“There’s 3 emotions that can kill you: 1. Love 2. Revenge 3. Greed.
I am too blessed to be greedy and I don’t have the time for revenge. ”
I don’t want to speak too much about this because I do not want to get ahead of myself, so this may be the first and last time I mention something like this.
So there is someone I’ve been getting to know. He's very new to me, not even a full year. Nothing has happened between us other than conversations, so I don’t have a pseudonym for him at the moment. It it becomes something, I may create a little nickname for him.
He's very aware of my life and what I'm trying to do so he knows that my time is limited and so is my headspace. The way he talks to me is so sweet, it's like he wants to protect my soul and he makes me feel so feminine. Let me try to explain it…
My natural vernacular, the way I speak, the tones I used when I'm excited or sad can be brass at times, but I don't do that with him. It’s like there’s a softness that takes over me and I want my words to be delicate with him. I’m nervous to share this with my friends especially the fellas because they're going to ask me to bring him around and I’m not ready to do that for two reasons. 1. I know how my guy friends are. They’ll do or say things to test him or get a feel for him, and that's not a bad thing. I’m just don’t want him to be in that scenario right now. I want to learn him some more. 2. If I bring this man around, they are going to see how different I am with him. They've seen the tough and strong Raya. They've seen the no tolerance Raya. They've never seen this version of me and to be honest THIS VERSION of me is a bit surprising to me too!
It's like as soon as I see a message from him or hear his voice or lay eyes on him, my cold exterior melts. I look at him and instantly feel like there’s a layer of love covering me and that he won't let anyone hurt me or disrespect me. Maybe he's only in my life to teach me that there are men who can make me feel like this where I can completely be soft and pink. If that's his purpose, if he here to prepare me for my next love, then I fully accept it. Because again, he knows I can't focus on a relationship right now he also knows that I need to keep my heart to myself for a little bit and that I’m only extending it to the people who’ve already been in my life for many years.
He doesn’t know the details of my most recent lover, but he knows there's some damage there. And I did tell him that I have common friends with the previous lover. He asked a few questions about that, but I expected it because yeah, if you're slightly interested in someone and they are close friends with people who's close to the last person they were involved with, how does that work? But he doesn't give me any insecure vibes or suspicious vibes. He even said that when the time is right, I will eventually have a healthy interaction with the previous lover. But he also said that anyone who was willing to give me up completely don’t really deserve to even be near me. I’m sure he was trying to make me feel good with that last statement, and it did. 🥰
He's very confident. He's not pressuring me to be anymore than a friend who he shares insightful conversations with. Who knows, that might be part of his finesse, but let me not allow my mind to go there. I've experienced men be one way when I meet them and become another way afterwards. But I’ve never been as gentle as I am and the way I am with this one.
The way he says my name makes my heart flutter. He has that southern twang in his speech but he articulates his words very well, he’s highly intelligent and with me being an academic, I admire that a lot. Even his emotional intelligence has shocked me, he listens to what I talk about and reads between my lines to pick up on what I don’t say and he doesn’t use that against me, he just listens and let’s me be as comfortable as I need to be.
But I am more surprised with myself! I know I am a good person and I know I am sweet to people especially when they are sweet to me, but I never caught myself being so soft before.
I’m fcked, aren’t I Ladies? Yeah, I think I need not to speak to him for a few weeks. I cannot make any big changes in my life right now, let alone make any changes with my heart. I am not ready for that yet and sadly, if that means I lose the connection with him, then that’s the sacrifice I need to make in order to reach the success I want and keep the peace I have. That may be unfortunate for him, but I can’t get involved with anyone’s misrepresented soul again. I still need to protect mine. I’m not a bum b*ch waiting for a man to change my life and wear me on his arm or show me to the world like a trinket. No, I’m not one of these girls living life on a whim chasing after an emotional high. I have plans, I want great things. When I am ready to love, I am going to LOVE. Right now, I like him. He’s good to my soul and making me reveal a part of me that I did not know was there.
Goodness, I hope he's as good as he seems to be, Lord knows I deserve it.
Be safe everyone.
