Codename: "Poppa"

“Sometimes we lose each other, but we don’t stay lost.”

In my last topic I gave a little shoutout to a special reader/listener, in this topic, I am going to focus more on this particular reader/listener. This person expressed a slight discernment of some of the things I was saying and felt I was being unfair with my content and believes I vehemently dislike them which is very far from the truth. I let the person know that I utilize my critical thinking using more social verbiage as I speak about my perception of interactions that I experienced.

I am going to refer to this person as “Poppa” which is actually the nickname I gave him very early on and Poppa is someone who I have interesting experiences with. All the experiences were not great, but not everything is always great, right? And I hate that he only sees my reflections as being all negative as opposed to being constructive and a way of learning certain antidotes on how to be with people and I don’t think he gets my humor sometimes. But I realized something the other day, we have become a bit critical of each other. Poppa, this is something I don’t think either one us is willing to admit that we created a sort of barrier and it infuses our good and bad over the years.

In the beginning, we had a sort of unspoken understanding that we are just going to the enjoy the moment and our geographical distance allowed us to stay fond of each other and during these times we gave each other a lot of praises and the element of mystery was not an issue.

We met on April 25, 2015 under unplanned and unexpected circumstances. I did not expect to hear from him again after this date.

In recent years, our geographics changed and we had more frequent face-to-face interactions. The recent years is where some of our not so great experiences came to surface and I reflect on those experiences a few times throughout the topics. I don’t think I discuss him any more or less than I discuss my relations with other people I know. And I do try to keep things open-ended and make it clear that it’s my opinion and not confirming it as the right opinion, because we all have our own ideas and perceptions on what is accurate depending on our feelings and values. Within the recent years, we had a period where we got a little closer than before. During this time, he was catering and attentive, much like how I first met him.

But here is where I think the conflict is. We are almost equal opposites in the sense that we have similar tastes in music - I always poke at him for wondering how good his ears are. We practice similar ideas of relaxing and having a good time - we welcome people and want everyone around us to enjoy themselves and Poppa, you won’t like to hear this, but people do notice one you are giving someone extra attention. Lastly, we are both established in our individual lives. With all that in mind, we are also very strong-minded in our views. I’m just going to use the word stubborn because, Yes, Poppa it can be like the pot calling the kettle black with me and you.

We always let things happen as they needed to.

We both like our space and time to decompress from people which can seem like we are being emotionally dry or distant, I don’t believe our intention is to be cold towards people, but sometimes we just need to disconnect. And the time when we were a little closer, there were moments when I wanted to connect and he didn’t and vice versa and our distant behaviors ended up being filled with other things that did not help us stay close and I know he won’t admit this, but I didn’t like it when he tried to downplay his friendship with a girl that I questioned him about a few times and a few other things he did that hurt my feelings.

Although, in my experience with him, I did learn that sometimes people phase in and out and we are an example of that. Sometimes we are very engaged, sometimes we are not. For instance there have been recent conversations with him where I think, Hmmm, that’s something new…and it really caught my attention. Like when he told me about a community service project he was part of and a few days ago he slightly mentioned he was mentoring. Poppa, I love these things! And I also appreciated when he and I bonded over a mutual friend of ours where Poppa called me to let me know what happened and a few days later we both sat together and reflected on our friend’s situation. I thought that was a sentimental moment.

“Poppa”

On this day we had no clue what was to come next.

So even though Poppa thinks I don’t like him or always attacking him, those are just small impressions to what I really think of him, it’s like 5% of his 95%. Yes, Poppa, I do get a little brash with you when you do things that harm your caliber. But, I also know that you have to process things though just like anyone else.

It is kind of like seeing someone walk across a street without looking both ways and you are just hoping the reach the other side unharmed. And I am not saying Poppa is careless person, sometimes I’m just like, “Baby, please think about this some more before you get ahead of yourself!” I also appreciate the company he has in regards to his college friends. I’ve gotten to know them over the years too and I love all that they are. And if I am being honest, my love for the friends is slightly different than the love I have for Poppa because he and I have different experiences with each other and most of the friends don’t fully know those details. And that’s another similarity we both share, we like our privacy, although his definition of privacy is a little different from mine.

So to my special reader/listener: Poppa you are great, I hate that you take my sentiments as negative jabs. Don’t assume that any of my reflections is a permanent mark of how I think of you. Because overall, I enjoy when we talk without restrictions and expectations. Now, if I start flirting with you, don’t act funny, because talking shit to you has been an issue. Enjoy your day, my love.

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Do You Cut Off All Your H*oes Right Away?

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. *Rerecorded after my voice started to come back.

Those of you who are activity dating or looking to get serious with someone, do you limit the time and communication you spend with other people? Men, if you are texting multiple women, getting to know them, hanging out with them or at the least keeping the possibility open for something to happen, do you cut down on your interest towards them when there is someone who seems to catch your attention a little more?

This is my opinion and in some case, my experience: Most single men will never tell you if they are interested in anyone let alone sleeping with anyone anyway. Why??? A lot of times when I ask a man if he is involved with someone I pay attention to what his body language says rather than the words coming out of his mouth. Because there are three possible answers: Yes, there is someone. No, this isn’t anyone. Or there is an interest but, nothing has occurred yet. Look closely at how someone shifts their eyes or body when they answer, that will give you an idea if they are being truthful or not. 🤨

Listen, if a woman is interested in a man whether or not you tell her you're sights are set on someone in particular, she's still going to have an interest in you. Well, some women. — With me, if a man says he’s involved with someone, I have no interest in anything more with him. I don't compete in that way, not for a man. That's a messy game and at least one person ends up getting hurt. I’m not going to contribute to that. So I guess if a man does find interest in me, it’s best he doesn't let me know if there's other women around him who are waiting on him or who may have something going on with him. Is this contradicting? 🤔 If I don't know about other possible women, then it won't hinder what I do or say to him, correct? But I think once I do know, it will change the dynamics of my communication with him. It’s like the saying, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you” furthermore it won’t hurt the chances of something good happening between you and someone else because you are not thinking of him entertaining anyone else. 🤔

But as someone who is single, should you only focus on one interest or should you keep your availability open to others. My attention is already spread thin, so it is not practical for me to be available to more than one person. So my answer to this is to just focus on one person. Because I think more than that can cause chaos and drama and who likes to deal with that? — Come into my life, my space, and my aura with peace so we can share it together. Don't come into my life looking for peace because then you disrupt mine trying to create yours. 😠

Think of it like this, would you appreciate someone coming into your life looking to benefit from your income? Or would you rather the person come with their own adequate income so you share your both of benefits with each other? Or even more simply, wouldn’t you want to be involved with someone with their own place or their own car instead of always relying on you to provide it for them?

