Hugs and Kisses

Ladies, don’t let any of these clowns make you feel like you aren’t enough, fck them. If a man wants easy, let him have easy. There is also a difference between a man being predatory towards younger women, having an identity issue with younger women, and misunderstanding what he’s doing. Maybe my opinion doesn't hold much weight because I’m not sleeping with anyone, so I don’t care what these men do.— But hear me out…

After my intro in the last post about telling ladies not to worry about men who aren’t of their statue and who entertain the younger generations, I got endless amount of messages for a lot of you women sharing your stories about heartache dealing with the same issues.

Ladies, I need you all to love yourselves. And I need you all to have friend groups that support all that you are. Affirm yourself no matter what status you’re at in life as long as you are striving to be better and be happier. I’m of a certain age and I’ve not had a lot of relationships, but I have had hurtful dealings with men. And guess what, I didn’t let any of the situations stop me from being great, I might have paused a bit to cater to my emotions, but after that, I went about my business. And please don’t assume I’m good because of how I look. I know how I look and I know how men look at me, but that’s not a major factor of my self-esteem. My confidence comes from the fact that I’ve been able to push through any difficulties that face me and know that whatever I grow from is going to build me to be stronger so I can conquer the next hurdle. My confidence also comes from the fact that each stage of my life, I’ve elevated. I’m not at the same place I was 20 years ago or even 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. And my peace is knowing that I have people who love and see me for me, not for what I can do for them.

Song: “Can I” by Kehlani

So ladies, if you have a man, a lover, or a sweetheart, that’s great, but don’t lose yourself in them. Because no matter how that plays out, you still have you. And that’s what I’m teaching and showing my kids, no matter who they love, they still need to take care of themselves too. When I am going through pain or a stressful situation, sometimes I seclude myself so I can figure out how I want, should, or need to feel. I may book a spa appointment, go on a weekend trip by myself, stay in bed and watch tv all day, or just head out to have a drink. You have to reconnect with yourself. Love can stress you out and these men sometimes don’t make it better, but you can’t rely on them for that.

Don’t get me wrong, there are amazing men out here. Much of them are my friends, and they are so amazing that sometimes when I am hanging out with them and one of their sweethearts are around they still see about me first and make sure I’m okay and having a good time before checking on their lovers. Most men are not like this, but that is the difference with my friends seeing and loving me for me because they know as strong as I can be, I’m still very delicate and they treat me as such. And this is what I meant when I say having friend groups that support all that you are. I remember one time, one of my friends got stood up on a date and she called me about it. I told her to stay put and I got dress went to meet her because I wasn’t going to let her waste her efforts of looking nice and letting some clown make her feel bad about herself. But I like being that type of friend for my friends . Although, you should have people who do that for you too.

Find your groove with who you currently are. Embrace it all, even your flaws. Fck these men. A lot of them never know what they have until it’s gone. Let them miss it and go on about your life. And Baby, don’t let the pain keep you from having love in your heart because trust me, there is going to be someone who matches your energy and you’re going to be so thankful that you didn’t let the heartache turn you cold. And be patient with your heart it goes through a lot so take care of it. Okay?

Hugs and Kisses - Raya L.

The Power Of Compliments

Some of you asked why the last 2 posts didn’t have any personal pictures, honestly, I just did not make time to take any and it is very likely that only a few posts here and there will have photos of me. It’s just time consuming to do that and I want to focus more on the content than the images. Also, with my upcoming term, I am going to start doing more research into my dissertation and that will take up much of my attention along with other business tasks I have. Other news I want to share….somehow I lost 10lbs during the holidays! Not sure how I did it, but if I can take off another 20lbs, that would be ideal! What is the saying? It takes up to 2 months for you to notice a difference, but up to 4 months for others to notice the difference? Well, we’ll see.

Do you all get compliments often? Would you believe me if I told you that I don't get compliments often? It’s true. Of all the people I know about 3 or 4 of them compliment me frequently and none of them are men. 😐 I don't require people to compliment me we've already cleared the air that I have a healthy self esteem. But there was an interaction recently that made me think about this a little more.

