That's Just Love

We all have our own definitions for Love and the ways we love people all depends on the type of relationship we have with them. Love is a strong emotion. We love people for different reasons; family, friends, significant others. Love is also a weird emotion, some people are very passionate about it while others are a bit lackadaisical.

The way I love my siblings is not the same as I love my father, and the way I love my kids is not the same as I love my siblings, and the way I may love a significant other is not the same as I may love my friends. We have a different obligation to each person we foster in our lives and we have to balance our emotions accordingly. We can love many people but, not treat them all the same. Think about it, everyone you care about, you have a different way of speaking to them and behaving towards them, yes?

Any why is it some people treat the ones they care about poorly? Is it because they feel that person will never walk away? — I don’t think anyone should be that sure. Or why would you treat someone who you know cares about you badly? I think sometimes people run from those who care because it challenges them to vulnerable too and people are afraid to be vulnerable…because they fear disappointment and heartbreak. Although isn’t the greatest reward the after affects of a great risk? All is fair in love and war. Even if just for a short period of time, when you love someone, in those moments you felt the best feelings; a euphoria. And what’s that saying?

"It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

I noticed when women love people, we act like mothers, “How are you? How was your day? Did you eat? Are your hungry? They weather will be bad, stay dry. Be safe on the road. Call me when you get home. Are you sure that’s safe? Do you really want to do that?…etc.” I think it’s the inept nurturing quality most women have when we care dearly for someone. With men…well, you all are a bit of a mix bag of honor, dominance, gentleman, and bitch.

What I never could understand is in regards to relationships, do you ever see people who are constantly in and out of them? I always think, How can you love someone so quickly, stop loving them and then love someone new in such a short period of time? I’m sorry, but I cannot move on that fast, it took me a little over a year to get back to myself after splitting with my children’s father. I guess I don’t love or fall out of love very easily. — That may be one of my flaws, but at least I’m willing to take some risks no matter how it turns out. There is a saying that if two people split and still remain cordial, they either never loved each other or they still do…that’s a bit of a fine line. Yet, how do you have a friendship after parting ways with someone who you shared plans of a future with? — I guess that’s why people are quick love someone new; so they can forget who they loved before. (???)

As I am more identifying what I like, I think it is best to say that I love traits and characteristics of people and only just like or tolerate the rest of their qualities. And what I love about them may drown out what I don’t like about them.

Generally, what I love in all people are:

• Compassion/empathy

• Thoughtfulness

• Humor

• Humility

• Dressing well

• Great work ethics

• Organization

• Good communication skills

• Not taking offense to my smart-ass remarks

What I love in a significant other:

• Being protective

• Willingness to understand

• Not talking about our personal woes to others

• Doesn’t allow others to speak harshly about me

• Affectionate and Playful

• Being flirtatious, not matter how long we’ve know each other

• Maintaining eye contact

• Answers every part of my messages

• Knowing how to calm me down without telling me to calm down

• Not giving someone else the same attention

• Dominant but also gentle

• Checking on me whether I am in the same room, a different place, or a separate state

• Remembering the little things

• Says “Hey beautiful” when he sees me

• Head kisses

• Proud to have me and knowing I only want him

One specific thing I find really attractive is when a man is so confident in me that if we're in a public place and we arrived separately, other men are talking to me and giving me attention, but at the end of the night, he walks up to me and says, “C'mon, let's go.” and he reaches for my hand because he has no doubt I’ll leave with him. — This has only ever happened once with a past lover and I've never forgotten about it.

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Rejuvenate

“We’re fu-ked up all the time and it’s not because we want to be that way, it's because we’re dealt a hand and guess what, we don’t run from it. We deal with it.” - Rihanna Fenty

Do you believe in second chances or even third or fourth chances? With my most recent experience, I just believe in CHANCES. Everyday we wake up is a new chance and yesterday is never coming back. There is no guarantee we wake up tomorrow so what I felt yesterday may not be what I feel today. We are entitled to change our minds as we are granted new days and we deal with what's right now and make it good or make it great.

Sometimes we go through things that force us to realize what we really want and what's really important to us. Sometimes major incidences give us clarity, such as life threatening circumstances that put you in a position to look above it all.

Do you meditate? I've heard meditation brings you to a realm of clarity or better understanding because you are closing your mind to the living world and opening it to something beyond. Some people see themselves in a different version, other people see possibilities of what lies ahead for them. Meditation is like a dream state, it's a personal and different experience for each person. I do not meditate but, I did have some secluded time where my thoughts were in the stars.

