Supporting Small

There are 30.2 million small businesses in this country, which comprise a whopping 99.9% of all United States businesses (fundera.com). Do you see that number??? 30.2 MILLION Small Businesses in the USA! When you hear about the United States being a land of opportunities, it wasn’t a lie…the hustle is REAL folks. The country has its flaws, but just like family members, you accept them as they are and cater your life according to your personal goals. Oh and by the way…BLACK LIVES MATTER. — There’s too many people I love for this movement not to be important to me.

Skirt - Hanifa Official

Since the Pandemic rolled into town, many doors have closed permanently or facing permanent closures. A business is not an in adamant entity, it’s a passion, it’s someone who put their efforts to bring something to a community. When you head into your local town, almost all of those business are owned and operated be people who live there. SUPPORT THEM.

If you can support major conglomerates like the NFL (me), big name designers (again me), or franchises (also guilty), then you can surely support a local business. Some businesses have a deeper purpose, for instance a coffee shop in the Houston Heights neighborhood in Texas called A 2nd Cup is an advocate to bringing awareness to human trafficking and developing efforts to save and help victims. This is something I wholeheartedly support, not only because it’s inhumane, but I am from a country where human trafficking is a major problem — there are evils in this world that is beyond imaginable and when western cultured men talk about their Asian fetishes, it gets uncomfortable…some of you men are completely oblivious to your own damaging behaviors. I know how I look and how I carry myself, it doesn’t give you privilege to be inappropriate to me, especially when you don’t really know me.

Any who, SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL BUSINESSES and encourage your friends and family to do the same. Ripple effect.

Anytime a friend sends me information on a new business, I don’t make much hesitation to support in some way, whether it’s sharing the info to others or buying something from the business. It’s just THAT simple and makes a whole world of difference to the owners.

A Journey in Tuscaloosa

Best known for their Champion Football Team, Tuscaloosa, AL. is more than just great college of athletes and a renowned head coach. It's home to many locals and implants who decided not to leave. With major corporations like auto and coal mining plants to keep jobs afloat, I see much business growth here. In fact, Tuscaloosa was ranked in the November 2009 issue of Fortune Small Business as one of the "50 Best Places to Launch a Small Business". It’s also a good region for medical professionals, maybe I should nudge some of doctor friends to open their practices out here. I already noticed some areas where gentrification has begun, but you can still purchase a 3br ranch home for around 150k, there may be some renovations needed, but trust me, the contractors here won't break the budget.

Middletown, DE

Tuscaloosa reminds me of my own childhood town that was set away from larger cities and was basically it's own community. As a kid, I remember telling myself I was not going to be stuck in a townie mindset becoming a hostess at a pizzeria or a sales girl at the local retailer and living out my life comfortable staying in my tiny zone. No, I had bigger aspirations. Although, now my little home town where I'd used to walk to the corner store after middle school has exploded in population and added several major restaurants, stores, small businesses, and schools — So it's not as mundane as I remember it. Tuscaloosa is on the same track with an estimated 2019 population of 101,129, with high-rises being built and innovators wanting to bring more vivacious elements to the city, but the area is still great for those looking to groove into the simple life. There’s already a Home Depot and a Target so the basic necessities are available. The closest Whole Foods is about a hour away, BUT each Saturday the Tuscaloosa River Market hosts local vendors and their fresh produce — a personal favorite.

You may be wondering how I ended up out here. Well to put it simply, there was a need for me and I came and while here I began to do some research. What? You think I was going to sit here dwindling my thumbs waiting for entertainment to stroll my way? — Plus, there is a bit of a bargaining tool on the table for me to look into a program at the University…It also doesn’t hurt that their famed mascot is a sister representation of the National Animal of Thailand. The Elephant in my culture is celebrated for its incredible strength, durability, longevity, and symbolizes good fortune.

Bryant-Denny Stadium

It's interesting and exciting to calculate the potential here. I was poked fun of when I wanted to see a movie at the local cinema and I was disappointed that you’re unable to pre-select the seats nor do the seats recline…yeah, talk about being pretentious. Diversity is dependent upon what area of town you're in and let's not forget, this is still Alabama, the mecca of the Civil Rights Movement, but Tuscaloosa has proven to be more open minded than other southern cities. Unfortunately, I still stick out like an outsider, but everyone I’ve met has been very sweet and welcoming. The closest major city is Birmingham (also where the closest airport is) with several suburban out-skirting cities so residents aren't closed off, they have options if they choose to take the ride. — Being in a car for up to a hour is a breeze for me and a great opportunity for day trips.

The nightlife in Tuscaloosa is one to be discussed. The downtown area is where much of the activities are outside of UA campus parameters — Unless you like being around college aged people, there is a lively strip of watering holes closer to the campus. There's a slew of bars and small eateries to delight in downtown, but I shall warn you, not all restaurants are open throughout the day. Many of them are only open for lunch and dinner rushes. You still have your usual franchises like Chick-a-Fila and Chipotle, but for more spots unique to Tuscaloosa, you'll have to wait until the golden hours start. I see this changing in years to come as the population grows and businesses have more motive to keep longer hours. Although, to my understanding, football season is when the town makes most of its profits.

With the wake of COVID-19 I saw a few places suffer and sadly some won't recover. Yet, the Phoenix raises from its ashes correct? One of my favorite bars called, Sessions, was still fairly new, only opening in late 2019 and I believe they are managing well. I've not been by there to chat up with the owner to see how business is — I'm hopeful. (I actually have not been out and about the town lately, because everything is so close quarters with students moving in and out from all over the place, I’m a little nervous to interact with people here.) A noodle place I liked called, Pho Town, ended up closing it’s doors well before the pandemic, I think it had much to do with not enough marketing and again, the lack of diversity in some areas. Maybe I'll open up a little bistro or social lounge of my own here, something to ponder on, but no hasty decisions during this time, I've still got seeds to plant elsewhere. 

