Looking For Trouble

A little revelation about my 2 dreams, if you need to catch up with what I’m talking about go to the post right before this one. There's a few audio clips in there. I still keep having the dreams, except the recent nights, I now think the person I’m calling and the person standing next to me is the same person. With the phone dream, instead of calling the person, I am texting the person and this time the person sent a message back. What was said in the message was the same thing the person in the other dream said to me, but I can’t make out his voice. Sometimes my dreams have a funny way of keeping me wondering until it actually happens in my waking life. Seems cruel, huh? 😏 But at least now I know the two dreams are connected!

Also, another thing I should mention is the whole Keke Palmer fiasco with her partner. I know, I just hyped those two up and now the Usher thing happened and things seem to be iffy between them, but hey I did tell you guys….forever doesn't last a long time! I do see both sides to it, for Keke, she’s out with her friends, she’s feeling good, and she’s just enjoying herself. For her partner, he sees the woman he is with who is also the mother of his child wearing a very revealing outfit and in the face of another man. Look, I wear things all the time that show parts of my body, but I am very conscious of how close I am to a man, even being single. I do hope they find a way to communicate and be cordial even if they don’t stay together.

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“There's such things as good trouble.”

Let's talk about trouble. I do believe if you're looking for trouble, you will definitely find it, no matter what it is. I also believe there's such things as good trouble. We’ll talk more about that in a minute. If you are looking for something to be wrong about someone, you will find it, guaranteed, but don’t go looking for something that doesn’t need to be found, let that sit for a bit, that may mean something different to each of you. For instance, don’t look for something to justify anything you did wrong or could have done better. Like don’t try to pull out someone else’s flaws when you still need to work on yours. Don’t call-out someone else, if you can’t accept being called out. But, if your gut is telling you something is not right, listen to it, because you are probably correct. And at that point you need to decide if what you are feeling is something you can deal with long term.

So let’s talk about “good trouble”. Good trouble is what I call taking a risk, but it’s not causing harm to anyone. Like complimenting someone who you may have some history with, but what makes it “trouble” is not knowing where that compliment will get you, you guys following me here? Will it get you to a happy ending or will it just be words that stood in one place?

So let me share something really quick: Every now and then, I say some suggestive things to a guy I know, I’m not sure if he’s noticed it because I always say I’m joking and the reason I do that is, I am not sure if I want what I say to go any further than just a statement. I’m so cory, I know. I just don’t want to get into any BS with anyone and I’ve been good on my celibacy kick, even though I don’t refer to it as that because my purpose is not to abstain from sex, but more so abstain from getting involved with someone who is going to bring me down as opposed to being considerate to me. My Goods are GOOD right now and I want to keep it that way and I am only willing to share my good with someone who is transparent with me….BUT HELL, I don’t know, one of these days someone might just say the right thing at the right moment…and that’s all she wrote!

Ideally, there is nothing wrong if you want a little trouble here and there, just be careful with how much you may be rocking the boat and don’t do anything that may put you in a compromising situation. Be careful out there everyone.

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Hard Truths

Everyone wants the truth, but can you handle it? (Remember that movie? 😏) Sometimes the truth hurts. Are we justified to being sensitive over it? Here are a list of things to think about and how to not allow them to diminish your confidence or well being.

Ladies, I’m going to start with this one first….

He’s Not That Into You.

I forgot how long my hair used to be. May be time to let it grow again.

You may be gorgeous, independent, and have a lot going for you, but if you only hear from him or see him when you reach out to him, then it is possible you are not in the forefront of his thoughts. Yeah he could be busy and attending to other parts of his life, but if he likes you, he’ll make a way to spend time with you and not just after hours or only indoors where it’s just the two of you, nothing wrong with that, but if those are the only times he is willing to see you then…..ya might want to cut your losses.

• Men are simple creatures, but they have their complex moments. Yeah, it can be frustrating if you really like a guy and he doesn’t seem to like you back the same way. Yet, you have to ask yourself why are you so intrigued by him? Why do you want to be so invested?

• If he’s not randomly calling/texting you and asking about your day or seeing when the next time you are available, which are basic communication principals, then sweetheart…move on. Also, not to be more cynical, but if he's acting questionable, he may have a girlfriend or wife you don’t know about. — Trust me, I’ve seen this with enough men…some of them are my friends 😒. (I’m sorry ladies, they’re out of control, but they are still good people. And Fellas, if you're here too, I keep telling you guys: Tell the woman the truth and let her decide what to do with it.)

• SIDE STORY: Musical Artist, Jeezy, married talk show host Jeanie Mai, recently and while they were dating, my sister mention how good he is to her. How sweet and caring he is to her. The way he looks at her, the way he treats her, etc. My response to my sister was: THAT’S HOW A MAN IS SUPPOSED TO BE TOWARDS A WOMAN HE IS DATING OR LIKES. 🤦🏽‍♀️

*Although, you can take the above information with a grain of salt considering I curved about 7 men since the beginning of this year. And towards the end of last year I was closed off to everyone and everything, so I am not the best source for dating answers. There was nothing wrong with the men, all of them were sweet, wanted to take me out, complimented me, asked to know more about me….I just wasn’t interest. Also, I’m about to embark of something that is going to take up much of my extra time and energy; I'm not confident a man will accept not being a priority.

Your Relationship Failed.

I love seeing a Husband and Wife team; they both equally support each other, protect each other, and speak highly of each other. Humans are not engineered to be alone, that is why there is this underlying instinct for wanting good friends and keeping connected with family. Although, one thing we should open our minds to is that humans are evolvers which also means we tend to change over time including our feelings.

• The 20+ years of marriage or even 10 years are not as easy to come by these days. Why? Aside from opportunities of indiscretion, in my opinion, we have become so engulfed with achieving so many things that we lose sight or interests on what may be good for our hearts. Sometimes we are so far gone that keeping a relationship is just not worth the hassle. Other times, our growth made us become different people and now our goals are no longer the same.

• You can keep doing the roundabout and keep telling each other, “This time we’ll do better.” and sometimes it works, but I am a firm believer that deep down you know what you are willing to do vs. what you are capable of doing and if those two notions are not cohesive, then…Sweetheart, you need to first be honest with yourself and then your partner. And one day, you may meet your true match. (If I get married again, we’re eloping. 🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽 Dear Possibly Future Husband, save the money, let's just buy a duplex and put it on Air BnB.)

People Don’t Always Care When You Are Suffering.

This one may be a tricky gamble, but I'm still going to roll the dice.... I once read something that said, “People don’t reach out to you when you feel alone, they reach out when they feel alone.” — Wow, that hurt, but before your start to development resentment towards people, remember, we all still have to manage our own lives and some of us are fighting through our own demons and we prefer to battle in silence, so we don’t have the mental capacity to hear about someone else’s trauma. Many times when people ask me how I am doing, I give the standard response, “Everything is good.” even though I may be facing a few challenges at the moment. It is not because I do not want to share my life, it is more due to the fact that I do not want others to be concerned or consumed with what I may have going on. Also, I don’t need everyone to deposit their two cents into my life bank.

• When some people are going through troubled times, they seek comfort, someone to listen and give them positive affirmations. If you are at a good place in your life, you do not automatically think to call someone who may not be in that same space because: 1. You may not want the person to feel worse because you are doing so well and 2. Listening to other people’s woes can sometimes take away from your positive elements.

• If you are in a rut, first analyze how you got there, most times it is due to what I call, “self infliction” meaning the decisions you made landed yourself here. So if you made some poor choices, here is the result. Looking for confirmation that better things will come may make you feel better, but if you don’t make personal changes, you will end up at that same crossroads.

Pain Will Teach You, Pride Won’t Let You Learn

*Ladies, I deep condition my hair once a week: A hair mask for 1 hour at the least, sometimes overnight, then wash and dry. Many oil base ingredients are great for your hair: almond oil, olive oil, grapeseed oil, etc.

This one is for ALL of us because at one point or another, we house too much pride. We don’t want to be embarrassed or feel ashamed. We want to be right, we want to be justified, we want to win. AND WE CAN HAVE IT ALL if we allow ourselves to learn from our setbacks.

• Don’t hold on to a mistake just because it took you a long time making it. That is your pride holding on because you don’t want to accept the failure. It is OKAY to fail, it is OKAY to fall. Learn from what went wrong.

