Looking For Trouble

A little revelation about my 2 dreams, if you need to catch up with what I’m talking about go to the post right before this one. There's a few audio clips in there. I still keep having the dreams, except the recent nights, I now think the person I’m calling and the person standing next to me is the same person. With the phone dream, instead of calling the person, I am texting the person and this time the person sent a message back. What was said in the message was the same thing the person in the other dream said to me, but I can’t make out his voice. Sometimes my dreams have a funny way of keeping me wondering until it actually happens in my waking life. Seems cruel, huh? 😏 But at least now I know the two dreams are connected!

Also, another thing I should mention is the whole Keke Palmer fiasco with her partner. I know, I just hyped those two up and now the Usher thing happened and things seem to be iffy between them, but hey I did tell you guys….forever doesn't last a long time! I do see both sides to it, for Keke, she’s out with her friends, she’s feeling good, and she’s just enjoying herself. For her partner, he sees the woman he is with who is also the mother of his child wearing a very revealing outfit and in the face of another man. Look, I wear things all the time that show parts of my body, but I am very conscious of how close I am to a man, even being single. I do hope they find a way to communicate and be cordial even if they don’t stay together.

“There's such things as good trouble.”

Let's talk about trouble. I do believe if you're looking for trouble, you will definitely find it, no matter what it is. I also believe there's such things as good trouble. We’ll talk more about that in a minute. If you are looking for something to be wrong about someone, you will find it, guaranteed, but don’t go looking for something that doesn’t need to be found, let that sit for a bit, that may mean something different to each of you. For instance, don’t look for something to justify anything you did wrong or could have done better. Like don’t try to pull out someone else’s flaws when you still need to work on yours. Don’t call-out someone else, if you can’t accept being called out. But, if your gut is telling you something is not right, listen to it, because you are probably correct. And at that point you need to decide if what you are feeling is something you can deal with long term.

So let’s talk about “good trouble”. Good trouble is what I call taking a risk, but it’s not causing harm to anyone. Like complimenting someone who you may have some history with, but what makes it “trouble” is not knowing where that compliment will get you, you guys following me here? Will it get you to a happy ending or will it just be words that stood in one place?

So let me share something really quick: Every now and then, I say some suggestive things to a guy I know, I’m not sure if he’s noticed it because I always say I’m joking and the reason I do that is, I am not sure if I want what I say to go any further than just a statement. I’m so cory, I know. I just don’t want to get into any BS with anyone and I’ve been good on my celibacy kick, even though I don’t refer to it as that because my purpose is not to abstain from sex, but more so abstain from getting involved with someone who is going to bring me down as opposed to being considerate to me. My Goods are GOOD right now and I want to keep it that way and I am only willing to share my good with someone who is transparent with me….BUT HELL, I don’t know, one of these days someone might just say the right thing at the right moment…and that’s all she wrote!

Ideally, there is nothing wrong if you want a little trouble here and there, just be careful with how much you may be rocking the boat and don’t do anything that may put you in a compromising situation. Be careful out there everyone.

To Be A H*e Or Not To Be A H*e?

“Sometimes we gotta do bald-headed hoe sht.” - (😂 My friends just say anything to me, but I was never one of the girls who was grinding on a man at the club. Or bending over to shake my a**. This generation is the generation that seeks validation on being seen and the men want to be treated like women.)

Some of my friends are starting to get on me about putting myself out there. I told them I went on a few dates some months ago, but I guess that doesn’t count because I really wasn’t into to who idea in the first place. But, my thing is, WHAT AM I PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE FOR? Half these men come with bullsh*t while the other half want to take advantage of that fact that I am busy and laidback. Okay, just because I do not have a lot of time to spare and that I am very easy-going doesn’t mean I’m just going to accepted any type of treatment. Now remember one of the gems that my friend told me to start putting into my daily affirmations? “I AM THE CATCH” ‼️ So yeah, you’re not going to treat me as if I’m a second-hand discounted option.

The Effort Series

This was taken in 2015. If nothing else, one thing I’ll always do is show some THIGHS & LEGSSSS!

I prefer someone who I’m comfortable with, who knows my personality, who won’t get upset when I’m not available, who I can go grab food with or cook with, and someone who I can just sit with and enjoy his company even if we aren’t doing anything. I feel like that’s simple, but it may still be a tall ask for some men. Remember when I was mentioning the guy I refer to as “Poppa” and how when we want to be alone, we kind of shut off the world around us and it can seem like we are being distant when really, that’s just how we like to decompress sometimes and reflect on things. I don’t want a guy to misinterpret that and think I’m off doing something with another man, yes I do have guys friends and I do hang out with them time to time, but if I am being intimate with you, then you are the only person I am intimate with. Like, I would love for a man to come volunteering with me or meet some of my mentees and give them some wisdom for his perspective. 👀

The question is, should I put myself out there and entertain multiple men? One of my friends told me that if a man isn’t asking me to be his girlfriend that I need to go all dates with all the different men who are interest in me. But I feel like that brings down my stock. And the more ahead in life I am, the more my stock goes up. If I make myself available to any man then what does that say about my value? 👎

In my eyes, to be intimate with someone is also to be very vulnerable with them, physically and emotionally. And I am very strict about who I am vulnerable with. Plus, do you ladies remember when I talked about our pH Balance and how sexual partners effect that? Yeah, I like my pretty kitty to be healthy. 💦 As of right now, I could drive 30 minutes to an hour away from my front door and I can count LESS than five fingers how many men I have been intimate with. Listen, I take pride in that; my Hello Kitty is precious, any man who has had the privilege to lay with me should feel special, because I don’t just give it up to any one. 💦

So no, by today’s definition, I cannot be a hoe. I’ll sit and spark up a conversation with anyone, but not anyone can have me. So if you were to see me sitting next to a man laughing and enjoying my time, it doesn’t not mean I am sleeping with him or have a romantic interest in him. I think that’s the main reason I like hanging out with my guy friends because with them, I have a male presence, they enjoy me and I enjoy them, but nothing occurs after the night is over.

And I do not have anything against women being sexually free with men, you know what you want. Especially with how social conventions have shifted with the boom of social media apps and reality tv, everyone wants to be seen and exposed and they always want to show what they are doing or tell their friends about it. That’s all fine and dandy, but hey, I know what I want too and that’s not how I want to be. I have a great social personality, but for the most part, I like to be more simple and low-key, so the hoe life ain’t for me. 😶‍🌫️

Acts of Service

“Don’t ask me who else is taking my attention, instead be the one I want to make time for.”

With me keeping myself to myself going on 2 years now and a learning more detailed tidbits about myself. So we’ve talked about the 5 Love Languages before:

Words of affirmation - Words build you up. You thrive on spoken affection, praise, encouragement, and compliments. Harsh words and criticism can bother you for a long time.

Acts of Service - Anything that your partner does willingly to ease your workload is a sign of love to you. You feel cared for when your partner vacuums before you get to it or makes you breakfast as a surprise. On the other hand, broken promises or laziness can make you feel unimportant.  

Receiving Gifts - Thoughtful gift shows to you that you are special. In contrast, generic gifts and forgotten special events have the opposite effect. This love language isn’t necessarily materialistic – it could be as simple as receiving your favorite snack after a bad day.

Quality Time - You feel loved when you get undivided attention. When your partner is truly present (and not looking at their phone), it makes you feel important.  Failure to actively listen or long periods without one-on-one time can make you feel unloved.

Physical Touch - Holding hands, kisses, hugs, and other touches are your preferred way to show and receive love. Appropriate touches convey warmth and safety, while physical neglect can drive a wedge between you and your partner.    

I am now identifying that my languages are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Third and forth is quality time and is physical touch. And the last is receiving gifts. And this makes a lot of sense to me and I think when I was younger, the order was different and physical touch was my top one. On top of that, I fully understand why receiving gifts is at the bottom because objects don’t hold value to me as much as the person and spending time with them.

I think I started noticing this about myself through my communication with my little young Chicago boy, btw, he’s not too upset with me anymore. I don’t know if I shared this previously, but my little youngin’ was irritated that I was not answering his calls and making time to hang out with him. To be honest, I was trying to distance myself a little because I felt he was getting too close and didn’t want him to feel mislead by me. So I am still treading lightly and my biggest gripe about him is his dialogue. Like he’ll text me randomly and just type “Hey” — WTH am I supposed to do with that, he knows I am highly intelligent so why would he think that is going to solicit a response from me? I need depth, I need context, not the bare minimum. I mean I can dumb it down and be mediocre, but there’s a limit to that. Okay…I’m being facetious with what I am about to say…English is not my first language, so your dialogue and vernacular should be a lot better than mine.

But here’s the other part to it, this young man does know how to talk to me sometimes. And I’ll never admit this to him, but he did catch my attention when he was getting a little playfully aggressive and saying things like, “I know you’re older, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want too and right now, I want to see you.” 😳 And then he told me, “I know you’re not slow so stop acting like it, unless you found some new dude, let me know when you’re free.” 👀 Listen, when he was talking to me like this, I was just on the other end of the phone like, this boy really don’t know how attractive he’s being right now 😜! I guess this is another perspective of Words of Affirmation! I definitely need to be careful with this young man and keep reminding myself I cannot give him everything he wants, especially since in one of our conversations I learned that there’s only a few years difference between me and his mother! Yeahh…NO, I’m not playing those games. 🚫

Although, aside from his age and poor texting skills and maybe a few other things, he’s still a great young man and surprisingly he's gotten comfortable enough to talk to me about certain things like money. Ladies, this kid is 25 years old and already making six figures 😳! And he looking to buy his first investment property and he asking me about stocks and going back to school to get his Master's degree. I applaud him. Like, how many 25 years olds do you know who are this disciplined?! He’s not out here without a place of his own and no car walking around talking about other people, he's got his shit together. I don’t know what the universe is doing, but if I were to be involved with someone younger, it would be this a person similar to this.