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Comfort Food: Mangos and Thai chili sauce dip 🌶

Chili Sauce Ingredients:
6-8 chopped Thai peppers
Hot chili oil
Grounded dried chilies
Crushed garlic
Sugar
Lemon juice
Fish/Oyster sauce
Cilantro (optional)

**Taper measurements to your liking**

This is Not a Dating Place

Dress: JLux Label | Shoes: Calvin Klein

There is all sorts of inappropriate behavior in the workplace. Many of us are immune to it because we are not offended by it although, it doesn't excuse bad behavior. Bad behavior...by policy guidelines.

I'm sure somewhere in your employment history, you've discussed religion and politics or have overheard coworkers immersed in conversation over those topics. And at happy hour, you may have gotten to chummy with someone in another department. Be very careful with what you say and do outside of the office, sometimes people will interpret the wrong message. As personable as I am, I keep my lines very defined between business and personal.

So then, what about dating in the workplace? Is it still a taboo topic? Do we not address it at all until it affects the business? More often than not, I hear of employees dating each other and it becoming a debacle. When the news gets to me, it's like an episode of Jerry Springer and I'm trying to separate two feuding children. I don't know who is right and who is wrong but, I know they can't work together or further cause disruption in the workplace.

Usually in many companies fraternizing with coworkers is frowned upon because it can lead to a shift in performance. Not to mention pursuing your employees is also a big risk and can do damage to your position. Keeping it professional is the expectation. Anytime I hear of a colleague take interest in someone at work, I voice my concerns and tell the person to be careful of their actions.

About 85% of the people I work with are married and the other 15%....No, thank you. Again, I don't mix business with pleasure and I certainly don't interfere with a marriage...for those of you who think little of someone's marriage, see my disgust on the topic HERE. (One should never be so voided of reality and morals to want the attention of someone's spouse. With all the people in the world, you want the one you can't have?) I understand people will do as they desire, but I don’t have to accept it for myself.

We've heard stories of the high power CEO making way at the young receptionist and the brawls between two women who are seeing the same executive. Humans, I tell ya, animals.

Is it worth it? I suppose I can understand that you see these people more often than you may see your friends or family and you become well acquainted with the people you work with. You have similar interests and joke with each other to get through the day. Maybe my thinking is too strict, but unless I was married to you before we began working together, than I have no interest in a relationship with anyone I work with. And how do you date someone who works for you? It's like you are paying them to be your companion, do they get extra benefits for good performance? Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm being facetious. I do however agree that women should date across and up, but not down, and for the sake of my argument, we should still date outside of workplace. Ladies, if you want him that badly, find another job or have thick skin for the scrutiny you may receive.

Now with so many dating sites that you can maneuver through right in the palm of your hands, you can sort through thousands of people in your area (Not me and don’t look for me. I signed up for one dating app for a few months in 2013, I got tired of it pretty quickly. I didn't have a bad experience, I also wasn't expecting much. I did meet some nice people, some of whom I've become friends with and still keep in touch with, others realize they weren’t getting anywhere with me and found their own exits. I'm currently not a member of any dating apps. If you see my picture, then my dear, you are being catfished. That has actually happened before. A story for another day.) You also run the chance of seeing your coworkers on these sites and other people you know from different places. A friend of mine once matched with his professor, awkward.

But how do we separate our personal interests from our professional domains? Are some of us not able to control the chemical imbalances that urge us to act like primates? Am I the outcast here? Because I don't look for romance at my place of business? If I work with you, above you, or for you, I'm most certainly not interested in you. I feel it to be an uncomfortable notion. Although, there are people who've met at work, married one another, and....well, I don't know those endings for no one in my circle has married someone they worked with. But I'm just going to go on to say, it's a safe bet not to date people you work with.

Related articles: Business Woman to Business Wife | The Busy Woman | The Boys Club

"Power Couples"

UPDATED: 03/07/2020

(Happy Valentine's Day. I feel like this day gets more pink and red each year. That's okay though, it's for us ladies anyway.) To those of you who are single, continue reading to the bottom for a message.

In my photographer life, I've captured a good amount of couples. Those madly in love, those newly engaged, those expecting, etc. But the couples who intrigue me the most are the ones building conglomerations together and seem to be...perfect. You know the types of people I'm talking about; the man who has the strongest presence in a room even if he's being silent and the woman who seems intimidating to approach even if she's being personable. They are not just the beautiful people, they are individually interesting, confident, charismatic, and powerful in their own right. Entertainment Society has termed these people who come together as "Power Couples".

Their definition is not referring to two people working and coming home to the usual "How was your day, honey?" types of conversations. It's referring to couples who are in the public eye, whether locally in their communities or nationally on a wider plain who inspire, encourage, and support one another in their personal and professional journeys. The couples who show up for each other. The couples who show their pride in their partners. The couples who push each other to achieve full potential. The couples who have loaded agendas....this sounds like any healthy couple, right? The Power Couples are usually people who have a strong sense of business fundamentals and have a vision to keep moving up the ladder whether it's in a corporation or within their own endeavors. They have a cohesive vision to plan, invest, and excel...together.