I was at a bar sitting next to someone I’ve known for a long time and we were having an amusing discussion about this topic and I mentioned that he doesn't ever give me compliments. His response was that my head was already big enough and that he doesn't think he should compliment me. I’ll be honest, this kind of hurt my feelings a little. Not the big head comment part, I can take that and a lot of jokes and sarcasm, but it was the idea of him assuming I get complimented all the time so there's no point in him doing it. That's what bruised me a bit. It’s like saying, I don’t need to tell you happy birthday because everyone else already told you or not telling someone “congratulations” because everyone else is doing it. Now I’m wondering if other guys think the same thing, like she's already being told she's special so I don’t have to make her feel special.

NEWSFLASH: That is such bullshit, to the men who are in relationship, I hope you don’t think this way. It would mean more to me to get a compliment from my partner than getting it from other people. And the guy seemed very adamant about what he said and how we know each other made his words sting…Like okay, you just confirmed I’m not your cup of tea. Do whatever you want and go hang out girls you like and that more your type. — He can stop wasting any silly moments with me and go hang out with who he really wants to hang out with.

There is power in words. And you never really know how your words affect other people. And with how that person responded, it just confirmed a few things for me so it's fine.

Ladies, can you agree there's a difference when we get compliments form certain people? There's a difference between getting them from people we know vs strangers. Even getting compliments from you parents feels different than getting them from your friends. Sometimes compliments are like words of affirmations and words that encourage. So if you admire or appreciate someone, it's good to say nice things to them and not just about their appearances, but about their qualities too. I don't mind someone saying something about my looks, but I’d rather someone say good things about my character, what impression did I leave with you or that I continue to leave with you? Did I make enough of an impact onto you that you think about me frequently? That you like seeing me smile or hearing me laugh? No, we don't need compliments, but getting them from certain people can make a difference.

Self-Esteem

A few readers sent comments in:

“There's no such thing as an Uber? Was he her only friend? A man taking the same girl home each time something is going on.”

“Just like no response is a response, not answering is also an answer. Girl, he was fckn her.”

“Sis, I don’t even take my platonic friends home like that. Trust your intuition. She want him and he want her. The men who only be around girls that be all over them are suspect. Hoes are thirsty and men love that shit.”

— This is in response about the guy who had the girl all over him and skipped around the answer when I questioned if there was something between them. 😏

“How is it that I never met you but I still know when you're not being serious about something. Damn are your friends really your friends?”

— Lol. Not all of them understand my jokes. Sometimes I like to say things that make people think outside the box and some of them aren't ready for it. 😆

This topic is going to be a little complex so pay attention.

A few times when I go hang out with my guy friends I have a quirky way of asking if there is going to be another woman with them by asking, "Are you with someone because I want to know where my self-esteem needs to be." 😆 Now, let's be clear, I do not have self-esteem issues, I'm great, but I also know I'm not everyone's cup of tea 😉. So I like to know what I'm walking into when I do go hang out with my friends and there’s another woman with them:

  • Is she just another friend

  • Is she someone you're interested in

  • Is she someone you have history with

  • Is she someone who's trying to be with you

Because vibes are different depending on the relationship you have with someone and people can pick up on it. There was one time a guy I know walked into the same place I was at with 2 girls. He didn’t know I was going to be there and I know one of the girls too and she was all over him all night. Touching on him and everytime he got up to move, she followed behind him like they were together. And when I asked the guy if they were fooling around he skipped around the question. I've kind of always speculated something between them for a while because many other times he'd always make a point to take her home. Ladies, men like this are full of shit, and Fellas, if you don’t agree, change my mind. Anyways I never want to walk in a place and make others feel uncomfortable with me being around or feel like my presence is not welcomed by others.

If I'm out with friends, I going to make sure I give everyone equal attention and engage with everyone. Self-esteem is all about what you feel about yourself and I notice signs of low self-esteem when people say certain things or their body language shifts a certain way, it points to insecurity issues.

