To Be A H*e Or Not To Be A H*e?

“Sometimes we gotta do bald-headed hoe sht.” - (😂 My friends just say anything to me, but I was never one of the girls who was grinding on a man at the club. Or bending over to shake my a**. This generation is the generation that seeks validation on being seen and the men want to be treated like women.)

Some of my friends are starting to get on me about putting myself out there. I told them I went on a few dates some months ago, but I guess that doesn’t count because I really wasn’t into to who idea in the first place. But, my thing is, WHAT AM I PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE FOR? Half these men come with bullsh*t while the other half want to take advantage of that fact that I am busy and laidback. Okay, just because I do not have a lot of time to spare and that I am very easy-going doesn’t mean I’m just going to accepted any type of treatment. Now remember one of the gems that my friend told me to start putting into my daily affirmations? “I AM THE CATCH” ‼️ So yeah, you’re not going to treat me as if I’m a second-hand discounted option.

The Effort Series

This was taken in 2015. If nothing else, one thing I’ll always do is show some THIGHS & LEGSSSS!

I prefer someone who I’m comfortable with, who knows my personality, who won’t get upset when I’m not available, who I can go grab food with or cook with, and someone who I can just sit with and enjoy his company even if we aren’t doing anything. I feel like that’s simple, but it may still be a tall ask for some men. Remember when I was mentioning the guy I refer to as “Poppa” and how when we want to be alone, we kind of shut off the world around us and it can seem like we are being distant when really, that’s just how we like to decompress sometimes and reflect on things. I don’t want a guy to misinterpret that and think I’m off doing something with another man, yes I do have guys friends and I do hang out with them time to time, but if I am being intimate with you, then you are the only person I am intimate with. Like, I would love for a man to come volunteering with me or meet some of my mentees and give them some wisdom for his perspective. 👀

The question is, should I put myself out there and entertain multiple men? One of my friends told me that if a man isn’t asking me to be his girlfriend that I need to go all dates with all the different men who are interest in me. But I feel like that brings down my stock. And the more ahead in life I am, the more my stock goes up. If I make myself available to any man then what does that say about my value? 👎

In my eyes, to be intimate with someone is also to be very vulnerable with them, physically and emotionally. And I am very strict about who I am vulnerable with. Plus, do you ladies remember when I talked about our pH Balance and how sexual partners effect that? Yeah, I like my pretty kitty to be healthy. 💦 As of right now, I could drive 30 minutes to an hour away from my front door and I can count LESS than five fingers how many men I have been intimate with. Listen, I take pride in that; my Hello Kitty is precious, any man who has had the privilege to lay with me should feel special, because I don’t just give it up to any one. 💦

So no, by today’s definition, I cannot be a hoe. I’ll sit and spark up a conversation with anyone, but not anyone can have me. So if you were to see me sitting next to a man laughing and enjoying my time, it doesn’t not mean I am sleeping with him or have a romantic interest in him. I think that’s the main reason I like hanging out with my guy friends because with them, I have a male presence, they enjoy me and I enjoy them, but nothing occurs after the night is over.

And I do not have anything against women being sexually free with men, you know what you want. Especially with how social conventions have shifted with the boom of social media apps and reality tv, everyone wants to be seen and exposed and they always want to show what they are doing or tell their friends about it. That’s all fine and dandy, but hey, I know what I want too and that’s not how I want to be. I have a great social personality, but for the most part, I like to be more simple and low-key, so the hoe life ain’t for me. 😶‍🌫️

You Don't Like Complex

Happy Tip: Any time you are sad, give yourself time to be sad, but try not to dwell too long, sadness can cripple you (sometimes when I'm sad, I won’t leave my house for days and not want to be around people, but I have to remind myself, life is still moving and I need to move too). Learn to groove into other emotions by switching to happier topics or thinking of things that boost your energy and serotonin levels.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Artist: Giulia Rosa (I love this artist’s expressions of love and sex)

You ladies have voiced a lot of your grievances about men over the years. Men do not see their own bullsh*t sometimes. And they always try to make excuses for lacking. I came up with a simple message for men who think they are adequate…I know some of the men are going to dislike this, but hear us out:

You do not like someone with baggage, who maybe has previous trauma, children or a career that will get in the way of giving all her attention to you. You want someone to always be available for you, but want her to understand when you cannot be available for her. You don’t want someone who is complex because then you will feel pressured to think and do things that you are not capable of doing. You think you want a strong woman, but when her strength challenges your abilities, you create barriers against her and try to make her seem like the problem. You like the idea of her, but you have not dug into your own flaws and setbacks to realize that you are not ready for everything she comes with. She doesn’t need you to be perfect, she just wants you stand by her and face the world with optimism, determination, prosperity, and love for her.