Outside from being a Power Couple, legitimate relationships aren't hidden from people. Private, Yes. Hidden, No. A couple may not share the details of their union, but they shouldn't shy away from letting people know they are together. If you are seriously involved with someone and being treated like a stranger or less than a partner when you two are around others, then you're not in a relationship, you're in what the younger generation calls, a "situationship" and that's a completely different dynamic.

I am a firm believer that a good friendship is the foundation to a great romance. You wouldn't hide your friendship, would you? If a friendship is one sided, unbalanced, and conditional, then don't expect it to be anything better if it becomes something more. For any relationship to thrive there needs to be a healthy level of love, respect, and admiration for each other. And the best way to do this is to SHOW it in your actions. We prove by doing, not by saying.

The forehead kiss is one of the most loving forms of affection for any type of relationship. (I've discussed this in extreme detail on my personal site a few years ago.) My young son has even started doing this sweet gesture with me. I may be exaggerating, but the forehead (or top of the head) kiss is a sign of admiration, love, and protection. To be clear, I'm not in any form of romantic affair and not entertaining the idea of anything close to one, (Yes World, there are women who keep themselves to themselves for reasons that are unique to them, respect it), so anytime I receive a forehead kiss it's from good friends, and it makes me feel that these people appreciate having me in their lives and if something is ever wrong with me, they would want to know or try to help me through it in some way. Sweet, right?

Here's a little something personal about yours truly: I'm not always vocal about where I am until after I've been there. More often than not, I take last minute trips for myself, by myself. Some people have jokingly referred me to "Carmen Sandiego" as a result of my disappearing acts, but I always maintain contact in some shape or form. Not too long ago there was a matter where I was almost completely inaccessible...(*sometimes when you are great at doing something, it causes others to feel threatened because they weren't given the opportunities you were. Hard work doesn't go unrecognized...or unpunished.) Only a handful of people were made aware of my location and was able to reach me through other channels. Many of my friends who could not reach me became concerned and two of them moved around their busy schedules to seek me out. They knew exactly how and where to find me, which was impressive since I wasn't in any of my common places. I don't think I've ever been hugged so tightly before and given so many forehead kisses. They stayed a few days and reminded me each day how important it is to always have a way to stay touch with ALL of my loved ones no matter what was going on.

I say all this to point out that loving someone begins before being in love. Being present for someone and supporting them is another way to show someone you love them. Even though the two friends who showed up for me were platonic friends, I want elements of their affections for me to paralleled with how my partner should care for me. And unfortunately, people can fall out of love, but at least you know what you liked when you were loved. To be this so-called Power Couple, or any type of couple, loving your partner is just as important (if not more important) as being in love with your partner; you two should at least like each other, right?...because if both of you are very busy, confident, driven, and ambitious, losing sight of each other can have an adverse effect on many of your goals. And depending on how you communicate, there may be times of a power struggle. Practice listening and compromising. Ultimatums are not always the best solution. You wouldn't go into a business meeting with equal partners and have only one thought process or strategy, would you? If not, then give your relationship the same attention. You can be powerful alone or you can be powerful together.

In a related post, I discuss dating age gaps. Interestingly enough, the age of you and your partner coupled with your phases in life can have an impact on how your relationship succeeds or suffers. Read more HERE. I also discuss the concerns of dating in the workplace HERE.

*For the Singles: Own being single. You are not alone, you are with yourself, change the narrative of how you acknowledge being single. Be confident and comfortable with your time and space. I've notice in the last year that my standards have only been going up and there is nothing wrong with that and I don't care what critics may say, I'm not settling for anyone who doesn't match my energy and I don't care who makes more money, as long as we keep making efforts for each other. I've been building upon business in other cities/states (image shown). I am extremely focused on how I want my life to be. Even with my personal assistant "S" moving to another country to begin her career, with her help, I have been able to better organize my time and delegate my tasks, yet I'm still very busy. I'm in a "No One Is Allowed To Touch Me" phase and I take pride in being there. I know I'm too amazing of a person to not at least get 80% from someone (80/20 Rule theory) or even 70/30. In a previous post, I talk about investing in people and deciphering between good and bad investments, here's a tip: investing in someone else's marriage is a not great investment see HERE, there's about 5% of happy endings in those scenarios.To invest in others is to also invest in yourself. Take yourself out and vibe with new people. Many strangers who I've met have either became associates, friends, or just good conversations I remembered from those interactions. Sometimes we put too much expectation on making an encounter more than what it really is or needs to be. Let it flow.

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Speaking of being supportive and showing it, on Super Tuesday, the Nation saw how Jill Biden is 100% for her husband. *This is NOT a political message nor does it represent my political views.*

Jill Biden blocked protesters who interrupted her husband's speech to supporters.

Why I frickin LOVE this image:

1. Jill didn't step aside, she stepped up! She was not having it and from the look on her face she probably would have went further if others didn't come in to remove the woman from the stage. (There were 2 protesters).

2. I smirk at Joe's almost nonchalant demeanor because he probably knows his wife is not one to mess with.

3. Jill's face said, "Not today, little girl. This is MY HUSBAND'S time."

4. Jill's face also said, "Catch me outside."

Your loved ones, whether it's your partner, your family members, or your friends should be just as supportive and protective of you as Jill is with her husband. We all need a Jill in our lives. Be like Jill.

She's a Jersey Girl raised in Willow Grove, PA. 😊

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Adieu 2019

Dress: JluxLabel | Tote: The Little Market

What did 2019 teach you?

Did you begin a new job, career, relationship, family…or did anything end for you this year?

Before we start, take a look HERE to review what current events happened this year. Remember anything? How did any of it effect you?

