Open Relationships

January 13, 2023

Okay lovers, let’s talk about this. Open Relationships…are you for it or against it? Here are my thoughts on this…

Theoretically, No. I don't want to be in a situation where I’m lied to, heartbroken, feeling like I'm not important, where I’m not thought of or considered, other people are seeing me as foolish, and women believing they can take my place. But practically, can a man take away all of those concerns and still make his lady feel secure and loved while doing whatever he decides to do when he's out by himself or with his friends? I’m going to answer with a soft yes only because I’ve witness this with some other relationships.

"If you’re playing me keep it on a low, because my heart can't take it anymore. If you're creepin, please don’t let it show." - Mario Winans (2004)

It’s possible, but only when 2 people have a true understanding of each other and understanding the needs of each person and what they desire to function happily and progressively. And that may consist of not asking certain questions that may resort to a lie or viewing certain things he does or says with skepticism. If he’s going out, I'd appreciate him telling me, but I’m not going to ask too many specifics details about it or blow up his phone throughout the night, I’ll just reach out to him the next day. The main thing is to keep a good flow of communication between each other and keep one another updated. Don't go silent on your partner. Also, never look through anyone’s phone, whether you find something or not, it will always lead to drama. Here's something you should never forget, If you're looking for trouble, you're definitely going to find it. And with today’s generations, you can find anything on social media. I’m so glad I grew up during a time where we just had fun and didn’t need to show the world, but for whatever reason, some people still need that validation.

If I'm in a relationship, I want it to be meaningful. If it’s just about sex, anyone can give you that. I want intimacy and I want a man to lead me correctly and not blindside me with heartache. You can't just offer me sex and expect me to fall in line with whatever fuckery you do out in the world. But if you are bringing me support, love, comfort, protection, compassion and friendship, then I’m going to be more open to your lead. Be a man I can count on and not someone who disappears when he doesn't feel like talking or when things get difficult.

I had a similar conversation about a man leading and my belief is that I'm feminine, so to balance I prefer a man to exude masculinity. If he’s meeting me for the first time I prefer him to break the ice and thereafter if he says or does things that make it seem like he's indecisive, aloof, or waiting on me to give him a sign before he makes a move, then I'm not going to look at him romantically. A leader assess his options and makes a sound decision and he won’t know if it's the wrong decision until he follows through with it, but make the decision.

Lead the way in a non-aggressive and smooth manner and I'll decide whether to follow or not. And if I do follow, we can figure out other things along the way and develop the camaraderie with each other. Let me know you want something special with me. Don't think you're being too much by showing you like me and letting other people know you like me. I don’t like men who are disengaged with people's feelings, especially if we’re intimate. And the type of man he is will show me the type of man I’ll either love and cherish or the type of man I need to keep at a distance. Be nice to me, but be firm and sure with what you want with me.

I’m never going to outwardly say yes to having an open relationship. I am always going to be an advocate of being loved by a man who doesn't make me feel like I have to worry about our connection or make me question if I’m in his heart with another woman who isn't family. In an open relationship, you should never let the other person feel they have the upper hand over your partner. I want someone who thinks to call me with good news and bad news, who still says things like, “Hey, I’m going to be at this place at a certain time, you should come out.” Be my friend and don’t stop, that’s the best way. Share good music and movies with me and I don’t want you to be just like me. Let’s have a difference of opinions sometimes, talk about it, laugh about it, and maybe learn something new from each other. And as a friend, what would you want to protect me from? Don't let someone else break what we have, keep it sacred. Because remember, people who don’t have you are likely going to try harder and do more to get your attention especially if you're already with someone.

Be careful with what you do with people. What you intend may not play out they way you expect and you'll then have to deal with the outcome. You’ve got to be emotionally intelligent enough to handle not only your emotions, but also the emotions of others you've effected. Feelings and relationships can be a war zone, don’t think there won’t be any bombs.

