Forever Doesn't Last A Long Time

“Foreva-eva?…eva-eva?”

I used to think it would be great if everything lasted forever, but now I believe in reality. Even if you are in a committed and long-term relationship, time passes so quickly that forever can seem so short and you're left with memories and if your relationship does withstand the test of time, then memories are the best attributes to your love for one another. But this isn’t about that…

Whether you are married, single, in between relationships, or just dating around, I think we can all agree that our emotions are unpredictable. What we feel today might not be what we feel tomorrow and changing our minds is at our discretion because it’s our emotions. The tricky element is someone else's emotions may not align with ours. And that’s where feelings get hurt. I wrote about change of hearts earlier this year where I mentioned that at any given moment a relationship can change course because of one or both people. And I think when that happens it's the result of wanting different things. You may have started out having the same visions, but eventually something shifts and if the person isn’t shifting in the same direction then the relationship begins to break.

Happy, Blessed & Highly Favored

I Love It Here.

I think with where I’m at in life I completely understand the concept of forever not lasting a long time. Say I decided to start something with Chicago (the young man who I met last year), I would already know going into it that it’s not going to be long-term. Even if I get so wrapped up into him, in the back of my mind, I’d still be cognizant that this love affair temporary. And let’s say for instance, the guy I call Poppa calls me up and suggesting we start getting close again. I’d have to chose who I want to have a love affair with because I won’t be with both if them. And just because I choose one over the other doesn't mean one is the better man because even with Poppa, I wouldn't go into it thinking it will last forever. So let’s say I choose Poppa and then out of nowhere the Athlete from my past pops up and wants to start spending time with me again. I’d have to make another decision between the two because if no man is contributing to my home in one way or another, I am a single woman. And it's the same for a man. We have no obligation towards each other except for our feelings. So in any event you have to decide how deep your feelings are for someone. And emotions can run strong. They can also run hot and cold. That's why I don’t like to have any expectations too high about anyone. I can love someone and not be with them because loving someone and being in love are two different characters.

Any man who I’ve been with, I don’t ever speak ill of them, I may mention things I didn't agree with, but I don’t strip a man of his qualities. I think right now, I just want to enjoy who I enjoy no matter how long it lasts, but I also want a heads up when feelings change and when our forever is coming to an end. I don’t like being left in the dark when it comes to that, but here’s the other side of it and ladies I know most of you hate my mindset about this. If I’m involved with someone and he has strong feelings for me, but when he goes out he makes little connections with other women my only requirement is don’t let those little emotions outweigh your feelings for me. Don’t let those situations effect how you act towards me. If your feelings are strong for me then protect that. Because I’m still firm on the fact if I’m fooling with you, then I’m for you and I’m going to protect my feelings for you too. This isn't one sided and it's not just about me, so I am going to give you the same love. If you feel differently about me then say it because that’s when I feel I am being played with, when a man isn’t honest about his feelings towards me.

I’m not going to go through a man's phone and nag him about where he's going and who’ll be around him. No, I chose peace. I’ll be honest with you, I used to be like that when I was with my ex. I chose chaos over peace, actually we both did and it just blew up so much that I had to walk away. And I’m not trying to say that I welcome a man to make a fool of me, no. I am just giving him the option to be careful with what he does when he's not with me OR he can choose to be sloppy and cause problems for us. But the biggest hurdle he’ll have with me is that my intuition is 99% on point. I can feel the slightest difference in someone's behavior, so he’s got to be a master at whatever he does when it comes to keeping our connection going.

When I’m around, those silly girls aren’t and they have no leverage over me and no one is trying to be in your face or push up on you. And you know who has spoiled me about that??? ALL OF MY GUY FRIENDS. Anytime I hang out with my guys, there may be some women looking their way or want to talk to them, and my friends may chat with them for a few minutes, but they don’t take their focus away from me. And I’ve never asked them to do that. And that might have made me overly confident, but why shouldn't I be? I’m not perfect, but I’m the only one who’s me. And I’m not sorry that my fellas set the bar high. Catch up. So if a man can't meet that requirement I have, then our forever is going to be very short. So forever-eva? Nah…maybe just forever-for-now.