  • Another thing I notice, and let me know if you’ve had this experience or picked up on this too, I notice that there is a difference with younger women dating older men and younger men dating older women. With the younger women, they are more willing to change themselves, their values, their routines, their behaviors to fit the older man or to appease him…I’ve witnessed this first hand so I know I am on to something here, talking about “I don’t go out that much anymore” — 😒 Girl, you’re still a kid, you’re supposed to go out and play. You may be fooling that older man, but you ain’t fooling me. But with the younger men, they do not change much of themself. The main difference with them is they are more aware that older women have experienced more things in life so these younger guys are more willing to listen and try to understand an older woman. I like that. 👍🏽

Now with acts of service, I feel like that brings so much value to my life. If you are doing things that make my day go by easier, I don’t know if I can keep myself from not loving you. And it’s not just gentlemanly things like walking me to my door or checking on me, it’s asking if I need something from the store before you come over or offering to cook me dinner and cleaning the dishes after, even if I refuse (because independent women have gotten used doing things on our own), you still know that is something I admire from a man, even if he’s just a friend. I’ve have plenty of platonic friends who do things for me that make my days better and I absolutely love them for it. Like offer to water my plants if I am going to be out of town for a long period of time, little simple things like that I find value with. 🥰

Codename: "Poppa"

“Sometimes we lose each other, but we don’t stay lost.”

In my last topic I gave a little shoutout to a special reader/listener, in this topic, I am going to focus more on this particular reader/listener. This person expressed a slight discernment of some of the things I was saying and felt I was being unfair with my content and believes I vehemently dislike them which is very far from the truth. I let the person know that I utilize my critical thinking using more social verbiage as I speak about my perception of interactions that I experienced.

I am going to refer to this person as “Poppa” which is actually the nickname I gave him very early on and Poppa is someone who I have interesting experiences with. All the experiences were not great, but not everything is always great, right? And I hate that he only sees my reflections as being all negative as opposed to being constructive and a way of learning certain antidotes on how to be with people and I don’t think he gets my humor sometimes. But I realized something the other day, we have become a bit critical of each other. Poppa, this is something I don’t think either one us is willing to admit that we created a sort of barrier and it infuses our good and bad over the years.

In the beginning, we had a sort of unspoken understanding that we are just going to the enjoy the moment and our geographical distance allowed us to stay fond of each other and during these times we gave each other a lot of praises and the element of mystery was not an issue.

We met on April 25, 2015 under unplanned and unexpected circumstances. I did not expect to hear from him again after this date.

In recent years, our geographics changed and we had more frequent face-to-face interactions. The recent years is where some of our not so great experiences came to surface and I reflect on those experiences a few times throughout the topics. I don’t think I discuss him any more or less than I discuss my relations with other people I know. And I do try to keep things open-ended and make it clear that it’s my opinion and not confirming it as the right opinion, because we all have our own ideas and perceptions on what is accurate depending on our feelings and values. Within the recent years, we had a period where we got a little closer than before. During this time, he was catering and attentive, much like how I first met him.

But here is where I think the conflict is. We are almost equal opposites in the sense that we have similar tastes in music - I always poke at him for wondering how good his ears are. We practice similar ideas of relaxing and having a good time - we welcome people and want everyone around us to enjoy themselves and Poppa, you won’t like to hear this, but people do notice one you are giving someone extra attention. Lastly, we are both established in our individual lives. With all that in mind, we are also very strong-minded in our views. I’m just going to use the word stubborn because, Yes, Poppa it can be like the pot calling the kettle black with me and you.

We always let things happen as they needed to.

We both like our space and time to decompress from people which can seem like we are being emotionally dry or distant, I don’t believe our intention is to be cold towards people, but sometimes we just need to disconnect. And the time when we were a little closer, there were moments when I wanted to connect and he didn’t and vice versa and our distant behaviors ended up being filled with other things that did not help us stay close and I know he won’t admit this, but I didn’t like it when he tried to downplay his friendship with a girl that I questioned him about a few times and a few other things he did that hurt my feelings.

Although, in my experience with him, I did learn that sometimes people phase in and out and we are an example of that. Sometimes we are very engaged, sometimes we are not. For instance there have been recent conversations with him where I think, Hmmm, that’s something new…and it really caught my attention. Like when he told me about a community service project he was part of and a few days ago he slightly mentioned he was mentoring. Poppa, I love these things! And I also appreciated when he and I bonded over a mutual friend of ours where Poppa called me to let me know what happened and a few days later we both sat together and reflected on our friend’s situation. I thought that was a sentimental moment.

“Poppa”

On this day we had no clue what was to come next.

So even though Poppa thinks I don’t like him or always attacking him, those are just small impressions to what I really think of him, it’s like 5% of his 95%. Yes, Poppa, I do get a little brash with you when you do things that harm your caliber. But, I also know that you have to process things though just like anyone else.

It is kind of like seeing someone walk across a street without looking both ways and you are just hoping the reach the other side unharmed. And I am not saying Poppa is careless person, sometimes I’m just like, “Baby, please think about this some more before you get ahead of yourself!” I also appreciate the company he has in regards to his college friends. I’ve gotten to know them over the years too and I love all that they are. And if I am being honest, my love for the friends is slightly different than the love I have for Poppa because he and I have different experiences with each other and most of the friends don’t fully know those details. And that’s another similarity we both share, we like our privacy, although his definition of privacy is a little different from mine.

So to my special reader/listener: Poppa you are great, I hate that you take my sentiments as negative jabs. Don’t assume that any of my reflections is a permanent mark of how I think of you. Because overall, I enjoy when we talk without restrictions and expectations. Now, if I start flirting with you, don’t act funny, because talking shit to you has been an issue. Enjoy your day, my love.

Continuous Growth

The older we get the smarter we're supposed to be, right? We're supposed to learn from our mistakes, yes? Financially, who we date, how we raise our kids, and how we treat people.

Lately, I keep coming across stories where people take a spiritual year to themselves, no dating, no sex, no overdoing social activities, etc. And at the end, they have a clearer understanding of who they are, what they want, and where they want to be. Right now, I'm kind of already doing this, but my reasons were to stay focused on my goals not for any type of self-discovery. I mean, my last intimate encounter was in 2021 with the man whose timeline didn't match up with mine. If you've been here for the last few months then you know what I'm talking about. I know people don’t always remember things the same way, but hey we’re human, right?

And you know what bothers me a little? When men don't think they should treat me special because they think I'm already too special and that other people are treating me special. Let that sink for a bit. Don't worry about what someone may or may not be doing for me, make yourself present and be special to me.

Anyway, so I am thinking about doing more research on this year of self-reflection. I believe one of my guy friends did this a few years ago, I'll have to reach out to him and ask him a few things. It is a good time for me to do it since I'm already practicing one of the things and I'm very focused on my studies, not to mention my work and how I'm planning on blending those two.

The point is I don't want to be getting older and making mistakes or keep making the same mistakes that I should know better than to do. I want to get wiser. Plus, I have 2 kids watching my moves. I not my kids' friend, I'm their mother and even though I let my babies make their own decisions, I still give them caution. I talk to my children like growing adults because that exactly what they are. My son is already learning life skills. He knows how to cook a lot of different meals and he getting really good at it. He also knows how to do his laundry, and other things that he would need to know to do when he goes off on his own and he's just in middle school. My daughter is headed off to college this year and is going to begin her post high school years without me at arms reach. These are important transitions that happening with my family.

So I wouldn't be going too far off the reservation if I take a "Spirital Me Year". The thing is I know what I want, I'm clear of who I am and I'm not ashamed to express my flaws, I just don't have patience when other people refuse to acknowledge their faulty characteristics. Like if you have a good heart then you don’t make your friends or loved ones feel like they are a bother to you and take time to reach out to them every so often. Being in your feelings is similar to letting your pride take over. I don't want you be like this either where damaging behaviors cause problems with people you should be enjoying time with. And I see these behavioral issues with many "grown" people.

It kind of like having a small mind in a big world. Or another way of saying it is that there's a difference between being from a small town vs. having a small town mentality. Things improve in small towns because people think beyond the town. It’s the same with ourselves, we become better when we think beyond our present state of being.

About the Pics: I’ve been having “Mommy Moments” when I think about my daughter and the fact that is she will be an adult in a few months and then off to college.

So Unattractive

“Sometimes you just have to let people go through a clown phase and let them be foolish until they come back to their senses.”

*I also want to mention that is it very attractive when a man acknowledges and owns up to his part in a problem. I love a man who doesn’t let pride make him arrogant or unaware of his faults…even the greatest leaders knew to admit it when they were wrong.

