Are Mothers Ruining Their Sons For Future Relationships?

Let’s dwell on this a little.

When he was 6 months old.

My youngest is a boy and I’m always doting on him. When he was a toddler, I would rub his back until he fell asleep. I’d go out of my way to get him the toys he wanted and anytime I am out of town, he requests that I come back baring gifts and I do. He is not really a picky eater, but he likes what he likes and if he asks me to make his favorite meal, I comply — his PopPop (my father) does the same for him. There is a particular dish he likes that I make and he won’t ask or allow anyone else to make it for him. I always tell my son how handsome he is, how smart he is and I hug on him all the time. I allow him to take over my bed or change the channel if I am watching a show…Am I doing too much?

About a year old.

My daughter who is a teenager got the same treatment when she was his age, but I am aware boys and girls mentally develop differently. Both kids have debit cards connected to my account and anytime they ask, I transfer money to them, we have family dinner or bunch dates and there are times when only my daughter and I head out to do things together, so don’t think my son is getting the upper-hand over my daughter. I am teaching my daughter to grant herself the life she wants and not to accept anything less than she deserves, so no Applebee’s dates for that young lady, she likes scenic patio dining. There is a difference in how you love each of your kids, but for a boy, am I teaching my son this is how a woman should treat him?

My father claims both my children are high-maintenance especially my son. (Yet, my dad doesn't like it when I remind him that he raised me and my siblings the same way. Even now, anytime I get sick, guess who I'm calling?)

Hold on though, I also teach my son to open doors for girls and compliment them. Every now and then he’s say to his sister, “You look beautiful.” and sometimes when getting in the car, he’ll open my door first before getting in himself, and he LOVES my sister (probably more than me), their relationship is very tight. All his teachers at school say how sweet and caring my son is, so I must be doing something right, Yes?

Once when my son was 2 years old, I was out of town and my sister sent me a picture of him playing on his piano with a picture of me propped up in front of him. — He missed me. My boy still acts the same way when I am gone and with how he has been growing, I am so proud of my little man…even though he’ll be taller than me in a few years, I’ll still pinch his cheeks and tickle behind his neck. You should see how he looks now, he’s passed my shoulders and can practically pick me up.

When he was about 18 months old.

I just feel like since he is still so young, that I need to cater to him the way that I do. He is very self sufficient for his age, but I want him to be comfortable and to feel loved…is this too much mom-ing? I don’t want him growing up and dating a girl and expecting her to do all these things I do for him (I’m going to have to teach his future wife how to make his favorite meals). His father used to make comments, “my mom did this, my mom did that, my mom, my mom…” and there were certain reasons why he said such things, but at times it was unnecessary. Yes, a woman has her place in the relationship, but so does a man.

It used to toil in my mind when men would ask, “Can you cook?” and I’m like, “Bitch, can YOU cook? Feeding yourself is a survival skill, not a gender role. And can you build a house? A dining room table? Can you put together a shelf? Do you know how to clean a bathroom? How about using a lawnmower? Do you know when trash day is in your neighborhood to put out the cans the evening before? Can you change a tire or the oil, do you even know how to check the fluids? Because I know how to all of that.” — So you see, I can spoil my son and still embed into him what he should also bring to a relationship. But I cannot be sure what type of man he will be until he reaches those stages in life.

Goodness, if he becomes like any of these men I know today….I am in so much trouble!

Business Woman to Business Wife

Would you change your career for your partner? Or stop working completely? This was a recent topic of discussion among my friends and I; single, married, and engaged.

My simple answer is, Yes.

Yes, I would consider changing the direction of my career, but if I end my career for him, I am not going to stop working. I am either going to take on business projects with him or I am going to find a hobby that brings me income.

Some of you who know me may be thinking this goes against everything I stand for: Independence, Working Women, Women in Business, etc. No, no, no…I am still very much advocate for those things, but when you are in a partnership, a commitment with someone, you lay out all your thoughts and plans in which the two of you want to follow through with. If believe in my partner and he can afford to carry both of us, plus our family, and there are factors in our relationship that I can cater to better, then yes, I will change my direction, but he will also need to understand that I will still remain lucrative. If I am choosing to give up a my salary, the salary that has allowed me to cover my financial responsibilities and grants me to do all the things I enjoy doing, there is going to be a reasonable compromise, whatever that may look like for us.