• If we knew it all, there would be no growth, no evolution. We would be a mundane society. There would be no challenges, no conversations of something bigger.

You Cannot Force Someone To See That You Are A Blessing

This connects to the first one: You are not made for everything and everyone. Again, YOU ARE NOT MADE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. Sometimes what you want is not for you, but you are still a blessing, let those unbeknownst miss out. Pride plays into this also, you may want what you want, but sometimes you can’t always get what you want. Wait for something better.

• If you are doing right by yourself, by your family or those you care about, don’t worry about that someone may not see in you.

• Even if you know you can elevate a business, a group, a relationship, and you are fully confident about what you are capable of, give yourself to those who will value it.

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The Makings of a Perfect Lover

I use the term Lover a bit loosely without giving you my definition behind it. Some of my friends laugh at me because they believe it is an old English term, but I think it’s useful and has its purposes. A Lover is the blurry area between a friend, boyfriend and husband. And no one is asked to be a Lover, you kind of just fall into the the title.

Bare with me, this can get confusing….

Let’s start with the basics. Everything begins a friendship and what’s a friendship? — A companion you have some things in common with and enjoy sharing time and having conversations with. And even within friendships, there is an element of loyalty and commitment, wouldn’t you say? With a boyfriend or husband there is an automatic defined commitment, yes? With a Lover, it’s not as clear cut. At this point you may be thinking of a more modern term such as being in a “Situationship” with someone…no, a Lover does have some firm definition within its own ambiguity.

A Lover is a friend, but a Lover is not a boyfriend. A Lover keeps the foundation of loyalty in the sense of he is still considering your thoughts and feelings to a certain point. A Lover may or may not show up for special occasions or troubled occasions, but if he is a true friend, he will if he is able to or he will at least give you a call/text to see how your are. For those around you, your relationship with your Lover may look like different things to them — that you two are great friends, that you two are completely fond of each other, or both. And no, a Lover has no obligation to you like a boyfriend, but he still has a soft spot for you and cares for you deeply.

Let me give you a scenario.

If I am in a crowed room with my Lover, we did not arrive together, he does not have to fawn over me, but he does give me slightly more attention than anyone else in the room as if he were an admirer. He may converse with other people, but he keeps a close eye on me. And he doesn’t do anything suggestive with other women in front of me that might get me upset or sway me to distance myself from him. We also don’t have to leave together, I may leave before him, he may leave before me, but he does ensure I get to my vehicle or that I get home safely. And if I do exit before him and he stays behind, his thoughts of me still remain intact in a way that he may now give more attention to other women, but they are still not getting the same treatment as I do. You see where this is starting to get confusing?

Ultimately, a man makes himself a Lover. A Lover will have to make his own judgment calls when I am around and when I am not around. Is he looking for a new woman to share in his affections or is he still infatuated with me? He may not share with people the details of our arrangement, but he also doesn’t downplay it for others, for example, everyone knows there is something between us, but no one knows exactly what. And if we are at odds, will it skew his actions with other women? Will he call someone else to give him special company? And will he still value the foundation of our friendship?

Perfection is a fantasy word and the unfortunate part about a Lover is that he may NOT be a Lover to you tomorrow because there is not commitment of longevity, but that’s where you have to separate the emotions and have mature conversations about what is changing between the two of you.

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The Men We Choose

Friendly reminder that this site is for entertainment purposes only. It’s to invoke intrinsic thought and hopefully encourage people to look at different perspectives.

This post has been in my draft folder since last year (I have a few I still have yet to go through), I cannot remember why I started writing it or what I was going through at the time, but the topic has become relevant again….

Set from JLuxLabel (P.S.. - This is what I mean when I say I’m about to make everyone uncomfortable...him, her, every body.)

Okay ladies, let’s lay it all out. Some of our men problems are because of the types of men we choose or are attracted to. A man is going to act and behave in a way that benefits him, even if it hurts or affects other people. Any of you remember the Donnell Jones song, Where I Want To Be? It’s about a man exploring other potential before deciding/realizing the woman for him was the woman who has always been there from him even when he wasn’t available. Love is a battle field to say the least. There were definitely casualties of war while I was with my children’s father and when I was with the athlete…it was ugly. But looking back, I wanted them for different reasons, silly reasons, superficial reasons, unrealistic reasons. I guess at some point we have to be cognizant of how we are choosing our partners. Yes, the men chase us, but we chose if it is them or not and sometimes it’s…not.

No one is perfect and we make mistakes. Mistakes are the stepping stones in life; What? You think you walk on water and have never done anything wrong to anyone? I have no problem defending someone’s mistakes if I feel they genuinely want to be a better person. Hell, I defended my ex’s mistakes for years until I finally woke up and realized he wasn’t changing…sometimes being the ride or die type of woman will damage you mentally before it effects you physically. There is nothing wrong with standing by a man, just make sure he’s standing by you too.

I guess I believe in more than just second chances. My problem may be that I am too flexible with men. I’m not sure why. — Maybe it is because I was raised by my father (only) and witnessed how much pressure men take on. Internally, men are not any stronger than us, but they are expected to be…maybe that’s why I give them a little more time and grace. So is it that we choose the wrong men or is it that we are more agreeable and understanding than they are? Or are there such things as “the wrong man”?

I guess if we take away the romantic aspect, we are left with who the man is entirely. Just like if a man were to not look at us with any sexual interest, who are we as a woman? In our raw core, are we good people? Are we good to people OR are we good to those who are only good to us? Are we quid pro quo or are we only like that to those we sleep or slept with? So maybe the topic should be not just the men we choose, but also the women that men choose. Why do men choose us? We are emotional, jealous, irrational, overbearing, talk too much, overthink nonstop and…..yeah, I’ll say it…crazy. — Hey fellas, WE can call each other crazy, but you can’t call us crazy, got it🤨? Which leads me to decide that I don’t honestly feel I can ask a man to agree to a special arrangement (see last post for reference: Self-Care, Peace and The V Care). I’m sorry, I cannot bring myself to do it. It’s like being a place card for each other but neither of us are each other’s plus-ones. I may just need to think more on it.

My friend told me if I blink the wrong way this top will show everything. Lol. This is one of those outfits you wear for girls’ night or for someone special.

If I am going to hang out with a guy friend, that’s it, we’ll just be hanging out. I can’t be casual with my intimacy, — I’m either all about you (us) or I’m only about me. If I’m the one making more compromises, that’s not right, don’t have me folding when you don’t even have a good hand (poker reference). I’m a catering person, I like making sure the people around me are taken care of, so if I am sleeping with someone, I not only want to cater to him but I also want assurance that the sentiments are mutual…I don’t want to see you hugging on someone if I was just wrapped around you the other night, because then how am I to know if you’re getting involved with someone else if your eating up the attention right in front of me? — I don’t entertain involved men. There are still such things as STDs😒.

Nah, I’m not choosing any man right now. If he’s confident and strong enough, he’ll need to chose me and present me with something I’m willing to accept, otherwise I can only offer funny conversations and very…. 👀 intriguing outfits😁. I dare a man to approach me with a special arrangement and don’t come with me with any bs. I guess it may have something to do with my inner need for someone to lead and take control. I make so many decisions throughout the day that it would be great for a man to lay out what we are going to do and not make me feel like I’m requiring too much or make me feel insignificant to his life. And with all my current guy friends, I don’t want to change anything with them, they are great the way things are. So I’m not choosing any damn man, he’s going to have to chose me and we are going to go through ALL of each other’s growing pains together. 🥴

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Self-Care, Peace & The V Care

UPDATE 1: Some of you answered my questions in the last section. - Thank you.😊

UPDATE 2: I needed to let the answers sink in before I gave my response…(very bottom).

UPDATE 3: The reader further explained her arrangement with her friend.

Taking care of yourself has become a priority over the years when researchers found that stress leads to many health complications which has birthed the whole “self-care” movement. We see ads, images, and events surrounding around taking care of You. What is self-care? - There is really no wrong or right answer. My definition of it is pretty simple, take the time to yourself, relax, cook, read a book, draw a hot bath, watch some television, etc.