Convos With The Fellas

“My latest whip, my latest chick both foreign…I ain't left the city once, still travel abroad.” - J. Cole

I reference my guy friends frequently. We talk about all things from social bs to business bs and they are very unfiltered with me, which I greatly appreciate. Here are some insightful tidbits from conversations I have had with the fellas:

I AM THE CATCH: My friend and I were talking about dating and he said if he dates a woman who has not accomplished some of the same things he has, then HE IS THE CATCH. In summary, he said: “If that girl is a sales clerk, working at McDonalds, or waiting tables, she can’t fuss at me about anything I’m doing because I AM THE CATCH. You just worry about making sure people get their food on time. And if you ask me if I am talking to other people, YES TF I AM, because you don’t match me. You ain’t bring nothing to the table, I am the table.“ — Now, ladies, please don’t be hard on my boy here or me because I completely agree with him, if you’re not matching me in what I’ve got going on in my life then Yeah, you just worry about you. And if you are working in retail that’s not a bad thing if that’s the field you want to stay in and you’re moving up to be in management or own your own store or even work in luxury stores like Chanel, that’s great. That is a goal! It’s the same if you are working in the restaurant or bar business and you are learning to move up in the industry. Baby, you do that! One of my favorite bars I go to, with some of the bartenders that’s their passion and skill, some of them are in school and just making some pocket money, and other are learning the field to start their own businesses. There is nothing wrong with that, just have a vision and make the move to make is a reality.

AGE GAPS: This is actually a common topic with most of the fellas mainly because they are of a certain age, but they are still attractive to younger women because they are handsome AND because of the first bullet point: They ARE the catch and listen, I would not want any of my guy friends making a fool of himself chasing after a child that’s not their own, what sense does that make? And all of my guys have said these something similar to this: “WTF am I going to talk about with a 25 year old? If we are just hanging out at the lounge that’s one thing, but there’s no reason to take it further than that.” One of the fellas said, “These girls talk too much and bring around their friends and they sit and gossip and be petty with each other and trying to be Instagram models and dancing on TikTok, you can keep that over there.” — Again, I agree with my guys. But the funny thing is, they also know about the 25 year old that’s been trying to get me and they all tell me to go have my fun with him and then send him home because apparently when they were all younger, they fooled with older women and said that experience taught them a few things about how grown women like to be and do things.

There Is No Reason For You To Not Be Successful: Now you already know I agree with this. One of the fellas said, “You have the internet where you can learn anything you need to make money, ain’t no reason for anyone to be broke and struggling.” He is so right. If you’re in college or just starting to work, yes it’s going to take time to make the money you want, but if you’re getting older and still relying on other people to get you right, then baby, you are a DEPENDENT and going back to point 1. I Am The Catch and you need to focus on building yourself up to be the catch too.

“I’m Going To Tell The Truth Because I Can Deal With The Consequence”: Two of the fellas have told me that they are very honest with women and their intentions. They let them know they are dating around or talk to other people. If they are out with one woman and another woman they are seeing comes around, they don’t ignore her, they will get up and greet her and show her love. And if it starts to get uncomfortable they will take the time to speak to each woman separately and be honest about what is going on with the other woman. — Ladies, with this one it is kind of a hard pill to swallow because there is not a large pool of decent men who mark off all the things we are looking for and when we do find that man our naturally instinct is not to want to share him and I said that to both of these guys. If I really like someone, I don’t want to see him with another woman regardless if our situation is casual or not, but I understand their point of view too and they both have said that they don’t go to the same place with the different woman so it limit the chances of running into each other and having any issues. So they do make a conscious effort to keep their ladies separate from one another.

“Hoes Balance Society”: These are the wise words from one of craziest fellas. He says look, you can be married, dating, focused on work and have a lot of things going on, but every now and then you just need to let loose, drink, fck, do some crazy shit, and get home safe. I love this man.

Don’t Bring Any Corny Dudes Around Us: Now this one is specifically for me. They strong on me not dealing with any nonsense from any man. Because no. 1, they are guys so they know how other guys are. No. 2, they are going to size him up to make sure he is good enough for me and No. 3, regardless if he is good enough for me or not the fellas are still going to hug on me, be fresh with me, talk shit to me and be how they normally are with me so if I man I bring around a man, he’s going to have to be very confident, otherwise he’s going to be upset with me and assume that I have something is going on with one of the guys. Yeah, I’m just not going to bring anyone around them. And they told me that I better not be on any dating apps. Another funny thing is if I am out with one of them and they see a guy trying talk to me but the guy doesn’t seem up up to their standard or my standards they will act like my man. The last friend I hung out with he went to the bathroom and another man came up to him and asked if I was with him. So I guess my friend knew he wasn’t for me told the dude, “Yeah, that’s my wife.” And this type of thing has happened a few times where one of the fellas will block a guy from talking to me because they knew it would be a waste of time for me.

