One night stand

Reader Question: “Raya, what do you think about one night stands? Have you ever had one?”

I chuckle as I’m trying to think of how to say this…

The last one night stand I had ended up being a 5-6 year thing. 😅 I really did not think I would ever see that man again, he was only in town for one more night when I met him and I went against all my “safe” decisions that whole evening….so yeah, I’m not the best person to speak on this topic.

For me, the one night stand thrill isn't my thing. Never was. But again, that one night I did everything out of the norm and ended making a long term acquaintance. — Won’t be doing that again.

Here's some stories from you about your one Night encounters….

The one story I cannot get over is the woman who said she ran into her one night stand the next day when he came to her place of business with his WIFE AND KIDS! 😲 — See, this is why I can't do things like that, a little mystery is good, but if you're the type of man to do things like that, just let the woman know so she can make her own decision. We're all grown, what's the worst that could happen if you tell the truth??? That she says no? 😒 I know for a fact there's plenty women who will still say yes, no matter what situation you're in. I'm not one of those women though, be safe out there kids. I may not want to be anyone’s wife right now and I may joke about indecent things or give grace towards my friends who do indecent things, but I am still of wife-caliber. Get it?

Read more at MEMBERS ONLY.

---

Appearing Acts

Ever have someone just pop up in your life unexpectedly. Someone new or maybe someone you've already met before who you haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time? But either way, they just appear and make you rethink so many things. - Things you never considered before, things you've avoided, or things that no one else has made you think about. Who was it, where is this person now, and what's his name? 😆🤣

I'm referring to the person as a man because it's usually someone of the male persona that gets us women outside of ourselves. Sometimes for good change and sometimes…well, just for change. Get it?

If you recall a recent post ‘Men Are Demons’ then you were introduced to my distain of when men just pop up and halt your whole world and then when you make adjustments for them, they turn around and act like they never asked you to do any of it. — No Sir, you did not ask me, but as a person who wanted to make you feel comfortable in my life and around me, I made changes to accommodate you. Here’s the thing, anytime there is someone in your life who you spend any time with, you are actively making changes because you are making space for them in your life, whether it is a temporary space or long term space, there are still actions you take to welcome them. And they should be doing the same for you especially if you both want to continue to be significant in each other’s lives. *There are people who need many special names in their phone; I only need 1 that keeps me company from time to time. For instance a man inviting a different woman out rather than inviting the same woman. What would be more foolish of the man is when the women know each other. At that point you’re dealing with someone that doesn’t have direction or still wants to live in his youth and hides behind the thought of “just being nice”.

Men Are Stupid

-

Men Are Stupid -

Women don’t have a problem submitting. You’re just not the one she wants to submit to.

I don’t always like surprises, but I like to be surprised, does that make sense? For instance when someone exceeds my expectations or does something I did not think that were capable of doing, or goes against what he would normally do just to see me smile. Like when I am having a bad day and there’s flowers at my door when I get home with a sweet note, or better yet, he’s shows up with dinner in hand. Or if I am out at happy hour and I feel a random hug embrace me or when he reaches out for my hand to help me out of a car, in a car, out of a chair, walking into a room…whatever. To be honest, lately my expectations for men are very low. I’ve seen so many versions of them that it’s hard to believe who they really are. They may behave one way with you, but then you see them shift with other people. And when you ask about it, they feel you are being invasive. — I’ve been told that when a man is fully for you, he won’t have you questioning your place in his mind or heart.

I think in all my years of witnessing men in different scenarios, there is no making sense in what they do or say, they just…exist. And sometimes they think they are doing something admirable, but in reality, it’s inconsiderate. You just have to figure out how their existence benefits your life when they casually stroll in to it. A man is an option, not a definition for a woman and once you realize that, you also realize your worth. There is always a lesson in everything, people can change you, You decide how that change develops.

---

Be Good

A friend shared this on her LinkedIn feed. — Read it, digest it, and think for a moment.

The man, Adam Grant, who shared it on his own feed received a lot of mixed feedback. Comments advocating that sometimes people have good reason for not being kind to certain people in order to protect themselves, while others argue that no matter how/who the person is, you should still remain a good for your own inner peace…I am one of those people. (Below is my input with another friend’s response to me.)

There is a saying that goes, “Hurt people hurt people.” — There is a lot of truth in that saying. Ever notice when someone is mad, they say things out of anger and sometimes it’s not the nicest things? Or when you are still affected by what someone did to you there is still a sense discouragement towards them. There is a point where you just have to let that go. When you have bad feelings, it constrains you and turns you into someone you don’t favor. It may not seem like it, but there is a element of sadness in your thoughts, your words, and your actions when your are not kind to someone.

The same friend also shared another thought and I feel like the sentiments are related…

Here is her caption:

“This is true for both women and men. If you don't think what you say and do affects people, you are wrong. How you treat someone has an impact on them.

With relationships this is very accurate. You and your partner share a personal mental space and within that mental space is where your words and actions can make your partner feel great, loved, and appreciated or avoided, neglected and alone.”

Going back to the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” Let’s think about this, a hurt person will either lash out or go silent and in return it hurts the other person involved. — A vicious cycle of unspoken emotions and truths. And sometimes you have to decide that if someone keeps acting like they want to lose you or that your presence is not important to them, then maybe they just need to lose you.

---

Don't Give Everyone Access: PT 2

First, A Reader Question: “Would you swap your current age to be in your 20s again?”

Me: Absolutely not. My 20s were great. It holds many reasons why I make the decisions I make today. Not everything in my 20s was all rainbows and sunshine, it was the dark days that remind me how I got through some tough battles. Even with my trials now, I have to keep telling myself,

What was yesterday is yesterday. You can carry it into today, but remember, what you keep carrying from each day puts more weight on you. We have to learn to process and talk about pain to let it go.

---

On to the topic….

This post from July 2020 for some reason keeps getting searched and it has the most views out of all my posts and I am not sure why? I’ve not written anything Noble Prize worthy, just an idea that not everyone should have all privileges to you, whether it be friend, family, or partner.

It is also a bit of a coincidence that this post is most popular because it fits my current mindset even more than previously. There are elements around me that I’m unsure of and I am taking my time to observe it all to decided what is right for me right now. You see the thing is, what you decide today may not be what you decide tomorrow. Everyday the mind changes, the heart changes, our needs change and we decide on what is best for us even it just in the moment. I may decide to give someone access to me this week and next week, I want to be left alone. — No, it may not be fair to the other person, in which case I still have to be aware of the decisions I make and how it may affect others.

Full post below.

---

Let’s talk a moment.