I wrote before about dreams (HERE) and the meaning of what you may see in your dreams; how you can have visions or messages relating to you or other people. I always get “visions” when I’m at a crossroads in life or I am struggling with a problem and I’d have dreams that give me hope and eased confusions. Someone said maybe it’s because I am very in-tuned with myself and people around me. Maybe...or maybe we are in a constant time loop and I keep remembering what has already happened? Maybe it's because I read a lot and my mind is conditioned to the unexplainable. Who knows. Over the years, I have become more spiritual but, somewhere down the line, I lost track of that in the midst of losing myself and now I’m in the process of getting back to it with a new set of eyes. I still like my privacy, want to be left alone most of the time, and won’t allow too many people involved in my personal matters but, I'm more willing to open up about my flaws and my willingness to be a better version of me. The last few days/weeks I've had some interesting visions.

One recent dream involved a birthday cake. It’s no where near my birthday. But, dreaming of a birthday cake is a good sign. Birthday cakes represent celebration of a "new year" hence new changes or a fresh start. It may also be good to mention I had this dream a few nights after a huge blow up with someone and that same person was in my dream but we weren't fighting, we were actually laughing and being very friendly with one another. (Dreaming of people has it’s own separate meanings.)

A few nights ago I dreamt of having, ummm…poop in my hair (sorry for any instant visuals). Of course I thought this was a bad message but, my research stated differently...

In summary, dreaming of having poop in your hair is the sign of an important change in your existence. You are going to start a healing procedure in your life by eliminating all the wrong things and feelings. The fecal matter is the disruptive element that you are trying to get rid of from your life and can also suggest that these changes may affect the people around you.

So both dreams represented changes...well, I did say I was starting the process of getting back to my spiritual self, right? I’m not sure how I distinguish what's a simple dream or what a meaningful dream is, but studies say if you remember the dream then it had a message for you. I can’t explain how I know it, I just know when I see something unusual in my dreams, I sense there's something more behind it.

Another dream I had recently was of my friends and family all together, it was like a reunion or a block party but there was no background, it was all white like a blank sky with no weather or color. Everyone was eating and having a good time and I was just sitting there watching everyone and I saw water lilies. If you read my Dream post then you will recall I dreamt of water lilies before when I was dealing something severe. Dreaming of water lilies means you are going though a time of trial but, not to worry because there will be a rebirth, the opportunity to try again. The water lily in a dream represents evolution from a negative starting point to a positive end.

My 2 children are having similar experiences with their dreams. Not too long go I was in a bad car accident. Months before that happened, both my kids at separate times told me they dreamt of me being in an accident. Odd, huh?

But what does this have to do with rejuvenation? Well, it's all connected, what we do, what we feel what we think or dream about is all connected. What is our purpose in this life? Why do we meet the people we meet? Why we have trauma? What does it all mean? There's no true answer, except that you have free will to live how you want. We're all sensitive to the agonies of existence, but that doesn't mean we are required to hold it against ourselves or others. It's not healthy to ignore your troubles but rather try addressing them so they become less of a burden...and then it's easier to let it go.

Sometimes we can't control high intensity situations, we're not always equipped to make rational decisions in the heat of a moment and we may think back and say, “Well…that could have gone differently.” Yet, we can’t harbor on it forever and when we take things too seriously, we can't let go of what may hurt. Pain and disappointment is real, but it doesn't have to stay with you.

Also keep in mind when someone isn’t opening up to you, they are probably dealing with their own struggles that may or may not have to do with you. While I was in my seclusion someone said to me, “Good people with good hearts never fully leave or let go of other good people...sometimes there is a misguidance and it may just take longer to come back around, but when they do, just smile, welcome them and make new great memories.” We cannot treat our personal relationships like a business, although it may be easier, here’s your pink slip, best of luck! No, our personal relationships have different exchanges, so when someone is ready to wipe off the dust, let them do it and maybe offer some help. Keep giving people your kindness.

Tomorrow is never promised, I know this is a cliché saying, but the reality of it is very true. We never know what today brings and if there will be a tomorrow. So here are some things I encourage:

• Take risks, you will make mistakes, you are human

• Be open to love and love hard

• Be passionate about what you want

• Be compassionate to those around you

• Be in the moment and don't fear where it takes you

• Learn to apologize and learn to forgive

• If it's not dangerous to you and others, do it

• Tell people how you feel no matter what they may say back

• Double, triple, quadruple text (lol) - let them know you are still here

• Call that person

• Don’t give up hope

• Be good to people, be better to yourself

Take the day as it is, whether you do nothing, watch a movie by yourself, go out, you make a new acquaintance, you get a surprise visitor, or you just have a long conversation with a loved one, embrace it all. A friend who I’ve known for several years has been asking to cook for me, one of these days I may take him up on the offer, but today, I’m catching up on Me.