One of the main reasons I love these guys is because they tell me how it is, they don’t water anything down for me, there is no bs-ing with them, and they are so supportive of me living how I want. So yeah, those are my fellas. I rock with them.

Codename: "Poppa"

“Sometimes we lose each other, but we don’t stay lost.”

In my last topic I gave a little shoutout to a special reader/listener, in this topic, I am going to focus more on this particular reader/listener. This person expressed a slight discernment of some of the things I was saying and felt I was being unfair with my content and believes I vehemently dislike them which is very far from the truth. I let the person know that I utilize my critical thinking using more social verbiage as I speak about my perception of interactions that I experienced.

I am going to refer to this person as “Poppa” which is actually the nickname I gave him very early on and Poppa is someone who I have interesting experiences with. All the experiences were not great, but not everything is always great, right? And I hate that he only sees my reflections as being all negative as opposed to being constructive and a way of learning certain antidotes on how to be with people and I don’t think he gets my humor sometimes. But I realized something the other day, we have become a bit critical of each other. Poppa, this is something I don’t think either one us is willing to admit that we created a sort of barrier and it infuses our good and bad over the years.

In the beginning, we had a sort of unspoken understanding that we are just going to the enjoy the moment and our geographical distance allowed us to stay fond of each other and during these times we gave each other a lot of praises and the element of mystery was not an issue.

We met on April 25, 2015 under unplanned and unexpected circumstances. I did not expect to hear from him again after this date.

In recent years, our geographics changed and we had more frequent face-to-face interactions. The recent years is where some of our not so great experiences came to surface and I reflect on those experiences a few times throughout the topics. I don’t think I discuss him any more or less than I discuss my relations with other people I know. And I do try to keep things open-ended and make it clear that it’s my opinion and not confirming it as the right opinion, because we all have our own ideas and perceptions on what is accurate depending on our feelings and values. Within the recent years, we had a period where we got a little closer than before. During this time, he was catering and attentive, much like how I first met him.

But here is where I think the conflict is. We are almost equal opposites in the sense that we have similar tastes in music - I always poke at him for wondering how good his ears are. We practice similar ideas of relaxing and having a good time - we welcome people and want everyone around us to enjoy themselves and Poppa, you won’t like to hear this, but people do notice one you are giving someone extra attention. Lastly, we are both established in our individual lives. With all that in mind, we are also very strong-minded in our views. I’m just going to use the word stubborn because, Yes, Poppa it can be like the pot calling the kettle black with me and you.

We always let things happen as they needed to.

We both like our space and time to decompress from people which can seem like we are being emotionally dry or distant, I don’t believe our intention is to be cold towards people, but sometimes we just need to disconnect. And the time when we were a little closer, there were moments when I wanted to connect and he didn’t and vice versa and our distant behaviors ended up being filled with other things that did not help us stay close and I know he won’t admit this, but I didn’t like it when he tried to downplay his friendship with a girl that I questioned him about a few times and a few other things he did that hurt my feelings.

Although, in my experience with him, I did learn that sometimes people phase in and out and we are an example of that. Sometimes we are very engaged, sometimes we are not. For instance there have been recent conversations with him where I think, Hmmm, that’s something new…and it really caught my attention. Like when he told me about a community service project he was part of and a few days ago he slightly mentioned he was mentoring. Poppa, I love these things! And I also appreciated when he and I bonded over a mutual friend of ours where Poppa called me to let me know what happened and a few days later we both sat together and reflected on our friend’s situation. I thought that was a sentimental moment.

“Poppa”

On this day we had no clue what was to come next.

So even though Poppa thinks I don’t like him or always attacking him, those are just small impressions to what I really think of him, it’s like 5% of his 95%. Yes, Poppa, I do get a little brash with you when you do things that harm your caliber. But, I also know that you have to process things though just like anyone else.

It is kind of like seeing someone walk across a street without looking both ways and you are just hoping the reach the other side unharmed. And I am not saying Poppa is careless person, sometimes I’m just like, “Baby, please think about this some more before you get ahead of yourself!” I also appreciate the company he has in regards to his college friends. I’ve gotten to know them over the years too and I love all that they are. And if I am being honest, my love for the friends is slightly different than the love I have for Poppa because he and I have different experiences with each other and most of the friends don’t fully know those details. And that’s another similarity we both share, we like our privacy, although his definition of privacy is a little different from mine.