Let’s agree that not everyone is deserving to be around you. That doesn’t mean shutting people out completely, but rather being aware that there are people who are not for you and just want to take from you…

• Your energy

• Your confidence

• Your hard work

• Your finances

• Your rewards

• YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We all have an intuition and all of our intuitions tell us when someone is not right for us. Many of us do ignore this because we want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us.

Although, we have to accept that sometimes it takes people longer to be the best version of them and maybe they are the best they can be at this time, but that doesn’t mean you have to fully welcome them in your life. People can go through metamorphosis at any age, sometimes more than once. Love and care at a distance. You can still have a good heart and not fall victim to someone else’s demons.

• Years ago a friend and I fell out for reasons that are no longer important, we were at different places in our lives. Later on, he ended up getting very sick and a mutual friend called me to let me know what was going on. I hopped on the first flight out to see about my sick friend. We didn’t talk about why we stopped speaking to each other, we just carried on and caught up on the missed time and learned about the growth we both went through.

  • We needed to deny access to one another in order create different paths for ourselves and we became better friends after it because we became more willing to listen and understand each other better…and our fall out wasn’t a “be all, end all” we still had an abundance of love for each other. This doesn’t mean all relationships that dissolve will come back together, it just means that sometimes the difference between two people is the distance that needs to be had and what becomes of it afterwards depends on the pivotal points in your life.

I’ve said this many of times before, I want my peace more than I want attention. — I’m so comfortable with myself that I refuse to allow someone to destroy what I’ve created. Or exhaust my warmth to someone who won’t reciprocate my affections.

Many of us get into relationships (platonic or romantic) and make compromises which is expected, but when those compromises start to turn you into someone you don’t recognize, then there is a problem. LOVE is not folding every time just to make a person feel more comfortable, stable, or secure. LOVE is understanding each other’s weakness and helping to make them stronger. If your weakness is an element of insecurity and your partner doesn’t help you overcome that, then you are either misunderstanding who your partner/friend is OR this person is not the partner/friend for you. Yes, sometimes you also have to deny yourself access to people.

Not everyone is capable to travel with you in life. You are not blocking blessings by keeping people out, you are protecting yourself from being drained by someone or people you are unsure of. YES, let them prove they can stand by you and with you. Some people are there temporarily, some are there for the lesson. Then there are some people who need more time to reach you, give them that time, but keep your focus forward. YOU are the decider of your well being. And yes, it’s hard to separate yourself if you are a giver, but you have to grip on to what keeps you at peace. You cannot give if you are depleted. I am meticulous with how much energy I give and to whom I give it to and I change the levels when necessary.

You can interact with many people and still not allow all of them access to the whole you.

• I have at lease 5 different groups of friends, some from my past, some I met in passing, some I frequently see or interact with; all of them know a different part of me, some of them know a different version of me, but only a select few know all of me. — I made it that way.

I love and enjoy ALL of my friends and family, I appreciate that we are not the same. Each of them ignite different pieces of me, but I know all of them cannot, will not, or are not equipped to take the same road as me. It’s no one’s fault. It also wouldn’t be right of me to take (possibly carry) someone on a journey they are not ready for. Therefore, access to me remains selective and limited. I trust what I know about each person in my life…read that again.

Everyone doesn’t deserve access to you.

---

Recovery 2021

*Comments have temporarily been disabled.

2021….what can I say. I don’t remember part of you and what I do remember either makes me smile or makes me wonder, WTF?!

If you read any of my previous posts, you have a general idea of what I went through recently, if not, here is a recap: I had some health issues and after I made the decision to get myself better, there were some setbacks with residing side effects.

Recovery is a time you take to rediscover what makes you happy. And since the beginning of November I’ve been doing just that. I may have lost about a few months of this year due to an unfortunate mishap, but the silver lining is that it was only a few months and not a few years and what is lost will either stay lost and it's what’s best or what's lost will be found again and I gain clarity from it. Regardless of the possibilities, I still have to keep living every day knowing how blessed I am.

This is my renewed policy: I am going to joke, I am going to laugh, I am going to smile, I am going to toast, I am going to dress, I am doing to dance, and I am going to enjoy every moment I have.

AND, I am no longer going to feel bad for being forgiving, understanding, compassionate, and overwilling to make others feel comfortable. But, I am going to be very strict with my goals and my standards. There is something I want to accomplished in the next 4-5 years and even through the fun, I’m not going to allow any distractions. And If I see or witness something I don’t like, I’m not waiting for any explanations, I’m just going to move around it.

I am in full VIXEN mode….an untouchable vixen…who who builds, manages, and maintains her own conglomerate. If anyone cannot take the pressure, find the exit.

I’m a great person, that will never change. It’s my core. I love people. I protect people. But I am going to start taking myself away from people who don’t appreciate all that I am. I don’t plan on hurting anyone’s feelings or pride, but I’m not going to hurt myself either.

2021 may have erased some things, but it reminded me of a lot. So no matter what this new year brings, I am going to be all of me and then some. Of course no one can guarantee that it will be smooth sailing, life never worked that way, but shit, I’m still going to ride that boat through all the rough waves and storms. And any gentleman who wants to pursue me will need to be just that a gentleman…with a little edge. — And who isn’t afraid of me, who isn’t afraid to say it, who isn’t afraid to show it and who wants to build millions with me.

Where I want to be is with and around people who have the same gumption, discipline, and energy. Agree to disagree. — If something doesn’t work then restrategize, restructure, and refocus, but don’t run away and definitely don’t give up.

This is my affirmation. This is what I am putting out into the universe. And with this last week of 2021, I’m not doing anything too extravagant or over the top. I'm going to do my daily routines, head to my favorite coffee shop in the mornings and see some of my favorite bartenders in the evenings where some of the locals know me and usually drum up a little conversation with me. And before 10pm, I’ll be back in my little space, making myself a little snack and taking the night down with some tv. I don’t want to be out all hours of the night, I don’t want to go to any “hot spots”, I don’t want to be in any loud or overly crowded spaces. I’m a social person but I am not a social butterfly if that makes sense, in other words, I’m not a basic woman, but I do appreciate simplicity.

---

HER

*Comments have temporarily been disabled.

For any woman (or man) who has ever doubted herself, felt lonely, went unappreciated, was lied to, disappointed, had self-esteem issues, lacked confidence, just know it’s a phase and you will get through it. So far I’ve went through this phase three times in life, and I am still pulling myself through the current one.

I seem to have these moments anytime there is a major life change where I have to make some big decisions for myself.

There is no easy way to climb out of feelings of depression and the only thing to do is decide whether this is how you want to be for the rest of your life. With the recent battle, it wasn’t just my health that set me back, although it was a major contribution, I also realized I was not “happy” for a long time. From what memories I still have, I do remember that I smiled, laughed, and hung out with people, but internally I wasn’t really present. — I was just going through the motions.