Personally, there were two and a half months that were my gut wrenching with still some residue today. I made some choices against my heart and allowed my head to take the lead…let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. Would I have been okay with choosing the latter?…Yes, of course, I would have made sure of it. But, those few assholes of months were mentally and emotionally challenging and since I am not one to point all blame towards others, it was some of my subconscious decisions that put me there…even if others are not aware of their choices, I’ve still got to take ownership for mine; self awareness.

Although, those months also opened different opportunities for me which are coasting into the new year…I see myself hosting many dinner parties. So yeah, 2019 and I had some battles but, not without a few blessings in between, and I’m still pulling my weight through.

To be fair, I am in good health, I didn’t lose any good friends, my career has not had any hiccups, my cars have all good tires, and my bank card never declined, so okay, this year wasn’t terrible. I suppose maybe nothing AMAZING happened to where I can write off this year as one to speak highly of. Don’t get me wrong, I had good moments but, the not so good moments won the gold medals.

Top: Forever21 | Skirt: Shein | Bag: MCM

When I speak with others, 2019 was not a best year for them either. To those of you who had a spectacular 12 months, drink a glass of sour milk! Just kidding, congratulations, you did everything right, sprinkle some pixie dust on me so I can fly through 2020. But for the rest of us, why did 2019 treat us like this? Did the planets not align correctly with the stars? Did I pick up the wrong crystals? Because I didn’t burn sage throughout my house? Because I missed moisturizing my face with rosehip oil each night? I curse too much? What is it?

Some people I know took some major loses this year, personally and financially and others didn’t go through any change at all; like my one friend who keeps going in circles with his relationship knowing his ladylove won’t change but, hoping one day she may. He just keeps trying and holding on even though they break up every 2-3 months…I don’t know why some of you men are so intelligent but yet, so fckn stupid at times. And my friend is a very successful, highly attractive, well-spoken, no baggage, dresses nicely, good teeth, and comes from a good family. Yet, I’ve seen him go through at least 2 failed relationships over the years while working on this third one (the first one, he messed up and admits to it but, his pride won’t let him go back. The second one, she was too young; in her twenties and still focusing on her studies. My dear friend is in his late thirties, not a large gap in age but mentally, they are at different stages in life. Although, I do like the second girlfriend the best and there is a good chance she may come back around after she’s lived a little more, but he has to be rid of his current situation first.) I just want to pluck that man’s forehead sometimes.…and WOMEN are supposed to be the confused ones??? I have another friend who counts the time that has passed since she last spoken with her…whatever he was. Listen folks, if you come to me with your relationship concerns, I’m first holding You accountable for your behaviors before I consider assessing your partner’s behaviors. Don’t waste your coins calling me if you don’t want to discuss your bad habits.

…I’m not perfect and when people ask me why I’m single, I’m going to start responding with this: “Coaches don’t play, now do they?”

It’s almost like 2019 was a dud for some of us. It was present just to be present which forced us to do or not do, ya know what I mean? Yet, we cannot have made this trip around the calendar without taking something from it, right?

Hmmm….

Let’s mention the basics, we cannot dictate what happens to us or around us but, we can control how we react to what occurs and what we do not change, we are accepting. Do you know why great comedians are great? They learned to laugh at their pain. They learned to take what tried to break them down and turn it into humor to help offset the disappointment. Some claim it to be a form of therapy. I’m not a comedian, but I do try to make light of dark matters. I…we, have to, otherwise we continue to be burdened and tormented by the heartache. Who wants to keep doing that? I hate feeling sad and I hate for others to see me in that state as well, I rather laugh at my own expense than not to laugh at all.

Honestly, 2019 taught me what I already knew and known, I just needed a hard reminder and a choke hold of reality.

Okay, so what if you didn’t face any turmoil this year and you also didn’t have a great year, what happened? Did you just…exist? If so, is that what you are planning to do in 2020? We are starting a whole new decade. How do you want the next 10 years to be? What can you do differently? Short term goals vs. Long terms goals, yup they are still a thing. I write mine down and make adjustments when necessary. Don’t change the goal, change the path that takes you there.

Look at your life/future in three different categories: Money, Love, and Career/Business. Are you making enough to live the life you want? Be realistic. Is your relationship fulfilling and going in a direction you feel is conducive? Or if your are single, does being in a relationship even make sense for you right now? And are you happy professionally? We have to take a hard look at ourselves and reflect. Don’t expect others to make the changes you want to see happen.

One major thing I did differently this year, I created a finance/expense/net-worth spreadsheet….Ouu chile, lemme tell you! The biggest trips I took this year was to Neiman Marcus, Saks 5th Ave, and Happy Hours. When I saw the number of what I spent this year, I was ashamed! My broker told me at the least, I need to stop buying out VIP Sections…Ummmm, sure okay. Look, as hard as I work, I play even harder, so keep up…but I agree, I do have to clam down a bit. (Friends and Colleagues, if you love me, don’t leave me unattended with my card or cash. Thank you in advance. )

Even if you have a financial adviser, it is still a good idea for YOU to review your finances often. I created my spreadsheet from scratch with knowing how to create certain tables, charts, and formulas. If you are not familiar with excel, here is a Net Worth Calculator tool that will give you an idea of your financial stability. Another tool I use frequently is a Money Management App that I have downloaded on my phone. It’s called “Expense Manager” by Bishinews (image shown above). You can set up the app where reoccurring expenses and income is automatically recorded, or you can do it manually each time you spend or make money. The app takes the data and creates charts and spreadsheets separating your expenses by category (if you set it up that way). This tool is wonderful at showing me what I am spending each day, week, and month. Lastly, Credit Karma is very helpful. I’ve been using CK for years. It gives you updates on your credit score and will notify you with changes in your credit report. I also have a credit monitoring through my bank, Hey, money may not always make you happy, but it certainly buys things that can.