There are a few physical traits that make me look at a man twice such as nice teeth, good grooming, clean nails, athletic build, nice posture, and classic contemporary-style clothing. But, there are a few things a man can do that will make me lose all attraction to him. He can still be handsome, but that's it.

One of the things that make me think less of a man is when he believes he's more than he is. Like saying he's a certain type of man, but acting the opposite. I know someone like this. He intertwines himself with certain people and claims it's about the "connection" but the reality of it is he's so wrapped up in the fallacy of believing these people are like him when it more seems like he wants to be like them. Chasing after things that are not for him when he should be above them. We have a mutual friend and the mutual friend recently asked me, "What's up with your boy?" - I'm like, "My boy?! Nah, you've known him longer than me. You need to talk to him, he won't listen to me." The sad part is I used to see him as such a confident man that makes fairly stable decisions, but the decisions that he has been making recently are causing me to look at him so differently these days. It's one thing to be vulnerable and make a few wrong moves, but it's another thing to defending your poor choices and dismissing people who know you can do better. That is such an unattractive quality.

Remember a few topics back I used the percentage example? Like people being certain percentages depending on where they're at in life. This man is out here hanging around people who are at 20-30% which is bringing his caliber down. He should be at 100%, but I tried telling him and he got defensive. So hey, I'm not getting into that. It's like people who take themselves so seriously that they don't listen to rationale. I don’t have to deal with that bullshit. You're grown. Do what you want.

The 2nd thing that makes me rethink a man is if he's only paying me attention because someone else paid me attention or gave me compliments. Listen, don't take interest in me just because someone else took an interest or finds me attractive. I also find it a little odd when a man is interested in a woman because she looks like or resembles someone famous. Like the girl for looking like herself, not for looking like someone else. This type of behavior is a follower. I don't want a follower, I want a leader.

The next thing that makes a man less attractive is poor time management and lack of communication when there is a delay. I'm very organized. If I plan to be somewhere at a certain time, 95% of the time I'll be there within the hour that I stated. I hate tardiness, but I hate when a man doesn't let me know his time frame has changed. If we made plans, I do expect both of us to honor those plans or at least communicate with each other if those plans need to be delayed or changed.

The 4th thing that makes a man less attractive is his unwillingness to emphasize my perspective, but only wants me to see things his way. I'm pretty sure this is narcissistic behavior and usually this type of person does things that are misleading to people and when it becomes a problem he then tells the narrative from his point of view without considering the other person's position. I understand that if I'm telling a story that involves other people, I'm not just sharing my business, I'm sharing a part of theirs too, so I keep my narrative open for interpretation and don't try to sway people into siding with what I said. People who try to make you think like them tend to always want control.

And the last thing that makes a man less attractive to me is his not knowing how to handle me. And this one is personal because a man would need to know me and pay attention to me to know how to handle me. Now, I've told you I've not been involved with a lot of men right, but with the men I do have experiences with I noticed one distinction with all of them and this may ruffle some feathers…

Coaching SZN

Since these men out here wanna keep bs-ing and playing games.

And that is, men from the northeast handle me better than men from the south. Now before anyone gets offended, let me explain. I'm very brash, I'm forward-thinking, strong-willed, and passionate about my views, and I can be mouthy. Southern men don't very much appreciate that. Again, I've not been involved with a lot of men, so I'm not pulling from a large database, but the men I have dealt with, the southern men, didn't handle me well when they saw other parts of my personality, and I'm not saying they should have, but with the northern men, they knew how to work around my strong characteristics and ease me when I'm being a little too much.

Let me put it to you this way, I need to be put in check sometimes, but not in a way where I'm disrespected or hurt, in a way that a man sets his dominance, shuts me up, but still makes me feel heard and love...yeah this sounds confusing and not all men can do this, like I said I've only seen this with the northeast men. I don't flinch if a man calls me, "Bitch" that's not a cruel word to me. I've been in a situation where I was popping off at the mouth with a guy I was dating and he just smacked his hands together and said, "Bitch! Stfu, and let me talk to you." I'm not saying this is appropriate, but he knew how to get my attention and even though I was still mad, I did stop talking because all he wanted for us to do was have a calm conversation about what I was upset about.

Southern men are different in the way that they don't talk to me like that. The ones that I've been with seem to avoid or run away from trying to resolve issues with me and that causes a little resentment. But outside of any problems, southern men are more chivalrous and gentlemanly, they speak to me very patiently and cater to me as a woman (well, most of them are like this, the other ones are riding on their bs...they know who they are). And I appreciate the southern men for these sweet qualities. Although, if I were to come across a man with both northern masculinity and southern hospitality, yeah...I'd probably break my celibacy and give him the goods. I'd let him take full advantage of me. Might even fly him out on vacation and buy him a short set. And get him some steak and lobster too.

Let me not think about that for too long before I lose my composure. Anyways, so these are the types of things that turn me off from a man. What about you ladies?

I’m Dating A Married Man

“If you’re not with her and she’s still on your mind when no one is bringing up her name, she’s still in your heart.”

Before I start, let me share something with you all. So the other day, someone says to me, "All you're worried about is work and your degree." And oh did I have a response. I'll just summarize it for you. - What should I be worried about, fam?! I'm not some broad working an entry-level job, making just enough and with roommates to split the bills with. I've never collected unemployment and never accepted that to be an option for me and as a matter of fact and I don’t even remember the last time I got a tax refund. And when people were getting those covid relief funds, I didn't qualify for it. So if me being focused on work and school is an issue to someone, then baby your hustle ain't the same as mine. What would you rather me do, watch reality shows and talk about what the celebrities are doing or get into other people’s business? You can get out of my face with that underdeveloped mindset.

I have a lot of things going on in my life and a man isn't one of them. I have my guy friends who I speak with from time to time and who I also try to hang out with when schedules permit, but they have their lives too. So again, no man in my mix other than my son. But you ladies send me the most interesting stories sometimes. The ones that I get the most are about being in relationships with married men. Now I don't judge and frankly, I'm not even surprised. The more you experience life, the less shocking things are.

One of you ladies sent me a message that sat with me a little. This lady shared that she's been in a 5 year relationship with a man who's been married for 6 years. She tells me that he has 6 year old twins which is the main reasons for his marriage. In addition to this, she's known this man for 8 years and they always had an weakness for each other. And even with his marriage and his kids, they couldn't resist still seeing each other. I don't think there's a man in my life that I can't resist. And in the same breath, I don't know there's a man who can't resist me or maybe there is and he just keeps his distance. But that's a messy situation to be in, to be emotionally involved with someone who can't or won't completely be with you.

I would have told the reader to just have her fun because I do know of people who get involved without any serious attachments. Like my one friend, he loves his wife and children but he does do some extra things outside of his family. Even though I don’t agree with all of that, I admire that he is very upfront with the other women. He lays out his boundaries which then puts the decision on the woman to decide if she is okay with his conditions or not. I’ve seen him do this and I’ve known him a fair amount of years to know that if a woman were to claim that my friend told her things like he was going to leave his family for her, I’d know that would be a lie because he doesn’t talk like that and he doesn’t carry himself like that. There’s another friend I have who has been married a long time too that if a woman made claims that he was inappropriate with her, I’d called her a lying whore because I know my friend and he would never do anything offensive towards a woman. Look, I stand by my friends, especially the men who take care of their homes and families regardless of any extracurricular activities they may be involved in.

The Effort Series

This is actually a photo from a few weeks ago. I bought this dress because I liked the color, not because I had anywhere to wear it to. Many of the things in my closet are random buys like this one.

But, as for the reader who sent me the message, it seems like her heart is really invested in this man and this relationship. And it must be painful to love someone who goes home to his wife and children every night. Girl, I don't know what to tell you and I don’t how you're doing it. I could say so many feminist things like, just find you someone else, stop being stupid, you're better than this, let that man have his wife....but I know love and infatuation is complicated and you won’t let go of that man until you’re ready to do so. I have had friends who’ve gotten involved with people I knew were not a good fit for them, but I didn’t say anything because they wouldn’t have heard me…I have friend like this now who I’m secretly questioning their choices. They needed to see it for themselves and the best thing I could do was to just keep being supportive of them. Plus, I have my own demons with the men I've loved, so I really can't tell anyone who they can and cannot want. And I don’t know anything about the man’s marriage and we all know everyone’s marriage works differently. As for you, my lovely reader, I do wish you the best in this situation and hope you end up with a man who wants to come home to you and call you his wife.

We can't save ourselves from being hurt and keep making the decision that cause us to hurt, but we can always try to be happy. The question is, can with live with happiness that's at the expense of someone else? 

Love Me When You're Ready, Not When You're Vulnerable

06/10/2023: You readers are really trying to piece together “who is who” in my life 😅. And some of you are connecting the nicknames I gave the men I mention more recently to some of the previous topics, like this one. I wrote this back in February, so not too long ago. And some of you readers really make me blush with your messages 😳! A good number of you are really invested with me connecting with one of these men. Most of my thoughts from this topic are still the same, not thing has changed too much. There is more and less progression, but nonetheless everything is still as it has been with my love life. And if you guys are paying close attention then you know what my current love status is. 😏

“People like us never go hungry because there will always be someone who wants to feed us, but the problem is we can’t eat everybody’s food.”