Some people don't understand this and most men refuse to acknowledge how their actions and words affect a situation. If you're playing the field, more power to you, but you also have to consider that you're playing with people's emotions, spare mine if I’m not going to be good to my heart. If you like to share your time between different people that is your prerogative, but you’ll need to be careful with how you handle things with me because again, I don’t want to get the sense that you’re leaving room for opportunity with another woman who's waiting on you.

My reality is I am not going to juggle people’s feelings because I don’t want mine mixed in with others. If you are openly dating, great. We can be friendly and we can hang out on occasion, but I’m not going to knowingly be a part of your menagerie. If you’re interested in me, don’t hide it, but if you’re interested in someone else too, you’ll need to be strategic about how you share your time and attention. — I don’t care what you do out there, don’t let it affect what’s going on over here. I don’t have the patience for anyone’s nonsense. So if you got fans, hoes, “friends”, cool, don’t have me around them and don’t have them around me. 😠Yes, I will feel some type of way if we are out somewhere and some woman comes up to you and starts hugging on you, then I’m going to watch how you react because that is going to set the tone of our situation, even if we run into each other and you avoid being close to me because another woman is around you. 🤨 Like I said, body language will say more than your mouth does and if I sense any foolishness, things between us are going to change. I’m not going to tell you to cut off your hoes, I’m just going to watch how you act if they come around and I’m right here with you. So don’t play the field, if you don’t have good offensive and defensive coordination. 🤡

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Don't Give Everyone Access: PT 2

First, A Reader Question: “Would you swap your current age to be in your 20s again?”

Me: Absolutely not. My 20s were great. It holds many reasons why I make the decisions I make today. Not everything in my 20s was all rainbows and sunshine, it was the dark days that remind me how I got through some tough battles. Even with my trials now, I have to keep telling myself,

What was yesterday is yesterday. You can carry it into today, but remember, what you keep carrying from each day puts more weight on you. We have to learn to process and talk about pain to let it go.

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On to the topic….

This post from July 2020 for some reason keeps getting searched and it has the most views out of all my posts and I am not sure why? I’ve not written anything Noble Prize worthy, just an idea that not everyone should have all privileges to you, whether it be friend, family, or partner.

It is also a bit of a coincidence that this post is most popular because it fits my current mindset even more than previously. There are elements around me that I’m unsure of and I am taking my time to observe it all to decided what is right for me right now. You see the thing is, what you decide today may not be what you decide tomorrow. Everyday the mind changes, the heart changes, our needs change and we decide on what is best for us even it just in the moment. I may decide to give someone access to me this week and next week, I want to be left alone. — No, it may not be fair to the other person, in which case I still have to be aware of the decisions I make and how it may affect others.

Full post below.

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Let’s talk a moment.

Let’s agree that not everyone is deserving to be around you. That doesn’t mean shutting people out completely, but rather being aware that there are people who are not for you and just want to take from you…

• Your energy

• Your confidence

• Your hard work

• Your finances

• Your rewards

• YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We all have an intuition and all of our intuitions tell us when someone is not right for us. Many of us do ignore this because we want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us.

Although, we have to accept that sometimes it takes people longer to be the best version of them and maybe they are the best they can be at this time, but that doesn’t mean you have to fully welcome them in your life. People can go through metamorphosis at any age, sometimes more than once. Love and care at a distance. You can still have a good heart and not fall victim to someone else’s demons.

• Years ago a friend and I fell out for reasons that are no longer important, we were at different places in our lives. Later on, he ended up getting very sick and a mutual friend called me to let me know what was going on. I hopped on the first flight out to see about my sick friend. We didn’t talk about why we stopped speaking to each other, we just carried on and caught up on the missed time and learned about the growth we both went through.

  • We needed to deny access to one another in order create different paths for ourselves and we became better friends after it because we became more willing to listen and understand each other better…and our fall out wasn’t a “be all, end all” we still had an abundance of love for each other. This doesn’t mean all relationships that dissolve will come back together, it just means that sometimes the difference between two people is the distance that needs to be had and what becomes of it afterwards depends on the pivotal points in your life.

I’ve said this many of times before, I want my peace more than I want attention. — I’m so comfortable with myself that I refuse to allow someone to destroy what I’ve created. Or exhaust my warmth to someone who won’t reciprocate my affections.

Many of us get into relationships (platonic or romantic) and make compromises which is expected, but when those compromises start to turn you into someone you don’t recognize, then there is a problem. LOVE is not folding every time just to make a person feel more comfortable, stable, or secure. LOVE is understanding each other’s weakness and helping to make them stronger. If your weakness is an element of insecurity and your partner doesn’t help you overcome that, then you are either misunderstanding who your partner/friend is OR this person is not the partner/friend for you. Yes, sometimes you also have to deny yourself access to people.

Not everyone is capable to travel with you in life. You are not blocking blessings by keeping people out, you are protecting yourself from being drained by someone or people you are unsure of. YES, let them prove they can stand by you and with you. Some people are there temporarily, some are there for the lesson. Then there are some people who need more time to reach you, give them that time, but keep your focus forward. YOU are the decider of your well being. And yes, it’s hard to separate yourself if you are a giver, but you have to grip on to what keeps you at peace. You cannot give if you are depleted. I am meticulous with how much energy I give and to whom I give it to and I change the levels when necessary.

You can interact with many people and still not allow all of them access to the whole you.

• I have at lease 5 different groups of friends, some from my past, some I met in passing, some I frequently see or interact with; all of them know a different part of me, some of them know a different version of me, but only a select few know all of me. — I made it that way.

