate that I'm not a woman who's always about town. Which leads me to this topic…

I am generally in front of my laptop 8-14 hours a day. I started setting up alarms on my phone to remind me to step away from the screen so my eyes can readjust.

So some of you ladies have voiced your disappointment for me because you feel that I encourage infidelity. How you interpret my words is most likey based on what you've already predetermined about men, relationships, and possibly me. So I'll relay the same message again…

Many times I’ll say that what a man does when I’m not around is not a major concern for me, BUT it will become an issue if what he does negatively impacts my health, my stability, and my overall happiness. I generally keep all this vague because I want you to interpret it in your own way that works for you, because what works for me may not be something you agree with. — We don't have to agree to be happy with our relationships or ourselves.

No, I’m not saying it’s okay for a man to cheat his partner, I don't ever condone that. What I am saying is that a man has to be consistent in securing his partner and still making her feel valued, wanted, cherished, and loved no matter what he does especially if he wants to keep the relationship going. Reassuring a woman is a unique skill and when a man is able to do this, everything and anyone else is just background noise. Furthermore, not every man is capable of managing his behavior and his emotions when it comes to other women in his life and this is what causes conflicts with the main woman in his life. Many times when men go out and do whatever it's not because they are missing something with the woman he's already with, it's more often because someone else wants him and men find it appealing to be wanted, it feeds their pride and egos. Some act on it. Some don't. *More in the audio.

These are what my nights usually look like. Food in bed, a book, and tv on in the background.

Even though 2 people come together in a relationship, they are still 2 separate people who have their own thoughts and opinions. Yes, there will be some similarities, but they are still 2 different people, not clones of each other. So there are elements of their lives that won't directly involve the other. Again, I don’t advocate or support men to act against the love and commitment towards their partner, I more encourage women to not solely focus on what is not happening in front of them and instead focus on how the man treats them and makes them feel. Your life cannot revolve around one person because then you become dependent on them for your happiness. Whether you are married, dating, or just casually involved with someone, if you only look to that person for your own validation then you will always have an issue anytime they are not around you.

If I am involved with someone, no matter what the status of our relationship is, there are still some proprietary elements that I want protected which includes my heart and my health. My main gripe is when I don’t know my place with a man and he doesn't make it clear, instead he plays on my emotions and makes me feel like I’m wrong when I speak on what bothers me. *More in the audio.

I strive be in bed/sleeping between 8p-10p each night.

I am usually very laid back and go with the flow. I'm very much a “guy's girl” in the sense that I like going to bars, I watch sports, I talk shit, and I'm not stuck up or hard to approach, but if I'm fooling with you in any type of way and you try to challenge my intelligence and rationale, then that's the shit that will trigger a very ugly side of my attitude.

Don’t let what you do out there negatively effect what we have going on over here. Don’t let people out there try to influence you to act differently with me. And lastly, don’t do shit in front of me that you know will be a problem.

This doesn't mean I promote infidelity, this encourages a man to maintain a level of respect for his woman by keeping the nonsense away from her, because that's what most of you are worried about right? Is having to deal with any nonsense a man causes, but if it never comes to your attention or if he's still on top of make you feel number one, then what's the problem?

Enjoy your life and if you have someone, enjoy your life with them, but don’t get caught up in the “What if he’s doing something when I’m not around?” Focus on the “What he’s doing right here, right now, right in front of you.” — A good man is going to always make you feel valued and cherish even when you’re not seeing eye to eye, he is still not going to let any outside factors come between the two of you. Love that about him. *More in the audio.

Don't Give Everyone Access (RECAP)

NEW: Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

I wrote, Don’t Give Everyone Access in July 2020. And for whatever reason, ever since it’s been published it has been the most viewed each month. I do not know what's drawing people to it, I did not reveal any hidden secrets about life. I just talked about being aware of who is deserving of your time. I also mentioned that sometimes people need more time to become better versions of themselves and that the best way to do that is to give each other the separate space to grow. I gave an example of people falling apart and coming back together as better people, better friends, better partners. But I did advise that not everyone who goes in different directions are destined to come back together. Sometimes people grow apart and stay apart.

