Hugs and Kisses

Ladies, don’t let any of these clowns make you feel like you aren’t enough, fck them. If a man wants easy, let him have easy. There is also a difference between a man being predatory towards younger women, having an identity issue with younger women, and misunderstanding what he’s doing. Maybe my opinion doesn't hold much weight because I’m not sleeping with anyone, so I don’t care what these men do.— But hear me out…

After my intro in the last post about telling ladies not to worry about men who aren’t of their statue and who entertain the younger generations, I got endless amount of messages for a lot of you women sharing your stories about heartache dealing with the same issues.

Ladies, I need you all to love yourselves. And I need you all to have friend groups that support all that you are. Affirm yourself no matter what status you’re at in life as long as you are striving to be better and be happier. I’m of a certain age and I’ve not had a lot of relationships, but I have had hurtful dealings with men. And guess what, I didn’t let any of the situations stop me from being great, I might have paused a bit to cater to my emotions, but after that, I went about my business. And please don’t assume I’m good because of how I look. I know how I look and I know how men look at me, but that’s not a major factor of my self-esteem. My confidence comes from the fact that I’ve been able to push through any difficulties that face me and know that whatever I grow from is going to build me to be stronger so I can conquer the next hurdle. My confidence also comes from the fact that each stage of my life, I’ve elevated. I’m not at the same place I was 20 years ago or even 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. And my peace is knowing that I have people who love and see me for me, not for what I can do for them.

Song: “Can I” by Kehlani

So ladies, if you have a man, a lover, or a sweetheart, that’s great, but don’t lose yourself in them. Because no matter how that plays out, you still have you. And that’s what I’m teaching and showing my kids, no matter who they love, they still need to take care of themselves too. When I am going through pain or a stressful situation, sometimes I seclude myself so I can figure out how I want, should, or need to feel. I may book a spa appointment, go on a weekend trip by myself, stay in bed and watch tv all day, or just head out to have a drink. You have to reconnect with yourself. Love can stress you out and these men sometimes don’t make it better, but you can’t rely on them for that.

Don’t get me wrong, there are amazing men out here. Much of them are my friends, and they are so amazing that sometimes when I am hanging out with them and one of their sweethearts are around they still see about me first and make sure I’m okay and having a good time before checking on their lovers. Most men are not like this, but that is the difference with my friends seeing and loving me for me because they know as strong as I can be, I’m still very delicate and they treat me as such. And this is what I meant when I say having friend groups that support all that you are. I remember one time, one of my friends got stood up on a date and she called me about it. I told her to stay put and I got dress went to meet her because I wasn’t going to let her waste her efforts of looking nice and letting some clown make her feel bad about herself. But I like being that type of friend for my friends . Although, you should have people who do that for you too.

Find your groove with who you currently are. Embrace it all, even your flaws. Fck these men. A lot of them never know what they have until it’s gone. Let them miss it and go on about your life. And Baby, don’t let the pain keep you from having love in your heart because trust me, there is going to be someone who matches your energy and you’re going to be so thankful that you didn’t let the heartache turn you cold. And be patient with your heart it goes through a lot so take care of it. Okay?

Hugs and Kisses - Raya L.

Be Good

A friend shared this on her LinkedIn feed. — Read it, digest it, and think for a moment.

The man, Adam Grant, who shared it on his own feed received a lot of mixed feedback. Comments advocating that sometimes people have good reason for not being kind to certain people in order to protect themselves, while others argue that no matter how/who the person is, you should still remain a good for your own inner peace…I am one of those people. (Below is my input with another friend’s response to me.)

There is a saying that goes, “Hurt people hurt people.” — There is a lot of truth in that saying. Ever notice when someone is mad, they say things out of anger and sometimes it’s not the nicest things? Or when you are still affected by what someone did to you there is still a sense discouragement towards them. There is a point where you just have to let that go. When you have bad feelings, it constrains you and turns you into someone you don’t favor. It may not seem like it, but there is a element of sadness in your thoughts, your words, and your actions when your are not kind to someone.