I've been in situations with women not appreciating me being around because of a guy they like, so they would make it a point to stay close to him and have quiet conversations with him. And my thoughts are, if you were sure about yourself and about him, you wouldn't be acting like that. And guys, this may be over your heads because most of you aren't paying attention, but instead just see it as a women wanting to be next to you. 🙄

Fellas, like who you like, but if you're one of my friends and there's a woman who always seems to act a little different when other woman is around, then she really doesn't need to be out with us. Because women can get very vindictive and as pleasant as I am, I'm only going to put up with so many whispers and side eyes before I end up telling you something that's going to hurt your feelings.

And fellas, if you’re not faciliting the welcomes with everyone, it can be very uncomfortable, so I appreciate getting a heads up about people before hand. So just be mindful the next time you're introducing women to each other.

Hurt People, Hurt People

Don’t fee like reading? Listen instead. (2 Parts)

Want to hear something funny? Many of you noticed a few months ago I started a subscription feature on this site to allow more private topics with those who wanted to become members. Those of you who did signed up and read through the topics are aware we do not share personal information and explicit content and I also have the comments enabled to readers to engage in dialogue with each other, and the conversations have been very informative and respectful.

Apparently, someone has reported my site as being inappropriate and containing content that elicits sexual activity between members. Basically someone is claiming my site is for sex workers. Really???!!! — Okay, let me just say this…this is NOT OnlyFans, this is not a porn site, this is not an escort service, nothing like that. I was not charging $50 to show you explicit pictures, no my membership fee was only $10 and that was to allow people a safe space to discuss more private topics.

And if you are here, that means you are here on your own free will. You are not required to be here and if you do not like or agree with anything I say, you can easily exit out. If you are a long time reader, then you know what this site is about and the types of topics I discuss. I am so at a loss, is someone mad? Do you have something against me? Is there some type of vendetta? I’m not seeing anyone, so I know it can’t be a scorn woman trying to get back at me.

Maybe a man reported my site, because there have been times I’ve gotten messaged from men about them perceiving me as a an ungodly woman because of my images. Who knows? So, of course I submitted an appeal, I am not sure how long this will take to get cleared, but until then I have to disable the members only feature. I’ll see if there is a loophole, but until I get more clarity on this, I am not sure what all I can do at the moment. I’m just wondering who’s mad? Who hurt you?

🔴The reality is there will always be people who never want to applaud you for doing great.🔴

Let’s get into some serious psyche for a moment. We are the sum of our worst and best moments. We can love people with a healthy heart and we can love people with a wounded heart. And with both, we can hurt people. People who are hurt, in pain, suffering, or struggling will not have the best energy. Even if they are faking a smile and forcing a laugh, it’s not authentic. — It’s also not wrong for trying to put on a happy face, but it can be draining and stressful to do so just to conceal other burdens.

Have you heard the term, hurt people hurt people? It’s the behavior of someone projecting or deflecting their pain towards someone else. Much like being angry at the world for your own consequences, decisions, or misfortunes. When someone is hurt they tend to hurt others and most of the time they don't realize it. Think if it like this, when you are upset, disappointed, or in some form of pain, your emotions and heart can harden leaving your patience to become very minimal and anything that pressures your patience can cause an unkind reaction from you.

There are times people hurt others in order to protect themselves. Let me give you a scenario regarding relationships, a woman who fosters pain and mistrust from her past sometimes reacts in frustration to a man who triggers similar behavior, because the reality is she's been hurt before and doesn't want to go through the same experience again.

But we can't shut down our emotions, that's not healthy either. It’s good to be polite, but no so polite that you are not expressed your true thoughts or your feelings. But you also have to think about if your true self is capable of being around others without deflecting any inner frustrations outward. Like are you okay to be around people and enjoy them or do you still need time alone?

People go through metamorphosis when life puts them in situations that causes them make new adjustments. The outcome is unknown in how we’ll develop our character because we don't all process information the same. This is why it’s important to give people time and space so they can do what they need for themselves whatever that looks like for them, but you can still remain supportive by just checking in on them from time to time.