So to my special reader/listener: Poppa you are great, I hate that you take my sentiments as negative jabs. Don’t assume that any of my reflections is a permanent mark of how I think of you. Because overall, I enjoy when we talk without restrictions and expectations. Now, if I start flirting with you, don’t act funny, because talking shit to you has been an issue. Enjoy your day, my love.

Continuous Growth

The older we get the smarter we're supposed to be, right? We're supposed to learn from our mistakes, yes? Financially, who we date, how we raise our kids, and how we treat people.

Lately, I keep coming across stories where people take a spiritual year to themselves, no dating, no sex, no overdoing social activities, etc. And at the end, they have a clearer understanding of who they are, what they want, and where they want to be. Right now, I'm kind of already doing this, but my reasons were to stay focused on my goals not for any type of self-discovery. I mean, my last intimate encounter was in 2021 with the man whose timeline didn't match up with mine. If you've been here for the last few months then you know what I'm talking about. I know people don’t always remember things the same way, but hey we’re human, right?

And you know what bothers me a little? When men don't think they should treat me special because they think I'm already too special and that other people are treating me special. Let that sink for a bit. Don't worry about what someone may or may not be doing for me, make yourself present and be special to me.

Anyway, so I am thinking about doing more research on this year of self-reflection. I believe one of my guy friends did this a few years ago, I'll have to reach out to him and ask him a few things. It is a good time for me to do it since I'm already practicing one of the things and I'm very focused on my studies, not to mention my work and how I'm planning on blending those two.

The point is I don't want to be getting older and making mistakes or keep making the same mistakes that I should know better than to do. I want to get wiser. Plus, I have 2 kids watching my moves. I not my kids' friend, I'm their mother and even though I let my babies make their own decisions, I still give them caution. I talk to my children like growing adults because that exactly what they are. My son is already learning life skills. He knows how to cook a lot of different meals and he getting really good at it. He also knows how to do his laundry, and other things that he would need to know to do when he goes off on his own and he's just in middle school. My daughter is headed off to college this year and is going to begin her post high school years without me at arms reach. These are important transitions that happening with my family.

So I wouldn't be going too far off the reservation if I take a "Spirital Me Year". The thing is I know what I want, I'm clear of who I am and I'm not ashamed to express my flaws, I just don't have patience when other people refuse to acknowledge their faulty characteristics. Like if you have a good heart then you don’t make your friends or loved ones feel like they are a bother to you and take time to reach out to them every so often. Being in your feelings is similar to letting your pride take over. I don't want you be like this either where damaging behaviors cause problems with people you should be enjoying time with. And I see these behavioral issues with many "grown" people.

It kind of like having a small mind in a big world. Or another way of saying it is that there's a difference between being from a small town vs. having a small town mentality. Things improve in small towns because people think beyond the town. It’s the same with ourselves, we become better when we think beyond our present state of being.

About the Pics: I’ve been having “Mommy Moments” when I think about my daughter and the fact that is she will be an adult in a few months and then off to college.

So Unattractive

“Sometimes you just have to let people go through a clown phase and let them be foolish until they come back to their senses.”

*I also want to mention that is it very attractive when a man acknowledges and owns up to his part in a problem. I love a man who doesn’t let pride make him arrogant or unaware of his faults…even the greatest leaders knew to admit it when they were wrong.

There are a few physical traits that make me look at a man twice such as nice teeth, good grooming, clean nails, athletic build, nice posture, and classic contemporary-style clothing. But, there are a few things a man can do that will make me lose all attraction to him. He can still be handsome, but that's it.

One of the things that make me think less of a man is when he believes he's more than he is. Like saying he's a certain type of man, but acting the opposite. I know someone like this. He intertwines himself with certain people and claims it's about the "connection" but the reality of it is he's so wrapped up in the fallacy of believing these people are like him when it more seems like he wants to be like them. Chasing after things that are not for him when he should be above them. We have a mutual friend and the mutual friend recently asked me, "What's up with your boy?" - I'm like, "My boy?! Nah, you've known him longer than me. You need to talk to him, he won't listen to me." The sad part is I used to see him as such a confident man that makes fairly stable decisions, but the decisions that he has been making recently are causing me to look at him so differently these days. It's one thing to be vulnerable and make a few wrong moves, but it's another thing to defending your poor choices and dismissing people who know you can do better. That is such an unattractive quality.

