Hey Raya

In the early years of this site, people would ask me questions and I’d give my input. A few of you have done this recently and I don’t want to fall back into those types of publications again, but I will share some from time to time. Here is one from a long time reader.

Hey Raya,

I'm in a little dilemma. A few posts ago you talked about giving people chances. I was messing with someone last year and I'm not sure how or why we stopped. I always felt confused with him. Some days it seemed like he was in love with me and other days he made me feel like I didn't matter to him, so we just stopped talking all together. I was hurt. I thought things would be great with us but I could never figure out what he wanted and there were always other girls around him. You talk about a woman should know her value but it made me feel like he wanted to talk to them more than me. He recently hit me up last week. We started texting back and forth. I miss him but I don't like how he left things with me. People can change right? It's been a year but I don't want to go through the same thing. Any suggestions?

Dear Reader,

I have a similar experience. I knew a man for several years, for the most part we enjoyed our time together, but we also didn't see each other a lot during the beginning of our friendship so we made the most of it when we were in each other's company. Although, even during that time there were periods I felt like he didn't want to be bothered with me at all. We had a few blips, but we managed through it. Some time later, our dynamic changed and we had more opportunity to see each other often. The first few months were great, but then it seemed like he was back peddling his feelings and contradicting his words. It didn't make me feel great and I began to noticed things that made me question who he really is, but I remained loyal to him, it's one of the hallmarks of my personality -- staying good to people even with uncertainty. Then there was something major that happened to me and I didn't hear from him. I got through my hurdle and I got over the hurt from his absence and decided not to hold it against him. When your heart gets stitches and scars, you determine how it affects you and others. I still reach out to him every so often, there's been blips with that too, but like you, I don't want to go through the same confusion so at best I keep it simple. A mutual acquaintance of ours said to me that I’m not that guy’s type and when I was given some examples, I started to really think about it and realized that person seemed to be right.

I say if you are going to meet your guy, have caution. Ask him the hard questions about what happened between you two last time. Sometimes the hardest conversations are the one we need to have with people. Be honest with how you felt then and how you feel now. Also, really identify what exactly you miss about him and don't romanticize the good parts so much that it overshadows the bad parts. The bad parts are important too. Acknowledge any faults you had because you can't point fingers without some pointing back at you too. Yes, people do change with time. And remember, a relationship doesn’t define you, at the very least it is supposed to be a benefit to your life and make you feel hopeful, encouraged, supported, and appreciated.

In all actually, you really can do whatever you want with the man, it's not anyone else's choice to make. It's up to the two of you. If you both want to start something again, great, but make all your intentions clear so neither of you are blindsided and have routine conversations about it especially if anything changes.

---

Are Mothers Ruining Their Sons For Future Relationships?

Let’s dwell on this a little.

When he was 6 months old.

My youngest is a boy and I’m always doting on him. When he was a toddler, I would rub his back until he fell asleep. I’d go out of my way to get him the toys he wanted and anytime I am out of town, he requests that I come back baring gifts and I do. He is not really a picky eater, but he likes what he likes and if he asks me to make his favorite meal, I comply — his PopPop (my father) does the same for him. There is a particular dish he likes that I make and he won’t ask or allow anyone else to make it for him. I always tell my son how handsome he is, how smart he is and I hug on him all the time. I allow him to take over my bed or change the channel if I am watching a show…Am I doing too much?

About a year old.

My daughter who is a teenager got the same treatment when she was his age, but I am aware boys and girls mentally develop differently. Both kids have debit cards connected to my account and anytime they ask, I transfer money to them, we have family dinner or bunch dates and there are times when only my daughter and I head out to do things together, so don’t think my son is getting the upper-hand over my daughter. I am teaching my daughter to grant herself the life she wants and not to accept anything less than she deserves, so no Applebee’s dates for that young lady, she likes scenic patio dining. There is a difference in how you love each of your kids, but for a boy, am I teaching my son this is how a woman should treat him?

My father claims both my children are high-maintenance especially my son. (Yet, my dad doesn't like it when I remind him that he raised me and my siblings the same way. Even now, anytime I get sick, guess who I'm calling?)

Hold on though, I also teach my son to open doors for girls and compliment them. Every now and then he’s say to his sister, “You look beautiful.” and sometimes when getting in the car, he’ll open my door first before getting in himself, and he LOVES my sister (probably more than me), their relationship is very tight. All his teachers at school say how sweet and caring my son is, so I must be doing something right, Yes?

Once when my son was 2 years old, I was out of town and my sister sent me a picture of him playing on his piano with a picture of me propped up in front of him. — He missed me. My boy still acts the same way when I am gone and with how he has been growing, I am so proud of my little man…even though he’ll be taller than me in a few years, I’ll still pinch his cheeks and tickle behind his neck. You should see how he looks now, he’s passed my shoulders and can practically pick me up.

When he was about 18 months old.