When the pandemic shutdown in March 2020 began, I shut myself in. Work didn't change for me, it just had it's challenges. My friend groups were all being cautious, so I didn't see much of them, and I didn't get to travel as much as I’m used to. So the pandemic did force some changes that hindered me a little. Towards the 3rd quarter of the year, I began to get back out, although against my better judgment and that's when I began to unravel and didn't even realize it.

I think I allowed a lot of things that I normally would not allow to happen because I felt I needed to do something different, be someone different. It’s like I stopped investing in my own stock and sold off shares for less than their value….not the case anymore.

I have experienced enough in life to know what I want and can be assertive about it, but I am also aware that there is still so much life in me that I have to yet learn. It’s an ongoing cycle and not always a fun ride, but a ride nonetheless. *And keep reminding yourself that we don’t compete with other people, we compete with ourselves so we are either our own come up or downfall.

Sometimes I feel like I should write a book about all I’ve been through, but then I think…I don’t have to explain anything to anyone nor do I want to tell the details of my story. Most of my family and friends would be surprised about some revelations. But what I keep private has purpose and sometimes that purpose is to either protect myself or other people. I’m not one of these people on social media who asks for thoughts and prayers anytime something unfortunate happens and I definitely don’t share when I am not feeling like myself because I don’t need everyone’s affirmations. I also don’t like for people to carry my weight when I know everyone has their own to carry.

In this last year, there were 3 different incidences where I could have not made it. I don’t know if 2021 is my defining year, but shit, it sure was a scary one. — Lord, if you’re ready for me to come home, just say it, I don’t need anymore close encounters. Please! — But, I’m still here, so I guess I still have mountains to conquer.

I can honestly say that I am much happier today than I was earlier this year. I’m still missing a big chunk of 2021, but maybe that’s for good reason or divine intervention? Who knows. What I do know is that I am feeling very refreshed, more eager, more determined, and my confidence level is climbing stairs….with ankle weights. There are still some inflictions I need to figure out, people I need to speak to, and doors I need to close and I am going to do it with open ears, open eyes and with an open heart topped off with a smile no matter the outcome.

I mentioned before that I am ready to make everyone uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean that I am on a war path to putting others down. No. It means that I’m prepared to enjoy what I want to enjoy, who I want to enjoy it with and not harp on who may have an issue with what I decide to do. Whether I want to stay in and enjoy my own company, I am not going to shy away from saying, “I want to be by myself this evening.” OR whether I want to go out and hang with a few people, we may be out all night or just out for a few hours. — Whatever I decide, I’m standing by it.

Some people may start saying, “She acting new” or “She’s acting different” — And they can say whatever they want make them feel comfortable in trying to make sense of what I do. I’m no longer appealing to everyone else’s expectations. If I’m good with it, it’s happening. If not, Bye.

---

Women and The Sum of All Fears

There has always been and unfortunately may always be a stigma of women not being held to the same regards as men even if we hold more leverage. The importance of our value and safety is considered but not always sought through. Women don't like to be limited in what they can do and we also don't like to be regarded in less significant categories. Sometimes when I speak to my male friends about these concerns, I get shut down. I don't blame them because in truth, it's not their reality.

It's no secret that we women share advice and tips amongst ourselves on how to achieve goals and sadly, on how to be safe. For instance, what to be mindful of if we are getting into an Uber or Lyft alone, where not to walk alone at night, how to be aware of the people around us, etc. I'm sure men do all the same but, between a man and a woman, there is only one who is seen as the easier target.

Here is a loaded thought for you, sometimes when men feel a woman can handle things on her own, she becomes a less concern for him, he doesn't get too involved, and he doesn't offer much comfort...does this make him admirable or should he always express some type of support?

Even doing simple routines like going to the gym can ward off women. Two years ago I did not renew my gym membership because more times than not, a man would try to drum up conversations with me while I was in the middle of a workout, wanting to know about my life and ease in some type of way to ask me to dinner. I got more annoyed every time. It was a 24 hour gym and I never went at night. I'm not saying you cannot find meaningful relationships at the gym, but that isn't why I signed up for one. It is not much different when I dine alone or head to get cocktails on my own. I learned most men do not read body language all too well, whether they don't want to feel rejected or they are just oblivious. And sometimes we are called names when we don't show equal interest in a man. I'm also not saying that all men have ulterior motives, but as a woman we can never be too sure.

Sometimes I get so disgusted with the male race that I do not understand the purpose of being attracted to them other than to procreate and open a jar. They don't listen to us, they gaslight us, they call us crazy, they turn their backs on us, they confuse us, they take us for granted, they underplay our value, they lie to us, they put us against other women, and sometimes they hurt us. When Lizzo sang, "I got boy problems, that's the human in me" -- pretty sure every woman felt that line for every reason, good, bad, and in between.

On a more dim angle of this topic, you will most likely lose count on how many times you have seen news reports of women being mistreated, attacked, disappearing, and worse. Several years ago, I read a college student was getting groceries at night and while walking to her car she was abducted. Luckily she was able to be saved but imagine the thoughts going through her mind during that time and how she may be traumatized anytime she is somewhere by herself. Another report I read was about a mother of three from my hometown who disappeared and still has not been found. How about the many reports of women being attacked while running in a public park. I once overheard a woman telling her friend that she did her jog later in the day and a man she did not know remarked, "This isn't your normal time." -- That's a little scary, huh? It's one thing if someone I've known for a long time knows my routine and the places I frequent but, it's a little odd for a stranger to keep tabs on you. So, for our own safety we can't be predictable and we can't always rely on men to protect us.

Here are some statistics on crimes against women:

• now.org

• ncadv.org

• statusofwomendata.org

Maybe the reason why most of us women overthink is because we've been conditioned to and it bleeds into everything else in our lives -- because our first instinct is to protect ourselves (body, mind, and heart): Am I safe?, Can I trust him?, Am I comfortable with this?, Is this right?, Should I go?, Who should I tell? And maybe the reason some women advocate for other women to succeed is because we know what it means to be a woman. A friend said men are capricious, I think that is only partially accurate and men are not as vocal as women are which may be why they see us as being dramatic or even problematic. I truly believe men could not handle our lives and I would not want to be anything other than a woman.

---

Selfish Acts

I had a difficult time organizing my thoughts on this one. I didn’t want to make anyone feel “selfish” but I also didn’t want to avoid the notion that how we act can affect others.

At different times in our lives we go through transformations, when something changes our way of thinking also impacting our way of living. When we make these changes for ourselves, Is it being selfish?