Remember a few topics back I used the percentage example? Like people being certain percentages depending on where they're at in life. This man is out here hanging around people who are at 20-30% which is bringing his caliber down. He should be at 100%, but I tried telling him and he got defensive. So hey, I'm not getting into that. It's like people who take themselves so seriously that they don't listen to rationale. I don’t have to deal with that bullshit. You're grown. Do what you want.

The 2nd thing that makes me rethink a man is if he's only paying me attention because someone else paid me attention or gave me compliments. Listen, don't take interest in me just because someone else took an interest or finds me attractive. I also find it a little odd when a man is interested in a woman because she looks like or resembles someone famous. Like the girl for looking like herself, not for looking like someone else. This type of behavior is a follower. I don't want a follower, I want a leader.

The next thing that makes a man less attractive is poor time management and lack of communication when there is a delay. I'm very organized. If I plan to be somewhere at a certain time, 95% of the time I'll be there within the hour that I stated. I hate tardiness, but I hate when a man doesn't let me know his time frame has changed. If we made plans, I do expect both of us to honor those plans or at least communicate with each other if those plans need to be delayed or changed.

The 4th thing that makes a man less attractive is his unwillingness to emphasize my perspective, but only wants me to see things his way. I'm pretty sure this is narcissistic behavior and usually this type of person does things that are misleading to people and when it becomes a problem he then tells the narrative from his point of view without considering the other person's position. I understand that if I'm telling a story that involves other people, I'm not just sharing my business, I'm sharing a part of theirs too, so I keep my narrative open for interpretation and don't try to sway people into siding with what I said. People who try to make you think like them tend to always want control.

And the last thing that makes a man less attractive to me is his not knowing how to handle me. And this one is personal because a man would need to know me and pay attention to me to know how to handle me. Now, I've told you I've not been involved with a lot of men right, but with the men I do have experiences with I noticed one distinction with all of them and this may ruffle some feathers…

Coaching SZN

Since these men out here wanna keep bs-ing and playing games.

And that is, men from the northeast handle me better than men from the south. Now before anyone gets offended, let me explain. I'm very brash, I'm forward-thinking, strong-willed, and passionate about my views, and I can be mouthy. Southern men don't very much appreciate that. Again, I've not been involved with a lot of men, so I'm not pulling from a large database, but the men I have dealt with, the southern men, didn't handle me well when they saw other parts of my personality, and I'm not saying they should have, but with the northern men, they knew how to work around my strong characteristics and ease me when I'm being a little too much.

Let me put it to you this way, I need to be put in check sometimes, but not in a way where I'm disrespected or hurt, in a way that a man sets his dominance, shuts me up, but still makes me feel heard and love...yeah this sounds confusing and not all men can do this, like I said I've only seen this with the northeast men. I don't flinch if a man calls me, "Bitch" that's not a cruel word to me. I've been in a situation where I was popping off at the mouth with a guy I was dating and he just smacked his hands together and said, "Bitch! Stfu, and let me talk to you." I'm not saying this is appropriate, but he knew how to get my attention and even though I was still mad, I did stop talking because all he wanted for us to do was have a calm conversation about what I was upset about.

Southern men are different in the way that they don't talk to me like that. The ones that I've been with seem to avoid or run away from trying to resolve issues with me and that causes a little resentment. But outside of any problems, southern men are more chivalrous and gentlemanly, they speak to me very patiently and cater to me as a woman (well, most of them are like this, the other ones are riding on their bs...they know who they are). And I appreciate the southern men for these sweet qualities. Although, if I were to come across a man with both northern masculinity and southern hospitality, yeah...I'd probably break my celibacy and give him the goods. I'd let him take full advantage of me. Might even fly him out on vacation and buy him a short set. And get him some steak and lobster too.

Let me not think about that for too long before I lose my composure. Anyways, so these are the types of things that turn me off from a man. What about you ladies?

Love Me When You're Ready, Not When You're Vulnerable

06/10/2023: You readers are really trying to piece together “who is who” in my life 😅. And some of you are connecting the nicknames I gave the men I mention more recently to some of the previous topics, like this one. I wrote this back in February, so not too long ago. And some of you readers really make me blush with your messages 😳! A good number of you are really invested with me connecting with one of these men. Most of my thoughts from this topic are still the same, not thing has changed too much. There is more and less progression, but nonetheless everything is still as it has been with my love life. And if you guys are paying close attention then you know what my current love status is. 😏

“People like us never go hungry because there will always be someone who wants to feed us, but the problem is we can’t eat everybody’s food.”

