Cougar-ish

“How long should a woman keep being selfish with her Hello Kitty?…And when does the “cougar age” begin?…Asking for a friend.” 😂

The last few months I have gotten so many messages from women telling me about their personal experiences with dating younger men. Some good and some not so good, but with all of the stories I read, ALL OF YOU NEED JESUS!

Thank you to all my willing and non-willing participants. - Love, Raya 😘

If anyone is new here, let me give you some background on why women are sharing their experiences. Last year, I met a young man whom is over 10 years younger than me. Nothing has developed other than a friendship because I let him know I cannot offer him anything more than just that. Every now and then, he tries to convince me otherwise, but I still stand my ground. He does have all the accolades of a man my age and older and I do love how he talks to me (he makes me blush sometimes with the things he says), the way he dresses could be a little better, but he’s 25 and he’s in that generation of questionable style, but he does have a beautiful smile, and very muscular…he’s a gorgeous young man, but I still will not let him have me. I even asked one of my guy friends what I should do with him and he told me that I don’t owe him anything and I have the upper hand so I can do whatever I want with him and not feel guilty about it. I think the guilty part is what keeps me from letting this young man pull my panties to the side. He’s from Chicago, so that’s what I will refer to him as.

But the stories that YOU LADIES shared with me…I feel like I need to take my brain out and wash it several times over because you are too much! But in each story, the ladies made it clear that the experience was purely for their pleasure and entertainment. Some of the women spoiled their young men, flew them out on trips, took them shopping, had them run errands, or do chores around the house….and I am just fascinated! I am capable of doing things like that for a man and I do not have issues spoiling a man, but it’s the thought of doing such things and when he cannot do the same for me is another thing I am stuck on. But Chicago is cable of treating me because he already has a professional career with a 401k and substantial savings…I still can’t give into him though.

One of you ladies suggested that I just try him out to see if this is something I can be comfortable doing. I’m like “try him out?” — He’s not a pair of shoes, he’s a person. He has feelings. I can’t just put him back on the shelf if it’s not a good fit. My guy friends tell me that if I do decide to do anything with him and I do not like the whole experience or vibe then I can just cut him off without explanation. Hey, I’ve mentioned plenty of times that my guy friends are a little unfiltered. And you know what I realized a few times when hanging out with them, I don’t think most of them know how old I am. I think they may presume I am close to their age because I connect with them very well and effortlessly, but realistically, most of the male friends I communicate with often average 8-14 years older than me. Some of them have asked me my age, but I never gave a straight answer.

“Bitties”

Dear Future Lover,

Treat me good and you will have it ALL.

As far as this whole idea of being involved with someone much younger, there is no convincing me that this is a good idea. Another woman shared that she was fooling around with a young one in college and even attended his graduation and went to his graduation party WHERE HIS FAMILY WAS AT!!! 😮 Yeahhh, I don’t want to meet any family, especially parents. Another woman shared that she went to her young lover’s baby shower, BABY SHOWER that was held at the expecting girl’s parents house! Of course I had so many questions for this devious woman! But what almost knocked my out of my chair was when she said that they had sex in the baby-momma-to-be bed while everyone was outside! I have no words. But you know what, I do like for a man I’m involved with to suggest risky things like that. 💦

From what I gathered from all of the ladies stories is that younger men want to please you because it boosts their ego and confidence to have an older woman so they are going to make more of an effort to give you what makes you happy, but they are still going to try to assert dominance because they don’t want to be treated like a child, so they may challenge you a bit…which I do not mind at all, I like for a man to put bass in his voice and check me sometimes 😼. They want you to know that they ARE grown men even though they are younger. Although, all of you ladies said in one form or another that the young ones still have their childish ways, but the good thing about being older is that you already have your life structured to how you want it, so you can close the door anytime if the young man isn’t entertaining anymore. — I’m like, Woooow, you women are COLD! 👀

I am still not convince that this is a route for me. Maybe in another 10 years, but I just cannot see myself in those kinds of situations. Chicago is just going to have to eventually move on or deal with me not giving in. 😌

Acts of Service

“Don’t ask me who else is taking my attention, instead be the one I want to make time for.”

With me keeping myself to myself going on 2 years now and a learning more detailed tidbits about myself. So we’ve talked about the 5 Love Languages before:

Words of affirmation - Words build you up. You thrive on spoken affection, praise, encouragement, and compliments. Harsh words and criticism can bother you for a long time.

Acts of Service - Anything that your partner does willingly to ease your workload is a sign of love to you. You feel cared for when your partner vacuums before you get to it or makes you breakfast as a surprise. On the other hand, broken promises or laziness can make you feel unimportant.  

Receiving Gifts - Thoughtful gift shows to you that you are special. In contrast, generic gifts and forgotten special events have the opposite effect. This love language isn’t necessarily materialistic – it could be as simple as receiving your favorite snack after a bad day.

Quality Time - You feel loved when you get undivided attention. When your partner is truly present (and not looking at their phone), it makes you feel important.  Failure to actively listen or long periods without one-on-one time can make you feel unloved.

Physical Touch - Holding hands, kisses, hugs, and other touches are your preferred way to show and receive love. Appropriate touches convey warmth and safety, while physical neglect can drive a wedge between you and your partner.    

I am now identifying that my languages are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Third and forth is quality time and is physical touch. And the last is receiving gifts. And this makes a lot of sense to me and I think when I was younger, the order was different and physical touch was my top one. On top of that, I fully understand why receiving gifts is at the bottom because objects don’t hold value to me as much as the person and spending time with them.