A few of you keep inquiring about 2 things: The last man I was involved with and the young man I won’t get involved with. Now, I told you, I’ll share some of my experiences, but there is a limit to how much I’ll say. So let’s do this…

  1. The man I was last involved with: It dissipated around May 2021, it started around August 2020 right around the time Covid restrictions were getting lifted. I mentioned we had already know each other for several years and we fooled around on and off, but didn’t really get serious. (*This time around had the potential to be more substantial than the other times) So again, this lasted until May, a month later I had a car accident and a few months after that I had to deal with something serious that changed my whole outlook on life. We lost touch during that time, I’m not really sure why, those months are still a blur to me. I think overall, some of our issues were that my schedule had me spread out which made my availability limited, which at times made me seem distant. And I don’t think he had the patience for my sporadic time and I wasn’t always at ease with his impatience. But the funny thing is, how we are towards each other now is good and I think it’s because there’s no pressure to be or do anything more than just friends who catch up and laugh…well, lately he’s acting a little out of character, but I think there’s something he has to come to terms with or deal with on his own.

  2. The young man I won’t get involved with: I told both of my best friends about this guy and these heffers are telling me to do the whole “Stella got her groove back” type thing and we all know how that movie ended…yeah, I’m not doing that. Let’s stick to reality here folks. This 20-something years old is gorgeous, I give him that. But his attractiveness does not overshadow the fact he cannot empathize where I am in life right now. And again he is great, he’s career focus, manages his money well, he’s very chivalrous, he’s close to his family, and he constantly compliments me (which I love), but I just can’t do it. I cannot play with him, I don’t want to hurt him. I know people and have seen people get caught up like this and get themselves into a mess that they have to clean up afterwards, I am not going to be like that. I will continue to be friends with this young man, but that’s it. I cannot be vulnerable with him.

Speaking of vulnerability, let’s go on to the topic…

The Effort Series

I used to be good at doing a sultry gaze...don’t know if I still got it though.

Sometimes we fall victim to getting ourselves into situations because we’re lonely, vulnerable, or just not thinking clearly. Nobody wants to be just a time-filler in someone else's life. When you're dating because you're vulnerable, you're more likely to make decisions that do not have the best outcome and then you may become dismissive towards the person or relationship altogether. It's human to be flawed, but you need to be accountable for the ways you treat people you are in an intimate relationships with. If you're hesitant with the next steps of your relationship, take a step back and figure out why that is. Is it you? Is it them? Or did you just get caught up in something you didn't intent to?

Vulnerability can convince us to thinking we’re doing something right and disguise it with fun times, but really our judgments are clouded because we think all types of happiness is healthy. It’s not. — READ THAT AGAIN. It can be hard to distinguish if our decisions are truly good for us or if those decisions will become lessons. All of my relationships have been lessons in one way or another, but the most interesting thing is that each relationship was different, how I approach it, how I viewed it, and how I handled each man was different from the last. Some situations were just having fun, some were significant, and some were "Oh sh*t, what did we get into?". But I can honestly say each man I’ve gotten close to either shown me something about myself or brought something out of me I didn't know I had. Although, I'm not saying it was all good things 😆.

I still want to learn from my relationships, but not learning things that separate us, rather leanings things that keep us close and growing together. I guess a little part of you has to be vulnerable to be open to someone. It’s just finding that healthy balance and making sure we're not completely going down the wrong path and opening ourselves up to the wrong types of relationships. We get involved with people for many reasons and sometimes it leads to something unexpected or it leads to exactly what we intended, but who can predict what happens? I think the reality is we have to know what we want and not mislead what others may want from us.

Choosing With Your Head First, Then Your Heart

Sometimes we make mistakes with deciding on people, but when you keep making the same mistakes, it’s you, not them.

Ok, I am officially getting sick. I don’t know why I keep playing with my health like my immune system isn’t compromised. I know my guardian angels are about sick of me! Anyway, even though I’m feeling weak, I received a call from a good friend last night and we talked for a good while. I haven’t socially seen him since his birthday party back in July and I saw him briefly when there was an unfortunate incident that occurred with his family. Speaking with him made me feel so great, we discussed a few different things that I’ll probably incorporate them into a few topics here and there. I love my friend, he’s so great and it’s him and a few other’s like him whom I feel so comfortable and safe around. They are very honest and transparent with me and genuinely care about me and I am so blessed to have people like that in my life.

Ladies, don’t think I have any secrets about how to find good men. I don’t. Yes, I always speak highly of my guys friends, they are great men, but keep in mind that I am not in a romantic relationship with any of them. So, my point of view about them will be different from a woman who is sleeping with them. So don’t be over there believing I’m keep all the good men to myself. Come get these men! I love them, but the work all of my nerves. Like my one friend got himself this girl and nothing is wrong with her, but they are not on the same level in life and it’s only a matter of time before she filters out after he starts to notice things everyone else is noticing. But hey, we got to let our people do what they do.

Although, ladies, we have to do better too. We can’t just linger on every word a man tells us. What is he actually doing and what are the two of you doing? If your mind is going one direction, is his mind going the same direction? Are you trying to move the relationship forward and he seems to be hesitating or taking his time? Baby, that is a sign. He has his reasons for not moving at the same pace as you just like you have your reasons for not staying at his pace. Yes, people may take longer to be ready, but it’s up to you if you want to wait or not.

It is good to follow your heart, but don’t leave your head behind because when that heart of yours breaks, guess who has to pull double duty to get yourself back together? Yup, that good ol’ noggin. It can be hard to see what other people are seeing and to be practical about things when we are feeling and being loved, but when we stop thinking about other things that impact our lives, we open ourselves up to making decisions that don’t have the greatest outcome. You heart may be in the right place, you just need date someone who improves your value, not take away from it and make you look like you doesn’t know any better. It’s hard to explain these things to some men because they always like to believe that are sure of everything and know exactly what it is they are doing….Do you, sir? Do you really know???

The Effort Series

Legs.

Here's another thought I want to share with you. Let my try to give you guys an analogy. Let’s mark different levels in life with percentage numbers. A man at 50% will probably attract a woman who is also 50% or higher, but on the other side of it, he's definitely going to look like 100% to a woman who is at 20% or 30% because women like date up and will do more than a woman at 50% to get the man whom is at 50%. And the man probably knows this and likes her willingness to do more for him because the other women closer to his level are more likely to look for a man higher than 50% (are you following?). And when a man can't offer more or want to be more, he dates lower (are your hearing me?). Just let this sit on your mind a bit and think about your dating history or think about people you know and the type of people they date.

This is why I think it is better to date within your caliber, not too high, not too low, just that good range where you too are not constantly having to explain yourselves or struggling to communicate. This is one of the things my friend and I were talking about. As mature as some of the younger adults may seem to be, there’s still some things they just are ready to comprehend with people who have a little more experience in life. For instance, remember the 25 year old I met last year and I decided right away that I would not play games with him? I made that decision because although he is persistent, sweet, ambitious, and further ahead in life than most of his peers, mentally we are not in the same realm of understanding. Our lives are too different, I’ve been where he’s been already and so much more. Our progress is not on the same level, maybe in another 10 years, he’ll be where I am now, and I may have slowed down a little to where our lives better align, that’s just not the case right now. And although he is very attractive and a great guy, I know better than to get myself involved with someone who isn’t ready for my life.

Ladies, I will say this much…I do have a lot of attractive men in my circle. Sometimes I look at my guy friends and think, Damn, my boys look good. — Like as if I made them. You know what, I hope they say the same about me too.

Anyway, I’m not saying don’t take risks with people and relationships, just don’t let your heart be the only one making moves, let your head keep you leveled.

Love Challenge

“I like to engage with people of my caliber. I limit my attention to everyone else.”

So this topic came about after one of you readers suggested I start doing a few things differently to have a fulfilled love life…I love how your guys look out for me. Before I get in to that, to be clear, having a romantic relationship is not one of my top goals and you all know I’m stubborn, right? The last man I was involved with was in 2021. Remember in a previous post I mentioned I had a little back and forth with someone about the timeline of when I was last with a person? I did my research and confirmed my timeline. So the other person is confused and is probably telling the wrong information to make other people feel better…My thought is if you’re going to tell a part of my business, tell it right, don’t just say things to make yourself look better. Because when someone else doesn’t remember the same way, they may have been doing some bs on their end. Just my opinion.

The Effort Series

Coordination is a skill.

Look I want to enjoy my life and if I have to cry or be upset, I rather shed tears for other people who are going through troubles; I’m not shedding tears for myself anymore. And you can still value the history you have with someone, that's beautiful, but if there was any hurt or pain, you have to let that go and be grateful of where you are right now✅️. And with the guy there some things that happened which hurt me, he may have a different perspective and that's okay because today, we’re fine. He was the last significant relationship type of thing I had, but it’s not awkward when I see him.

Anyway, let’s move on. I will take some of these mentioned suggestions into consideration. And I also want to mention that I am starting to come out of my shell just a tad…I mean, I did go on a date a few weeks ago. That’s a start. I think with where I am at in life I can only sparsely dedicate my attention to building a relationship with someone new. I really don’t want to go through getting to know someone with the intention of something happening, I rather hangout with someone when my time permits and make the most of that time and if an intimate relationship develops, that’s okay, BUT I still want us to keep our initial friendly foundation like hanging out casually, talking about different life topics, and enjoying each other outside of sex. I need someone who is of my caliber and can fully understand that I have my life already setup to my preference and I am willing to bend my own rules on some things, but I cannot make compromises that take away from my stability. - A homie, lover, friend, that’s what I would like. (I think I talked about this in previous topics.)

