Acts of Service

“Don’t ask me who else is taking my attention, instead be the one I want to make time for.”

With me keeping myself to myself going on 2 years now and a learning more detailed tidbits about myself. So we’ve talked about the 5 Love Languages before:

Words of affirmation - Words build you up. You thrive on spoken affection, praise, encouragement, and compliments. Harsh words and criticism can bother you for a long time.

Acts of Service - Anything that your partner does willingly to ease your workload is a sign of love to you. You feel cared for when your partner vacuums before you get to it or makes you breakfast as a surprise. On the other hand, broken promises or laziness can make you feel unimportant.  

Receiving Gifts - Thoughtful gift shows to you that you are special. In contrast, generic gifts and forgotten special events have the opposite effect. This love language isn’t necessarily materialistic – it could be as simple as receiving your favorite snack after a bad day.

Quality Time - You feel loved when you get undivided attention. When your partner is truly present (and not looking at their phone), it makes you feel important.  Failure to actively listen or long periods without one-on-one time can make you feel unloved.

Physical Touch - Holding hands, kisses, hugs, and other touches are your preferred way to show and receive love. Appropriate touches convey warmth and safety, while physical neglect can drive a wedge between you and your partner.    

I am now identifying that my languages are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Third and forth is quality time and is physical touch. And the last is receiving gifts. And this makes a lot of sense to me and I think when I was younger, the order was different and physical touch was my top one. On top of that, I fully understand why receiving gifts is at the bottom because objects don’t hold value to me as much as the person and spending time with them.

I think I started noticing this about myself through my communication with my little young Chicago boy, btw, he’s not too upset with me anymore. I don’t know if I shared this previously, but my little youngin’ was irritated that I was not answering his calls and making time to hang out with him. To be honest, I was trying to distance myself a little because I felt he was getting too close and didn’t want him to feel mislead by me. So I am still treading lightly and my biggest gripe about him is his dialogue. Like he’ll text me randomly and just type “Hey” — WTH am I supposed to do with that, he knows I am highly intelligent so why would he think that is going to solicit a response from me? I need depth, I need context, not the bare minimum. I mean I can dumb it down and be mediocre, but there’s a limit to that. Okay…I’m being facetious with what I am about to say…English is not my first language, so your dialogue and vernacular should be a lot better than mine.

But here’s the other part to it, this young man does know how to talk to me sometimes. And I’ll never admit this to him, but he did catch my attention when he was getting a little playfully aggressive and saying things like, “I know you’re older, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want too and right now, I want to see you.” 😳 And then he told me, “I know you’re not slow so stop acting like it, unless you found some new dude, let me know when you’re free.” 👀 Listen, when he was talking to me like this, I was just on the other end of the phone like, this boy really don’t know how attractive he’s being right now 😜! I guess this is another perspective of Words of Affirmation! I definitely need to be careful with this young man and keep reminding myself I cannot give him everything he wants, especially since in one of our conversations I learned that there’s only a few years difference between me and his mother! Yeahh…NO, I’m not playing those games. 🚫

Although, aside from his age and poor texting skills and maybe a few other things, he’s still a great young man and surprisingly he's gotten comfortable enough to talk to me about certain things like money. Ladies, this kid is 25 years old and already making six figures 😳! And he looking to buy his first investment property and he asking me about stocks and going back to school to get his Master's degree. I applaud him. Like, how many 25 years olds do you know who are this disciplined?! He’s not out here without a place of his own and no car walking around talking about other people, he's got his shit together. I don’t know what the universe is doing, but if I were to be involved with someone younger, it would be this a person similar to this.

• Another thing I notice, and let me know if you’ve had this experience or picked up on this too, I notice that there is a difference with younger women dating older men and younger men dating older women. With the younger women, they are more willing to change themselves, their values, their routines, their behaviors to fit the older man or to appease him…I’ve witnessed this first hand so I know I am on to something here, talking about “I don’t go out that much anymore” — 😒 Girl, you’re still a kid, you’re supposed to go out and play. You may be fooling that older man, but you ain’t fooling me. But with the younger men, they do not change much of themself. The main difference with them is they are more aware that older women have experienced more things in life so these younger guys are more willing to listen and try to understand an older woman. I like that. 👍🏽

Now with acts of service, I feel like that brings so much value to my life. If you are doing things that make my day go by easier, I don’t know if I can keep myself from not loving you. And it’s not just gentlemanly things like walking me to my door or checking on me, it’s asking if I need something from the store before you come over or offering to cook me dinner and cleaning the dishes after, even if I refuse (because independent women have gotten used doing things on our own), you still know that is something I admire from a man, even if he’s just a friend. I’ve have plenty of platonic friends who do things for me that make my days better and I absolutely love them for it. Like offer to water my plants if I am going to be out of town for a long period of time, little simple things like that I find value with. 🥰

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Opposing Views

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Seems like many of you watched the Shuler King video and a few of you sent me others to watch. And while most of you agree, there are some of you who have different thoughts.

