Cougar-ish

“How long should a woman keep being selfish with her Hello Kitty?…And when does the “cougar age” begin?…Asking for a friend.” 😂

The last few months I have gotten so many messages from women telling me about their personal experiences with dating younger men. Some good and some not so good, but with all of the stories I read, ALL OF YOU NEED JESUS!

Thank you to all my willing and non-willing participants. - Love, Raya 😘

If anyone is new here, let me give you some background on why women are sharing their experiences. Last year, I met a young man whom is over 10 years younger than me. Nothing has developed other than a friendship because I let him know I cannot offer him anything more than just that. Every now and then, he tries to convince me otherwise, but I still stand my ground. He does have all the accolades of a man my age and older and I do love how he talks to me (he makes me blush sometimes with the things he says), the way he dresses could be a little better, but he’s 25 and he’s in that generation of questionable style, but he does have a beautiful smile, and very muscular…he’s a gorgeous young man, but I still will not let him have me. I even asked one of my guy friends what I should do with him and he told me that I don’t owe him anything and I have the upper hand so I can do whatever I want with him and not feel guilty about it. I think the guilty part is what keeps me from letting this young man pull my panties to the side. He’s from Chicago, so that’s what I will refer to him as.

But the stories that YOU LADIES shared with me…I feel like I need to take my brain out and wash it several times over because you are too much! But in each story, the ladies made it clear that the experience was purely for their pleasure and entertainment. Some of the women spoiled their young men, flew them out on trips, took them shopping, had them run errands, or do chores around the house….and I am just fascinated! I am capable of doing things like that for a man and I do not have issues spoiling a man, but it’s the thought of doing such things and when he cannot do the same for me is another thing I am stuck on. But Chicago is cable of treating me because he already has a professional career with a 401k and substantial savings…I still can’t give into him though.

One of you ladies suggested that I just try him out to see if this is something I can be comfortable doing. I’m like “try him out?” — He’s not a pair of shoes, he’s a person. He has feelings. I can’t just put him back on the shelf if it’s not a good fit. My guy friends tell me that if I do decide to do anything with him and I do not like the whole experience or vibe then I can just cut him off without explanation. Hey, I’ve mentioned plenty of times that my guy friends are a little unfiltered. And you know what I realized a few times when hanging out with them, I don’t think most of them know how old I am. I think they may presume I am close to their age because I connect with them very well and effortlessly, but realistically, most of the male friends I communicate with often average 8-14 years older than me. Some of them have asked me my age, but I never gave a straight answer.

“Bitties”

Dear Future Lover,

Treat me good and you will have it ALL.

As far as this whole idea of being involved with someone much younger, there is no convincing me that this is a good idea. Another woman shared that she was fooling around with a young one in college and even attended his graduation and went to his graduation party WHERE HIS FAMILY WAS AT!!! 😮 Yeahhh, I don’t want to meet any family, especially parents. Another woman shared that she went to her young lover’s baby shower, BABY SHOWER that was held at the expecting girl’s parents house! Of course I had so many questions for this devious woman! But what almost knocked my out of my chair was when she said that they had sex in the baby-momma-to-be bed while everyone was outside! I have no words. But you know what, I do like for a man I’m involved with to suggest risky things like that. 💦

From what I gathered from all of the ladies stories is that younger men want to please you because it boosts their ego and confidence to have an older woman so they are going to make more of an effort to give you what makes you happy, but they are still going to try to assert dominance because they don’t want to be treated like a child, so they may challenge you a bit…which I do not mind at all, I like for a man to put bass in his voice and check me sometimes 😼. They want you to know that they ARE grown men even though they are younger. Although, all of you ladies said in one form or another that the young ones still have their childish ways, but the good thing about being older is that you already have your life structured to how you want it, so you can close the door anytime if the young man isn’t entertaining anymore. — I’m like, Woooow, you women are COLD! 👀