My self-care is about letting go of any ill thoughts that tighten my mind. If something is upsetting me, I walk though it — why it upsets me, what my connection is to it, how important it is to me, and then let it go. Here’s one antidote for example: I was in a text conversation the other day and there was one topic that kept getting brought up (hint: when things keep coming to surface, there is still an issue. If you notice someone continuing to mention the same things, there is still an issue, pay attention to it). There was a point in the discourse where I could feel myself getting frustrated and wanted to be like, fuck this, they don’t value my opinion, I give up, but giving up on things is not a strong suit and I had to pause and think, What can I do to aide this problem? After I noticed that the conversation circled around one topic, I decided, OK, I’m going to fix this and it was a very simple solution, so I pulled the plug on it and it never has to be an issue for this person again. The person also mentioned a separate issue that I am absent minded on, so I cannot fix anything that I am not aware of and I can only do but so much when I’m not the only one involved. Part of peace of mind is to release what binds you. When you think of something and it brings you back to a negative space or your facial expressions, body language or demeanor immediately change, and you don’t find yourself laughing, then you haven’t gotten peace from it. — Think on it, sort it out, and lay it to rest.

When communicating with people, you have to pay attention to what You are paying attention to while also actively listening. — Give and receive, not give and take. I am a very analytical person, I look/listen for the intention of someone’s words, the tone, and the content - what are they trying to say to me and how I am understanding it and is how I am understanding it coming across in a way that it is understandable for them? The biggest problem with communication is that we want to express ourselves and get results for us, but we are not open to hearing what results someone else wants. I don’t want to be like that, so part of my self-care is making sure other parts of my life like my relationships with people is grounded, not superficial and deflective. I don’t always shut people out….and sometimes I make plans with the girls. — We are all so spread out in our lives now, careers, families, etc. that it’s becoming harder and harder to get together.

But it was something that one of you said a few weeks ago that struck a cord….

”On my self-care days, I get waxed, washed up, buy some new Vickie’s and call up a guy and have him come over to satisfy me. I do it once a month. I’m not married, not in a relationship, but I still need my needs met to help me release any pent up tension.” 😯

I never thought to think of self-care in that manner, but this person brings up a good topic…Is self-care also “V-Care”? So if we spend the whole day surrounded around taking care of the 😺 does that then take care of everything else? I think in a previous post we had a guy in the comments say something along the lines of when a woman is upset, she only needs 2 things: Food and 🍆. How true is this statement to any of you? I just can’t bring myself to call up a man and say, “Hey. My House. Tonight. 9pm. Bring pizza.” - I’m sure there is more conversation and finesse to this, but let me run through this…

Say if I am having a bad week or my week was so hectic that I barley had a chance to breathe, I take a few hours to freshen myself up and call in some 🍆??? Is there an app for that? 😂 — I guess there is some good health aspects to….ummm…getting your feminine needs met, but I’m trying to wrap my mind around the concept of using another person to do that. This isn’t like a simple massage where you get some muscles worked out and there’s relaxing music in the background with scented candles….THIS is a completely different massage where you get many muscles worked out 😮 ….and relaxing music in the background with scented candles. Are the men okay with this??? What agreements are there? If I’m inviting the guy over, do I provide the food? Do I let him stay over? Do we watch tv first? How does this all work? I’m so mind blown about this different form of self care. I never thought of sex as being self-care, but it makes sense. Am I late to the game??? Am I being selfish with myself???

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UPDATE #1: Thank you to those of you who answered my silly questions, I have no clue what to think of this. I am in shock and awe. 🤣

“Hey Raya! No you don’t have to do any of that stuff. He can just come over for one reason and leave. If you want to go all out, get yourself a nice hotel, it can be local and have a good night there.”

“YES you are late to the game! LOL. But you don’t seem to be that type anyway so you’re good. Some of us need that v-care to stay sane. It’s like getting your routine oil changed in the car. It doesn’t have to be every month. Only when you are really feeling out of it and the regular self care stuff isn’t working.”

“Girl yes! Get you someone to give you a special massage. It can just be a friend or someone you won’t run into a lot. Those spas can only do so much for us. Have a man you can do anything with and not think anything of it the next day except that he helped you relieve some stress.”

“I’m the one who said that. The guy I call is a friend. He is not in a relationship either and he calls me too when he needs something, so it is mutual. We started making a joke out of it and call it, ‘making an appointment’. We do hang out a little before and after because I like to cuddle and because we are friends we just chillout for a little. I don’t want to feel cheap and he understands that. Sometimes I cook, sometimes he brings food or he cooks. When he calls I go to his place. When I call he comes to mine. After we are done we don’t talk about it. We talk about everything else except ‘the appointment’. Both of us are in our forties and I’m not in the dating scene. I’m not sure if he is because we don’t talk about that either, but when I am over his house I don’t see any women’s stuff so Idk. I am an attorney and he is a doctor so we work around the clock. This deal works for us.”

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UPDATE #2: Ok, so how I am understanding this is the v-care is just as important to self-care as it is to mental health, yes? My conundrum is how would I even present this proposition to a man? If I were to consider this, it definitely would not be a stranger, but surely a friend I trust and who is also unattached. I also very much understand the “not feeling cheap” part, so my other confusion is, would it blur the lines if I called him for other things like for example, helping me put together a bookcase or move furniture? Because if he is my friend, would he not be willing to assist me in other aspects of my life or would I need to call someone else for that? Or if I’m just randomly out, it is good form to see if he wants come hang out with me? I’m not in the dating scene either so the special arrangement does have an allure to it, but I feel like it can be problematic. Women tend to be territorial by default, should there be a discussion on how we act towards each other when we are in public and around other people or friends? If we have a special arrangement then how special should we treat each other when in public? Am I overthinking this?

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UPDATE #3: From the reader with the arrangement:

"Raya, I did the same thing and asked myself all the same questions. I’m an analytical person too. I weighed out the pros and cons and the pros outweighed the cons. I was married before and my friend has never been married. I don’t have kids, he has 2 teenagers. We do hangout with our other friends. Everything is the same with our friendship except for when we have our “appointments”. I didn’t propose anything to him, we were just having fun one night when we were out with our friends and he took me home. We ended up having sex. The next day I called him and said that I can’t have this be something and we talked about it. We both came up with it together. We have been doing it for about 8 months so far. And we agreed that if it gets too much then we would stop because we don’t want to lose each other as friends. If you are going to do it, I highly suggest it’s someone you already know and who is kind of in the same boat as you. Another thing is you have to be honest with each other and there are things that you will need to talk about so none of you gets confused. I don’t recommend this for everyone, just people who work a lot or are busy a lot and still want something to make her feel like a woman.

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Man, A Woman's Best Friend

If you caught my first Vlog, lucky you because I took it down in less than 48 hours 🥴. I told you I'm not too comfortable talking on camera. I have a new found appreciation for YouTubers and Podcasters. And thank you to those who mentioned how I can't ever hide my accent, it's imbedded. For those of you who missed it, I included a summary at the very bottom.

Set from The Daileigh

So, let us talk more about this whole "boyfriend, not a boyfriend" thing. I'm just going to go ahead and call it a "bestfriend" because that's what makes the most sense to me. The concept is a woman has a guy bestfriend who supports her, loves her, is her shoulder to cry on, hangs out with her, and there is no sex involved. I tend to think this is not realistic because I believe the human brain begins to wonder when you get too close to someone, plus…men are…will always be men. In my video I mentioned I have male friends who I confide in and hang out with, but there are limitations such as, we don't speak every day and I don't tell them about everything in my life, and I only hang out with them on occasion, not every week. When I do hang out with my guy friends, I'm cognizant with what I do and say around them, because again, I have boundaries and if I'm not crossing them, you won't either.

Ideally, I would love to call up a guy and say, "Wake up loser, let's go get some coffee." (calling men offensive names is a weird love language for me) or telling him to come over because my garbage disposal isn’t working and I need him to come work his handyman magic because maintenance can’t come by today (this is actually my true life right now). OR when I am out drinking too much and he comes to rescue me from myself…this is not an endearing quality of mine, but I can get a little “too much” when I drink too much. Sorry. 😖 Just give me food and water and put me in the bed. I’m a responsible adult, but I get foolish sometimes. 😇

I still think a guy bestfriend would not work for me. Even my girl bestfriends know I don't like to be bothered too much, hell even people who don't know well know I get into my distant moods. With my personality, this "guy bestfriend" would have to be okay with being ignored a lot and talked sh*t too…a lot 🥴. Sometimes I say things without emotion or laughing, but I’m not serious, it’s just my dry humor and most people don’t understand or take offense. If you are sensitive, you cannot be my friend in any way.

