My Phone Code

September 6, 2022

NEW: Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

One of my guilty pleasure is that I like to scroll through my social media accounts for mindless entertainment. Much of it is silly pet videos but others things that make my laugh are the women posting advice, tips, and horror stories about dating and men.

Ladies, if you have not picked up on this yet….MEN ARE STUPID. Not stupid in the sense they cannot do math or tie their shoes, but stupid in the sense they don’t always know how to talk to us or handle us. It’s like when a man gets around a woman all his common sense escapes his body. Although to be fair, women are a mixed bag, but that does not excuse the foolish ways men act around women. Even seeing a half naked woman makes them a little brain dead.

Anyway, more about my guilty pleasure. There’s this trending argument about whether or not to look through a man’s phone. My personal thought is, DON’T DO IT. Unless you are law enforcement or an emergency responder trying to get the last contact number for a victim, you should not be looking through anyone’s phone but your own.

Some women argue, “Well, how do I know if he’s lying to me or not?” - B*TCH, YOU KNOW IF A MAN IS LYING TO YOU WITHOUT NEEDING TO GO THROUGH HIS PHONE. If you don’t want to trust your own instincts, then go ahead and keep making yourself crazy. But let's look at this at 2 different angles…

If he's not doing anything, you're going to damage the relationship by lacking trust and confidence in him. Plus, if he has a female friend like me, you're going to think my text messages have some ulterior motives because I can use very loving words towards my friends such as, “My dear”, “My love”, “All my love to you”, “Thank you for being a gentleman”, “Thank you for thinking of me”, etc. If a woman were to see that, she's going to think something is going on. But what she won't see is how I still keep my distance with my friends who are married and in relationships; I won't contact them after a certain hour, nor on the weekends unless we're hanging out on the weekend, and I don't behave suggestively when I'm around them other than giving a hug and being excited to see them, I don't throw myself on them. But I can be very affectionate towards my guy friends.
If he is doing something, what exactly do you plan to do with the information you found? Are you going to leave him? Are you going to stay and always be second guessing everything he says? We know the saying ignorance is bliss. If you are happy, he's making you happy, you give each other space and still spend quality time together, people know you're together, and he's taking care of you, why ruin your own happiness? *I'm not advocating you stay with someone who breaks your heart, tears you down, makes you feel unvalued, and constantly has you questioning his feelings for you. I'm saying there is always going to be gray clouds in a relationship no matter what the issue is, but if he's doing his best to keep those clouds from blocking your sunlight or he's holding an umbrella over you when the rain comes, then love him for that. (I’m using a lot of metaphors here, I hope you're catching the underlying messages.)

I think myself as being realistic meaning men are men. They look at women, they talk to women, they flirt with women. I see it, I experience it. ALL. THE. TIME. And to be fair to the men, they blindly do it not always realizing what they're doing, granted sometimes men can take it too far, but I'll still never go through a man's phone. Because guess what, when you go looking for something you're going to find it even if it's not what you believe it is, but the fact that you'll grasp onto anything that supports your suspicion, whatever you find even if it's innocent, you're going to turn it into a mess.

For anyone I end up with, I can only hope he is the type of man who won't let anything or anyone come to my doorstep, call my phone, or approach me in any type of way and hold something over me as if I'm the one that's losing. If he's heart is with me then his actions with show it. It will be an element of pride for him to secure our relationship to know he has someone great and whoever tries to interfere won't reach their goals. They may claim a few fun moments, but they won't be able to claim him. — Am I making any sense? Are you guys understanding me? Ladies, hopefully you're not passing too many judgements against me. All I'm saying is, if you're relationship is good, let it be good. Don't let those dark suspicions have you going through his phone.

Hey Raya

April 22, 2022

In the early years of this site, people would ask me questions and I’d give my input. A few of you have done this recently and I don’t want to fall back into those types of publications again, but I will share some from time to time. Here is one from a long time reader.

