Relationships: A Wise Investment?

“Love is just a word we attach to a feeling that we don’t really understand until we look back on it.”

Someone told me, the best thing you can do is make solid relationships that benefit both people. This includes friendships too. You invest in people and cultivate a type of understanding and communication with one another that gets your through certain things in life. I pour into a lot of my friendships because the friends I’ve made are free-flowing and I have friends who I talk to about serious topics and I have friends who I talk to about lighthearted topics, they all bring value into my life one way or another.

The Older I Get

The more I understand what works for me and that it may not work for others, but I can’t rely on others to make things work for me. ✨️

The types of relationships I'm not pouring into is a partnership. A colleague mentioned that partnering with someone can be a good personal and financial investment, but I feel like that all depends on your partner. Say if your partner is bad with money or doesn't have a good paying job, then you carry the bulk of the financial responsibility which can also affect your communication with the person. But if you have a stable person who can carry the same weight and articulate adult responsibilities, then yes, that’s a good partnership. 👍🏽

I was talking to one of my good friends a few days ago…he is a damn fool, I have so much fun when I talk to him, well, I have a lot of fun when I talk to any of my friends. I just have good people in my life. Anyway, with this friend, we've both been married before, we have children and don’t want anymore, we make good money, and we can do whatever it is we want to do, so I was telling him I don’t need or want a partner, but I like having companionship and I would like to be involved with someone who understands the difference.

We don’t always have be around each other. If he wants to go grab a drink after work and not invite me out, I'm fine with that. Or if he is going out with his friends and doesn't ask me to come, I'm okay with that too. I’m not going to ask invasive questions, I may just ask what you did the other night, but don't treat me like I’m the opposition or like a stranger, communicate with me. And also, if we so happen to run into each other somewhere and you're out with friends or whoever, don’t act as if you don’t know me, especially if we’re sleeping together. I'm grown, I don’t play those silly games. You don’t need to be all up on me, but don’t treat me like some random person that you just know.

I like hanging out one on one with someone, but I don't always require it. We can hang out with a bunch of people or we can just talk on the phone or text. And I don’t always want to talk of superficial things, I want articulate and intrinsic conversations where we learn significant details about our values and backgrounds. There’s other forms of intimacy other than sex. And I want a companion who understands all of this.

I rather invest into this kind of relationship rather than a partner who wants to combine every aspect of our lives. I don’t want to live with anyone, but I do want to see you and spend time with you when we can. I like going out and doing things and sometimes I like to have intimate company. Someone who is interested in me and talks to me in ways that my friends don’t speak to me, I’m sure you guys know the difference.

But for now, when I want company, I just call one of my friends, and don’t get me wrong, I love catching up with them, but vibe is different with someone you're intimate with and that's the main reason why I like companionship because the synergy is different. Again, I don’t need a partner, I just want to share energy with someone who likes to embrace me and the moments we have together. I think that would be the wise investment, at least for me, I can't speak for all of you.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

The Grown Attitude

“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child…”

Method Man did a recent interview stating he doesn't know why he keeps being labeled as a sex symbol when his not doing anything to earn that title. And I see his point of view on this. Clifford is what, in his early 50s now? And I think his is at a point in his life where he's done all the he planned to do, and now he's just enjoying the legacy he's made. Mind you, this man is married and has been married for over 2 decades. I think early in his life and career, he had a lot of fun. And there were always rumors here and there about some of the women he may have been in a situation with, but they were all rumors. During the this interview he used Smokey Robinson as an example of living in his highlight when it was appropriate, but when the clock starts winding down, trying to keep up with the highlight just doesn't make sense. I think that was such a mature thing to say and I think, however, Cliff living his right now, he is doing it on his own terms and no longer chasing Hollywood or entertainment high, and he's just enjoying life as Clifford with remenents of Method Man.

The most attractive thing about a man is growth and maturity. It doesn’t mean he still doesn't come with some bullshit. He just knows how to handle it better.

I think Jay-Z is the same way. We've heard rumors about him as well when he was starting to become known, and other rumors came about during his marriage. But one thing is for sure, he will do the most to protect the solitude of his family. Almost everything he does now seems to be business driven, even with the dynamics of his family and personal affairs. If there isn't a value or a means to an end, he's not interested.

Now Puff...ummm...Sean Combs ain't Shawn Carter, and definitely ain't Clifford Smith either. Mr. Combs is going to live how he wants to live, flashy, outspoken, opulent, all of the above. One of my childhood friends is like this and I need to be mindful of the time I spend around him because he can be a lot. Puff is going to have a rotation of young women, and he's living like he's in his 20s with his 50s fortune. Aye, go ahead, Puff, do what you want.

And I'm only using these 3 men as examples because we've seen where they started to where they are now.

David Beckham may be another good example, but we don't get a lot of news from across the water unless we're fishing for it. But I think he's shown a lot of maturity over the years, too.

Make The Good Choice

When that doesn't work out, make the other choice. 😁

Let me tell you something and I want all of you to start putting this in your daily mantra and it doesn't matter how old you are or where you're at in life, say this right here:

"I CAN NOT MISS OUT ON ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEANT FOR ME"

This includes relationships, friendships, work opportunities, investments, fun nights, whatever it is, you do not miss anything that isn’t meant for you.

But if those same relationships, friendships, work opportunities, investments, and fun nights present themselves again, you can take it.

Just because you did not say Yes the first time doesn't mean you can't say Yes the next time. Maybe you said no the first time because it didn't feel right at the moment, but time changes things, right? And what we felt then may not be what we feel now. Just like with the men I mentioned, how they behaved then is probably not what they'll decide to do now, exclude Puff from this thought.

You know that saying, "When I was a child, I acted as a child" it's a derivative of the bible verse. It applies to all of us. Just like with the one reader who said, “A connection can be made with anyone, but it can only last but so long and go only so far without any real value or tangible substance. And if you only rely on that connection, you avoid your own reality, thus avoiding your own bullshit.” The reader also used an example of pedophiles relying on connections. Her example was extreme, but I think she was just trying to make her point.

So again,

"I CAN NOT MISS OUT ON ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEANT FOR ME"

This can go so many different ways. There's things that are good for you and there's things that aren't, but you decide that. And here’s something else, the universe always knows what it's doing even when we don’t, and sometimes when certain things happen we call it coincidences or a sign. But the only thing we manage is what we feel and what we decide to do next.

Every decision is a great decision until it's not. And when it deems itself as not a great decision, then you have to figure out if you'll avoid making that decision again OR if you do make that same decision, what will you do differently next time? Because with growth we can walk down the same path, but this time we are more equipped with traveling it better.

Be safe everyone.

Interested In Him

“You can only be as happy as you make your mind up to be.”

Reader Question: “Don’t you ever think your guy friends want to be with you?”

I actually get asked this a lot especially when I mention my guy friends in my topics. So here's the run down. With the guys I grew up with and I'm still friends with, there has never been that awkward unspoken interest for one another, we always just been friends and nothing more. With some of the guy friends I made as an adult and I've become close to them, they've never shared with me they want anything more so when we hang out it’s just really simple. Now, in relation to that there is a select group of guys who I've become friends with through someone I was involved with and with them, they never have crossed a certain threshold with me. I’m not going to mention the guy's name, but with his friends who I’m now also friends with, in their minds I’m “that man’s Raya". Even though right now, I’m just “Raya” but how they met me and things that have occurred since then, to those guys, I’m still “so and so's Raya.” And I don't have a problem with that because I love having male friends who I can have fun with, feel safe around, and not worry about being taken advantage of. That is a great feeling to have and I value that. 😊 Don’t get me wrong, ALL of my guy friends do flirt with me in some way or will hang their arm around me, or kiss my cheek or my forehead, but it's all out of love and never uncomfortable.

The Misconception

Don’t confuse my comfort or friendliness towards someone with being interested in anything other than a good conversation.

Let's move on…

In one of the recent topics I let you know that I've never told a man I was interested in him and many of you had very strong opinions agreeing and disagreeing with what I said. The main reason I don't do it is because I don't want things to be awkward if the man doesn't feel the same way in return because then the dynamic of our communication changes and then it’s like, “We'll, damn. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all.” Especially, if it's a guy I like hanging out with.

I know men sometimes like women to be a little forward, but is it too much to ask for a heads up that you have some interest in me before I take that step? You don’t have to come out and say it, but in some way let me know that you are attracted to me intimately and open to seeing what more can happen, even if it’s just for fun, give me some clue. I’m not the one night stand type of woman, if you are my intimate partner, I want it to happen more than once. So, you can very much be my temporary lover or my fun partner, but just know, I’m not a one time girl.

This is why I say that I need to be comfortable with a man before getting in bed with him. I want to have the understanding that if we are going to be involved, even if it’s casual, that we still have consideration for one another and make adjustments that appease us both. I like a busy man, I don’t need a man who has too much time on his hands, because then he may want a lot of my time and what if I’m not available? He goes off any starts getting involved with someone else until I am available? I don’t need that mess.

I also like a man who understands the importance of self-care and solidarity. Because I know I have mentioned many times that it can seem like I’m being distant when I need to just be alone. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be involved anymore, it just want time to myself and I would like for a man who gets that. For me to be a better me, I need my me time. For me to be the sociable, charismatic, giving, and caring person that people know me to be, I need that alone time. And I want him to take time to himself too. Unless I tell you I want out or you tell me you want out, then my interest in you is still there.

There can also be times that we may be in the same room and just not have an active conversation, we can just lay on each other and watch tv, or he can be on his laptop and I’ll be on mine. If we just want to be in each other’s presence and not really do much, I’m okay with that. I guess what I am trying to say is that I do not always need that constant dialogue to keep my interest peaked.