When I was going through a big adjustment last year, I needed more time to myself than I needed time with people, but it was the people who still reached out to me that made the difference of that experience being numb and resentful vs being something that doesn't define me, and it changed my views of being in serenity with my circumstances and making…..lemons into garnish for sautéed spinach and pan seared salmon with a garlic aioli sauce.

You see, it does get bad, but it also gets good if you allow it and when you’re ready for it…no one can tell you when to be ready, you have to decide that.

Be Strong For Them, Be Soft For Him

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. *My voice is still not 100%. 🤒

Being a woman of several achievements I have to maintain a strong presence in front of people, but I also have to show softness because….I am a woman. But you have to be selective with who you show your vulnerabilities to. You don’t want to get into a situation where you shown all your vulnerabilities to someone and they turn it against you to make themselves look better. You never know who has your best interest at heart or who even really is sharing their heart with you. Of course I'm talking about men in this regard. I’ve published many topics on what I want from a man and although most men may fit the standard they become complacent after some time and forget all the things they did you catch your interest. 😒

Dress | toxicenvyboutique.com

The last man I was involved with, we would sort of phase in and out with each other for over a span of many years and there were at least 2 points where we were really into each other like investing into what we both like and wanting to see each other and that was when we first met which was very unexpected because neither one of us anticipated keeping in touch for so long and the second time was when we reconnected after not speaking for a period of time. We would have our highlight moments and our mellow moments and I can admit there were definitely times when I was extremely vulnerable with him especially when there was a point where I had to make a decision that affected both of us and I was almost in pieces during that time. A lot of people don’t know or have never known my weakness or seen any or all of my weak moments, not even to my family. — Now that I’m really sit here and think about those times, it’s like, “What the fck was I doing?” 😵 Because that is always a concern of mine is letting someone see my vulnerabilities and fearing that they treat it like it’s nothing. But you know what? I do not regret showing him my weaknesses and being vulnerable to him in different ways because at those times, I felt completely comfortable with him, I trusted him, and I believed in him. And even though we are no longer involved in the same way now, we are civil, and regardless of what he thinks of me, I’m okay with him knowing that part of me because he was who I was sharing myself with at that time.

I told a friend that I don’t know how to act when I bring the “girls” out.

This is why I do not treat sex as just sex. I am allowing you into my life, I’m sharing my time with you, my personal space, my thoughts, my visions, my moods, my whole personality. I can’t just close off parts of me and still let you sleep with me. I can close myself off to others because they are not experiencing me the same way. Where I may have to maintain a certain persona for others, I should be able to let my guard down to someone I’m intimate with, right? Who I am in my professional life, my work life, my family life, and even my social life is different that who I am as a lover. I want to be able to relax around someone and not feel like I still have to maintain a rock exterior because he doesn’t want to embrace my softer side.

Ladies, you don’t want someone who wants you to fit his mold, you want to show your softness to someone who doesn’t have a mold. Someone who knows your day was shitty and still finds a way to make you laugh or feel better in some way. You don’t want someone who dismisses your vulnerabilities, but yet still expects you to understand when they’re feeling low. I told you earlier the last man I was with we were very much into each other in the beginning, talking to each other frequently, excited to see each other and would just completely enjoy each other. This is how you want it with someone, but not just in the beginning, you want it throughout the whole duration of your time together. You want someone who still shows they care after the first few weeks or months, for instance, I’ve been under the weather the last few days, I would have loved for a man to come bring me food or warm up my comforter or even simply asked if I needed anything just to make me feel better. I love it when a man wants to be present for me…I mean he’ll need to fight past my initial refusal for help, but after he conquers that, he may as well just go ahead an conquer me. — I’ll admit it, I’m on some bs when it comes to asking for help or saying I need someone. I’m working on it, never said I was perfect. 🥺

No, it won’t be rainbows and sunshine everyday with someone, I’m sure I’ve said that before, but if you both make it a point to clear the clouds for each other, then being vulnerable with that person should feel natural, don’t fight it. I had to learn this: when you avoid opening up and not showing your softer side to someone who wants to care, it can cause people to become closed off to you. So you don’t want to be destructive and block your blessings by feeling like you still have to be strong when you have someone who is willing to hold you when you’re not.