I just feel like since he is still so young, that I need to cater to him the way that I do. He is very self sufficient for his age, but I want him to be comfortable and to feel loved…is this too much mom-ing? I don’t want him growing up and dating a girl and expecting her to do all these things I do for him (I’m going to have to teach his future wife how to make his favorite meals). His father used to make comments, “my mom did this, my mom did that, my mom, my mom…” and there were certain reasons why he said such things, but at times it was unnecessary. Yes, a woman has her place in the relationship, but so does a man.

It used to toil in my mind when men would ask, “Can you cook?” and I’m like, “Bitch, can YOU cook? Feeding yourself is a survival skill, not a gender role. And can you build a house? A dining room table? Can you put together a shelf? Do you know how to clean a bathroom? How about using a lawnmower? Do you know when trash day is in your neighborhood to put out the cans the evening before? Can you change a tire or the oil, do you even know how to check the fluids? Because I know how to all of that.” — So you see, I can spoil my son and still embed into him what he should also bring to a relationship. But I cannot be sure what type of man he will be until he reaches those stages in life.

Goodness, if he becomes like any of these men I know today….I am in so much trouble!

Let Him Lead

As independent as women have become over the years either by force or by nature, we are sill NOT men. Let the men be men.

No, I am not advocating to set women back to the kitchen and to stay there, I am advocating sensible gender roles. A man is masculine; a woman is feminine. I do not mind making sure a man eats or prepare a plate for him before I feed myself, although, if he is a gentleman, he’ll make sure I eat as well.

In traditional dancing practices, men lead, correct? Men hold out their hand for the woman to lay hers upon and then the gentleman leads his lady to the dance floor to begin the waltz. As strong willed as I may be, I prefer a man to lead the way…well a man who has a good sense of direction, I won’t be led to oblivion.

Ladies, please be aware when a man is taking you the wrong direction.

• You are losing money, bills are not being paid, etc.

• You are constantly questioning his behavior or he seems unstable

• He is making you second guess yourself or your values

• He is asking you or expecting you to compromise your well being

If we share a home, I expect him to be head of the household and make choices that is best for us, although I’d like to be included in the decision making process. Even if we don’t share a home, but we are still in a committed relationship with a promising future together, I still want to be involved in what plans he may have. You see, part of being a good leader is getting input from those you are leading to ensure you make the best decisions for everyone. Talk to me about what is on your mind. Talk to me about any confusions you may have. Talk to me about an idea that could benefit us. I need for him to think things through and think about how changes would affect the both of us and our family. Yes, that IS the responsibility of leading a home, making sure we ALL come up together…otherwise, I KNOW I can do better by my damn self.

Let’s be clear, it is not only allowing him to lead, but it is also being sure that he is capable to be the leader and if he is not, should you really consider a relationship with him? Ladies, let’s not be o blinded by his image, his p——, or a few sweet gestures, that we throw out all our good sense and put him on an undeserving pedestal. There are so many great man out here, let’s not allow the unable to keep us from being able.

Have a Strong Presence

A woman should never feel the need to be the "man" in the relationship.  Nor should a man be so inadequate that he allows a woman to dominate the relationship.

I have a strong personality but, I am not going to allow it to overshadow my partner and if there is a situation where I am too forthright in my opinions or actions without considering him, then I need him to call me out on it.  Don't disrespected me, but let me know that I overstepped my boundaries. 

And if I am not hearing you, find a way to help me understand, because if you back away, avoid addressing it, or just give in, then who is the head of this relationship? And why should this relationship continue if you don't want to make an effort?

Be proud of me and step in if I drift of into doing, saying, or being someone who may cause more concern than comfort.  Don't just be with me...be present with me.  Sometimes people can notice hairline cracks without anyone pointing them out. — I don't want cracks in my relationship…or a least I don’t want not significant enough for others to see.

A. MAN. SETS. THE. TONE. IN. THE. RELATIONSHIP.

As strong willed as I am, I am NOT the head of the relationship or household.  I will put aside bearings to allow a man to lead me...he may have to put me in my place a few times...respectfully...but, my place as a woman is not the same place of a man.

Even though I believe both people equally make a relationship work, I can empathize if a woman decides to be the one to make the adjustments to suit a man's life, ONLY IF she feels truly loved, protected, and provided for spiritually. 

A woman will do anything for a man when she feels loved...But ladies, let's not let the love blind us into making foolish decisions that leave us with egg on our faces.  Always remain smart about what you are willing and able to do.  If he loves you, he will understand and not put you in a position where you need balance what he wants and what you are not comfortable with.

High Expectations

If my topics are becoming redundant, it's because people keep doing the same things, so I have to keep these thoughts in rotation....

Never be the woman who demands a man to think about her ⚠.

We tend to create expectations for people we barley know.  We expect them to be considerate of our feelings.  We expect them to reach out to us often.  We expect them to make time for us.  Why?  What if this person does not want the same things or have the same plans?  What do you want that is opposed to what he or she wants? What did you misinterpret? 

Sometimes it's not the men, it's the women who have premeditated expectations or demands of him. (Yes, my sisters, we must take some blame for our heartache.)