I am still not convince that this is a route for me. Maybe in another 10 years, but I just cannot see myself in those kinds of situations. Chicago is just going to have to eventually move on or deal with me not giving in. 😌

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Selfish

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

So lets start this new year on a high note. All last year I advocated for you all to love people, give them grace, give them time and space to get through their own dealings or whatever they need to go through but don't forget to do this for yourself too. Be Selfish with yourself, your mind, your body, your spirit. Everyone doesn't always deserve your time and energy. You need to keep some for yourself too. One week I can be very social and talk or text someone every day and the next week, you may barely hear from me. This does not mean anything is wrong (although, keep in mind it’s still good practice to check on people, just incase there is an issue), but most of the time I allocate my time and energy sparingly.

Last week I watched a dear friend try to hold back the tears when talking about a loved one he recently lost, but I couldn't hold back tears and even though it wasn't my loss, I still needed time to decompress the emotions I had for my friend and his family. I only reached out to people who knew him also and closed myself off to those who didn't know him or the family. I send comforting messages to all those people and even the one person I have a colorful history with, I decided months ago and I would not let any past issues to get in the way of sharing love towards him too…despite hearing and seeing certain things, but I’m not making that important because not letting go of pain keeps us in that moment and doesn't allow us to move forward (maybe one day we’ll be able to have a reasonable discussion about the little details, probably on a day that doesn’t end with “Y” - inside joke). Anyway, I tend get very selective during sensitive circumstances because I know I cannot fully be myself when I'm affected by something. So yes, people may hear less from me when I do this.

When things occur that make us emotional or requires making multiple decisions, we have to separate ourselves from the world to focus. I have a very unhealthy habit of suppressing my emotions and eventually it affects my decisions and how I behave. Some people see me as cold and standoffish while others see me as warm, but extremely private. I never liked sharing all of my news whether good or bad to people. I guess that’s selfish of me, but it also helps me think through what I want for myself. People are not one dimensional, we have layers and I don’t always pull back all of mine. And how I make decisions or get through things is something I am going to continuously learn to do because every situation isn’t going to require the same thoughts. I always want to be bettering myself whether or not people see that. Those who understand the process of growth, also understand the growing pains.

Enough with the cerebral talk…with keeping on the topic of being selfish, Fellas you can stop here. Ladies, to those of you who are on the same path as me and keeping your goods to yourself until someone helps you decide otherwise, I came across this very interesting necklace. And if you read my post about pH Balance, I am still very serious about not letting anyone mess that up and I don’t know about all women, but my pH balance is very sensitive. My body can tell within hours if something is not right with my Hello Kitty. Even when I was trying out different soaps and body washes, that girl down there let me know right away what she did and didn’t like. But anyways, about this special necklace, Ladies go ahead an use the CONTACT ME feature to learn more about what I found and to those of you who already know about it, we can share notes.

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Selfish Acts

I had a difficult time organizing my thoughts on this one. I didn’t want to make anyone feel “selfish” but I also didn’t want to avoid the notion that how we act can affect others.

At different times in our lives we go through transformations, when something changes our way of thinking also impacting our way of living. When we make these changes for ourselves, Is it being selfish?

A friend of many years whom is now engaged (about a year, after 4 years of dating) disclosed to me that he made an act of indiscretion. I didn’t judge him or tell him he was wrong. He did express to me that him and his fiancé have been rocky for a while and when the pandemic hit, things did not get much better for the pair. They seem to have been arguing about the same issues over and over again. When my friend confided in me, I said to him that maybe he needs to see what else is out there, just to be sure this is the person he wants to spend his future with. I wasn’t making those statements to go against his fiancé, but rather I wanted my friend to understand that he doesn’t need to go through the same headaches. I don’t deny that he loves his fiancé, but how healthy is a relationship if you are constantly arguing about the same things? — Sometimes we need to let go of things we’ve gotten used to because we overlook how poorly it’s affecting us. I want my friend to be happy, he deserves it, but I also don’t want him saying Yes to a marriage that may not be healthy for him long term.