Dress: JLuxLabel

P.S. - Drink plenty of water and Louis Vuitton is now open in Market Street in The Woodlands, TX.

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Sharing Finances

I have a personal rule: “Don’t talk finances in casual conversations.” This means that I do not discuss what is in my bank, how much I make, or the fine details of my investments. The only time I feel it proper to have this type of dialogue is with a broker, a business partner, and/or a spouse. I have learned that when people start to know how much you have or how much you spend, they begin to categorize you by that dollar amount. I recently caught up with a childhood friend and we were discussing our fields of work. He proceeded to ask me what my income amount was and my response to him was, “I do well.” I know my friend had no ill intentions with asking me that question and although he shared details of his wife’s and his own income, for me Finances are Personal; I make it one of the very private sectors of my life. If I am ever struggling with money, I am going to confide in someone I trust and who I know can help me, like an accountant who can analyze my expenses, tell me where I need to stop spending and how much I need to save. And if I purchase something that is deemed “expensive” it’s because I made certain choices that allowed me to treat myself or my family.

We do live in a flashy society and people tend to value you by the things you have and further think about what you can do for them. I will admit, I am guilty of this; when I hear of someone talking about investments or wanting to build a business, I become intrigued and think about how this person and I can benefit one another. (Okay, maybe this isn’t so bad if I’m considering the advantages for both sides. I like business and I like profit sharing.) Unfortunately, there are people who only look for their own benefits….which is the main reason why I don’t like to talk about money with just anyone. Right now, no one but the government knows how much I rake in each year, not even my dear father.

Although, if I find myself in a relationship, I have to think about how my finances may affect his, how his may affect mine, and how both of ours can work or not work. You do not want to be involved in someone else’s frivolous debt or bad decision making with money because then you end up paying for it all if you plan to keep the relationship…but if you do not mind doing that, by all means go right ahead, who am I to tell you what to do with your money?

I wouldn’t say to talk about our credit reports on the first date but, at least after 6 months to a year we still cannot be so wrapped up in the beauty of romance that we forget about the overall “bill”. Once we identify that we want to grow together, we’ve got to talk about our financial stability. Is only one of us paying? Are we splitting anything? Are we co-signing? Is what’s yours, yours and what’s mine, mine? What types of debt do you have, if any? Credit cards? Student loans? What’s our FICO scores? If we cannot talk about money, then we cannot have a real future together, so let me Venmo, Cash App, or PayPal you my half of this love affair and I’ll go my own way. Let’s not linger because we got comfortable.

Not only are finances personal, but it can also be a sensitive topic. If your partner squirms anytime you mention dollars, that might be a sign of concern. Address the issues before they become bigger problems. Fellas it’s one thing if you want to gift your sweetheart with a nice surprise but, if she is asking you to buy her a pricey handbag, do you think about if she can afford it on her own? Does that matter to you? Or does it make you feel chivalrous to present your lady with flowers? (But we ain’t talking about flowers here.) Yet again, who am I to tell you what to do with your money? *Stay-at-home moms and wives, you are excluded from this topic, continue to love your husbands.

[According to a recent survey of 191 CDFA professionals from across North America, the three leading causes of divorce are "basic incompatibility" (43%), "infidelity" (28%), and "money issues" (22%).] Here is another article that talks about the top reasons for divorce and yes, Money makes one of the major reasons. Personally, I do not like conflict, it causes anxiety, but I will speak my piece when necessary. I like to think I am reasonable; I am an advocate of making your best attempts to be good to people even if they may not be so good to you, but that's all perception. If I do have conflicts, it is usually due to a misunderstanding of some sort and we all know that misunderstandings come from lack of communication. It all connects, folks.  Don't just assume I "understand" if we have never discussed all the details. Sometimes what is unsaid can become misleading.

Read through some other articles that give insight and tips on when to talk about money when dating. You don't want to talk about it too early but, don't ever avoid having the money talk.

1. When should you talk about finances in a relationship?

2. 4 Ways To Talk About Money When You're Dating

3. We Should Be Talking About Money With Our Partners — Here’s Where To Start

4. When to talk about money in a relationship

5. 5 Important Money Talks Every Couple Should Have

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Business Woman to Business Wife

Would you change your career for your partner? Or stop working completely? This was a recent topic of discussion among my friends and I; single, married, and engaged.

My simple answer is, Yes.

Yes, I would consider changing the direction of my career, but if I end my career for him, I am not going to stop working. I am either going to take on business projects with him or I am going to find a hobby that brings me income.

Some of you who know me may be thinking this goes against everything I stand for: Independence, Working Women, Women in Business, etc. No, no, no…I am still very much advocate for those things, but when you are in a partnership, a commitment with someone, you lay out all your thoughts and plans in which the two of you want to follow through with. If believe in my partner and he can afford to carry both of us, plus our family, and there are factors in our relationship that I can cater to better, then yes, I will change my direction, but he will also need to understand that I will still remain lucrative. If I am choosing to give up a my salary, the salary that has allowed me to cover my financial responsibilities and grants me to do all the things I enjoy doing, there is going to be a reasonable compromise, whatever that may look like for us.

Many single women have learned to maintain themselves without Prince Charming (by the way, most of us prefer the Prince who thinks he’s a Frog over the Frog who thinks he’s a Prince. Let that sink in for a bit), so it may be hard for some of us to make adjustments. We have conditioned ourselves to obtain the necessities without the man, so Why would I want to share my closet space? Don’t lose hope fellas, be patient with us, for not all of us are lost into the black hole of estrogen dominance…Just build her a bigger closet.