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Whether You Chose to Address It or Not, It Still Exists

[DISCLAIMER: I understand why companies or groups may want to stay quiet during controversial times. I understand that they may not want to backlash of revealing their thoughts on a topic. I understand they may not want to cause controversies for themselves. There are ways to relay your support and empathy without making a public announcement, it’s okay to want to be careful. -- You've heard the saying, "Silence speaks volumes" or "Silence can be deadly"...yeah, sometimes silence can be damaging to relationships you don't realize are important to keep. Let that sit.]

Sometimes life has its disappointments...food, sports, places, outfits...people. It's one of those guarantees that we plan to avoid, but destiny does not send us heralds and we are met with necessary lessons. The best thing we can is to discuss and share in hopes the experience will birth new enlightenment. — Mind you, this practice is relevant to any topic in life not just about the explosion the world is currently facing. When I'm feeling overwhelmed and my mind is dwindling, I tend to block things I need to address, but my nightly dreams never fail me and like to play "Captain Save-A-Hoe" by dropping off messages for interpretation to remind me I need to put my big girl shoes on and the address issues in my life. What a joy those dreams are. (-__-)

A friend shared THIS ARTICLE with me after I told her I had to have a candid conversation with my high school aged daughter about the racial divides. I also know that I will need to have the same conversation with my son. With having 4 godsons and 1 goddaughter from different families, all black, ages 9 months to 18 years old, I know they had or will be getting the talk from their parents. The article is a first hand narrative of a black man and his experiences of racial inflections even though he comes from a two parent home, prestigious neighborhood and with a high praised education. The article is lengthy, but it is insightful of the author's first hand accounts of racial profiling, embedded systematic bias, and titles. What I really appreciated is that even though the author’s upbringing was whitewashed, he still knew and understood he was different from his friends, they could not fully relate to him and he could not fully relate to them.

Within my children's environment, they are that "token friend" where most of their peers will not be able to relate to my daughter's and my son's experiences because their acceptance in society requires a little more practice and effort...it's a reality not every family has. Although, the main concern with my children is that because they can be oblivious racial issues they may say or doing something that can cause them to face the harsh realities of prejudice and I’m not around to help them process it.

In some of my own circles because my skin tone is darker than what most Americans "expects" Asians to be, I'm usually asked what race I am or mixed with. For those who may be wondering, I am not Black. There have been suggestions that my ancestry is linked to descendants of the Moor People which have African bloodlines, but that's not confirmed and I only know of my Asian history. Although, the two reflections of me do check off the box that reads African American/Black and are Citizens of the U.S. And let me tell you, both of my young ones excel in their academics, are respectful, and have their mother's off keel sense of humor, but that means nothing to people who do not see their human value.

When I would take my kids to birthday parties, my little beautiful brown babies would stick out like sore thumbs and I'd watch how other kids and parents act around them. The kids were fine, it was some of the parents who looked a little too hard for my comfort and were met with a gaze from me. I'm a parent who's of the Knuck of You Buck generation.

Even with my kids having an Asian mother and me not facing the same scrutiny as darker toned friends, it doesn't void negative stereotypes and unbeknownst to some people, my little family does fit into several unflattering statistical categories. I play it down to avoid questioning and sharing too much of our personal lives.

There is an issue, whether we chose to identify it or not.

“Civilization is not, by any means, an easy thing to attain to. There are only two ways by which men can reach it. One is by being cultured, the other by being corrupt.”

- Oscar Wilde

I am interested to see how this year is written in the history books...Australia burning, almost faced WWIII, Kobe Bryant tragically passed, Covid-19 came and is changing the blueprint of business functions, then a senseless death of a man sparked outraged of "Enough is Enough"...and we are only half way through the year. WTF. — Can I return 2020? I think it got damaged during delivery. Although, this may be the defining year that gets us out of our comfort zones.

“The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame.”

- Oscar Wilde

It's not ONLY a matter of police brutality, is it an irrational fear other of the Black Community and making decisions from that fear. For some resources to help aide against injustice and racism: CLICK HERE

HERE is a conversation between two influential women, Candace Reese Walters and Carli K. Mathews of Empowering Woman Locally based in *Tuscaloosa, AL. (my review of the city HERE), about having conversations regarding race.

Let me be clear, no one is telling you how to raise your children, but it is a fundamental sin to teach them to second guess someone based on their ethnic backgrounds. These racial crimes stem from people who were once children that were subconsciously or directly fed information to develop negative views against certain demographics.

Have you ever seen that movie, American History X with Edward Norton? It's not a movie for children, but there is a scene where you see how a parent influences a child's views.