With any male friend no matter how close we are, I'd still have lines you can't cross. Like, you can come over and raid my fridge, but you can't lay in my bed. We can share a blanket on the couch, but your feet can't touch me. And clothes must always be on your body, this ain't a Chippendales, keep your clothes on sir, even if you're taking a shower at my place, don't come out of the bathroom without decent attire on. You have to set parameters with men, no matter you're friendship with them. Because what if I get into a relationship, and this bestfriend comes out of the bathroom shirtless, am I telling my beau, "Oh this is my bestie" ??? I'm sure that will go well 😓. And it's the same for the guy, what if he gets into a relationship and tells his lady I'm his bestfriend?....Does your dad have a female bestfriend and what does your mom (his wife) say about it? (Assuming you have an example of a healthy relationship in your life).

Because even if I were a guy's bestfriend and he's in a relationship, at that point I'd have to understand the changes in our friendship to respect his girlfriend, no matter what I think of her. I think this is what many girls DON'T DO is take a back seat when their guy friend has a new lady is his life. It's like they think it's a competition? Why? Don’t treat me like a stranger or start acting funny around me when the girl is around, I don’t respect that dumb sh*t, still act like my friend, and if she has an issue with you doing that or she doesn’t like when I’m around, it’s a problem of hers not yours. There is a way for a man to still care about his female friends without taking it too far. But most men are so aloof on how to do that, it’s a bit disappointing because women can sense when something is off. I can’t explain it, it’s one of our powers, even with men I’m involved with, I can tell when he’s not being fully upfront with me. It’s a combination of tone, verbiage, body language, and lack of certain endearments.🔮

So when my guy friends are in relationships and he’s vocal about it, tells me about her, seems to be good for him, then I’m aware of her. I have a good guy friend, not a bestfriend, we call each other about once a month and we talk about various things, but I'm always considerate of his wife. — I don't keep him on the phone long, I don't call him at unreasonable hours, and I don't ask him to come hang out. But it's a little reversed for him because I'm single, he doesn't have to think about anyone's feelings if he calls passed a certain hour or asks me to come have drinks. — He can be considerate of Me and my time as a friend but that's about it.

But if my guy friend is dating someone and he is very vague about her, then I’m not really going to be to so open to her because he’s not giving me the vibe that he’s really into her long term. See, there is a science to noticing these things with men. If she’s legit, then I’m all for her. Females should be open to the thought that if it's the right woman for him, she's going to be around a long time even if they argue and split for a bit, if she's not, then he'll figure it out, hopefully sooner than later, and then you can tease him about his poor choices in women 😆. I don't believe in bashing other females, I do believe in calling out guys on their questionable tastes and it works both ways, he can tease me too, but don't let it go too far...I'm sensitive. 😁

It's one thing to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you put "best" in front of the word it puts a whole different meaning to it. So I don't know, I'm still a bit skeptical about this idea. Maybe I'm the weird one😕. Because if a guy is going to be this type of friend to me, he’s going to be my husband or my life long partner and there is going to be sex involved.

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Summary of the Vlog:

1. Someone said I should get a boyfriend who is not a boyfriend, someone who supports me, is my cheerleader, someone I can lean on, and who loves my unconditionally. There is NO SEX involved, so this person is not a “f” buddy or friends with benefits, but rather this a is “coddle buddy” — a person you can go to about anything without judgement and will help you through your struggles. This person is similar to a best friend but more than that, it is no one you are related to, and will most likely someone you are already friends with. I don’t think this type of man is realistic, but I’m open to the thought.

2. When I was processing this information, I thought about all the guy friends I currently have, but there is not one person, male or female, that I call on for everything. Everyone gets different bits of information and conversation topics with me. The guy friends I have are great, but I don’t go to one person for everything. I would love to, but I don’t believe I am capable with sharing all of my secrets with just one person. I also do not cross the boundaries with my current guys friends or change the dynamics for several reason: because I don’t want to ruin the friendship, because of my loyalty to certain people, because of my morals/values, and because I just don’t think of them in that manner. My current guy friends fit my life just as they are and vice versa. A friend I grew up with is very protective of me so when I talk to him about certain things, he takes more of a big brother tone. My friend “C” is a great friend and there are many factors we value about our friendship and the limitations are right where they ought to be.

3. I am still limiting the comment because at least one person keeps leaving very rude comments towards someone I know and it does not matter what my status is with a person, I do not condone talking badly about people I am connected with. I feel like I am a good judge of people and everyone has their flaws, but anyone whom I have cared about or have shared time with is an imprint on life, so to talk about them is to talk about me and saying that I made a bad judgement of character. It does not matter what horrible things someone may say about someone I know, I will make my own opinions and decisions on that person because of what I have experienced with them, NOT because of someone else’s experience with them. I think if people say something enough, then you start to believe it, which can happen and has happened with me. — I hear the same things so often, I start to wonder if they are true or not. But I’m not just a loyal friend, I’m an overall loyal person in the sense that even if I am upset, confused, or angry about something, I am not going to tear you down behind your back and I’m not going to give anyone else ammunition to spin a story that may be even further from the truth. That’s who I am.

4. Until the comments are better handled, you can send your messages through the CONTACT ME link.

Accepting the People

Learning to accept someone for who they are isn't always easy because we innately feel everyone should share the same views we do, hence the war between Vaccers and Anti-Vaccers.

I lost a friend to addiction recently. We weren't close but we were friends and he was always very uplifting anytime I spoke with him. I didn't accept his addiction, but I accepted he had a flaw that I couldn't begin to understand or even have the knowledge to battle against. So anytime we talked I made it a point to discuss all the good things he had going on in his life.

Another friend who I am closer to is a bit of an a--hole and he'll even say the same about himself. He is a very loud, can be overbearing, and a bit rude...he's just very lively. We've known each other since we were kids and he's been the same, so this is part of his personality. I don't speak to him often, but I know if I ever talk to him about a problem I am having he's not going to water anything down for me no matter how long we've known each other. -- To the point where he will hurt my feelings to get something through to me. I've learned to accept who he is because I realized he is someone who isn't going to bullsh-t you. And whether his views are right or wrong, he's still going to tell you what he thinks is best for you. But he has also given me grace; he hated my ex, thought I was too good for him, didn't understand why I was with him, but out of respect of me and my kids, he kept most of his thoughts to himself. He even knew things about my ex that I did not find out until things blew up; he accepted that I was not yet ready to move on to realize I deserved better no matter what he told me, but he continued to be a friend and hear me out, so he's not a complete a--hole.

We befriend people who have back stories that shaped who they are and who they can become. We can encourage people to be better but we can't make anyone do anything. It's the same with those we don't choose, like family and coworkers. We don't always get along with these people, agree with them, or even like to be around them, but we find ways to cooperate with them and accept them. We adjust ourselves to be more reasonable with them, yes?

Think about this, you are hiring someone for a position, the person meets all the criteria, has the experience, strong references, great resume, interviewed very well but, a few years ago this person committed a crime, nothing heinous, but enough to show up on the background check. Do you hold that crime against the person and move on to the next applicant? Does that crime define the person? Same question, different perspective, Do you hold someone's flaws against them when you have evidence they are more than what their faults are? There are people who are "once in lifetime people" and those people aren't perfect but what makes them stand out is the experiences you have with them that you can't duplicate with anyone else because it won't be the same.

Side Story: I interviewed an applicant similar to the one I described above who had an assault charge on his background, I asked him if he wanted to explain the matters of the crime and he revealed that he was protecting his sister from an abusive boyfriend, the boyfriend pressed charges. This could have been a made up story but, I hired him anyway. He is still one of my best employees today.

How do you define a good person? Caring, supportive, understanding, empathetic? Everyone is a good person but everyone is also not. And not to get religious but a sin is a sin, there is not one sin that is worse than the other in the eyes of the All Mighty, it is still claimed a sin. Each one of us carries characteristics that make us not so great, it's how we make others feel that defines our goodness. Going by motivational quotes don't make us good people. They tend to be self-serving and we gravitate to them when we are going through bouts of stress, confusion, or frustration. Many of the generic quotes are contradicting. For instance, there are several versions of the saying. "If it's meant to be, it will be" then there's the thought, "If you want it, go get it. Don't let anything stop you." But no matter the saying, the purpose of those quotes are designed to make us feel better.