Here’s the other side to this. If I am not interested in someone, I do not need to be pressured into being interested. For instance, if I tell you that nothing intimate is going to happen between us and I give you my reasons, don’t try to have ulterior motives to get me to change my mind. And if I share with a friend that I have my reasons for not getting involved with someone, that friend should not be pushing me to be involved with that person. It doesn’t matter if you do not agree with my reasons, they are MY Reasons, so respect the fact I do not want to get myself in a situation that I am already not comfortable being in.

  • But here is the realistic part I need to talk about. With a man who I have never been involved with or intimate with, it is much harder for him to get to me than a man who already knows me in that way. I’m not saying that every lover I have ever has still has a chance, I’m just saying they already know some details about me that they can utilize to their advantage. Thank goodness I do not have a lot of previous lovers. I think I said before, I can drive several hours outside my front door and count on LESS than one hand how many men have been in my juices.

If we are both interested in each other, let’s not play these cat and mouse games and just let each other know. I am willing to be more vocal with a man who gives me the feeling that he’s interested rather than a man who I am not sure if he’s even worried about be in any way. But remember, I’m not a one time woman, if we’re just having fun, then we’re going to have fun a few times and make the most of it. And if you have me, don’t leave me wondering if you’re still interested, just let me know if you want to stop or if your feelings have changed.

Be safe out there.

Forever Doesn't Last A Long Time

“Foreva-eva?…eva-eva?”

I used to think it would be great if everything lasted forever, but now I believe in reality. Even if you are in a committed and long-term relationship, time passes so quickly that forever can seem so short and you're left with memories and if your relationship does withstand the test of time, then memories are the best attributes to your love for one another. But this isn’t about that…

Whether you are married, single, in between relationships, or just dating around, I think we can all agree that our emotions are unpredictable. What we feel today might not be what we feel tomorrow and changing our minds is at our discretion because it’s our emotions. The tricky element is someone else's emotions may not align with ours. And that’s where feelings get hurt. I wrote about change of hearts earlier this year where I mentioned that at any given moment a relationship can change course because of one or both people. And I think when that happens it's the result of wanting different things. You may have started out having the same visions, but eventually something shifts and if the person isn’t shifting in the same direction then the relationship begins to break.

Happy, Blessed & Highly Favored

I Love It Here.

I think with where I’m at in life I completely understand the concept of forever not lasting a long time. Say I decided to start something with Chicago (the young man who I met last year), I would already know going into it that it’s not going to be long-term. Even if I get so wrapped up into him, in the back of my mind, I’d still be cognizant that this love affair temporary. And let’s say for instance, the guy I call Poppa calls me up and suggesting we start getting close again. I’d have to chose who I want to have a love affair with because I won’t be with both if them. And just because I choose one over the other doesn't mean one is the better man because even with Poppa, I wouldn't go into it thinking it will last forever. So let’s say I choose Poppa and then out of nowhere the Athlete from my past pops up and wants to start spending time with me again. I’d have to make another decision between the two because if no man is contributing to my home in one way or another, I am a single woman. And it's the same for a man. We have no obligation towards each other except for our feelings. So in any event you have to decide how deep your feelings are for someone. And emotions can run strong. They can also run hot and cold. That's why I don’t like to have any expectations too high about anyone. I can love someone and not be with them because loving someone and being in love are two different characters.

Any man who I’ve been with, I don’t ever speak ill of them, I may mention things I didn't agree with, but I don’t strip a man of his qualities. I think right now, I just want to enjoy who I enjoy no matter how long it lasts, but I also want a heads up when feelings change and when our forever is coming to an end. I don’t like being left in the dark when it comes to that, but here’s the other side of it and ladies I know most of you hate my mindset about this. If I’m involved with someone and he has strong feelings for me, but when he goes out he makes little connections with other women my only requirement is don’t let those little emotions outweigh your feelings for me. Don’t let those situations effect how you act towards me. If your feelings are strong for me then protect that. Because I’m still firm on the fact if I’m fooling with you, then I’m for you and I’m going to protect my feelings for you too. This isn't one sided and it's not just about me, so I am going to give you the same love. If you feel differently about me then say it because that’s when I feel I am being played with, when a man isn’t honest about his feelings towards me.

I’m not going to go through a man's phone and nag him about where he's going and who’ll be around him. No, I chose peace. I’ll be honest with you, I used to be like that when I was with my ex. I chose chaos over peace, actually we both did and it just blew up so much that I had to walk away. And I’m not trying to say that I welcome a man to make a fool of me, no. I am just giving him the option to be careful with what he does when he's not with me OR he can choose to be sloppy and cause problems for us. But the biggest hurdle he’ll have with me is that my intuition is 99% on point. I can feel the slightest difference in someone's behavior, so he’s got to be a master at whatever he does when it comes to keeping our connection going.

When I’m around, those silly girls aren’t and they have no leverage over me and no one is trying to be in your face or push up on you. And you know who has spoiled me about that??? ALL OF MY GUY FRIENDS. Anytime I hang out with my guys, there may be some women looking their way or want to talk to them, and my friends may chat with them for a few minutes, but they don’t take their focus away from me. And I’ve never asked them to do that. And that might have made me overly confident, but why shouldn't I be? I’m not perfect, but I’m the only one who’s me. And I’m not sorry that my fellas set the bar high. Catch up. So if a man can't meet that requirement I have, then our forever is going to be very short. So forever-eva? Nah…maybe just forever-for-now.

Convos With The Fellas

“My latest whip, my latest chick both foreign…I ain't left the city once, still travel abroad.” - J. Cole

I reference my guy friends frequently. We talk about all things from social bs to business bs and they are very unfiltered with me, which I greatly appreciate. Here are some insightful tidbits from conversations I have had with the fellas:

I AM THE CATCH: My friend and I were talking about dating and he said if he dates a woman who has not accomplished some of the same things he has, then HE IS THE CATCH. In summary, he said: “If that girl is a sales clerk, working at McDonalds, or waiting tables, she can’t fuss at me about anything I’m doing because I AM THE CATCH. You just worry about making sure people get their food on time. And if you ask me if I am talking to other people, YES TF I AM, because you don’t match me. You ain’t bring nothing to the table, I am the table.“ — Now, ladies, please don’t be hard on my boy here or me because I completely agree with him, if you’re not matching me in what I’ve got going on in my life then Yeah, you just worry about you. And if you are working in retail that’s not a bad thing if that’s the field you want to stay in and you’re moving up to be in management or own your own store or even work in luxury stores like Chanel, that’s great. That is a goal! It’s the same if you are working in the restaurant or bar business and you are learning to move up in the industry. Baby, you do that! One of my favorite bars I go to, with some of the bartenders that’s their passion and skill, some of them are in school and just making some pocket money, and other are learning the field to start their own businesses. There is nothing wrong with that, just have a vision and make the move to make is a reality.

AGE GAPS: This is actually a common topic with most of the fellas mainly because they are of a certain age, but they are still attractive to younger women because they are handsome AND because of the first bullet point: They ARE the catch and listen, I would not want any of my guy friends making a fool of himself chasing after a child that’s not their own, what sense does that make? And all of my guys have said these something similar to this: “WTF am I going to talk about with a 25 year old? If we are just hanging out at the lounge that’s one thing, but there’s no reason to take it further than that.” One of the fellas said, “These girls talk too much and bring around their friends and they sit and gossip and be petty with each other and trying to be Instagram models and dancing on TikTok, you can keep that over there.” — Again, I agree with my guys. But the funny thing is, they also know about the 25 year old that’s been trying to get me and they all tell me to go have my fun with him and then send him home because apparently when they were all younger, they fooled with older women and said that experience taught them a few things about how grown women like to be and do things.

There Is No Reason For You To Not Be Successful: Now you already know I agree with this. One of the fellas said, “You have the internet where you can learn anything you need to make money, ain’t no reason for anyone to be broke and struggling.” He is so right. If you’re in college or just starting to work, yes it’s going to take time to make the money you want, but if you’re getting older and still relying on other people to get you right, then baby, you are a DEPENDENT and going back to point 1. I Am The Catch and you need to focus on building yourself up to be the catch too.

“I’m Going To Tell The Truth Because I Can Deal With The Consequence”: Two of the fellas have told me that they are very honest with women and their intentions. They let them know they are dating around or talk to other people. If they are out with one woman and another woman they are seeing comes around, they don’t ignore her, they will get up and greet her and show her love. And if it starts to get uncomfortable they will take the time to speak to each woman separately and be honest about what is going on with the other woman. — Ladies, with this one it is kind of a hard pill to swallow because there is not a large pool of decent men who mark off all the things we are looking for and when we do find that man our naturally instinct is not to want to share him and I said that to both of these guys. If I really like someone, I don’t want to see him with another woman regardless if our situation is casual or not, but I understand their point of view too and they both have said that they don’t go to the same place with the different woman so it limit the chances of running into each other and having any issues. So they do make a conscious effort to keep their ladies separate from one another.

“Hoes Balance Society”: These are the wise words from one of craziest fellas. He says look, you can be married, dating, focused on work and have a lot of things going on, but every now and then you just need to let loose, drink, fck, do some crazy shit, and get home safe. I love this man.

Don’t Bring Any Corny Dudes Around Us: Now this one is specifically for me. They strong on me not dealing with any nonsense from any man. Because no. 1, they are guys so they know how other guys are. No. 2, they are going to size him up to make sure he is good enough for me and No. 3, regardless if he is good enough for me or not the fellas are still going to hug on me, be fresh with me, talk shit to me and be how they normally are with me so if I man I bring around a man, he’s going to have to be very confident, otherwise he’s going to be upset with me and assume that I have something is going on with one of the guys. Yeah, I’m just not going to bring anyone around them. And they told me that I better not be on any dating apps. Another funny thing is if I am out with one of them and they see a guy trying talk to me but the guy doesn’t seem up up to their standard or my standards they will act like my man. The last friend I hung out with he went to the bathroom and another man came up to him and asked if I was with him. So I guess my friend knew he wasn’t for me told the dude, “Yeah, that’s my wife.” And this type of thing has happened a few times where one of the fellas will block a guy from talking to me because they knew it would be a waste of time for me.