In another posting, I mentioned the different standards with men and women and the stigma that surrounds their responsibilities. The men provide, the women comfort. And really, women are a bit tougher, yeah we may be more emotional and most times we aren't making much sense, but of the two sexes, we were granted to ability to bare children and withstand the many levels of struggles and triumphs life can throw at us which includes, knowing when and how to coddle a man who wants to be comforted more than he is willing to admit.

In a 2013 survey, 43% of women quit their jobs after marriage because they now have a new role, new responsibilities. I do not fault women who chose to do this. I know plenty of couples who have been successful with separating roles. For some duos, it is beneficial for the marriage for the wife to be home, the kids do not have to be in daycare and are better attended to, the wife manages the home and activity schedules, possibly helps organize the finances, etc. You take on those stairs, I’ll take on these, and we’ll meet at the top. And there there are relationships where the roles are conjoined, We both look over the finances, we both tackle the issues, we both maintain our home, we both work on projects together, etc.

There are plenty of things wives can do to 1. Support their Husbands, 2. Stay Lucrative, and 3. Maintain Knowledge of Business Practices. Here is a take from a divorcee who says, "Married Ladies: Don't Quit Your Day Job." Although, how you chose to keep stability in your married life is a personal and private discussion with your spouse. What may work for you may not work for others.

Working women have acquired several useful business skills in their careers that can be helpful to her husband, her marriage, her family, because with most of us, the definition of a wife is not someone who only cooks, cleans, and raises the children; the definition is being a Partner which means that we discuss big decisions that may change the dynamics of our lives and we come to an agreement that we are both comfortable with.

The same concepts in business will still apply with our relationship: Why? Because it is a Partnership.

• We do not discuss problems outside of our partnership unless it is an unbiased source (There may be some exceptions depending the seriousness of the issue and who we are sharing our personal business with.)

• We do not speak ill of one another to other people (I once read something that said, “The weakest thing a man can do is talk badly about his woman to others.” And of course it works the same way with women.)

• We take the time to talk to one another about changes in plans or goals (If we have to “call a meeting” with each other, then so be it. We both need to understand each other to be a benefit to one other.)

• We do not make final or permanent decisions without the other

• If we are continuously at odds and cannot seem to meet in the middle, then we need to consider dissolving the relationship without any added stress

When you allow someone into your life, change will happen; work together towards the best. You don't let something go that you already know is great to see about a different possibility. You make what's great even greater. (Read that again, some of you missed it.)

For those of you ladies who are married or soon to be married and there are talks of you leaving your employer, here are some tips and advice to consider:

• Give your boss at least 2-4 weeks notice depending on the depth of your position and how long it may take to train a replacement.

• Be honest about why you are leaving. You want to focus on your marriage and family. Maybe your spouse has a more lucrative offer in another city or state. (A friend of mine is soon to be married and her fiance has an offer to an elevated position in another city a few hours away, I told her, "Honey, you better put in your notice and let your husband be great so you can be great together!")

• See if there is a possibility of you to work part time or as a consultant, especially is your role requires a lot of skill that may take more than 4 weeks to train someone new. Plus, you never know, consulting may be something you can take on to stay in the business loop.

Here is a article that has a sample: How To Resign From Your Job Due to Marriage

Sidebar: For me to make compromises he will need to be spectacular and do the unexpected. For instance, if you tell me you are stopping at the store and want to know if I want anything and I say No, get me a candy bar. Twix. Spectacular does not have to be extravagant. Although, surprising me with a weekend getaway would be nice too. Balance.

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Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”

Stand By Me

Let’s be honest, we don’t succeed by ourselves. Whether it is a team of people who help us work through tasks or if it is just a group of individuals who support us, breaking through the ceiling is not a one man project.

We all have goals we want to achieve. We are able to best achieve them when we have supporters; people who inspire us, encourage us, or people who just seem to always be there to cheer us on. What is success if we are doing it all alone? What is feeling great if we have no one around us to experience it with? What do we need to ensure we reach the top?…People who stand by us.

What are the makings of a good supporter?

• Listen - Hear what plans they have. Lend some advice, but don't force it. When people are excited about something, one of the things they enjoy doing is talking about it. Throughout the process, ask them how their plans are going, again lend your ears. Even when things aren't going as anticipated, people may still need to vent, be a sounding board and dissolve judgments.

• Show Up - Yes, physically be present if possible. I don't know how many times I've pushed passed my sleepiness or made adjustments in my schedule to show up for the people I care about and support their endeavors. If they have a business where goods are sold, buy their products. If they offer services, book them. If they are speaking in front of a crowd or putting on some type of show, arrive. Just being present for people gives them a sense of peace and accomplishment.

• Praise - Let people know how proud and happy you are over them, even if they are still in the process of building. Positive words can encourage people to keep going and continue to do well. If you have a second, make a quick call or a simple text message to say, “You are doing great.”

• Protect - There will always be critics. If someone is speaking negativity about someone you care about, don't entertain it and just sit there, CHECK THEM. You don't have to be rude, but you can simply affirm your confidence over your friend or loved one and how you will continue to show your support for them. There have been times I heard people cast their doubts on someone I support and I made no hesitation to let those individuals know how disheartening it is for people to criticize others without wanting to understand the drive or reasons. People who defend you when you are not around are the best people to keep in your life.

• Don’t Quid Pro Quo - Don’t be one of those people who shows support just to get something back in return. Support because you believe in someone, not because you have motives to gain some form of benefit. Accept the accolades of being genuine.