The same friend also shared another thought and I feel like the sentiments are related…

Here is her caption:

“This is true for both women and men. If you don't think what you say and do affects people, you are wrong. How you treat someone has an impact on them.

With relationships this is very accurate. You and your partner share a personal mental space and within that mental space is where your words and actions can make your partner feel great, loved, and appreciated or avoided, neglected and alone.”

Going back to the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” Let’s think about this, a hurt person will either lash out or go silent and in return it hurts the other person involved. — A vicious cycle of unspoken emotions and truths. And sometimes you have to decide that if someone keeps acting like they want to lose you or that your presence is not important to them, then maybe they just need to lose you.

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Man, A Woman's Best Friend

If you caught my first Vlog, lucky you because I took it down in less than 48 hours 🥴. I told you I'm not too comfortable talking on camera. I have a new found appreciation for YouTubers and Podcasters. And thank you to those who mentioned how I can't ever hide my accent, it's imbedded. For those of you who missed it, I included a summary at the very bottom.

Set from The Daileigh

So, let us talk more about this whole "boyfriend, not a boyfriend" thing. I'm just going to go ahead and call it a "bestfriend" because that's what makes the most sense to me. The concept is a woman has a guy bestfriend who supports her, loves her, is her shoulder to cry on, hangs out with her, and there is no sex involved. I tend to think this is not realistic because I believe the human brain begins to wonder when you get too close to someone, plus…men are…will always be men. In my video I mentioned I have male friends who I confide in and hang out with, but there are limitations such as, we don't speak every day and I don't tell them about everything in my life, and I only hang out with them on occasion, not every week. When I do hang out with my guy friends, I'm cognizant with what I do and say around them, because again, I have boundaries and if I'm not crossing them, you won't either.

Ideally, I would love to call up a guy and say, "Wake up loser, let's go get some coffee." (calling men offensive names is a weird love language for me) or telling him to come over because my garbage disposal isn’t working and I need him to come work his handyman magic because maintenance can’t come by today (this is actually my true life right now). OR when I am out drinking too much and he comes to rescue me from myself…this is not an endearing quality of mine, but I can get a little “too much” when I drink too much. Sorry. 😖 Just give me food and water and put me in the bed. I’m a responsible adult, but I get foolish sometimes. 😇

I still think a guy bestfriend would not work for me. Even my girl bestfriends know I don't like to be bothered too much, hell even people who don't know well know I get into my distant moods. With my personality, this "guy bestfriend" would have to be okay with being ignored a lot and talked sh*t too…a lot 🥴. Sometimes I say things without emotion or laughing, but I’m not serious, it’s just my dry humor and most people don’t understand or take offense. If you are sensitive, you cannot be my friend in any way.

With any male friend no matter how close we are, I'd still have lines you can't cross. Like, you can come over and raid my fridge, but you can't lay in my bed. We can share a blanket on the couch, but your feet can't touch me. And clothes must always be on your body, this ain't a Chippendales, keep your clothes on sir, even if you're taking a shower at my place, don't come out of the bathroom without decent attire on. You have to set parameters with men, no matter you're friendship with them. Because what if I get into a relationship, and this bestfriend comes out of the bathroom shirtless, am I telling my beau, "Oh this is my bestie" ??? I'm sure that will go well 😓. And it's the same for the guy, what if he gets into a relationship and tells his lady I'm his bestfriend?....Does your dad have a female bestfriend and what does your mom (his wife) say about it? (Assuming you have an example of a healthy relationship in your life).

Because even if I were a guy's bestfriend and he's in a relationship, at that point I'd have to understand the changes in our friendship to respect his girlfriend, no matter what I think of her. I think this is what many girls DON'T DO is take a back seat when their guy friend has a new lady is his life. It's like they think it's a competition? Why? Don’t treat me like a stranger or start acting funny around me when the girl is around, I don’t respect that dumb sh*t, still act like my friend, and if she has an issue with you doing that or she doesn’t like when I’m around, it’s a problem of hers not yours. There is a way for a man to still care about his female friends without taking it too far. But most men are so aloof on how to do that, it’s a bit disappointing because women can sense when something is off. I can’t explain it, it’s one of our powers, even with men I’m involved with, I can tell when he’s not being fully upfront with me. It’s a combination of tone, verbiage, body language, and lack of certain endearments.🔮

