Cougar-ish

“How long should a woman keep being selfish with her Hello Kitty?…And when does the “cougar age” begin?…Asking for a friend.” 😂

The last few months I have gotten so many messages from women telling me about their personal experiences with dating younger men. Some good and some not so good, but with all of the stories I read, ALL OF YOU NEED JESUS!

Thank you to all my willing and non-willing participants. - Love, Raya 😘

If anyone is new here, let me give you some background on why women are sharing their experiences. Last year, I met a young man whom is over 10 years younger than me. Nothing has developed other than a friendship because I let him know I cannot offer him anything more than just that. Every now and then, he tries to convince me otherwise, but I still stand my ground. He does have all the accolades of a man my age and older and I do love how he talks to me (he makes me blush sometimes with the things he says), the way he dresses could be a little better, but he’s 25 and he’s in that generation of questionable style, but he does have a beautiful smile, and very muscular…he’s a gorgeous young man, but I still will not let him have me. I even asked one of my guy friends what I should do with him and he told me that I don’t owe him anything and I have the upper hand so I can do whatever I want with him and not feel guilty about it. I think the guilty part is what keeps me from letting this young man pull my panties to the side. He’s from Chicago, so that’s what I will refer to him as.

But the stories that YOU LADIES shared with me…I feel like I need to take my brain out and wash it several times over because you are too much! But in each story, the ladies made it clear that the experience was purely for their pleasure and entertainment. Some of the women spoiled their young men, flew them out on trips, took them shopping, had them run errands, or do chores around the house….and I am just fascinated! I am capable of doing things like that for a man and I do not have issues spoiling a man, but it’s the thought of doing such things and when he cannot do the same for me is another thing I am stuck on. But Chicago is cable of treating me because he already has a professional career with a 401k and substantial savings…I still can’t give into him though.

One of you ladies suggested that I just try him out to see if this is something I can be comfortable doing. I’m like “try him out?” — He’s not a pair of shoes, he’s a person. He has feelings. I can’t just put him back on the shelf if it’s not a good fit. My guy friends tell me that if I do decide to do anything with him and I do not like the whole experience or vibe then I can just cut him off without explanation. Hey, I’ve mentioned plenty of times that my guy friends are a little unfiltered. And you know what I realized a few times when hanging out with them, I don’t think most of them know how old I am. I think they may presume I am close to their age because I connect with them very well and effortlessly, but realistically, most of the male friends I communicate with often average 8-14 years older than me. Some of them have asked me my age, but I never gave a straight answer.

“Bitties”

Dear Future Lover,

Treat me good and you will have it ALL.

As far as this whole idea of being involved with someone much younger, there is no convincing me that this is a good idea. Another woman shared that she was fooling around with a young one in college and even attended his graduation and went to his graduation party WHERE HIS FAMILY WAS AT!!! 😮 Yeahhh, I don’t want to meet any family, especially parents. Another woman shared that she went to her young lover’s baby shower, BABY SHOWER that was held at the expecting girl’s parents house! Of course I had so many questions for this devious woman! But what almost knocked my out of my chair was when she said that they had sex in the baby-momma-to-be bed while everyone was outside! I have no words. But you know what, I do like for a man I’m involved with to suggest risky things like that. 💦

From what I gathered from all of the ladies stories is that younger men want to please you because it boosts their ego and confidence to have an older woman so they are going to make more of an effort to give you what makes you happy, but they are still going to try to assert dominance because they don’t want to be treated like a child, so they may challenge you a bit…which I do not mind at all, I like for a man to put bass in his voice and check me sometimes 😼. They want you to know that they ARE grown men even though they are younger. Although, all of you ladies said in one form or another that the young ones still have their childish ways, but the good thing about being older is that you already have your life structured to how you want it, so you can close the door anytime if the young man isn’t entertaining anymore. — I’m like, Woooow, you women are COLD! 👀

I am still not convince that this is a route for me. Maybe in another 10 years, but I just cannot see myself in those kinds of situations. Chicago is just going to have to eventually move on or deal with me not giving in. 😌

Codename: "Poppa"

“Sometimes we lose each other, but we don’t stay lost.”