A few of you keep inquiring about 2 things: The last man I was involved with and the young man I won’t get involved with. Now, I told you, I’ll share some of my experiences, but there is a limit to how much I’ll say. So let’s do this…

  1. The man I was last involved with: It dissipated around May 2021, it started around August 2020 right around the time Covid restrictions were getting lifted. I mentioned we had already know each other for several years and we fooled around on and off, but didn’t really get serious. (*This time around had the potential to be more substantial than the other times) So again, this lasted until May, a month later I had a car accident and a few months after that I had to deal with something serious that changed my whole outlook on life. We lost touch during that time, I’m not really sure why, those months are still a blur to me. I think overall, some of our issues were that my schedule had me spread out which made my availability limited, which at times made me seem distant. And I don’t think he had the patience for my sporadic time and I wasn’t always at ease with his impatience. But the funny thing is, how we are towards each other now is good and I think it’s because there’s no pressure to be or do anything more than just friends who catch up and laugh…well, lately he’s acting a little out of character, but I think there’s something he has to come to terms with or deal with on his own.

  2. The young man I won’t get involved with: I told both of my best friends about this guy and these heffers are telling me to do the whole “Stella got her groove back” type thing and we all know how that movie ended…yeah, I’m not doing that. Let’s stick to reality here folks. This 20-something years old is gorgeous, I give him that. But his attractiveness does not overshadow the fact he cannot empathize where I am in life right now. And again he is great, he’s career focus, manages his money well, he’s very chivalrous, he’s close to his family, and he constantly compliments me (which I love), but I just can’t do it. I cannot play with him, I don’t want to hurt him. I know people and have seen people get caught up like this and get themselves into a mess that they have to clean up afterwards, I am not going to be like that. I will continue to be friends with this young man, but that’s it. I cannot be vulnerable with him.

Speaking of vulnerability, let’s go on to the topic…

The Effort Series

I used to be good at doing a sultry gaze...don’t know if I still got it though.

Sometimes we fall victim to getting ourselves into situations because we’re lonely, vulnerable, or just not thinking clearly. Nobody wants to be just a time-filler in someone else's life. When you're dating because you're vulnerable, you're more likely to make decisions that do not have the best outcome and then you may become dismissive towards the person or relationship altogether. It's human to be flawed, but you need to be accountable for the ways you treat people you are in an intimate relationships with. If you're hesitant with the next steps of your relationship, take a step back and figure out why that is. Is it you? Is it them? Or did you just get caught up in something you didn't intent to?

Vulnerability can convince us to thinking we’re doing something right and disguise it with fun times, but really our judgments are clouded because we think all types of happiness is healthy. It’s not. — READ THAT AGAIN. It can be hard to distinguish if our decisions are truly good for us or if those decisions will become lessons. All of my relationships have been lessons in one way or another, but the most interesting thing is that each relationship was different, how I approach it, how I viewed it, and how I handled each man was different from the last. Some situations were just having fun, some were significant, and some were "Oh sh*t, what did we get into?". But I can honestly say each man I’ve gotten close to either shown me something about myself or brought something out of me I didn't know I had. Although, I'm not saying it was all good things 😆.

I still want to learn from my relationships, but not learning things that separate us, rather leanings things that keep us close and growing together. I guess a little part of you has to be vulnerable to be open to someone. It’s just finding that healthy balance and making sure we're not completely going down the wrong path and opening ourselves up to the wrong types of relationships. We get involved with people for many reasons and sometimes it leads to something unexpected or it leads to exactly what we intended, but who can predict what happens? I think the reality is we have to know what we want and not mislead what others may want from us.

Choosing With Your Head First, Then Your Heart

Sometimes we make mistakes with deciding on people, but when you keep making the same mistakes, it’s you, not them.

Ok, I am officially getting sick. I don’t know why I keep playing with my health like my immune system isn’t compromised. I know my guardian angels are about sick of me! Anyway, even though I’m feeling weak, I received a call from a good friend last night and we talked for a good while. I haven’t socially seen him since his birthday party back in July and I saw him briefly when there was an unfortunate incident that occurred with his family. Speaking with him made me feel so great, we discussed a few different things that I’ll probably incorporate them into a few topics here and there. I love my friend, he’s so great and it’s him and a few other’s like him whom I feel so comfortable and safe around. They are very honest and transparent with me and genuinely care about me and I am so blessed to have people like that in my life.

