Reader Comment: “The only reason a man should be going below me is to kiss the kitty.”
Reader Comment: “You can’t be a S Class Benz and be worried about a Kia Rio”
We are back with this topic that was influenced by a reader who sent me a message from the last post. I told you I was in a group discussion with mature people talking about various relationship and men and women ideas. We talked about how some people have standards and I mentioned how some people do not understand the concept of standards so they say they don’t have any. And we talked about how a $12 an hour person can still be a great person, but it was also suggested that it’s good to know if that $12 an hour person wants to stay where they’re at or if they want to build on something bigger and that’s how we can distinguish someone’s mindset, are you forever going to be a worker bee? Or do you want to manage and run the beehive one day?
I also mentioned in the last post that I don't like when people look at me and think money simply because I carry myself and certain way or speak with a different vernacular. If you see me and only think money then that was a poor misconception you have. Instead see me and think, that's a woman who takes care of herself or that's a woman who is on her grind and hustles hard. If you don't have that type of critical thinking skills, then yes, you don't have a standard because you're understanding of it is one dimensional. If you can praise someone else for doing good, why are you keeping me out of your praise? Do you not think I deserve to be applauded for my accomplishments? I really don’t understand people who clap at everyone else for living good but will minimize someone else's efforts for living good. It's no different when a man who praises a woman for picking up extra hours at her job, but won't praise another woman who's managing 3 businesses. That’s a man who is focused on the wrong substance. Mature ladies, stay mindful of men like that. They are not in your wheelhouse and they can’t even comprehend what it is you're saying.
I forget what we were talking about and I know this person didn’t mean this as a dig at me, because he was going off of an assumption which I get all the time, but one of the guys in the group conversation that I talked about in the last topic made a comment and said, “Raya doesn’t deal with $12 a hour men.” I mentioned this to one of my guy friends a few days later and he said, “Well you didn’t give 6-figure men a shot either.” And that caught me off guard a little bit because I did not expect him to say that and then he doubled down and said, “You treat all men the same, no matter how much money they make, if they are nice to you, you're nice back, if they are rude, you're rude back, and if they are doing too much, you get annoyed.” And you know what, he is completely correct. But then he followed up with this. He said that men can’t just talk to me any type of way and I asked my friend to explain what he meant by that. He says, "Well a guy can’t just come up to you and say, hey I think you’re really pretty, let me take you to dinner.” Then my friend said, “A guy has to peak your interest by peaking your mind in a way that’s different from other men.” Prior to him saying all this, I was telling my friend that I get all types of men that approach me, but I do notice that more suited men approach me, like men who are older, who are well established, and have more experience in life. But again, I don’t give anyone a chance, not the $12 a hour man nor the million dollar man. And as my friend was saying all this to me, I just kept thinking - Damn, my friends do pay attention to me!
There was a case not too long ago where a man offered to get me VIP seats to a sports game, I would have been sitting in a box with some big names. I’m not dating this man, I’m not interested in this man, nor am I even good friends with this man, so I declined. No. 1, I know he’s interested in me. No. 2, I don’t want to be the type of woman who just rides the wave to see how far I can go. And No. 3, I don’t want to play games with people or feel like I owe this man something. If we were good friends, that’s one thing because friends do for each other all the time, like what you do for me over here, I got you over there. There’s continuity with friendships.
Speaking of friendships. There is one that I recently reassessed. I have a friend who I met when I first relocated, I actually met him through a social group that had planned events for people around town. I only ever hang out with this friend maybe once a year and usually we grab lunch or drinks just to catch up. The last time we caught up he was saying things that really began to annoy me. He was saying how he had a crush on my when we first met, I wasn't bothered by that comment because even a different guy friend one time said to me, “Raya, I’ll never get at you because of my boy, but I’m still a man and I got eyes.” So I know men look at me like that, but when this guy started to say I had a thing for him too, that's when I started to give him the side eye. He’s not a bad looking guy, but I was never interested in him and when I joined the social group I only joined to meet new people because I was new in town. I didn’t join to find dates. But he kept saying things like that and was too confident about it, like dude you're cool but I’m not looking at you like that and never did. Like there’s things about him that don't compliment my demeanor and don't really align with my personality which isn't a bad thing, it’s just not my interest. I don’t know what grown man who talks about being on TikTok or talks about wanting to be a social media content creator. Like if you're on there for entertainment or promoting a business, cool, but if you're trying to make it part of your livelihood, hmmm, that's not for me. I don’t need to showcase what I’m doing or how I’m living. I don’t have TikTok and my personal Instagram page is private and I don’t share much on there anyway. But that's not what really made me reassess my friendship with this man...
