Looking For Trouble

A little revelation about my 2 dreams, if you need to catch up with what I’m talking about go to the post right before this one. There's a few audio clips in there. I still keep having the dreams, except the recent nights, I now think the person I’m calling and the person standing next to me is the same person. With the phone dream, instead of calling the person, I am texting the person and this time the person sent a message back. What was said in the message was the same thing the person in the other dream said to me, but I can’t make out his voice. Sometimes my dreams have a funny way of keeping me wondering until it actually happens in my waking life. Seems cruel, huh? 😏 But at least now I know the two dreams are connected!

Also, another thing I should mention is the whole Keke Palmer fiasco with her partner. I know, I just hyped those two up and now the Usher thing happened and things seem to be iffy between them, but hey I did tell you guys….forever doesn't last a long time! I do see both sides to it, for Keke, she’s out with her friends, she’s feeling good, and she’s just enjoying herself. For her partner, he sees the woman he is with who is also the mother of his child wearing a very revealing outfit and in the face of another man. Look, I wear things all the time that show parts of my body, but I am very conscious of how close I am to a man, even being single. I do hope they find a way to communicate and be cordial even if they don’t stay together.


“There's such things as good trouble.”

Let's talk about trouble. I do believe if you're looking for trouble, you will definitely find it, no matter what it is. I also believe there's such things as good trouble. We’ll talk more about that in a minute. If you are looking for something to be wrong about someone, you will find it, guaranteed, but don’t go looking for something that doesn’t need to be found, let that sit for a bit, that may mean something different to each of you. For instance, don’t look for something to justify anything you did wrong or could have done better. Like don’t try to pull out someone else’s flaws when you still need to work on yours. Don’t call-out someone else, if you can’t accept being called out. But, if your gut is telling you something is not right, listen to it, because you are probably correct. And at that point you need to decide if what you are feeling is something you can deal with long term.

So let’s talk about “good trouble”. Good trouble is what I call taking a risk, but it’s not causing harm to anyone. Like complimenting someone who you may have some history with, but what makes it “trouble” is not knowing where that compliment will get you, you guys following me here? Will it get you to a happy ending or will it just be words that stood in one place?

So let me share something really quick: Every now and then, I say some suggestive things to a guy I know, I’m not sure if he’s noticed it because I always say I’m joking and the reason I do that is, I am not sure if I want what I say to go any further than just a statement. I’m so cory, I know. I just don’t want to get into any BS with anyone and I’ve been good on my celibacy kick, even though I don’t refer to it as that because my purpose is not to abstain from sex, but more so abstain from getting involved with someone who is going to bring me down as opposed to being considerate to me. My Goods are GOOD right now and I want to keep it that way and I am only willing to share my good with someone who is transparent with me….BUT HELL, I don’t know, one of these days someone might just say the right thing at the right moment…and that’s all she wrote!

Ideally, there is nothing wrong if you want a little trouble here and there, just be careful with how much you may be rocking the boat and don’t do anything that may put you in a compromising situation. Be careful out there everyone.


January Summary

“Come with love and peace or leave needing it.”

WHEW…I don’t know about you guys, but this month has been A LOT! I hit the ground running on the first of the month and have not stopped yet! Plus we talked about a lot of topics in the last few weeks, wouldn’t you agree? I don’t think I have ever wrote this much in one month. I cannot promise it will continue to be like this, my Spring term is heavily centered around reading and research, so I may have a period of quietness, but don’t fret, I am never gone too long.

I also want to welcome the 800 new readers here, I don’t know what caught your interest to this site, but I am so happy you chose to be here and read or listen to all this madness. THANK YOU! For those of you who are new, I’m Raya. I developed this site in 2008. I write about topics pertaining to love, relationships, how to best navigate through them and to not lose yourself in the process. Many times I reference my own experiences, but I never get too personal.

The Effort Series

I listen to my church sermons online now, but when I used to go in person, I really made sure I was presentable.

I’ve already got a few topics set aside for February such as identifying the types of relationship you want vs. the types of relationship you get into and how you include other people into your relationship. For instance if people are always around you and getting involved into your personal details, then it’s their relationship too 🤷🏽‍♀️😆. I am also going to talk about the suggestion one of you readers gave me about my own love life…that’s going to be an interesting topic. Plus, are you guys zodiac people? Meaning you follow hard on what your birth sign is and how it relates to your future and the type of person you are? I’m not. Although, I do have friends like that and I do listen intently, I’m just not a full believer. One of my friends sent me a zodiac compatibility based on my sign, which I thought was very interesting and that’s going to be another topic. So yeah, February is mapped out it seems. Any of you have Valentine’s Day plans? I think I may do a spa day, wine and dine myself with a fancy dinner (there is the one resturant called Evnaglines that people keep telling me about, but I have yet to go to. I wonder if I’ll need a reservation if it’s just me…Hey, I have no shame in have dinner by myself. I enjoy my own company and that’s why I think the “Single” life with an understanding and caring lover-friend will work best for me), and maybe I’ll book a night at a local hotel. We’ll see.

Happy February everyone!


Open Relationships

Okay lovers, let’s talk about this. Open Relationships…are you for it or against it? Here are my thoughts on this…

Theoretically, No. I don't want to be in a situation where I’m lied to, heartbroken, feeling like I'm not important, where I’m not thought of or considered, other people are seeing me as foolish, and women believing they can take my place. But practically, can a man take away all of those concerns and still make his lady feel secure and loved while doing whatever he decides to do when he's out by himself or with his friends? I’m going to answer with a soft yes only because I’ve witness this with some other relationships.

"If you’re playing me keep it on a low, because my heart can't take it anymore. If you're creepin, please don’t let it show." - Mario Winans (2004)

It’s possible, but only when 2 people have a true understanding of each other and understanding the needs of each person and what they desire to function happily and progressively. And that may consist of not asking certain questions that may resort to a lie or viewing certain things he does or says with skepticism. If he’s going out, I'd appreciate him telling me, but I’m not going to ask too many specifics details about it or blow up his phone throughout the night, I’ll just reach out to him the next day. The main thing is to keep a good flow of communication between each other and keep one another updated. Don't go silent on your partner. Also, never look through anyone’s phone, whether you find something or not, it will always lead to drama. Here's something you should never forget, If you're looking for trouble, you're definitely going to find it. And with today’s generations, you can find anything on social media. I’m so glad I grew up during a time where we just had fun and didn’t need to show the world, but for whatever reason, some people still need that validation.

If I'm in a relationship, I want it to be meaningful. If it’s just about sex, anyone can give you that. I want intimacy and I want a man to lead me correctly and not blindside me with heartache. You can't just offer me sex and expect me to fall in line with whatever fuckery you do out in the world. But if you are bringing me support, love, comfort, protection, compassion and friendship, then I’m going to be more open to your lead. Be a man I can count on and not someone who disappears when he doesn't feel like talking or when things get difficult.

I had a similar conversation about a man leading and my belief is that I'm feminine, so to balance I prefer a man to exude masculinity. If he’s meeting me for the first time I prefer him to break the ice and thereafter if he says or does things that make it seem like he's indecisive, aloof, or waiting on me to give him a sign before he makes a move, then I'm not going to look at him romantically. A leader assess his options and makes a sound decision and he won’t know if it's the wrong decision until he follows through with it, but make the decision.

Lead the way in a non-aggressive and smooth manner and I'll decide whether to follow or not. And if I do follow, we can figure out other things along the way and develop the camaraderie with each other. Let me know you want something special with me. Don't think you're being too much by showing you like me and letting other people know you like me. I don’t like men who are disengaged with people's feelings, especially if we’re intimate. And the type of man he is will show me the type of man I’ll either love and cherish or the type of man I need to keep at a distance. Be nice to me, but be firm and sure with what you want with me.