In my last topic I gave a little shoutout to a special reader/listener, in this topic, I am going to focus more on this particular reader/listener. This person expressed a slight discernment of some of the things I was saying and felt I was being unfair with my content and believes I vehemently dislike them which is very far from the truth. I let the person know that I utilize my critical thinking using more social verbiage as I speak about my perception of interactions that I experienced.

I am going to refer to this person as “Poppa” which is actually the nickname I gave him very early on and Poppa is someone who I have interesting experiences with. All the experiences were not great, but not everything is always great, right? And I hate that he only sees my reflections as being all negative as opposed to being constructive and a way of learning certain antidotes on how to be with people and I don’t think he gets my humor sometimes. But I realized something the other day, we have become a bit critical of each other. Poppa, this is something I don’t think either one us is willing to admit that we created a sort of barrier and it infuses our good and bad over the years.

In the beginning, we had a sort of unspoken understanding that we are just going to the enjoy the moment and our geographical distance allowed us to stay fond of each other and during these times we gave each other a lot of praises and the element of mystery was not an issue.

We met on April 25, 2015 under unplanned and unexpected circumstances. I did not expect to hear from him again after this date.

In recent years, our geographics changed and we had more frequent face-to-face interactions. The recent years is where some of our not so great experiences came to surface and I reflect on those experiences a few times throughout the topics. I don’t think I discuss him any more or less than I discuss my relations with other people I know. And I do try to keep things open-ended and make it clear that it’s my opinion and not confirming it as the right opinion, because we all have our own ideas and perceptions on what is accurate depending on our feelings and values. Within the recent years, we had a period where we got a little closer than before. During this time, he was catering and attentive, much like how I first met him.

But here is where I think the conflict is. We are almost equal opposites in the sense that we have similar tastes in music - I always poke at him for wondering how good his ears are. We practice similar ideas of relaxing and having a good time - we welcome people and want everyone around us to enjoy themselves and Poppa, you won’t like to hear this, but people do notice one you are giving someone extra attention. Lastly, we are both established in our individual lives. With all that in mind, we are also very strong-minded in our views. I’m just going to use the word stubborn because, Yes, Poppa it can be like the pot calling the kettle black with me and you.

We always let things happen as they needed to.

We both like our space and time to decompress from people which can seem like we are being emotionally dry or distant, I don’t believe our intention is to be cold towards people, but sometimes we just need to disconnect. And the time when we were a little closer, there were moments when I wanted to connect and he didn’t and vice versa and our distant behaviors ended up being filled with other things that did not help us stay close and I know he won’t admit this, but I didn’t like it when he tried to downplay his friendship with a girl that I questioned him about a few times and a few other things he did that hurt my feelings.

Although, in my experience with him, I did learn that sometimes people phase in and out and we are an example of that. Sometimes we are very engaged, sometimes we are not. For instance there have been recent conversations with him where I think, Hmmm, that’s something new…and it really caught my attention. Like when he told me about a community service project he was part of and a few days ago he slightly mentioned he was mentoring. Poppa, I love these things! And I also appreciated when he and I bonded over a mutual friend of ours where Poppa called me to let me know what happened and a few days later we both sat together and reflected on our friend’s situation. I thought that was a sentimental moment.

“Poppa”

On this day we had no clue what was to come next.

So even though Poppa thinks I don’t like him or always attacking him, those are just small impressions to what I really think of him, it’s like 5% of his 95%. Yes, Poppa, I do get a little brash with you when you do things that harm your caliber. But, I also know that you have to process things though just like anyone else.

It is kind of like seeing someone walk across a street without looking both ways and you are just hoping the reach the other side unharmed. And I am not saying Poppa is careless person, sometimes I’m just like, “Baby, please think about this some more before you get ahead of yourself!” I also appreciate the company he has in regards to his college friends. I’ve gotten to know them over the years too and I love all that they are. And if I am being honest, my love for the friends is slightly different than the love I have for Poppa because he and I have different experiences with each other and most of the friends don’t fully know those details. And that’s another similarity we both share, we like our privacy, although his definition of privacy is a little different from mine.