Here are the suggestions made to me:

  1. Meet someone new each month: This won’t be hard because I meet people all the time when I am out because I am very welcoming and open to conversations with people around me although, I usually keep it at that and do not engage into anything further. I could be more open to connecting better with new people.

  2. Go on at least 2 dates a month: Well, I already did one in January, I guess I could be open to this.

  3. Reconnect with someone you already know: I have no comments for this one.

  4. Be more affectionate: I actually had this realization late last year that I am not very physically affectionate although, I am verbally affectionate, so I can improve on this.

  5. Agree to spontaneous trips with someone: Ummmm…this one I am a little hesitant on. Unless I already know the man very well or I’ve already been intimate with him, I am not so sure about just disappearing with a random person for a few days.

  6. Be more flirtatious: I think I am charismatic, but I am fuzzy on what flirting is. Do I just smile and give a man compliments? Or do I say suggestive things? Like if he asks me what I’m doing later do I say Him? Do I give him sultry looks? What defines as flirting that’s not too forward?

  7. Make special time to be with someone special: Well, I can do this. Once I have someone special, I can definitely devote some undivided time to him.

  8. Send good morning and goodnight messages: Again, once I have my homie, lover, friend, I am open to doing this.

Thank you dear reader who send me this list. I’m willing to be open to these things and see what happens.

January Summary

“Come with love and peace or leave needing it.”

WHEW…I don’t know about you guys, but this month has been A LOT! I hit the ground running on the first of the month and have not stopped yet! Plus we talked about a lot of topics in the last few weeks, wouldn’t you agree? I don’t think I have ever wrote this much in one month. I cannot promise it will continue to be like this, my Spring term is heavily centered around reading and research, so I may have a period of quietness, but don’t fret, I am never gone too long.

I also want to welcome the 800 new readers here, I don’t know what caught your interest to this site, but I am so happy you chose to be here and read or listen to all this madness. THANK YOU! For those of you who are new, I’m Raya. I developed this site in 2008. I write about topics pertaining to love, relationships, how to best navigate through them and to not lose yourself in the process. Many times I reference my own experiences, but I never get too personal.

The Effort Series

I listen to my church sermons online now, but when I used to go in person, I really made sure I was presentable.

I’ve already got a few topics set aside for February such as identifying the types of relationship you want vs. the types of relationship you get into and how you include other people into your relationship. For instance if people are always around you and getting involved into your personal details, then it’s their relationship too 🤷🏽‍♀️😆. I am also going to talk about the suggestion one of you readers gave me about my own love life…that’s going to be an interesting topic. Plus, are you guys zodiac people? Meaning you follow hard on what your birth sign is and how it relates to your future and the type of person you are? I’m not. Although, I do have friends like that and I do listen intently, I’m just not a full believer. One of my friends sent me a zodiac compatibility based on my sign, which I thought was very interesting and that’s going to be another topic. So yeah, February is mapped out it seems. Any of you have Valentine’s Day plans? I think I may do a spa day, wine and dine myself with a fancy dinner (there is the one resturant called Evnaglines that people keep telling me about, but I have yet to go to. I wonder if I’ll need a reservation if it’s just me…Hey, I have no shame in have dinner by myself. I enjoy my own company and that’s why I think the “Single” life with an understanding and caring lover-friend will work best for me), and maybe I’ll book a night at a local hotel. We’ll see.

Happy February everyone!

Be Strong For Them, Be Soft For Him

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. *My voice is still not 100%. 🤒

Being a woman of several achievements I have to maintain a strong presence in front of people, but I also have to show softness because….I am a woman. But you have to be selective with who you show your vulnerabilities to. You don’t want to get into a situation where you shown all your vulnerabilities to someone and they turn it against you to make themselves look better. You never know who has your best interest at heart or who even really is sharing their heart with you. Of course I'm talking about men in this regard. I’ve published many topics on what I want from a man and although most men may fit the standard they become complacent after some time and forget all the things they did you catch your interest. 😒

Dress | toxicenvyboutique.com

The last man I was involved with, we would sort of phase in and out with each other for over a span of many years and there were at least 2 points where we were really into each other like investing into what we both like and wanting to see each other and that was when we first met which was very unexpected because neither one of us anticipated keeping in touch for so long and the second time was when we reconnected after not speaking for a period of time. We would have our highlight moments and our mellow moments and I can admit there were definitely times when I was extremely vulnerable with him especially when there was a point where I had to make a decision that affected both of us and I was almost in pieces during that time. A lot of people don’t know or have never known my weakness or seen any or all of my weak moments, not even to my family. — Now that I’m really sit here and think about those times, it’s like, “What the fck was I doing?” 😵 Because that is always a concern of mine is letting someone see my vulnerabilities and fearing that they treat it like it’s nothing. But you know what? I do not regret showing him my weaknesses and being vulnerable to him in different ways because at those times, I felt completely comfortable with him, I trusted him, and I believed in him. And even though we are no longer involved in the same way now, we are civil, and regardless of what he thinks of me, I’m okay with him knowing that part of me because he was who I was sharing myself with at that time.

I told a friend that I don’t know how to act when I bring the “girls” out.

This is why I do not treat sex as just sex. I am allowing you into my life, I’m sharing my time with you, my personal space, my thoughts, my visions, my moods, my whole personality. I can’t just close off parts of me and still let you sleep with me. I can close myself off to others because they are not experiencing me the same way. Where I may have to maintain a certain persona for others, I should be able to let my guard down to someone I’m intimate with, right? Who I am in my professional life, my work life, my family life, and even my social life is different that who I am as a lover. I want to be able to relax around someone and not feel like I still have to maintain a rock exterior because he doesn’t want to embrace my softer side.

Ladies, you don’t want someone who wants you to fit his mold, you want to show your softness to someone who doesn’t have a mold. Someone who knows your day was shitty and still finds a way to make you laugh or feel better in some way. You don’t want someone who dismisses your vulnerabilities, but yet still expects you to understand when they’re feeling low. I told you earlier the last man I was with we were very much into each other in the beginning, talking to each other frequently, excited to see each other and would just completely enjoy each other. This is how you want it with someone, but not just in the beginning, you want it throughout the whole duration of your time together. You want someone who still shows they care after the first few weeks or months, for instance, I’ve been under the weather the last few days, I would have loved for a man to come bring me food or warm up my comforter or even simply asked if I needed anything just to make me feel better. I love it when a man wants to be present for me…I mean he’ll need to fight past my initial refusal for help, but after he conquers that, he may as well just go ahead an conquer me. — I’ll admit it, I’m on some bs when it comes to asking for help or saying I need someone. I’m working on it, never said I was perfect. 🥺

No, it won’t be rainbows and sunshine everyday with someone, I’m sure I’ve said that before, but if you both make it a point to clear the clouds for each other, then being vulnerable with that person should feel natural, don’t fight it. I had to learn this: when you avoid opening up and not showing your softer side to someone who wants to care, it can cause people to become closed off to you. So you don’t want to be destructive and block your blessings by feeling like you still have to be strong when you have someone who is willing to hold you when you’re not.

I want to end with this thought: Sometimes what we want isn’t what we need and I think this is a lesson we just keep having to learn because with what we want, it is what motivates us and pushes us; what we want is a goal, but what we need tends to humble us, keeps us grounded, and reminds us that we don’t have to be so hard all the time. And if you think about it, sometimes the people we butt heads with the most are the people who are more like us. Either that, or it’s people who want us to be our best and tries to get us out of our comfort zones, but we keep going back and forth with them because we don’t want to go out of our comfort zones.

I embrace every year that I age. I’m so happy I didn’t get into any drugs or smoking, or damaged my organs, and that I took care of my skin because I have seen people younger than me look like they surpass me by at least 10 years. And I love a man who appreciates a woman aging gracefully.

Sometimes people can see when we are not living up to who they know we can be, those are the people who pay attention to us. I tend to question my friends when I see them doing things or surrounding themselves with people who don’t highlight their best traits. One of my friends has people around him that he has know for a few years and I’m not too keen on them, I don’t really share my opinion on it because he considers them as friends and he has fun with them and that’s great, but I do feel like those people kind of drain him and I know people who have known him for 15 plus years and they are the caliber of people who can attest to his character because they’ve been around him and seen him in many scenarios. Although, those fun, free-loving people are cool to pass the time with, there is a limit to how much we allow them into our lives. No matter what type of a connection I may have with someone, if they don’t have the same types of things going on in their lives that I have to account for or be responsible of, then there is only but so much I can relate with them.

Friends should not have to tiptoe around each other when we are making questionable moves. I want you to be great because I know you can be better than what your are showing me right now. — No reason to get upset or defensive with people when they are just trying to open up to you because they see something that isn’t good for you, they are just trying to look out for you because they care. So in this sense, allow people who care about you to point out your vulnerabilities and weaknesses because they just want you to be the best you can possibly be.