We have to be honest with ourselves and what we can handle right now, but don’t think that any involvement you have with anyone isn’t going to get difficult. What is more important is how you handle the difficulties; you either face them or run from them. And no matter what decision you make…every action has an equal or opposite reaction.

To the men who are single, live your best single life, but keep this in mind…if there is a woman around you who is of a certain stature and you do things that makes her think a little differently of you, she isn't going to automatically forget her image of you just because you tell her it’s not what it looks like or its not what it seems. This is the difference between a man who is cognizant and a man who isn't self aware. Behave how you believe yourself to be. I know that may be lost to some of you. — Let’s say you and I are friends and you tell me you don't go out often and don’t like to be out all night, but every other weekend you’re out partying it up. Huh? Or if you tell me you don’t have anything going on with someone, but I happen to see you getting very cozy with someone, how am I supposed to think of that? Either you are with someone, starting something with someone, or you just let anyone get cozy with you.

Artist: Giulia Rosa

Hey, I'm single and I hang out and I meet people, but I’m still aware of how things could be perceived by the people around me. Even when I step out to my favorite places, most of the people know my face so I am not going to get affectionate with anyone I am not sleeping with or who I do not know very well. I’m not going to put my arm around anyone or press my body against them or act in a suggestive way with them. - Now I told you I hung out with one of my guy friends before Thanksgiving, right? Remember, I barely see him, but we catch up like once a year and when we were hanging out, we went to the place he usually goes to and throughout the evening he did keep hugging me and kissed my head a few times, but the way he did it was more like, this is my friend, I have love for her and I am enjoying her company. His behavior wasn’t inappropriate at all. So say if there was another guy hanging out with us who was interested in me, he would not think there was anything going on between my friend and I because of how we both conducted ourselves.

If you like a woman, don't give her the impression you're interested in someone else. Don’t act like a man who seems to share himself with everybody, that is not appealing. I don’t want what everyone else has or can have. But if you like ME, do small things like asking how I am, or what my weekend plans are, get into what I’m saying, or better yet make a point to see me and be the man you believe yourself to be. I know I’ve said before that I don't like not knowing where I stand with a man, YOU ARE THE MAN, set the tone for this otherwise I’m just going to chalk it up as you're not interested or I'm not your type.

Here’s a quick story. The big radio station in Philadelphia is “Power99”. And years ago Wendy Williams had a syndicated radio show. You may know Wendy as the talk show host, but I remember her from her radio days and I actually like her more then. I didn’t really watch her talk show that much, but when she was on the radio, I tuned in everyday! One time, Andre Benjamin was on her show, he’s also known as Andre 3000 or the other half of Outkast. Around that time he already had a son with Erykah Badu, but he told the story of how Common (who was just starting to become known) came to him and let him know that he and Erykah started seeing each other. And I think it was a bit of commotion because Andre and Erykah were still somewhat involved. But as Andre was telling the story, he was very clam, cool, and collected, it did not sound like there was animosity, he almost seem like he was appreciative that Common came to him to let him know that he didn’t mean any disrespect, he just wanted it to be known that he started seeing Erykah. I remember listening to this and thinking highly of both men and identifying the uncommon qualities that not all men possess, like being a man of honor. Again this was many years ago so you can just image how my views of good men have evolved.

Artist: Giulia Rosa

Now of course I was only hearing one side of the story, I don’t know Common’s or Erykah’s point of view, but I felt like it was so mature of both men to discuss it with each other and I never heard of the two of them having an issue with each other. And if what Andre said was true then Common didn’t push Erykah to talk to him. He decided to do it. And I cannot think that Andre be the type of man to have resentment towards the mother of his child or a man who just wants to clear the air. He has always presented himself as being very laid back and reserved (I feel like Andre would be good friend to have). I even read one time that when Outkast started getting all their hype and recognition, he didn’t get into the loud lifestyle of alcohol, women, and overly gaudy spending. He’s also been said not to entertain groupies or like the attention of any pretty face and he lives a lowkey life. I love that about a man. Especially the men who are able to discipline themselves when there is a bevy to gorgeous women at their disposal. Just because a pretty girl is willing to give it up to you, doesn’t mean you should give into it.