About 4-5 years ago, something occured and I wasn't accessible for a few days. One of my friends got worried and reached out to our mutual friends to try to reached me and when they couldn't get a hold of me they reached out to people they thought may know what was going on. And this guy was one of the people they reached out to and of course they didn't know that I’m not that close to this guy, but they were just worried. Anyway ever since that happened, the guy brings it up every time we hang out. This last time I told him to stop bringing it up because I don’t talk about it and no one else talks about it from my side. Also, he doesn't know the full back story so he really speaking on something he knows nothing about. I was irritated at this point. Like you don't know the people that reached out to you, you don’t know what they were thinking, you don’t know what their intention was, so stop bringing it up. Even after I said that, he kept trying to sneak it in and eventually he tried to back peddle and started giving me compliments, it was already to late, I was already beyond annoyed. His friendship has not made much of an impact on my life that I need to keep it going how it’s been going. We were never close. My other friend was right, you can’t just say anything to me especially if you’ve not really imprinted on me. I won’t be rude to this guy, but we’re not hanging out anymore unless other people I know will be hanging out with us.
Plus, many of you already know, I’m not a loose woman. I may be outside every now and then, and I may be nice but there’s limits to it and if you see that I’m getting bothered by something, then you need to stop. I may show some thigh, I may wear a low cut shirt, or I may show a little stomach. Just because I show it, doesn’t mean it’s for you and definitely doesn’t mean I’m giving it to anyone. I’m just comfortable with my body and know how to style my clothes to compliment my shape.
Back to the conversation with my friend, I was talking to my him about that topic of standards, and he said something else that really caught my mind. Real quick, my friend is in his fifties, he’s had a fulfilled life so far, understand that how you want to. He said, “We’ve grown past the point of accepting or dealing with just anything so we do have standards, otherwise anyone and everyone can have at us.” That makes so much sense because do you have that type of time on your hands? Baby, I sure don't.
I made a joke in the last post saying how my previous lovers went below standard after me, they just get in anyone’s bed - I’m not going to start any trouble, but maybe those mfers need to know, I’m still everything they loved and even better now - you see this yellow dress I got on? They all know I can I can shut it down, because one thing I will always wear well is CONFIDENCE even if I’m wearing sweatpants. And I don’t have to be loud about it, I’m very demure and quiet when I’m in a group of people, because what’s known doesn’t have to be spoken and other people usually speak it for me anyway. But with silliness aside, when I was with them and when I loved them, they met a certain standard for me at that particular juncture in my life because each of them were different so the standard wasn’t the same for all of them. What I wanted or needed from one lover at a particular time in my life was not the same as what I wanted and needed from another lover at a different time in my life. What I needed from my marriage wasn’t the same as what I needed from my lover who live in another state. Even now, what I wanted and needed 5 years ago isn’t the same today. I did say that I’m open to more things now, but I still want to be loved and protected and appreciated, although how I receive that love, protection, and appreciation doesn’t have the same ask as it did 5-10 years ago. And for me to get that, I have to set a standard for it.
I think some people think of standards as the bar being at a certain level and you have to reach that level. No it’s not that simple, it's deeper than that. The standard is what you are able to accept into your life and to what degree do you accept it. For example, I can accept a $12 an hour man, but I cannot accept if that’s where he wants to stay, because baby I want you to grow. I want you to create and build something that you can pass on to other people and help them grow. I don’t want you just to be an employee, I want you to guide employees and help them better develop their skills and their value. But if you don’t want any of that, it’s okay, we aren't a good match. Because I’ve done well, I want to help others do well too. I don’t want to gate keep success, hear that again, Don’t gate keep success. We can all eat. I want to help you create your blueprint - if that’s what you want. If not, that’s fine, everyone’s ambitions are not the same.
In this matter, I am the standard of growth and you can grow at your own pace, but I still want you to grow and do things that contribute to your growth. Don’t look at me and think, I’m all about people with money, no I’m all about people who are hungry, but let’s not get it twisted, just because you’re hungry, doesn’t mean I’m going to be interested in you romantically, because remember, I don’t even give million dollar men a chance. And my friend said it - A man has to peak my mind in a way another man hasn’t. So I am not out here being sloppy with anyone, because…Baby, I am the standard. And to my previous lovers…uhmmm, again you see that yellow dress, none of your biches know how to pull that off. I’m still the greatest baby...jk. Let me stop before someone catches wind to this and gets in their feeling about it. It’s all love here. But seriously, let me stop playing on here, I don’t know what any of them got going on or what type of girls are on their roster, as long as they aren't letting any broad stress them out, well fellas if you're going to let a woman stress you out at least let it be a woman who's about something. You gonna be a million dollar man and let a $12 a hour broad stress you out? Listen, I used to be a $12 an hour broad. I was that girl. I haven't seen $12 a hour since I was 19/20 because I knew that's not all I wanted, so I made sure to raise my own bar and achieve more. What are we saying now… I am the standard. Remember fellas, you too are the standard. So make sure you are not out here looking and acting shameful with whoever just because she has a pretty face and feed you compliments all the time, don’t be dense. Be mature about it.
Be safe everyone.