Many single women have learned to maintain themselves without Prince Charming (by the way, most of us prefer the Prince who thinks he’s a Frog over the Frog who thinks he’s a Prince. Let that sink in for a bit), so it may be hard for some of us to make adjustments. We have conditioned ourselves to obtain the necessities without the man, so Why would I want to share my closet space? Don’t lose hope fellas, be patient with us, for not all of us are lost into the black hole of estrogen dominance…Just build her a bigger closet.

In another posting, I mentioned the different standards with men and women and the stigma that surrounds their responsibilities. The men provide, the women comfort. And really, women are a bit tougher, yeah we may be more emotional and most times we aren't making much sense, but of the two sexes, we were granted to ability to bare children and withstand the many levels of struggles and triumphs life can throw at us which includes, knowing when and how to coddle a man who wants to be comforted more than he is willing to admit.

In a 2013 survey, 43% of women quit their jobs after marriage because they now have a new role, new responsibilities. I do not fault women who chose to do this. I know plenty of couples who have been successful with separating roles. For some duos, it is beneficial for the marriage for the wife to be home, the kids do not have to be in daycare and are better attended to, the wife manages the home and activity schedules, possibly helps organize the finances, etc. You take on those stairs, I’ll take on these, and we’ll meet at the top. And there there are relationships where the roles are conjoined, We both look over the finances, we both tackle the issues, we both maintain our home, we both work on projects together, etc.

There are plenty of things wives can do to 1. Support their Husbands, 2. Stay Lucrative, and 3. Maintain Knowledge of Business Practices. Here is a take from a divorcee who says, "Married Ladies: Don't Quit Your Day Job." Although, how you chose to keep stability in your married life is a personal and private discussion with your spouse. What may work for you may not work for others.

Working women have acquired several useful business skills in their careers that can be helpful to her husband, her marriage, her family, because with most of us, the definition of a wife is not someone who only cooks, cleans, and raises the children; the definition is being a Partner which means that we discuss big decisions that may change the dynamics of our lives and we come to an agreement that we are both comfortable with.

The same concepts in business will still apply with our relationship: Why? Because it is a Partnership.

• We do not discuss problems outside of our partnership unless it is an unbiased source (There may be some exceptions depending the seriousness of the issue and who we are sharing our personal business with.)

• We do not speak ill of one another to other people (I once read something that said, “The weakest thing a man can do is talk badly about his woman to others.” And of course it works the same way with women.)

• We take the time to talk to one another about changes in plans or goals (If we have to “call a meeting” with each other, then so be it. We both need to understand each other to be a benefit to one other.)

• We do not make final or permanent decisions without the other

• If we are continuously at odds and cannot seem to meet in the middle, then we need to consider dissolving the relationship without any added stress

When you allow someone into your life, change will happen; work together towards the best. You don't let something go that you already know is great to see about a different possibility. You make what's great even greater. (Read that again, some of you missed it.)

For those of you ladies who are married or soon to be married and there are talks of you leaving your employer, here are some tips and advice to consider:

• Give your boss at least 2-4 weeks notice depending on the depth of your position and how long it may take to train a replacement.

• Be honest about why you are leaving. You want to focus on your marriage and family. Maybe your spouse has a more lucrative offer in another city or state. (A friend of mine is soon to be married and her fiance has an offer to an elevated position in another city a few hours away, I told her, "Honey, you better put in your notice and let your husband be great so you can be great together!")

• See if there is a possibility of you to work part time or as a consultant, especially is your role requires a lot of skill that may take more than 4 weeks to train someone new. Plus, you never know, consulting may be something you can take on to stay in the business loop.

Here is a article that has a sample: How To Resign From Your Job Due to Marriage

Sidebar: For me to make compromises he will need to be spectacular and do the unexpected. For instance, if you tell me you are stopping at the store and want to know if I want anything and I say No, get me a candy bar. Twix. Spectacular does not have to be extravagant. Although, surprising me with a weekend getaway would be nice too. Balance.

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Raya Laephuang

Writer | Photographer | Intrigued with Human Behavior

“I read the world around me.”