One of the main reasons I love these guys is because they tell me how it is, they don’t water anything down for me, there is no bs-ing with them, and they are so supportive of me living how I want. So yeah, those are my fellas. I rock with them.

February Summary

“I love it when a man breathes me in when he hugs me.”

Did you all survive February? 🫠 I am finally feeling better. If you remember a few weeks ago I caught some kind of stomach bug and it had me down and out. Now I’ve got to catch up with myself, get a mani/pedi, freshen my hair, and put on some decent clothes and step out for a little. I know some of you noticed the pending topics that’s been sitting for a while, I promise I’ll get through them soon. When I start a new topic, sometimes I don’t have enough content for it so I'll leave it in draft mode and come back to it later to add more info. Bare with me a little longer.

The Effort Series

I’m going to get back to this…eventually.

And I see some of you are still asking about the two men I mentioned recently. As I said in my response in the previous post, I am keeping everything as is. With the younger man, he is on the track to do great things and I don’t want to derail him. I will continue to be his friend and encourage and support him as much as I can. He has so much he wants to accomplish and I want to see him reach all his goals. And to be very honest, if I were to rank him against other men I know (older men) he’s probably up there with most of them if not above some of them and that’s to take away from the guys in my life. It’s mainly because of his behavior, his self awareness, and what he talks about. He doesn’t talk about superficial things like going out, or hanging out, or buying sections or luxury things, he more talks about investments, residual income, equity and things like that. His mindset is that same as where I was when I was his age, but with me, my progress took a little longer due to having children. He doesn’t have kids, which I why I last said he stands to make more money than me in the next few years if he keeps on this focus. He’s a really good guy and he’s very conscious of himself which explains how he treats people with generosity and respect, but he’s not soft, don’t get it confused, he’s very masculine and firm, he’s just very aware of himself. Listen, we may not always make the right moves, we’ll slip every now and then, but I think highly of people who acknowledge their pitfalls and make strides to be better.

Now with the other man I mentioned, he is older and he has already accomplished some big goals in his life and ever since I met him, I have been very supportive of his endeavors. I do think sometimes he gets in a crossroads with himself as far as his choices and wanting to be who he believes himself to be or how others believe him to be. Hey, he’s a grown man, and it’s not my place to identify other people’s demons, with what I’ve been through and where I am in life, I wish everyone serenity with their decisions.

Anyways, other things we covered this month are zodiac sign compatibilities, you guys giving me pointers on my own love life, keeping our relationships private vs. keeping them secret, and making sure we are choosing the right partners for the right reasons and if we’re just having fun, then make it clear, otherwise emotions can get too far involved and then you’ll have to deal with something you didn’t intend to. Aye, all is far in Love & War, but damn, let’s try to limit how much we are battling.

Love Me When You're Ready, Not When You're Vulnerable

06/10/2023: You readers are really trying to piece together “who is who” in my life 😅. And some of you are connecting the nicknames I gave the men I mention more recently to some of the previous topics, like this one. I wrote this back in February, so not too long ago. And some of you readers really make me blush with your messages 😳! A good number of you are really invested with me connecting with one of these men. Most of my thoughts from this topic are still the same, not thing has changed too much. There is more and less progression, but nonetheless everything is still as it has been with my love life. And if you guys are paying close attention then you know what my current love status is. 😏

“People like us never go hungry because there will always be someone who wants to feed us, but the problem is we can’t eat everybody’s food.”

A few of you keep inquiring about 2 things: The last man I was involved with and the young man I won’t get involved with. Now, I told you, I’ll share some of my experiences, but there is a limit to how much I’ll say. So let’s do this…

  1. The man I was last involved with: It dissipated around May 2021, it started around August 2020 right around the time Covid restrictions were getting lifted. I mentioned we had already know each other for several years and we fooled around on and off, but didn’t really get serious. (*This time around had the potential to be more substantial than the other times) So again, this lasted until May, a month later I had a car accident and a few months after that I had to deal with something serious that changed my whole outlook on life. We lost touch during that time, I’m not really sure why, those months are still a blur to me. I think overall, some of our issues were that my schedule had me spread out which made my availability limited, which at times made me seem distant. And I don’t think he had the patience for my sporadic time and I wasn’t always at ease with his impatience. But the funny thing is, how we are towards each other now is good and I think it’s because there’s no pressure to be or do anything more than just friends who catch up and laugh…well, lately he’s acting a little out of character, but I think there’s something he has to come to terms with or deal with on his own.

  2. The young man I won’t get involved with: I told both of my best friends about this guy and these heffers are telling me to do the whole “Stella got her groove back” type thing and we all know how that movie ended…yeah, I’m not doing that. Let’s stick to reality here folks. This 20-something years old is gorgeous, I give him that. But his attractiveness does not overshadow the fact he cannot empathize where I am in life right now. And again he is great, he’s career focus, manages his money well, he’s very chivalrous, he’s close to his family, and he constantly compliments me (which I love), but I just can’t do it. I cannot play with him, I don’t want to hurt him. I know people and have seen people get caught up like this and get themselves into a mess that they have to clean up afterwards, I am not going to be like that. I will continue to be friends with this young man, but that’s it. I cannot be vulnerable with him.

Speaking of vulnerability, let’s go on to the topic…

The Effort Series

I used to be good at doing a sultry gaze...don’t know if I still got it though.

Sometimes we fall victim to getting ourselves into situations because we’re lonely, vulnerable, or just not thinking clearly. Nobody wants to be just a time-filler in someone else's life. When you're dating because you're vulnerable, you're more likely to make decisions that do not have the best outcome and then you may become dismissive towards the person or relationship altogether. It's human to be flawed, but you need to be accountable for the ways you treat people you are in an intimate relationships with. If you're hesitant with the next steps of your relationship, take a step back and figure out why that is. Is it you? Is it them? Or did you just get caught up in something you didn't intent to?

Vulnerability can convince us to thinking we’re doing something right and disguise it with fun times, but really our judgments are clouded because we think all types of happiness is healthy. It’s not. — READ THAT AGAIN. It can be hard to distinguish if our decisions are truly good for us or if those decisions will become lessons. All of my relationships have been lessons in one way or another, but the most interesting thing is that each relationship was different, how I approach it, how I viewed it, and how I handled each man was different from the last. Some situations were just having fun, some were significant, and some were "Oh sh*t, what did we get into?". But I can honestly say each man I’ve gotten close to either shown me something about myself or brought something out of me I didn't know I had. Although, I'm not saying it was all good things 😆.

I still want to learn from my relationships, but not learning things that separate us, rather leanings things that keep us close and growing together. I guess a little part of you has to be vulnerable to be open to someone. It’s just finding that healthy balance and making sure we're not completely going down the wrong path and opening ourselves up to the wrong types of relationships. We get involved with people for many reasons and sometimes it leads to something unexpected or it leads to exactly what we intended, but who can predict what happens? I think the reality is we have to know what we want and not mislead what others may want from us.

Hugs and Kisses

Ladies, don’t let any of these clowns make you feel like you aren’t enough, fck them. If a man wants easy, let him have easy. There is also a difference between a man being predatory towards younger women, having an identity issue with younger women, and misunderstanding what he’s doing. Maybe my opinion doesn't hold much weight because I’m not sleeping with anyone, so I don’t care what these men do.— But hear me out…

After my intro in the last post about telling ladies not to worry about men who aren’t of their statue and who entertain the younger generations, I got endless amount of messages for a lot of you women sharing your stories about heartache dealing with the same issues.

Ladies, I need you all to love yourselves. And I need you all to have friend groups that support all that you are. Affirm yourself no matter what status you’re at in life as long as you are striving to be better and be happier. I’m of a certain age and I’ve not had a lot of relationships, but I have had hurtful dealings with men. And guess what, I didn’t let any of the situations stop me from being great, I might have paused a bit to cater to my emotions, but after that, I went about my business. And please don’t assume I’m good because of how I look. I know how I look and I know how men look at me, but that’s not a major factor of my self-esteem. My confidence comes from the fact that I’ve been able to push through any difficulties that face me and know that whatever I grow from is going to build me to be stronger so I can conquer the next hurdle. My confidence also comes from the fact that each stage of my life, I’ve elevated. I’m not at the same place I was 20 years ago or even 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. And my peace is knowing that I have people who love and see me for me, not for what I can do for them.

Song: “Can I” by Kehlani

So ladies, if you have a man, a lover, or a sweetheart, that’s great, but don’t lose yourself in them. Because no matter how that plays out, you still have you. And that’s what I’m teaching and showing my kids, no matter who they love, they still need to take care of themselves too. When I am going through pain or a stressful situation, sometimes I seclude myself so I can figure out how I want, should, or need to feel. I may book a spa appointment, go on a weekend trip by myself, stay in bed and watch tv all day, or just head out to have a drink. You have to reconnect with yourself. Love can stress you out and these men sometimes don’t make it better, but you can’t rely on them for that.

Don’t get me wrong, there are amazing men out here. Much of them are my friends, and they are so amazing that sometimes when I am hanging out with them and one of their sweethearts are around they still see about me first and make sure I’m okay and having a good time before checking on their lovers. Most men are not like this, but that is the difference with my friends seeing and loving me for me because they know as strong as I can be, I’m still very delicate and they treat me as such. And this is what I meant when I say having friend groups that support all that you are. I remember one time, one of my friends got stood up on a date and she called me about it. I told her to stay put and I got dress went to meet her because I wasn’t going to let her waste her efforts of looking nice and letting some clown make her feel bad about herself. But I like being that type of friend for my friends . Although, you should have people who do that for you too.

