Before I begin, let me clarify a few things. Although I am classified as a 'Single Mother', I get a lot of support from my Father. I never had/have to worry about the basics: where my children and I would sleep, what we would eat, and how I could maintain a career. (My Daddy Dearest is the best.) When I travel, my Father fully attends to his grandchildren, heck even when I'm home my kids sometimes rather be around their PopPop. Thanks kids, Mommy really feels great about that. Although, I still face other struggles of being the one parent they call on. Their teachers still refer me to by my previous last name and I supposed in their defense, my maiden name is a bit more difficult (Laephuang = Lay-pwong). I don't even flinch anymore when I hear it because I've made peace with my past and calling me by my previous name doesn't make the top 10 of my list of issues being a single parent.
When it comes to business it can be tricky with how much information you give about your home life. In time you will learn about you work with but, there will still be some boundaries that we dare not cross, I'm not one who overshares. With networking, identifying myself as a mother is something I shy away from because it's usually followed with a round of questioning..."You have kids?" "How many?" "You were married?" "Where is the father?" "Is he involved?". I feel that there is still this unspoken notion of thinking women are "incapable in business" because they have children, the irony. There are a few business colleagues who have no idea I have children. Although, I don't mind and I understand people are naturally curious, but sometimes I like to keep my personal life private which is why some people have misconceptions of me.
In 2015 a report released by the US Census Bureau claims that there are approximately 13.7 million single parents in the United States, and despite assumptions that women want to raise children on their own, studies say that majority of single parent homes began with committed relationships and never anticipated to be single parents. Some of us are left with raising children alone without much say and some of us rather raise children by ourselves than go through the frustration of arranging meetings and agreements with the other side...some of you men are just....ugh. Interestingly, there has been a rise of single fathers over the years. A colleague of mine has full custody of his son and the mother is barely in the picture and to my understanding, she doesn't want to be. It's almost taboo to hear of that but, Yeah, there are some women who ain't worth a nickle either. For many of us, it's not our first choice to be a single parent. Why would we want to choose to raise a whole human alone with little to no support from the other parent and on one income? Those of us who go against the odds and prevail are really ones to honor. In 2018, there were about 16.4 million children living with a single mother in the United States, and about 3.25 million children living with a single father. These number seem to just be increasing. Yup, we are all statistics.
Because my Single Mother Status is a bit pampered does not mean I do not face certain obstacles as other Single Parents out there. I still have to be fully involved in their academics, open house, parent-teacher conferences, after school activities, tie shoes, taking off the training wheels, driving, knowing who their friends are, making sure they have hearty meals, doctor's appointments, health insurance, birthday celebrations, hand out chores, give allowance, plan vacations, getting them involved in things outside of school, the list goes on. There is no one standing on the front line with me ready to take a run at these responsibilities. Not to mention, I've not yet reach the phase of puberty with my son, and the stories I've heard...Lord, help me. The term "stankass" that I use towards my son I feel like I am going to continue to use it until he's out of my house. And of course when they get sick at school or if there is some other problem, I am the one who is expected to come to the rescue.
Hell yeah, It would be appreciated for someone to take on these battles with me, but that is not my focus at the moment and I've conditioned my life to cater to what I created. I keep my Father away from most of my parental responsibilities because he's already raised his kids and I now have to raise mine own. There are moments where I have to tell him to stay in his lane when I am correcting his grandchildren, he doesn't like it, but I'm their Momma. I am also learning that because I have a boy and a girl, they need to be taught different lessons. I do prepare my son's plate before I prepare my daughter's and at times she will make her little brother a meal when he asks. My son has learned to hold the doors for his sister and I, randomly kiss our foreheads, and compliment us, among other chivalrous behaviors. One day my sister was pulling up, it was raining, my son grabbed an umbrella, ran to her car, opened her door and held the umbrella over her head, he's 9 years old. There are some gender traditions I want my kids to practice and by the way, cooking and cleaning is a survival skill NOT a gender role. (Here is a funny article about Single Moms vs. Single Dads.) Yes, I may have to schedule time away from work, cancel meetings, push emails to later, and consider how much energy a project will drain me and if it will interfere with any plans I have with my little people. This means that my schedule at home is mostly full.
I am not one of those 'PTA Moms' who micromanages her kids and has to be involved in EVERYTHING they do, mainly because I don't have the time or energy...go ahead and fight me on it 'Helicopter Moms', I don't need your rude banter on what "Good Parents" are supposed to do. I once told my son, "I love you kid, but you get on my f*ckin' nerves sometimes." to which he responded, "I know...and don't say bad words to me." As much as I am involved, I also give my kids space, I let them do stupid things, I let them watch scary movies, stay up late on school nights, and they can yell at me when I do wrong. My children and I have an understanding of each other. Instead of one parent and two children, we behave like 3 people living together and learning what works and doesn't work for us. Just like how any other relationship may operate. My kids have gotten used to me being in and out for different reasons. When I am out, they check on me and once they confirm I'm okay, they leave me alone. I am still their Parent but, I allow them to speak openly with me and talk about various topics. Yes, at times I also allow my kids to curse whether out of frustration or just being silly (they don't drop f-bombs, it's the less vulgar words I allow them to use) and they tease me as much as I tease them; we have fun in my family.