In some cases these sayings can help us through our darkest moments, in other incidences, maybe we should stop looking to motivational quotes to justify our behaviors and just own up to what we did and handle the matter.

We are all individual people and I believe different people bring out different versions of ourselves. Our personality is who we are but our attitudes depend on who others are. Get it? Could I sit in the same room with someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. Could I have a conversation with someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. Could I still care about someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. In time I can learn to accept anyone and all their faults but in accepting them I'm also putting up boundaries and restricting the type of communication I have with a person. I don't necessarily believe in cutting people off, I feel like there is an underlining heartlessness in doing that, although I have done it to people the past, I now believe in limiting what I do and say with them. It's a discipline.

You choose what to accept and what not to accept. It is your discretion in life. With people, you have to decide not who they are, but how you are with them.

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That's Just Love

We all have our own definitions for Love and the ways we love people all depends on the type of relationship we have with them. Love is a strong emotion. We love people for different reasons; family, friends, significant others. Love is also a weird emotion, some people are very passionate about it while others are a bit lackadaisical.

The way I love my siblings is not the same as I love my father, and the way I love my kids is not the same as I love my siblings, and the way I may love a significant other is not the same as I may love my friends. We have a different obligation to each person we foster in our lives and we have to balance our emotions accordingly. We can love many people but, not treat them all the same. Think about it, everyone you care about, you have a different way of speaking to them and behaving towards them, yes?

Any why is it some people treat the ones they care about poorly? Is it because they feel that person will never walk away? — I don’t think anyone should be that sure. Or why would you treat someone who you know cares about you badly? I think sometimes people run from those who care because it challenges them to vulnerable too and people are afraid to be vulnerable…because they fear disappointment and heartbreak. Although isn’t the greatest reward the after affects of a great risk? All is fair in love and war. Even if just for a short period of time, when you love someone, in those moments you felt the best feelings; a euphoria. And what’s that saying?

"It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

I noticed when women love people, we act like mothers, “How are you? How was your day? Did you eat? Are your hungry? They weather will be bad, stay dry. Be safe on the road. Call me when you get home. Are you sure that’s safe? Do you really want to do that?…etc.” I think it’s the inept nurturing quality most women have when we care dearly for someone. With men…well, you all are a bit of a mix bag of honor, dominance, gentleman, and bitch.

What I never could understand is in regards to relationships, do you ever see people who are constantly in and out of them? I always think, How can you love someone so quickly, stop loving them and then love someone new in such a short period of time? I’m sorry, but I cannot move on that fast, it took me a little over a year to get back to myself after splitting with my children’s father. I guess I don’t love or fall out of love very easily. — That may be one of my flaws, but at least I’m willing to take some risks no matter how it turns out. There is a saying that if two people split and still remain cordial, they either never loved each other or they still do…that’s a bit of a fine line. Yet, how do you have a friendship after parting ways with someone who you shared plans of a future with? — I guess that’s why people are quick love someone new; so they can forget who they loved before. (???)

As I am more identifying what I like, I think it is best to say that I love traits and characteristics of people and only just like or tolerate the rest of their qualities. And what I love about them may drown out what I don’t like about them.

Generally, what I love in all people are:

• Compassion/empathy

• Thoughtfulness

• Humor

• Humility

• Dressing well

• Great work ethics

• Organization

• Good communication skills

• Not taking offense to my smart-ass remarks

What I love in a significant other:

• Being protective

• Willingness to understand

• Not talking about our personal woes to others

• Doesn’t allow others to speak harshly about me

• Affectionate and Playful

• Being flirtatious, not matter how long we’ve know each other

• Maintaining eye contact

• Answers every part of my messages

• Knowing how to calm me down without telling me to calm down

• Not giving someone else the same attention

• Dominant but also gentle

• Checking on me whether I am in the same room, a different place, or a separate state

• Remembering the little things

• Says “Hey beautiful” when he sees me

• Head kisses

• Proud to have me and knowing I only want him

One specific thing I find really attractive is when a man is so confident in me that if we're in a public place and we arrived separately, other men are talking to me and giving me attention, but at the end of the night, he walks up to me and says, “C'mon, let's go.” and he reaches for my hand because he has no doubt I’ll leave with him. — This has only ever happened once with a past lover and I've never forgotten about it.

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Rejuvenate

“We’re fu-ked up all the time and it’s not because we want to be that way, it's because we’re dealt a hand and guess what, we don’t run from it. We deal with it.” - Rihanna Fenty

Do you believe in second chances or even third or fourth chances? With my most recent experience, I just believe in CHANCES. Everyday we wake up is a new chance and yesterday is never coming back. There is no guarantee we wake up tomorrow so what I felt yesterday may not be what I feel today. We are entitled to change our minds as we are granted new days and we deal with what's right now and make it good or make it great.

Sometimes we go through things that force us to realize what we really want and what's really important to us. Sometimes major incidences give us clarity, such as life threatening circumstances that put you in a position to look above it all.

Do you meditate? I've heard meditation brings you to a realm of clarity or better understanding because you are closing your mind to the living world and opening it to something beyond. Some people see themselves in a different version, other people see possibilities of what lies ahead for them. Meditation is like a dream state, it's a personal and different experience for each person. I do not meditate but, I did have some secluded time where my thoughts were in the stars.

I wrote before about dreams (HERE) and the meaning of what you may see in your dreams; how you can have visions or messages relating to you or other people. I always get “visions” when I’m at a crossroads in life or I am struggling with a problem and I’d have dreams that give me hope and eased confusions. Someone said maybe it’s because I am very in-tuned with myself and people around me. Maybe...or maybe we are in a constant time loop and I keep remembering what has already happened? Maybe it's because I read a lot and my mind is conditioned to the unexplainable. Who knows. Over the years, I have become more spiritual but, somewhere down the line, I lost track of that in the midst of losing myself and now I’m in the process of getting back to it with a new set of eyes. I still like my privacy, want to be left alone most of the time, and won’t allow too many people involved in my personal matters but, I'm more willing to open up about my flaws and my willingness to be a better version of me. The last few days/weeks I've had some interesting visions.

One recent dream involved a birthday cake. It’s no where near my birthday. But, dreaming of a birthday cake is a good sign. Birthday cakes represent celebration of a "new year" hence new changes or a fresh start. It may also be good to mention I had this dream a few nights after a huge blow up with someone and that same person was in my dream but we weren't fighting, we were actually laughing and being very friendly with one another. (Dreaming of people has it’s own separate meanings.)

A few nights ago I dreamt of having, ummm…poop in my hair (sorry for any instant visuals). Of course I thought this was a bad message but, my research stated differently...

In summary, dreaming of having poop in your hair is the sign of an important change in your existence. You are going to start a healing procedure in your life by eliminating all the wrong things and feelings. The fecal matter is the disruptive element that you are trying to get rid of from your life and can also suggest that these changes may affect the people around you.

So both dreams represented changes...well, I did say I was starting the process of getting back to my spiritual self, right? I’m not sure how I distinguish what's a simple dream or what a meaningful dream is, but studies say if you remember the dream then it had a message for you. I can’t explain how I know it, I just know when I see something unusual in my dreams, I sense there's something more behind it.

Another dream I had recently was of my friends and family all together, it was like a reunion or a block party but there was no background, it was all white like a blank sky with no weather or color. Everyone was eating and having a good time and I was just sitting there watching everyone and I saw water lilies. If you read my Dream post then you will recall I dreamt of water lilies before when I was dealing something severe. Dreaming of water lilies means you are going though a time of trial but, not to worry because there will be a rebirth, the opportunity to try again. The water lily in a dream represents evolution from a negative starting point to a positive end.

My 2 children are having similar experiences with their dreams. Not too long go I was in a bad car accident. Months before that happened, both my kids at separate times told me they dreamt of me being in an accident. Odd, huh?

But what does this have to do with rejuvenation? Well, it's all connected, what we do, what we feel what we think or dream about is all connected. What is our purpose in this life? Why do we meet the people we meet? Why we have trauma? What does it all mean? There's no true answer, except that you have free will to live how you want. We're all sensitive to the agonies of existence, but that doesn't mean we are required to hold it against ourselves or others. It's not healthy to ignore your troubles but rather try addressing them so they become less of a burden...and then it's easier to let it go.