Find your groove with who you currently are. Embrace it all, even your flaws. Fck these men. A lot of them never know what they have until it’s gone. Let them miss it and go on about your life. And Baby, don’t let the pain keep you from having love in your heart because trust me, there is going to be someone who matches your energy and you’re going to be so thankful that you didn’t let the heartache turn you cold. And be patient with your heart it goes through a lot so take care of it. Okay?

Hugs and Kisses - Raya L.

Selfish

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

So lets start this new year on a high note. All last year I advocated for you all to love people, give them grace, give them time and space to get through their own dealings or whatever they need to go through but don't forget to do this for yourself too. Be Selfish with yourself, your mind, your body, your spirit. Everyone doesn't always deserve your time and energy. You need to keep some for yourself too. One week I can be very social and talk or text someone every day and the next week, you may barely hear from me. This does not mean anything is wrong (although, keep in mind it’s still good practice to check on people, just incase there is an issue), but most of the time I allocate my time and energy sparingly.

Last week I watched a dear friend try to hold back the tears when talking about a loved one he recently lost, but I couldn't hold back tears and even though it wasn't my loss, I still needed time to decompress the emotions I had for my friend and his family. I only reached out to people who knew him also and closed myself off to those who didn't know him or the family. I send comforting messages to all those people and even the one person I have a colorful history with, I decided months ago and I would not let any past issues to get in the way of sharing love towards him too…despite hearing and seeing certain things, but I’m not making that important because not letting go of pain keeps us in that moment and doesn't allow us to move forward (maybe one day we’ll be able to have a reasonable discussion about the little details, probably on a day that doesn’t end with “Y” - inside joke). Anyway, I tend get very selective during sensitive circumstances because I know I cannot fully be myself when I'm affected by something. So yes, people may hear less from me when I do this.

When things occur that make us emotional or requires making multiple decisions, we have to separate ourselves from the world to focus. I have a very unhealthy habit of suppressing my emotions and eventually it affects my decisions and how I behave. Some people see me as cold and standoffish while others see me as warm, but extremely private. I never liked sharing all of my news whether good or bad to people. I guess that’s selfish of me, but it also helps me think through what I want for myself. People are not one dimensional, we have layers and I don’t always pull back all of mine. And how I make decisions or get through things is something I am going to continuously learn to do because every situation isn’t going to require the same thoughts. I always want to be bettering myself whether or not people see that. Those who understand the process of growth, also understand the growing pains.

Enough with the cerebral talk…with keeping on the topic of being selfish, Fellas you can stop here. Ladies, to those of you who are on the same path as me and keeping your goods to yourself until someone helps you decide otherwise, I came across this very interesting necklace. And if you read my post about pH Balance, I am still very serious about not letting anyone mess that up and I don’t know about all women, but my pH balance is very sensitive. My body can tell within hours if something is not right with my Hello Kitty. Even when I was trying out different soaps and body washes, that girl down there let me know right away what she did and didn’t like. But anyways, about this special necklace, Ladies go ahead an use the CONTACT ME feature to learn more about what I found and to those of you who already know about it, we can share notes.

The Vision Board

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

This will be the last post of 2022. I am going to enjoy the last few days of this year and I hope you take advantage of that too. All of you have made this year very interesting, getting into 2022 was a little rocky, but we smoothed it out and keep the laughs going. By the time May came around, I let other people’s issues stay with them and celebrated myself and oh what a celebration it was because I was very choosey on who I surrounded myself with, no one new, no young minded people, no one who would make me feel uncomfortable, and definitely no one who has shaded me, flaked off or didn’t have good thoughts about me. — No, I didn’t want anyone like that around me while I toasted up to my happiness. You know, there can be much to say about the people you decide to celebrate things with. I know I chose well.

If you ever want to read through any previous topics, you can go to the top menu and can click on “All Blogs & Articles” (hyperlinked) or from this page, just scroll to the bottom and see all the topics by month. And you all contributed to the creations of these topics. - Thank you.

I don't get into the whole vision board fad where you cutout pieces of a magazine and glue them on a poster board to visualize what you want in the new year…yeah it's basically a school art project. I’m not discrediting the value in this activity, I've been told it can be very relaxing, inspirational, and encouraging. My 2 bestfriends hosted vision board parties where I of course chose to be absent from. — I tolerate doing many things more often than I actually like doing them, that sounds bad, it’s just sometimes I do for others to make them happy. I’m the same about people too, I tolerate a lot of people more than I like them.

And I guess I have to answer this one question I keep getting from so many of you…No, I did not get involved with anyone this year and even as this year is ending and as I write this up, no one has came through to change my mind. I see and hear things about some men and even though we should not believe everything we see and hear, I’m practical enough to come up with my own conclusions about people. This entire year, I did not have anyone playing with my emotions and I plan to have the same energy going into 2023. And with us having few more days left, I am definitely starting the new year very happy knowing that no one is taking advantage of how reasonable I can be with relationships and men. (I know…you ladies don’t see eye to eye with me on certain things.) Just be sure to have a man who keeps you feeling loved and knows how to protect you from any messes he might make. Okay? — There are 2 things I have added on to my list of standards for a man: 1. If it comes to light that he was fooling with someone he denied sleeping with, that is a no for me. We are adults, what is the point of lying about who you you’ve laid with? Guys, if a woman is asking you about someone, there is a good chance she already has an inkling about something. Lying to her about it not only avoids her emotions, but also makes her feel less valued to you. 2. A man who never sees his actions, behaviors, or how he handled something as being wrong is also a no for me. No one person is always right in everything they do, so what makes you think you are?

But, do I have a set of goals for the new year?

Well, I’ve got 2 and a half more years before I can add “DR.” to my name. I guess my goals with that is to not get overwhelmed and keep pushing through. I’m working on a prototype that is in line with my applied research about professional training and development, so that is an objective that is going to last for a few years. My career will be in the same field, I am going to expand upon it a little more and create something that is going to help others get to a professional level where they can develop universal skills and transfer them into various industries and markets. And I have been wondering if I need to step away from this site as to not dilute my professional goals. This is the casual side of me, but the business side of me is very different. I guess I will have to find a way to infuse my two worlds. I’d hate to have to shut this site down, because I enjoy doing this too…luckily it’s not something I have to think a lot about any time soon.

One of my biggest thoughts is my oldest heading off to college next Fall. That is a major accomplishment. I am 100% a single parent, I did not get the luxury of co-parenting, although my family has helped a lot over the years, but when it comes to actually raising my kids and teaching them good values, it’s just me. I take them to their appointments, I stay up with them when they are sick, I answer their questions, I pay for their school expenses, I speak to their teachers, I expose them to different experiences, I follow up with their progress, there is no one I can tag in to do this for me. Those of you who are single parents, but still has the other parent present, consider that a blessing and be grateful even if you do not get along with each other. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, just at the very least, be there. My kids are still thriving despite only having me, because they have my family and their fathers side of the family. I could sit here and say I wish things were different, but why? My kids are happy, healthy, smart, creative, funny, and becoming people who I know will do great in life. They are not products of what’s missing, they are products of what continues to be here.

That is no different from us being a product of our pains, pleasures, lessons, and defaults. — It builds character and we can always develop ourselves to be better. Happy New Year everyone.

100/50/0

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

How much should you give to a relationship? Any relationship? 100%? 50%? 0%? I think this question is very situational because it depends on the factors of your relationship with someone. Even work relationships are push and pull and it varies with what the tasks there are. In my friendships I do try to give my best efforts to let people know I care and want to be present for them and be as supportive as I can. Although, I look at my intimate relationships a little different, because I categorize them right above friendships and right below family (unless there is a ring involved, then it gets moved up to family.)

For instance, there have been a few times where I was a guest for my girl friends’ events and even though I was not hosting, I still went around to see if other guests needed anything and made sure they were comfortable and enjoying themselves. I felt like as a friend, I wanted to be helpful and fill in where I saw gaps. There was also a time I was out of town at a tailgating event with someone I was seeing and then, we had only known each other for a few months then and even though he did not ask me to help with anything, I still made sure people had food, drinks, trash was collected, and the little details for taken care of. — Maybe this is just part of my character? I just feel inclined to not just show up, but also be involved. *I also made a point to pay for part of the hotel expenses because I did not want him to think I was taking advantage of his financial contributions. I don’t like being one of those women who’s just there to be pretty. And like I said, we were still new to each other and I did not want to give him the wrong impression of me.

I believe when I am in the moment with someone, I give my all, my time, my attention, etc. But that does not necessarily mean I am giving 100% all the time. You will get my undivided attention when needed. It would not be realistic to give you all of me all the time. When I am in front of you or directly interacting with you, that is when you are getting 100% of me. When I am not around you, I am delegating myself between other things that need my consideration and efforts. I also pay very close attention on who makes plans to spend time with me or if I am always the one who reaches out and makes an effort. Especially if I am going through some things, I notice who decides not to be present for me, I read people even from a distance. I can still be kind to those people and speak to them with love, but I'm cognizant about keeping a wall up with them. — If you can't handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.

Anyway back to the numbers. I think many times these ratios are being confused with finances and how much of your monetary assets you are bringing to the relationship in exchange for intangible benefits, for example, a man who pays all the bills and a woman who maintains the home and family routines. This arrangement works for many couples, but I tend to want to bring sustainable assets to the relationship too. I want a man to do for me because I bring something of value to him, but I also do not want it thrown in my face if he ever feels that my contributions are not equal to his. Just like with anything else, this is a working relationship. — Discuss your objectives, address any concerns, and develop solutions.

However you believe the percentage should be, you want the other person to be on the same page as well. Because you do not want to be solely dependent on someone or someone to be solely depending on you, whether is financial or mental. It can be draining and cause resentment or conflicts in your relationships. It should not be where it’s “If you do for me then I will do for you.” This isn’t a quid pro quo matter, you guys know what quid pro quo means, right? Everyone here old enough to know what pink slips are? Anyway, rather it should be in your relationships, “Let’s do for each other and help one another fill in the gaps.”