I love and enjoy ALL of my friends and family, I appreciate that we are not the same. Each of them ignite different pieces of me, but I know all of them cannot, will not, or are not equipped to take the same road as me. It’s no one’s fault. It also wouldn’t be right of me to take (possibly carry) someone on a journey they are not ready for. Therefore, access to me remains selective and limited. I trust what I know about each person in my life…read that again.

Everyone doesn’t deserve access to you.

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The Older Man

Let's ponder on this for a moment (text image). So, I'm at an age where being involved with someone 15+ years isn't much of an eyebrow raiser considering my experiences and where I'm currently at in life. (I did another post about age gaps: She’s Too Young For You, Bro.)

Yes, it's been proven that girls mature faster than boys so it's innate that we look to date older but, we all should understand that girls still go through different mental stages and dating someone too old could be a sign of other issues or personal intentions.

At 15, a girl is high-school aged and still experiencing adolescents , would it be wise for a man in his 20’s to be involved with a girl this age? Well, to be objective, most men in their 20’s are in a black whole of confusions themselves. At 25, a woman may be going through the notions of adult scenarios and learning her identity. A man in his mid to late 40s finding interest in a woman that age is a bit questionable, wouldn't you say? Just as questionable as the man in is 20’s interested in a girl in her teens?

So what about these men who date extremely younger? Dating young enough that a girl could be his daughter, if he started having kids in his 20s.

Most of my guy friends have said that 20 year old’s are fun but, nothing substantial enough to keep their attention to becoming something more serious. When I asked why that is, the general response was that women in their 20s have a different focus, different goals, and different views on life, they are still innocent in the sense they are just beginning their adult years and have so many things to still learn before reaching the capacity of a man who may be 15-20 years older than her. These young ladies may be smart and sophisticated but, they are mentally not prepared for what a older man comes with.

*The type of older man I'm referring to is a well established man, either with a high title with his company, manages/owns a business, possibly has children, has had long term relationships previously, has a house, 401K/IRA, etc. — I'm not talking about men who are "still trying to get on the right path in life".

Yet, it's not taboo that we see successful men with such young women and sometimes I think the following:

• What types of conversations do they have?

• Does he work a lot so they really don't spend that much time together?

• How do they tolerate each other’s generational differences?

• Is she just a trophy to show off to everyone?

• Was she in a bad situation and he was just trying to help her but, ended up getting too involved?

Or maybe these men are mentally in their 20’s still with a fear of getting "old" and they date younger women to help ease their reality. Maybe these types of men are going through an identity crisis?

But let's not leave out the young ladies who are willing to do almost anything to be involved with a successful man because they see security...they'll be taken care of financially, live a comfortable life, and have the honor of telling people about the man they're sleeping with. — And because of this, the older man may be more vulnerable to a young woman's advances.

It's hard to say why men and women date who they date. All I know is, if any of my male friends whom are certain ages starts getting serious with women much younger than them...even younger than me, I'm definitely giving them the side eyes and looking at them very differently.

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Gaslighting

In one form or another we probably possess a toxic trait. Mine - Being passive aggressive and condescending when I’m annoyed, initiated or upset.

By definition GASLIGHTING is a technique that undermines your entire perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, you often second-guess yourself, your memories, and your perceptions. After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you are left feeling dazed and wondering what is wrong with you. It's a form of manipulation.

I’m not sure if I would call it a technique since most people don’t realize when they are doing it because in their minds they are just trying to defend themselves and in the process also being dismissive of someone else's opinions and feelings. It happens more often than we realize and occurs with all types of relationships we harbor. We see it happen most commonly in romantic relationships.

Here's My Thoughts: Don’t get upset because I’m upset. Hear why I’m upset and let's come up with a solution that works for both of us. Don’t tell me I’m overreacting or that I’m being crazy, acknowledge my frustration especially if you want me to acknowledge yours. Talk to me. Don’t push me to the side to let me stew in my own boiling pot of confusion. Don’t think that “I’m supposed to know better.” Apparently, whatever you are doing or continuing to do keeps me feeling the way I do, so if you give me the excuse of “This is just who I am.” that’s just a scapegoat of you not wanting to be challenged to be a better communicator, a better friend, a better lover…a better you.

If we are in a disagreement, we may use aggressive tones or say things out of term. — A little tidbit about myself: If you are going to go off on me no matter what tone you use, know that I talk back. And I’m not afraid of aggression, sometimes that's the only way I’ll listen (another unhealthy characteristic of mine), and if that is how you feel you need to get things across to me, then also know that you will need to coddle me afterwards…

Lamens Terms, “If you're going to talk to me crazy, then you better love on me after.” Don’t leave me alone because then I’m going to think you’ve given up.

I’ve once said, monsters don’t scare me, people do. Which means you can never know what a person is thinking or capable of, whether you are important to them or is it just a phase and they are filling some type of void before moving on. What I don’t like is inconsistency. If there is a lapse in how you speak to me and how to act around me and you’ve not given me any form of explanation, that's when my mind begins to wonder and I’ll start asking questions. If you gaslight me, it only makes matters worse.

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The Wall

For the most part I prefer for my private life to stay relatively quiet, mainly because I believe that everyone should not be privy to your personal business. Although, I know that we all may face similar situations and sharing the surface details may help others to access their own scenarios.

So let’s talk about this barrier that we put around ourselves to protect us from pain and disappointment. Trust is a personal process and it takes time mixed in with a conscious effort.

The Interest in my life and I have had a few discussions relating to this topic. We seem to always come to an impasse on how we behave or react the way we do towards each other in different scenarios (our communication is good but, it is not always translated how we intend it). I honestly believe we trust what we see in each other but, I also believe there is still much we do not know about each other. We have come down from the high of being reintroduced into one another’s lives again and the reality of us: who we are to each other, where we are, where we want to be, what we are doing, and how much information we want to share with people we know is something we are carefully navigating through. I cannot compare him to anyone else I have been involved with because our origin story was somewhat fortuitous, although I do not want us to revert back into what we were comfortable doing before, I am anticipating this direction to be more substantial. I also do not ask much about his history with previous relationships because I do not want it to linger in the back of my mind. — Ladies and Gentleman, it will drive you crazy trying to piece together who is who, why they stopped seeing each other, how serious they were, what all they did together, how much they loved each other, if they still keep in contact, if they still think of each other, etc. — It is normal to wonder if someone’s history haunts them or if someone might let their history resurface...because then, where does that leave you?