So when my guy friends are in relationships and he’s vocal about it, tells me about her, seems to be good for him, then I’m aware of her. I have a good guy friend, not a bestfriend, we call each other about once a month and we talk about various things, but I'm always considerate of his wife. — I don't keep him on the phone long, I don't call him at unreasonable hours, and I don't ask him to come hang out. But it's a little reversed for him because I'm single, he doesn't have to think about anyone's feelings if he calls passed a certain hour or asks me to come have drinks. — He can be considerate of Me and my time as a friend but that's about it.

But if my guy friend is dating someone and he is very vague about her, then I’m not really going to be to so open to her because he’s not giving me the vibe that he’s really into her long term. See, there is a science to noticing these things with men. If she’s legit, then I’m all for her. Females should be open to the thought that if it's the right woman for him, she's going to be around a long time even if they argue and split for a bit, if she's not, then he'll figure it out, hopefully sooner than later, and then you can tease him about his poor choices in women 😆. I don't believe in bashing other females, I do believe in calling out guys on their questionable tastes and it works both ways, he can tease me too, but don't let it go too far...I'm sensitive. 😁

It's one thing to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you put "best" in front of the word it puts a whole different meaning to it. So I don't know, I'm still a bit skeptical about this idea. Maybe I'm the weird one😕. Because if a guy is going to be this type of friend to me, he’s going to be my husband or my life long partner and there is going to be sex involved.

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Summary of the Vlog:

1. Someone said I should get a boyfriend who is not a boyfriend, someone who supports me, is my cheerleader, someone I can lean on, and who loves my unconditionally. There is NO SEX involved, so this person is not a “f” buddy or friends with benefits, but rather this a is “coddle buddy” — a person you can go to about anything without judgement and will help you through your struggles. This person is similar to a best friend but more than that, it is no one you are related to, and will most likely someone you are already friends with. I don’t think this type of man is realistic, but I’m open to the thought.

2. When I was processing this information, I thought about all the guy friends I currently have, but there is not one person, male or female, that I call on for everything. Everyone gets different bits of information and conversation topics with me. The guy friends I have are great, but I don’t go to one person for everything. I would love to, but I don’t believe I am capable with sharing all of my secrets with just one person. I also do not cross the boundaries with my current guys friends or change the dynamics for several reason: because I don’t want to ruin the friendship, because of my loyalty to certain people, because of my morals/values, and because I just don’t think of them in that manner. My current guy friends fit my life just as they are and vice versa. A friend I grew up with is very protective of me so when I talk to him about certain things, he takes more of a big brother tone. My friend “C” is a great friend and there are many factors we value about our friendship and the limitations are right where they ought to be.

3. I am still limiting the comment because at least one person keeps leaving very rude comments towards someone I know and it does not matter what my status is with a person, I do not condone talking badly about people I am connected with. I feel like I am a good judge of people and everyone has their flaws, but anyone whom I have cared about or have shared time with is an imprint on life, so to talk about them is to talk about me and saying that I made a bad judgement of character. It does not matter what horrible things someone may say about someone I know, I will make my own opinions and decisions on that person because of what I have experienced with them, NOT because of someone else’s experience with them. I think if people say something enough, then you start to believe it, which can happen and has happened with me. — I hear the same things so often, I start to wonder if they are true or not. But I’m not just a loyal friend, I’m an overall loyal person in the sense that even if I am upset, confused, or angry about something, I am not going to tear you down behind your back and I’m not going to give anyone else ammunition to spin a story that may be even further from the truth. That’s who I am.

4. Until the comments are better handled, you can send your messages through the CONTACT ME link.

HER

*Comments have temporarily been disabled.

For any woman (or man) who has ever doubted herself, felt lonely, went unappreciated, was lied to, disappointed, had self-esteem issues, lacked confidence, just know it’s a phase and you will get through it. So far I’ve went through this phase three times in life, and I am still pulling myself through the current one.