So to my special reader/listener: Poppa you are great, I hate that you take my sentiments as negative jabs. Don’t assume that any of my reflections is a permanent mark of how I think of you. Because overall, I enjoy when we talk without restrictions and expectations. Now, if I start flirting with you, don’t act funny, because talking shit to you has been an issue. Enjoy your day, my love.

Be Strong For Them, Be Soft For Him

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. *My voice is still not 100%. 🤒

Being a woman of several achievements I have to maintain a strong presence in front of people, but I also have to show softness because….I am a woman. But you have to be selective with who you show your vulnerabilities to. You don’t want to get into a situation where you shown all your vulnerabilities to someone and they turn it against you to make themselves look better. You never know who has your best interest at heart or who even really is sharing their heart with you. Of course I'm talking about men in this regard. I’ve published many topics on what I want from a man and although most men may fit the standard they become complacent after some time and forget all the things they did you catch your interest. 😒

Dress | toxicenvyboutique.com

The last man I was involved with, we would sort of phase in and out with each other for over a span of many years and there were at least 2 points where we were really into each other like investing into what we both like and wanting to see each other and that was when we first met which was very unexpected because neither one of us anticipated keeping in touch for so long and the second time was when we reconnected after not speaking for a period of time. We would have our highlight moments and our mellow moments and I can admit there were definitely times when I was extremely vulnerable with him especially when there was a point where I had to make a decision that affected both of us and I was almost in pieces during that time. A lot of people don’t know or have never known my weakness or seen any or all of my weak moments, not even to my family. — Now that I’m really sit here and think about those times, it’s like, “What the fck was I doing?” 😵 Because that is always a concern of mine is letting someone see my vulnerabilities and fearing that they treat it like it’s nothing. But you know what? I do not regret showing him my weaknesses and being vulnerable to him in different ways because at those times, I felt completely comfortable with him, I trusted him, and I believed in him. And even though we are no longer involved in the same way now, we are civil, and regardless of what he thinks of me, I’m okay with him knowing that part of me because he was who I was sharing myself with at that time.

I told a friend that I don’t know how to act when I bring the “girls” out.

This is why I do not treat sex as just sex. I am allowing you into my life, I’m sharing my time with you, my personal space, my thoughts, my visions, my moods, my whole personality. I can’t just close off parts of me and still let you sleep with me. I can close myself off to others because they are not experiencing me the same way. Where I may have to maintain a certain persona for others, I should be able to let my guard down to someone I’m intimate with, right? Who I am in my professional life, my work life, my family life, and even my social life is different that who I am as a lover. I want to be able to relax around someone and not feel like I still have to maintain a rock exterior because he doesn’t want to embrace my softer side.

Ladies, you don’t want someone who wants you to fit his mold, you want to show your softness to someone who doesn’t have a mold. Someone who knows your day was shitty and still finds a way to make you laugh or feel better in some way. You don’t want someone who dismisses your vulnerabilities, but yet still expects you to understand when they’re feeling low. I told you earlier the last man I was with we were very much into each other in the beginning, talking to each other frequently, excited to see each other and would just completely enjoy each other. This is how you want it with someone, but not just in the beginning, you want it throughout the whole duration of your time together. You want someone who still shows they care after the first few weeks or months, for instance, I’ve been under the weather the last few days, I would have loved for a man to come bring me food or warm up my comforter or even simply asked if I needed anything just to make me feel better. I love it when a man wants to be present for me…I mean he’ll need to fight past my initial refusal for help, but after he conquers that, he may as well just go ahead an conquer me. — I’ll admit it, I’m on some bs when it comes to asking for help or saying I need someone. I’m working on it, never said I was perfect. 🥺

No, it won’t be rainbows and sunshine everyday with someone, I’m sure I’ve said that before, but if you both make it a point to clear the clouds for each other, then being vulnerable with that person should feel natural, don’t fight it. I had to learn this: when you avoid opening up and not showing your softer side to someone who wants to care, it can cause people to become closed off to you. So you don’t want to be destructive and block your blessings by feeling like you still have to be strong when you have someone who is willing to hold you when you’re not.