The simplest things someone does for us or you do for others can have a lasting impact.

The Busy Woman

Him: Can I take you out to dinner?

Her: No, I don’t have time.

Sound familiar ladies?

Over the years a certain breed of women have stopped waiting around to be “saved” and decided to save themselves. What does this mean exactly?

It means we have prioritized our lives to put our needs first. Although, please understand that the needs of each woman differ from one to the next. Some of us want to be head of major corporations, some of us what to invest in start-ups, some of us want to travel the world and help others. A post on PsychCentral details 6 Reasons Women are Too Busy. The post was published in 2014 but, it still holds relevance and lets just go ahead and pile on the reasons for those of us wanting to make waves in business.

I’m not sure how it happened but, something just clicked in our brains that the Cinderella stories are far and few in between. This does not translate to all busy women being single women. No, a married woman can still have just as much drive especially if her husband encourages her business spirit. There are not too many men who understand the scope and reasons why a woman wants to be proactive with making her own lane in life, even if her lane is beside his. Some men just prefer woman to stay in the shadows, but there are women who want to be more than just a man’s wife. So ladies, if you have a partner who supports your ambitions without him creating an overcast on you with his own goals, hold on to him, that’s a rare specimen. Yeah, he may want to protect you, but he should also hear you out.

It’s funny, at times when I am at networking events or if I stop somewhere after work to decompress before heading home, I get approached by men who seem to have a preconceived notion of what type of woman I am.

• The Kept Woman (A rich man’s wife)

• The Gold Digger (Looking for a rich man)

• The Spoiled Naive Daddy’s Girl (The temperamental woman who must have her way)

I humor their ignorance on occasion, but for the most part, if I tell you about myself the first time and you do not get it, I’m not likely to have the tolerance to explain myself several times, nor should I, especially when I did not come out to meet a suitor anyway. How you perceive a woman will not necessarily change because she tells you differently; you are either open to understanding her or you are not.

However, I will admit I do appreciate it when men want to be of assistance like when a passersby offers to load my groceries into the car, hold his umbrella up for me even if it means he gets rained on, gives up his chair for me, sees me putting air into my tires and comes to take over the task, help me reach a high item, or lend a hand to carry my bags (luggage, backpack, laptop bag) into the building. I guess that is part of the “Damsel in Distress” ideal and a man wanting to be the hero, can’t complain, but gestures like this are quick and usually without expectation of anything more than just being a decent human.

Busy women juggle many thoughts that lead to an infinite number of tasks. Our brains can be a souffle of madness at any point of the day. Let me give you a quick rundown of what occurs in our silence or stillness:

• Careers: Where am I, Where do I want to be, How do I get there, What do I need to reach that level, Am I highlighting my skills, Am I keeping myself valuable to the company, Am I meeting expectations

  • Entrepreneurs/Small Business Owners: What is my vision, What is my business structure, How much do I want this to grow, Do people clearly understand what I do, What marketing tools do I need, What team do I have, Is my licensing in order, Am I putting aside enough for taxes, Who is my accountant, Do I know the legal perimeters, Do I have the correct insurance

• Education: What do I still need to learn, How much is needed, What is the cost, How long will it take, What needs to be adjust to complete this, What do I plan to do with this, When is that paper due, What day is that exam

• Kids (if applicable): What are the children’s schedule, Where do they need to be on what days, When are their check-ups, Are they eating enough, Who are their friends, What activities are they involved in, What are they understanding or not understanding, What types of choices are they making

• Husband/Spouse (if applicable): What is his schedule, When are we able to have time to ourselves, Is he overwhelmed, What kinds of decisions is he making for the relationship or family, Does he feel supported, Am I communicating well enough

• Meaningful Friendships: Am I reaching out often, Am I being empathetic, Am I being supportive, Am I listening

• Finances: What has to be paid, When is payment due, How much is due, What’s in the budget, What needs to be recalculated, What amount needs to be set aside, What are the stocks doing, What does the retirement fund look like, What is the savings plan

• Health: Am I eating enough, Am I eating the right foods, When is my next check-up, How much am I exercising, How often do I need to exercise, Where do I go, When can I go

For single women - With all this above, what time do we have to entertain men who want us to appeal to their lives and not consider what we have already created. For critics who say, “You find time for what you want.” Okay, that’s fair but, I am going to get my to-do list done first because he’s not going to be the only one who brings something to the table.

For non-single women - If you are doing all this alone, get yourself a new partner. I prefer a busy man, but if I’m married to one, I expect his level of busy to match mine and we will share some of these responsibilities If I mention to you that my car is making a weird noise, you know where the key is, take the car to the shop and get it checked out, and it would be nice if you get it washed on the way home.

By no means am I discrediting a man who may be just as busy; I was raised by a single father of three with me being the eldest. I know some of you men can have a lot on your plate too, but remember the expectations of what a woman should do and what a man must do is contrasting. We are held to separate standards and we are not placed on leveling pedestals. This may be a bias statement but, women hold the burden of taking care of those around her on top of what she still needs to do for herself.

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If you feel you do not have the patience for a busy woman, she probably did not send for you anyway, so step aside, you are blocking her path.

The Boys Club

Business is still very much a male dominated entity.  This article goes further into similar thoughts mentioned in a previous article, Business Gender. Even though the workforce is almost half female.  In 2017, statistics reveal that 47% of women make up the workforce in the United States, and only 39.8% are in management roles.  With some companies, the higher the ladder, the fewer the women, which may be why in the past 20 years, there has been an 114% increase of women entrepreneurs.  More than 11.4 million businesses in the US are women owned creating at least 9 million jobs across the nation.