Be Strong For Them, Be Soft For Him

November 17, 2022

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. *My voice is still not 100%. 🤒

Being a woman of several achievements I have to maintain a strong presence in front of people, but I also have to show softness because….I am a woman. But you have to be selective with who you show your vulnerabilities to. You don’t want to get into a situation where you shown all your vulnerabilities to someone and they turn it against you to make themselves look better. You never know who has your best interest at heart or who even really is sharing their heart with you. Of course I'm talking about men in this regard. I’ve published many topics on what I want from a man and although most men may fit the standard they become complacent after some time and forget all the things they did you catch your interest. 😒

The last man I was involved with, we would sort of phase in and out with each other for over a span of many years and there were at least 2 points where we were really into each other like investing into what we both like and wanting to see each other and that was when we first met which was very unexpected because neither one of us anticipated keeping in touch for so long and the second time was when we reconnected after not speaking for a period of time. We would have our highlight moments and our mellow moments and I can admit there were definitely times when I was extremely vulnerable with him especially when there was a point where I had to make a decision that affected both of us and I was almost in pieces during that time. A lot of people don’t know or have never known my weakness or seen any or all of my weak moments, not even to my family. — Now that I’m really sit here and think about those times, it’s like, “What the fck was I doing?” 😵 Because that is always a concern of mine is letting someone see my vulnerabilities and fearing that they treat it like it’s nothing. But you know what? I do not regret showing him my weaknesses and being vulnerable to him in different ways because at those times, I felt completely comfortable with him, I trusted him, and I believed in him. And even though we are no longer involved in the same way now, we are civil, and regardless of what he thinks of me, I’m okay with him knowing that part of me because he was who I was sharing myself with at that time.

I told a friend that I don’t know how to act when I bring the “girls” out.

This is why I do not treat sex as just sex. I am allowing you into my life, I’m sharing my time with you, my personal space, my thoughts, my visions, my moods, my whole personality. I can’t just close off parts of me and still let you sleep with me. I can close myself off to others because they are not experiencing me the same way. Where I may have to maintain a certain persona for others, I should be able to let my guard down to someone I’m intimate with, right? Who I am in my professional life, my work life, my family life, and even my social life is different that who I am as a lover. I want to be able to relax around someone and not feel like I still have to maintain a rock exterior because he doesn’t want to embrace my softer side.

Ladies, you don’t want someone who wants you to fit his mold, you want to show your softness to someone who doesn’t have a mold. Someone who knows your day was shitty and still finds a way to make you laugh or feel better in some way. You don’t want someone who dismisses your vulnerabilities, but yet still expects you to understand when they’re feeling low. I told you earlier the last man I was with we were very much into each other in the beginning, talking to each other frequently, excited to see each other and would just completely enjoy each other. This is how you want it with someone, but not just in the beginning, you want it throughout the whole duration of your time together. You want someone who still shows they care after the first few weeks or months, for instance, I’ve been under the weather the last few days, I would have loved for a man to come bring me food or warm up my comforter or even simply asked if I needed anything just to make me feel better. I love it when a man wants to be present for me…I mean he’ll need to fight past my initial refusal for help, but after he conquers that, he may as well just go ahead an conquer me. — I’ll admit it, I’m on some bs when it comes to asking for help or saying I need someone. I’m working on it, never said I was perfect. 🥺

No, it won’t be rainbows and sunshine everyday with someone, I’m sure I’ve said that before, but if you both make it a point to clear the clouds for each other, then being vulnerable with that person should feel natural, don’t fight it. I had to learn this: when you avoid opening up and not showing your softer side to someone who wants to care, it can cause people to become closed off to you. So you don’t want to be destructive and block your blessings by feeling like you still have to be strong when you have someone who is willing to hold you when you’re not.

I want to end with this thought: Sometimes what we want isn’t what we need and I think this is a lesson we just keep having to learn because with what we want, it is what motivates us and pushes us; what we want is a goal, but what we need tends to humble us, keeps us grounded, and reminds us that we don’t have to be so hard all the time. And if you think about it, sometimes the people we butt heads with the most are the people who are more like us. Either that, or it’s people who want us to be our best and tries to get us out of our comfort zones, but we keep going back and forth with them because we don’t want to go out of our comfort zones.