Hey Raya,

I'm in a little dilemma. A few posts ago you talked about giving people chances. I was messing with someone last year and I'm not sure how or why we stopped. I always felt confused with him. Some days it seemed like he was in love with me and other days he made me feel like I didn't matter to him, so we just stopped talking all together. I was hurt. I thought things would be great with us but I could never figure out what he wanted and there were always other girls around him. You talk about a woman should know her value but it made me feel like he wanted to talk to them more than me. He recently hit me up last week. We started texting back and forth. I miss him but I don't like how he left things with me. People can change right? It's been a year but I don't want to go through the same thing. Any suggestions?

Dear Reader,

I have a similar experience. I knew a man for several years, for the most part we enjoyed our time together, but we also didn't see each other a lot during the beginning of our friendship so we made the most of it when we were in each other's company. Although, even during that time there were periods I felt like he didn't want to be bothered with me at all. We had a few blips, but we managed through it. Some time later, our dynamic changed and we had more opportunity to see each other often. The first few months were great, but then it seemed like he was back peddling his feelings and contradicting his words. It didn't make me feel great and I began to noticed things that made me question who he really is, but I remained loyal to him, it's one of the hallmarks of my personality -- staying good to people even with uncertainty. Then there was something major that happened to me and I didn't hear from him. I got through my hurdle and I got over the hurt from his absence and decided not to hold it against him. When your heart gets stitches and scars, you determine how it affects you and others. I still reach out to him every so often, there's been blips with that too, but like you, I don't want to go through the same confusion so at best I keep it simple. A mutual acquaintance of ours said to me that I’m not that guy’s type and when I was given some examples, I started to really think about it and realized that person seemed to be right.

I say if you are going to meet your guy, have caution. Ask him the hard questions about what happened between you two last time. Sometimes the hardest conversations are the one we need to have with people. Be honest with how you felt then and how you feel now. Also, really identify what exactly you miss about him and don't romanticize the good parts so much that it overshadows the bad parts. The bad parts are important too. Acknowledge any faults you had because you can't point fingers without some pointing back at you too. Yes, people do change with time. And remember, a relationship doesn’t define you, at the very least it is supposed to be a benefit to your life and make you feel hopeful, encouraged, supported, and appreciated.

In all actually, you really can do whatever you want with the man, it's not anyone else's choice to make. It's up to the two of you. If you both want to start something again, great, but make all your intentions clear so neither of you are blindsided and have routine conversations about it especially if anything changes.

Depression

October 26, 2020

As more years go by, I am realizing how important mental health is. For some reason it is still a taboo topic and many people avoid addressing it or make it seem like mental health issues doesn’t exist. From personal experience…THEY DO EXSIST.

About 3/4 years ago I fell into a funk. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to see people or go out, and it was a struggle for me to get out of bed, but here was the thing…nothing was going wrong in my life. Work was great, family was great, friends were great, everything was GREAT. So what was wrong with me?!

For a long time, I was one of those people who didn’t believe in depression. I once believed that it was just an excuse people used to lay around all day and ignore phone calls…I was wrong. (Although, I do think people exhaust their conditions to avoid certain responsibilities.)

Yes, there is a neurological problem that causes your moods and energy levels to shift or be low, but you can still function through it. There is a self motivation element that one needs to have to overcome these challenges. You may have people to tell you to snap out of your funk or encourage you to be happy about what you have or what you achieved, but it doesn't change anything if you don't “feel like it". YOU have to want to pull yourself out of it. After being in denial and knowing I didn't want to continue to feel like this, I had to force myself to “get better" and to redirect my mind towards a more healthy routine.

For me it is “Seasonal Depression” when the weather changes with the hours of the day and it gets darker sooner, so around the winter months. I sometimes face it in the early spring as well, but it’s more prominent between August and January. I struggle to smile, to do things I normally do like fun things with the kids or catching up with friends. I even get very short with people at work and all I want to do is stay in bed all day. I feel empty.

*Also, I should mention that when I do go through these bouts, I have to assess whether it is an imbalance or if there is something really bothering me that is affecting my mood and behavior. I can sometimes take on the feelings of others, their problems, their struggles, etc. and it dwells in my mind; things that do not directly effect me, but I still feel some sort of attachment to whatever someone I care about is going through. It’s called transference in psychology and it’s like a transfer of energy.