Some people believe that you should know about someone’s past to understand who they are now…well, I partially agree. I am more convinced that you should experience someone’s current state of mind without trying to dig too much into their past or what they are willing to share with you. Be open with who a person is now as opposed to who they may have been before…remember, people do evolve and change.

The Interest and I are openly respectful of each other’s time and space but, there are times I think we probably could be more…eager with one another? Or maybe even more open. Sometimes I feel we can be at a stalemate with definitely wanting to be involved, but not too involved, and not less involved…in the sense of not getting too far ahead of ourselves. There is no doubt that we care very much for one another even when we don't say it. It’s hard to explain our connection without going into details and we all know I'm not going to do that. I think at times we forget that we are also friends and leave out elements that make a friendship a friendship. Describing him is almost like describing myself. There are a few characteristics we share that I cannot be upset with him about because I am the same way for example, I often feel he goes too long without saying anything to me but, I do that too, so how upset can I really get? Although, I also think he uses my nonchalance against me in order to justify his actions sometimes. We both have built our lives to accommodate us individually and managing our own selves to include someone else can be a challenge. Plus, we don’t want to force anything onto one another and cause disruption in each other’s lives. But then you see affirmations that encourage people to be pushed out of their comfort zones in order to achieve something greater for instance there is a saying: To want different, you have to do different.” and you think…Am I or are we being too careful that it’s causing this to be theoretical?

No one wants to be hurt and we too often condition ourselves to think or act in a way to keep people at a safe distance from us. I’ve gotten into a bad habit of joking with him about him being “a man about town”…psychologically, it’s a defense mechanism to prepare myself of…well, I really don’t know actually. I don’t know what I'm afraid of with him. In the past, it was easier for me to avoid and block out anyone who I felt was getting too close to me or if someone was getting too complicated for my comfort…I’d run but, where has that lead me? As confident as I am and as confident as he is, there's still that black hole of doubt and hesitation. I hate that black hole but, it doesn't just go away on its own. — He makes similar comments to me about being a scandalous woman, at times I laugh, other times I do get a little bothered by it because that's not who I am, what I show him, or what I express to him. I am a woman who can be friendly with every man but, not just any man can get close to me or can say that he knows details of my personal attributes. He is very aware that I get attention easily but, I’m never sure if that influences him to think that I don’t place him at high regards. I have a certain tunnel vision when I am interested in someone; I don’t try to fill a void with other suitors, gallivant myself for attention, or rest myself in someone else's arms.

I’m learning things about myself through my experiences with the Interest. I’m learning to be more self aware of my feelings and how I express those feelings. We are both a bit distant by nature so I have to realize when I’m being so distant that I am disconnecting from him. I am also learning to give him grace just as much as I give myself grace because I know how headstrong I can be when I’m stern on a topic. When I think of him, I think he is a man of certain discipline, pride, accountability, maturity — a man who has lived, has aged well, is experienced, and who is now more grounded in life and doesn’t have the patience to entertain lack of substance and miniscule efforts of attention. But then I also think, He’s still a MAN, still capable of being weak to temptations, getting excited over any woman batting her eyes at him, watering down truths, and fully possible of being disappointing. — That’s my wall, remember I said I hate the black hole? Well, here it is. Just being a man sends my mind a wave of caveats. Why?…Well, men and women don't always speak the same language so more times than not, we misunderstand each other, it’s a universal qualm. And the fact that I’m more reasonable than most women creates a concern that my laidback quality could be taken advantage of.

Sidebar: A while ago, a good friend once asked me what it would take for me to think differently of men…or just at least a man. My response, “I just want to be impressed.” - How hard is that? How hard is it to listen to someone’s likes and actually deliver on some of it? Not all the time but, pleasant surprises every now and then to catch me off guard and raise the bar. Because of what I can do for myself, I do not get impressed too easily and most men think, “If she can do it herself, why do I need to do it?” — No fellas, that’s not how you should look at it. Don’t worry about how other people might think of you, worry about how happy you can make her. Showing a woman you care for her is an admirable quality (sorry if women in your past took advantage of that or didn’t appreciate it but, don’t let that keep you from being the best man you can be for someone deserving of your affections). And don’t just be impressive in one category, be impressive in several. Be impressive in your behaviors in what you do around a woman and what you do or don’t do when you’re not around her. — Eh, I guess sometimes simple things are just too simple for simple minds.

The process of incorporating someone into your life isn’t as easy as people make it to be when you are still cautious because there can be a fear of losing yourself or allowing someone to influence too much of your life. It takes quality time, open conversations, and the willingness of revealing yourselves. You cannot expect someone’s guard to magically disappear over night especially if your still holding yours up. If you like one other, you’ll give each other enough grace for deeper admiration and understanding. There can’t be a thought of this is how am and this is how I’m going to stay. I made adjustments in my life in consideration of the Interest, some changes he knows of and some just for principle. — Walls only stay up if you don’t work to break them down.

….and remember Ladies, with anything, If he wanted to, he would.

Know your value to know that you want to be someone's REASON and not somone’s option.

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Depression

As more years go by, I am realizing how important mental health is. For some reason it is still a taboo topic and many people avoid addressing it or make it seem like mental health issues doesn’t exist. From personal experience…THEY DO EXSIST.

About 3/4 years ago I fell into a funk. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to see people or go out, and it was a struggle for me to get out of bed, but here was the thing…nothing was going wrong in my life. Work was great, family was great, friends were great, everything was GREAT. So what was wrong with me?!

For a long time, I was one of those people who didn’t believe in depression. I once believed that it was just an excuse people used to lay around all day and ignore phone calls…I was wrong. (Although, I do think people exhaust their conditions to avoid certain responsibilities.)