Ladies, don’t think I have any secrets about how to find good men. I don’t. Yes, I always speak highly of my guys friends, they are great men, but keep in mind that I am not in a romantic relationship with any of them. So, my point of view about them will be different from a woman who is sleeping with them. So don’t be over there believing I’m keep all the good men to myself. Come get these men! I love them, but the work all of my nerves. Like my one friend got himself this girl and nothing is wrong with her, but they are not on the same level in life and it’s only a matter of time before she filters out after he starts to notice things everyone else is noticing. But hey, we got to let our people do what they do.

Although, ladies, we have to do better too. We can’t just linger on every word a man tells us. What is he actually doing and what are the two of you doing? If your mind is going one direction, is his mind going the same direction? Are you trying to move the relationship forward and he seems to be hesitating or taking his time? Baby, that is a sign. He has his reasons for not moving at the same pace as you just like you have your reasons for not staying at his pace. Yes, people may take longer to be ready, but it’s up to you if you want to wait or not.

It is good to follow your heart, but don’t leave your head behind because when that heart of yours breaks, guess who has to pull double duty to get yourself back together? Yup, that good ol’ noggin. It can be hard to see what other people are seeing and to be practical about things when we are feeling and being loved, but when we stop thinking about other things that impact our lives, we open ourselves up to making decisions that don’t have the greatest outcome. You heart may be in the right place, you just need date someone who improves your value, not take away from it and make you look like you doesn’t know any better. It’s hard to explain these things to some men because they always like to believe that are sure of everything and know exactly what it is they are doing….Do you, sir? Do you really know???

The Effort Series

Legs.

Here's another thought I want to share with you. Let my try to give you guys an analogy. Let’s mark different levels in life with percentage numbers. A man at 50% will probably attract a woman who is also 50% or higher, but on the other side of it, he's definitely going to look like 100% to a woman who is at 20% or 30% because women like date up and will do more than a woman at 50% to get the man whom is at 50%. And the man probably knows this and likes her willingness to do more for him because the other women closer to his level are more likely to look for a man higher than 50% (are you following?). And when a man can't offer more or want to be more, he dates lower (are your hearing me?). Just let this sit on your mind a bit and think about your dating history or think about people you know and the type of people they date.

This is why I think it is better to date within your caliber, not too high, not too low, just that good range where you too are not constantly having to explain yourselves or struggling to communicate. This is one of the things my friend and I were talking about. As mature as some of the younger adults may seem to be, there’s still some things they just are ready to comprehend with people who have a little more experience in life. For instance, remember the 25 year old I met last year and I decided right away that I would not play games with him? I made that decision because although he is persistent, sweet, ambitious, and further ahead in life than most of his peers, mentally we are not in the same realm of understanding. Our lives are too different, I’ve been where he’s been already and so much more. Our progress is not on the same level, maybe in another 10 years, he’ll be where I am now, and I may have slowed down a little to where our lives better align, that’s just not the case right now. And although he is very attractive and a great guy, I know better than to get myself involved with someone who isn’t ready for my life.

Ladies, I will say this much…I do have a lot of attractive men in my circle. Sometimes I look at my guy friends and think, Damn, my boys look good. — Like as if I made them. You know what, I hope they say the same about me too.

Anyway, I’m not saying don’t take risks with people and relationships, just don’t let your heart be the only one making moves, let your head keep you leveled.

Check On Me Tonight

“Say hi today. It could bring a brighter tomorrow.”

I don’t know how I'm going to explain this topic because I can't always determine why people do what they do. Do you ever check on people just to see how they are or what they've been up to? What about when you indirectly check on them? Like instead of talking to them directly, you're seeing about them through other ways whether it be through other people or looking on their social media page. Have you ever done that? Why? Why not just call the person?

Let’s go through the different possibilities of why you would keep tabs on someone.

  1. You want to know what's going on in someone's life because you want to know where you fit in. Maybe it’s someone you used to be with and you're seeing if they've moved on with their lives.

  2. It’s someone you've seen go through a lot of struggles and you like seeing them do well.

  3. It’s someone from your past who you're not sure if you should reach out to them or not because maybe things didn’t g so well the last time the two of you spoke you want to avoid any possible conflicts.