Listen, out in the world, I’m strong, driven, and independent, but if I’m in a relationship or have a lover and we’re in the house, I want my man…ALL OF HIM. I want to be close to him, snuggle up with him, smell his manly scent, feed him, ask about his day, know what was his favorite cereal as a kid, find out what mixtapes he used to have, scratch the back of his neck, kiss on his face, sit on his lap and just be all over him…yeah, I want to smother and suffocate him with my love. I want to throw him a party and show up as the gift! 😅 This is why I believe you should not share your intimate self with everyone because I want to be able to give all my good energy to one man and I only want one man touching me.

And here is some unsolicited advice, you can take or you can throw it out: Don’t want the relationship more than you want the man. Let that twirl in your mind for a bit. It’s not going to mean the same for everyone. I tell my girl friends who are married and have good husbands who love and take care of them to not lose sight of their man because a lot of things out here are garbage. — Trust me, I see it everywhere. You guys do what is best for you. Be safe out there.

I’m Not Your Type

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

A few posts ago I was talking about a guy in my life and I mentioned that I don’t believe I’m his type. I still sort of think this is true, but this topic isn't about me not being his type, it’s more about understanding your type.

I May Not Be Your Type

But I’m the type you don’t ever forget about.

I’m a thinker. I’m very analytical, task oriented, and process driven. I observe many things, so yes it’s safe to say I have an opinion about almost everything; I may or may not voice it but it's definitely on my mind. So if a man does not like to be asked questions or even challenged to consider other perspectives, he’s not going to like me.

Also, I am NOT free spirited. Let me repeat that, I AM NOT FREE SPIRITED. I may have been that when I was a teenager without any substantial responsibilities other than my left and right foot, but since having children, leaving their father, reconstructing my goals, maneuvering through my career, staying conscious of my finances, and surrounding myself with progressive people, I have a lot to account for.

Don't misinterpret that into thinking I don’t go out and enjoy myself, of course I do, but for the most part I consider how my decisions may affect other aspects of my life. And yes, I’ve taken risks and had some risky behavior but nothing that could have potentially damaged my family, my future, or what I wanted for myself. That term “free-spirited” is almost becoming nails on a chalk board to me. I more use it to describe children who are carefree because they don’t think about the after effects, they just do as they please, like my own children. For those of you who use it for reference the type of people you like, that's fine, but I would not describe my type of person as being free spirited, I want him to be conscientious…I want a grown man. Not a man who looks grown but has a lot of young tendencies. And this is not to be confused with having good energy.

I don't mind being out at a party, club or lounge, but that's not something I want to do all the time for fun. And I don’t surround myself with those who always want to do just that because you are a good as the company you keep. I do have people who I consider my “party friends” and if I'm going out and making a night of it, I’ll reach out to them. But as far as people who know me, know my character, my personality, my moods, where I’m at in life, those are my core connections. So if all a man wants to do is show out for people or try to keep up with the younger crowds, I'm not his type. — Sweetheart, go do you and chase those skirts. I’ll be home watching a movie. Don’t call me.

I’ve cultivate a set of preferences and priorities based on what I’ve learned, experienced, and enjoy. I'm not still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. No I'm not sure of everything, but I am certain that I want to keep myself pampered, entertained, independent, grateful, appreciative, and humbled.

I also want to keep my mind full of substance that continues to improve my way of thinking and my way of life. A man who is stagnant, says “this is just how I am”, keeps making the same mistakes, not willing to be enlighten, and is not inclined to step out of his comfort zone, isn't my type.

Having a comfort zone is great, but never wanting to leave it doesn't expose you to any new possibilities. You can still keep parts of your comfort zone, just be open enough to expand it. And if this makes you think I’m being invasive and wanting you to change, I’m not your type. If I’m wanting you to step out of your box, it's because I want you to have a new experience, a new vision, a new feeling, a new perspective. If you don’t want it, that’s fine — I don’t want you.

There are people who think things in theory, but in practice it’s different. For instance, in theory they believe they are open minded, but in practice they want to stick to their original thoughts. In theory they think they're not young minded, but in practice they like being part of a younger crowd and connecting to their level. In other words, practice what you preach. I can't stand when a man who contradicts himself or when I mirror his same behavior, but takes offense to it even though he downplayed my feeling when he did the same (yes this has happened so many times in my experiences with men). — Like, you can allow a girl to be all over you, but when a man is showing me that same attention, you want make it seem like it’s poor character on my part. So why wasn’t it poor character on your part? Although, in reality, if sleeping with someone, I’m not going to allow any other man in my face and I’d definitely not do that in front of him. So if you're the kind of man who encourages a woman to entertain other men so you can justify entertaining other women, I’m not your type. I don't know how open relationships work, but even if I were in one, I still wouldn't want my man to talk about his time with other women or tell me to go meet other men.

Overall, we all have a type and it’s the nuances in our personalities that make the difference of what we can and cannot work with someone else's personality. You want someone who balances you and there's a good chance that they won’t be exactly like you, that’s the beauty of it. I don’t want to be with someone just like me, I do want us to have common interests, but I also want us to have our own interests that we still support. I’m not the type to push you to change, I’m the type to show you that change can be good.

*Unless you want me to give you a son to carry on your name, don’t do this. 😼

When You Love Someone

“When you love someone you just don't treat them bad.” - Donell Jones (Where I Want To Be, 1999)

There’s been a lot on my mind the last few days, people, situations, circumstances, everything. But you know what I still take time to reach out to people because I either love them or have love for them. And I am noticing more and more people don’t do the same. It’s a bit disappointing, but it still doesn’t deter me from still caring and asking how people are. Especially during this time of year where studies show how people are more prone to stress, anxiety, and depression for various reasons.

I read somewhere that over 50% of people have no internal dialogue…like no personal or original thoughts. If this is true, some people I know are starting to make a lot more sense to me…just completely dense.

Even in my writing I mention or reference people and sometimes I talk about hurtful experiences with some of them, but I really have not ill feelings towards anyone in my life. We are all very different and we interact with people differently. Even the last man I was sleeping with, I do not have any issues with him, we are harmony…well, the best harmony we can give each other. And even the 20 something year old who I mentioned is very sweet on me I have nothing bad to say about him. He has severely irritated me recently. He’s just young and really doesn’t grasp the concept of what I occurs in my life. He keeps sending me text messages saying “Hey” — That’s it. That’s all he says.

The first few times, I entertained it and responded in kindness because I figured he did not have much to say want just wanted to say Hi. But then he kept sending that one word message and I’m just like….See this is why I can’t be with anyone young. There is no substantial dialogue and when there is some sort of conversation it is very dense and superficial. I don’t really follow today’s music, I stopped watching those stereotypical reality shows and dramas years ago, I don’t like discussing other people or getting into their personal business, so I can talk to you about the simple things, but it can only go so far. Either way, I don’t have anything bad to say about that young man, he’s sweet, and I said before he is farther in life that most of his peers, he’s not in a dead-end job, he has his own place, he doesn’t waste money, and he’s on a good path. I’m just can’t mentally keep taking a few steps back just to carry a conversation.

Someone asked me if I am noticed my conversations with people are not as stimulating as they used to be because I am in a doctorate’s program. I have noticed that mood becomes a bit stale when someone isn’t saying anything intrinsic, but it’s been like that for a while now.

Anyway, let’s get off of that, this topic is about love.

I know we all define love differently and sometimes we do hurt the ones we care about, but is there a limit? Like is there a moral compass on what lines we should not cross? I think so. Say if you are involved with someone and you tell them you love them, is it odd that they don’t share to others that they deeply care about you? Like how can you love me, but you downplay your feelings about me to other people? I completely understand not letting people into your business, but if you have strong feelings for someone, shouldn’t that at least be known?

Love does make us do unexpected things. It’s an odd emotion. Love makes me drop everything and take a flight to comfort a friend. Love makes me defend people even when they don’t deserve my support for them. Love sometimes keeps me quiet in order not to cause a conflict. Love also sometimes has me accepting that people will never understand who I am when I am willing to understand them. Love is happiness and love is pain.

This is one of my Godsons. His mother and I have been friends since grade school.

When the love is good and genuine, you never what to let it go, but everything doesn’t last forever. You just have to enjoy while you have it. Remember when I said I got put my shoes back on after getting comfy in the house just go catch up with a friend I rarely see? That is the type of genuine love I have for several people in my life…getting uncomfortable to go towards comfort. — I hope that makes sense.

But when love is pain, it can tear us down and eat away at us. I told someone that “Pain never really goes away, we just learn to manage it better.” And that goes for any type of hurt we experience because pain is pain and none of us is immune to it and there is not a way to categorize what type of pain is worse. You cannot tell someone what they feel isn’t as bad how someone else may feel. Again Pain is Pain, just like a sin is a sin, whether it is lying or stealing, it is still a sin, correct?

The hope is that we get through any pain and become stronger and still be able to show and give love to people. And I want to believe that people do not intentionally seek to hurt anyone that’s why I tend to give people more grace than they may deserve, but sometimes people make decision to just appease themselves and you’re just in the crossfire.

I want to keep being happy

I am not in love, but I have love and give love and I think that is the best thing we can do for others and ourselves.

SIDEBAR: If you guys partake in watching adult entertainment, then you know who Mia Khalifa is. I did not bother to watch this show/podcast, the headline just caught my eye because it’s been a hot topic here and everyone has their own views on it. If any of you watched it, let me know what the conversation was about, is a man really lacking something if he is dating someone who is 10 or 20 years younger than him? (I know the last man I was involved with was over 10 years, not over 15, but at least 10 years older. Our communication wasn’t awkward because I had already experienced a few major milestones in life and our paths were parallel to one another, so we were able to discuss things that were relative to each other). But is a man lacking something mentally, emotionally, or something that he see it better to impress a younger woman than a woman his age?