I’m never going to outwardly say yes to having an open relationship. I am always going to be an advocate of being loved by a man who doesn't make me feel like I have to worry about our connection or make me question if I’m in his heart with another woman who isn't family. In an open relationship, you should never let the other person feel they have the upper hand over your partner. I want someone who thinks to call me with good news and bad news, who still says things like, “Hey, I’m going to be at this place at a certain time, you should come out.” Be my friend and don’t stop, that’s the best way. Share good music and movies with me and I don’t want you to be just like me. Let’s have a difference of opinions sometimes, talk about it, laugh about it, and maybe learn something new from each other. And as a friend, what would you want to protect me from? Don't let someone else break what we have, keep it sacred. Because remember, people who don’t have you are likely going to try harder and do more to get your attention especially if you're already with someone.

Be careful with what you do with people. What you intend may not play out they way you expect and you'll then have to deal with the outcome. You’ve got to be emotionally intelligent enough to handle not only your emotions, but also the emotions of others you've effected. Feelings and relationships can be a war zone, don’t think there won’t be any bombs.


You Don't Like Complex

Happy Tip: Any time you are sad, give yourself time to be sad, but try not to dwell too long, sadness can cripple you (sometimes when I'm sad, I won’t leave my house for days and not want to be around people, but I have to remind myself, life is still moving and I need to move too). Learn to groove into other emotions by switching to happier topics or thinking of things that boost your energy and serotonin levels.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Artist: Giulia Rosa (I love this artist’s expressions of love and sex)

You ladies have voiced a lot of your grievances about men over the years. Men do not see their own bullsh*t sometimes. And they always try to make excuses for lacking. I came up with a simple message for men who think they are adequate…I know some of the men are going to dislike this, but hear us out:

You do not like someone with baggage, who maybe has previous trauma, children or a career that will get in the way of giving all her attention to you. You want someone to always be available for you, but want her to understand when you cannot be available for her. You don’t want someone who is complex because then you will feel pressured to think and do things that you are not capable of doing. You think you want a strong woman, but when her strength challenges your abilities, you create barriers against her and try to make her seem like the problem. You like the idea of her, but you have not dug into your own flaws and setbacks to realize that you are not ready for everything she comes with. She doesn’t need you to be perfect, she just wants you stand by her and face the world with optimism, determination, prosperity, and love for her.

We have to be honest with ourselves and what we can handle right now, but don’t think that any involvement you have with anyone isn’t going to get difficult. What is more important is how you handle the difficulties; you either face them or run from them. And no matter what decision you make…every action has an equal or opposite reaction.

To the men who are single, live your best single life, but keep this in mind…if there is a woman around you who is of a certain stature and you do things that makes her think a little differently of you, she isn't going to automatically forget her image of you just because you tell her it’s not what it looks like or its not what it seems. This is the difference between a man who is cognizant and a man who isn't self aware. Behave how you believe yourself to be. I know that may be lost to some of you. — Let’s say you and I are friends and you tell me you don't go out often and don’t like to be out all night, but every other weekend you’re out partying it up. Huh? Or if you tell me you don’t have anything going on with someone, but I happen to see you getting very cozy with someone, how am I supposed to think of that? Either you are with someone, starting something with someone, or you just let anyone get cozy with you.

Artist: Giulia Rosa

Hey, I'm single and I hang out and I meet people, but I’m still aware of how things could be perceived by the people around me. Even when I step out to my favorite places, most of the people know my face so I am not going to get affectionate with anyone I am not sleeping with or who I do not know very well. I’m not going to put my arm around anyone or press my body against them or act in a suggestive way with them. - Now I told you I hung out with one of my guy friends before Thanksgiving, right? Remember, I barely see him, but we catch up like once a year and when we were hanging out, we went to the place he usually goes to and throughout the evening he did keep hugging me and kissed my head a few times, but the way he did it was more like, this is my friend, I have love for her and I am enjoying her company. His behavior wasn’t inappropriate at all. So say if there was another guy hanging out with us who was interested in me, he would not think there was anything going on between my friend and I because of how we both conducted ourselves.

If you like a woman, don't give her the impression you're interested in someone else. Don’t act like a man who seems to share himself with everybody, that is not appealing. I don’t want what everyone else has or can have. But if you like ME, do small things like asking how I am, or what my weekend plans are, get into what I’m saying, or better yet make a point to see me and be the man you believe yourself to be. I know I’ve said before that I don't like not knowing where I stand with a man, YOU ARE THE MAN, set the tone for this otherwise I’m just going to chalk it up as you're not interested or I'm not your type.

Here’s a quick story. The big radio station in Philadelphia is “Power99”. And years ago Wendy Williams had a syndicated radio show. You may know Wendy as the talk show host, but I remember her from her radio days and I actually like her more then. I didn’t really watch her talk show that much, but when she was on the radio, I tuned in everyday! One time, Andre Benjamin was on her show, he’s also known as Andre 3000 or the other half of Outkast. Around that time he already had a son with Erykah Badu, but he told the story of how Common (who was just starting to become known) came to him and let him know that he and Erykah started seeing each other. And I think it was a bit of commotion because Andre and Erykah were still somewhat involved. But as Andre was telling the story, he was very clam, cool, and collected, it did not sound like there was animosity, he almost seem like he was appreciative that Common came to him to let him know that he didn’t mean any disrespect, he just wanted it to be known that he started seeing Erykah. I remember listening to this and thinking highly of both men and identifying the uncommon qualities that not all men possess, like being a man of honor. Again this was many years ago so you can just image how my views of good men have evolved.

Artist: Giulia Rosa

Now of course I was only hearing one side of the story, I don’t know Common’s or Erykah’s point of view, but I felt like it was so mature of both men to discuss it with each other and I never heard of the two of them having an issue with each other. And if what Andre said was true then Common didn’t push Erykah to talk to him. He decided to do it. And I cannot think that Andre be the type of man to have resentment towards the mother of his child or a man who just wants to clear the air. He has always presented himself as being very laid back and reserved (I feel like Andre would be good friend to have). I even read one time that when Outkast started getting all their hype and recognition, he didn’t get into the loud lifestyle of alcohol, women, and overly gaudy spending. He’s also been said not to entertain groupies or like the attention of any pretty face and he lives a lowkey life. I love that about a man. Especially the men who are able to discipline themselves when there is a bevy to gorgeous women at their disposal. Just because a pretty girl is willing to give it up to you, doesn’t mean you should give into it.

And guys, I think this is where many women have their concerns, don’t be a man who is open to anyone, be a man who is selective and whom is mature enough to express yourself without deflecting, gaslighting, or insulting a woman…especially not with the woman you are interested in. — Please don’t shoot the messenger. Be safe out there.


Identifying Intimacy: A Lover's View

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. (2 parts)

We are in November, can you believe it? 2022 is almost over. I hope all of you got to do everything you wanted to this year. For me this year was kind of like a transformation and repurpose year because last year was my pain year due to things I had to undergo and force me to reshift my focus and rebalance a few things. This year was good, I got another degree in May which is also my birthday month so I have a great celebration. Then in August I decided to go back into school and work on a doctorate’s degree. So yeah, this year has been a hustle and there’s 2 more months left, so there’s not telling what more could happen. I’m not a zodiac or horoscope type of person, but I do believe in the magic of the universe and people. I believe that energies connect with one another whether positive or negative and become something bigger.

I just learned that on November 8th there is going to be a Full Moon Lunar eclipse, and the next one won’t happen for another 3 years. With this eclipse, I read that spiritually, it is about ending cycles, and letting go of pain and bad habits. Well why would you want to hold on to those things anyway? Those are heavy to carry. It’s also about getting out of your comfort zones, speaking your truths and feelings, having new insights, opening your eyes to transformation…wait, didn’t I just say this year as my transformational year? And the eclipse is in Taurus ♉️ during the time of Scorpio ♏️, which I do not know what that exactly means, but my birth sign is Taurus, and both Taurus and Scorpio people will be most affected by this eclipse. For fun I added some other details about the eclipse and it’s spiritual elements. 💫

WARNING: This is going to sound like a sappy romance novel which is funny because that's one of genres that I least like to read. And many times in those stories the two people who surprise each other are the ones who either didn't get along or disputed too much or didn't really open their eyes to each other in the beginning. I don't believe there’s a current man in my life whose able to surprise me. I could be wrong, I’ve been wrong before.