I attended a wedding recently 💍. My friend who got married reconnected with an old boyfriend after not seeing each other for several years and obviously they both became better lovers. They each had time to grow separately and figure out what they wanted in a relationship and after reconnecting and spending time together, they decided that being together is right for them. I am beyond happy for the newlyweds and the wedding was perfect. THE DETAILS! THE FCKN DETAILS! I FCKN LOVE MY FRIEND. She had 5ft tall letters that spelled out their names, she had floral wall installations for photo opportunities for her guest, and each seat at the table had goodies such a our names in acrylic cutouts, and since the husband is a DJ, the placemats were in the shape of vinyl records with a photo of the bride and groom in the center. I could go on and on about the visuals. OH AND HER RING!!! OMG HER RING!!! And her husband is so amazing and absolutely loves her, they’ve been together a few years so I’ve come to love him just as much as I love her. At the reception, he was encouraging us girls to get together because it's been too long since we all hung out. And I know he said this because he knows how much his wife cherishes her friendships. - Yes, sir we will make it happen! 🥰These two are the definition of falling apart and coming back together even better. And I am so happy my friend gave it another chance. 💝

On the other hand, another person I knew was in and out of a fling with a man for many years. Even though he would give her the impression he wanted a relationship with her, he never made it official, never asked her to be his girlfriend, and never claimed her as such to anyone. So the last time I was made aware of her reconnecting with him, he came back married and she continued to entertain him 🤬! Of course this goes against my own personal morals, but what really made me decide to distance myself from this woman was how she completely had no regard for the wife and said, “I don’t care how she feels. She took what I wanted.” after I asked her a question in hopes she would realize that what she’s doing is wrong. 😲😡 I. Was. Disgusted.

It toiled in my gut the next 24 hours. I was hurt, disappointed, and shocked at this person who speaks of women's empowerment, independence, strength, and support, but yet she wasn't fully exercising this in her personal life. I knew I could never look at her the same way. I never met the man, but anytime she would give me a recap of their conversations and time together, I knew what he was doing. 🙄 And I’m sure he knew it too. She made it all to easy for him to keep circling back around to her without offering anything substantial, but she always tried to defend her decisions by saying they are leading to a relationship or they talked about a relationship or that he did something to keep her hopeful; I saw through that too. I don’t know what their situation or status is as of today, I haven't spoken to the woman in over 2 years and at that time I remember thinking to myself, “God isn't going to bless her with a good husband.” Today, I still have no intention to be close friends with someone who romanticizes a future with a married man.

My wedding look - Dress: ShopMicas.com | Blazer: Valentino

I know women who are only interested in being with married men because of the noncommittal aspect of it and they just have fun with the men without anything too serious. I don’t agree with this either, but I understand it more than wanting to take a man from his wife or fanaticizing a life with him.

In this woman’s particular scenario, she wasn’t having fun. Her plans for him almost seemed premeditated. She should have never given that man so much access to her because each time he came back around, he expected her to let him back into her life — and she did without fail claiming to want closure and answers on why he keeps stringing her along. No, they didn't have any children together or have any shared common property. They were just two separate people who took advantage of each other’s willingness and lack of rationale. I was exhausted with it. If they at least had 1 child together, I may have been a little more empathetic, but no, it was just her having issues taking care of herself and trying to validate her own self value and him with several kids, different women, and a marriage that may or may not have been having issues; I think this was his 2nd marriage….Hmmm, I sense a pattern with that man. How about you? — Yeah, I too love it when men lie to me to keep me close to them. 🙄 Stupid. 😒 But to be honest, it is a good feeling to think you're the only one he wants even if it’s not all the way true.

When a man doesn't really value you he’s going to use you fill any voids he has and make you believe that by including you he sees you for everything you are when really you're just everything for the moment to him. You shouldn't allow him that privilege. Some may say it's best to live for the moment, I agree but only to a certain extent. Because if you keep having the moments where you’re intertwined in each others social life and personal life and nothing comes of it then you have a laundry list of, “What that hell am I doing?”