Identifying Intimacy: A Lover's View

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. (2 parts)

We are in November, can you believe it? 2022 is almost over. I hope all of you got to do everything you wanted to this year. For me this year was kind of like a transformation and repurpose year because last year was my pain year due to things I had to undergo and force me to reshift my focus and rebalance a few things. This year was good, I got another degree in May which is also my birthday month so I have a great celebration. Then in August I decided to go back into school and work on a doctorate’s degree. So yeah, this year has been a hustle and there’s 2 more months left, so there’s not telling what more could happen. I’m not a zodiac or horoscope type of person, but I do believe in the magic of the universe and people. I believe that energies connect with one another whether positive or negative and become something bigger.

I just learned that on November 8th there is going to be a Full Moon Lunar eclipse, and the next one won’t happen for another 3 years. With this eclipse, I read that spiritually, it is about ending cycles, and letting go of pain and bad habits. Well why would you want to hold on to those things anyway? Those are heavy to carry. It’s also about getting out of your comfort zones, speaking your truths and feelings, having new insights, opening your eyes to transformation…wait, didn’t I just say this year as my transformational year? And the eclipse is in Taurus ♉️ during the time of Scorpio ♏️, which I do not know what that exactly means, but my birth sign is Taurus, and both Taurus and Scorpio people will be most affected by this eclipse. For fun I added some other details about the eclipse and it’s spiritual elements. 💫

WARNING: This is going to sound like a sappy romance novel which is funny because that's one of genres that I least like to read. And many times in those stories the two people who surprise each other are the ones who either didn't get along or disputed too much or didn't really open their eyes to each other in the beginning. I don't believe there’s a current man in my life whose able to surprise me. I could be wrong, I’ve been wrong before.

I kind of want to be chased, pursued, but men don’t do that anymore these days. They expect the woman to make the first moves. I wasn’t raised like that. I hate this younger social media generation that has changed the dynamics of relationships and love. It’s like the most basic actions like a guy opening the door for you or paying the restaurant tab, or just texting you to say good morning is seen a elite behavior when really, it’s just being a decent man. I’ll just say it, these girls today set the bar very low for these men and woman like me are not impressed. 😒

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll keep saying it: I value intimacy. I love creating a connection with someone, I think when 2 people just breathe in each other, it’s a beautiful euphoria. I value someone who wants to know me on a deeper level and not just what I like to do for fun. Someone who knows that I like the wing flats and saves me some. Someone who says, “No, she is not like that.” when my name is brought up in conversations and he affirms that he really knows me. It’s not just having conversations, it’s seeing me in my all my elements. I want to be special to him, not just someone who is only special on certain days. I want someone to say, “Hey I’m heading to a place you should come.” It doesn't have to be a lot because to me, the little things matter. Like giving me compliments, kissing my forehead, holding my hand, walking me to my door. Someone who chooses me while we’re in this together however long it lasts, and doesn't mind letting other women know I’m important to him. 😘

I want a lover. I like that term, “Lover”, it can mean so many things, but it’s the idea of two people making the most of every moment they are around each other and this may just sound like a good friendship and initially, that is what it is, a friendship with extra care and passion. Just like how you would take care of a plant or maintain your car, you have to cultivate the love. When I say “love” I'm not meaning it in the way couples may use it, I’m referring to it as a feeling of freedom and happiness. And the great thing about having a lover is that sometimes lovers are not forever, sometimes they are temporary and temporary can be any timeframe. A healthy distraction from work and school may be good for me, but with the way I’m going I can’t say how realistic that could be.

I don’t want a marriage, I want a romance. You see, you can love many people in your life and be with many people and each of them is different, right? So I want to have an experience that I've never had before. I want him to hold me like no man has ever before. And I want him to look at me and be so proud to even know me, let alone be able to have me. I want him to smile when he sees me walk into a room or when my name pops up on his phone.

I don’t want us to fit into the world around us, but rather the world be intrigued by us, because we refuse to conform to what is considered normal. Intimacy isn't just sex, it’s the actions of compassion. A homie, lover, friend, that’s what each of us should have…in one person. 🥰

Against The Odds

I had to add a response after getting several message regarding the guy I mentioned in the audio.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. This one is a little longer because I mentioned some personal things that is not written in the content, **Not an intimate man in my life, but a man in my life is brought up.

Most of you think I'm always dressed to the nines, trust me, when I write these things I'm usually in sleep clothes or an oversized t-shirt. Although, I have gotten comfortable with wearing sweatpants outside the house. And I do not really go out often, contrary to popular beliefs. Yes, after a long day or week, I have some go-to places I like to visit, but I don't really make plans to make a night of it. I just like to have a drink in social atmospheres. When I run into people I know, I do stay out longer, but initially my intentions are normally to have 2 drinks and go home. I am very much a square. And I'm sure whoever I get involved with will appreciate that I'm not a woman who's always about town. Which leads me to this topic…

I am generally in front of my laptop 8-14 hours a day. I started setting up alarms on my phone to remind me to step away from the screen so my eyes can readjust.

So some of you ladies have voiced your disappointment for me because you feel that I encourage infidelity. How you interpret my words is most likey based on what you've already predetermined about men, relationships, and possibly me. So I'll relay the same message again…

Many times I’ll say that what a man does when I’m not around is not a major concern for me, BUT it will become an issue if what he does negatively impacts my health, my stability, and my overall happiness. I generally keep all this vague because I want you to interpret it in your own way that works for you, because what works for me may not be something you agree with. — We don't have to agree to be happy with our relationships or ourselves.

No, I’m not saying it’s okay for a man to cheat his partner, I don't ever condone that. What I am saying is that a man has to be consistent in securing his partner and still making her feel valued, wanted, cherished, and loved no matter what he does especially if he wants to keep the relationship going. Reassuring a woman is a unique skill and when a man is able to do this, everything and anyone else is just background noise. Furthermore, not every man is capable of managing his behavior and his emotions when it comes to other women in his life and this is what causes conflicts with the main woman in his life. Many times when men go out and do whatever it's not because they are missing something with the woman he's already with, it's more often because someone else wants him and men find it appealing to be wanted, it feeds their pride and egos. Some act on it. Some don't. *More in the audio.

These are what my nights usually look like. Food in bed, a book, and tv on in the background.

Even though 2 people come together in a relationship, they are still 2 separate people who have their own thoughts and opinions. Yes, there will be some similarities, but they are still 2 different people, not clones of each other. So there are elements of their lives that won't directly involve the other. Again, I don’t advocate or support men to act against the love and commitment towards their partner, I more encourage women to not solely focus on what is not happening in front of them and instead focus on how the man treats them and makes them feel. Your life cannot revolve around one person because then you become dependent on them for your happiness. Whether you are married, dating, or just casually involved with someone, if you only look to that person for your own validation then you will always have an issue anytime they are not around you.

If I am involved with someone, no matter what the status of our relationship is, there are still some proprietary elements that I want protected which includes my heart and my health. My main gripe is when I don’t know my place with a man and he doesn't make it clear, instead he plays on my emotions and makes me feel like I’m wrong when I speak on what bothers me. *More in the audio.

I strive be in bed/sleeping between 8p-10p each night.

I am usually very laid back and go with the flow. I'm very much a “guy's girl” in the sense that I like going to bars, I watch sports, I talk shit, and I'm not stuck up or hard to approach, but if I'm fooling with you in any type of way and you try to challenge my intelligence and rationale, then that's the shit that will trigger a very ugly side of my attitude.

Don’t let what you do out there negatively effect what we have going on over here. Don’t let people out there try to influence you to act differently with me. And lastly, don’t do shit in front of me that you know will be a problem.

This doesn't mean I promote infidelity, this encourages a man to maintain a level of respect for his woman by keeping the nonsense away from her, because that's what most of you are worried about right? Is having to deal with any nonsense a man causes, but if it never comes to your attention or if he's still on top of make you feel number one, then what's the problem?

Enjoy your life and if you have someone, enjoy your life with them, but don’t get caught up in the “What if he’s doing something when I’m not around?” Focus on the “What he’s doing right here, right now, right in front of you.” — A good man is going to always make you feel valued and cherish even when you’re not seeing eye to eye, he is still not going to let any outside factors come between the two of you. Love that about him. *More in the audio.

Men Have The Audacity

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Let me start by saying I have just as many guy friends as I do girl friends, but there is usually an imbalance of who I hang out with more because I do not always agree with every woman’s common perspectives on men and relationships and my girl friends don’t usually like my input. — Ladies, sometimes we have to take some of the blame when relationships fail or if you are constantly looking for love, but love never finds you. There is a statement I saw that reads: “None of my exes are married or in happy relationships, so I know I wasn’t the problem.” - This may be true for some of you, but what about the latter? What if almost every ex you have went off and got married? Then does that mean YOU were the problem? I guess that would all depend on how many relationships you had, the longevity of each one, what transpired within the relationship, and what caused it to end.

BUT, let me get back on track…when men fck up, they fck up pretty bad, but downplay it like what they did wasn’t big deal. In the clip created by Jess Hilarious, it emphasizes a man being upset that a woman is possibly seeing other men. Then she responds to him by stating he has a NEWBORN. I think this information implies that the man was sleeping with other women while in some form of building or starting something with her, but he is making it seem like it shouldn’t be an issue.

A clip from comedian, Jess Hilarious.