I seem to have these moments anytime there is a major life change where I have to make some big decisions for myself.

There is no easy way to climb out of feelings of depression and the only thing to do is decide whether this is how you want to be for the rest of your life. With the recent battle, it wasn’t just my health that set me back, although it was a major contribution, I also realized I was not “happy” for a long time. From what memories I still have, I do remember that I smiled, laughed, and hung out with people, but internally I wasn’t really present. — I was just going through the motions.

When the pandemic shutdown in March 2020 began, I shut myself in. Work didn't change for me, it just had it's challenges. My friend groups were all being cautious, so I didn't see much of them, and I didn't get to travel as much as I’m used to. So the pandemic did force some changes that hindered me a little. Towards the 3rd quarter of the year, I began to get back out, although against my better judgment and that's when I began to unravel and didn't even realize it.

I think I allowed a lot of things that I normally would not allow to happen because I felt I needed to do something different, be someone different. It’s like I stopped investing in my own stock and sold off shares for less than their value….not the case anymore.

I have experienced enough in life to know what I want and can be assertive about it, but I am also aware that there is still so much life in me that I have to yet learn. It’s an ongoing cycle and not always a fun ride, but a ride nonetheless. *And keep reminding yourself that we don’t compete with other people, we compete with ourselves so we are either our own come up or downfall.

Sometimes I feel like I should write a book about all I’ve been through, but then I think…I don’t have to explain anything to anyone nor do I want to tell the details of my story. Most of my family and friends would be surprised about some revelations. But what I keep private has purpose and sometimes that purpose is to either protect myself or other people. I’m not one of these people on social media who asks for thoughts and prayers anytime something unfortunate happens and I definitely don’t share when I am not feeling like myself because I don’t need everyone’s affirmations. I also don’t like for people to carry my weight when I know everyone has their own to carry.

In this last year, there were 3 different incidences where I could have not made it. I don’t know if 2021 is my defining year, but shit, it sure was a scary one. — Lord, if you’re ready for me to come home, just say it, I don’t need anymore close encounters. Please! — But, I’m still here, so I guess I still have mountains to conquer.

I can honestly say that I am much happier today than I was earlier this year. I’m still missing a big chunk of 2021, but maybe that’s for good reason or divine intervention? Who knows. What I do know is that I am feeling very refreshed, more eager, more determined, and my confidence level is climbing stairs….with ankle weights. There are still some inflictions I need to figure out, people I need to speak to, and doors I need to close and I am going to do it with open ears, open eyes and with an open heart topped off with a smile no matter the outcome.

I mentioned before that I am ready to make everyone uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean that I am on a war path to putting others down. No. It means that I’m prepared to enjoy what I want to enjoy, who I want to enjoy it with and not harp on who may have an issue with what I decide to do. Whether I want to stay in and enjoy my own company, I am not going to shy away from saying, “I want to be by myself this evening.” OR whether I want to go out and hang with a few people, we may be out all night or just out for a few hours. — Whatever I decide, I’m standing by it.

Some people may start saying, “She acting new” or “She’s acting different” — And they can say whatever they want make them feel comfortable in trying to make sense of what I do. I’m no longer appealing to everyone else’s expectations. If I’m good with it, it’s happening. If not, Bye.

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The Submissive (NSFW)

*This is now available in MEMBERS ONLY.

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Set The Tone

*Comments have temporarily been disabled.

I’ve had this website for a long time now. It started off on Blogger in 2008 and has changed names a few times since then (IamRayaL, TheStyledMa, and currently, LoveRaya). Over the years, I have shared style tips, recipes, experiences, and learned how to monetize this site. These days I share my thoughts on life topics that include family, relationships, business, and finance. It’s also like leaving breadcrumbs so I remember what I used to do and how I used to think before becoming who I am today. With these last few weeks, remembering things (major and minor in the last few months) has been a little difficult for me to do.

I cannot tell you enough how grateful I am to my readers…especially when you notice my absence from time to time. My faithful readers know that I value my privacy and only share but so much with the public.