Yes, there is a neurological problem that causes your moods and energy levels to shift or be low, but you can still function through it. There is a self motivation element that one needs to have to overcome these challenges. You may have people to tell you to snap out of your funk or encourage you to be happy about what you have or what you achieved, but it doesn't change anything if you don't “feel like it". YOU have to want to pull yourself out of it. After being in denial and knowing I didn't want to continue to feel like this, I had to force myself to “get better" and to redirect my mind towards a more healthy routine.

For me it is “Seasonal Depression” when the weather changes with the hours of the day and it gets darker sooner, so around the winter months. I sometimes face it in the early spring as well, but it’s more prominent between August and January. I struggle to smile, to do things I normally do like fun things with the kids or catching up with friends. I even get very short with people at work and all I want to do is stay in bed all day. I feel empty.

*Also, I should mention that when I do go through these bouts, I have to assess whether it is an imbalance or if there is something really bothering me that is affecting my mood and behavior. I can sometimes take on the feelings of others, their problems, their struggles, etc. and it dwells in my mind; things that do not directly effect me, but I still feel some sort of attachment to whatever someone I care about is going through. It’s called transference in psychology and it’s like a transfer of energy.

When I finally accepted my mental health issue, I vehemently decided NOT to take any prescription medications. I was discussing my state of mind with a colleague and she advised me on supplemental vitamins that she uses. I began to take the vitamins right away and noticed a MAJOR difference in my moods. (Consult with your doctor. Each supplement is hyperlink for further details. Brands vary.)

✔ Magnesium: Helps boost energy and fight depression

✔ ADB5 Plus: Helps adrenal functions and balancing hormones

✔ St. John's Forte: Helps with mild depression symptoms, stress, and anxiety.

Now, that it has been a few years, I don't always take all these together or even every day, however I do take them consistently when I feel like I’m sinking further and cannot seem to pull myself up on my own. I learned to pay close attention to my body and moods and sometimes I'll just take the magnesium depending on my imbalance. Other times I take nothing because I learned to divert my mind to something that keeps me proactive and productive.

I also became more active with writing down affirmations for myself.

Hey, life is a mess at times and we never know what to expect or how we’ll handle tough situations, but somehow, someway, we have to keep going.

---

The Prenup

What do you feel about prenuptial agreements? Do you feel someone loves you less or does not have faith in your relationship if a prenup is presented?

Here is my take on it:

I agree with prenuptial agreements. I do not feel it deals with matters of the heart, but more of matters of security. If you have built something on your own, you did the research, you put in the hours, you threw up the capital for it, then how would you feel if you’ve gotten into a married that is ending and the judge says you owe HALF of what you earned to someone else?

• I am not referring to something you created or developed while you were married, I am talking about something YOU planned and executed before getting married.

Prenuptial agreements can be a simple as writing out what is shared or protected during a divorce. The documents can be very detailed in explaining specific ‘Do’s & Don’ts’: infidelities, children, new businesses, already established businesses, obtained properties, stipends, living costs, etc. It may sound like a business proposition because a marriage IS a type of business, it’s a PARTNERSHIP. — There was a time when girls were only bred for marriage in exchange for some type of payment to her family, such as farm land.

• I’ve seen agreements be as specific as outlining if a wife delivers a son during the marriage, she will get an added 20K a year until the son turns 18 if they get a divorce before then. Another one stated that if the husbands commits infidelity, the wife can earn additional monies if they get divorced. (I would definitely want an infidelity clause included to address any children born outside of my marriage or transmitted diseases. — Bitch, you get nothing from me if you have babies elsewhere or give me a disease and if you are a well to do man, then in YOUR prenup, there should be an appendix that details some sort of accommodation for my pain and embarrassment.)

I do not believe it has anything to do with how much you love a person. I fully believe is has more to do with protecting your assets and both people have a say on what goes into the agreement. You can request an amendment to better benefit you if there is something you feel is unfair, of course all this will have to go through lawyers, but if you want something done, do it right and be thorough especially with things like this. Prenuptial agreements are best discussed with two people are “Happily in Love” because the details may be more generous as opposed to being in divorce court and you hating the way your ex-partner breathes.

My whole outlook on it is, If you weren’t shooting with me at the gym, why am I going to hand over the reward from all the training and hard work I put in just because we don’t want to be with each other anymore? — I’m not saying what’s mine is ONLY mine, I’ll share will you, but I am drawing a line with what you get from me if we decide to go our separate ways.

And think about this: If you are choosing to be with someone whom has not already created their own stability, then that person is going to look to you to provide that for them.

But one thing I know for sure, if I get married again it will be my last. Even if I’m fed up with him I'll still fix his plate, “You want potatoes or not, jackass?!”

PLUS, My Daddy says:

If he can’t take care of you as good as you take care of yourself, don’t waste your time and don’t start matching your first name with his last name.

---

Don't Give Everyone Access

😮 After almost 2 years, this is still the most viewed and searched post throughout my entire site. I hope those of you who keep coming back to this is finding something useful within my words.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Let’s talk a moment.

You know you are awesome, right? So let’s agree that not everyone is deserving to be around you. That doesn’t mean shutting people out completely, but rather being aware that there are people who are not for you and just want to take from you…

• Your energy

• Your confidence

• Your hard work

• Your finances

• Your rewards

• YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We all have an intuition and all of our intuitions tell us when someone is not right for us. Many of us do ignore this because we want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us.

Although, we have to accept that sometimes it takes people longer to be the best version of them and maybe they are the best they can be at this time, but that doesn’t mean you have to fully welcome them in your life. People can go through metamorphosis at any age, sometimes more than once. Love and care at a distance. You can still have a good heart and not fall victim to someone else’s demons.

• Years ago a friend and I fell out for reasons that are no longer important, we were at different places in our lives. Later on, this person ended up getting very sick and a mutual friend called me to let me know what was going on. I hopped on the first flight out to see about my sick friend. We didn’t talk about why we stopped speaking to each other, we just carried on and caught up on the missed time and learned about the growth we both went through.

  • We needed to deny access to one another in order create different paths for ourselves and we became better friends after it because we became more willing to listen and understand each other better…and our fall out wasn’t a “be all, end all” we still had an abundance of love for each other. This doesn’t mean all relationships that dissolve will come back together, it just means that sometimes the difference between two people is the distance that needs to be had and what becomes of it afterwards depends on the pivotal points in your life.