I want to end with this thought: Sometimes what we want isn’t what we need and I think this is a lesson we just keep having to learn because with what we want, it is what motivates us and pushes us; what we want is a goal, but what we need tends to humble us, keeps us grounded, and reminds us that we don’t have to be so hard all the time. And if you think about it, sometimes the people we butt heads with the most are the people who are more like us. Either that, or it’s people who want us to be our best and tries to get us out of our comfort zones, but we keep going back and forth with them because we don’t want to go out of our comfort zones.

I embrace every year that I age. I’m so happy I didn’t get into any drugs or smoking, or damaged my organs, and that I took care of my skin because I have seen people younger than me look like they surpass me by at least 10 years. And I love a man who appreciates a woman aging gracefully.

Sometimes people can see when we are not living up to who they know we can be, those are the people who pay attention to us. I tend to question my friends when I see them doing things or surrounding themselves with people who don’t highlight their best traits. One of my friends has people around him that he has know for a few years and I’m not too keen on them, I don’t really share my opinion on it because he considers them as friends and he has fun with them and that’s great, but I do feel like those people kind of drain him and I know people who have known him for 15 plus years and they are the caliber of people who can attest to his character because they’ve been around him and seen him in many scenarios. Although, those fun, free-loving people are cool to pass the time with, there is a limit to how much we allow them into our lives. No matter what type of a connection I may have with someone, if they don’t have the same types of things going on in their lives that I have to account for or be responsible of, then there is only but so much I can relate with them.

Friends should not have to tiptoe around each other when we are making questionable moves. I want you to be great because I know you can be better than what your are showing me right now. — No reason to get upset or defensive with people when they are just trying to open up to you because they see something that isn’t good for you, they are just trying to look out for you because they care. So in this sense, allow people who care about you to point out your vulnerabilities and weaknesses because they just want you to be the best you can possibly be.

Alfa Men

Apparently my last post sparked a lot of interest from you ladies. I received an abundance of emails sharing your experience with younger men. 👀😳 I’ll share your stories on the Members Only reads.

A few of you mentioned my distain about being called high maintenance and agreed that it’s the younger mindset that has not experienced enough of life or earn enough money to develop certain preferences on how you like to live. I also hate the word “boujie” which is not even a formal English word. It stems from the French term, bourgeois and bourgeoisie which means to be materialistic. — Ok, I’m materialistic for having expensive purses and shoes, but a man isn't materialistic for having luxury cars and watches? 😒 Everyone lives within their means, I’m not asking you to live within mine, and I’m not looking down on you for not living the same way, so don’t call me high maintenance or boujie.

And almost all of you agreed with me when I said the younger men Are Not Afraid To Tell You They Want You. They’ll tell you they miss you, they want to see you, shower you with so many compliments and yeah, sometimes kiss you unexpectedly; which is such the ALFA Man energy that's appreciated.

I like for a man to be masculine, dominate, and has the qualities of an ALFA, but I also love it when he has a soft spot for me and gives me reassurance, warmth, and comfort. That he doesn't care what his friends say or think if he shows me affection or special attention, because he wants me to know that I’m important to him.

ALFA men take charge of a situation with fineness and then don’t make the women they are sweet on feel unappreciated. Although, with that being said, ALFA men are still human and will still make mistakes, say or do the wrong things, the difference is they learn and make up for it. They are a different pedigree of men, but they are still men, so let’s not expect them to do everything perfectly. The one thing I do expect is for a man to make an effort. — Still saving my precious until I feel confident of a man. 😼

Through a few articles I’ve read, here are some common characteristics of an ALFA Male:

1. He’s courageous - No fearless, but courageous. We all have insecurities and fears that we cannot control, but the alpha male is able to still move on in a particular direction in spite of his fears. He may be afraid that his new business will fail, but that won’t stop him from trying. He may be concerned that the beautiful woman sitting by herself at the bar won’t want to speak to him, but he’ll still introduce himself and if she declines, he doesn’t make a scene over it.