I use Squarespace as my website host and one of the benefits is I get certain analytics and reports on the traffic on my website, what people search for, keywords, and what the most popular content is. I don’t know if my visitors are men or women or any of their background details unless I do an advanced research (that’s too much) but interestingly, the most popular content in the last 60 days have been 2 posts:

• Don’t Give Everyone Access (published Jul. 2020)

  • I talk about being exclusive and how everyone does not deserve to be around you and being aware of people who are takers.

  • It’s not selfish to want to be alone or to not want to talk about certain things with certain people.

• Men Set The Tone (published Oct. 2018)

  • I talk about how women set our standards on what we accept from a man, but a man still is the one who sets the tone in a relationship and how it will continue. The tone he sets may be influenced by the woman, influenced by his family or friends, or the tone is just his own preferences. I read somewhere that love is a chemical reaction that comes and goes, the challenge is being disciplined enough to not hurt someone when the feeling goes or reminding yourself that losing the person will hurt you just as much.

  • The emails I’ve gotten about this post reveals that no one disagrees with this logic….So fellas, you decide what type of leadership you are going to show a woman.

  • Speaking for myself, I love when a man is clear on what he wants with me and doesn’t confuse it with conversations or behaviors that contradict what he wants. He doesn’t treat me as one of his many options, he treats me as the reason. I cannot stand for a man who will not answer a direct question and leaves it open for interpretation. This tells me that he’s putting me aside to see what else is available and if he can’t find better, he’ll come back around. — Nah playboy, just keep going and take that bs elsewhere.

  • I also love for a man to take control in a way that's protective and not demeaning in the sense that he cares about me, wants the best for me, wants me to be better, and will keep me safe. Or if we are meeting at the restaurant and he gets there first or I’m running behind and he goes ahead and orders for me because he knows I'm not a picky eater. He also orders my drink because he knows what I like or wants me to try something different…yeah, that's the type of “Take Control” I like.

With both posts, the main thought is that no one can take your value from you unless you allow them to. It’s a cliché thought, but it’s absolutely true. You cannot depend on someone else to make you feel whole no matter how much you care for a person and want to hold on to them. You have to hold on to you and set your own parameters with everyone in your life.

Don’t be mistaken, I am not void of men problems or letting my emotions get the best of me. My issue in any of those types of situations is that I thought too highly of a person, higher than I thought of myself and it backfired. The reality is you will never know what someone is thinking or truly feeling and you cannot always go off of actions because those can change too. With every new experience we go through, there is a new perspective we gain and with the new perspective it can change what we do, what we say, and how to act around others.

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For Laughs

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Equal or Special

Let’s talk about this whole equality thing for a moment. I am all for women’s empowerment and rights BUT, I do draw the line with certain topics and I am still aware that the male and female sexes don’t always travel on the same frequencies. Refer back to my previous mention of the female brain HERE.

See the text image as an example…Pink felt violated while using a gender neutral bathroom where Blue stated the misunderstanding of what Equality is and Yellow concurs with Blue…as do I.

Even when “Equal Pay” is discussed, we have to understand market segments in different regions on top of work titles, responsibilities, and cost of living. If the argument is a man and a woman are working for the same company, they have the same position with the same credentials, YES their pay should be equal. But, if you are arguing that a woman working for a private company in Texas with less that 2,000 employees vs. a man working in Alabama for a global company with over 5,000 employees with just a salary, not commission based for either, then the argument is lacking relativity.

But pay is a sensitive topic for most, so let’s move on form that. Do I prefer a women’s only bathroom? Yes. Am I okay with shared bathrooms? Yes, if it is a single stall and sink where there can only be one person at a time. Will I use a gender neutral bathroom? No, but if it is my only option then I may consider it. This isn’t just about bathrooms though, this is about how we as women want to be treated. If I am in a professional setting and having a conversation with men, don’t assume I don’t know about business practices or think that I can only relate to female topics like beauty and retail. Now on the other side of things, if I am in a social setting, I still like for doors to be opened for me. I still like for men to be gentleman and be respectful towards women.