A friend of many years whom is now engaged (about a year, after 4 years of dating) disclosed to me that he made an act of indiscretion. I didn’t judge him or tell him he was wrong. He did express to me that him and his fiancé have been rocky for a while and when the pandemic hit, things did not get much better for the pair. They seem to have been arguing about the same issues over and over again. When my friend confided in me, I said to him that maybe he needs to see what else is out there, just to be sure this is the person he wants to spend his future with. I wasn’t making those statements to go against his fiancé, but rather I wanted my friend to understand that he doesn’t need to go through the same headaches. I don’t deny that he loves his fiancé, but how healthy is a relationship if you are constantly arguing about the same things? — Sometimes we need to let go of things we’ve gotten used to because we overlook how poorly it’s affecting us. I want my friend to be happy, he deserves it, but I also don’t want him saying Yes to a marriage that may not be healthy for him long term.

Another friend of mine is a bit of a workhorse, long days, longer nights with very few hours of sleep. It’s hard to have conversations with him sometimes and I do most of the talking when we do converse. I can always tell when he is half listening because tiredness takes over his brain and he disengages. Honestly, it pains me to see him so depleted at times, I just want to send him off to a remote island so he can shut down and close his eyes, but knowing him, he’ll fight me on that and refuse to go. I even once told his brother how worried I was about him. I think by default it impairs his communication in his personal life because he doesn’t have the energy and that so many occurrences are happening businesswise that he is unable to equally balance his relationships outside of work. I don’t want to be so bold and say it impairs his judgement, but I’ve seen him not make so great decisions because his awareness was lacking. I’m sure he receives flack here and there from other friends and family members. Yet, in this regard, he is getting more value from his ventures than what is being drained from him, so I can empathize with his want to keep doing what he does. Whether his behaviors are selfish, right or wrong, he has to make that call on himself.

Even in my personal life, I sometimes have to step back and assess if what I am doing is healthy. If my life is being influenced by someone else, if my actions portray good behaviors that I want people to show on to me, if I am being patient enough with people, and if I am really walking a path that will bring me everything I want for myself. I know my pride and my stubbornness interferes with how I act with people. Sometimes when I’m hurt, my pride won’t let me show it nor will it always let me admit when I’m wrong. I do try to make changes where I see fit. And sometimes those changes are disconnecting from people who no longer fit in my good space. You don’t have to keep everyone in your life and it’s not selfish if you cut ties. Some people are not meant to be with you long term, they are only there to show you what you need or don’t need. If you have been reading, then you will recall that earlier this year I walked away from an 8 year friendship because it was giving me more grief than peace. Instead of telling her that her choices were hindering how I think of her and how it was contradicting to what she was showing the world, I just let go. I didn’t give notice of my decision, I just stopped accepting calls and messages. It hurt to do it because she was one of the first friends I made when I relocated and also my best foodie friend, but it was necessary for me to realize what types of friends I want to keep in my life.

It’s not selfish to have standards. You have to set boundaries with friends and family and you definitely have to set boundaries with romantic relationships. It vexes me how some people resort to claiming that being in a meaningful relationship will solve a lot of problems and that you just have to let your guard down…WHY??? Time and time again people will tell me I am in danger of never getting into a serious relationship because I’m too head strong, I’m too smart, I’m too successful, I’m too determined, I’m too independent...blah, blah, blah.

• First of all, what do any of those reasons have anything to do with being in a serious relationship? Because I have focus? Because I take care of myself? Because I don’t want to be a dumb woman? Because I don’t want to pass myself around or waste my time with men who don’t know what they want? This makes me ineligible to be in a meaningful relationship?

  • SIDENOTE: I’ve been back and forth in a small town and one of the acquaintances I made said to me, “All they do out here is just sleep with each other and go on to the next one.” WHAT??!! Yeaaaa, let me continue to keep my standards up and be selfish with myself.

• Secondly, I wouldn’t want to be with a man who is intimated with who I am, who doesn’t match my ambitions, and who doesn’t support my goals. I am not for the weak.

Yes, I agree that people should be willing to open up to one another so they can get closer, but let me remind you, I still stand firm on a the fact that MEN SET THE TONE in relationships, how he approaches a woman, how he courts her, how he continues to show his interest, and how he relays information to her. I’m not about to chase down any man…tf I look like doing that? I make time where I want to and there are people I give grace to and who I am more patient with, but I am still not going to alter my life for anyone who doesn’t meet me at least half way. — Selfish? Okay, I’ll take that.

You should be selfish with yourself, your space, your time, and your energy. YOU are the one who is living YOUR life, you are the one making choices for yourself. You are the one who know you the best. So, if you have to make a decision that may not be understood by others, it’s okay…I mean, don’t be an ass towards people, but definitely do things that are in your best interest.

---

Confidence Looks Good On You

Short Set - Leo’A The Label (Sweet Tooth Set)

Low self-esteem is not attractive. Yup, I said it. And there are different levels to low self-esteem. Anytime you make a choice that takes from your happiness, from your peace, or from your self-worth by telling yourself to believe that it will be the best decision when deep down you know something isn’t right, you are displaying a lack of confidence in yourself and with how you think of yourself…and it shows. Before you think I am attacking anyone, let me remind you of my own examples:

1. Did you read about when I Ghosted My Skeleton? - Yeah, that was a form of low self esteem because I did not know my own value to know that who I was involved was not the best for me.

2. The relationship with the father of my children. - I stayed longer than I should have because I felt that there was nothing better for me. I conditioned my mind to thinking that I had to stay with him, to fix our relationship, to forgive and forget, to accept his ways, to give my kids a life with both parents, to fight for something that I thought was worth fighting for. And if you know me now, then you know how WRONG I WAS.

I’ve learned. As far as my relationships with my friends, my boundaries are catered to each individual and how I know them. If any friendship gets to a point where it’s one sided, I digress from it. If I am losing confidence in a friend then I am losing confidence in our relationship and I can no longer enjoy it. It’s best for my mental health to let go (this also is the case for romantic relationships)

Being confident isn’t being arrogant or big-headed, it’s knowing your value and creating boundaries or standards to protect that value.

When you get into a situation where you find yourself changing, not for the better, it’s because you allowed something or someone to cross your personal value lines. It happens to all of us, we try to adjust ourselves to someone's low confidence or little pride — but let’s make it known that insecurity is usually partnered with other concerns such as unwillingness to understand, lack of experience, personal issues within ourselves. Insecurity is a weakness I detest, especially within women who find themselves in relationships they keep questioning or gets uncomfortable when another woman walks in the room — and the thing is, insecurities have to be resolved within the person themselves. It’s one of those things that you have evolve from. (Ladies, if you've not read my message at the bottom of “Extra Income”, I suggest you hop over there really quick and take a look.)