I kind of want to be chased, pursued, but men don’t do that anymore these days. They expect the woman to make the first moves. I wasn’t raised like that. I hate this younger social media generation that has changed the dynamics of relationships and love. It’s like the most basic actions like a guy opening the door for you or paying the restaurant tab, or just texting you to say good morning is seen a elite behavior when really, it’s just being a decent man. I’ll just say it, these girls today set the bar very low for these men and woman like me are not impressed. 😒

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll keep saying it: I value intimacy. I love creating a connection with someone, I think when 2 people just breathe in each other, it’s a beautiful euphoria. I value someone who wants to know me on a deeper level and not just what I like to do for fun. Someone who knows that I like the wing flats and saves me some. Someone who says, “No, she is not like that.” when my name is brought up in conversations and he affirms that he really knows me. It’s not just having conversations, it’s seeing me in my all my elements. I want to be special to him, not just someone who is only special on certain days. I want someone to say, “Hey I’m heading to a place you should come.” It doesn't have to be a lot because to me, the little things matter. Like giving me compliments, kissing my forehead, holding my hand, walking me to my door. Someone who chooses me while we’re in this together however long it lasts, and doesn't mind letting other women know I’m important to him. 😘

I want a lover. I like that term, “Lover”, it can mean so many things, but it’s the idea of two people making the most of every moment they are around each other and this may just sound like a good friendship and initially, that is what it is, a friendship with extra care and passion. Just like how you would take care of a plant or maintain your car, you have to cultivate the love. When I say “love” I'm not meaning it in the way couples may use it, I’m referring to it as a feeling of freedom and happiness. And the great thing about having a lover is that sometimes lovers are not forever, sometimes they are temporary and temporary can be any timeframe. A healthy distraction from work and school may be good for me, but with the way I’m going I can’t say how realistic that could be.

I don’t want a marriage, I want a romance. You see, you can love many people in your life and be with many people and each of them is different, right? So I want to have an experience that I've never had before. I want him to hold me like no man has ever before. And I want him to look at me and be so proud to even know me, let alone be able to have me. I want him to smile when he sees me walk into a room or when my name pops up on his phone.

I don’t want us to fit into the world around us, but rather the world be intrigued by us, because we refuse to conform to what is considered normal. Intimacy isn't just sex, it’s the actions of compassion. A homie, lover, friend, that’s what each of us should have…in one person. 🥰


Stay Unbroken

NEW - Don’t feel like reading? Listen to the audio instead. 🔊

DISCLAIMER: This post is just for laughs. Please do not take any content seriously.

Ladies, here are sure fire ways to keep from getting your heart broken.

Shirt is from a Woman Owned Small Business in Philadelphia, PA - forthejawns.com

  1. If he sends you a text message and you instantly start smiling when you see his name, ABORT MISSION and BLOCK HIM! Those are feelings coming to surface and you don’t have time for feelings! 🙃

  2. If he asks you to come hang out with just him, DON’T DO IT!! It's a trap. You'll end up having a good time, you’ll start liking his company and then when he’s not available, you’re going to wonder if he’s out with another heffa. 😳

  3. If he comments on how soft your skin looks, GIRL JUST WALK AWAY and don’t let him touch nothing on you! 🚫

  4. If he calls you Beautiful or uses other terms of endearment like Babe or Baby Girl, RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK! Those are ‘warming her up’ terms and we don’t need that nonsense!🏃🏽‍♀️

  5. If he asks you about your day, DON’T RESPOND. He’s trying see where he can fit into that day. 👀

  6. If he tells you to come over because he made dinner, STAY HOME! You’ll wake up the next morning wearing his t-shirt. 🥴

  7. If he says, “You’re good people.IT’S A MIND TRICK! What he’s really saying is that you probably are good at keeping secrets and not telling people you’re fooling around so he can tell people nothing is going on between you two. 😵‍💫

  8. If you catch him looking at you and doesn’t say anything ACT STUPID like you didn’t notice him lusting on you because if you engage in whatever he is thinking about you’ll be undoing your bra strap for him later than night! 🙈

  9. If he asks you, “Why are you running from me?” when you keep ducking his advances, that’s him trying to smoothly assert his dominance and ladies we all do get a weakness for those dominate men. DON’T FALL FOR IT! 😵

  10. If you need some handy work done around the house and he offers to come over to help, B*TCH CALL A HANDY MAN and let that man stay his ass home. If he comes over to start fixing things, he’ll make his way to fixing you! 🙉

Again this is just for laughs. At the end of the day, you are in control of who gets in your bed or whose bed you wake up in. And honestly, all those things above sound appealing, but I am not open to having anyone play with my time and my emotions. I give too much for someone not to give the same back. I recall someone said to me, “It’s always all about YOU.” — I had to really pause on that and try to reflect back on anytime I DIDN’T compromise or make adjustments to make THAT person more comfortable, but yet I guess it wasn’t good enough since they tried to gaslight me like their action were always justified…which they weren’t. That statement really bothered me and hurt my feelings, but it was a while ago and water under the bridge now. That person obviously didn’t pay attention to who I am and most likely didn't value me, but ironically only thought about what they wanted from me.

Moving on. Again, you are in control of who you entertain. There is no perfect person which means there is no perfect relationship or connection. And on a serious note, if you look passed the red flags or lower your standards below your comfort levels for someone, you're really opening yourself to be hurt. Although, pain does teach us valuable lessons. Have fun, but be mindful.


The Energy You Give

The energy you give is just as important as the energy you allow yourself to take in. Energies can easily be changed, shifted, and influenced. You want to be cognizant of the vibe you are exuding. Even if you are being friendly, if your mood is distant or shut off, it will still come through: tone, word usage, and body language can convey your current energy. You have to be carefully with your negative energy because someone else might match it. If your tone is aggressive or dismissive then should you be offended if the person you are talking to meets your tone with the same energy?

When someone is upset, they don’t look outside themselves and see how their behavior is possibly influencing bad reactions from others, that’s why when people are arguing, nothing is being heard, therefore nothing is being solved. Good leaders, whether of a company or a home, have to be careful of the energy they are giving off because it will either encourage positive responses or rebellious ones. This is the main reason why arguing through text is never a good idea.

Example: This wasn’t an argument, but it could have turned into one if I didn’t practice self-awareness. I sent a message to someone late at night with misguided information. I pieced together different parts of conversations with people earlier that evening and the end conclusion that I held on to was completely inaccurate 🤦🏽‍♀️ (!!!) And the response I got the next morning was very justified 🙃😄. But instead of holding my ground and causing friction, I began to accept my misunderstanding and revert back to a happier energy.

*But I’ve noticed sometimes when people know who I am or who I know, they'll say certain things around me to see my reaction or how I respond. 😒

What do you notice when you are genuinely happy or at least happy with the people around you? You are laughing, you are smiling, you are welcoming, and you are emanating good, positive energy which flows onto others and their same energy flows onto you. So it’s a good practice to be around people who are in sound mind, body, and peace. But we are not robots, so we cannot always be cheerful. Although, when we are not in a happy-go-lucky mood some of us shut down and need space from everyone (be mindful that you are not hurting others when you are in this alone or dark space), while others try to find their happiness through others (also not healthy).

When my mood is down, I keep myself away from everyone because I don’t want what’s bothering me to inflict them, but I still have to work on not letting other people get me down. I still have certain triggers that switch my mood from good to horrible very quickly.