Of course this is an exaggerated example, but it brings light to how men behave and still expect women to fall in line with their bad behavior. Okay, so you can go and have a child with another woman, but I have to be okay with it and still give you a chance? THE AUDACITY. It’s similar to him saying he’s interested in you, but then talks to other women and gets upset with you when you talk to other men, like you cannot dare do the same thing he’s doing.

Real Life Scenario: I was involved with someone and those of you who’ve been coming to this site a long time know I don’t entertain multiple people. So the guy and I are out one night having fun, enjoying the crowd and talking with people around us. I think nothing of it. It was a good night. But later on the guy mentions that I was acting different when another man came around (WHAT?). I was really trying to wrap my head around what he thought he saw and the actual reality of the situation which was we were have conversations with everyone around us and I didn’t change my body language in any way to make it seem like I was giving someone other than him special attention. In hindsight, that was an insecurity on his part. If he had an issue, he should have addressed it sooner than later because the sooner you address something, the better perspective you receive. I noticed he would casually bring things like this up, making assumptions I was talking to other men. It wasn't until later on I sensed he did this to justify himself, to deflect his poor behavior and lack of consideration for me because one time he let another woman be all over him! IN FRONT OF ME. It wasn’t one of those things where a man is dancing in the moment and just enjoying the atmosphere and a woman around him is doing the same. No, it was him letting this girl fondle all over him, sit on his lap like they were a couple and him just soaking it up and smiling about it. Fam, you do that on your own time, not when the woman you're sleeping with is around you. And then he acted like I was the one with an issue when I had an attitude about it. 🤨 — Okay Sir, be out here and clown all you want to. I told you men are stupid, right? Yeah, STUPID. This is why when you fck up with me, there’s no chance of you ever getting close to me again, so let’s hope that move was worth it. I wish you well and all the happiness the world believes you deserve.

Bralette: Savage x Fenty Collection

Never in my life have I ever had to approach a man so I definitely don’t feel I need to chase one. If a man is not attracted to me or does not see how great I am, that’s fine, I’m not going to force anything on him — and me questioning certain things isn’t forcing, it’s gaining clarity. Some men don’t know this difference and thinks a woman is pressuring him. Like when you bring up things that bother you he makes it seem like you're the one that's being a bother. 😐 Fam, I'm trying to communicate my feelings to you! And the kicker is they think you're trying to argue when it only becomes an argument when they get offended and want to turn it back on you. Because they don’t understand emotional intelligence and aren't able to process how their actions affect your feelings 🙄

On the other side of the male spectrum, you guys remember the young man I met and decided not to string him along? Well, he still reaches out to me now and then and every time he does I more and more realize he does not understand or want to understand everything I need to do to maintain my life. I’m not going to go into details and I know he means no harm because again, we are at different stages in life so he cannot relate to me and of course he won’t full grasp why I’m not always available. But every time he reaches out to me it’s a constant reminder of, “Girl, you don’t have time to explain it to him, just type LOL and go.” He will be a great partner for someone one day, but I’m not her and I’m not about to waste his time while also wasting my time.

I don't need attention from everybody. If I like you and want to build something with you, I only want attention from you. It would be great if men started to practice this type of thinking too. This is called Accountability over Audacity. Let’s all work on this.

My Phone Code

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One of my guilty pleasure is that I like to scroll through my social media accounts for mindless entertainment. Much of it is silly pet videos but others things that make my laugh are the women posting advice, tips, and horror stories about dating and men.

Ladies, if you have not picked up on this yet….MEN ARE STUPID. Not stupid in the sense they cannot do math or tie their shoes, but stupid in the sense they don’t always know how to talk to us or handle us. It’s like when a man gets around a woman all his common sense escapes his body. Although to be fair, women are a mixed bag, but that does not excuse the foolish ways men act around women. Even seeing a half naked woman makes them a little brain dead.

Anyway, more about my guilty pleasure. There’s this trending argument about whether or not to look through a man’s phone. My personal thought is, DON’T DO IT. Unless you are law enforcement or an emergency responder trying to get the last contact number for a victim, you should not be looking through anyone’s phone but your own.

Some women argue, “Well, how do I know if he’s lying to me or not?” - B*TCH, YOU KNOW IF A MAN IS LYING TO YOU WITHOUT NEEDING TO GO THROUGH HIS PHONE. If you don’t want to trust your own instincts, then go ahead and keep making yourself crazy. But let's look at this at 2 different angles…

  • If he's not doing anything, you're going to damage the relationship by lacking trust and confidence in him. Plus, if he has a female friend like me, you're going to think my text messages have some ulterior motives because I can use very loving words towards my friends such as, “My dear”, “My love”, “All my love to you”, “Thank you for being a gentleman”, “Thank you for thinking of me”, etc. If a woman were to see that, she's going to think something is going on. But what she won't see is how I still keep my distance with my friends who are married and in relationships; I won't contact them after a certain hour, nor on the weekends unless we're hanging out on the weekend, and I don't behave suggestively when I'm around them other than giving a hug and being excited to see them, I don't throw myself on them. But I can be very affectionate towards my guy friends.

  • If he is doing something, what exactly do you plan to do with the information you found? Are you going to leave him? Are you going to stay and always be second guessing everything he says? We know the saying ignorance is bliss. If you are happy, he's making you happy, you give each other space and still spend quality time together, people know you're together, and he's taking care of you, why ruin your own happiness? *I'm not advocating you stay with someone who breaks your heart, tears you down, makes you feel unvalued, and constantly has you questioning his feelings for you. I'm saying there is always going to be gray clouds in a relationship no matter what the issue is, but if he's doing his best to keep those clouds from blocking your sunlight or he's holding an umbrella over you when the rain comes, then love him for that. (I’m using a lot of metaphors here, I hope you're catching the underlying messages.)

I think myself as being realistic meaning men are men. They look at women, they talk to women, they flirt with women. I see it, I experience it. ALL. THE. TIME. And to be fair to the men, they blindly do it not always realizing what they're doing, granted sometimes men can take it too far, but I'll still never go through a man's phone. Because guess what, when you go looking for something you're going to find it even if it's not what you believe it is, but the fact that you'll grasp onto anything that supports your suspicion, whatever you find even if it's innocent, you're going to turn it into a mess.

For anyone I end up with, I can only hope he is the type of man who won't let anything or anyone come to my doorstep, call my phone, or approach me in any type of way and hold something over me as if I'm the one that's losing. If he's heart is with me then his actions with show it. It will be an element of pride for him to secure our relationship to know he has someone great and whoever tries to interfere won't reach their goals. They may claim a few fun moments, but they won't be able to claim him. — Am I making any sense? Are you guys understanding me? Ladies, hopefully you're not passing too many judgements against me. All I'm saying is, if you're relationship is good, let it be good. Don't let those dark suspicions have you going through his phone.

Misleading

When you know someone is intrigued by you but, you are not as intrigued with them or not in a space where you can give them the better of you, it’d be in your best interest not to mislead them…like sending them suggestive messages, using terms of endearment, or even being affectionate can encourage people to develop a false sense of certainty. Emotions are unpredictable and can cause people to do things they normally wouldn't do. You can’t control what others think or feel, but you can control what you do and say with other people.

Top: JLuxLabel | Skirt: H&M

Let me give you a scenario (real life): There is a young man I met recently and when I say “young man” I really mean, young man….like I'm at least 10 years older than him. How we met, I was out by myself, per usual, and he sat next to me and began a conversation. I gave him my number just as a friendly gesture and didn't think anything more of it. The next day he sent me a text, very casual: “Hey love, how are you today?” I responded in similar tone. Through a few conversations, I got to learn a bit about him. He is very career oriented, in fact he does very well and is much further in life mentally and financially than many others his age. He’s not into the partying life or even going out frequently (I do admire that). He doesn't have any children and never been married. He’s also very close to his family (I love that too). I’m really impressed with all this considering his age and his looks. — Yes ladies, he's a very handsome young man, nice smile, good teeth, healthy skin, tattooed, well groomed, and he routinely goes to the gym, so yeah, I’d say he's a great catch for any women…correction, any focused woman between the ages of 23 to maybe 27. But for whatever reason, he's trying to play ball on my court. Hopefully, he’ll grow weary of me soon and set his sights on another woman. The one big difference I notice with the younger men is that THEY ARE NOT AFRAID TO TELL YOU THEY WANT YOU. I guess the misplaced “man-pride” that comes with age hasn’t grown on them yet.

I won’t lie, it’s very flattering getting this attention especially since no man in my preferred age group is asking me how my day is 😒 (they all must have gotten themselves in serious relationships now), but here's why I won’t take it too far with this young man:

Even though he is determined and puts forth effort to accomplish his goals, he is still at a different place in life than me (realistically, you can be at different places in life with someone your own age too) and in some of our conversations it’s very apparent that we are from different generations, the terms he uses (he once texted “ofc” — Fam, tell me why I had to Google it to find out it is a shorted way to say “of course”, WTF?!) , the things he talks about, stuff that he's interested in (his ears don’t have a broad range for music), etc. There was something that irritated me a little about him; he kept saying I was high maintenance because I mentioned my preferences with certain things. — I am maintaining myself and what I like is what I like. There is nothing wrong with catering your life to your preference. I think he is mis-defining high maintenance with what others his age are considering overzealous or too much.