This really isn’t a debate and let me give you some other thoughts for perception.

There are some people in there 20s who have established a few life’s common goals such as a home, a career, and possibly a family (kids). Those in this category have slightly different views of life (hopefully). For instance, I was 26/27 when I started getting into my career, made a decision to relocate, end my log term relationship, and started to lay down the concrete for my life. In my early 20s I was still figuring through some decisions and possibilities. It wasn't until about 31/32 was when I started to build upon the concrete I laid in my late 20s. Through my life experiences I was able to make more sound decisions with certain opportunities.

It is very possible for someone in their 20s to have their lives already together and it is possible for a woman in her 30s or 40s to still be trying to get her life together. Although, there is a category of women who wants a man to take care of them so they do not make much efforts to be stable on their own, kind of like going from their parents’ insurance to their husbands insurance.

So if you take age out of this, then you are left with who the person is, what they come with, where they want to go and what they plan to leave behind in order to pick up other experiences or lessons. But the overall thought of a man dating someone in her 20s is the common knowledge that those in that age group still need or want to live freely in order to gain some of life’s antidotes otherwise like the comedian said, “It’s going to get a little weird.”

It all ends up being where you are at in life and how much responsibilities you want to take on from your partner. With someone who is a little more established, they’ll be able to get through many small hurdles on their own and mainly lean on you for comfort, whereas someone who may not be a little more established may call on you for everything.

The other day I went to a cigar lounge. I never been there before. I went by myself; I was just looking for a laid back place to relax. Before I even went inside I was greeted by an older gentleman who told me to go in, have a seat and he’ll come bring me a drink. The man also introduced me to his friends who were there and as more of his acquaintances came, he made introductions with them too. All of the men there were at least in their late 50s to mid 60s. I didn’t feel uncomfortable or less adequate to be around them because my caliber is of a woman who is not only confident, educated, and personable, but I also carry many adult experiences that helps shape how I can communicate with people much older than me. My bestfriend came to meet me there and she pulls me aside and said, “Why do you always have a bunch of men around you?” 😂. I told her I didn’t do this, I just walked in and it happened. Then a short time after that her husband came and he pulls me aside and says, “Pooh, don’t ever come to these places by yourself again.” 😂 — They were just being cautious for me because I was visiting and neither I or them knew these people, but they were being very friendly with me.

The point is, I am able to have dialogue with men at any age because I can relate to a lot of things such as family, children, travel, education, property, politics, social concerns, etc. and I can articulate my thoughts well enough for them to know I am a well rounded woman who is of a certain age and who has standards and boundaries. Again, I go back to the 20 somethings, it is possible for a 25 year old to be further in life than her peers, but it is no very common that she’s gained enough experiences to fall into other categories outside of her age group.

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Questions? Comments?

NEW - Don’t feel like reading? Listen to the audio instead. 🔊

A lot of you send me questions and comments. Remember, you can use the “Contact Me” option to anonymously send an inquiry. There's a few topics that keep coming up so let's address them.

Who takes your pictures? - I do. I have experience in photography and I offer services when my schedule allows it, so I have a lot of equipment that I use to take my own photos. Aside from that, I’m a fashion person and always trying to fine tune my personal style. I hate to admit this, but I am not financially responsible when it comes to shopping. I have about 4 closets that are jam packed with clothes and about 25% still has tags on it. Yes, I have a problem.

Why do think older men date younger girls? - This comes more and more I’ve noticed. I don’t think this is a new issue or if it is even an issue at all. Women are always quick to make jabs at men who are with younger women; making jokes about her age comparing what she knows and what she’s able to do since she doesn’t have the same life experience. I wrote about this topic a while back in, “She’s Too Young For You, Bro” but, I wouldn't get hung up on this too much. A good majority of men do this. I’ve seen it in ALL of my guy friends, none of them were unique in this category. Men in their 40s and 50s dating girls in their 20s. 😳

It’s always happened, no matter what decade we look into. I don’t really know the reason why. Maybe men like what the younger women are offering or how they are displaying themselves? From what I’ve seen, many of the younger crowd are very “ambitious” and “eager” for a certain type of attention. Social media has spawned an illustrious fantasy of partying and being wild and it’s an appealing attribute for much of the younger crowds and maybe the older men find that appealing too.