*While on vacation, I got some weird tan lines due to my choice of swimwear. 🛳🌞👙

In a physical relationship, pay attention to whom you share your intimate energy with. Intimacy at this level intertwines your aural energy with the aural energy of the other person. These powerful connections, regardless of how insignificant you think they are, leave spiritual debris, particularly within people who do not practice any type of cleansing, physical, emotional or otherwise. The more you interact intimately with someone, the deeper the connection and the more of their aura is intertwined with yours. Imagine someone having a confused aura or negative energy and they are sleeping with multiple people, now their aura is being carried around through these multiple energies and the person is also carrying around the auras of other people. What they may not realize is that others can feel that energy which can repel positive energy and attract more negative energy into your life. — If you believe this, then you should not sleep with anyone who you do not what to be like or not happy to be around because their energy will begin to transfer stress into your life.

If you have sex with positive, loving, uplifting people their energy is absorbed and uplifts you. If you have sex with negative, pessimistic, unstable, depressive people then that energy will have you confused, frustrated and moody.

This entire theory is the idea that environmental energy and physical energy manifests itself to mental energy. Anyone in agreement any with this?


Building Barriers

It is said that you carry pain from previous relationships and that your ex-partners encouraged the walls you now have up. I find this to be very true with every man I have been involved with. I loved them all differently. I willingly loved them and wanted to keep loving them, but they ended up draining me and I couldn’t give in anymore.

When you love someone or deeply like someone, you’re decisions can become compromised and complicated. You are not wrong for wanting to show that you love someone, you just have to be careful with how much you are giving vs. what you are receiving back. My default is that I am naturally a giver. I’m loving, I’m supportive, I’m there for you; I tend to care too much which leads to my flaw…I extend myself too much until I’m overreaching my limit. Then I’m upset, disappointed, and heartbroken. In time I’m back to finding myself opening up to take the risk again. — Everything is a risk especially when it involves the heart. Sometimes things need to be broken to know what barriers you still need to put up, keep up, or take down.

Each time I let down some walls, I was taught a lesson and yes, sometimes the lessons made me build more barriers and raise my standards. — That’s just part of protecting yourself and giving yourself time to heal and reflect…if we do not give ourselves this needed time, we can develop damaging behaviors that affect anyone we get involved with too soon. It is not unusual to go through this cycle many times in our lives depending on how proactive we are with relationships. There are people who are serial daters, constantly with a partner; then there are those like me who rarely get involved with anyone. Everyone was their own pace and reasons for companionship, I just advise everyone to be sure you are ready and willing to make adjustments and compromises to your comfort zones, including your barriers or walls.

With one of my biggest lessons, I cannot see myself getting too close to a man who shows himself to be fickle with me. — One moment very interested, the next moment acts like I’m an afterthought and has other woman all over him right in front of me. I have written about this a few years ago…A MAN SETS THE TONE with how a relationship proceeds or derails. I’m not suck in the old world, but a man is to be the leader, leading his home, his family, and his partner. Yet, not all leaders are great leaders. Bad leaders are dictators and do not take into account anyone else’s input. In today’s atmosphere it is highly regarded for a man to have a bevy of women around him. Although, that let’s me know he probably doesn’t value intimacy or at least in the same sense that I do (I wrote about this previously too). — OR that his mind is so sparsely divided that he cannot focus on giving one woman attention. I’m not a child; I have kids, responsibilities, and my own daily agenda, so I don’t need all of your attention or even a lot of attention, but I do appreciate it when a man is making time for me and thinks of me often.

I’m not naïve, men have their fun how they have their fun when they go out, but if your special lady is out with you too there is a protocol of how NOT to act with other women. The woman you should be walking to her car, driving her home, or checking on periodically is the woman you are sleeping with. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Men have to restrict their chivalry and friendliness towards other women when they are involved. It also let’s the other women know their limitations with him. I only say this because I restrict how I am with other men when I am sleeping with someone. But if you or the person don’t care about conserving each other’s thoughts or feeling then I guess Let your hoe flag fly. (Even the married men I know are firm on their restrictions with what they allow themselves to do and what they allow the other women to do. — I don’t condone it, but I respect it.)

Again, I am not naïve, but I’m always paying attention. If I keep noticing a man doing certain things in front of me, I’m not unjustified to asking questions, “Why is she holding on to you like that?”, “Why do you keep wanting to drive her home?”, “Why do you keep finding a way to be next to her or alone with her?”, — it’s one thing if the woman is an equally mutual friend and I am with you as you are making these gestures and you are not blocking me out, but it’s another thing if the answers I’m getting are brushing me off or gaslighting me. That’s not going to ease my mind about the subject and my attitude towards you can become worse. On top of that, if I hear about you telling people that’s there is nothing between us or saying you aren’t interested in me at all, it will just trigger the, “Go on and do what you want” response from me and put me on alert with anything you say and do moving forward and eventually I’ll detach if I keep feeling slighted and I won’t be asking anymore questions from here on out. — My feelings are involved too, not just yours. The moment you start revealing a part of yourself that is not cohesive with what you say to me then in that same moment you begin to lose me. It may take me a while to walk away, but once I do I’m just going to keep getting better because someone not treating me right is a character flaw of theirs, not mine and the award they receive is that they’ll never be able to get me like they used to. I’m not one of those women who needs closure…it is what it is.

On a last note: I love it when people pay attention to who I am…

Person 1: I think Raya is fooling with someone.

Person 2: Nah, I know how she is and she’s not. (This right here is my Person 🙂)


Misleading

When you know someone is intrigued by you but, you are not as intrigued with them or not in a space where you can give them the better of you, it’d be in your best interest not to mislead them…like sending them suggestive messages, using terms of endearment, or even being affectionate can encourage people to develop a false sense of certainty. Emotions are unpredictable and can cause people to do things they normally wouldn't do. You can’t control what others think or feel, but you can control what you do and say with other people.

Top: JLuxLabel | Skirt: H&M

Let me give you a scenario (real life): There is a young man I met recently and when I say “young man” I really mean, young man….like I'm at least 10 years older than him. How we met, I was out by myself, per usual, and he sat next to me and began a conversation. I gave him my number just as a friendly gesture and didn't think anything more of it. The next day he sent me a text, very casual: “Hey love, how are you today?” I responded in similar tone. Through a few conversations, I got to learn a bit about him. He is very career oriented, in fact he does very well and is much further in life mentally and financially than many others his age. He’s not into the partying life or even going out frequently (I do admire that). He doesn't have any children and never been married. He’s also very close to his family (I love that too). I’m really impressed with all this considering his age and his looks. — Yes ladies, he's a very handsome young man, nice smile, good teeth, healthy skin, tattooed, well groomed, and he routinely goes to the gym, so yeah, I’d say he's a great catch for any women…correction, any focused woman between the ages of 23 to maybe 27. But for whatever reason, he's trying to play ball on my court. Hopefully, he’ll grow weary of me soon and set his sights on another woman. The one big difference I notice with the younger men is that THEY ARE NOT AFRAID TO TELL YOU THEY WANT YOU. I guess the misplaced “man-pride” that comes with age hasn’t grown on them yet.

I won’t lie, it’s very flattering getting this attention especially since no man in my preferred age group is asking me how my day is 😒 (they all must have gotten themselves in serious relationships now), but here's why I won’t take it too far with this young man:

Even though he is determined and puts forth effort to accomplish his goals, he is still at a different place in life than me (realistically, you can be at different places in life with someone your own age too) and in some of our conversations it’s very apparent that we are from different generations, the terms he uses (he once texted “ofc” — Fam, tell me why I had to Google it to find out it is a shorted way to say “of course”, WTF?!) , the things he talks about, stuff that he's interested in (his ears don’t have a broad range for music), etc. There was something that irritated me a little about him; he kept saying I was high maintenance because I mentioned my preferences with certain things. — I am maintaining myself and what I like is what I like. There is nothing wrong with catering your life to your preference. I think he is mis-defining high maintenance with what others his age are considering overzealous or too much.