I embrace every year that I age. I’m so happy I didn’t get into any drugs or smoking, or damaged my organs, and that I took care of my skin because I have seen people younger than me look like they surpass me by at least 10 years. And I love a man who appreciates a woman aging gracefully.

Sometimes people can see when we are not living up to who they know we can be, those are the people who pay attention to us. I tend to question my friends when I see them doing things or surrounding themselves with people who don’t highlight their best traits. One of my friends has people around him that he has know for a few years and I’m not too keen on them, I don’t really share my opinion on it because he considers them as friends and he has fun with them and that’s great, but I do feel like those people kind of drain him and I know people who have known him for 15 plus years and they are the caliber of people who can attest to his character because they’ve been around him and seen him in many scenarios. Although, those fun, free-loving people are cool to pass the time with, there is a limit to how much we allow them into our lives. No matter what type of a connection I may have with someone, if they don’t have the same types of things going on in their lives that I have to account for or be responsible of, then there is only but so much I can relate with them.

Friends should not have to tiptoe around each other when we are making questionable moves. I want you to be great because I know you can be better than what your are showing me right now. — No reason to get upset or defensive with people when they are just trying to open up to you because they see something that isn’t good for you, they are just trying to look out for you because they care. So in this sense, allow people who care about you to point out your vulnerabilities and weaknesses because they just want you to be the best you can possibly be.

A Few Good Men

July 26, 2022

I need to brag on some of my male friends. There is only a handful of them who have no ulterior motives when I hang out with them. I don’t speak with them all the time, may once a week, maybe every few months, or maybe only once a year, but anytime I am around them, I feel loved, supported and protected. 😊

They make me feel very comfortable and respectfully correct me or challenge me to think beyond my emotions. But one of the best things I love about them is that they always make me feel great about myself. No, I never had an intimate relationship with any of them and none of them have seen me in an inappropriate way. *There was one evening recently when I was out with a few of them celebrating a birthday and my low cut dress kept having a mind of its own and trying to show my areolas (see photo, that's the look I was wearing). A couple of the guys delicately fixed my dress throughout the night. Yes, their hands graced my breasts and maybe a nipple, but it wasn’t in a way where I felt fondled, offended, or uncomfortable; in other words their hands didn’t linger on me.

And anytime I’m out drinking with them, they always offer to either get me a hotel room, welcome their home to me, or find a way to get me home safely. Even though I always decline their offers, I love their warmth towards me and how they look out for me. There are only a select few people who I feel safe around when I am drinking a lot, hence why I don’t drink with too many folks.

All of these men are highly attractive and are established well in life; most of them are married or in serious relationship and many of you know my stance on taken men (not the way I move). As for the single ones, there's a line I won't cross due to other factors on top of my personal values.

When you have men who genuinely care about you and who don't take advantage of your friendship with them, you start to learn a different version of love and understanding. Through these amazing male friends of mine, I've learned another level of patience, empathy, and ambition. Plus, they encourage me to keep my options open as a single woman and want me to have a partner who equally values me just as much as I value him.

For instance, I’m sure they would not want me invested in someone who spends intimate time with me, but then turns around and invites another woman to the movies or the bowling alley and when someone mistakenly mentions it to me and I ask about it, I get this line, “Oh, it was nothing like that.” — Sure Fam. Somehow she just guessed you were going to be there and expected you to take her home afterwards. Yeah ok, go ahead and exit stage left because your act is redundant. *(If you’re going to do fck boy things, then do fck boy things around people who don’t know me or who know the code of propriety with two people who are sleeping together). You can enjoy yourself, but make sure to not let anything questionable get back to me.

I would not have any issues introducing my guy friends to someone I’m involved with and I don't doubt that they'll let me know if someone isn’t for me or if someone is playing foolish games with me. I fully believe they want me to be happy and want to see me thrive in life just as much as I want the same for them. There is really not enough words in the world to fully explain my appreciation for these guys; I am blessed to have them.