2. He can control his emotions - We all react differently to certain things or people in our lives. The alpha male will react by taking a series of deep breaths and evaluating his next best action, he won’t lash out emotionally and dig himself a grave. — Again, he is not perfect and may still have slipups here and there.

3. He has a purpose - He is clear about his goals. The alpha male always has a purpose, he knows his direction and remains focused. — This may come with further age and experience, but he rarely just floats around aimlessly.

4. He’s not afraid to make decisions - The fear of making decisions is actually a fear of dealing with the consequences of making the wrong decision. This stems from the courage we covered in number 1 above, but it deserves its own number because people recognize decision makers. And they identify them as leaders. And alpha males are not afraid to lead.

5. He’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind - People have grown overly sensitive. All too often we don’t say what we’re really thinking. Maybe we’re afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. Or maybe we’re afraid of starting a confrontation. The alpha male still says he part, his terms and tone may differ depending on who is is speaking to, but he still says it.

6. He doesn’t let any one thing rule his life - Some people become consumed by their careers. Others are consumed by their relationships. When this happens, everything else starts to fall apart. Their health declines, their career declines, and their relationships are ruined. The alpha male recognizes that life must be balanced. Work, love, health, and friends are all essential areas that must be cultivated in order to maintain a strong lifestyle across the board.

7. He’s not afraid to say “no” - People will ask you for favors in life. And if the benefit of the favor to the other person outweighs the cost of doing the favor to you, then it should be done. But these costs and benefits should be measured. The alpha male is not a pushover. He doesn’t blindly oblige to the whims and requests of others. If his boss asks him to stay late, but he has plans elsewhere, then he kindly says “no” and moves on. He doesn’t feel the need to explain himself either because he’s looking out for his best interests. Selfishness is underrated. I’m not saying to be a selfish asshole, but if we all looked out for ourselves, then we’d all be much better off.

8. He acknowledges his weaknesses - (this one is very important to me) If you’re blind to your weaknesses then you’re setting yourself up for failure. They will continue to undermine you at every step of your life until they’re addressed and improved. It doesn’t matter if it’s a categorical weakness like being bad with women or a character weakness like being impatient, the alpha male doesn’t get depressed about having a weakness. And he doesn’t deny it out of a sense of pride. Instead he realizes that he’s lacking, and he moves to fix it.

9. He is particular about his appearance and posture - Well-groomed people make a great first impression. Alpha men are very particular about how they present themselves. They maintain personal hygiene, wear good clothes, and make sure they look their best. They are confident individuals and use their body language to their advantage. Standing straight, keeping the chin up, proper eye contact, firm handshake — these come naturally to the alpha male while interacting with people.

10. He has a great sense of humor - (I absolutely love a good sense of humor in people) One of the biggest strengths of an alpha male is his sense of humor. He doesn’t get offended if people make fun of him. Instead, he spins the situation in his favor by laughing at himself. He can make light of even his most humiliating failure because he considers it a learning experience. A silly joke has no effect on his sense of self-worth.

But keep in mind there is such an idea of being TOO ALFA where a man just doesn’t show any softness or grace, he also should have a balanced percentage of BETA characteristics. 💗

Hey Raya

In the early years of this site, people would ask me questions and I’d give my input. A few of you have done this recently and I don’t want to fall back into those types of publications again, but I will share some from time to time. Here is one from a long time reader.

Hey Raya,

I'm in a little dilemma. A few posts ago you talked about giving people chances. I was messing with someone last year and I'm not sure how or why we stopped. I always felt confused with him. Some days it seemed like he was in love with me and other days he made me feel like I didn't matter to him, so we just stopped talking all together. I was hurt. I thought things would be great with us but I could never figure out what he wanted and there were always other girls around him. You talk about a woman should know her value but it made me feel like he wanted to talk to them more than me. He recently hit me up last week. We started texting back and forth. I miss him but I don't like how he left things with me. People can change right? It's been a year but I don't want to go through the same thing. Any suggestions?