I’m not breaking down any woman, but if we’re being honest here, men seem to get more scrutiny about not being ready to be committed, but WOMEN too have their own flaws with figuring out what they want in relationships. Sometimes people are so scared to be alone that they allow their desperation to decide on their partners and willing to accept less than they deserve.

If you’re uncomfortable with me showing my legs, then you’ve never partied with me. I dress according to the environment I’m going to be in.

We ALL have our insecurities…yes, we do…whether it’s our looks, our financial status, our family dynamics, past traumas that still affect us, decisions we made in private that we don’t want others to know about, whatever it is, we all have something that we are not truly proud of. But we cannot let our insecurities hinder us from being the best version of ourselves, treat people good, and find serenity within our surroundings.

I think the equation for confidence is not only knowing your worth but, also not taking yourself too seriously and becoming offended anytime you feel someone is challenging you (I make jokes about myself all the time.) And comparing yourself to someone is the worst. When you look at someone and you automatically get feelings of insecurity or jealousy by instantly making criticisms about the person, that shows your lack of confidence…and need I say, poor character.

You ever walk into a place and you notice someone who everyone seems to have their attention towards them? The person is laughing, lively, and engaging with everyone. — That’s called confidence. — It doesn’t mean that is person is perfect or that their life is perfect, it just means that this person wants to enjoy themselves and likes for other to enjoy themselves too…it’s the energy that is exuded from confidence, an energy that not everyone possesses. It’s the same when a confident person walks into a room and you feel a shift in energy as if the room got brighter and everyone is a bit more alive.

I cannot really explain it, you either have confidence or you don’t, but it shows either way. It’s not how you look, how you dress, or how much money you have. It’s the way you speak, the way you treat others, the way you carry yourself — it’s a mindset. Remember in my post about My Preference is regards to men? That is a type of confidence I expect for a man I’m involved with to have, not flaky, not unsure, CONFIDENT in who he is and CONFIDENT in me…I can’t have a chump by my side.

You don’t have to be the best person, you just have to appreciate who you are, be comfortable in your skin and not accept others to mishandle you.

MOOD: When you missed the chance, don’t expect another.

Being Dominant vs. Being Abusive

I started and stopped writing this piece several times because I wanted to make sure I was clear about the differences in behaviors with this topic. People can easily misunderstand and run with that misunderstanding. I decided to keep this as short as I could to allow your own thoughts and interpretation to develop.

I briefly mentioned in a previous post that there is a difference between being dominant and being abusive. — One is desired and the other is damaging. I’m not talking about the physical aspects of this topic, just the mental.

A dominant man is confident and secure with himself, knows who he is, what he wants and goes after it. An abusive man struggles with his identity, his wants, his needs and transfers his frustration to others.

Can a dominant man also be an abusive man? Of course. That’s the uncertainty of it because the line between the two can be easily blurred, but understand this, being abusive is not the route anyone should take and can really cause harm to people especially the ones close to you.

Let me give some examples:

1. A man is dating a very attractive woman, they are at a party together and the woman is making friendly conversation with another man

   • Dominant: The man appreciates his lady is making her own way through the party and may walk up next to her to either join the conversation or just to check on her

   • Abusive: The man gets a sense of jealousy and pulls her away from the conversation to scold her for talking to another man

2. An argument occurs with the couple

   • Dominant: The man identifies there is an issue that needs to be addressed, but with tempers flaring, he knows nothing will get resolved this way. (He is also aware that women can be very emotional and irrational when they are upset.) He takes a step back and suggests they give themselves a few minutes to cool off and then come back to discuss the issues.

   • Abusive: He continues to argue back and forth with his lady and saying very hurtful things towards her or about her.

3. A man knows that his lady has had a long day or week at work

   • Dominant: He empathizes that his is not the only one bringing something to the relationship and helps takes charge with cooking dinner, attending to the kids, cleaning up, etc. He knows it’s not only a woman’s job to maintain a household or that there is any gender specific duties in the home.

   • Abusive: He continues to expect his partner to attend to him and the home or gets irritated if she asks for assistance. (Sometimes subtle behaviors can cause friction or resentment that can lead to compounding problems.)

Let me further explain that a Dominant man takes charge of a matter in a way that is logical and possibly the best route for everyone involved. He does not dismiss the feelings or input of others, he listens intently and then makes a sound decision.

---

The below image caught my attention. It is another version of the topic and I just want to point out…still….the difference with pleasure and unwanted pain.

Someone’s comment was, “It’s sad that this has to be explained.” And let’s be very clear, when referring to being “hit” it doesn’t mean getting knocked out with a fist.

And another thing about being dominant…and I’m so serious about this one, you can even say I'm stubborn over it….I WILL NEVER approach a man. That is NOT my place. I understand Women's Empowerment, Women's Liberation, Equal Human Rights, all of that, but if a man expects me to approach him….Sir, you can call ME ‘Daddy’. Ladies, if you're one of those who wants to make the first move, by all means I’ll clear the way, but don’t expect me to do the same. I personally feel it can set a confusing tone to a possible relationship.

Refer to Related Topics:

• Men Set The Tone (Jan. 2018)

• Expectations of a Man (Jan. 2017)

• Have a Strong Presence (May 2017)

• She Did WHAT?! (June 2017)

• The Proposal (June 2016)

My Lovely Readers, please share this thought with others:

“Don't allow your loneliness or desperation to be loved be the guiding motivation of how you choose your partner.”

---

Home Cooking Meal Suggestion: Turkey Meatloaf

What I Did:

• 2.5 lbs of ground Turkey

• 2 Eggs

• 1.5 Cups of Bread Crumbs

• 3 tbs mince garlic

• 1 tbs garlic Salt

• 1 tbs black pepper

• 1.5 tbs Greek Mix from Vom Fass

• 3 tbs butter

• 2 tbs ground Thai chili peppers

• 4 tbs spicy ketchup

(I did not chop up any bell peppers or onions this go round)

Mix all in bowl and place mixture in a loaf pan. Let cook in the oven for 1 hour on 350° (I didn't put any ketchup on top of the meatloaf, but it is an option)

For the gravy:

Take the meatloaf drippings and put in a separate pot. Add cream or milk and flour to thicken. *I also added garlic salt, ground pepper, Greek Mix, and ground Thai chili peppers for added flavor. Stir until thickened.

Don't Give Everyone Access

😮 After almost 2 years, this is still the most viewed and searched post throughout my entire site. I hope those of you who keep coming back to this is finding something useful within my words.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Let’s talk a moment.