Requiring The Bare Minimum Is Not A Goal

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Did you guys get enough to eat last week? I didn’t go overboard and do the big family dinner. My spawn of joy hung out with me for a week and we made an agreement that we were all in charge of different meals. My son, breakfast, daughter lunch, and I made dinner. It was simple and suited for just us three.

I did however get a chance to catch up with a good friend. So let me tell you about this man. I rarely ever see him because he never answers the phone! We chat a litte during football season because he one of those who roots for the Cowboys...yeah, we all make mistakes. But anyway, I sent him a message wishes him happy holidays and he responded back inviting me to grap some drinks with him. It was passed 7pm and I was settle in, but because it was him and I rarely hang out with him I decided to get my shoes on and meet up with him. And he's part of the select group of fellas who I absolutely love and adore (granted, I met all of them through someone I began sleeping with, but we still made our own individual friendships with each other and that's what's important). We had a great time, talked about different things going on in our lives...and like most of my guy friends, he asks if there is someone special in my life, so I explained to him where my mind was at and how I want to be sure of certain things with a man before getting involved again. He was very understanding and said some encouraging things to me and like the other fellas in this select group, he hugged me a few times and kissed my forehead as a gesture of love and friendship. And our dialogue is relevant to this week’s topic.

Ladies, this one is for you. Fellas, you probably need to know this too.

Telling someone you are low maintenance is really not what you want. Now if you really don't go out or much or are focusing on certain goals right now, that’s great, but that is not low maintenance because you are putting forth a lot of effort to create a life that suits you. And if you don't need a man to call or text you everyday, that’s also not low maintenance because you have other things in your life that need your time and attention too.

My cold weather “uniform”

I've even said before that I don't require much from a man because I expect him to at least do the minimum which is reach out me, converse with me, and plan to spend time with me. That's not much, but with how I like things, that will be too much for a man who's not of my caliber. What is simple to me may be complex for you. I don't expect every man to be a gentleman but I expect every gentlemen to know how to treat a woman.

Listen, I'm good on life. I am high maintenance. I take care of myself in the sense of I maintain things that make me happy and keep me motivated. What may look like luxury to others may just be a choice of comfort and convenience to me. Just like people who go on strict diets and spend hours working out, they are focused on taking care of their bodies. I'm focused on taking care of the life I want.

I want for a man to be into me and invested in who I am. I want for a man to show me he cares about me. I want for a man to catch me off guard and impress me. I want him to miss me when he's busy, not just when he’s lonely. I want a man who still chooses me even when we’re arguing. I want him to have a crush on me even after he gets me. I don't have to be involved in everything a man does, but I still like to feel welcomed to it in some way even if he just tells me, “Hey, I plan on going with the boys to LA next month” — Okay, cool. Have fun, tell everyone I said Hi and be safe. Because I at least appreciate him letting me know his plans even though it doesn't directly involve me.

Some of you know Method Man after he evolved. I knew Method man before his evolution…we are not the same and she ain’t me.

I have mentioned before about the last man I was involved with we were very much into each other and he was very engaging towards me, inviting me to come out and introducing me to people and communicating with me frequently. But after a few weeks, I noticed his energy shifted even though he said everything was fine when I asked him if something was different. — You know when something has changed, you can feel it. And I started to wonder who he really was vs what he was telling me. You know how some people try to justify their bs by pushing back on you like you're the one who's being too much? I felt like he was doing that to me. I was a little hurt and there were times I’d make excuses for him to help me alleviate some of my hurt and confusion I was feeling. I’m keeping that pain in the past because if I don’t, I’ll never be able to accept any future blessings. Although, I don’t want to go through that nonsense again with anyone. I’m not one of these women who keep making dead-end choices with their lives, work, friends, family, money, relationships, etc. I’m someone who strives to keep elevating. I cannot have someone who tries to reduce me especially when I’m letting my guard down.

So even though you may not want to put pressure on a man by letting him know the caliber of woman you are, you still have to him know that you have a set of standards and it's okay if he can't meet them, that just means he's not for you. I want a man who is about me and stands by me. Say if were hanging out with a group of people and I’m ready to leave. I don’t expect him to leave with me, I’d appreciate it if he does, but if he still wants to hang out, that’s fine. Although, if after I leave and people are kind of make side remarks like, “Why is she acting that?” “She’s no fun.” “She’s being standoffish.” — I don’t want for the man I’m sleeping with to co-sign their comments and encourage any negative thoughts about me, I want for him to defend me. So if that is too much to ask of a man to do, then yes, I require more than the bare minimum. I don’t need our particular situation to be serious, but I want him to be serious about me…does that make sense? I don't want a man who worries what other people see with me. I want him to stay focused on what he sees in me.

If you tell a man you only require the minimum, he's likely to just give you the minimum because that's what you told him you wanted. Remember in another post I said to not limit your value? Setting the bar low for these men is not going to achieve much. Do you want to go to a GYN who graduated at the bottom of their class or at the top of their class? Give your heart the same criteria because a man who is on the same level as you isn’t going to feel any pressure because he knows what all it takes to be above the minimum. That's what you want.

Why Do Men Do This?

Next: Watch this video.

Now I'm not saying all men are like this, but I am going to say that too many women have made men to believe they can treat you any way because you make it too easy for them. WHY?! There's 8 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. So unless you have self-esteem issues or plan to stay in your little town and not explore the world, I’m not talking about going to Atlanta or Miami or any of those superficial places where all you do is get meet strangers and drunk. I’m talking about taking trips that open your eyes to all the possibilities life offers. There is no reason for you to let a man walk all over you. Some of you women stress me out with this nonsense. And some of you men do too because you know what you're doing with these girls. 😮‍💨

Why are men so hard to communicate with? Anytime you ask them about something or call them out on something their go to line is usually something like, "Believe what you want." And then they turn it on you like you're the problem. The craziest thing to me is men are always saying women never admit they are wrong when men too have an issue admitting to their wrongs. The thing is, women may say or think the wrong things, but men actually do the wrong things.

Coat: Express | Scarf: Burberry | Cream Sweatsuit: Rehab Couture | Shoes: Adidas

And Ladies, I get it, if you like a guy you want to do anything to have him, but Baby, let's not limit your worth for a man who isn't half worthy of you. You're parading around here trying to be all he wants you to be and getting influenced by everything he’s telling you, but your not seeing how he's using your soft spot for him to only benefit himself. STOP THE DUMB SHIT. Because when men like that get around me, I'm apply pressure. I’m not just going to sit here a let you manipulate my emotions to second guess what I want and what I deserve. I’m as reasonable as they come and I keep telling you guys, whatever foolishness you are getting into out there, don’t let it affect what’s going over here. For us not to have drama, don't do something that catches my attention and causes the dramatic.

I don’t care what our situation is, if we are together or just talking and bonding, don’t let your past or whatever you may still be doing in your present to upset my peace and joy with you. Read between the lines of what I am saying. Ladies, I know most of you hate my mindset on this because you think it goes against loyalty, but you have to think about it like this, loyalty isn’t just about not cheating. Loyalty is partly about maintaining a strong understanding of things that you will and will not tolerate and making sure your bond with a person is protected. I like to be practical about men.

So practical that if I see a young lady who always finds a way to be near you and you let her get affectionate with you and I ask you if you're fooling with her and you look away or down when you're answering and you keep skip around my question…Ummm Fam, you're telling on yourself. There's no reason to hide it from me, you are literally displaying it, so just answer the question. 😐 I really don’t understand why men get like this. You either are currently fooling with her or something intimate happened that you don't want to say because you keep telling me you two are just “friends”. Okay 😒 I hate when men try to say they aren't doing anything extra with a woman when they're actions say differently.

Black Turtleneck/Legging Set: The Daileigh Shop

I like having guy friends who openly talk to me without any filters. I have friends who are amazing husbands, but I know some of them do things their wives don’t need to be stressed over. So they are careful and strategic with keeping any nonsense away from their marriages. They are not making more families or homes, they are doing what they do outside and still taking care of their families and keeping things stable. I don’t agree with it, but I respect them for how they do that. Men like this definitely do not display narcissistic behavior towards their wives or the main woman in their lives because that woman applied pressure and set the standard of what she will not tolerate.

What I don’t respect is men making women believe he’s going to leave his family and women holding on to the idea that if he does leave, they are going to have a worry-free life together. I told you I stopped being friends with a woman like this, right? That girl had severe self-esteem and moral issues. I can't be close to someone like that because that’s just going to bring me down.

But it’s a mix of woman being closed minded, not knowing their worth and men taking advantage of that, but when you question them about things they're doing they feel like you're being too invasive and that they are being unfairly judged or you don't understand them, because apparently people like this are never wrong. 🤨

Are You Who You Believe?

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

I’m an “excitable” personality, meaning I can be abrupt and abrasive when I want to get my point across or when I just want to vent and say something out loud. Right now, I’m making strides to be better with my communication tactics and to get better at keeping in contact with people and responding to them in a timely and speak good things to them. I can go through distant phases and although people who have known me for a long time know that I mean no harm by it, but is it good practice? Probably not. It's really just bad manners. 👎🏽

You have to think that some people may not NEED you to respond, but instead just appreciate a response. Even if you're busy, you can take a moment and say, “Hey, I’m in the middle of something right now, I’ll call you later.” Or “Hey, I got caught up on a project today, sorry I didn't respond sooner.” Or “Hey, I’m not myself right now, I'll call you in a few days.” — You don't have to share all the details on what's keeping you tied up, just at least let people know you did get their message and you’ll respond when you can. I can't stand the read receipt features, it’s like you're micromanaging your text messages and can cause you to be upset if someone read your message, but didn't respond. I know iPhone has that feature kind of like back when people used Blackberry messenger. 😒 (Yeah, I’m revealing my age a little here.)