But, why do some women go the route of opening their own business?

Several reasons:

• They feel undervalued

• They are overlooked for promotions

• They are being overworked and underpaid

• They want to be more involved with business operational functions (other than being a receptionist, a data clerk, or an administrative assistant)

• They want to be part of major decisions

• They are tired of their concerns being “swept” under the rug

Although, let’s dig in about why women may feel this way.

Men have developed a camaraderie with other men, a “Boys Club” so to speak.  This is nothing new, even the first President of the Unites States was a Mason.  Men were always granted a level of power just for having a…well, you know the emoji I’m referring to, while a woman was to feed him and prepare his clothes.  Women are held to a degree of being catering but, not held to a degree of being business savvy.   It was the idea that women were not intelligent enough to think outside of the home, so why would a man place her in a position of responsibility that involved making major decisions of a company’s growth and wealth?  And dare not let a woman earn more than him, egos would be damaged and we must protect the ego of a man. (Refer to Dorothy’s mood).

It is no surprise men feel more comfort around their own, women do as well, it is nature; birds of a feather flock together. (Although, some men think women’s groups are cute and a way for women to be entertained with shoes and mimosas during brunch...Sir, sit all the way down.)  We are all aware of organizations and memberships just for men….Fraternities, yet not all groups classify themselves as such.  There is an automatic subconscious bond that reassures men to other men, “I’ll look out for you.” Remember The Little Rascals movie?  The “He Man Woman Haters Club” is what the boys called it.  They held meetings and discussed pranks they played on girls. The leader, Spanky, felt girls were a nuisance and did not want any of his members to be involved with one.  Let’s translate this….

Is there an unspoken thought that women are the downfall of a man’s progress? Maybe the wrong woman, but that’s just my 2 cents. YES, some of you men make some horrible decisions, aht, women do too, I'm not waging a war here. Do men feel that women are a hindrance? Are women a distraction in business? Do women decrease productivity? Do women negatively effect the goals of a business?

That all depends on how you utilize a woman and how you involve her.

Considering the growth of the #MeToo Movement, I can empathize why men now want to exclude women from their business circles especially men who mean no harm and want no trouble. Let's be honest, much of you successful men have a lot to lose if you are accused of mistreatment and I don't deny that woman can be vicious, some of us are disgracefully vindictive. I apologize and I have no excuse for this.   But, let’s also be clear, some of you men are pigs, and the #MeToo Movement is necessary to highlight and stop true abuse.  Yes unfortunately, there are still men who deem women as leisure objects; pretty things to look at and do away with when done. Granted, there are women who do not know their own value and allow this type of man to treat them in a disgraceful manner.  Although, let us not dismiss a limited breed of men who place women on a high pedestal where we are treated as precious treasures to be respected and protected. We appreciate these men for continuing to be delicate to our psyches and understanding that woman are far more than arm pieces but, Chivalry is topic for a non business related discussion and there are many layers to why these noble men behave the way they do.

In a different perspective, there is the concern some men may have when working with women.  When men and women work closely together a slight personal relationship can develop, sharing weekend stories, comparing parenting notes, exchanging relationship advice, etc.  It is possible for a man to think to himself, “Am I too getting too close?” “What if she takes offense to something I meant innocently?” “What if she is misinterpreting our work relationship?”   With these types of concern, Men and Women have to create boundaries within the workplace, especially the married. You don’t want your husband or wife to pop up at your office and drag your co-worker or employee out to the parking. Although, I am a firm believer of “a woman knows who she marries”..but that’s another topic for a non-business related discussion. You can act on your animal instincts if you want to but, getting too personal can become problematic in the workplace…or anywhere else for that matter.

Yes, I can understand why Men support each other, especially in business, we Women support our own as well, hence the #MeToo Movement and mass amounts of women owned businesses.  BUT, are there some cases where men support other men simply because they are men?  And not because of performance, trustworthiness, confidence, and achievement of expectations?  You may not agree to this thought but, I am going to spell it out anyway....

There. IS. a. double. standard. in. business.

If a woman is firm with her orders and directs a man to complete a project, she is considered cold, harsh and well, let's just say it, a bitch. Yet, if the orders were coming form a man with the same temperament, the reaction would play out differently. If the goal is to get the work done, why hesitate and become sensitive when a woman gives the directive as opposed to when a man giving it? Let me tell you why...it all goes back to our natural views, the views that are embedded into us as children and throughout our growth in society...and that is, men and women travel in separate lanes. The speed limits are different, the road signs are different, our detours are different. I hope you are following this analogy, if not, I'll make it more simple. Men and women are not equal in the sense that we are both engineered differently. Whether you are religious or just have a traditional way of thinking, women are the soft and pink beings while men are the strong and dominate ones, so to have a woman be in a position of authority subconsciously alerts us to react differently. Be mindful on how you react though, you can behave in an insubordinate manner and think, How dare She tell me what to do. Or you can understand that a task needs to be done and the expectation is set for everyone to adhere to. Another disturbing reality is that there are also women who do not want to work with other women or see them in elevated positions. Yup, sad.

If you think I'm speaking of things I know nothing about, consider this experiment I did. I applied to several different employers using 2 different resumes. The ONLY difference between the resumes were the names. The first resume was my initial name, "Raya Laephuang" while the second resume read, "Ray Laephuang". All other information on the resume was the exact same. I'll let you take a guess at which resumes received the most call backs.

This is business and by all means, keep your Boys Club, just don't act like women are incompetent and can't help you attain goals.