You know you are awesome, right? So let’s agree that not everyone is deserving to be around you. That doesn’t mean shutting people out completely, but rather being aware that there are people who are not for you and just want to take from you…

• Your energy

• Your confidence

• Your hard work

• Your finances

• Your rewards

• YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We all have an intuition and all of our intuitions tell us when someone is not right for us. Many of us do ignore this because we want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us.

Although, we have to accept that sometimes it takes people longer to be the best version of them and maybe they are the best they can be at this time, but that doesn’t mean you have to fully welcome them in your life. People can go through metamorphosis at any age, sometimes more than once. Love and care at a distance. You can still have a good heart and not fall victim to someone else’s demons.

• Years ago a friend and I fell out for reasons that are no longer important, we were at different places in our lives. Later on, this person ended up getting very sick and a mutual friend called me to let me know what was going on. I hopped on the first flight out to see about my sick friend. We didn’t talk about why we stopped speaking to each other, we just carried on and caught up on the missed time and learned about the growth we both went through.

  • We needed to deny access to one another in order create different paths for ourselves and we became better friends after it because we became more willing to listen and understand each other better…and our fall out wasn’t a “be all, end all” we still had an abundance of love for each other. This doesn’t mean all relationships that dissolve will come back together, it just means that sometimes the difference between two people is the distance that needs to be had and what becomes of it afterwards depends on the pivotal points in your life.

I’ve said this many of times before, I want my peace more than I want attention. — I’m so comfortable with myself that I refuse to allow someone to destroy what I’ve created. Or exhaust my warmth to someone who won’t reciprocate my affections.

Many of us get into relationships (platonic or romantic) and make compromises which is expected, but when those compromises start to turn you into someone you don’t recognize, then there is a problem. LOVE is not folding every time just to make a person feel more comfortable, stable, or secure. LOVE is understanding each other’s weakness and helping to make them stronger. If your weakness is an element of insecurity and your partner doesn’t help you overcome that, then you are either misunderstanding who your partner/friend is OR this person is not the partner/friend for you. Yes, sometimes you also have to deny yourself access to people.

Not everyone is capable to travel with you in life. You are not blocking blessings by keeping people out, you are protecting yourself from being drained by someone or people you are unsure of. YES, let them prove they can stand by you and with you. Some people are there temporarily, some are there for the lesson. Then there are some people who need more time to reach you, give them that time, but keep your focus forward. YOU are the decider of your well being. And yes, it’s hard to separate yourself if you are a giver, but you have to grip on to what keeps you at peace. You cannot give if you are depleted. I am meticulous with how much energy I give and to whom I give it to and I change the levels when necessary.

You can interact with many people and still not allow all of them access to the whole you.

• I have at lease 5 different groups of friends, some from my past, some I met in passing, some I frequently see or interact with; all of them know a different part of me, some of them know a different version of me, but only a select few know all of me. — I made it that way.

I love and enjoy ALL of my friends and family, I appreciate that we are not the same. Each of them ignite different pieces of me, but I know all of them cannot, will not, or are not equipped to take the same road as me. It’s no one’s fault. It also wouldn’t be right of me to take (possibly carry) someone on a journey they are not ready for. Therefore, access to me remains selective and limited. I trust what I know about each person in my life…read that again.

Everyone doesn’t deserve access to you.

---

Great Expectations

A man likes a fun girl but, he loves a classy woman. Well, at least the men I am attracted to.
Here is a summary of what I said in an archived post in March 2015:

One of the many things I've learned in "Womanhood" is: What a man expects from you is derived from how he perceives you.  It is not just your image but, also your behavior that plays a part in how a man treats you.  How you present yourself to him is who he expects you to be. 

In my post, Grooming, I talk about being a good woman that anyone can be proud to know, especially a man who you want close to you...not to say that everything we do should be based on a man's likes or dislikes but, if you are a woman who wants a relationship, a marriage, you have to be the type of woman that your type of man wants to marry because again...they are the ones who propose marriage.  

Going back to my opening statement, the men I admire appreciate women of class.  Look, I have my no-so-classy ways but, for the most part, I maintain a good level of sophistication.  As far as image, I'll wear a high slit dress, a backless dress, or a tight dress but, I'll make sure the most of me is covered and if I decide to wear anything suggestive, it's because I feel comfortable and safe with the person I am wearing it for...You can read between those lines. 😉

I place women on a high pedestal because I know we are the better of the two sexes...this is not up for debate.  We are highly intelligent creatures but yes, sadly not all of us utilize our powers for the better.   To achieve our greatness, we have to groom ourselves to fit the lifestyle we have or want.  Having expectations for others can be unrealistic but, having great expectations for ourselves is something we can attain.  The only way a man or anyone can take my greatness from me is if I ALLOW IT.  And if someone is taking that value from me then I have question my self-esteem, to grant a person the opportunity to strip me of my worth.

Ladies, I expect you to be amazing because you were born to be just that.

Times Up #MeToo

I've been reading about the Times Up movement and all the statements and articles that have been publicized.  I do agree that men should know their limits with women, I also believe they should not abuse their authority to obtain anything they want from women.

BUT....

There are still so many women who play on the fantasies with men.  The Times Up Movement is not for woman who just had a bad date or no longer interested in the a man she once allowed to knock her off in the men's bathroom at a nightclub.

No, the Movement is for those who did not have a voice when they were being violated by men of a certain stature.

Yet, I do want to mention that society plays a part in today's sexual influence; advertising food, cars, and events with half naked women.  Everything we see is highly sexualized...I mean, have you seen some of these middle-schoolers today?!  Does this excuse a man to act as he wants?  Fck no. But women need to know where to draw the line as well. 

Yes, I expect to get some backlash about this because there are flaws on both sides of the spectrum.

I've always preached that women need to hold themselves to a high degree of intelligence, professionalism, and discipline.  We CAN get what we want without laying down.  But if you want to be a hoe, go ahead and let you freak flag fly, sweetheart.  Just remember, there are consequences to your behavior.

If you decided to use your body to get ahead, how do you expect men to view you?  If you continue to allow a man to mistreat you or demand certain activities from you, why would he think that you feel wronged?  Even if the actions are morally or ethically wrong, if it is allowed to continue, what value do you have for yourself? When do you say, “Enough, I am not going to let him do this to me anymore!”?  As I read some of the stories, I wondered about their self-esteem, about their lifestyle choices, and the people around them who turned an eye.