Sometimes we can't control high intensity situations, we're not always equipped to make rational decisions in the heat of a moment and we may think back and say, “Well…that could have gone differently.” Yet, we can’t harbor on it forever and when we take things too seriously, we can't let go of what may hurt. Pain and disappointment is real, but it doesn't have to stay with you.

Also keep in mind when someone isn’t opening up to you, they are probably dealing with their own struggles that may or may not have to do with you. While I was in my seclusion someone said to me, “Good people with good hearts never fully leave or let go of other good people...sometimes there is a misguidance and it may just take longer to come back around, but when they do, just smile, welcome them and make new great memories.” We cannot treat our personal relationships like a business, although it may be easier, here’s your pink slip, best of luck! No, our personal relationships have different exchanges, so when someone is ready to wipe off the dust, let them do it and maybe offer some help. Keep giving people your kindness.

Tomorrow is never promised, I know this is a cliché saying, but the reality of it is very true. We never know what today brings and if there will be a tomorrow. So here are some things I encourage:

• Take risks, you will make mistakes, you are human

• Be open to love and love hard

• Be passionate about what you want

• Be compassionate to those around you

• Be in the moment and don't fear where it takes you

• Learn to apologize and learn to forgive

• If it's not dangerous to you and others, do it

• Tell people how you feel no matter what they may say back

• Double, triple, quadruple text (lol) - let them know you are still here

• Call that person

• Don’t give up hope

• Be good to people, be better to yourself

Take the day as it is, whether you do nothing, watch a movie by yourself, go out, you make a new acquaintance, you get a surprise visitor, or you just have a long conversation with a loved one, embrace it all. A friend who I’ve known for several years has been asking to cook for me, one of these days I may take him up on the offer, but today, I’m catching up on Me.

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Loyalty

I believe loyalty is a characteristic trait that not everyone possesses, but I also believe it is a habit that can be learned. I’m loyal to a default, not sure if I should consider it a character flaw, bad/good habit or strength. For instance, for many years I was loyal to the father of my children, not only in the sense that I did not get involved with someone else while we were together but also, I didn't talk about our issues to anyone or speak badly about him to anyone. Now, when we were nearing the end of our union, I did reveal why I had enough but, I still did not speak down about him and even now, there many incidences where I don’t speak ill about my ex. Maybe I give more people credit than they deserve but, isn’t that just an act of kindness? Is this a character flaw? Or bad habits I need to break?

I think for some people, when you care deeply or share significant experiences and emotions with a person, you don't want to do or say anything that may hurt them…even if they've hurt you. — Maybe this is being naïve.

Different acts of loyalty can be mental or physical. I consider both to be just as important as the other. Remember how I discussed not giving everyone access to you in several previous posts? Well, part of that is being loyal to yourself and upholding the standards you've set and another part (if applicable) is being loyal to the people or a person you do give special access to.

Friends who have known me for 20+ plus years know they can entrust in me any secrets, express pain, or just vent and nothing they've said to me will be shared. It’s the same with friendships I’ve recently made. It gives me a sense of security and satisfaction knowing people can trust me with certain pieces of themselves or their lives. — Stay quiet when it is necessary and speak when it’s comfortable.

Sadly, there are those who take advantage of a person’s loyal nature because they feel that there's always a chance of forgiveness and redemption. Not always the case and I wouldn't rely too heavily on mishandling people who are always on your side. — There's a limit.

People who are loyal maybe care a little too much about many things for endless reasons. It is a certain barrier of protection you should have for yourself and those you like/love…that's loyalty.

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For those whom are intimately involved with someone, loyalty can have different definitions. Loyal with your words, loyal with your actions. Everyone’s relationship or situationship is set up differently. I don’t believe in dating multiple people…whatever you consider the term “dating” to mean. And there are people who will argue that if you are not in an actual monogamous relationship, there is no reason to behave as if you are or be loyal to that person…here’s my opinion…Whether casual or consciously committed, if I allow you into my bed, that’s it, you are the only one I’m sharing that with and you are the only one who is allowed special/specific treatment from me. It will stay that way until we have a discussion of severing that tie. And lets not forget, there are still such things as STDs, not to mention the possibility of unexpected pregnancies…not me though, y’all be safe 😁 (So, play around with people’s lives if you want to.) I also do not believe in entering someone’s life knowingly being a disruption or not having and practicing good intentions. — If you are going to come into my life and then be regressive, you can exit the same way you entered…bitch be excited about me like you just met me, just kidding, maybe. 😊

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You Should Open Up More

This may be the most personal thing I ever write on here…

You’ve ever close yourself off to people? Not because you are antisocial, but in the sense that you don’t trust someone to know you completely and if they do, then you don’t trust how they’ll handle what they know about you. Because we know people can change like the seasons, it can be hard to allow someone to see all of you especially if you’ve been disappointed many times before…I don’t even have 1 friend or family member who knows EVERYTHING about me, I choose what I share about myself to each person in my life.

In the passed weeks, maybe a little over a month, I allowed myself to…open up more. I decided to take a little risk and when I finally let go a little bit, I began to learn new things about myself and to be honest I’m quite surprised with my own behavior lately 🙈. I’m thinking things I’ve never thought of before, saying things I’ve never said before, and doing things I’ve never done 🙉🙊…I don’t know who this “me” is, but I like her.

Yet, this change wasn’t without some influence from a person I have known for years.

Do you ever wonder why things happen the way they do? Why things fall apart? Why things take so long? And why this time now is different? STOP IT. These questions have been circling in my head constantly this passed month or so and there is no answer I can give myself that makes any real sense. When good things happen, you just have to accept what is occurring right now and take it all in. — Don’t think about the “whys”.

When I look at this person (whom shall remain nameless) I see someone who has been in my life for a long time, but due to certain incidences we didn’t communicate with one another for about 6 months (the longest we ever went without speaking in all the years we’ve known each other), somehow an old message got redelivered and we began to interact again. The first few exchanges were simple...How have you been? How are things? What have you been up to?…things like that. I still maintained a distance because I was not sure where his thoughts were, where he was at in life, and I brushed off anything that didn’t seem clear to my understanding of what I already knew of him. Our conversations became silly and entertaining as if it were two childhood friends hanging out through texting. He’d send certain messages that would catch me off guard and make me wonder what his real interest with me was (I think I told him once to erase any memories of private details he knew of me 😂). It was like this for a few weeks…mind you, we still have not physically seen each other at this point…he did invite me a out few times to come meet some people, but I was hesitant and I decided to stay in. Then not long after he asked me if I was available that I am welcome to come by a lounge and hang out with him and a few friends on Sunday. I was still reluctant at first because again, we’ve not seen each other in a long time, our last experience with one another was not the best and I saw a side of him that left me wondering, Who did I really know? — I wasn’t sure if I was fully ready for us to come back in each other’s lives, but then I thought, Why not? We’d be out and around other people I know and I should just enjoy the time with everyone. And it felt good to have him invite me. — I knew I couldn’t keep avoiding him 😣.

Here’s a side note: Even though this year was unexpected, I still strived through and kept my peace of mind going. I focused on what I need to focus on and let go of things that wasn’t keeping me on the right path of good energy or taking me away from my values. So when what seemed to be out of no where, someone whom I’ve not spoken to in a long time presents a demeanor that I’ve not seen before, it raises eyebrows and it’s like, “Hold up just a second Sir, where are you coming from, where have you been and what do you want? My life is great, I have my weekly routines: I moisturize my skin, paint my nails, and deep condition my hair on certain days, I like to read and play vinyls, I hang out with my kids, so don’t come in here and fck sh*t up.” 👀 — This was my knee jerk reaction. (I’m not too high maintenance, but I still maintain.)

