“I am not someone who becomes instant bestfriends with a person I really don’t know too well.”
You’ve got to pay attention to your moods and how they change depending on circumstances and people. I am still facing highs and lows with my energy levels. When it’s up, I am more social, I reach out to people, and I am just very free flowing and more active with friends. When it’s down, I’m quiet, reserved, and distant, BUT I also become that way when I have a full schedule of tasks ahead of me. And I’ve realized that’s when people can get confused with my personality.
Do you ever just don’t want to do anything? Some of my friends who have known me along time know how to pull me out of the house. Other people still haven't found that finesse. Many of my longtime friends are granted more grace and patience than my newer acquaintances, mainly because my longtime friends have seen me in different stages of life or have witnessed me go through different experiences.
Recently, I had to be very clear with two separate people of the lines they cannot cross. These are newer people who have yet to learn my tolerance levels, but if I do not set the boundaries then they won’t know when to stop and that will further cause issues in my communications with them.
The first person met me during a brief time where my workload was very light and I had a lot of energy. The problem is, she thought this is how I always am and that I would continue to be available to hang out with her on a consistent basis. So when I became less available, she became more insistent in trying to find a way to keep developing our new friendship (many of you know, this was a poor move on her part). For example, she would try to invite herself to my home or ask me what I am doing later on that day she can impose herself into my schedule somehow. I began to reach out to her and respond to her less and less to a point where I did not have any communication with her for several months. I ran into her a few evenings ago while I was out just having a few cocktails by myself and again, she kept trying to impose herself into my schedule asking what my workload looks like and what my plans are for the weekend making suggestions that she is free or can make herself available. She also expressed that she was upset I did not let her know I was out. I finally just told her, when I am home working or studying, I do not want company. Even when I am home and not doing anything, I still may not want company. I also mentioned it’s the same sentiment when I step out and not notify anyone of my plans. Hopefully, she understands, but only time will tell.
The second person I had to spell out my boundaries to is actually someone I met through other friends who I am closer to. To kind of give you a clearer picture of the friendship dynamic, he is part of a large group of people that have been friends since college. I am the newer person to this group even though I’m almost 10 years in with knowing them and I did not start to really become friends with the person until earlier this year. And the issue is that our mutual friends have always spoken highly of me over the years and told him that I am a fun person to hangout with. This person also lives closer to me than our mutual friends do, so I think that maybe he got the impression that we will hang out more often because we live closer to each other, which is not the case.
I started noticing the problem when I did not respond to some of his text messages which then led to him sending messages that really rubbed me the wrong way. Here’s the thing, when you don’t hear from me for a few days, don’t send me an aggressive text message because you don’t like the fact I have not been in communication with you. You don’t know what’s going on in my life so sending an unfriendly message isn’t going to work well in your favor and it’s not going to make me want to hang out with you any sooner. And because we do have mutual friends, I have not told our mutual friends about him, because I am not in the habit of telling on people, unless it gets to a very uncomfortable point. My thought on this person is, “Yeah, I’m close to your friends who have also become my friends, but that doesn’t automatically mean I am going to be close to you.” I told him that I held back from responding to him a certain way when I saw his messages and told him to keep in mind that he and I are not that close and my main focus isn’t him. I said it in the friendliest way I could and the only reason for that is because of the relationships I value with our mutual friends. I don’t want him to feel some type of way against me if we happen to all hang out together one evening.
With both people, I felt pressured and misunderstood and it has developed a certain bias towards both of them. I do not have a solid friendship with either one of them to expect me to incorporate them into my life more often. I am a fun person to be around and I make new acquaintances all the time. The ones who meet me when my energy is up and when my mood is great, they see a side of me that they want to keep seeing which isn’t realistic. Just because we had a great time out, doesn’t mean I am always available to do it again or even want to. And just because you may live close to me, doesn’t mean you will start being my go-to person if and when I want company.
My life is already abundant, so incorporating new people into it can be a challenge, but I am not going to go out of my way to spend time with someone who seems to be forcing a friendship with me. My moods are personal. They affect the way I act towards people. If you become someone I do not want to have a close bond with or someone who does not respect my time and my space, then I am going to communicate with you less and less.
When you start to notice things about people that make you second guess them, don’t ignore it because then you keep yourself open to having more and more questionable experiences with them. And that doesn’t benefit you, nor does it benefit them. So you have to be mindful of your instant moods when you see someone’s name come across your phone or when you see them in person.
Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽