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Here is a more personal example in thinking about Equal vs Special: Ladies, say you are seeing a guy, it’s casual you’re still getting to know each other, you hang out, you may be intimate but, overall you enjoy each other. So here is the question: Even though you two are not a couple, would you be okay if he was casually seeing other women too? My guess would be No for many women because you want to be the “Special” one. I get it. There is this stigma that when a man is playing the field he can still be desired but, if a woman has several suitors she cannot fully be trusted…and I agree BUT, I don’t find it attractive for men to be available to every and any woman. Nor do I think women she be that way either. Just my opinion, I know everyone makes their own decisions with their lives. — If you are single, do what you want but as for me, I like to have discipline and standards (because shit, I know my worth). And if I am seeing a guy who chooses to “do what he wants” then okay, I will remove myself from the scenario, because again, I do not find that attractive nor do I want to feel like I have to compete with other women. If he doesn’t know my value regardless of what title we have, then that is his lack of awareness, not mine. Plus, if someone else has the same access as me to a man, then he can choose to spend any of his availability with that person…if you are speaking to someone the same way you speak to me, if you are talking about the same things, and if you are embracing or hugging someone the same way you do to me, then again, go over there. I don’t want to be anyone's option, I’m worth someone’s reason. So if a man so chooses to give the same effort to someone else, I'm good.

Men and women are not fundamentally or socially equal, let’s be honest about that. Although, does that mean one sex should receive more benefits over the other sex? In my perspective, the equality is more about acknowledging that women are more than capable of just baring children and keeping a house clean. Give women the credit of being outspoken, contributing to society and businesses, obtaining their own success, and being able to lead similar lives to men. If I really think about it, I probably more prefer to be treated special than equal, and just be mindful of how fair you are to me as a woman.

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You Can't Let Life Happen To You

So 2020 is done and the only thing I did differently last year was stayed in more and saw friends less. I still thrived personally, professional, and financially…got another degree, a certification, a raise, etc.

The last quarter of the year was a bit draining, because of the pandemic we had to do things differently and I was swamped with tasks and deadlines so coming into the new year I am a little lethargic and no so enthused 2021.

It got me to thinking of a statement I heard from a colleague as we were discussing an unreliable employee…”You can’t let life happen to you.”

What does this mean? Well, here’s my take…

We all go through life facing different challenges: being a woman, being a single parent, coming from a poor home, not thinking there’s any opportunities beyond what we know, being a black man in America, being black in other foreign countries, being white and misunderstood by your empathy towards other races, being rejected, losing a loved one, loving someone who doesn’t love you back the same, suffering mental health issues, having physical disabilities…the list goes on but, we are either going to allow our experiences to hinder and break us or we are going to allow ourselves to push through the obstacles becoming more educated and build character.

Have you ever noticed some of the best people to converse with are the ones who seem to have many life levels? Their philosophies are usually a resemblance of…”Everything happens for a reason. You just have to make the best of it.” And this is the best thing I can continue to tell people.

There is nothing in the living world that is perfect. As critical as we can be towards others and even towards ourselves, we cannot change everything. The only we can change is our perspective of life and find ways to laugh through the pain without suppressing or avoiding the healing process. Also, sharing our smiles onto others without ego and narcissism.

2021, here’s to you and what we can make of you. Cheers.

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Supporting Small

There are 30.2 million small businesses in this country, which comprise a whopping 99.9% of all United States businesses (fundera.com). Do you see that number??? 30.2 MILLION Small Businesses in the USA! When you hear about the United States being a land of opportunities, it wasn’t a lie…the hustle is REAL folks. The country has its flaws, but just like family members, you accept them as they are and cater your life according to your personal goals. Oh and by the way…BLACK LIVES MATTER. — There’s too many people I love for this movement not to be important to me.

Skirt - Hanifa Official

Since the Pandemic rolled into town, many doors have closed permanently or facing permanent closures. A business is not an in adamant entity, it’s a passion, it’s someone who put their efforts to bring something to a community. When you head into your local town, almost all of those business are owned and operated be people who live there. SUPPORT THEM.