Dear Reader,

I have a similar experience. I knew a man for several years, for the most part we enjoyed our time together, but we also didn't see each other a lot during the beginning of our friendship so we made the most of it when we were in each other's company. Although, even during that time there were periods I felt like he didn't want to be bothered with me at all. We had a few blips, but we managed through it. Some time later, our dynamic changed and we had more opportunity to see each other often. The first few months were great, but then it seemed like he was back peddling his feelings and contradicting his words. It didn't make me feel great and I began to noticed things that made me question who he really is, but I remained loyal to him, it's one of the hallmarks of my personality -- staying good to people even with uncertainty. Then there was something major that happened to me and I didn't hear from him. I got through my hurdle and I got over the hurt from his absence and decided not to hold it against him. When your heart gets stitches and scars, you determine how it affects you and others. I still reach out to him every so often, there's been blips with that too, but like you, I don't want to go through the same confusion so at best I keep it simple. A mutual acquaintance of ours said to me that I’m not that guy’s type and when I was given some examples, I started to really think about it and realized that person seemed to be right.

I say if you are going to meet your guy, have caution. Ask him the hard questions about what happened between you two last time. Sometimes the hardest conversations are the one we need to have with people. Be honest with how you felt then and how you feel now. Also, really identify what exactly you miss about him and don't romanticize the good parts so much that it overshadows the bad parts. The bad parts are important too. Acknowledge any faults you had because you can't point fingers without some pointing back at you too. Yes, people do change with time. And remember, a relationship doesn’t define you, at the very least it is supposed to be a benefit to your life and make you feel hopeful, encouraged, supported, and appreciated.

In all actually, you really can do whatever you want with the man, it's not anyone else's choice to make. It's up to the two of you. If you both want to start something again, great, but make all your intentions clear so neither of you are blindsided and have routine conversations about it especially if anything changes.

Sure, Tell Me More

Have you ever had a man tell you what you should and should do or how you should and should be, but then you realize he's not contributing to your happiness, comfort, growth, well being, or peace of mind? — Sir, what are you trying to do here? Why haven't men gotten the memo that when he’s making her happy, she's willing to listen a lot more than when she’s not. So if you don’t know how to treat or finesse a woman, just admit that and go.

You cannot control a woman who isn't happy. Period.

Women are simple in theory, but once you get our emotions involved, it can get messy. Want to make her happy? Hear what she is saying, but pay attention to what she is not saying. Mind her body language and eye contact. And when you speak, see what she is reacting to.

I cannot not speak for all women, but I hate feeling like there an imbalance of effort and empathy. Sometimes women tend to care too much, it is sort of what makes us very different from men…aside from other obvious things. But the other problem is, men tend to care too late. — Hence, the miscommunication between the sexes.

It’s not only women not knowing how to speak to men, it is also men not knowing how to speak to women. We cannot speak to everyone the same. We were all brought up differently, different areas, different home lives, different set of rules, different experiences. Now, I am not saying we need to do a thorough background investigation on everyone in our lives, but we should actively listen to people and take into consideration that they will not always understand things from our point of view. Yes, it can be frustrating…extremely frustrating. But, effective communication isn’t one sided. And to be infuriated with someone has the same level of passion as being tangled in love with them or staying so far away from them because laying eyes on them brings about an array of mixed feelings.

A good friend said this to me:

When someone doesn't know how to speak to you, but they care, they will still find a way to keep track of you and be happy and proud of you from afar until they can be around you again.

I am not sure how I feel about that. Part of me finds it flattering to have someone stay in the shadows and still watch for me and another part of me thinks I rather want to know when someone cares. Words of Affirmation is my top love language along with physical touch. — Let me know you've noticed. Make an effort to engage with me, that's my happy chemical.

I feel like good communication is a lost art 😕. Kind of like chivalrous behavior with men. I still notice when men either don’t or do stand up when a woman enters the room. Or when a man walks on the side of a woman that’s closer to the street. Maybe some of us are too “old school” for this new generation that likes fast things, instant gratification, easy people, and empty relationships. I refuse to fit in with the crowd just to be fun. — I like meaningful conversations. Tell me more.