Do any of you remember the Genuwine song called, “None of your friends business” ? The song talks about not sharing the details of your relationship to other people because it’s not their business. And I agree with this…
When you share information about your partner or your personal relationships to your friends, you are giving them permissions to be part of your relationship and allow them to have opinions or give input towards it. Now, I do agree that you should have a safe space to talk about certain things with certain people, but I still do not believe you should be mentioning too much about your relationship to other people even if it’s not bad information. For instance, if I’m involved with someone, my conversations with other people will not be mainly about what’s going on in my relationship. Women are more common in doing this, they like to talk to their friends about the men in their lives, how things are going and what’s been happening. I was never really one to do that with any of my relationships. I just always felt if there were any issues, it was between me and my partner to work through. Too much outside interference can cause unnecessary problems. Even with my friends who want to vent to me about their relationships, I always give them the disclaimer that they do not have to share too much with me, but also with anything they do share, I try to look at both sides and remain a neutral party, even if I do not personally know their partner.
Sometimes when you discuss your relationship woes with people, they develop their own opinions not just about your partner, but about you too. And depending on what opinions they have, they may tend to say things negatively about you, your partner, or your relationship. Ladies, have you ever mentioned something to your girlfriends about your husband/boyfriend and then later they start treating him differently or say negative things about him? It’s natural to vent about your problems, but be mindful about what you share and how much you share AND who you share it with.
Here’s a relative example: One of my friends told me, a few other friends and people she works with about someone she met and was starting to like. We were all supportive, but then the guy she liked did something that really hurt her and she told everyone what happened. Naturally a lot of the people started developing negative thoughts about the guy, mainly because everyone wanted to be supportive of the her. She ended distancing herself from the guy for a few weeks, but recently, the she let me know that she hung out with the guy again and she did not want to tell anyone about it because she was afraid of the backlash and the judgement she would receive. I asked her if she had a good time and she said that she actually feels better that now they were able to talk freely and can be friends and move past the hurtful issue and they are now building a platonic friendship. I applauded her and told her that I was happy for her and proud of her for wanting to let go and accept good feelings for the situation. So even though she was not in a relationship with the person feelings are still feelings. Sometimes they come out of nowhere and surprise us. She did end up telling a few other people that she’s friends with the guy again and unfortunately, she did not get the same affections that she got from me. She kind of got chastised and scolded and pretty much got told that she was going to get hurt again. Mind you, no of us really know this other guy other that what we’ve been told. To be fair, I do think that guy made a bad decision that hurt someone I care about, but I do not think they are a bad person. So with this scenario, you see how sharing too much information can put you in a compromising headspace with people?
For me, if I am sharing anything about someone I am with or someone I like, at the most, I’ll just let people know that I am with someone or getting to know someone. I may share qualities about him that attracted me to him or caught my attention, but I do not go into detail about everything I know or do know how about him. Yes, I’ll tell you if I have someone special in my life, but I’m not going to tell you much about him or what we do in our personal time together. Most of my married friends share the same sentiment. I know of their spouses and maybe have met their spouses, but I do not know much details of what occurs in their marriage. It’s their marriage. Just like it’s your relationship, so you manage it how you see fit and how it works best for the two of you. Yes, you should have a safe space to talk to someone about any issues you might have in your relationship, but that person shouldn't make you feel bad or wrong with whatever you want to do and should be more of a sounding board and a sensible voice rather than telling you what to do.
Be safe everyone.