The initial weekend plans changed a little. We instead saw each other on Saturday which I was not expecting. I figured he already had his weekend laid out and that I would see him on Sunday, so it was a surprise to see a message come through asking what I was doing and saying to me, “If you want me to come out, I can.” — So many times in our recent communication, I would look at my phone, pause, take in a small breath of air, do a blank stare, and think, “Where is this attention coming from? Does he know he’s talking to me? Is he bored?” 🤔

I was nervous to see him, I didn’t know how we were going to act towards each other, if we’d embrace each other, or if there would be some tainted residue from when we last saw each other. — But, there wasn’t any animosity when we were finally face to face, we gave each other a hug and headed out for the evening. We enjoyed ourselves. He either stood or sat by me throughout the night and was giving me compliments and asking if I needed anything. It almost reminded me of the night we first met, but this time seemed…different. I didn't know what to make of him and I kept asking myself, “What is going on with him? What is he up to?” At the close of the night, we did have a little heart to heart. He surprised me with some of his actions and a few things he mentioned made me start to see what his intentions are with me…he’s never behaved or spoken to me like this before which made me wonder even more about what’s going on in his head. 😳

Since that Saturday, our dialogue shifted slightly, still with the silly conversations, but with the addition to other topics of interest. There is now a version on him I’m seeing that he claims has always been there 😂. This version is reminiscent of who he was when I first met him, but more heightened. He is showing a very dominant aspect of him I’ve never seen before, but he is also very attentive, affectionate, and keeps reassuring me that he’s placing me on a certain level that he wants to protect and keep respecting. It’s like the way he speaks to me, the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, the way he handles me, my thoughts are saying, 📣 “Girl, let that man in your life! Forget about whatever you saw before and let him show you who he wants to be for you!“ It’s like I’m battling with myself over this and one of my good friends is always saying to me, “Why won’t you let anyone love you?” I’ve yet to tell her about my recent escapades, but once she reads this, my phone is going to be blowing up! (And just so none of you gets confused, this man and I never dated in the past, he is not an ex, so I’m not recycling old feelings.)

Our interactions publicly have been great, I’m sure people see us together and have their speculations and I’m in the mood of “Let them think what they want”. He and I are in the same playing field when it comes to people having interest in us. I can see the allure of how women look at him or what they may want from him, but neither of us are the possessive or jealous and things that he’s already disclosed to me about other women he’s been involved with doesn’t bother me at all. — If he’s not rekindling anything with them or giving any woman the effort that he is showing me, then why should I be fazed? 🤨 If someone wants to get bold, then it's on him to address those individuals and if there is anything I am upset about, we’ll discuss it in private. He can hug someone (respectfully), chat with her, even get her a drink; we are both people-persons which means we make small talk with anyone and enjoy ourselves. I don’t care to look at his phone, I don’t care to ask where he’s at all the time, and it doesn’t make me feel any different towards him if we aren’t always calling or texting each other. We both have busy schedules and like our mental space, even if he’s out with his friends or around other people, that is still his own time that he needs to keep being himself.

One thing you should understand about people, those who take good care of themselves are able to take good care of others. -- I want to be good to him and him, me.

Okay, so I won’t go too much into the details, but I’ll crack the window just a little this time…The private interactions between him and myself have been…well, I’ve yet to find the words to expound on the things we say to each other when no one is around without being too revealing and again, my thoughts are like, 📢 “Bitch! LET. THAT. MAN. TELL. YOU. AND. LET. HIM. SHOW. YOU!” This man has brought out a side of me I never knew existed. It’s almost like I have two personalities 🙃. My inner voice keeps talking to me: “What is going on here? Are we really doing this? Girl, did you just say that, who are you!? Are we going all the way there?! Did you just let him do that?! What are we doing?! Don’t tell him No! Let him fcking do it! Tell him what you feel! Say it louder!” 😳 Honestly, I’m at the point where he can call me Bitch (in a non-mean way) and I won’t even flinch…You see, I’m not from this generation where everything is so sensitive…I grew up listening to music about selling hard drugs and knowing how to love on women, these kids are listening to music about doing hard drugs and running through women, we are NOT the same…and let me also mention, that song WAP is nothing compared to Oochie Wally.

Back to the person who I won’t mention his name, our aura has been very relaxed, but I think that has much to do with who we are individually…Fam, I even wore sweatpants around him. FCKN SWEATPANTS, A TANK TOP AND SLIDES — IN PUBLIC — WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE ME! No one sees me in my casual look unless I’m out volunteering and even then I’m wearing leggings, a fitted t-shirt, and Timberlands. People who have known me for 20+ years have never seen me in sweats, it’s almost as rare as seeing me in jeans. I don’t even run errands in sweatpants! Who the fck am I right now?! 🤨 I could be wrong and this could all be a foolish game to him, but I do feel like he won’t do anything to harm me or interfere what we have going on right now and I’m not hung up on things other women may be hung up on. If he wants me to stay in his life, he’ll make choices to be sure I don’t go anywhere and he knows I love it when his hands are on me. It’s a whole different feeling when he touches me, whether in public or in private; and when we lock eyes, I only see and feel him.— 🔊 But listen though and don’t judge me….almost every day since the Saturday we first saw each other again, I randomly find myself sitting on the edge of my subconscious dangling my legs off the cliff and I’m just looking over on all of our interactions lately. Every scene is replaying as if I’m watching an old Hollywood movie and I’m being more intrigued every time I watch because I’m catching details that I missed the first time. And I hate that I keep asking myself….Wtf is going on right now?! 😂

It’s hard to process all the “What ifs” in life, but if you don’t ever let your guard down, how will you ever experience what could be the best feelings you've ever known? Don’t you owe yourself that pleasure? I don’t know where this man is leading me, but I’m letting it happen and my guard is definitely descending. — Lawd, please don’t push me off this cliff without a parachute. 😫

---

Stand By Me

Let’s be honest, we don’t succeed by ourselves. Whether it is a team of people who help us work through tasks or if it is just a group of individuals who support us, breaking through the ceiling is not a one man project.

We all have goals we want to achieve. We are able to best achieve them when we have supporters; people who inspire us, encourage us, or people who just seem to always be there to cheer us on. What is success if we are doing it all alone? What is feeling great if we have no one around us to experience it with? What do we need to ensure we reach the top?…People who stand by us.

What are the makings of a good supporter?

• Listen - Hear what plans they have. Lend some advice, but don't force it. When people are excited about something, one of the things they enjoy doing is talking about it. Throughout the process, ask them how their plans are going, again lend your ears. Even when things aren't going as anticipated, people may still need to vent, be a sounding board and dissolve judgments.

• Show Up - Yes, physically be present if possible. I don't know how many times I've pushed passed my sleepiness or made adjustments in my schedule to show up for the people I care about and support their endeavors. If they have a business where goods are sold, buy their products. If they offer services, book them. If they are speaking in front of a crowd or putting on some type of show, arrive. Just being present for people gives them a sense of peace and accomplishment.

• Praise - Let people know how proud and happy you are over them, even if they are still in the process of building. Positive words can encourage people to keep going and continue to do well. If you have a second, make a quick call or a simple text message to say, “You are doing great.”

• Protect - There will always be critics. If someone is speaking negativity about someone you care about, don't entertain it and just sit there, CHECK THEM. You don't have to be rude, but you can simply affirm your confidence over your friend or loved one and how you will continue to show your support for them. There have been times I heard people cast their doubts on someone I support and I made no hesitation to let those individuals know how disheartening it is for people to criticize others without wanting to understand the drive or reasons. People who defend you when you are not around are the best people to keep in your life.

• Don’t Quid Pro Quo - Don’t be one of those people who shows support just to get something back in return. Support because you believe in someone, not because you have motives to gain some form of benefit. Accept the accolades of being genuine.

The simplest things someone does for us or you do for others can have a lasting impact.

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY #BAMA

Sometimes, you meet people who imprint on your life and begin to find connections with entities that connect with them.  All imprints are a lesson and some imprints continue to add impressions onto your timeline.

My life in Texas has really opened my world to this unusual thing called, "Southern Hospitality".  Houston itself is a melting pot of people from all over the US and the world yet, what's interesting is when I meet true southern people.

I do not know much about Alabama other than driving through Mobile one time and getting stuck in f**king traffic for 5, 6 hours! WTF!

But, I have made some friends from Alabama who've imprinted upon my life.

I made my first unexpected friend from Alabama almost 2 years ago.  It was a gentleman whom did not allow me to simply disregard him.  I was my usual self, blunt and abrasive but, my Northern persona didn't offend his Southern Hospitality. 

Initially I thought, What's wrong with this dude? He must like being abused.  Realistically, it is more so, What's wrong with me and why am I so guarded and quick to automatically deflect people? 

Somehow, this Alabama man and I created a unique friendship at which most people wouldn't understand it...but what is for me to understand, isn't for you to understand.