I’m not one of those people whose in denial of how old I am or trying to keep up with the younger lifestyles and I’m not trying to impress them. And this may not make sense to a lot of people, but I lived a lot very early in life. Now, I have a lot of things keeping me busy and I’m constantly on the go; I don’t have much time to offer and the time I do have I want to do what I like. This young man also wants children and if any of you have been longtime readers then you know that more kids is a No for me. I really do love the considerate messages and compliments he continues to give me, but I cannot do or say anything that may be misinterpreted into letting him think there could be something serious, I won’t even tease him with anything casual either. With all this in mind, I don’t want to block any of his blessings and take up his valuable time when he could be spending it with someone who is willing to give him what he wants. So I’ve kept all our communication very simple and friendly.

*I almost caved one evening when I met him for drinks. He was sitting very close to me, we were have a great time and I was laughing about something he said and in that same moment he grasps my neck, pulls me closer, and gently kisses right below my jawline 😳. It was that subtle dominance that I like, but I pulled away and stayed coy. He didn't try anything more after that and we continued to have good conversations the rest of the evening. I knew even more then that I had to be very careful with him. But since he is becoming my friend and I’m learning more about him, I find myself starting to be protective of him — he is a good man and very much deserving of a woman who won’t play games with him — including me. Ladies, with these young men, we can’t let the GOOD ones get broken. — Like some of the men my age and older 😒.

We have to be aware of what we are doing to people even if we “think” it’s innocent, they may not see it the same way, but it's hard if you are naturally personable, charismatic and welcoming to people. Sometimes we have to stop and see ourselves from the outside because unbeknownst to us, we can mislead people without realizing it.

And a personal note: If I am in a casual relationship with someone or sleeping with someone, no matter how our situation is defined… don’t give another woman extra attention in front of me, don’t allow her to hang on to you, don’t hang on to her, don’t make it look like you're involved with her and treat me like an afterthought because at that point I’m going to wonder which one of us you’re misleading. Do your nonsense on your own time and space; respect my presence when we’re in the same environment. Or…if we are not involved in any intimate way and you are interested in me, but you're showing another woman more attention because you don’t want to seem too interested in me then….Go do what you want Fam. I’m good.


New Feelings

I’m at a really good place in life….let me clarify, I always have good and great moments throughout my life, but right now feels a little different. I’m on my own schedule, keeping up with productive routines, doing better with catching up with friends, and surprisingly finding myself enjoying things I did not think I would. Some of my friends are assuming I am in a new relationship or wrapped up in some man that is taking good care of me 🙄. One of my guy friends made a snarky comment when I cancelled lunch plans with him, “Ok, tell your boyfriend I said Hi.'“ 😑 In reality, I wanted to focus on an essay I needed to write for admissions to an EdD program. I don’t understand why people assume women are snuggling up with a man when she is happy, has good energy, and declines plans.

Trust me, if I was involved with someone, there wouldn’t be any secrets. I’m not going to lie if I’m asked and say there isn’t anyone if there is. I’d say so if I’m seeing someone (even if it’s casual, that is still a form of relationship). I may not say who, but I'll at the very least say there is someone and until then, I’m just seeing about myself 😏. If you see me out having a good time with a guy, don’t assume anything, maybe I’m catching up with a friend or maybe I just made a new friend and living in the moment before I head home….by myself. Like I mentioned in Kitty Care, the chosen one will be very pleased that I am taking care of myself.

The love in my life is abundant, but the romance in my life does not exist. Unfortunately, I feel like some men are void of romance. I am very Austen and Fitzgerald when it comes to loving and being in love (*they are famous novelists). With so many people wanting things to be fast, simple, and easy it’s like if it doesn’t look good or feel good then it’s not worth it to them. You should want someone who has affections for you at your best and still cares for your at your worst and you won’t find that out in the first few months you meet someone or starting to get closer to someone.

What comes fast also goes fast. If it’s simple, you won’t be challenged. And nothing that is worth it is easy.

Feelings can develop from anywhere with anyone at anytime — that’s the allure and flaw in relationships (any form or level of relationship). What is today, may not be tomorrow. But again, I do not have those issues in my life currently. My feelings are for me and someone would have to be overly amazing and pleasantly surprise me before I consider changing my mind. To give a few hints, refer back to Mr. Perfect and The Makings of a Perfect Lover.


The Makings of a Perfect Lover

I use the term Lover a bit loosely without giving you my definition behind it. Some of my friends laugh at me because they believe it is an old English term, but I think it’s useful and has its purposes. A Lover is the blurry area between a friend, boyfriend and husband. And no one is asked to be a Lover, you kind of just fall into the the title.

Bare with me, this can get confusing….

Let’s start with the basics. Everything begins a friendship and what’s a friendship? — A companion you have some things in common with and enjoy sharing time and having conversations with. And even within friendships, there is an element of loyalty and commitment, wouldn’t you say? With a boyfriend or husband there is an automatic defined commitment, yes? With a Lover, it’s not as clear cut. At this point you may be thinking of a more modern term such as being in a “Situationship” with someone…no, a Lover does have some firm definition within its own ambiguity.

A Lover is a friend, but a Lover is not a boyfriend. A Lover keeps the foundation of loyalty in the sense of he is still considering your thoughts and feelings to a certain point. A Lover may or may not show up for special occasions or troubled occasions, but if he is a true friend, he will if he is able to or he will at least give you a call/text to see how your are. For those around you, your relationship with your Lover may look like different things to them — that you two are great friends, that you two are completely fond of each other, or both. And no, a Lover has no obligation to you like a boyfriend, but he still has a soft spot for you and cares for you deeply.

Let me give you a scenario.

If I am in a crowed room with my Lover, we did not arrive together, he does not have to fawn over me, but he does give me slightly more attention than anyone else in the room as if he were an admirer. He may converse with other people, but he keeps a close eye on me. And he doesn’t do anything suggestive with other women in front of me that might get me upset or sway me to distance myself from him. We also don’t have to leave together, I may leave before him, he may leave before me, but he does ensure I get to my vehicle or that I get home safely. And if I do exit before him and he stays behind, his thoughts of me still remain intact in a way that he may now give more attention to other women, but they are still not getting the same treatment as I do. You see where this is starting to get confusing?

Ultimately, a man makes himself a Lover. A Lover will have to make his own judgment calls when I am around and when I am not around. Is he looking for a new woman to share in his affections or is he still infatuated with me? He may not share with people the details of our arrangement, but he also doesn’t downplay it for others, for example, everyone knows there is something between us, but no one knows exactly what. And if we are at odds, will it skew his actions with other women? Will he call someone else to give him special company? And will he still value the foundation of our friendship?

Perfection is a fantasy word and the unfortunate part about a Lover is that he may NOT be a Lover to you tomorrow because there is not commitment of longevity, but that’s where you have to separate the emotions and have mature conversations about what is changing between the two of you.


One night stand

Reader Question: “Raya, what do you think about one night stands? Have you ever had one?

I chuckle as I’m trying to think of how to say this…

The last one night stand I had ended up being a 5-6 year thing. 😅 I really did not think I would ever see that man again, he was only in town for one more night when I met him and I went against all my “safe” decisions that whole evening….so yeah, I’m not the best person to speak on this topic.

For me, the one night stand thrill isn't my thing. Never was. But again, that one night I did everything out of the norm and ended making a long term acquaintance. — Won’t be doing that again.

Here's some stories from you about your one Night encounters….