I think I started noticing this about myself through my communication with my little young Chicago boy, btw, he’s not too upset with me anymore. I don’t know if I shared this previously, but my little youngin’ was irritated that I was not answering his calls and making time to hang out with him. To be honest, I was trying to distance myself a little because I felt he was getting too close and didn’t want him to feel mislead by me. So I am still treading lightly and my biggest gripe about him is his dialogue. Like he’ll text me randomly and just type “Hey” — WTH am I supposed to do with that, he knows I am highly intelligent so why would he think that is going to solicit a response from me? I need depth, I need context, not the bare minimum. I mean I can dumb it down and be mediocre, but there’s a limit to that. Okay…I’m being facetious with what I am about to say…English is not my first language, so your dialogue and vernacular should be a lot better than mine.

But here’s the other part to it, this young man does know how to talk to me sometimes. And I’ll never admit this to him, but he did catch my attention when he was getting a little playfully aggressive and saying things like, “I know you’re older, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want too and right now, I want to see you.” 😳 And then he told me, “I know you’re not slow so stop acting like it, unless you found some new dude, let me know when you’re free.” 👀 Listen, when he was talking to me like this, I was just on the other end of the phone like, this boy really don’t know how attractive he’s being right now 😜! I guess this is another perspective of Words of Affirmation! I definitely need to be careful with this young man and keep reminding myself I cannot give him everything he wants, especially since in one of our conversations I learned that there’s only a few years difference between me and his mother! Yeahh…NO, I’m not playing those games. 🚫

Although, aside from his age and poor texting skills and maybe a few other things, he’s still a great young man and surprisingly he's gotten comfortable enough to talk to me about certain things like money. Ladies, this kid is 25 years old and already making six figures 😳! And he looking to buy his first investment property and he asking me about stocks and going back to school to get his Master's degree. I applaud him. Like, how many 25 years olds do you know who are this disciplined?! He’s not out here without a place of his own and no car walking around talking about other people, he's got his shit together. I don’t know what the universe is doing, but if I were to be involved with someone younger, it would be this a person similar to this.

  • Another thing I notice, and let me know if you’ve had this experience or picked up on this too, I notice that there is a difference with younger women dating older men and younger men dating older women. With the younger women, they are more willing to change themselves, their values, their routines, their behaviors to fit the older man or to appease him…I’ve witnessed this first hand so I know I am on to something here, talking about “I don’t go out that much anymore” — 😒 Girl, you’re still a kid, you’re supposed to go out and play. You may be fooling that older man, but you ain’t fooling me. But with the younger men, they do not change much of themself. The main difference with them is they are more aware that older women have experienced more things in life so these younger guys are more willing to listen and try to understand an older woman. I like that. 👍🏽

Now with acts of service, I feel like that brings so much value to my life. If you are doing things that make my day go by easier, I don’t know if I can keep myself from not loving you. And it’s not just gentlemanly things like walking me to my door or checking on me, it’s asking if I need something from the store before you come over or offering to cook me dinner and cleaning the dishes after, even if I refuse (because independent women have gotten used doing things on our own), you still know that is something I admire from a man, even if he’s just a friend. I’ve have plenty of platonic friends who do things for me that make my days better and I absolutely love them for it. Like offer to water my plants if I am going to be out of town for a long period of time, little simple things like that I find value with. 🥰

February Summary

“I love it when a man breathes me in when he hugs me.”

Did you all survive February? 🫠 I am finally feeling better. If you remember a few weeks ago I caught some kind of stomach bug and it had me down and out. Now I’ve got to catch up with myself, get a mani/pedi, freshen my hair, and put on some decent clothes and step out for a little. I know some of you noticed the pending topics that’s been sitting for a while, I promise I’ll get through them soon. When I start a new topic, sometimes I don’t have enough content for it so I'll leave it in draft mode and come back to it later to add more info. Bare with me a little longer.

The Effort Series

I’m going to get back to this…eventually.

And I see some of you are still asking about the two men I mentioned recently. As I said in my response in the previous post, I am keeping everything as is. With the younger man, he is on the track to do great things and I don’t want to derail him. I will continue to be his friend and encourage and support him as much as I can. He has so much he wants to accomplish and I want to see him reach all his goals. And to be very honest, if I were to rank him against other men I know (older men) he’s probably up there with most of them if not above some of them and that’s to take away from the guys in my life. It’s mainly because of his behavior, his self awareness, and what he talks about. He doesn’t talk about superficial things like going out, or hanging out, or buying sections or luxury things, he more talks about investments, residual income, equity and things like that. His mindset is that same as where I was when I was his age, but with me, my progress took a little longer due to having children. He doesn’t have kids, which I why I last said he stands to make more money than me in the next few years if he keeps on this focus. He’s a really good guy and he’s very conscious of himself which explains how he treats people with generosity and respect, but he’s not soft, don’t get it confused, he’s very masculine and firm, he’s just very aware of himself. Listen, we may not always make the right moves, we’ll slip every now and then, but I think highly of people who acknowledge their pitfalls and make strides to be better.

Now with the other man I mentioned, he is older and he has already accomplished some big goals in his life and ever since I met him, I have been very supportive of his endeavors. I do think sometimes he gets in a crossroads with himself as far as his choices and wanting to be who he believes himself to be or how others believe him to be. Hey, he’s a grown man, and it’s not my place to identify other people’s demons, with what I’ve been through and where I am in life, I wish everyone serenity with their decisions.

Anyways, other things we covered this month are zodiac sign compatibilities, you guys giving me pointers on my own love life, keeping our relationships private vs. keeping them secret, and making sure we are choosing the right partners for the right reasons and if we’re just having fun, then make it clear, otherwise emotions can get too far involved and then you’ll have to deal with something you didn’t intend to. Aye, all is far in Love & War, but damn, let’s try to limit how much we are battling.