And guys, I think this is where many women have their concerns, don’t be a man who is open to anyone, be a man who is selective and whom is mature enough to express yourself without deflecting, gaslighting, or insulting a woman…especially not with the woman you are interested in. — Please don’t shoot the messenger. Be safe out there.

Alfa Men

Apparently my last post sparked a lot of interest from you ladies. I received an abundance of emails sharing your experience with younger men. 👀😳 I’ll share your stories on the Members Only reads.

A few of you mentioned my distain about being called high maintenance and agreed that it’s the younger mindset that has not experienced enough of life or earn enough money to develop certain preferences on how you like to live. I also hate the word “boujie” which is not even a formal English word. It stems from the French term, bourgeois and bourgeoisie which means to be materialistic. — Ok, I’m materialistic for having expensive purses and shoes, but a man isn't materialistic for having luxury cars and watches? 😒 Everyone lives within their means, I’m not asking you to live within mine, and I’m not looking down on you for not living the same way, so don’t call me high maintenance or boujie.

And almost all of you agreed with me when I said the younger men Are Not Afraid To Tell You They Want You. They’ll tell you they miss you, they want to see you, shower you with so many compliments and yeah, sometimes kiss you unexpectedly; which is such the ALFA Man energy that's appreciated.

I like for a man to be masculine, dominate, and has the qualities of an ALFA, but I also love it when he has a soft spot for me and gives me reassurance, warmth, and comfort. That he doesn't care what his friends say or think if he shows me affection or special attention, because he wants me to know that I’m important to him.

ALFA men take charge of a situation with fineness and then don’t make the women they are sweet on feel unappreciated. Although, with that being said, ALFA men are still human and will still make mistakes, say or do the wrong things, the difference is they learn and make up for it. They are a different pedigree of men, but they are still men, so let’s not expect them to do everything perfectly. The one thing I do expect is for a man to make an effort. — Still saving my precious until I feel confident of a man. 😼

Through a few articles I’ve read, here are some common characteristics of an ALFA Male:

1. He’s courageous - No fearless, but courageous. We all have insecurities and fears that we cannot control, but the alpha male is able to still move on in a particular direction in spite of his fears. He may be afraid that his new business will fail, but that won’t stop him from trying. He may be concerned that the beautiful woman sitting by herself at the bar won’t want to speak to him, but he’ll still introduce himself and if she declines, he doesn’t make a scene over it.

2. He can control his emotions - We all react differently to certain things or people in our lives. The alpha male will react by taking a series of deep breaths and evaluating his next best action, he won’t lash out emotionally and dig himself a grave. — Again, he is not perfect and may still have slipups here and there.

3. He has a purpose - He is clear about his goals. The alpha male always has a purpose, he knows his direction and remains focused. — This may come with further age and experience, but he rarely just floats around aimlessly.

4. He’s not afraid to make decisions - The fear of making decisions is actually a fear of dealing with the consequences of making the wrong decision. This stems from the courage we covered in number 1 above, but it deserves its own number because people recognize decision makers. And they identify them as leaders. And alpha males are not afraid to lead.

5. He’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind - People have grown overly sensitive. All too often we don’t say what we’re really thinking. Maybe we’re afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. Or maybe we’re afraid of starting a confrontation. The alpha male still says he part, his terms and tone may differ depending on who is is speaking to, but he still says it.

6. He doesn’t let any one thing rule his life - Some people become consumed by their careers. Others are consumed by their relationships. When this happens, everything else starts to fall apart. Their health declines, their career declines, and their relationships are ruined. The alpha male recognizes that life must be balanced. Work, love, health, and friends are all essential areas that must be cultivated in order to maintain a strong lifestyle across the board.

7. He’s not afraid to say “no” - People will ask you for favors in life. And if the benefit of the favor to the other person outweighs the cost of doing the favor to you, then it should be done. But these costs and benefits should be measured. The alpha male is not a pushover. He doesn’t blindly oblige to the whims and requests of others. If his boss asks him to stay late, but he has plans elsewhere, then he kindly says “no” and moves on. He doesn’t feel the need to explain himself either because he’s looking out for his best interests. Selfishness is underrated. I’m not saying to be a selfish asshole, but if we all looked out for ourselves, then we’d all be much better off.