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If you are still reading, do you want to know what happens when you die? Every action, every thought, every laugh, every change that could have came from you stops. People go on either remembering you loved them or not knowing how much you truly cared for them and what continues is those lives you've influenced.

“Everyone must leave something behind when he dies. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you’re there. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching. The lawn-cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime.” - Ray Bradbury

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Comfort Food Meal: Smothered Chicken over Mashed Red Potatoes

Seasoning for Chicken: Cayenne Pepper, Ground Mustard, Minced Garlic, Garlic Salt, Dried Oregano, Lemon Pepper, Worcestershire Sauce 🧂

I started the base of the pan with chicken stock, collard greens, and mushrooms. Added garlic salt, Brown Sugar, Tabasco sauce, vinegar, and ground pepper. Simmered for 30 mins. 🥬

Then I added the seasoned chicken. On top, I added fresh basil and rosemary, plus asparagus. After 30 minutes, I added 1/2 a can of coconut milk. 🥥

Allow to cook on medium for 45 more minutes ⌚

Red Potatoes: Boiled until soft. Then mashed with butter and added garlic powder and dried oregano. 🥔

Stand By Me

Let’s be honest, we don’t succeed by ourselves. Whether it is a team of people who help us work through tasks or if it is just a group of individuals who support us, breaking through the ceiling is not a one man project.

We all have goals we want to achieve. We are able to best achieve them when we have supporters; people who inspire us, encourage us, or people who just seem to always be there to cheer us on. What is success if we are doing it all alone? What is feeling great if we have no one around us to experience it with? What do we need to ensure we reach the top?…People who stand by us.

What are the makings of a good supporter?

• Listen - Hear what plans they have. Lend some advice, but don't force it. When people are excited about something, one of the things they enjoy doing is talking about it. Throughout the process, ask them how their plans are going, again lend your ears. Even when things aren't going as anticipated, people may still need to vent, be a sounding board and dissolve judgments.

• Show Up - Yes, physically be present if possible. I don't know how many times I've pushed passed my sleepiness or made adjustments in my schedule to show up for the people I care about and support their endeavors. If they have a business where goods are sold, buy their products. If they offer services, book them. If they are speaking in front of a crowd or putting on some type of show, arrive. Just being present for people gives them a sense of peace and accomplishment.

• Praise - Let people know how proud and happy you are over them, even if they are still in the process of building. Positive words can encourage people to keep going and continue to do well. If you have a second, make a quick call or a simple text message to say, “You are doing great.”

• Protect - There will always be critics. If someone is speaking negativity about someone you care about, don't entertain it and just sit there, CHECK THEM. You don't have to be rude, but you can simply affirm your confidence over your friend or loved one and how you will continue to show your support for them. There have been times I heard people cast their doubts on someone I support and I made no hesitation to let those individuals know how disheartening it is for people to criticize others without wanting to understand the drive or reasons. People who defend you when you are not around are the best people to keep in your life.

• Don’t Quid Pro Quo - Don’t be one of those people who shows support just to get something back in return. Support because you believe in someone, not because you have motives to gain some form of benefit. Accept the accolades of being genuine.

The simplest things someone does for us or you do for others can have a lasting impact.

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY #BAMA

Sometimes, you meet people who imprint on your life and begin to find connections with entities that connect with them.  All imprints are a lesson and some imprints continue to add impressions onto your timeline.

My life in Texas has really opened my world to this unusual thing called, "Southern Hospitality".  Houston itself is a melting pot of people from all over the US and the world yet, what's interesting is when I meet true southern people.

I do not know much about Alabama other than driving through Mobile one time and getting stuck in f**king traffic for 5, 6 hours! WTF!

But, I have made some friends from Alabama who've imprinted upon my life.

I made my first unexpected friend from Alabama almost 2 years ago.  It was a gentleman whom did not allow me to simply disregard him.  I was my usual self, blunt and abrasive but, my Northern persona didn't offend his Southern Hospitality. 

Initially I thought, What's wrong with this dude? He must like being abused.  Realistically, it is more so, What's wrong with me and why am I so guarded and quick to automatically deflect people? 

Somehow, this Alabama man and I created a unique friendship at which most people wouldn't understand it...but what is for me to understand, isn't for you to understand.

I can identify that I am a little different from others in the sense I do not see relationships, infatuation, or even love the same way as mainstream society depicts it.  I see what makes most sense to me.

I think of my own friends, all from different backgrounds, experiences, neighborhoods, and countries.  We have collectively made a connection with one another because of small similarities that caught our interest but, bigger differences that keep us in each others' lives. 

Our friends are the family that we get to choose.  I inadvertently made so many varying arrays of friendships that my circle is as diverse as my persona.  I love it.