When I finally accepted my mental health issue, I vehemently decided NOT to take any prescription medications. I was discussing my state of mind with a colleague and she advised me on supplemental vitamins that she uses. I began to take the vitamins right away and noticed a MAJOR difference in my moods. (Consult with your doctor. Each supplement is hyperlink for further details. Brands vary.)

✔ Magnesium: Helps boost energy and fight depression

✔ ADB5 Plus: Helps adrenal functions and balancing hormones

✔ St. John's Forte: Helps with mild depression symptoms, stress, and anxiety.

Now, that it has been a few years, I don't always take all these together or even every day, however I do take them consistently when I feel like I’m sinking further and cannot seem to pull myself up on my own. I learned to pay close attention to my body and moods and sometimes I'll just take the magnesium depending on my imbalance. Other times I take nothing because I learned to divert my mind to something that keeps me proactive and productive.

I also became more active with writing down affirmations for myself.

Hey, life is a mess at times and we never know what to expect or how we’ll handle tough situations, but somehow, someway, we have to keep going.

Travel: Pandemic Edition

July 13, 2020

THIS WILL BE A LONGER READ THAN NORMAL, I SUGGEST READING SECTIONS AND COMING BACK TO READ MORE LATER.

New Orleans
Flight: MYS to PHL
Visit through Philly and Delaware
Flight: PHL to MYS - New Orleans again

It seems as the this pandemic is not going away anytime soon and with people still defying orders, it is probably safe to say that our new way of life is to continue to stay sanitized….all over. Although, we are advised to stay home and away from large gatherings, many of us still need to be out and/or travel for work or other reasons -- I am one of those people.

Recently, I took and road trip and a flight to two destinations, New Orleans and Philadelphia. Here is what I experienced along with a few tips to keep yourself safe.

Everyday Health TIP: If you read my previous discourse (HERE), then you know I routinely take ACV and Elderberry supplements. I packed these along with other vitamins. I also packed my own soaps, lotions, disposable towelettes, and hair care products.

To see my reviews on where I visited and the food I ate: See my Google Reviews or Yelp Reviews

Also, to prepare yourself with some essential travel items, see my Amazon Picks in Health & Wellness and Travel.

1. Road Travel: The ride to NOLA was not bad, I left early in the morning and got there in the mid-afternoon. I made sure to pack wipes and disinfectant spray since with both cities, I was staying in hotels. Each hotel was taking their own precautions and requiring visitors to wear masks while in the lobby and other public areas.

Hotel: Royal St. Charles
- Staff was very friendly and allowed me to check-in early.
- Rooms were clean, but as an added measure I wiped down all surfaces.
Activities – Even though there was a business aspect to my trip, can you really go to New Orleans and not partake in the culture during the day and the nightlife when the sun goes down? TIP: Wear comfortable shoes.
- For the most part about 90% of people were wearing masks. Each business also required masks as you entered, but can take them off if you were seated at the bar or a table. There were also sanitizing stations in almost every business, but I still carried my own bottle and cleaned my hands like crazy.
- Although people maintained a good distance, once the alcohol started flowing, people didn’t think too much about personal space. I was still coherent enough to not get too close to people.
  - And applause to the nice man of the (K)rimson (K)rew – insider reference — who chatted me up the whole night and made sure I was not in harms way (I think he is originally from Baton Rouge, LA.) – I always appreciate it when men are gentlemanly and chivalrous without expecting anything in return…You guys are every women’s MVP.
  - Drinking TIP: Take a pain killer or BC Powder before you start drink and before going to sleep, take an all-purpose vitamin. This will help from feeling the pain and grogginess of a hangover.
- I noticed some places required you to sign in leaving your name and number in order to keep track of people and contact them if there was any issues regarding COVID.
  - Many of the restaurants spaced out their tables and were good at wiping everything down after guests. You were also given plastic utensils to eat with and for menus, there were QR Codes to scan so that you did not have to touch a physical menu unless you requested one.
Ride to the Airport
- I planned my travel to Philadelphia from NOLA and parked in a self-serve economy parking.
- The shuttle from the parking lot to the airport was slightly different than expected: The driver did not offer to help with the bags (safety precaution maybe) and even though everyone knew to keep a distance, there wasn’t any signs or markings to skip a seat when seating yourself.