The one story I cannot get over is the woman who said she ran into her one night stand the next day when he came to her place of business with his WIFE AND KIDS! 😲 — See, this is why I can't do things like that, a little mystery is good, but if you're the type of man to do things like that, just let the woman know so she can make her own decision. We're all grown, what's the worst that could happen if you tell the truth??? That she says no? 😒 I know for a fact there's plenty women who will still say yes, no matter what situation you're in. I'm not one of those women though, be safe out there kids. I may not want to be anyone’s wife right now and I may joke about indecent things or give grace towards my friends who do indecent things, but I am still of wife-caliber. Get it?

Read more at MEMBERS ONLY.


Two Sides to a Coin

Two thoughts…..

  1. People notice what they’ve done, but do not acknowledge when others do the same.

  2. People notice what others do, but do not acknowledge when they do the same.

The first one I think can be regarded when people do something in consideration for others like sending thoughtful messages or doing things that makes someone else’s life a little more pleasing. In a domestic sense, we can even say doing household chores without being asked is something we notice when we do it, but do not very much acknowledge it when others do it. The second one could be regarded when people do things we don’t like, but we do not acknowledge it when we do things others do not like. For instance when we notice people being argumentative, but when we are doing the same we justify it as “trying to make a point”. It’s easier for us to point out what we do not like about others, but fail to notice our own flaws. I know we are all guilty of this.

None of us ever likes to admit our faults, but if we are expecting others to admit theirs shouldn’t we lead by example? Yet, then again this goes back to thought #1. It’s a human cycle of underlying selfishness that we don’t like to think about, but the reality is, we subconsciously want people to make us comfortable without always considering how to make others comfortable because that would mean making ourselves uncomfortable — and not everyone is willing to do that.

Just think on it, your relationships with others, how many of them were you willing to adjust your comfort levels for? Why? And did or do those people adjust their comfort levels for you or have you even noticed?

I have a bad habit of saying everything is fine when it’s not and I know I’m not the only one who does this. — This is me not wanting to ask people to make themselves uncomfortable in order to make me comfortable. When someone tells me, “Let me prove it to you” in an attempt to convince me of a changed mindset or behavior, I tend to automatically respond, “No, it’s fine.” or “You don’t have to do that.”, when really, YES, I want you to prove it to me. YES, I want to see a change. I am more forgiving when I see a difference in someone that shows they are aware of what went awry and have decided to implement nuanced manners. Although, I also notice when people make no attempts of change. Ultimately, we just want to be happy without having to do too much and when we do too much we can become unhappy because we feel others aren't doing the same or don’t notice all of what we are doing.

On another note, I graduated…again. It’s always a great feeling when you reach a new goal and new level in life and an even greater feeling when people show their love and support for you.

Thank you to all those who reached out to me in celebration. You have no idea what that means to me and how grateful I am. The majority of you don't even know me personally, but have found camaraderie with me through all these many words that sometimes make sense and invoke intrinsic thoughts and other times just…is. — That's what I love about this.


*This is a fallacy. Men don’t do this anymore. They expect you to come find them. They have unlearned all the great things of chivalry and dominance and have learned to behave more like women. I thought men were supposed to be the strong confident ones who pursue a woman. But I guess there are so many women who make easy for men to do so little that they don’t feel they should make much of an effort. -- That’s not a man for me.

Hey Raya

In the early years of this site, people would ask me questions and I’d give my input. A few of you have done this recently and I don’t want to fall back into those types of publications again, but I will share some from time to time. Here is one from a long time reader.

Hey Raya,

I'm in a little dilemma. A few posts ago you talked about giving people chances. I was messing with someone last year and I'm not sure how or why we stopped. I always felt confused with him. Some days it seemed like he was in love with me and other days he made me feel like I didn't matter to him, so we just stopped talking all together. I was hurt. I thought things would be great with us but I could never figure out what he wanted and there were always other girls around him. You talk about a woman should know her value but it made me feel like he wanted to talk to them more than me. He recently hit me up last week. We started texting back and forth. I miss him but I don't like how he left things with me. People can change right? It's been a year but I don't want to go through the same thing. Any suggestions?

Dear Reader,

I have a similar experience. I knew a man for several years, for the most part we enjoyed our time together, but we also didn't see each other a lot during the beginning of our friendship so we made the most of it when we were in each other's company. Although, even during that time there were periods I felt like he didn't want to be bothered with me at all. We had a few blips, but we managed through it. Some time later, our dynamic changed and we had more opportunity to see each other often. The first few months were great, but then it seemed like he was back peddling his feelings and contradicting his words. It didn't make me feel great and I began to noticed things that made me question who he really is, but I remained loyal to him, it's one of the hallmarks of my personality -- staying good to people even with uncertainty. Then there was something major that happened to me and I didn't hear from him. I got through my hurdle and I got over the hurt from his absence and decided not to hold it against him. When your heart gets stitches and scars, you determine how it affects you and others. I still reach out to him every so often, there's been blips with that too, but like you, I don't want to go through the same confusion so at best I keep it simple. A mutual acquaintance of ours said to me that I’m not that guy’s type and when I was given some examples, I started to really think about it and realized that person seemed to be right.

I say if you are going to meet your guy, have caution. Ask him the hard questions about what happened between you two last time. Sometimes the hardest conversations are the one we need to have with people. Be honest with how you felt then and how you feel now. Also, really identify what exactly you miss about him and don't romanticize the good parts so much that it overshadows the bad parts. The bad parts are important too. Acknowledge any faults you had because you can't point fingers without some pointing back at you too. Yes, people do change with time. And remember, a relationship doesn’t define you, at the very least it is supposed to be a benefit to your life and make you feel hopeful, encouraged, supported, and appreciated.

In all actually, you really can do whatever you want with the man, it's not anyone else's choice to make. It's up to the two of you. If you both want to start something again, great, but make all your intentions clear so neither of you are blindsided and have routine conversations about it especially if anything changes.


Appearing Acts

Ever have someone just pop up in your life unexpectedly. Someone new or maybe someone you've already met before who you haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time? But either way, they just appear and make you rethink so many things. - Things you never considered before, things you've avoided, or things that no one else has made you think about. Who was it, where is this person now, and what's his name? 😆🤣

I'm referring to the person as a man because it's usually someone of the male persona that gets us women outside of ourselves. Sometimes for good change and sometimes…well, just for change. Get it?

If you recall a recent post ‘Men Are Demons’ then you were introduced to my distain of when men just pop up and halt your whole world and then when you make adjustments for them, they turn around and act like they never asked you to do any of it. — No Sir, you did not ask me, but as a person who wanted to make you feel comfortable in my life and around me, I made changes to accommodate you. Here’s the thing, anytime there is someone in your life who you spend any time with, you are actively making changes because you are making space for them in your life, whether it is a temporary space or long term space, there are still actions you take to welcome them. And they should be doing the same for you especially if you both want to continue to be significant in each other’s lives. *There are people who need many special names in their phone; I only need 1 that keeps me company from time to time. For instance a man inviting a different woman out rather than inviting the same woman. What would be more foolish of the man is when the women know each other. At that point you’re dealing with someone that doesn’t have direction or still wants to live in his youth and hides behind the thought of “just being nice”.

Men Are Stupid

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Men Are Stupid -

Women don’t have a problem submitting. You’re just not the one she wants to submit to.

I don’t always like surprises, but I like to be surprised, does that make sense? For instance when someone exceeds my expectations or does something I did not think that were capable of doing, or goes against what he would normally do just to see me smile. Like when I am having a bad day and there’s flowers at my door when I get home with a sweet note, or better yet, he’s shows up with dinner in hand. Or if I am out at happy hour and I feel a random hug embrace me or when he reaches out for my hand to help me out of a car, in a car, out of a chair, walking into a room…whatever. To be honest, lately my expectations for men are very low. I’ve seen so many versions of them that it’s hard to believe who they really are. They may behave one way with you, but then you see them shift with other people. And when you ask about it, they feel you are being invasive. — I’ve been told that when a man is fully for you, he won’t have you questioning your place in his mind or heart.