Do you know people who you feel you can't give your honest opinion about them because they take it as you're picking at them, or grilling them, or not accepting them for who they are? When really you just see something that isn’t making them as great as they should be. I feel like men are more like this, when you try to share something honest with them and they get defensive and make it seem like you're the one with the issue. — Nah Fam, you’re out here looking like a clown and I’m just trying to tell you about it. — A good friend should be able to tell you when something isn't a good look for you. But hey, if you want to be out here spinning your wheels and stuck going through the same motions, knock yourself out. 👍🏽It's like stop trying to tell a story that your actions don't prove.

You should have people in your life who challenges your bad habits and encourages your good ones. I believe everyone has room to improve upon themselves otherwise you are content and stagnant. And it's not just personal improvements, it’s also financial improvement, relationship improvements, improving your surroundings and the people around you. If I'm the best person among my group of friends then I won’t be motivated to change anything because everyone around me already thinks so I'm perfect so why change? But you also have to think, if these same people are not motivated by you to improve themselves and they stay stagnant, then you're not really doing them any justice either. You're just passing the time with them. — Which sometimes we need people like that in our lives, but we don’t get too close to them.

Some of you have even asked me how to get started with your own website and how to earn money from it. I gave you some pointers, but I also told you it’s going to take time and effort before you start seeing revenue and rewards. Just like with my career, it took a few years before I started earning money that took me into a different tax bracket. But it also took me deciding what type of life I wanted. When I was 19/20 I worked in retail. A store at the mall and I knew this wasn't something I wanted to do long term. Same thing when I was 15/16 and working as a hostess at a restaurant, not for me. So I had to get focused and plan out the money I wanted to make, the skills I needed, and the education I had to earn. And today, things are great, but it can always be better.

No, you are not your career and you are not your money, but those things can improve your life further more improving how you view life. I’m about to have a child in college, she may or may not work while in school because I told her I’d cover all her expenses the first 2 years (and I'm not sure what scholarships and grants she might get, so hopefully my bill won't be too high) and she'll probably have the traditional college life, studying, partying, staying out late, etc. But if my baby is doing better than you or has more ambition than you or you're living similar to a college student minus the studies then how am I going to consider you? Are you where you want to be and are you who you want to be? It’s a bit weird when there is such an age gap between two people, but they seem to have the same mentality. 🤔

I like having fun people around me, but I also like having motivated people around me who are on the same wavelengths in life, who not only make me feel great about who I am, but also inspire me. People who want to keep climbing, I’m not retiring yet and I want to keep my lifestyle a certain way, so I’m still hungry. 😋

And with many people they don’t always remember everything you've done, just the last thing you've done. I learned this in business. I also learned that most men are like this with women, how you made them feel last is what they think first. It doesn't matter if you’ve always been there for them, but if you upset them recently they hold it against you and forget everything else and not think about what you're possibly dealing with 😔. One of my guy friends told me once that someone we both know bullshits a lot, meaning he doesn't always let people know what’s really going on in order to save face or keep a certain image. So he’s not always who he believes he is. I’ve said before that men are stupid right? 😒

We have to remember that we are not the only ones in our lives, don’t mistreat the people who only wanted to love you. And apologizing is not a weakness, it's actually an amazing character trait that shows your willingness to grow and have empathy. ❤️Goodness, if only some people knew all I did in the background to make sure they were okay…but I rather keep that to myself. 🤐

If you say you're a good friend, are you a good friend or are you selective with your friends? Do you notice when you're friends are there for you even if they just stay quiet in the background? What about you as a partner? Are you supportive and listen to your partner? Do you notice when you partner is down? Do you try to make their bad days good? How about family? Are you really who you believe yourself to be? Or can you do better?

Against The Odds

I had to add a response after getting several message regarding the guy I mentioned in the audio.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. This one is a little longer because I mentioned some personal things that is not written in the content, **Not an intimate man in my life, but a man in my life is brought up.

Most of you think I'm always dressed to the nines, trust me, when I write these things I'm usually in sleep clothes or an oversized t-shirt. Although, I have gotten comfortable with wearing sweatpants outside the house. And I do not really go out often, contrary to popular beliefs. Yes, after a long day or week, I have some go-to places I like to visit, but I don't really make plans to make a night of it. I just like to have a drink in social atmospheres. When I run into people I know, I do stay out longer, but initially my intentions are normally to have 2 drinks and go home. I am very much a square. And I'm sure whoever I get involved with will appreciate that I'm not a woman who's always about town. Which leads me to this topic…

I am generally in front of my laptop 8-14 hours a day. I started setting up alarms on my phone to remind me to step away from the screen so my eyes can readjust.

So some of you ladies have voiced your disappointment for me because you feel that I encourage infidelity. How you interpret my words is most likey based on what you've already predetermined about men, relationships, and possibly me. So I'll relay the same message again…

Many times I’ll say that what a man does when I’m not around is not a major concern for me, BUT it will become an issue if what he does negatively impacts my health, my stability, and my overall happiness. I generally keep all this vague because I want you to interpret it in your own way that works for you, because what works for me may not be something you agree with. — We don't have to agree to be happy with our relationships or ourselves.

No, I’m not saying it’s okay for a man to cheat his partner, I don't ever condone that. What I am saying is that a man has to be consistent in securing his partner and still making her feel valued, wanted, cherished, and loved no matter what he does especially if he wants to keep the relationship going. Reassuring a woman is a unique skill and when a man is able to do this, everything and anyone else is just background noise. Furthermore, not every man is capable of managing his behavior and his emotions when it comes to other women in his life and this is what causes conflicts with the main woman in his life. Many times when men go out and do whatever it's not because they are missing something with the woman he's already with, it's more often because someone else wants him and men find it appealing to be wanted, it feeds their pride and egos. Some act on it. Some don't. *More in the audio.

These are what my nights usually look like. Food in bed, a book, and tv on in the background.

Even though 2 people come together in a relationship, they are still 2 separate people who have their own thoughts and opinions. Yes, there will be some similarities, but they are still 2 different people, not clones of each other. So there are elements of their lives that won't directly involve the other. Again, I don’t advocate or support men to act against the love and commitment towards their partner, I more encourage women to not solely focus on what is not happening in front of them and instead focus on how the man treats them and makes them feel. Your life cannot revolve around one person because then you become dependent on them for your happiness. Whether you are married, dating, or just casually involved with someone, if you only look to that person for your own validation then you will always have an issue anytime they are not around you.

If I am involved with someone, no matter what the status of our relationship is, there are still some proprietary elements that I want protected which includes my heart and my health. My main gripe is when I don’t know my place with a man and he doesn't make it clear, instead he plays on my emotions and makes me feel like I’m wrong when I speak on what bothers me. *More in the audio.

I strive be in bed/sleeping between 8p-10p each night.

I am usually very laid back and go with the flow. I'm very much a “guy's girl” in the sense that I like going to bars, I watch sports, I talk shit, and I'm not stuck up or hard to approach, but if I'm fooling with you in any type of way and you try to challenge my intelligence and rationale, then that's the shit that will trigger a very ugly side of my attitude.

Don’t let what you do out there negatively effect what we have going on over here. Don’t let people out there try to influence you to act differently with me. And lastly, don’t do shit in front of me that you know will be a problem.

This doesn't mean I promote infidelity, this encourages a man to maintain a level of respect for his woman by keeping the nonsense away from her, because that's what most of you are worried about right? Is having to deal with any nonsense a man causes, but if it never comes to your attention or if he's still on top of make you feel number one, then what's the problem?

Enjoy your life and if you have someone, enjoy your life with them, but don’t get caught up in the “What if he’s doing something when I’m not around?” Focus on the “What he’s doing right here, right now, right in front of you.” — A good man is going to always make you feel valued and cherish even when you’re not seeing eye to eye, he is still not going to let any outside factors come between the two of you. Love that about him. *More in the audio.

Make It Mean Something

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

I got a few comments from you guys from the last post about one of my guy friends who doesn’t like it when I wear revealing clothes. Some of you feel he is a great friend for wanting to keep my safe, while others thinks that he should not have a say in what I wear. Let me defend my friend here….

I had so much fun wearing this wig!

He wholeheartedly cares about me, we have known each other since we were kids and have seen each other through many life events. He did not and does not like my ex, but he tolerated him out of respect for me, so of course he was elated when I left that relationship behind me. But as far as him being particular with what I wear, it’s only when he and I hang out where we were raised the men in the northeast are a bit more aggressive than men from other areas. Sometimes it’s harmless and it’s just in their nature or demeanor, other times it can get out of hand and that’s why my friend feels the way he feels about me showing a little to much body. He’s had to step in against his own friends who tried to be a little too forward with me, because in his mind, not only am I a close friend, but I am also a woman and most men can physically dominate me, so he doesn’t want for me to get into a situation that could damage my life and because of that I do not mind covering up a little when I am around him.

Moving on….

You have know idea how much attention this $16 dress from Shein got!

So you guys remember when I said I decided last year that I wouldn't get intimately involved with someone? I still stand by that. The “sex only” stuff is not for me. I need it to mean something otherwise you’re wasting my time. The whole “it’s just sex” mindset can be used on those malleable girls, if you remember the video I shared from Shuler King, then you know exactly what I mean.

I want you to be of value to my life if I’m going to allow you to have a personal part of me. Give me advice, challenge my mind, share your thoughts, incorporate something of importance to you into my life. I cannot lay with you if all you can offer me is just your body, anyone can do that. I can't think of you intimately if you disappear, avoid me, or you are not available during times where I may need to lean on someone. That doesn't mean I will always need to lean on you, but at least you care enough to be there for me if I do need you. What sense does it make when you're only present when you want to have sex, but gone when I’m not at my best? In that case, You can stay gone. I do not want someone who sleeps with me and then throws in the towel when he feels he’s being pressured to be more than just a body to me.