Another friend of mine is a bit of a workhorse, long days, longer nights with very few hours of sleep. It’s hard to have conversations with him sometimes and I do most of the talking when we do converse. I can always tell when he is half listening because tiredness takes over his brain and he disengages. Honestly, it pains me to see him so depleted at times, I just want to send him off to a remote island so he can shut down and close his eyes, but knowing him, he’ll fight me on that and refuse to go. I even once told his brother how worried I was about him. I think by default it impairs his communication in his personal life because he doesn’t have the energy and that so many occurrences are happening businesswise that he is unable to equally balance his relationships outside of work. I don’t want to be so bold and say it impairs his judgement, but I’ve seen him not make so great decisions because his awareness was lacking. I’m sure he receives flack here and there from other friends and family members. Yet, in this regard, he is getting more value from his ventures than what is being drained from him, so I can empathize with his want to keep doing what he does. Whether his behaviors are selfish, right or wrong, he has to make that call on himself.

Even in my personal life, I sometimes have to step back and assess if what I am doing is healthy. If my life is being influenced by someone else, if my actions portray good behaviors that I want people to show on to me, if I am being patient enough with people, and if I am really walking a path that will bring me everything I want for myself. I know my pride and my stubbornness interferes with how I act with people. Sometimes when I’m hurt, my pride won’t let me show it nor will it always let me admit when I’m wrong. I do try to make changes where I see fit. And sometimes those changes are disconnecting from people who no longer fit in my good space. You don’t have to keep everyone in your life and it’s not selfish if you cut ties. Some people are not meant to be with you long term, they are only there to show you what you need or don’t need. If you have been reading, then you will recall that earlier this year I walked away from an 8 year friendship because it was giving me more grief than peace. Instead of telling her that her choices were hindering how I think of her and how it was contradicting to what she was showing the world, I just let go. I didn’t give notice of my decision, I just stopped accepting calls and messages. It hurt to do it because she was one of the first friends I made when I relocated and also my best foodie friend, but it was necessary for me to realize what types of friends I want to keep in my life.

It’s not selfish to have standards. You have to set boundaries with friends and family and you definitely have to set boundaries with romantic relationships. It vexes me how some people resort to claiming that being in a meaningful relationship will solve a lot of problems and that you just have to let your guard down…WHY??? Time and time again people will tell me I am in danger of never getting into a serious relationship because I’m too head strong, I’m too smart, I’m too successful, I’m too determined, I’m too independent...blah, blah, blah.

• First of all, what do any of those reasons have anything to do with being in a serious relationship? Because I have focus? Because I take care of myself? Because I don’t want to be a dumb woman? Because I don’t want to pass myself around or waste my time with men who don’t know what they want? This makes me ineligible to be in a meaningful relationship?

  • SIDENOTE: I’ve been back and forth in a small town and one of the acquaintances I made said to me, “All they do out here is just sleep with each other and go on to the next one.” WHAT??!! Yeaaaa, let me continue to keep my standards up and be selfish with myself.

• Secondly, I wouldn’t want to be with a man who is intimated with who I am, who doesn’t match my ambitions, and who doesn’t support my goals. I am not for the weak.

Yes, I agree that people should be willing to open up to one another so they can get closer, but let me remind you, I still stand firm on a the fact that MEN SET THE TONE in relationships, how he approaches a woman, how he courts her, how he continues to show his interest, and how he relays information to her. I’m not about to chase down any man…tf I look like doing that? I make time where I want to and there are people I give grace to and who I am more patient with, but I am still not going to alter my life for anyone who doesn’t meet me at least half way. — Selfish? Okay, I’ll take that.

You should be selfish with yourself, your space, your time, and your energy. YOU are the one who is living YOUR life, you are the one making choices for yourself. You are the one who know you the best. So, if you have to make a decision that may not be understood by others, it’s okay…I mean, don’t be an ass towards people, but definitely do things that are in your best interest.

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