8. He acknowledges his weaknesses - (this one is very important to me) If you’re blind to your weaknesses then you’re setting yourself up for failure. They will continue to undermine you at every step of your life until they’re addressed and improved. It doesn’t matter if it’s a categorical weakness like being bad with women or a character weakness like being impatient, the alpha male doesn’t get depressed about having a weakness. And he doesn’t deny it out of a sense of pride. Instead he realizes that he’s lacking, and he moves to fix it.

9. He is particular about his appearance and posture - Well-groomed people make a great first impression. Alpha men are very particular about how they present themselves. They maintain personal hygiene, wear good clothes, and make sure they look their best. They are confident individuals and use their body language to their advantage. Standing straight, keeping the chin up, proper eye contact, firm handshake — these come naturally to the alpha male while interacting with people.

10. He has a great sense of humor - (I absolutely love a good sense of humor in people) One of the biggest strengths of an alpha male is his sense of humor. He doesn’t get offended if people make fun of him. Instead, he spins the situation in his favor by laughing at himself. He can make light of even his most humiliating failure because he considers it a learning experience. A silly joke has no effect on his sense of self-worth.

But keep in mind there is such an idea of being TOO ALFA where a man just doesn’t show any softness or grace, he also should have a balanced percentage of BETA characteristics. 💗

The Makings of a Perfect Lover

I use the term Lover a bit loosely without giving you my definition behind it. Some of my friends laugh at me because they believe it is an old English term, but I think it’s useful and has its purposes. A Lover is the blurry area between a friend, boyfriend and husband. And no one is asked to be a Lover, you kind of just fall into the the title.

Bare with me, this can get confusing….

Let’s start with the basics. Everything begins a friendship and what’s a friendship? — A companion you have some things in common with and enjoy sharing time and having conversations with. And even within friendships, there is an element of loyalty and commitment, wouldn’t you say? With a boyfriend or husband there is an automatic defined commitment, yes? With a Lover, it’s not as clear cut. At this point you may be thinking of a more modern term such as being in a “Situationship” with someone…no, a Lover does have some firm definition within its own ambiguity.

A Lover is a friend, but a Lover is not a boyfriend. A Lover keeps the foundation of loyalty in the sense of he is still considering your thoughts and feelings to a certain point. A Lover may or may not show up for special occasions or troubled occasions, but if he is a true friend, he will if he is able to or he will at least give you a call/text to see how your are. For those around you, your relationship with your Lover may look like different things to them — that you two are great friends, that you two are completely fond of each other, or both. And no, a Lover has no obligation to you like a boyfriend, but he still has a soft spot for you and cares for you deeply.

Let me give you a scenario.

If I am in a crowed room with my Lover, we did not arrive together, he does not have to fawn over me, but he does give me slightly more attention than anyone else in the room as if he were an admirer. He may converse with other people, but he keeps a close eye on me. And he doesn’t do anything suggestive with other women in front of me that might get me upset or sway me to distance myself from him. We also don’t have to leave together, I may leave before him, he may leave before me, but he does ensure I get to my vehicle or that I get home safely. And if I do exit before him and he stays behind, his thoughts of me still remain intact in a way that he may now give more attention to other women, but they are still not getting the same treatment as I do. You see where this is starting to get confusing?

Ultimately, a man makes himself a Lover. A Lover will have to make his own judgment calls when I am around and when I am not around. Is he looking for a new woman to share in his affections or is he still infatuated with me? He may not share with people the details of our arrangement, but he also doesn’t downplay it for others, for example, everyone knows there is something between us, but no one knows exactly what. And if we are at odds, will it skew his actions with other women? Will he call someone else to give him special company? And will he still value the foundation of our friendship?

Perfection is a fantasy word and the unfortunate part about a Lover is that he may NOT be a Lover to you tomorrow because there is not commitment of longevity, but that’s where you have to separate the emotions and have mature conversations about what is changing between the two of you.

Be Good

A friend shared this on her LinkedIn feed. — Read it, digest it, and think for a moment.

The man, Adam Grant, who shared it on his own feed received a lot of mixed feedback. Comments advocating that sometimes people have good reason for not being kind to certain people in order to protect themselves, while others argue that no matter how/who the person is, you should still remain a good for your own inner peace…I am one of those people. (Below is my input with another friend’s response to me.)

There is a saying that goes, “Hurt people hurt people.” — There is a lot of truth in that saying. Ever notice when someone is mad, they say things out of anger and sometimes it’s not the nicest things? Or when you are still affected by what someone did to you there is still a sense discouragement towards them. There is a point where you just have to let that go. When you have bad feelings, it constrains you and turns you into someone you don’t favor. It may not seem like it, but there is a element of sadness in your thoughts, your words, and your actions when your are not kind to someone.

The same friend also shared another thought and I feel like the sentiments are related…

Here is her caption:

“This is true for both women and men. If you don't think what you say and do affects people, you are wrong. How you treat someone has an impact on them.

With relationships this is very accurate. You and your partner share a personal mental space and within that mental space is where your words and actions can make your partner feel great, loved, and appreciated or avoided, neglected and alone.”

Going back to the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” Let’s think about this, a hurt person will either lash out or go silent and in return it hurts the other person involved. — A vicious cycle of unspoken emotions and truths. And sometimes you have to decide that if someone keeps acting like they want to lose you or that your presence is not important to them, then maybe they just need to lose you.

 
 

Recovery 2021

*Comments have temporarily been disabled.

2021….what can I say. I don’t remember part of you and what I do remember either makes me smile or makes me wonder, WTF?!

If you read any of my previous posts, you have a general idea of what I went through recently, if not, here is a recap: I had some health issues and after I made the decision to get myself better, there were some setbacks with residing side effects.

Recovery is a time you take to rediscover what makes you happy. And since the beginning of November I’ve been doing just that. I may have lost about a few months of this year due to an unfortunate mishap, but the silver lining is that it was only a few months and not a few years and what is lost will either stay lost and it's what’s best or what's lost will be found again and I gain clarity from it. Regardless of the possibilities, I still have to keep living every day knowing how blessed I am.

This is my renewed policy: I am going to joke, I am going to laugh, I am going to smile, I am going to toast, I am going to dress, I am doing to dance, and I am going to enjoy every moment I have.

AND, I am no longer going to feel bad for being forgiving, understanding, compassionate, and overwilling to make others feel comfortable. But, I am going to be very strict with my goals and my standards. There is something I want to accomplished in the next 4-5 years and even through the fun, I’m not going to allow any distractions. And If I see or witness something I don’t like, I’m not waiting for any explanations, I’m just going to move around it.

I am in full VIXEN mode….an untouchable vixen…who who builds, manages, and maintains her own conglomerate. If anyone cannot take the pressure, find the exit.

I’m a great person, that will never change. It’s my core. I love people. I protect people. But I am going to start taking myself away from people who don’t appreciate all that I am. I don’t plan on hurting anyone’s feelings or pride, but I’m not going to hurt myself either.

2021 may have erased some things, but it reminded me of a lot. So no matter what this new year brings, I am going to be all of me and then some. Of course no one can guarantee that it will be smooth sailing, life never worked that way, but shit, I’m still going to ride that boat through all the rough waves and storms. And any gentleman who wants to pursue me will need to be just that a gentleman…with a little edge. — And who isn’t afraid of me, who isn’t afraid to say it, who isn’t afraid to show it and who wants to build millions with me.

Where I want to be is with and around people who have the same gumption, discipline, and energy. Agree to disagree. — If something doesn’t work then restrategize, restructure, and refocus, but don’t run away and definitely don’t give up.

This is my affirmation. This is what I am putting out into the universe. And with this last week of 2021, I’m not doing anything too extravagant or over the top. I'm going to do my daily routines, head to my favorite coffee shop in the mornings and see some of my favorite bartenders in the evenings where some of the locals know me and usually drum up a little conversation with me. And before 10pm, I’ll be back in my little space, making myself a little snack and taking the night down with some tv. I don’t want to be out all hours of the night, I don’t want to go to any “hot spots”, I don’t want to be in any loud or overly crowded spaces. I’m a social person but I am not a social butterfly if that makes sense, in other words, I’m not a basic woman, but I do appreciate simplicity.