I want to end with this thought: Sometimes what we want isn’t what we need and I think this is a lesson we just keep having to learn because with what we want, it is what motivates us and pushes us; what we want is a goal, but what we need tends to humble us, keeps us grounded, and reminds us that we don’t have to be so hard all the time. And if you think about it, sometimes the people we butt heads with the most are the people who are more like us. Either that, or it’s people who want us to be our best and tries to get us out of our comfort zones, but we keep going back and forth with them because we don’t want to go out of our comfort zones.

I embrace every year that I age. I’m so happy I didn’t get into any drugs or smoking, or damaged my organs, and that I took care of my skin because I have seen people younger than me look like they surpass me by at least 10 years. And I love a man who appreciates a woman aging gracefully.

Sometimes people can see when we are not living up to who they know we can be, those are the people who pay attention to us. I tend to question my friends when I see them doing things or surrounding themselves with people who don’t highlight their best traits. One of my friends has people around him that he has know for a few years and I’m not too keen on them, I don’t really share my opinion on it because he considers them as friends and he has fun with them and that’s great, but I do feel like those people kind of drain him and I know people who have known him for 15 plus years and they are the caliber of people who can attest to his character because they’ve been around him and seen him in many scenarios. Although, those fun, free-loving people are cool to pass the time with, there is a limit to how much we allow them into our lives. No matter what type of a connection I may have with someone, if they don’t have the same types of things going on in their lives that I have to account for or be responsible of, then there is only but so much I can relate with them.

Friends should not have to tiptoe around each other when we are making questionable moves. I want you to be great because I know you can be better than what your are showing me right now. — No reason to get upset or defensive with people when they are just trying to open up to you because they see something that isn’t good for you, they are just trying to look out for you because they care. So in this sense, allow people who care about you to point out your vulnerabilities and weaknesses because they just want you to be the best you can possibly be.

Make It Mean Something

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

I got a few comments from you guys from the last post about one of my guy friends who doesn’t like it when I wear revealing clothes. Some of you feel he is a great friend for wanting to keep my safe, while others thinks that he should not have a say in what I wear. Let me defend my friend here….

I had so much fun wearing this wig!

He wholeheartedly cares about me, we have known each other since we were kids and have seen each other through many life events. He did not and does not like my ex, but he tolerated him out of respect for me, so of course he was elated when I left that relationship behind me. But as far as him being particular with what I wear, it’s only when he and I hang out where we were raised the men in the northeast are a bit more aggressive than men from other areas. Sometimes it’s harmless and it’s just in their nature or demeanor, other times it can get out of hand and that’s why my friend feels the way he feels about me showing a little to much body. He’s had to step in against his own friends who tried to be a little too forward with me, because in his mind, not only am I a close friend, but I am also a woman and most men can physically dominate me, so he doesn’t want for me to get into a situation that could damage my life and because of that I do not mind covering up a little when I am around him.

Moving on….

You have know idea how much attention this $16 dress from Shein got!

So you guys remember when I said I decided last year that I wouldn't get intimately involved with someone? I still stand by that. The “sex only” stuff is not for me. I need it to mean something otherwise you’re wasting my time. The whole “it’s just sex” mindset can be used on those malleable girls, if you remember the video I shared from Shuler King, then you know exactly what I mean.

I want you to be of value to my life if I’m going to allow you to have a personal part of me. Give me advice, challenge my mind, share your thoughts, incorporate something of importance to you into my life. I cannot lay with you if all you can offer me is just your body, anyone can do that. I can't think of you intimately if you disappear, avoid me, or you are not available during times where I may need to lean on someone. That doesn't mean I will always need to lean on you, but at least you care enough to be there for me if I do need you. What sense does it make when you're only present when you want to have sex, but gone when I’m not at my best? In that case, You can stay gone. I do not want someone who sleeps with me and then throws in the towel when he feels he’s being pressured to be more than just a body to me.

Giving myself to someone who isn't engaged with my mind and spirit is like rewarding someone for just existing. You cannot just “exist” with me, especially if you want me, you have to add substance. I want to cherish the times I spend with you, not just clean my sheets each time. I want to laugh together, eat together, talk about our days together, I value companionship.

Now, with that being said, my schedule isn't so open to always have time for companionship, but with someone who doesn't get upset, make assumptions, and is understanding of times I need to work, study, be with family, catch up with friends, or to just be alone, then he’ll definitely get my efforts to show him my appreciation. Even if it does not become anything very serious, I still want it to mean something while we’re doing this.

A Few Good Men

I need to brag on some of my male friends. There is only a handful of them who have no ulterior motives when I hang out with them. I don’t speak with them all the time, may once a week, maybe every few months, or maybe only once a year, but anytime I am around them, I feel loved, supported and protected. 😊

They make me feel very comfortable and respectfully correct me or challenge me to think beyond my emotions. But one of the best things I love about them is that they always make me feel great about myself. No, I never had an intimate relationship with any of them and none of them have seen me in an inappropriate way. *There was one evening recently when I was out with a few of them celebrating a birthday and my low cut dress kept having a mind of its own and trying to show my areolas (see photo, that's the look I was wearing). A couple of the guys delicately fixed my dress throughout the night. Yes, their hands graced my breasts and maybe a nipple, but it wasn’t in a way where I felt fondled, offended, or uncomfortable; in other words their hands didn’t linger on me.

And anytime I’m out drinking with them, they always offer to either get me a hotel room, welcome their home to me, or find a way to get me home safely. Even though I always decline their offers, I love their warmth towards me and how they look out for me. There are only a select few people who I feel safe around when I am drinking a lot, hence why I don’t drink with too many folks.

All of these men are highly attractive and are established well in life; most of them are married or in serious relationship and many of you know my stance on taken men (not the way I move). As for the single ones, there's a line I won't cross due to other factors on top of my personal values.

When you have men who genuinely care about you and who don't take advantage of your friendship with them, you start to learn a different version of love and understanding. Through these amazing male friends of mine, I've learned another level of patience, empathy, and ambition. Plus, they encourage me to keep my options open as a single woman and want me to have a partner who equally values me just as much as I value him.

For instance, I’m sure they would not want me invested in someone who spends intimate time with me, but then turns around and invites another woman to the movies or the bowling alley and when someone mistakenly mentions it to me and I ask about it, I get this line, “Oh, it was nothing like that.” — Sure Fam. Somehow she just guessed you were going to be there and expected you to take her home afterwards. Yeah ok, go ahead and exit stage left because your act is redundant. *(If you’re going to do fck boy things, then do fck boy things around people who don’t know me or who know the code of propriety with two people who are sleeping together). You can enjoy yourself, but make sure to not let anything questionable get back to me.

I would not have any issues introducing my guy friends to someone I’m involved with and I don't doubt that they'll let me know if someone isn’t for me or if someone is playing foolish games with me. I fully believe they want me to be happy and want to see me thrive in life just as much as I want the same for them. There is really not enough words in the world to fully explain my appreciation for these guys; I am blessed to have them.

*Either that or it’s these new natural body oils I’ve been using that’s keeping everything healthy.

The Energy You Give

The energy you give is just as important as the energy you allow yourself to take in. Energies can easily be changed, shifted, and influenced. You want to be cognizant of the vibe you are exuding. Even if you are being friendly, if your mood is distant or shut off, it will still come through: tone, word usage, and body language can convey your current energy. You have to be carefully with your negative energy because someone else might match it. If your tone is aggressive or dismissive then should you be offended if the person you are talking to meets your tone with the same energy?

When someone is upset, they don’t look outside themselves and see how their behavior is possibly influencing bad reactions from others, that’s why when people are arguing, nothing is being heard, therefore nothing is being solved. Good leaders, whether of a company or a home, have to be careful of the energy they are giving off because it will either encourage positive responses or rebellious ones. This is the main reason why arguing through text is never a good idea.

Example: This wasn’t an argument, but it could have turned into one if I didn’t practice self-awareness. I sent a message to someone late at night with misguided information. I pieced together different parts of conversations with people earlier that evening and the end conclusion that I held on to was completely inaccurate 🤦🏽‍♀️ (!!!) And the response I got the next morning was very justified 🙃😄. But instead of holding my ground and causing friction, I began to accept my misunderstanding and revert back to a happier energy.

*But I’ve noticed sometimes when people know who I am or who I know, they'll say certain things around me to see my reaction or how I respond. 😒

What do you notice when you are genuinely happy or at least happy with the people around you? You are laughing, you are smiling, you are welcoming, and you are emanating good, positive energy which flows onto others and their same energy flows onto you. So it’s a good practice to be around people who are in sound mind, body, and peace. But we are not robots, so we cannot always be cheerful. Although, when we are not in a happy-go-lucky mood some of us shut down and need space from everyone (be mindful that you are not hurting others when you are in this alone or dark space), while others try to find their happiness through others (also not healthy).

When my mood is down, I keep myself away from everyone because I don’t want what’s bothering me to inflict them, but I still have to work on not letting other people get me down. I still have certain triggers that switch my mood from good to horrible very quickly.

*While on vacation, I got some weird tan lines due to my choice of swimwear. 🛳🌞👙

In a physical relationship, pay attention to whom you share your intimate energy with. Intimacy at this level intertwines your aural energy with the aural energy of the other person. These powerful connections, regardless of how insignificant you think they are, leave spiritual debris, particularly within people who do not practice any type of cleansing, physical, emotional or otherwise. The more you interact intimately with someone, the deeper the connection and the more of their aura is intertwined with yours. Imagine someone having a confused aura or negative energy and they are sleeping with multiple people, now their aura is being carried around through these multiple energies and the person is also carrying around the auras of other people. What they may not realize is that others can feel that energy which can repel positive energy and attract more negative energy into your life. — If you believe this, then you should not sleep with anyone who you do not what to be like or not happy to be around because their energy will begin to transfer stress into your life.

If you have sex with positive, loving, uplifting people their energy is absorbed and uplifts you. If you have sex with negative, pessimistic, unstable, depressive people then that energy will have you confused, frustrated and moody.

This entire theory is the idea that environmental energy and physical energy manifests itself to mental energy. Anyone in agreement any with this?

UnBirthday 2022

There is a lot of confusion of when my birthday actually is. My mother says one thing, my birth certificate says another, and I acknowledge my birthday on a different day every few years. So all of May is my “UnBirthday”. This year is a little extra special because I not only finally decided to celebrate my birthday openly, but I also decided to celebrate my recent accomplishments….three weeks long of celebrations in different states.

I am completely worn out! The last time I celebrated myself was maybe 8 years ago and since then, I’ve just been keeping life very simple. This year I wanted to be different. And I am so blessed with the people I have in my life who have celebrated me in private as well as in public. There are people that support you and then there are people who show their support for you.

My genuine readers have been amazing through the years. I will always keep a veil of privacy between what I do and what I share. The reason is for my peace of mind because I don’t always want someone else’s input on what I decide for myself. Not everyone will understand and that’s ok. As long as I am not causing harm to myself or others, then if I wish to keep certain things to myself, then so be it.

But when I celebrate, I want to celebrate with anyone and everyone who has imprinted on my life in a great way. There should not be any bad energy when all you want to do is smile, be grateful, be happy, and enjoy everything that you’ve accomplished, personally and professionally. I am overly ecstatic that in the last few weeks I was surrounded by people who were on the same groove as me. I could not have asked for anything better.