2. Air Travel: I was a little nervous with flying during the pandemic, but I really did not want to drive 20 hours from NOLA to Philadelphia.

Flight: American Airlines (MYS to PHL)
- I used my frequent flyer miles to book my flight, but even when I looked at the regular pricing it was still fairy cheap; less than $200 per person and booking at least 3 weeks prior.
  - When booking, there is a message pop-up that gives you airport regulations such as wearing face covers, not having a fever, or experiencing COVID symptoms
  - The booking was also flexible, I could cancel or reschedule my flight without any added fees if I need to. I did not have to do or pay anything extra for this option.
- It was my first time at the New Orleans Airport and even though it was small, I still had to look twice at where I needed to be.
  - Depending on where you are dropped off, third floor is ticketing services and second floor is terminals.
- Getting through check-in and airport security was the same as usual outside of having the distance markers on the ground.
  - Opt for an electronic boarding pass on your phone so you don’t have to worry about keeping track of anything extra.
    *I did bring a second form of ID with me due to my driver’s license being expired and not being able to renew because of state offices being closed and only taking appointment for other driver needs.
  - Many of the eateries were closed and the ones that were open had limited seating.
- Boarding the plane was the same standard aside from the fact that you need to keep your mask on for the entire flight. The flight was not crowded at all, in fact my row ended up being full, but there were several empty rows that I was able to relocate and get more open seating space. Again, I wiped down everything before getting settled.
  - There was no snack and beverage service. When I boarded the plane, I was handed a small paper bag with a bottled water, sanitizer, and pretzels. So if you feel you may get hungry, make an order to go at one of the open restaurants before getting on the plane.
- The Philadelphia airport is one I am all too familiar with. It’s home. Unboarding and baggage claim remains the same; no special standards or precautions, but I did have a cleaning wipe ready in my hands to grab my bag handle.
- Getting a rental car was the best and easiest option for me to get around. I went with ALAMO. And again, in the shuttle to the rental office, there was no assistance with the bags.
  - *I did not tell anyone I was coming into town to avoid any expectations of me stopping by. Those I did visit, it was a last-minute surprise. – Yes of course I wiped down the rental car as much as I could.
Hotel: Hilton Garden
- A little slow checking people in, staff was not as personable as I would have liked them to be
- Rooms were clean — but cleaner after my wipe down
Activities - I was between Pennsylvania and Delaware and just like Louisiana, all the businesses were taking precautions. Many of them only offering take out and delivery. Bars and Pubs were open, required distancing and masks upon entry.
- I did decide to find some ramen soup just the get some herbs and spices into my system.
- I also had a few Emergen - C Packs with me and made sure I took one each day.

3. Visiting my early years.

My main purpose of visiting home was to take care of some things, visit some people and see a few of my old stomping grounds. I have a lot of memories between Middletown, DE and Philadelphia, PA.

I believe it was a true blessing moving away from my childhood home and my young adulthood home. I think physically disconnecting from places (and sometimes people) I was too comfortable with gave me more of a sense of personal and professional growth. I was open to the change and embraced it and in turn, I developed life tools to see beyond a small radius. It’s a risk I would take all over again.

I love coming back home when I can. One of my first places to go is WaWa. Now if you don’t know what WaWa is — which many people don’t — think of a mini convenient store that is also a deli with good fresh food, also a cafe with amazing coffee, also a gas station and also open 24/7. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking, “But, Raya we have gas stations like that around us that are just as good.” …..Ummmmm, NO. YOU. DON’T. What makes Wawa great is the freshly prepared food when you order it, even at 2:32am. It’s not just snack foods, it’s full meals at any time of day. This place even has it’s own brand of coffee and juices!

Plus no sales tax!!! One of the places I did eat at called, Paddy Whacks on South St., had a “sanitizing fee” which was about $5.

Yet, coming home wasn’t all about visiting familiar places, but also seeing what’s new in what I knew. Remember my review of Tuscaloosa, AL? And how I mentioned it reminded me of my childhood town and how now it’s developed tremendously in the span of 20 years? Well, I love driving through the old streets and trying to reminisce what was once there before it became a health clinic or a new high school or a Walmart. Would I ever move back? No, I have no plans and I am enjoying my life in the south.

(Okay, this next part is for mature audiences only) — Ladies, there is nothing like a northeast man; whether he is from Philly, Jersey, or one of the borrows in New York, their demeanor is unmatched. Just think of DMX in his “How it’s going down” video (DMX is not my drink of choice, but in the same flight of drinks). Northeast men are aggressive, cocky and tell you what it’s going to be — won’t let you out of his life without a fight and may say something like:

“Look now, you’re my woman and I love you, so stop acting up and bring your ass over here to me.” or “I’m going to have dinner at _______. I’m going to text you the address, you should be there by 7p.” — I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes women want to be told, not asked. (Many years ago, around 2012/13ish, when I entertained the idea of dating, a man I was getting to know once sent me a text that read: “I’m cooking tonight, be at my house by 8.” I didn’t respond because my initial reaction was…Who tf does he think he’s talking to like that?!…but guess where my ass was by 8pm! It was a great home cooked meal too. This man is now married to a nice woman who was ready to love him back.) Okay, some of you may be thinking this behavior is borderline verbal abuse, it’s not. — When a man knows what he wants, desires you, and strives to do right by you, then putting a little bass in his voice when he’s telling you to stop being stubborn and let him love you isn’t harmful. I mean, I may allow a man I’m involved with to call me b*tch in the right context…but don’t get too comfortable with it because you’re not too grown to get popped.

There is a difference between being dominate and being abusive. And northeast women can be aggressive too (many of us northeasters talk hard, we mean no harm by it, it’s just our form of vernacular — we are not for the weak). Don’t get me wrong, I love the southern charm that have come my way, but if ever there is a man who has both the down south morals and chivalry mixed with the confidence and the “I run this shit” attitude….ya girl might end up married again and give that man some sons. — AND MANY OF YOU KNOW I DON’T WANT ANYMORE CHILDREN. — Eh, my soulmate is probably lost…Marco….Marco….

Funny thing, I did notice that the TSA at the Philadelphia airport were a lot more friendlier than those at the New Orleans airport.

No, there is no place like home, but I currently call several places home.

There were some people who were upset that I didn’t make time to see them (possibly forgetting that it is still COVID season and that I know too many people to see in one short visit) so they did not have the friendliest words for me, but last I checked, I’m not married to anyone and I’m not about to explain my time and my schedule to everybody — too many people from my past know a version of me that no longer exists — that’s the side effects of growth.

I’ve learned to go forward and if I go backwards, it’s not to relive, but only to remember.

4. PHL back to MYS.

I decided to stay one more night in New Orleans before heading back to my true reality. The flight back again was not crowded and I had some space to place my things on the seat next to me.

This time I used my IHG points and stayed at the Crown Plaza on Canal & Bourbon.

There were no complaints throughout my stay at this hotel except when it was time for the valet to retrieve my car. It took over 35 minutes for the staff to pull my car up and when I got in, the driver side seat was lounged back as if someone had been sitting in it for a while and got comfortable. I. WAS. NOT. PLEASED.

Also, by the time I got back to New Orleans, there were more COVID restrictions in place and even less businesses were open, so it was hit and miss with what I was able to do and see.

I still feel like Bonnie minus the Clyde whenever I pull my mask up, but it’s become our normal routine now.

Other than that, I enjoyed my trip. We can travel during the pandemic, we just have to play it safe and be particular about what we do and who we are around.