I’m not one of those people whose in denial of how old I am or trying to keep up with the younger lifestyles and I’m not trying to impress them. And this may not make sense to a lot of people, but I lived a lot very early in life. Now, I have a lot of things keeping me busy and I’m constantly on the go; I don’t have much time to offer and the time I do have I want to do what I like. This young man also wants children and if any of you have been longtime readers then you know that more kids is a No for me. I really do love the considerate messages and compliments he continues to give me, but I cannot do or say anything that may be misinterpreted into letting him think there could be something serious, I won’t even tease him with anything casual either. With all this in mind, I don’t want to block any of his blessings and take up his valuable time when he could be spending it with someone who is willing to give him what he wants. So I’ve kept all our communication very simple and friendly.

*I almost caved one evening when I met him for drinks. He was sitting very close to me, we were have a great time and I was laughing about something he said and in that same moment he grasps my neck, pulls me closer, and gently kisses right below my jawline 😳. It was that subtle dominance that I like, but I pulled away and stayed coy. He didn't try anything more after that and we continued to have good conversations the rest of the evening. I knew even more then that I had to be very careful with him. But since he is becoming my friend and I’m learning more about him, I find myself starting to be protective of him — he is a good man and very much deserving of a woman who won’t play games with him — including me. Ladies, with these young men, we can’t let the GOOD ones get broken. — Like some of the men my age and older 😒.

We have to be aware of what we are doing to people even if we “think” it’s innocent, they may not see it the same way, but it's hard if you are naturally personable, charismatic and welcoming to people. Sometimes we have to stop and see ourselves from the outside because unbeknownst to us, we can mislead people without realizing it.

And a personal note: If I am in a casual relationship with someone or sleeping with someone, no matter how our situation is defined… don’t give another woman extra attention in front of me, don’t allow her to hang on to you, don’t hang on to her, don’t make it look like you're involved with her and treat me like an afterthought because at that point I’m going to wonder which one of us you’re misleading. Do your nonsense on your own time and space; respect my presence when we’re in the same environment. Or…if we are not involved in any intimate way and you are interested in me, but you're showing another woman more attention because you don’t want to seem too interested in me then….Go do what you want Fam. I’m good.

Single Does Not Equal Lonely

To all the ladies who email me to ask what is so amazing about being single or wonder if I ever feel alone or don’t understand my need for solitude, this post is for you….

Let me start with saying my solitude is my safe space where I relax and reflect on my decisions, my future, and just go through my thoughts. My solitude cannot have distractions. I do various things on my own that is considered being in the confines of solitude: catch up on shows or watch movies, spend time with my kids, read, head to a coffee shop to work, go to a happy hour, or just fully rest and pamper myself. Solitude does not mean there are no people around you, it just means you take the time for yourself and do things you enjoy. The distraction would be if I adjust my enjoyment for someone else’s enjoyment.

Secondly, I do not ever feel alone or lonely. I have my groups of friends and each of them fit my life differently. The other night I decided to catch up with a very dear friend and we watched the finals (GS vs Boston), it was a great time, we caught up on new things going on in our lives, we laughed, we joked, and I was home before midnight. Then I have my childhood friends who I chat with every so often and we just share our currents thoughts throughout our day. And I have a few friends I sometimes run into when I’m out doing random things and we may sit and be in each other’s company for a while. Then of course I have my kids. So you see, I am never alone or even feel alone. — That’s a mindset.

The thing most of you may be jammed up on is the intimacy and companionship of being romantically or casually involved with someone. I don’t really require that, but what I do require is protection…protection of knowing I am loyal, but I also need my “me time” and with that, it does not mean I am giving what I share with you to anyone else, and not to hold it against me or be upset or speak down about me because I want a few days alone or to do other things…that for me is the intimacy I want. I’ve not had my fair share of relationships, I can count one 1 hand the number of people I’ve been serious about. I never felt that a relationship defines who I am or who I can be. Although, I do empathize with many of you women and I do like some elements of companionship. Remembering little details about me, what I like and make an attempt to see me smile. Yes, check in on me frequently and if I am involved with you in any way, I won’t ignore your call/message. I have no issue with saying I’m just relaxing for a few days or I’ll say that I have plans to go catch up with friends or if I’ll be out of town, or whatever I have in line that may keep me for spending time with you. Don’t get upset or use it against me to become distant. I am also not the kind of woman to be with any and every man, so I will never be involved with more than one person at a time and if a man thinks that of me, especially if I’m not behaving in that way or displaying poor values, then that is a sector of his doubts and insecurities, not mine. I like giving reassurance because I appreciate that too, calling me crazy or being dismissive of me when I ask about something/someone is a red flag I cannot ignore (and it may awake certain demons that don’t need to be up and who aren't pleasant to have around.) Have your fun and have your solitude too, but don’t minimize and discount what we share.

I am not against relationships, I love seeing people happy with someone and going through life together. And the parameters of a relationship is different for everyone. The only thing I like about my solitude and privacy is that no one really knows all the details of my life, they see what they see and may assume certain things, but if I am involved with someone, the one thing I won’t do is discuss the specifics of what we do or say with any outsiders. And I also won’t say anything foul against you if I am upset. — I surely won’t rally people not to speak to you or befriend you because I believe in people deciding for themselves how to communicate with others. I am here and stand by you until we decide different…that’s part of my loyalty along with many other values. Like I said in my last post:

What comes fast also goes fast. If it’s simple, you won’t be challenged. And nothing that is worth it is easy.

I don’t want fast, I don’t want simple. I don’t want easy. I also don’t want someone who is accessible to any and every woman. I am willing to go through the motions, but someone has to be just as willing too. — And any form of relationship with me isn’t going to be normal or what you may expect.

The Makings of a Perfect Lover

I use the term Lover a bit loosely without giving you my definition behind it. Some of my friends laugh at me because they believe it is an old English term, but I think it’s useful and has its purposes. A Lover is the blurry area between a friend, boyfriend and husband. And no one is asked to be a Lover, you kind of just fall into the the title.

Bare with me, this can get confusing….

Let’s start with the basics. Everything begins a friendship and what’s a friendship? — A companion you have some things in common with and enjoy sharing time and having conversations with. And even within friendships, there is an element of loyalty and commitment, wouldn’t you say? With a boyfriend or husband there is an automatic defined commitment, yes? With a Lover, it’s not as clear cut. At this point you may be thinking of a more modern term such as being in a “Situationship” with someone…no, a Lover does have some firm definition within its own ambiguity.

A Lover is a friend, but a Lover is not a boyfriend. A Lover keeps the foundation of loyalty in the sense of he is still considering your thoughts and feelings to a certain point. A Lover may or may not show up for special occasions or troubled occasions, but if he is a true friend, he will if he is able to or he will at least give you a call/text to see how your are. For those around you, your relationship with your Lover may look like different things to them — that you two are great friends, that you two are completely fond of each other, or both. And no, a Lover has no obligation to you like a boyfriend, but he still has a soft spot for you and cares for you deeply.

Let me give you a scenario.

If I am in a crowed room with my Lover, we did not arrive together, he does not have to fawn over me, but he does give me slightly more attention than anyone else in the room as if he were an admirer. He may converse with other people, but he keeps a close eye on me. And he doesn’t do anything suggestive with other women in front of me that might get me upset or sway me to distance myself from him. We also don’t have to leave together, I may leave before him, he may leave before me, but he does ensure I get to my vehicle or that I get home safely. And if I do exit before him and he stays behind, his thoughts of me still remain intact in a way that he may now give more attention to other women, but they are still not getting the same treatment as I do. You see where this is starting to get confusing?

Ultimately, a man makes himself a Lover. A Lover will have to make his own judgment calls when I am around and when I am not around. Is he looking for a new woman to share in his affections or is he still infatuated with me? He may not share with people the details of our arrangement, but he also doesn’t downplay it for others, for example, everyone knows there is something between us, but no one knows exactly what. And if we are at odds, will it skew his actions with other women? Will he call someone else to give him special company? And will he still value the foundation of our friendship?

Perfection is a fantasy word and the unfortunate part about a Lover is that he may NOT be a Lover to you tomorrow because there is not commitment of longevity, but that’s where you have to separate the emotions and have mature conversations about what is changing between the two of you.

One night stand

Reader Question: “Raya, what do you think about one night stands? Have you ever had one?”

I chuckle as I’m trying to think of how to say this…

The last one night stand I had ended up being a 5-6 year thing. 😅 I really did not think I would ever see that man again, he was only in town for one more night when I met him and I went against all my “safe” decisions that whole evening….so yeah, I’m not the best person to speak on this topic.

For me, the one night stand thrill isn't my thing. Never was. But again, that one night I did everything out of the norm and ended making a long term acquaintance. — Won’t be doing that again.

Here's some stories from you about your one Night encounters….

The one story I cannot get over is the woman who said she ran into her one night stand the next day when he came to her place of business with his WIFE AND KIDS! 😲 — See, this is why I can't do things like that, a little mystery is good, but if you're the type of man to do things like that, just let the woman know so she can make her own decision. We're all grown, what's the worst that could happen if you tell the truth??? That she says no? 😒 I know for a fact there's plenty women who will still say yes, no matter what situation you're in. I'm not one of those women though, be safe out there kids. I may not want to be anyone’s wife right now and I may joke about indecent things or give grace towards my friends who do indecent things, but I am still of wife-caliber. Get it?

Read more at MEMBERS ONLY.