Remember when I mentioned there was a young man who took interest to me? He was very sweet, but I realized very quickly there wasn't much we could talk about. He was at a different place in life than I am. But I did give him some credit and was very impressed that he was much further in life than others his age. He had his own fancy apartment, no roommates, already a few years into his career and extremely focused on aligning his skills to achieving more goals. He wasn't in an entry level job or working at as a cashier at a restaurant or store where he was waiting on something better to come along. Not that there's anything wrong with working at those positions, but he knew early on what he wanted to do and he started doing it. Yeah, that was impressive.

Back to the older men, I’m sure they have their reason, as questionable as it may look, but you don’t have to be involved with a man like that. If you notice a man always with a younger woman in his face, he probably doesn’t possess the qualities you want anyway. Although, I did mention all my guy friends have entertained younger girls, sometimes it was just for the moment in a club or lounge setting, but others did try to make something serious of it. Hey, if they're comfortable meeting her parents, much power to them.

And, I’m not romantically involved with any of them, so I don't bother them about it. But here's some perspective, when I was in my 20s, I was interested in older men. Many times we think older men are more mature, stable, emotionally conscious, and make better partners, but many of us realized THAT WASN’T ACCURATE. 😐 Men can be disappointing at any age.

Why did you disable the comments? - For anyone who doesn't recall, earlier this year and part of last year, the comments section was getting out of control and I did not have the bandwidth to manage it every hour. The comments were offensive to others and some of them were offensive to me, so it was just best to disable them and keep the, disabled. In the Member Only Reads, comments are allowed.

What are you studying now? - Some of you know I recently got accepted into a Doctoral Degree Program. My concentration is on Educational Leadership and Organizational Innovation. The program focuses on applications in real word settings and developing ways to administer change for improvements. The best thing about the program I chose is that my studies include the dissertation as oppose to other programs that have you study for 3-4 years and then work on your dissertation.

Why are you always talking about privacy even though you have a public website? - Privacy is very important to me and I still have to be very mindful of what I share and how much I share with the public. Even when I post things to my social media accounts, there’s always a wall of ambiguity.

Even with my friends and family, I do not share everything with them. If you notice with your own experiences, when you share something, people begin to expect you to continue sharing with them or updating them with more details about yourself. There’s things I do not mind sharing, such as the fact that I am in Grad school, but I’m not going to share details of my coursework, who my classmates are, or the names of my professors. I share surface level information…I hope that makes sense.

With my personal life I am protective of it. I may share my experiences, but I won’t share identifying details of who, what, when and where. For instance, if I get into a relationship, you are most likely never going to see a picture of him, unless it’s a wedding photo. And with my friends and family, they may never even know his name if it’s not serious and I’m very tight lipped on what intricate details I share with them about my relationships. When I was with my ex he would share EVERYTHING that happened in our relationship with people, but me on the other hand, I wanted to keep our matters within our home and with any issues, I wanted us to talk about it to each other, not to the world. And I continue to have this mindset. — For years, my friends knew I was vaguely involved with someone who I referred to as “Alabama”. And anytime they would ask about him, they would use the same moniker I gave him, “How's Alabama?”, “When’s the last time you saw Alabama?” — I would directly answer their questions and move onto the next topic. I wouldn't linger or go into any further details. I wasn't keeping anything secret, I feel like secrecy is lying with a twist. I was open about the fact I was sleeping with someone, I just decided to keep everything else between us. I don't have problem with people knowing certain things about me, but I want to live my personal life according to me, not everyone else.

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Mind of a Boy

So this topic spawned from “Then What Good Is He?” post where some of you ladies shared your thoughts and experiences with men who seem to be fickle. One of you said, “Men who are unsure have the mind of a child and you will notice younger women around them because most younger women are still developing their futures.” I thought this was a very profound statement and want to go into it more. My friend groups range from 30s and up. I see my guy friends entertain women in their 20s here and there, but it never really works out and many of you can take a guess why. Also, I want to point out, we see older wealthy men or celebrity men date much younger women, but we have to understand their lives are not like ours so we cannot compare those groups together. We are talking about the everyday men, whatever their profession or tax bracket.

Yes, younger women seem to be more sexualized, we can attribute that to social media and reality television. Attention is visual and the mindset of many young women is to be seen and gawked at, so I fully understand why men like to look at them. I have a friend who is near 50 and he once told me, “ Young girls are good for the moment, not long term, they are fun, but unless I’m a man with no direction, I’m not taking a 24 year old seriously.” *I want to add this is NOT a dig at women in their 20’s, our generations were just exposed to different levels of sexuality. My core adolescents did not include any form of Kardashian, but the artists in my generation were Lil’ Kim, Trina, Madonna and Janet Jackson, so my age group isn’t fully off the hook either, but we also had some good family shows like Saved by The Bell, Family Matters, Full House, The Cosby Show, etc. Let’s not forget that Marylin Monroe was sexualized too.