I can identify that I am a little different from others in the sense I do not see relationships, infatuation, or even love the same way as mainstream society depicts it.  I see what makes most sense to me.

I think of my own friends, all from different backgrounds, experiences, neighborhoods, and countries.  We have collectively made a connection with one another because of small similarities that caught our interest but, bigger differences that keep us in each others' lives. 

Our friends are the family that we get to choose.  I inadvertently made so many varying arrays of friendships that my circle is as diverse as my persona.  I love it.

The Mystery

Ever since my initial post "The Stranger" I have been getting an abundance of emails and comments here and there about this 'mystery guy'.  It is not a mystery, he is a friend of mine and yes, we have shared romantic moments but, we still consider ourselves as friends.  And, yes, I do refer to him every now and then.  I empathize that some people may have concern about him for me but, with all that I do share with the world, there is much that I do not share for my own personal reasons...I am the one who is living this experience and although I can appreciate everyone's thoughts, I am the one who has to live out any decision I make regarding my friend. 

I know that it may be difficult for most people to comprehend our friendship but, with having bad memories from my last love spell, I am very adamant about building a friendship before anything else...how can anyone create a life with someone and not truly enjoy the person?...I cannot stress enough how grateful I am to have cross paths with this man and we always mention or joke about how we met, how everything happens for a reason, and how all the decisions we made that day led us to be introduced.  We both have our own versions of it and we chuckle about it each time but, that is how our foundation started. 

I speak highly of him because I think highly of him.  He understands my mindset and the direction I am taking in life and he respects my space.  We may always just be friends and I am fine with that and he knows this.  It is all positive energy.  I may never divulge any details about our relationship because those matters are between us.  Even some of my close friends just get the basic information about him..."He's fine."..."Everything is great."..."I still like him."...etc.

So, you will not see his face or know his name unless there is good reason for it or if certain events occur.  I fully believe in respecting the privacy of others especially when it also involves my own privacy.  Anything that is revealed openly will because of our actions and decisions together.  Until then...We're good.

Any future questions or inquires about this subject, we are just going to revisit this post. Cool? Cool.

On Another Note: 

People seem to think I have a slew of men calling me or texting me trying to date me.  Well, my response is as follows...

I will admit I am very particular with whom I communicate with, even more particular when it comes to men.  Sometimes when a man realizes I have little time for him, or senses that my interest is obsolete, he usually ends up eliminating himself from the equation.  So no, I do not have dozens of suitors beating at my door, there are no flowers being delivered to my office, my phone is not constantly ringing, and my text message inbox is lackluster.  The only reason I have a lock on my phone is because my children are professional criminals.  (-___-)

In all fairness, I will respond to those who I want to respond to and reach out to those who I feel is worth reaching out to.  If a man does not hear from me, it does not necessarily mean there was something wrong with him...or there could be something wrong with him and I just don't have the patience to tell a grown man about himself...again, I am...particular and somewhat difficult...So, any man who gets upset with me about my disinterest towards him...I don't care. It's not to be heartless, I just have too much else to focus on rather than coddle your hurt feelings due to my choices and standards.

Different Languages

What did Tevin Campbell say? "Can we talk for a minute?"

Let's face it, men and women speak different languages, whether it is family, friends, or lovers.  A man may not receive what I say how I delivered it to mean and I cannot assume he will automatically know the intent of my words.  Yet, what I can be aware of is the person of whom I am speaking with.  Depending on your audience, you may have to adjust your speech, the words you use, the tone you use them in, your expressions, your body language, all of that, so there is no misunderstanding but, again....different languages.

So, what if the conversation is through text and someone misinterpreted the meaning of your message?  Again, know your audience, although, in the same sense, your audience should know you as well.  Either way, depending on the connection you have with said person, you may need to decipher whether or not it is worth explaining your meaning or intent.  If the one who misunderstood, lashed out before any clarity, then I suggest accessing the reality of this person in true form and not even invest anymore thought in communicating at all.  Why continue to look at your dirty hands when you can just wash them clean?  Buuuut...it's not my business how you communicate or how frequently you communicate with silly people.  Carrying on...

I have realized that some men tend to forget they are speaking with a woman and say things that just make NO SENSE AT ALL! (Okay, I know I have male readers, I am not a man, so my perspective is purely of a woman and my experiences with your kind.  Sorry but, not really.) And I find myself giving a sideways look or reaction as if to say, "Did this just happen?  Am I slow?  Did I miss something?  Is he speaking to me like that?  Is he serious?"...Then my mind wanders elsewhere..."I wonder if my dry cleaning is done.  Did I pay my car note yet?  What did my boss want me to do tomorrow?"

Here is my disclaimer: I am going to be very frank to any man who is reading this and any man I come across, I don't do the dramatics especially if you are a MAN.  Yes, at times I am overzealous, facetious, and nonchalant, not for reasons of being a woman but, for reasons of where I am at in my life right now.  And YES, I can be dramatic if I want to, why? BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN, it is in my nature and in my contract with God to be an emotional mess when necessary or unnecessary.  Unfair?  Oh well, write a book or pray about it.  And I know for damn sure I am not quiet about my opinions on love and romance at this point in my juncture; ask any man who has had a conversation with me about it.  So if you have an issue, state it.  Whether you feel I am being cold, insensitive, selfish, spoiled, stubborn, whatever, tell me but, please collect your thoughts before hand and make sure your monologue is something I will be receptive to....if I do not respond, WAIT.  DO NOT begin to assume anything of what I may be thinking.  I guarantee you cannot fathom how my thought process works.

If a good amount of time goes by and I do not respond, then contact me again, because if you were not aware, let me educate you, I work, I have two children, I maintain a website, I read, I study, I have friends, I socialize, I live my life accordingly and there is a possible chance that I did not have time to answer you.  Yet, if I consider you a genuine friend, someone I can see a steady connection with, then I do make a point to set time aside to respond (Note: This list of men who I consider in this manner is very small...more like one person whom has been very patient with me, accepts who and where I am in my life at this moment, so yes, this one man does get very thoughtful and thorough words from me and has been just as consistent with his communication towards me.  I do have other guy friends I catch up with from time to time but, they are in a different category from this particular man).

Also make note, I will prolong my response to you if you were in anyway demeaning, aggressive, or shown me a completely unappealing side of you, in which case I may never respond.  So speak to me in the language that YOU feel is correct as a man and I will speak to you in the language that I feel is correct as a woman.  If there is misunderstanding, address it and be patient, or let it all the way go.  I use myself as the reference since I cannot speak for all women but, the many I know concur with these thoughts. 

Adding to the topic of interpretation....

What say you of this? Initially when I read it, I did not understand the meaning but, the statement is left open for you to distinguish your own meaning.

My view of it is both men are behind masks so anyone's face could be under that mask.  Batman represents heroism, doing good for others, making the right decisions, and everything we are taught as children to do or be mindful of.  The Joker on the other hand, represents everything else.  I do not necessarily see him as the face of evil but, more so the face of reality......the reality that the world is not as perfect once we walk pass our mailboxes.  The reality that the world contains so much more chaos then we would like it to have and not everyone is a hero at all times.....not even Batman.  And while you are letting that sink in, let me add another thought for your cerebrum....Batman is always so serious even as Bruce Wayne, just very stern, while Joker is always smiling even when being defeated....and they both seem to have an equal amount of weight on their shoulders.  Yup, let that marinate.

Speaking of marinate...
I was elected to cook this weekend....yup, while I was away from home but, my friend was away from home as well, so no, I did not mind at all especially since the request was pork chops!  Que in Lionel Richie...Hello...

The Placement of a Kiss

A kiss is more than just a kiss when it is from the right person and place on the right location.  I do not know if men realized the affect they can have on a woman just by knowing how and where to kiss her. 

The Neck/Shoulder kiss: Some would consider this a lust kiss or a tease kiss and maybe it is.  When a man hugs you or pulls you close to him and kisses you there, you are definitely more than just friends and he definitely thinks of you as someone sweet or special. 

The Forehead kiss: This is my absolute favorite and the most endearing kiss of all.  To me, this kiss means, I care for you, I adore you, I admire you, I want to protect you, I want you near me, I want you in my life.  When things were good, my ex would give me the forehead kiss while I was falling asleep on his chest and at that quick moment, I felt all the world could be in disarray but, I was at peace.