A Queen Doesn't Play The Joker

One of the many things I've learned in "Womanhood" is: What a man expects from you is derived from how he perceives you. If you are boisterous and dramatic, even though it may be nerve wracking to him, your actions will not be a surprise to him. If you are quiet and docile, he won't expect you to overpower a conversation. If a man meets you at the park playing on the swings with your kids, how do you think he views you? If a man meets you at the club lap dancing on the local celebrity but, you don't work there, how do you think he views you?

Much like, don't post sexually suggestive ideas on Facebook and then act like a prude and take offense when a man approaches you about it. That's not how he thought of you, otherwise he would not have approached you in that manner.

Also, don't have him bring you to an upscale restaurant and cause a spectacle with the waitstaff because your plate came out with 4 jumbo shrimp instead of 5. He thought highly enough of you to be a classy woman who would simply tell the waiter of the mistake so it can be corrected instead of being carried out by security. (I know this example is a bit extreme but, you get my point.)

I say all this to say....How you present yourself to him is who he expects you to be so don't put on an act knowing the script has an end. I recall a distinct memory from my previous relationship that is relative to this topic; I posted a picture of an aggressive gesture on a social site that was public. My love saw it and asked me to take it down. I brushed it off like it was not a big deal but, when he explained it to me, I felt silly and took the picture down. 

In summary he said, "You are not that type of woman. That is not how you are and if people see that picture, they may get the wrong idea about you. Don't let people speculate the wrong image of who you are."

He was right, I didn't and don't want to be seen as a careless, facetious, and ignorant woman. Women who pride themselves with substance and class are held at a different and most likely higher degree than those who pride themselves with....well, I'll let you fill in this part. A respectable woman should not digress from her stature to gain bleak attention. 

You can be interesting and entertaining without playing the fool and becoming the joke.

Good Men

Look, we can sit here and man bash until we run out of words, but the reality is not all men are liars, cheaters, egotistical, losers, who are just focused on their next conquest. We women choose who we are attracted to. Sometimes we are not attracted to the good ones and I raise my hand on this one. YES, there are good men who are single and want to settle down with a good woman. Are you worthy of a good man? Think about it before answering. Do you carry yourself in such a way that he can be proud to have you by his side? That his family can be proud? That his friends respect? A woman he can seek comfort in without judgement or criticism? Do you invoke intrinsic thoughts or are you just...eye candy?

Let's be honest, we analyze everything about a man, from his attire to his demeanor around other people. We subconsciously question his every move, "Why did he turn his phone over?". We search for things we have no reason to search for. We look passed red flags hoping our intuitions are wrong. We CREATE red flags that are irrelevant. Sometimes, we, yes, WOMEN, can be the source of our relationship failures whether we know early on if the man is no good but we still pursue or if he just seems too good to be true and we look for flaws. WHY?

STOP IT.

Once you see something that you know will become a major problem, address it but, don't magnify something that is minuscule, like him not calling you or texting you everyday. He does have a life, he could very well be busy. Especially if you two just met, you have to give it time to learn each other's languages before jumping to conclusions and yes, I have been guilty of this. I've assumed and I've fabricated complete stories in my head on why a man has not called and it's silly! You know you're great, give him time to know it too, if not, hey, someone else will see what he didn't. That's just the reality of dating. If you are already in a relationship and have "language" problems, then most likely you looked passed certain issues before having an understanding or you jumped into the relationship too soon.

Also, you must learn that being wrong isn't being weak (as stubborn and as strong willed as I am, I have learned to identify when I need to back down and let him say what he has to say and accept it. It's not just about me and what I think and what I think isn't always accurate.) I was recently brought back to a realist perception after I made comments to a man that insinuated he was placing me in an unflattering category. He responded with statements that made me quiet and realize that I was making accusations without significant cause. I backed down, apologized, and said he was right.

Before anything, you two are supposed to be friends. Ask yourself, Is this a friend you want to keep long-term or do you feel the bond will digress over time? In which case you either need to invest smart or withdraw quickly.

Testing Him

I am not positive if these are truly his words but, let's not focus on that:

It is very endearing for a man to show he is interested in a woman and shows that he wants her in his life. Yes, we like for men to earn us, to fight for us, to stand by us, to understand us, to comfort us, to admire us, and to love us.  I like flowers, I like "You're beautiful" text messages, to be held, to be tended to, to be introduced to his colleagues, to be looked at with sincerity....I LOVE ALL OF THAT!  But, I will not have that, if I keep pushing away because he may eventually stop pulling. (Please note that there is no man in particular I am speaking of, it's just a generalization.)  A man is still human and has his limits just like we have ours.

Those of us who have been through chaos will not be so willing to let a man have all of us but, we have to slowly allow our walls to break down to let love back in.  If a man has sincere interest, he will help you break down the wall but, don't allow one brick to crumble just to lay another brick behind it.  No, we don't always like to be vulnerable but sometimes being vulnerable gives opportunities for someone to make us smile.  We can't always turn the cold shoulder on those who want us. 

There's no need to always test him.  If he gives you his time, loyalty, and respect, why question his interest?....you already have it.  Trust me, I am as inquiring as they come and I "Why?" everything.  I notice myself doing it less because that crazy earnest feeling to know every detail is digressing slowly from my persona; I am learning to accept and not doubt the good in a man.  Yes, certain experiences from my last relationship has me cautious and hesitant but, I am not going to allow those bad memories deter me from making great memories with someone amazing. 

Don't let a good one go just because you can't let go of past hurt. Grow to #LOVE