I loved and hated my 20’s, I had my kids young, finished my bachelor’s late, and went through a lot of stress with my ex, but when I think of it, if I waited to have children, I may not have had any today, and I may have not met the people I met or even made the moves I made. So certain poor decisions I made when I was younger helped me develop my goals. Everything that occurred in my 20’s was meant to happen so I can have the life I have today. And when I see an older man with a younger woman, I tend to wonder if this is one of her bad decisions that she is going to learn from or is this a poor decisions on the man’s behalf that’s impeding this young woman to have the 20’s experience she needs. I really believe that your 20’s is when you make all the mistakes, your 30’s is learning/recovering from those mistakes, your 40’s are where you continue to build, and your 50/60’s is when you start take it all in.

So one perspective is if a man finds interest in a much younger woman, is he in denial of his own age or avoiding something else? Another reader said, “A single man above 45 has serious baggage, commitment issues, and other demons.” - I’m not sure if I want to cosign on that, but I do wonder why a man of a certain age is still single. Although, there are men who are lifelong bachelors, but doesn’t he want partnership or doesn’t he get tired of skipping from one woman to the next only to go through the same cycle time and time again? — I guess there are women who do the same. Do you remember Cher once said, “Men are a luxury, not a necessity.” I cannot see myself going from one man to the next, my personal values doesn’t allow that, but I can understand why some women may choose that lifestyle.

Why do we call out men who don’t want to commit? Why are they so fickle and undecided? Are they really just boys trapped in men’s bodies? Because what do boys do? They like to play games and hang out with their friends, they enjoy instant gratification, the look at pretty girls, they cannot articulate their emotions, they don’t like to be challenged by women aside from their mom…hmmmm…maybe the reader who made the first statement is on to something?

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People swear they won’t do something then turn around and do it worse.

Three different groups of people I talk to are my family, those I work with, and friends I don’t see often, so I am for certain my name cannot be brought up in anyone’s busines, but my own.

Thanks to one of the readers who sent this to me.

He should challenge you and be open to you challenging him.

The Older Man

Let's ponder on this for a moment (text image). So, I'm at an age where being involved with someone 15+ years isn't much of an eyebrow raiser considering my experiences and where I'm currently at in life. (I did another post about age gaps: She’s Too Young For You, Bro.)

Yes, it's been proven that girls mature faster than boys so it's innate that we look to date older but, we all should understand that girls still go through different mental stages and dating someone too old could be a sign of other issues or personal intentions.

At 15, a girl is high-school aged and still experiencing adolescents , would it be wise for a man in his 20’s to be involved with a girl this age? Well, to be objective, most men in their 20’s are in a black whole of confusions themselves. At 25, a woman may be going through the notions of adult scenarios and learning her identity. A man in his mid to late 40s finding interest in a woman that age is a bit questionable, wouldn't you say? Just as questionable as the man in is 20’s interested in a girl in her teens?

So what about these men who date extremely younger? Dating young enough that a girl could be his daughter, if he started having kids in his 20s.

Most of my guy friends have said that 20 year old’s are fun but, nothing substantial enough to keep their attention to becoming something more serious. When I asked why that is, the general response was that women in their 20s have a different focus, different goals, and different views on life, they are still innocent in the sense they are just beginning their adult years and have so many things to still learn before reaching the capacity of a man who may be 15-20 years older than her. These young ladies may be smart and sophisticated but, they are mentally not prepared for what a older man comes with.

*The type of older man I'm referring to is a well established man, either with a high title with his company, manages/owns a business, possibly has children, has had long term relationships previously, has a house, 401K/IRA, etc. — I'm not talking about men who are "still trying to get on the right path in life".

Yet, it's not taboo that we see successful men with such young women and sometimes I think the following:

• What types of conversations do they have?

• Does he work a lot so they really don't spend that much time together?

• How do they tolerate each other’s generational differences?

• Is she just a trophy to show off to everyone?

• Was she in a bad situation and he was just trying to help her but, ended up getting too involved?

Or maybe these men are mentally in their 20’s still with a fear of getting "old" and they date younger women to help ease their reality. Maybe these types of men are going through an identity crisis?

But let's not leave out the young ladies who are willing to do almost anything to be involved with a successful man because they see security...they'll be taken care of financially, live a comfortable life, and have the honor of telling people about the man they're sleeping with. — And because of this, the older man may be more vulnerable to a young woman's advances.

It's hard to say why men and women date who they date. All I know is, if any of my male friends whom are certain ages starts getting serious with women much younger than them...even younger than me, I'm definitely giving them the side eyes and looking at them very differently.

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