I’ve said this many of times before, I want my peace more than I want attention. — I’m so comfortable with myself that I refuse to allow someone to destroy what I’ve created. Or exhaust my warmth to someone who won’t reciprocate my affections.

Many of us get into relationships (platonic or romantic) and make compromises which is expected, but when those compromises start to turn you into someone you don’t recognize, then there is a problem. LOVE is not folding every time just to make a person feel more comfortable, stable, or secure. LOVE is understanding each other’s weakness and helping to make them stronger. If your weakness is an element of insecurity and your partner doesn’t help you overcome that, then you are either misunderstanding who your partner/friend is OR this person is not the partner/friend for you. Yes, sometimes you also have to deny yourself access to people.

Not everyone is capable to travel with you in life. You are not blocking blessings by keeping people out, you are protecting yourself from being drained by someone or people you are unsure of. YES, let them prove they can stand by you and with you. Some people are there temporarily, some are there for the lesson. Then there are some people who need more time to reach you, give them that time, but keep your focus forward. YOU are the decider of your well being. And yes, it’s hard to separate yourself if you are a giver, but you have to grip on to what keeps you at peace. You cannot give if you are depleted. I am meticulous with how much energy I give and to whom I give it to and I change the levels when necessary.

You can interact with many people and still not allow all of them access to the whole you.

• I have at lease 5 different groups of friends, some from my past, some I met in passing, some I frequently see or interact with; all of them know a different part of me, some of them know a different version of me, but only a select few know all of me. — I made it that way.

I love and enjoy ALL of my friends and family, I appreciate that we are not the same. Each of them ignite different pieces of me, but I know all of them cannot, will not, or are not equipped to take the same road as me. It’s no one’s fault. It also wouldn’t be right of me to take (possibly carry) someone on a journey they are not ready for. Therefore, access to me remains selective and limited. I trust what I know about each person in my life…read that again.

Everyone doesn’t deserve access to you.

---

Can you Survive It?

Can you survive an open relationship?

Having an open relationship generally means you and your partner agree to date/sleep with other people without recourse.  Could you be okay with this arrangement?  Does this mean you don't love each other?  Is there more chance of separating?  What if your partner falls in love with the other person?  What are the rules?

I do not think this is a "NEW" way of how relationships can function.  I believed this has been an option (even if it is the last) and reality for many couples for many decades. 

For myself personally, it is not in my make-up to be with someone other than my partner, yet do I think my partner should practice the same discipline?  Ideally, yes. 

In a recent post I stated:

"All I ask of my partner is to be good to my health and my heart.  However he translates that or acts on that is on him.  As my husband, I expect a man to handle me as his wife, a woman who he placed on a high pedestal and who he promised to love, cherish, and protect."

Read full post HERE.

What a man is not going to do is have our lives play out like a reality tv show where I can clearly see him kissing face with someone else.  No sir, you can pack your shit now!  Some men are out here creating new relationships while still involved in one.  The moment you begin to invest into someone else is the same moment your home begins to crack.

With a celebrity reference, a Hip-hop artist mentioned that his wife said, "It's not the cheating that hurts, it's the type of bitches he cheats with." 

We can translate this is many ways...

Yes, it is a bit questionable when a man decides to entertain a woman who is completely opposite from his wife.  The wife may wonder why he would be attracted to someone who does not have her same values or qualities.  But, think about it; he married her for those characteristics; gallivanting with someone of the same nature would be more threatening, No?

Similar to my past, the man I was with for many years invested in someone who was not like me at all.  I did not see the attraction but, over time I cared less and less about this ordeal and let them go off on a journey together while I ventured on to a better life. Men, you cannot give 2 women at the same time the same promises. You are setting the tone completely wrong...hence my last post.

And, Ladies, you cannot control a man with your pu**y.  As good as it may be, there are plenty of other women throwing it to him.  The defining character will be the caliber of man HE IS.  Is he a man of messiness or a man of thoughtfulness? Messy men bring home distractions, babies and, other women to your doorstep. Thoughtful men bring home conversation, love, and attention.

Granted, wrong is wrong and once the vows are said, no one should be stepping outside their marriage but, I am going to be aware of other possibilities.   The issue is, how do you stop from emotions getting involved?

Regardless of what a Husband and Wife decide to do, the Love and the Home should never be at risk.  The moment your Peace is compromised, there is a problem.  *And there are many people who do not know how to truly fortify their marriages.  These are the ones that fail.

---

Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”

Men Set The Tone

I know I've said this countless times before but since it's inevitable for people to misdirect themselves or others, let me continue to say it....

Men set the tone for a relationship because Men propose the relationship.

Let me repeat....MEN (the ones with a penis and an Adam's apple) set the tone for a relationship because MEN propose the relationship. 

It's interesting the type of men who come across me these days. And the ques they don't think I pick up on or see as a red flag.  Maybe because no one has addressed it with them or they just feel they should take a shot anyway.  Who knows but, I'm going to make you aware of what I see to be an issue.

A man told me he was going through a divorce. His soon to be ex has been giving him a hard time through the trials and they have a young child together.  After telling me all the details of how he feels and the type of man he is, caring, hard working, understanding of all women's wants and needs, etc., he then attempts to ask if I'd like to go out sometime. 

Really sir????

I told him I'm a different mindset in my life and not interested. I also told him it takes time and whether or not he has bad feelings towards his ex, she and their son will need time to accept and process everything. 

Had I accepted his pass, I'd be accepting that I'm going on a "date" with a MARRIED MAN since their divorce is not final yet. And from what this man has revealed, he ex is still sensitive about the divorce so I'm opening myself up to unnecessary drama. Plus, he has a young child, I would expect for the man to make sure his child gets through the divorce before trying to pursue a new woman. — This is the tone he wanted to set?

If you are going to approach a woman with the intentions of something more, approach her fully free of whatever past or obstacle that may hinder you from being great for her and approach her fully prepared to accept the type of woman she is...whether or not something comes of it.  Not every connection is meant to be more.

Once a relationship is started, the man continues to set the tone within the union. BUT, a woman also sets the tone for how a man treats her and behaves towards her. And Women sure as hell should never, NEVER EVER, chase a man.