This is not to bash women, I understand a woman being scared, feeling like no one will believe her, thinking nothing will change, or hoping that agreeing to certain advances will grant her other opportunities.  I do believe that some of these women who came forward did not have a voice at the time.  Sometimes when a woman is wronged, her basic knowledge of relationships or interactions with men is compromised; she shuts down and will not discuss anything until she feels it necessary.

But understand this...

WE WOMEN ARE A LOT MORE POWERFUL THAN SOME WANT US TO BELIEVE.

And when we band together....You betta pray your name isn't on the list.

There was a story about a medical professional abusing young gymnasts is BEYOND disgusting.  My opinions on men like that are extremely vexed.  This type of abuse of power is demeaning to our human understanding of medical professionals and their responsibility to keep us healthy.

When you use your authority to wield towards your benefit, NO, that is not justifiable.

Grooming

We groom ourselves for certain triumphs.  Study hard in high school for good grades to be accepted to the best colleges.  Practice our interview skills to land the best job.  Improve our craft to move up the ladder.  It's no different to being a single person wanting a certain type of relationship. 

People are not designed and engineered to be "made" for you.  We cannot expect a box from Santa with the perfect partner inside. (Dear Santa, I need a man over 6', who dresses well, does what he says he's going to do, a good protector, loves me with his whole heart, and makes me smothered pork chops when I'm having a bad day.)  Reality: We cannot expect for someone to automatically know how to respond to us.  What we can do is set guidelines for ourselves.

Be a woman any man can be proud of, whether associate, friend, colleague, or partner.

The other day, I admitted to a man that I was a bit ashamed of the some of the choices I made when I first met him.  I explained that as a woman, I placed expectations of myself to NOT be a particular type of woman.  He differed with my words and stated I had no reason to be ashamed which, I can emphasis that a man's perspective will be different from my own and I don't expect anyone to always see my point of view.

As a woman, a single woman, a mother, a single mother, I personally feel I need to behave in a certain manner.  I need to make decisions that will not negatively impact my life or those who depend on me.  When it comes to men, I need to be extremely careful with how I behave because I do not want to be thought of as a woman who should not be taken seriously or a woman who can easily be broken.

I can honestly say, No man I've met in the last few years has placed me in the category of  a woman he can degrade or demoralize.  Yay me...but, if a man decides to talk to me cray, all hell will break loose!

It's not just grooming myself for a great husband, it's more so grooming myself to be a good, respectable woman with or without a husband. 

Expectations of a Woman

Women, please understand that WE are the pinnacle of life.  Throughout history, women were place on a pedestal, men fought each other for our attention and love....

Now, what the hell has happened to us?

We parade ourselves like cheap ornaments and chase after well-to-do men who may or may not be married, and get easily sensitive when we don't feel good enough.

**Even, I'm not void of snapping a few "thirst trap" pictures here and there.

YOU WERE BORN GOOD ENOUGH!

It may not seem obvious in my posts but, I am a very reserved and conservative woman.

I believe a woman should take pride in her deliverance to the world and not showcase herself in a way that may cause doubt...then again, any way we behave will incite critics from all angles.

I won't throw myself at a man simply because he buys me a drink or give me a compliments.  To be honest, I get a little uncomfortable when a man offers to buy me a drink...What is his motive? What does he want in return? How often does he do this? What are his intentions?...I admit that it is not great to think this way but, this is what the social scene has become for singles...or people who portray being single...<< Yall ain't shit and some of you are my friends but, you still ain't shit.

Almost every time I go to a happy hour or just swing through one of my favorite bars, there is a man or two willing to buy me endless drinks and overload me with compliments.  It is endearing and sweet BUT, where is this going?  Especially, since I did not come out to find a lover.  So, I listen and add to the conversation but, I keep it very casual, although, at least I think I do.  I don't just bat my eyes and ask for another drink or how much is in his 401K.  No, I ask how his day was, give praises to his accomplishments, inquire how he made his way to this bar, and wish him safe travels home.  This has become my basic dialogue with men.  Some of them try to derail me and talk about continuing the night, No sir, it was nice to meet you, have a good night.

Remember, men will be men among men...mainly foolish and stupid.  I'm sorry fellas, I love you guys but, we know the truth. It is our right as women to know better, behave better, deliver better, expect better, and just BE BETTER.

Now when starting a new relationship...

I do not believe a woman should make compromises early on when meeting a man.  Once you make the first life adjustment for him, he'll expect you to continue to make more adjustments catering to him without him doing much in return. No, no, no...if we are going to be serious with one another then my changes will need to equal your changes; whatever change we feel is necessary and conducive to our relationship.

I also do not believe a woman should share her relationship details with everyone.  It ain't official if it's not on Facebook! << You can keep that feeble thinking away from me.  I've seen so many people on my timeline share just a little too much about their personal life and then all of a sudden, the relationship disappears.   It is great to be proud of who you are with and it is also great to share your happiness with a few pictures or comments here and there but, keep in mind, many people disguise their negativity with empty praise. 

Keep your personal business to a minimum.  We don't need to know why you're arguing, or why you are upset because you let him use your car and now he hasn't come home in two days, or that he does not contribute to any of your bills but, he's always in your house.  << YES, for some reason women still treat grown men like their sons, taking care of them, catering to their needs and getting little appreciation in return.  My son has no idea how pampered he is.  While dropping him off a school the other morning, he demanded I go to McDonald's and get him food before I pick him up at the end of the day.  He also requested I put his tablet in my bag and not to touch it.

You want to be a good woman, GREAT, you want o show him you can maintain a relationship, manage a home, and conduct business, AWESOME but, be a good woman to a DESERVING MAN.  Otherwise, just be his friend with set limitations of your willingness and support; add on as he adds on...value.

Many times you can prove to a man that you are a good woman without doing the most for him.  My intentions for my future husband will not be much different from my intentions for my friends, and that is to support, uplift, motivate, and love them...of course, my husband's benefits will be on a different level...but still, it is the same basic formula.

The Men We Entertain

Generally, men aren't slow and they can comprehend what you tell them; 

He just doesn't think in the same way you do. You can easily misunderstand his thoughts or over exaggerated his actions to appease your insecurity about him.

We all know, I don't date but, I still come across men who tend to mislead women...sometimes not intentionally.  Some are unaware of the affect they can have on women. Or maybe they are very aware and still don't feel any remorse to heartbreak, especially if they never asked a woman to be his lady.  Again, men do not think like we do, many times they act without thinking and leave us wondering, "What the hell is his doing?!"

Yes, fellas, I am usually hard on you guys but, I can still see the goodness in you...some of you.  Women do attach themselves to someone who they can see a potential future with.  We formulate an imaginary story of our lives together, hey, I never denied that we are crazy; we are. 😊 And we do bend our "limitations" for a man we really like.  We allow certain things that may not sit well with us to continue and cover it up with his sweet words or generous acts.  His simple words and actions help us overlook the concerns we have...yet it still doesn't lead us to a healthy relationship. 