Although, this wasn’t the only reason I stopped all communication with the woman. After that last conversation, I reflected back on our friendship and I realized there were way too many times I tried to coax her out of whatever rut she was in and coddled her self-esteem issues. I didn't know it while I was in it, but that friendship was draining a lot of my energy and with the married man to top it all off, I just needed to step away and stay away. I don’t wish anything ill on people, I hope that woman is doing what's best and finds or has happiness. I just cannot have someone in my immediate circle who is motivated on hurting someone or has malicious intent for their own gain.

I’m my initial post in 2020, I listed things people can take from you:

  • Your energy

  • Your confidence

  • Your hard work

  • Your finances

  • Your rewards

  • YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

but I want to add these three:

  • Your time

  • Your values

  • Your good judgment

Without realizing it, people can change you for the worst because you see the good in them, because you are close to them, because you want to understand them, because they depend on you, because you want to be there for them. But people can really suck the life out of you and then you have nothing to give to yourself. If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us, but that’s no excuse to deplete yourself in order to appease someone else.

Everyone doesn't have access to me and can’t have access to me because I won’t allow it. My personal time, my personal space, my personal growth, my personal healing is just what is stated…personal. And guess what, you don’t have to get personal with everyone you know.

Stay Unbroken

NEW - Don’t feel like reading? Listen to the audio instead. 🔊

DISCLAIMER: This post is just for laughs. Please do not take any content seriously.

Ladies, here are sure fire ways to keep from getting your heart broken.

Shirt is from a Woman Owned Small Business in Philadelphia, PA - forthejawns.com

  1. If he sends you a text message and you instantly start smiling when you see his name, ABORT MISSION and BLOCK HIM! Those are feelings coming to surface and you don’t have time for feelings! 🙃

  2. If he asks you to come hang out with just him, DON’T DO IT!! It's a trap. You'll end up having a good time, you’ll start liking his company and then when he’s not available, you’re going to wonder if he’s out with another heffa. 😳

  3. If he comments on how soft your skin looks, GIRL JUST WALK AWAY and don’t let him touch nothing on you! 🚫

  4. If he calls you Beautiful or uses other terms of endearment like Babe or Baby Girl, RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK! Those are ‘warming her up’ terms and we don’t need that nonsense!🏃🏽‍♀️

  5. If he asks you about your day, DON’T RESPOND. He’s trying see where he can fit into that day. 👀

  6. If he tells you to come over because he made dinner, STAY HOME! You’ll wake up the next morning wearing his t-shirt. 🥴

  7. If he says, “You’re good people.” IT’S A MIND TRICK! What he’s really saying is that you probably are good at keeping secrets and not telling people you’re fooling around so he can tell people nothing is going on between you two. 😵‍💫

  8. If you catch him looking at you and doesn’t say anything ACT STUPID like you didn’t notice him lusting on you because if you engage in whatever he is thinking about you’ll be undoing your bra strap for him later than night! 🙈

  9. If he asks you, “Why are you running from me?” when you keep ducking his advances, that’s him trying to smoothly assert his dominance and ladies we all do get a weakness for those dominate men. DON’T FALL FOR IT! 😵

  10. If you need some handy work done around the house and he offers to come over to help, B*TCH CALL A HANDY MAN and let that man stay his ass home. If he comes over to start fixing things, he’ll make his way to fixing you! 🙉

Again this is just for laughs. At the end of the day, you are in control of who gets in your bed or whose bed you wake up in. And honestly, all those things above sound appealing, but I am not open to having anyone play with my time and my emotions. I give too much for someone not to give the same back. I recall someone said to me, “It’s always all about YOU.” — I had to really pause on that and try to reflect back on anytime I DIDN’T compromise or make adjustments to make THAT person more comfortable, but yet I guess it wasn’t good enough since they tried to gaslight me like their action were always justified…which they weren’t. That statement really bothered me and hurt my feelings, but it was a while ago and water under the bridge now. That person obviously didn’t pay attention to who I am and most likely didn't value me, but ironically only thought about what they wanted from me.

Moving on. Again, you are in control of who you entertain. There is no perfect person which means there is no perfect relationship or connection. And on a serious note, if you look passed the red flags or lower your standards below your comfort levels for someone, you're really opening yourself to be hurt. Although, pain does teach us valuable lessons. Have fun, but be mindful.