The issue we face today is that the ratio of men to women is lower than the ratio of women to men. Men have far more to chose from and they know it. And sometimes there is no standards with them — as long as she is pretty and does what he wants. Don’t get me wrong, there is plenty of men, but women are a bit more meticulous when choosing partners.

You Don't Go Together

Just because you are "talking" to someone, doesn't mean you go together...

Ladies, if he has not asked you to be his girlfriend and you have not agreed,  you don't go together! Yes, it's like a marriage proposal, the man asks and the woman says yes or no...I'm pretty sure I've said this many, MANY, times in previous posts.

He can tell you he likes you.

He can tell you how good of a woman you are.

He can tell you that he really depends on you.

He can tell you that you're not like other women.

He can tell you he's not seeing anyone. 

He can even tell you he loves you.

BUT, if he has not asked you to be his lady, YOU. DON'T. GO. TOGETHER.

It doesn't matter if you had/have sex with him or if he seems like the type who doesn't sleep around, YOU. STILL. DON'T. GO. TOGETHER.

Look, I was once the woman who took many things a man said to me and ran with it. 

Yeah, he wants to be with me, he's just figuring things out right now.

No, we're really together or dating, it's just complicated.

Yeah, he really does like me, he just doesn't know how to express himself. 

LIFE LESSON: Don't run with scissors.

Here are some more signs that you don't go together...interchangeable to men and women.

• When you make it known you are having a bad day or having a rough week and (s)he doesn't check up on you or if (s)he does but, doesn't follow up.  - I'm guilty of this. I may initially express my concern, but that's it, I rarely check back for an update. BECAUSE I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

• (S)He doesn't respond to your calls or texts. - I'm guilty again. I'll read a message and never answer or respond days later, no matter who is reaching out to me and BECAUSE I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

• (S)He doesn't make an effort to make plans with you or spend valuable time with you. - Busy is busy but, you make time for those you want to keep in your life; I may move my schedule around for someone, but until he officially asks me, I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

So people, let's do our best to avoid girl/boyfriend emotions when you weren't even allowed that position.  Also hear this, If you are not legitimately in a committed relationship with someone and your feeling get hurt, that is YOUR issue not his/hers.

Committed Relationship = Two people agree that they are exclusive and working towards combining their lives and making a future together.

And don't expect your non boy/girlfriend to come coddle you or be interested in "we need to talk" or "I need closure." WTF do you want to talk about?  WTF do you need closure for?  This ain't Oprah or Dr. Phil.  

It's like you putting your food in someone's refrigerator and you tell the person he can have it if he wants it.  You're hoping that he sees this act of generosity and will return the favor with equal affections but, instead he eats all the food, says "thank you" and then leaves the dishes in the sink for you to wash, because c'mon, you will do what you can to show this person you belong there.  And now you get upset and want to have a dramatic sit down to talk about it because you feel slighted.  WHY? You created this scenario!

**In some defenses, people don't automatically see the error of their way unless it is brought to their attention but, let's not hang too heavily on this notion since he's not your boyfriend. He's just someone who is in that gray area that you want to crossover with, instead of just letting it be and allowing him to filter himself into that role or filter himself out of your life.**

But hey, what do I know, I'm just a single broad who loves my space and doesn't require much attention.  Just feed me and tell me I'm pretty every now and then.

Learn to control your own emotions, or better yet, STOP trying to coax someone into wanting to be part of your future.

You can boohoo all you want to...

and he may entertain some of your tears but, if you are not his woman...

Some people, mostly men, already do not do well with emotions, so if you start with the water works, don't expect a clear and concise resolution. 

Honesty Moment: I am not the friend you should cry to if you have a broken heart.  I'm going to point the finger to YOU, and ask you what you did to get yourself in this mess. Now if everything you tell me directly points fault to the other person then, yes, I'll coddle your hurt feelings but until then, I'm scrutinizing YOU.

Sorry, a little harsh but, sometimes I have to give you guys some tough love.  Com'ere, and read this quote below...

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Gandhi

And yes, my friends get this same verbiage from me when they do silly shit and get their emotions wrapped up in a man who's not their boyfriend.

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY #BAMA

Sometimes, you meet people who imprint on your life and begin to find connections with entities that connect with them.  All imprints are a lesson and some imprints continue to add impressions onto your timeline.

My life in Texas has really opened my world to this unusual thing called, "Southern Hospitality".  Houston itself is a melting pot of people from all over the US and the world yet, what's interesting is when I meet true southern people.

I do not know much about Alabama other than driving through Mobile one time and getting stuck in f**king traffic for 5, 6 hours! WTF!

But, I have made some friends from Alabama who've imprinted upon my life.

I made my first unexpected friend from Alabama almost 2 years ago.  It was a gentleman whom did not allow me to simply disregard him.  I was my usual self, blunt and abrasive but, my Northern persona didn't offend his Southern Hospitality. 

Initially I thought, What's wrong with this dude? He must like being abused.  Realistically, it is more so, What's wrong with me and why am I so guarded and quick to automatically deflect people? 

Somehow, this Alabama man and I created a unique friendship at which most people wouldn't understand it...but what is for me to understand, isn't for you to understand.

I can identify that I am a little different from others in the sense I do not see relationships, infatuation, or even love the same way as mainstream society depicts it.  I see what makes most sense to me.

I think of my own friends, all from different backgrounds, experiences, neighborhoods, and countries.  We have collectively made a connection with one another because of small similarities that caught our interest but, bigger differences that keep us in each others' lives. 

Our friends are the family that we get to choose.  I inadvertently made so many varying arrays of friendships that my circle is as diverse as my persona.  I love it.

The Men We Entertain

Generally, men aren't slow and they can comprehend what you tell them; 

He just doesn't think in the same way you do. You can easily misunderstand his thoughts or over exaggerated his actions to appease your insecurity about him.

We all know, I don't date but, I still come across men who tend to mislead women...sometimes not intentionally.  Some are unaware of the affect they can have on women. Or maybe they are very aware and still don't feel any remorse to heartbreak, especially if they never asked a woman to be his lady.  Again, men do not think like we do, many times they act without thinking and leave us wondering, "What the hell is his doing?!"