*Forewarning to any future stepchildren I may have, your father is not going to like how much you rather want to hang out with me than him. (Whispers:...and if your father and I don't work out, you kids are still welcome at my house and I'll still fix you some food, I'll even make up your bed if you want to stay over, we'll tell your dad about it in the morning.) We don't fault children for our adult indiscretions; we find a way to make it better for them.
I appreciate employers who understand the need to be present for our kids. Do you know how difficult it is to get a check up, dentist appointment, and an eye appointment scheduled on the same day? And let's not mention if you have to run by the pharmacy to fill a prescription. It's even more difficult to manage time with children under 5 years of age. And bless the women who find themselves pregnant and single. How you got in that situation is not as important as what you plan to do next. There may be some decisions you are not proud of or maybe you didn't handle something with the best judgment; just face what you have to overcome to be okay and trust me, I KNOW, that shit ain't easy. You feel like you're alone, you get these judgmental looks when you go to your appointments by yourself while other expectant moms are sitting next to their doting partners and when the doctor asks about the father, you pause with discontent, then you also notice people looking down at your bare ring finger, Yeah there's one finger I want to show you and it's definitely NOT my ring finger. It's unfortunate that some of us go through this, but guess what My Love, You've got this. Let the other parent figure out their own lives while you continue to maneuver through yours. The key word here is ACCEPTANCE. Accepting what you've decided to do and accepting what the other parent is not deciding to do. Never make the children be in the middle of your tug-of-war and don't ever speak ill of the other half.
On top of all that, you still have to keep an income to care for your family. Maintaining a comfortable lifestyle on one income takes a lot of budgeting, re-budgeting, investing, saving, transferring money, and putting into an emergency account. It also takes a lot of time to invest in developing your professional/business skills to make the salary you need to have the life you want. Whew. I am one parent working as two, the head of my household, I had to be strategic and obtain more than one revenue stream to afford the lifestyle the kids and I like. So any men out there who want to fuss with me about how I spend my free time, what I do with my money, or challenge my ambitions, Take your clown ass to the exit, I never sent for you anyway. Fellas, I don't know how it is on your end as single parents, but if you face the same scrutiny as some of us women do and still have faith in humanity, You are a strong soul my friend, cheers.
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Side Note: Did you know at one point in history, there was an issue for women to claim 'Head of Household' even if she made more money or had more valued assets than her husband? -- English jurist William Blackstone put it in his Commentaries on English Law (1765–1769): By marriage, the husband and wife are one person in the law: that is, the very being or legal existence of the woman is suspended during the marriage, or at least is incorporated and consolidated into that of the husband: under whose wing, protection, and cover, she performs every thing. -- It was presumed that once you are married, the husband manages the household. Oh, okay, come fix your own plate and iron your own shirts then...I make your house a home. There were even inheritance laws that left out the daughters.
Ladies, as much as things still need to progress, you have to admit, we've come a long way so far. Remember that one time when all races of men could vote before any of us could? Oh and remember when it was okay for them to hit us if they did it with an open hand?
...Let me get back on track before I go into a wild tangent of how women were treated decades ago...and still today.
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Back to us Singles...It's okay Parents. Breathe. And then Breathe again.
There are many family-friendly companies to work for but, don't abuse their graces or benefits, you still have to do the work. I've been lucky enough to work with a company and a handful of other businesses who give me flexibility to be a Mom. If you find an organization in your field of experience, GREAT. If not, it can be overwhelming to switch gears. I fell into the career I have now, my designation was in psychology. (My father hates it when I read/psychoanalyze him, so I think he secretly appreciated me changing directions; What is it with some of you men and counseling?) I had to learn everything new and with that, it has allowed me to expand professionally and personally. Life is amusing like that, whoever is running the show up there has really been throwing me some obstacles making me question so much about who I am, who I think I am, who I want to be, how I want for others to view me, and how I want to be thought of or remembered...Here I stand, however you know me, however you view, the Universe planned it that way. A dear friend of mine believes it has much to do with the zodiac signs...I do not fully believe in astrology but, I do take her words in small increments.
Here is an article that may help those who are facing challenges with work and kids. Look, no matter what age you are or what age your kids are, at any point you may find yourself standing between a rock and a hard place wondering whether to go left or right and which way is best for you and your family. We can't not work and we can't not be there for our family. When kids are involved, there is no simple answer and depending on what type parent you are verses the type of business goals you have...May the force be with you and say no to drugs.
*Above Video from 2017.