If you can support major conglomerates like the NFL (me), big name designers (again me), or franchises (also guilty), then you can surely support a local business. Some businesses have a deeper purpose, for instance a coffee shop in the Houston Heights neighborhood in Texas called A 2nd Cup is an advocate to bringing awareness to human trafficking and developing efforts to save and help victims. This is something I wholeheartedly support, not only because it’s inhumane, but I am from a country where human trafficking is a major problem — there are evils in this world that is beyond imaginable and when western cultured men talk about their Asian fetishes, it gets uncomfortable…some of you men are completely oblivious to your own damaging behaviors. I know how I look and how I carry myself, it doesn’t give you privilege to be inappropriate to me, especially when you don’t really know me.

Any who, SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL BUSINESSES and encourage your friends and family to do the same. Ripple effect.

Anytime a friend sends me information on a new business, I don’t make much hesitation to support in some way, whether it’s sharing the info to others or buying something from the business. It’s just THAT simple and makes a whole world of difference to the owners.

Women

Women's History Month is an annual declared month that highlights the contributions of women to events in history and contemporary society. It is celebrated during March in the United States, the United Kingdom, and Australia, corresponding with International Women's Day on March 8th.

What does it mean to be a woman?

Does it mean we get the shorter end of the stick, that we eat last, that we support others before supporting ourselves, that we adhere to society's standards?

No.

Being a woman means we wield more power that what we realized. We are more needed than what some of our predecessors may have acknowledged. We are more intuitive, more intelligent, and more willing than ever before.

When we play by the rules, we're good. When we defy the odds we're better.

It's no longer the men who are dominant, women have taken the role of stepping forward and making a difference.

At home, we manage our households and everything that’s included. In business, we keep climbing ladders and everything that’s included in that. In between those realms, we juggle our hopes, dreams, ambitions, right next to our friends, families, relationships, and inner peace. There's an abundance of expectations for women, especially when we're hard workers, dependable, and supportive. We are constantly at battle to prove that we can handle whatever life may throw at us. We deal with so many obstacles as women; some in public, some in private. That's why I can’t stand for people to say to me, "I can't deal with this." You can’t deal with what? Life? Especially, people who volunteered themselves to you in some way and now want to recant. Well, I'm sorry YOU cAn'T dEaL and I’m sorry I'm not as easy as you want me to be, actually, No, I’m not sorry about that but, I know a few places where you can pick up some easy women who don’t have a their minds full, should I send you some info? I have no patience for fair weather people whom are only around when things are good or just to feed their narcissistic needs.

You men aren't the only ones who do things around here, let's be very clear about that. Unless it's a young girl working entry level retail still finding her way in life and needs a little assistance, Women who've started laying down platforms have a lot to think about too. So save me the bullshit about you not being able to deal. I run circles around your life because I get my recommended six to eight hours of sleep so that my cognition and my consciousness stay healthy.

People (men) who think they can just push through all the time aren’t taking care of themselves and are in denial of it. Having the discipline to wake up early at the same time everyday is a success move, but not getting enough sleep is foolish and becomes detrimental to your health which further affects everything you do. One of the books I’m reading called “Why We Sleep” by Matthew Walker PhD goes into extreme detail about why giving your body rest is important in our efforts to take on the world. When you don’t get enough rest, it affects your eating habits, your hastiness, your ability to hold constructive conversations, your patience to understanding, your memory, it can also impact mood swings and lead to depression, anxiety, or even long term neurological disorders. Your brain becomes ‘simple’ and it gets harder for you to handle complex thoughts, let alone complex situations. Ya see where I’m going here? I’m not pulling tricks out of a magic hat, there’s been extensive research on this. I wrote about getting rest last year and it is still relevant, see HERE. Why do you think women are such strong advocates of “Self-Care”? We didn’t make up this notion just to have an excuse to go to the spa and take vacations. There is a science behind it and we proactively study it. You need time for yourself? Take it. You want to just hang out with the boys? Do it. You want alone time with you and your kids? I encourage it. You can't be the best you if you don't give back to yourself. And if you are not the best You, then you're half-ass to everyone else.