Giving myself to someone who isn't engaged with my mind and spirit is like rewarding someone for just existing. You cannot just “exist” with me, especially if you want me, you have to add substance. I want to cherish the times I spend with you, not just clean my sheets each time. I want to laugh together, eat together, talk about our days together, I value companionship.

Now, with that being said, my schedule isn't so open to always have time for companionship, but with someone who doesn't get upset, make assumptions, and is understanding of times I need to work, study, be with family, catch up with friends, or to just be alone, then he’ll definitely get my efforts to show him my appreciation. Even if it does not become anything very serious, I still want it to mean something while we’re doing this.

Look Out For Her When She Doesn't

Yes, postings are still off schedule and this is being published a few days early. I've got a few deadlines this coming week and had to get this done sooner. 😉

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

All of my posts are pretty relative, of course, they are based off my opinions, perspective, and experiences. It usually takes me a week, sometimes two to complete one post because I brainstorm a topic once day and then come back to it few days later to add more, to edit, to review, to add photos and voice overs, so it does take me some time. This topic in particular is very relative because even though this post has been drafting for over a week, a few nights ago I went out to a bar that I’ve never been in an area that I’m not familiar with and of course I was by myself. I very much enjoyed my time and the people in the bar were very welcoming and catered to me. I am always impressed with the hospitality I get at random places, I’m not sure if it’s just charisma or that I am very personable, but I am always grateful that I meet nice people and that I get home safely because the reality of it is I do put myself in situations that could potentially be dangerous.

———

I’m going to be a little transparent with this post because I am aware that my personality isn't always very welcoming when people try to show they care, especially men, because I instantly think there's another motive for their kindness. I need to stop that. You can still accept a man's affections and keep your boundaries intact.

I decided to make a little change, let’s see if my MALE friends notice. 😏

Several years ago a group of friends and I went to an outdoor concert. We all went separately, so we all parked in different areas. At the end of the concert I could not exactly remember where I parked, but I recalled the direction of the parking lot. My male friend volunteered to help my find my car, but I was adamant that I could do it myself, so when he was off asking security where the different parking lots were, I walked off towards my car. I did locate where I parked, but shortly after my friend drove around and kind of yelled at me for walking off and lectured me about safety. Instead of pushing back, I just dropped my guard and accepted what he was telling me.

Another male friend, whom I grew up with and do not see very often, does not like it when I wear revealing clothes. His concern is the type of attention I attract and how he may need to shield me from men being too aggressive or rude. And although I like to wear what I like, I understand his sentiment for me and our overall safety. So, on the rare occasions that we do hang out I keep my attire more modest. If we lived in the same city and state, he would be the one to make sure he gets me home safely even if he wasn’t out with me that evening. But I wouldn't take advantage of that.

There was also a time when I went on a trip with a group of friends, it was a mixed crowd, men and women. I traveled there by myself and got my own hotel room. Of course we all went out on the town, had fun, was drinking throughout the night, and a few of us got into the same Uber to go back to our rooms. I was the only one who booked a different hotel from everybody and when it came time for me to get out of the car, one of the guys in our group suggested he walk me to my room. I initially declined and started to ramble on about how I’m okay to go in alone, but he interrupted me and said that I’ve been drinking and that it wasn't safe for me to walk in by myself. Before I could decline again, he told the driver to wait for him and then he proceeded to take my hand and walked me through the hotel, to the elevator, and down the hall to my room. He stayed outside of the room and then told me goodnight and to lock the door.

If you’re uncomfortable with this, then you’ve never seen a woman in a swimsuit or seen lingerie ads. My girl friends get bothered with these types of images all the time. I always send them random boobage pics. 😝

In these three mentioned scenarios, I love it when a man looks out for me, especially when I don’t expect it, argues against it, and on top of that, does not want anything in return other than knowing I’m ok. There's not a lot of men like this. Remember the “I’m Not Like Other Guys” post? Yeah, this falls into that subject too. And to add a little more to that, even if a man isn't in a formal relationship with a woman, but sleeping with her, he still should protect the connection he has with her and not show out around other women otherwise, he is like most men.

But back to this topic, a lot of men would avoid the hassle of trying to look out for a woman when she's being difficult or if he believes she doesn't need his assistance. NEWSFLASH: You always make sure a woman is safe. I appreciate the men who do this for me and don't act differently about it when other people are around because they know I normally go places by myself. It would be different if I always had at least one friend with me, then of course my friend(s) and I are going to look out for each other, otherwise what good of friends are they?

But there's always women who linger on to a man even when she’s out with her friends and finds a way to separate herself from her friends and convinces the man to drive her home. I never had that mindset. Whoever I’m arriving with, is the same person or people I'm leaving with, although this is easy for me because 95% of the time, it’s just me. But I knew a girl who always came out with her friends, yet would have a certain guy drive her home. The guy made it seem like he was just being nice, when he probably just wanted to be alone with her too and not realizing how it’s making her feel special for going out of his way or maybe they had something going on. Now that I think about it she did always seem to be where he was and certain things he would say let me know they had many personal conversations together, so maybe he invited her to wherever he was? And she always sent her friends off and waited for him to take her home. Either he was oblivious to it or he knew what she was doing and again wanted to be alone with her. Who knows, not my business.

But I do love it when a man takes the time to make sure nothing happens to me even if I’m just walking around the corner or down the street. Like I said, I’m not always accepting of a man’s help or concerns for me, but sometimes I do need to be reminded that the world does have evil people in it and bad things can happen at any time especially to a woman who is by herself. See the dangers that I don’t see. So with that being said, I don’t think highly of every man, but I do think highly of every Gentleman.

Men Have The Audacity

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Let me start by saying I have just as many guy friends as I do girl friends, but there is usually an imbalance of who I hang out with more because I do not always agree with every woman’s common perspectives on men and relationships and my girl friends don’t usually like my input. — Ladies, sometimes we have to take some of the blame when relationships fail or if you are constantly looking for love, but love never finds you. There is a statement I saw that reads: “None of my exes are married or in happy relationships, so I know I wasn’t the problem.” - This may be true for some of you, but what about the latter? What if almost every ex you have went off and got married? Then does that mean YOU were the problem? I guess that would all depend on how many relationships you had, the longevity of each one, what transpired within the relationship, and what caused it to end.

BUT, let me get back on track…when men fck up, they fck up pretty bad, but downplay it like what they did wasn’t big deal. In the clip created by Jess Hilarious, it emphasizes a man being upset that a woman is possibly seeing other men. Then she responds to him by stating he has a NEWBORN. I think this information implies that the man was sleeping with other women while in some form of building or starting something with her, but he is making it seem like it shouldn’t be an issue.

A clip from comedian, Jess Hilarious.

Of course this is an exaggerated example, but it brings light to how men behave and still expect women to fall in line with their bad behavior. Okay, so you can go and have a child with another woman, but I have to be okay with it and still give you a chance? THE AUDACITY. It’s similar to him saying he’s interested in you, but then talks to other women and gets upset with you when you talk to other men, like you cannot dare do the same thing he’s doing.

Real Life Scenario: I was involved with someone and those of you who’ve been coming to this site a long time know I don’t entertain multiple people. So the guy and I are out one night having fun, enjoying the crowd and talking with people around us. I think nothing of it. It was a good night. But later on the guy mentions that I was acting different when another man came around (WHAT?). I was really trying to wrap my head around what he thought he saw and the actual reality of the situation which was we were have conversations with everyone around us and I didn’t change my body language in any way to make it seem like I was giving someone other than him special attention. In hindsight, that was an insecurity on his part. If he had an issue, he should have addressed it sooner than later because the sooner you address something, the better perspective you receive. I noticed he would casually bring things like this up, making assumptions I was talking to other men. It wasn't until later on I sensed he did this to justify himself, to deflect his poor behavior and lack of consideration for me because one time he let another woman be all over him! IN FRONT OF ME. It wasn’t one of those things where a man is dancing in the moment and just enjoying the atmosphere and a woman around him is doing the same. No, it was him letting this girl fondle all over him, sit on his lap like they were a couple and him just soaking it up and smiling about it. Fam, you do that on your own time, not when the woman you're sleeping with is around you. And then he acted like I was the one with an issue when I had an attitude about it. 🤨 — Okay Sir, be out here and clown all you want to. I told you men are stupid, right? Yeah, STUPID. This is why when you fck up with me, there’s no chance of you ever getting close to me again, so let’s hope that move was worth it. I wish you well and all the happiness the world believes you deserve.

Bralette: Savage x Fenty Collection

Never in my life have I ever had to approach a man so I definitely don’t feel I need to chase one. If a man is not attracted to me or does not see how great I am, that’s fine, I’m not going to force anything on him — and me questioning certain things isn’t forcing, it’s gaining clarity. Some men don’t know this difference and thinks a woman is pressuring him. Like when you bring up things that bother you he makes it seem like you're the one that's being a bother. 😐 Fam, I'm trying to communicate my feelings to you! And the kicker is they think you're trying to argue when it only becomes an argument when they get offended and want to turn it back on you. Because they don’t understand emotional intelligence and aren't able to process how their actions affect your feelings 🙄

On the other side of the male spectrum, you guys remember the young man I met and decided not to string him along? Well, he still reaches out to me now and then and every time he does I more and more realize he does not understand or want to understand everything I need to do to maintain my life. I’m not going to go into details and I know he means no harm because again, we are at different stages in life so he cannot relate to me and of course he won’t full grasp why I’m not always available. But every time he reaches out to me it’s a constant reminder of, “Girl, you don’t have time to explain it to him, just type LOL and go.” He will be a great partner for someone one day, but I’m not her and I’m not about to waste his time while also wasting my time.

I don't need attention from everybody. If I like you and want to build something with you, I only want attention from you. It would be great if men started to practice this type of thinking too. This is called Accountability over Audacity. Let’s all work on this.