“I believe people love within their own capacities and you have to accept that capacity or leave them alone.”
I received 2 anonymous messages not too long ago. Actually, about 80% of the messages I get are anonymous and I don’t mind that, I'm not here to demand to know who you all are, you are not required to share you name or contact information when you send me messages. And for those of you who keep sending me marriage proposals, I'm flattered, but I am not a woman who wants to be married again or even has the time to devote to a husband.
The two separate massages were people sharing their thoughts about a post I made a few months back called: I'm Dating A Married Man.
So, I'm just going to presume the messages were from women because of the context of the information. And I'm going to share the first one and give my thoughts and then the second one.
Anonymous Reader 1 says:
I saw your post about dating a married man, I am in a similar situation. I don't know how I got here. I knew he was married, but he says he loves me. I love him too. He doesn't really talk about his wife, but I want him to get a divorce so we can really be together. I've been seeing him for about 2 years, and I hate that we can't move forward because of his marriage. I'm getting tired of waiting, and he gets upset when I bring it up. What do I do?
Ummm, before I give my response, to the ladies who are here and who are married or believe in the sanctity of marriage, please to be too cruel in your feelings towards this woman or the next one.
My dear reader, I am going to be severely honest with you. You said he doesn't talk about his wife, and I'm guessing he doesn't talk about his marriage much, too. You may not like it, but you have to respect that. They married into a covenant together, so whatever is going on in their marriage is their privilege and their business. You are the outsider who wants something that's not available to you. And I'm sure he does love you and has real emotions for you, but regardless of any love you have for each other, he's still someone's husband.
Even if they are separated and living in different houses, again, he is still someone's husband. And I am not neccessaily siding with the man on this, but I can understand why he gets upset when you bring up getting a divorce, because like you said, he doesn't really talk about his wife, so I'm thinking there's something they still need to work through and he has to work that through with his wife, not with you.
So, my dear reader, you've got to sit out on their marriage. You can't rush anything that doesn't want to be rushed, and putting pressure on him may not be in your best interest. Are you willing to help him pay those court fees and sit on the other side of the door for each mediation? Unless money isn't an issue, are willing to go through that stress with him? And the thing with stress is that it can change a person's feelings about a lot of things. So him going through a divorce that he may not be fully prepared to go through may even put more strain on your relationship with him.
Anonymous Reader 2 says:
I just found out that the man I've been seeing for the last 7 months is married. I haven't confronted him about it. I've been crying about it for days, and when I am with him, he can tell there's something wrong. How do I keep loving a man who kept something like this from me? I want to know what's going on with his marriage and how that works if he's with me? I also want to know has he done this to other women? Am I stupid? I don't want to leave him, but I can't look at him the same way anymore.
This one is a little heavy. Thinking a man is amazing and you love him and you thought you two shared something very unique just to learn that the foundation was built on his him not being honest about who he is, and it really taints your views of a man. He's no longer as great as you thought.
You have several options. You can ask him about it and see what his says, but if he hasn't told you already, he's most likely not going to give all the information you want or he'll say things just to appease you. The next option is not to say anything and keep continuing on this relationship, if he has done this with other women, it's likely the relationship will eventually filter out because he can't fully commit to another woman if he's still married. The last option is to just count your losses and walk away.
If I'm getting involved with someone, I would want to know if a man is married or if he's seeing other women, so I can make the decision if he is someone I still want to be linked with. Don't have me thinking I'm the only one on your mind when you have someone else you're in a situation with.
I Don’t Know How…
Others want to love me, I just know how I want to show love.
Listen, I am a full adult with big adult responsibilities. I need to know what's going on in my life if you're going to be part of it. I'm not playing the little young girl games, I have other things to handle rather than being worried if a man is really my man or if he belongs to the community.
If you're married, tell me that and let me decide what I want to do. But just know this, you don't have leverage to be upset or dictate my moves because YOU are the one who's married. If you're seeing other people, also tell me that so I can again decide what I want to do.
I am more open with certain types of relationships because of what I want and don't want for myself, but I still need to know your parameters so I know how to setup mine.
We can have the greatest time and develop a valuable companionship or you can mishandle the situation and cause me to react poorly towards it. Just like I have a decision, you also have a decision on what type of connection you want with me. But don't manipulate information for your own benefit, because you'll always be wrong for that.
I'm great, not to toot my own horn, but I'm an amazing person. I've overcome many obstacles in my life and I've experienced a lot of heartbreaks, but I also know what I come with and what I can deliver. I was telling someone that I'm not looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I just want to value the people whom I share parts of my life with. I also told this person about some issue I’ve experienced lately with some men and I think this person thinks I have all these men in my life trying to date me or blowing up my phone, when that's really not the case. I don’t get an abundance of phone calls or text messages, and none of them know where I live. My world consists of school, work, loved ones, and time to myself. There's men who try to find their way into my life, but they don’t get far and I don’t lose sleep over that.
To my two readers, neither of you are stupid. Your emotions got the best of you and unfortunately, you allowed your heart to beat for men who can't fully give their hearts to you. I know that feeling, but I'm okay because I decided to stop living in a false reality and accepting the actual reality. You two will need to navigate through the same thing if you want to stop being disappointed.
Ladies, men will put us through a lot of things. Love and pain sometimes go hand in hand. To the men I've loved, in a way, I still love them, some more than others. And I'm not in the business of putting their flaws on display for everyone to see. I let them do all of that on their own. And in any situation where a man feels he has to defend himself for others, I don't tell my side of the story. I let anyone who's listening know to hear his story and come up with their own conclusions.
You have to keep in mind, when a person is telling you their side of a story, they are telling it from their perspective. And if we're not telling it together, I'm staying quiet about it. I may no longer be someone's wife, but I still have the mindset of a wife when it comes to my business with a man. The most you'll know is there was or there is something between us, but as far as how our relationship works or how it didn't work, the fine print is between us. Well, unless the man went off and had a baby on me, then that's not something you can hide.
To any of you ladies who are dealing with a married man, I can’t tell you what to do. You have to figure exactly what it is that you're doing and how far you're will to go for this man, and if you can accept that for yourself.
Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽
