I’m skipping around topics for a sec because I wanted to share these thoughts about the interactions with men and women and how sometimes things can get uncomfortable, but there is not always a correct way to address it. So a few weeks ago there was a video making its rounds on social media. I’m mainly active on Linkedin and Instagram and use those platforms to completely different things. The video I am referring to, I saw in Instagram. You all know who Doja Cat is right? She’s a singer/rapper and has made a nice career for herself. Well in the video I saw, a fan came up to her he was very excited and standing close to her and I guess the fan has a tshirt business and he gave the shirt off his back to her, maybe to have her promote it in some way? I’m not sure of what his intent was for doing that. But in the same clip, you can see Doja is uncomfortable and she just going with it and I can only assume she’s just trying to not be rude or dismissive of the guy, so she entertains it for a little. Then sometime later she makes a post on one of her social media pages stating she was uncomfortable and that she threw the guy’s shirt away.
Of course this started a tirade of everyone’s opinions, somewhere in support of her and others were questioning why she didn’t say anything in that moment if she was uncomfortable, and some even pointed out that she matched the guy’s energy so she couldn’t have been uncomfortable. My opinion on this is that I side with Doja and I’ll explain why in a sec. My sister and I had a conversation about this, how men will approach us and when we are nice or friendly, they tend to take it too far, but how are we supposed to act in that moment? My sister was sharing with me how men can make things awkward all because she was being nice to them and didn’t want to seem like a bitch.
I’ve shared many times that I go to places by myself, and it’s not uncommon for men to approach me and strike up a conversation. I’m not stuck up, so I’ll engage in small talk. What I don’t like is when they take my willingness to converse as a signal that I am interested in anything more. And I know some of you may be thinking, “Well, he doesn’t know, so he’s just trying to figure it out as you two are talking.” - and I understand that, but there are also other things to pay attention to during the conversation, like my body language, how I am responding to you, and the topics we are talking about.
If you ask me about my relationship status, that kind of gives me a clue as to what your potential interests in me are, and if I am interested in you, there are certain ways I will answer that - I’m not going to reveal what I’d say, but if my answer is a bit standoffish or it’s not matching your energy, then that should give you a hint that I’m not interested in you beyond this conversation, but that means I’m expecting these men to have emotional intelligence and a good sense of self-awareness which I have learned that most men don’t have these acute skills.
I’ve been in situations where I’m having a conversation with a man who approached me and he got too comfortable where he started putting his hands on me, and ladies and gentlemen, this has happened more times than a little. And when I am having a conversation with a man I’m not interested in, I stay congnizant on my body language where I don’t get too close or I keep my distance, or I don't engage in topics that I feel may give him the wrong impression of what I’m willing to do. Like sexual inuendos, I don’t entertain or add to, I maybe will give a little laugh and then change the topic.
But uncomfortable things also happen when I’m not having a conversation with someone. Recently, I was hanging out with one of my guy friends, we were sitting at the bar and he went to the bathroom. A man was standing nearby who was talking to another woman, he reached over to me and started playing with my hair. I just look at him and I look at her, she doesn't react and I just give a little smile, then I notice my friend walking back. He saw what happened and looked at the man like WTF. My friend asked me if I knew him and I said no, and then he ask if I wanted him to say something to the guy and I said no. Now, ladies, I know some of you would want a man to go into protective mode and go approach this man, but all of my friends and I have professions, careers, families and a lot to lose if something serious happens; so we have to be smart in how we handle things. So my friend and I just left and he asked me how I was feeling, and this may be sad to hear, but this happens so often, (not someone random playing with my hair, but men crossing my boundaries) that I’m kind of numb to it. And I said to him, if I address it and say something then I become the problem because then I’m accused of not going with the vibe or I’m rude or I’m stuck up or I’m not a chill person. Plus, I have no clue how that man will react, so it’s two parts. If I address it, then I’m the problem because I’m making “a big deal out of nothing,” and it’s also for my safety because, again, I do go out by myself a lot. My friend was really bothered by this because he has a daughter and of course he doesn’t want her going through things like this and he was like, “I’m sorry you go through this, you shouldn’t have to.” And I just reiterated to him that I’m just used to it now and I do my best not to make a scene over it.
There have been times where I had to pull away from men who I just met who try to hug me too tight and rub on my body or men who try to kiss me all because I had a friendly conversation with them and you want to know the types of things these men said to me to make me feel bad for pulling away?
Why don’t you want to hug me, aren’t we cool?
I can’t get a kiss, we were having a good time tonight?
What, I can’t touch on you?
I can’t help it, you’re just so beautiful.
Stop being like that, I’m a nice guy.
So, fellas, am I supposed to let you all do what you want just because we had a conversation? Do you think that a woman being nice to you is obligated to let you touch her? And is supposed to go home with you all because she welcomed a conversation? Maybe I’m an anomaly, maybe I’m one of the few women who just like to have a conversation and just keep it at that. And fellas, if you are not sure if a woman is interested in you or not, then just take her number and see if she wants to hang out with you again or even engages in another conversation with you.
So, yes I do believe Doja Cat was uncomfortable and I do believe that in order to avoid making an uncomfortable situation more uncomfortable, she tried to be a nice as she could. And to the viewers, that may have looked like she was okay with the guy invading her personal space because she didn’t push back, but her facial expression and body language said a lot. To the people who supported the guy’s position, affirming that he did nothing wrong only let’s this guy know it’s okay to hug on women he doesn’t know and cross their boundaries. What do you all think about this topic? Am I wrong or is my sister wrong for being friendly to men? Where is the boundary and how do we let men know not to cross it without them gaslighting us or being disrespectful to us?
Be safe everyone.