I think in all my years of witnessing men in different scenarios, there is no making sense in what they do or say, they just…exist. And sometimes they think they are doing something admirable, but in reality, it’s inconsiderate. You just have to figure out how their existence benefits your life when they casually stroll in to it. A man is an option, not a definition for a woman and once you realize that, you also realize your worth. There is always a lesson in everything, people can change you, You decide how that change develops.


Be Good

A friend shared this on her LinkedIn feed. — Read it, digest it, and think for a moment.

The man, Adam Grant, who shared it on his own feed received a lot of mixed feedback. Comments advocating that sometimes people have good reason for not being kind to certain people in order to protect themselves, while others argue that no matter how/who the person is, you should still remain a good for your own inner peace…I am one of those people. (Below is my input with another friend’s response to me.)

There is a saying that goes, “Hurt people hurt people.” — There is a lot of truth in that saying. Ever notice when someone is mad, they say things out of anger and sometimes it’s not the nicest things? Or when you are still affected by what someone did to you there is still a sense discouragement towards them. There is a point where you just have to let that go. When you have bad feelings, it constrains you and turns you into someone you don’t favor. It may not seem like it, but there is a element of sadness in your thoughts, your words, and your actions when your are not kind to someone.

The same friend also shared another thought and I feel like the sentiments are related…

Here is her caption:

“This is true for both women and men. If you don't think what you say and do affects people, you are wrong. How you treat someone has an impact on them.

With relationships this is very accurate. You and your partner share a personal mental space and within that mental space is where your words and actions can make your partner feel great, loved, and appreciated or avoided, neglected and alone.”

Going back to the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” Let’s think about this, a hurt person will either lash out or go silent and in return it hurts the other person involved. — A vicious cycle of unspoken emotions and truths. And sometimes you have to decide that if someone keeps acting like they want to lose you or that your presence is not important to them, then maybe they just need to lose you.

 
 

Don't Give Everyone Access: PT 2

First, A Reader Question: “Would you swap your current age to be in your 20s again?”

Me: Absolutely not. My 20s were great. It holds many reasons why I make the decisions I make today. Not everything in my 20s was all rainbows and sunshine, it was the dark days that remind me how I got through some tough battles. Even with my trials now, I have to keep telling myself,

What was yesterday is yesterday. You can carry it into today, but remember, what you keep carrying from each day puts more weight on you. We have to learn to process and talk about pain to let it go.


On to the topic….

This post from July 2020 for some reason keeps getting searched and it has the most views out of all my posts and I am not sure why? I’ve not written anything Noble Prize worthy, just an idea that not everyone should have all privileges to you, whether it be friend, family, or partner.

It is also a bit of a coincidence that this post is most popular because it fits my current mindset even more than previously. There are elements around me that I’m unsure of and I am taking my time to observe it all to decided what is right for me right now. You see the thing is, what you decide today may not be what you decide tomorrow. Everyday the mind changes, the heart changes, our needs change and we decide on what is best for us even it just in the moment. I may decide to give someone access to me this week and next week, I want to be left alone. — No, it may not be fair to the other person, in which case I still have to be aware of the decisions I make and how it may affect others.

Full post below.


Let’s talk a moment.

Let’s agree that not everyone is deserving to be around you. That doesn’t mean shutting people out completely, but rather being aware that there are people who are not for you and just want to take from you…

  • Your energy

  • Your confidence

  • Your hard work

  • Your finances

  • Your rewards

  • YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We all have an intuition and all of our intuitions tell us when someone is not right for us. Many of us do ignore this because we want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us.

Although, we have to accept that sometimes it takes people longer to be the best version of them and maybe they are the best they can be at this time, but that doesn’t mean you have to fully welcome them in your life. People can go through metamorphosis at any age, sometimes more than once. Love and care at a distance. You can still have a good heart and not fall victim to someone else’s demons.

  • Years ago a friend and I fell out for reasons that are no longer important, we were at different places in our lives. Later on, he ended up getting very sick and a mutual friend called me to let me know what was going on. I hopped on the first flight out to see about my sick friend. We didn’t talk about why we stopped speaking to each other, we just carried on and caught up on the missed time and learned about the growth we both went through.

    • We needed to deny access to one another in order create different paths for ourselves and we became better friends after it because we became more willing to listen and understand each other better…and our fall out wasn’t a “be all, end all” we still had an abundance of love for each other. This doesn’t mean all relationships that dissolve will come back together, it just means that sometimes the difference between two people is the distance that needs to be had and what becomes of it afterwards depends on the pivotal points in your life.

I’ve said this many of times before, I want my peace more than I want attention. — I’m so comfortable with myself that I refuse to allow someone to destroy what I’ve created. Or exhaust my warmth to someone who won’t reciprocate my affections.

Many of us get into relationships (platonic or romantic) and make compromises which is expected, but when those compromises start to turn you into someone you don’t recognize, then there is a problem. LOVE is not folding every time just to make a person feel more comfortable, stable, or secure. LOVE is understanding each other’s weakness and helping to make them stronger. If your weakness is an element of insecurity and your partner doesn’t help you overcome that, then you are either misunderstanding who your partner/friend is OR this person is not the partner/friend for you. Yes, sometimes you also have to deny yourself access to people.

Not everyone is capable to travel with you in life. You are not blocking blessings by keeping people out, you are protecting yourself from being drained by someone or people you are unsure of. YES, let them prove they can stand by you and with you. Some people are there temporarily, some are there for the lesson. Then there are some people who need more time to reach you, give them that time, but keep your focus forward. YOU are the decider of your well being. And yes, it’s hard to separate yourself if you are a giver, but you have to grip on to what keeps you at peace. You cannot give if you are depleted. I am meticulous with how much energy I give and to whom I give it to and I change the levels when necessary.

You can interact with many people and still not allow all of them access to the whole you.

  • I have at lease 5 different groups of friends, some from my past, some I met in passing, some I frequently see or interact with; all of them know a different part of me, some of them know a different version of me, but only a select few know all of me. — I made it that way.

I love and enjoy ALL of my friends and family, I appreciate that we are not the same. Each of them ignite different pieces of me, but I know all of them cannot, will not, or are not equipped to take the same road as me. It’s no one’s fault. It also wouldn’t be right of me to take (possibly carry) someone on a journey they are not ready for. Therefore, access to me remains selective and limited. I trust what I know about each person in my liferead that again.

Everyone doesn’t deserve access to you.


 
 

The Men We Choose

Friendly reminder that this site is for entertainment purposes only. It’s to invoke intrinsic thought and hopefully encourage people to look at different perspectives.

This post has been in my draft folder since last year (I have a few I still have yet to go through), I cannot remember why I started writing it or what I was going through at the time, but the topic has become relevant again….

Set from JLuxLabel (P.S.. - This is what I mean when I say I’m about to make everyone uncomfortable...him, her, every body.)

Okay ladies, let’s lay it all out. Some of our men problems are because of the types of men we choose or are attracted to. A man is going to act and behave in a way that benefits him, even if it hurts or affects other people. Any of you remember the Donnell Jones song, Where I Want To Be? It’s about a man exploring other potential before deciding/realizing the woman for him was the woman who has always been there from him even when he wasn’t available. Love is a battle field to say the least. There were definitely casualties of war while I was with my children’s father and when I was with the athlete…it was ugly. But looking back, I wanted them for different reasons, silly reasons, superficial reasons, unrealistic reasons. I guess at some point we have to be cognizant of how we are choosing our partners. Yes, the men chase us, but we chose if it is them or not and sometimes it’s…not.

No one is perfect and we make mistakes. Mistakes are the stepping stones in life; What? You think you walk on water and have never done anything wrong to anyone? I have no problem defending someone’s mistakes if I feel they genuinely want to be a better person. Hell, I defended my ex’s mistakes for years until I finally woke up and realized he wasn’t changing…sometimes being the ride or die type of woman will damage you mentally before it effects you physically. There is nothing wrong with standing by a man, just make sure he’s standing by you too.