The only expectation I have of a man is for him to be a man per his own definition. 🔀: Then it is my discretion to accept the man as he is because I refuse to invest time into changing someone who has his own thoughts and plans. ⛔: Unless you are already committed to one another and both identify that things need to change, the "We need to talk" can fall on deaf ears.  ℹ : And the list that you want to discuss, go over, and revisit is probably last on his mind, he may entertain it but, it's not his focus. Especially, if he has many things going on in his life that doesn't require you.

Many incidences result to: She says they're dating but, he says they're just hanging out. She is more involved than he.  Pay attention to your perspective in conjunction with his.

I have discussed with several friends about their experienced and I never just look at their side of the story.  I consider the other the possibilities of their thoughts or feelings and my response is not always in favor of my friends.

You shouldn't have to ask "What are we?" (I've only ever asked that once. I was 18 then.)  A man who knows what he wants or doesn't want will make it clear.  And if things aren't transparent, he may still be figuring out parts of his life, you can chose to hang on or you can continue your life unaffected.  And if you can subdue your 'crazy' then you can do both.

The only time I had certain expectations of a man was when it was clear that we were in a relationship and had plans to grow together.  And friends who knew me through this part of my life knew I went through the hell and high water! 📉😤

The Stranger: A Gentleman's Style

My coyness towards his warm embrace gave him a glimpse of my cautious heart. His indiscreet glances at me without saying a word kept me curious about his quiet thoughts. His debonair affections kept me in awe each second in his presence. His connection to my spirit kept me lifted.

I do not really know this man and we could possibly never meet again but, he has shown me how much I can really enjoy being in the company of a true gentleman who is attentive to my comfort and security. Although, in my true self, I did not make it easy for him at first to be next to me, calling him "decent" and being a bit nonchalant towards him; that faded.

“Sometimes, just sometimes, you ignite with someone's smile and for a mere moment, time freezes and there are no worries with the world. You just breathe in their delightfulness, exchanging energies all the while saving that feeling in the depths of your soul.“

Every moment in life we have choices and our actions follow.... I walked up to to the bar to order my drink, not really paying attention to his being. I could feel him looking but, I did not want to turn my head and have a socially awkward glance — I am still a bit shy in these types of occurrences. I stayed mute because, "Sweetheart, when you dance with me, YOU sir, must take the lead." He did.

If he never said a word to me as I waited for my order, he would have watched me walk away and the two of us could have missed a necessary beat in life.

I also had the pleasure of meeting his friends whom were just as pleasant to be acquainted with. I cannot appreciate him and his colleagues enough for being Lords of Chivalry. Any woman would be blessed to have one of these dashing gentleman standing at the end of the aisle waiting for her.

It might have been divine intervention that I met this man and his associates. As if God wanted me to see a different light that only He can guide me to; keeping me mindful that I am worth every bit of attention that is drawn to my growth and efforts in being a good, classy woman. And not being seen as some pretty girl who has been tainted by life's lessons and needs the attention to feed her insecurities. No darling, I evolved away from that.

I have yet to learn the purpose of this man in my life, because everything happens for a reason, no matter how minuscule one may think the reason is; there is purpose to everything. He may be just an instrument to the construct of what I need embedded within my thoughts about being open to someone's spirit without being reluctant or presumptuous with the idea not needing love. Or he could become a life long voice in connection to my continuous growth in this world. Whatever purpose he holds, I accept it.

Some critics may say that I am romanticizing the whole experience because I do not truly know this man in his everyday environment, and that I am being naive to a temporary notion that may be just a fantasy. Well, my response to that is "I. DON'T. CARE." Even if this is all a figment of my imagination, I still want to forever save this memory and refer back to it anytime I feel that Man has lost all senses in the proper treatment towards a Lady. So all you critics can see yourself off MY stage and exit left please, thank you.

....and to think, I was just going to stay in on Saturday.

Chivalry

I refuse to believe that chivalry is dead. 
I also refuse to believe that only the elder generation practice it.

I'm all for women being independent and managing their own homes, jobs, finances, families, etc.  It's awesome but, we are still WOMEN and as for myself, I still like for him to open the door and extend his hand to help me out.  Is it necessary?  No but, the gesture is appreciated.  Also, another tiny thing I admire is when he opens the door to let me walk in first and as I am walking in, his hand is slightly behind my waist as if to signifying 1. I am his company 2. If there is someone or something that's in my way he can just pull me out of caution. I guess I would consider that a "protective" gesture.

In casual settings around friends and family, chivalry doesn't have to be as prominent but, still considered.  Come stand with me if I am conversing with people and join the conversation or just see how I'm doing. Show light affection like a forehead kiss or half hug (for serious couples) or a simple back caress and move on.  Just show subtle acknowledgements that I am there with you.

I've also noticed, with some of my male friends, they insist on walking on the "outside" of a sidewalk (closer to the street) when walking with a woman. A woman who does not know the importance of this was not taught right or is used to the wrong type of man...I cannot recall if my ex did this since I have gotten used to blocking him out of memory but, considering I cannot think of any chivalrous gestures, he probably did not display any. But, let's not cry me a river...I've learned better.
We also must take into account that if a woman wants a man to be chivalrous, she has to be worthy of it and carry herself like a lady.  It's only right. Why should he accommodate you if you have a funky attitude and is ungrateful to him.