With me being the type of woman that I am, I'm not for the weak, I want the best for people but, if you are not willing to help yourself, I can only take but so much until I need to save myself. My personality is strong, I don't always listen and I talk back more than I should, but I am aware of myself and agree that there are aspects of me that others find difficult to understand. I also don't ask for much and don't require much attention. I match energies, if you get bold, I get bolder. If you don't trust me, I definitely don't have much in you either. It goes to the old saying, “Treat others how you want to be treated.” Don't expect something that you are not willing to give in return. And if you have someone who is always giving without asking for much back, consider them a blessing. I've learned that asking little of someone can be asking too much of the wrong person.

Women have always found a way. If not for themselves, then for others. We find the strength, the courage, the confidence, and the resources to shape what is needed for us to be well. Men may mock us for overthinking or being too intuitive, but many of us women like strategy and backup plans. Think of this, if women didn’t have so many options for birth control, how much effort would men really take to protect themselves? …………? …………..? When it comes to being taught about how to live and care for ourselves, girls are given different lessons from the boys. It's no secret that girls mature quicker than their counterpart, so when the older man is pursuing the younger woman, who should know better?

With many of us embarking into our own businesses or landing executive roles, we are paving the way for other women to do the same, but we hold the responsibility of setting the standards so that the next woman can achieve the same success. We can't get too comfortable. We can't give people reasons to lose confidence in what women are capable of. We also can't mix business with pleasure, that's one of the tops rules of success. And as far as dating goes, women should date across or up and never down, but dating where you work or do business....ummm, doesn't always work out for the best. Related post HERE.

As far as we have come and as much as we have accomplished, Women still have long roads ahead. Here's to us, the battles we've won, the battles we've lost, and the battles we've yet to face. Let the weak stay in the back to learn from our examples. Let the strong be our mentors and lead us up.

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Related Women’s Topics: Working as a Single Parent to Make it all WORK... | Business Woman to Business Wife | The Busy Woman | The Boys Club

"Some of y'all ain't never had a real b*tch and it shows..." - Jhene Aiko

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In loving memory of a supportive friend who was never anything less…

Stand By Me

Let’s be honest, we don’t succeed by ourselves. Whether it is a team of people who help us work through tasks or if it is just a group of individuals who support us, breaking through the ceiling is not a one man project.

We all have goals we want to achieve. We are able to best achieve them when we have supporters; people who inspire us, encourage us, or people who just seem to always be there to cheer us on. What is success if we are doing it all alone? What is feeling great if we have no one around us to experience it with? What do we need to ensure we reach the top?…People who stand by us.

What are the makings of a good supporter?

• Listen - Hear what plans they have. Lend some advice, but don't force it. When people are excited about something, one of the things they enjoy doing is talking about it. Throughout the process, ask them how their plans are going, again lend your ears. Even when things aren't going as anticipated, people may still need to vent, be a sounding board and dissolve judgments.

• Show Up - Yes, physically be present if possible. I don't know how many times I've pushed passed my sleepiness or made adjustments in my schedule to show up for the people I care about and support their endeavors. If they have a business where goods are sold, buy their products. If they offer services, book them. If they are speaking in front of a crowd or putting on some type of show, arrive. Just being present for people gives them a sense of peace and accomplishment.

• Praise - Let people know how proud and happy you are over them, even if they are still in the process of building. Positive words can encourage people to keep going and continue to do well. If you have a second, make a quick call or a simple text message to say, “You are doing great.”

• Protect - There will always be critics. If someone is speaking negativity about someone you care about, don't entertain it and just sit there, CHECK THEM. You don't have to be rude, but you can simply affirm your confidence over your friend or loved one and how you will continue to show your support for them. There have been times I heard people cast their doubts on someone I support and I made no hesitation to let those individuals know how disheartening it is for people to criticize others without wanting to understand the drive or reasons. People who defend you when you are not around are the best people to keep in your life.

• Don’t Quid Pro Quo - Don’t be one of those people who shows support just to get something back in return. Support because you believe in someone, not because you have motives to gain some form of benefit. Accept the accolades of being genuine.

The simplest things someone does for us or you do for others can have a lasting impact.