I guess I believe in more than just second chances. My problem may be that I am too flexible with men. I’m not sure why. — Maybe it is because I was raised by my father (only) and witnessed how much pressure men take on. Internally, men are not any stronger than us, but they are expected to be…maybe that’s why I give them a little more time and grace. So is it that we choose the wrong men or is it that we are more agreeable and understanding than they are? Or are there such things as “the wrong man”?

I guess if we take away the romantic aspect, we are left with who the man is entirely. Just like if a man were to not look at us with any sexual interest, who are we as a woman? In our raw core, are we good people? Are we good to people OR are we good to those who are only good to us? Are we quid pro quo or are we only like that to those we sleep or slept with? So maybe the topic should be not just the men we choose, but also the women that men choose. Why do men choose us? We are emotional, jealous, irrational, overbearing, talk too much, overthink nonstop and…..yeah, I’ll say it…crazy. — Hey fellas, WE can call each other crazy, but you can’t call us crazy, got it🤨? Which leads me to decide that I don’t honestly feel I can ask a man to agree to a special arrangement (see last post for reference: Self-Care, Peace and The V Care). I’m sorry, I cannot bring myself to do it. It’s like being a place card for each other but neither of us are each other’s plus-ones. I may just need to think more on it.

My friend told me if I blink the wrong way this top will show everything. Lol. This is one of those outfits you wear for girls’ night or for someone special.

If I am going to hang out with a guy friend, that’s it, we’ll just be hanging out. I can’t be casual with my intimacy, — I’m either all about you (us) or I’m only about me. If I’m the one making more compromises, that’s not right, don’t have me folding when you don’t even have a good hand (poker reference). I’m a catering person, I like making sure the people around me are taken care of, so if I am sleeping with someone, I not only want to cater to him but I also want assurance that the sentiments are mutual…I don’t want to see you hugging on someone if I was just wrapped around you the other night, because then how am I to know if you’re getting involved with someone else if your eating up the attention right in front of me? — I don’t entertain involved men. There are still such things as STDs😒.

Nah, I’m not choosing any man right now. If he’s confident and strong enough, he’ll need to chose me and present me with something I’m willing to accept, otherwise I can only offer funny conversations and very…. 👀 intriguing outfits😁. I dare a man to approach me with a special arrangement and don’t come with me with any bs. I guess it may have something to do with my inner need for someone to lead and take control. I make so many decisions throughout the day that it would be great for a man to lay out what we are going to do and not make me feel like I’m requiring too much or make me feel insignificant to his life. And with all my current guy friends, I don’t want to change anything with them, they are great the way things are. So I’m not choosing any damn man, he’s going to have to chose me and we are going to go through ALL of each other’s growing pains together. 🥴


Mind of a Boy

So this topic spawned from “Then What Good Is He?” post where some of you ladies shared your thoughts and experiences with men who seem to be fickle. One of you said, “Men who are unsure have the mind of a child and you will notice younger women around them because most younger women are still developing their futures.” I thought this was a very profound statement and want to go into it more. My friend groups range from 30s and up. I see my guy friends entertain women in their 20s here and there, but it never really works out and many of you can take a guess why. Also, I want to point out, we see older wealthy men or celebrity men date much younger women, but we have to understand their lives are not like ours so we cannot compare those groups together. We are talking about the everyday men, whatever their profession or tax bracket.

Yes, younger women seem to be more sexualized, we can attribute that to social media and reality television. Attention is visual and the mindset of many young women is to be seen and gawked at, so I fully understand why men like to look at them. I have a friend who is near 50 and he once told me, “ Young girls are good for the moment, not long term, they are fun, but unless I’m a man with no direction, I’m not taking a 24 year old seriously.” *I want to add this is NOT a dig at women in their 20’s, our generations were just exposed to different levels of sexuality. My core adolescents did not include any form of Kardashian, but the artists in my generation were Lil’ Kim, Trina, Madonna and Janet Jackson, so my age group isn’t fully off the hook either, but we also had some good family shows like Saved by The Bell, Family Matters, Full House, The Cosby Show, etc. Let’s not forget that Marylin Monroe was sexualized too.

I loved and hated my 20’s, I had my kids young, finished my bachelor’s late, and went through a lot of stress with my ex, but when I think of it, if I waited to have children, I may not have had any today, and I may have not met the people I met or even made the moves I made. So certain poor decisions I made when I was younger helped me develop my goals. Everything that occurred in my 20’s was meant to happen so I can have the life I have today. And when I see an older man with a younger woman, I tend to wonder if this is one of her bad decisions that she is going to learn from or is this a poor decisions on the man’s behalf that’s impeding this young woman to have the 20’s experience she needs. I really believe that your 20’s is when you make all the mistakes, your 30’s is learning/recovering from those mistakes, your 40’s are where you continue to build, and your 50/60’s is when you start take it all in.

So one perspective is if a man finds interest in a much younger woman, is he in denial of his own age or avoiding something else? Another reader said, “A single man above 45 has serious baggage, commitment issues, and other demons.” - I’m not sure if I want to cosign on that, but I do wonder why a man of a certain age is still single. Although, there are men who are lifelong bachelors, but doesn’t he want partnership or doesn’t he get tired of skipping from one woman to the next only to go through the same cycle time and time again? — I guess there are women who do the same. Do you remember Cher once said, “Men are a luxury, not a necessity.” I cannot see myself going from one man to the next, my personal values doesn’t allow that, but I can understand why some women may choose that lifestyle.

Why do we call out men who don’t want to commit? Why are they so fickle and undecided? Are they really just boys trapped in men’s bodies? Because what do boys do? They like to play games and hang out with their friends, they enjoy instant gratification, the look at pretty girls, they cannot articulate their emotions, they don’t like to be challenged by women aside from their mom…hmmmm…maybe the reader who made the first statement is on to something?


People swear they won’t do something then turn around and do it worse.

Three different groups of people I talk to are my family, those I work with, and friends I don’t see often, so I am for certain my name cannot be brought up in anyone’s busines, but my own.

Thanks to one of the readers who sent this to me.

He should challenge you and be open to you challenging him.

Soul Mates, Real or BS?

Let me be honest, I don't believe in soul mates when it comes to romantic relationships. I'm not a love hater, I believe being in love is one of the best feelings, but I also believe you have several soul mates in life. You see, I believe that our souls live on in other lives and connect with other souls they knew from previous lives. That's what I think soul mates are.

You ever notice we bond with our friends differently then how we bond with our intimate partners? When guys get together they can go over the top for one another for support, celebration or whatever, same when it's a group of women. But when it comes to our partners, we tend to be a little more conservative. Why is that? The heart is a funny organ but really it's not where the love develops, it's in your nervous system, your feelings, your experiences, your memories. The heart takes on stress and pain when we get hurt and it makes us feel like we are floating when we love someone. I value my friendships because these are people I chose to interact with and be in my life. With relationships, it gets a little clouded.

At this point in my life I'm making such little effort in being in a relationship that if a man just came to me and said, "You're going to be my girlfriend now." I may just go with it 🥴. As far as courtship and romance, I do think that you can find "your person" in someone you can lean on for comfort, safety, and support. It may last, it may not but in the good moments keep you hopeful, yes? To be honest I really don’t know what I want. Clarity? Reassurance? Stability? A man who isn’t afraid to tell me he wants to see me and take risks with me. Disappointment is inevitable, but it’s the level of disappointment and how much you are willing to tolerate is the struggle. And I know I get so wrapped up in my own pride that I don’t always tell someone how I feel. I think everyone wants to be loved and feel loved, but not everyone knows how to reciprocate it.

It is said that soul mates always find each other. Well, if my definition of soul mates is accurate, then I more believe that some feelings never go away and it doesn’t take much to come together again.