Yes, fellas, I am usually hard on you guys but, I can still see the goodness in you...some of you.  Women do attach themselves to someone who they can see a potential future with.  We formulate an imaginary story of our lives together, hey, I never denied that we are crazy; we are. 😊 And we do bend our "limitations" for a man we really like.  We allow certain things that may not sit well with us to continue and cover it up with his sweet words or generous acts.  His simple words and actions help us overlook the concerns we have...yet it still doesn't lead us to a healthy relationship. 

You cannot accept that he has not claimed you as his girlfriend.  You cannot accept that he doesn't call you everyday.  You cannot accept that he doesn't check up on you.  You cannot accept that he doesn't make plans with you.  You cannot accept that he does not do for you in the same capacity that you do for him....BUT, you still hold on to him?

 You go through the process of showing him how good of a woman you are, how caring you can be, how much you consider him, and that you are willing to drop everything to come to his rescue.  Of course he will still allow you to cater to him and he will do what little he has to do to keep you holding on for hope.  He is getting all the benefits of being your boyfriend, without being your boyfriend.

Ladies, why do many of us fall victim to this?  Why are some of us not willing to accept that he doesn't want a girlfriend or more painful to accept that he just doesn't want YOU specifically?  Men have their preferences also.  You can do everything in the world that makes him smile, but if he does not feel that you are not the one, then you have to understand that.  And he can tell you that he doesn't want a relationship, just to spare any insult you may feel if he told you that he's just not that into you...then you see him months later publicly kissy faced with a woman...a woman who is not you.

It's OKAY ladies.  He wasn't the one for you either.  It just took you longer to let it set in.

☝☝☝ This is the problem ladies.

Yes, you should do the best you can for people and maybe do a little more for those you care about but, if you are only doing it in exchange for him to pay more attention to you and drop to his knees with the perfect ring, then it may not turn out they way you planned.  You cannot dictate someone else's future, even when you are mapping out your own.  If you want to do the most for him, okay, then do so but, don't get heartbroken when he doesn't reciprocate your affections into someone he wants to share his life with.

Walk the path you intended for yourself.  One day you'll look over and notice someone walking that same path, and guess what, it won't be a hassle for him to intertwine his journey with yours.

Love is hard. We can't predict it.  We are unaware when it happens and it consumes our logical thinking.  Why do we do it?....because humans are meant to love and be loved.

It's that "be loved" part that is a bit convoluted.  And yet, we still entertain the idea of it because it's one of the greatest emotions to have. 😞😟

Clinging

We do tend to hold on to the memories, thoughts, feelings, and gestures of a person or relationship even though, these things may not be good for our aura. We hold on because we want for something to change or to have that same happy moment again but, unfortunately we cannot control the change in others, only ourselves. 😔

Have you ever stayed in a relationship longer than you should have?  Why?

Because the person you once loved with all their flaws has now become the person you can't stand?

You must learn to let go.....and Let Live.

Yes, people do change but, that doesn't mean they grow. And people mostly change for benefit of themselves not necessarily for others.  😒...but this notion should not always be frowned upon.

I made changes over the years that help me to progress and succeed as an individual.  Some of my changes have made me "seem" heartless but, really, I'm just more enthusiastic and focused on my future.

In a different aspect, people may change to better find ways to "manipulate" others.  Finding better ways to hide secrets or learning other outlets to get only their needs met...selfishness. 

Just because you spent a lot of time "investing" in someone, doesn't mean it is a good investment.  Sometimes you have to count your losses and allow better means to be presented in your life.

The Mystery

Ever since my initial post "The Stranger" I have been getting an abundance of emails and comments here and there about this 'mystery guy'.  It is not a mystery, he is a friend of mine and yes, we have shared romantic moments but, we still consider ourselves as friends.  And, yes, I do refer to him every now and then.  I empathize that some people may have concern about him for me but, with all that I do share with the world, there is much that I do not share for my own personal reasons...I am the one who is living this experience and although I can appreciate everyone's thoughts, I am the one who has to live out any decision I make regarding my friend. 

I know that it may be difficult for most people to comprehend our friendship but, with having bad memories from my last love spell, I am very adamant about building a friendship before anything else...how can anyone create a life with someone and not truly enjoy the person?...I cannot stress enough how grateful I am to have cross paths with this man and we always mention or joke about how we met, how everything happens for a reason, and how all the decisions we made that day led us to be introduced.  We both have our own versions of it and we chuckle about it each time but, that is how our foundation started. 

I speak highly of him because I think highly of him.  He understands my mindset and the direction I am taking in life and he respects my space.  We may always just be friends and I am fine with that and he knows this.  It is all positive energy.  I may never divulge any details about our relationship because those matters are between us.  Even some of my close friends just get the basic information about him..."He's fine."..."Everything is great."..."I still like him."...etc.

So, you will not see his face or know his name unless there is good reason for it or if certain events occur.  I fully believe in respecting the privacy of others especially when it also involves my own privacy.  Anything that is revealed openly will because of our actions and decisions together.  Until then...We're good.

Any future questions or inquires about this subject, we are just going to revisit this post. Cool? Cool.

On Another Note: 

People seem to think I have a slew of men calling me or texting me trying to date me.  Well, my response is as follows...

I will admit I am very particular with whom I communicate with, even more particular when it comes to men.  Sometimes when a man realizes I have little time for him, or senses that my interest is obsolete, he usually ends up eliminating himself from the equation.  So no, I do not have dozens of suitors beating at my door, there are no flowers being delivered to my office, my phone is not constantly ringing, and my text message inbox is lackluster.  The only reason I have a lock on my phone is because my children are professional criminals.  (-___-)

In all fairness, I will respond to those who I want to respond to and reach out to those who I feel is worth reaching out to.  If a man does not hear from me, it does not necessarily mean there was something wrong with him...or there could be something wrong with him and I just don't have the patience to tell a grown man about himself...again, I am...particular and somewhat difficult...So, any man who gets upset with me about my disinterest towards him...I don't care. It's not to be heartless, I just have too much else to focus on rather than coddle your hurt feelings due to my choices and standards.