You cannot accept that he has not claimed you as his girlfriend.  You cannot accept that he doesn't call you everyday.  You cannot accept that he doesn't check up on you.  You cannot accept that he doesn't make plans with you.  You cannot accept that he does not do for you in the same capacity that you do for him....BUT, you still hold on to him?

 You go through the process of showing him how good of a woman you are, how caring you can be, how much you consider him, and that you are willing to drop everything to come to his rescue.  Of course he will still allow you to cater to him and he will do what little he has to do to keep you holding on for hope.  He is getting all the benefits of being your boyfriend, without being your boyfriend.

Ladies, why do many of us fall victim to this?  Why are some of us not willing to accept that he doesn't want a girlfriend or more painful to accept that he just doesn't want YOU specifically?  Men have their preferences also.  You can do everything in the world that makes him smile, but if he does not feel that you are not the one, then you have to understand that.  And he can tell you that he doesn't want a relationship, just to spare any insult you may feel if he told you that he's just not that into you...then you see him months later publicly kissy faced with a woman...a woman who is not you.

It's OKAY ladies.  He wasn't the one for you either.  It just took you longer to let it set in.

☝☝☝ This is the problem ladies.

Yes, you should do the best you can for people and maybe do a little more for those you care about but, if you are only doing it in exchange for him to pay more attention to you and drop to his knees with the perfect ring, then it may not turn out they way you planned.  You cannot dictate someone else's future, even when you are mapping out your own.  If you want to do the most for him, okay, then do so but, don't get heartbroken when he doesn't reciprocate your affections into someone he wants to share his life with.

Walk the path you intended for yourself.  One day you'll look over and notice someone walking that same path, and guess what, it won't be a hassle for him to intertwine his journey with yours.

Love is hard. We can't predict it.  We are unaware when it happens and it consumes our logical thinking.  Why do we do it?....because humans are meant to love and be loved.

It's that "be loved" part that is a bit convoluted.  And yet, we still entertain the idea of it because it's one of the greatest emotions to have. 😞😟

Must Read For Women

You cannot make a man want you.  As much as you may like him and try to hide your "crazy" so he takes interest in you, you still CANNOT make him want you if he has no thoughts of wanting you or being serious with you.

When a man likes you, he will make the effort to tell you, show you, because again, he will be the one to pursue and court you.

BUT, ladies hear me out....we also need to identify the man that we may have our eyes on.  Watch how he interacts with other women, are you just another face in the crowd or does he make a special effort to be different towards you?  A man will not change just because you ask him to.  If he has a lot of women lusting over him, that may not stop once you have him but, what should stop is how he addresses the other women.  If you are in his consideration, he will make the right moves to accommodate your heart. 

I have a male friend who I poke fun of because he seems to be the type that loves attention.  I call him a hoe and a floozy all the time.  But, in actuality, whatever he does on his own time is none of my business and he is a single man, so he can behave as single men may do.  As far at the attention element, that is due to the of the type of business he is in, so his behavior towards women may be flirtatious or very friendly but, that is just how he engages with them. Aside from all of that, he's a good guy.

  We cannot be naive about the attention we may receive or overthink his affections or lack there of.  Keep in mind that men who are very driven and focused on their careers/success may not have eyes on any woman because he does not want to give the wrong impression when he knows he cannot offer a woman his full time or attention.

Another male friend of mine falls into this mold.  I barley can get him on the phone because he is constantly traveling, in and out of meetings, making business deals, etc. And we've talked briefly about relationships and having someone to spend time with but, we are both in the same structure in life where we know we cannot fully offer ourselves to someone just yet...we still have some work to do.

All and all, Ladies, you should never have to chase a man.  If he wants you, he'll come for you.

Clinging

We do tend to hold on to the memories, thoughts, feelings, and gestures of a person or relationship even though, these things may not be good for our aura. We hold on because we want for something to change or to have that same happy moment again but, unfortunately we cannot control the change in others, only ourselves. 😔

Have you ever stayed in a relationship longer than you should have?  Why?

Because the person you once loved with all their flaws has now become the person you can't stand?

You must learn to let go.....and Let Live.

Yes, people do change but, that doesn't mean they grow. And people mostly change for benefit of themselves not necessarily for others.  😒...but this notion should not always be frowned upon.

I made changes over the years that help me to progress and succeed as an individual.  Some of my changes have made me "seem" heartless but, really, I'm just more enthusiastic and focused on my future.

In a different aspect, people may change to better find ways to "manipulate" others.  Finding better ways to hide secrets or learning other outlets to get only their needs met...selfishness. 

Just because you spent a lot of time "investing" in someone, doesn't mean it is a good investment.  Sometimes you have to count your losses and allow better means to be presented in your life.

A Queen Doesn't Play The Joker

One of the many things I've learned in "Womanhood" is: What a man expects from you is derived from how he perceives you. If you are boisterous and dramatic, even though it may be nerve wracking to him, your actions will not be a surprise to him. If you are quiet and docile, he won't expect you to overpower a conversation. If a man meets you at the park playing on the swings with your kids, how do you think he views you? If a man meets you at the club lap dancing on the local celebrity but, you don't work there, how do you think he views you?

Much like, don't post sexually suggestive ideas on Facebook and then act like a prude and take offense when a man approaches you about it. That's not how he thought of you, otherwise he would not have approached you in that manner.

Also, don't have him bring you to an upscale restaurant and cause a spectacle with the waitstaff because your plate came out with 4 jumbo shrimp instead of 5. He thought highly enough of you to be a classy woman who would simply tell the waiter of the mistake so it can be corrected instead of being carried out by security. (I know this example is a bit extreme but, you get my point.)

I say all this to say....How you present yourself to him is who he expects you to be so don't put on an act knowing the script has an end. I recall a distinct memory from my previous relationship that is relative to this topic; I posted a picture of an aggressive gesture on a social site that was public. My love saw it and asked me to take it down. I brushed it off like it was not a big deal but, when he explained it to me, I felt silly and took the picture down. 

In summary he said, "You are not that type of woman. That is not how you are and if people see that picture, they may get the wrong idea about you. Don't let people speculate the wrong image of who you are."

He was right, I didn't and don't want to be seen as a careless, facetious, and ignorant woman. Women who pride themselves with substance and class are held at a different and most likely higher degree than those who pride themselves with....well, I'll let you fill in this part. A respectable woman should not digress from her stature to gain bleak attention. 

You can be interesting and entertaining without playing the fool and becoming the joke.