No matter what the reason is, you care about this person in some way. So what's keeping you from talking to them? So I started thinking about this whole transparency thing because I mentioned in the post “Love Isn’t Enough” that a guy I used to be involved with, we were not always transparent with one another and it affected the way we treated each other. So one of my newer goals is to be more fluid with people and I think if you are thinking about someone, you should reach out to them. What could it hurt? — Don’t put any expectations on it and go in with an open mind.

Sometimes I wonder if there's a guy checking for me from a distance. Would that be creepy or romantic in some way? I guess that would all depend on how I know the man and if he has good intentions for me. OMG what if the athlete I use to be serious about was keeping tabs on me? Actually, no he would have popped up on me somewhere by now. He would've found out who I do business with, the places I like to go and somehow just walked his way into my life. How do I know this? Because he’s done it before. He’s one of the reasons why a few years ago I started going to extra lengths to keep my name out of certain things, although it’s not always easy to do that in my field of business and investments. The athlete isn’t dangerous, let me be clear about that. He just always causes problems anytime he’s in my life, and bless his heart, he doesn’t mean to. I think his heart is in the right place, but he challenges any other man around me. We both don’t act right when we’re around each other. But I doubt he's checking on me. Last I heard he was married with a few children now. People who’ve happily moved on usually don’t look back.

The Effort Series

Over the next few topics I'm going to share how I really used to put effort in my looks: hair, makeup, clothes

It would be kind of nice to know that someone is frequently thinking about me, not just for their own person gain, but to genuinely be happy to know where I am at in life and how well I’m doing. And maybe just waiting for the right time to say something to me. — Hey, we’re on a new year, clean slate, make something happen.

Tolerable

PRE THOUGHT: If I’m being friendly towards you and you start getting too comfortable with me in a way that makes me uncomfortable, I'm going to move differently around you thereafter. I’m not going to continue to do things that allow you to keep thinking you can get closer to me. And my “Unorthodox Conversationalist Partner”( 😏 see previous post) put this in my mind… So, the same scenario for you men: If a woman is being extra friendly towards you and even though you may not think much of it, she may believe that she has something special with you if you keep acting like you’re okay with her advances. Are you indirectly encouraging her to be extra friendly with you?…and that, my loves, is the misconception.

There's a way you hug your friends and then there a way you hug your “friends”.

You long time readers know that I'm very reasonable and don't take myself too seriously. I slightly mentioned before that I tolerate people more than I like them. Let's get into what I mean by that.

I'm very friendly and welcoming. I like to enjoy myself when I'm out, but depending on who I'm around and how I’m feeling there’s a limit to all I'm willing to do. If you're not part of my inner circle or we're not that close of friends or I just met you, there’s a certain comfort level that I'm not going to step out of. Especially if you're new to me and we don’t have any mutual friends who can vouch for the type of person you are, I'm going to stay alert around you.

Listen, and I don't mean this in a rude way, but if I don't make any more friends in life, I'm okay with that. I have my range and my circle of friends. I really don’t need any more.

I'm not fond of new people who are too eager to want to become close friends with me so quickly. It feels forced and I don’t like anything that's forced. Let it happen naturally (I feel the same with romantic relationships too). Don’t try to welcome yourself into other parts of my life or plans I have especially if I did not invite you or it wasn’t an open invitation. -- No. Don't do that. You can give me clues that may let me know you would like to join me, but if I don't welcome you, I have my reasons for it and those reasons can vary from, this is something I'm doing with my other friends, this is something private, or this is something I want to do by myself. So don't get offended if I don’t want you to join me, and if you get offended then we're definitely not going to be close because there's a lot of things that I do without other people. Those who know me well know that I mean no harm, I just don't always need friends around me.

We're not kids where you quickly make friends with someone at recess and then you're hanging out all the time, all day, everyday. No, I have a full life, a robust career, a doctorates I’m trying to achieve and 2 kids I’m raising between all of that. I need my space to do other things, be around people who know me well, and be with myself. And I have low tolerance for people who don't respect that.

I also don’t like people who try to benefit off me for their own personal gain or try to improve their lives because of me. Let me explain this. I’m going to use the word “opportunist” and there's nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself, but when you are trying to elevate your life off of someone else, it’s not a good look. For example, someone told me one of the last time they went out they spent a few thousand dollars on their tab. And I don’t fault them because there have been nights where I’ve spent that much because I’m just having a good time. Although, I know I have to be careful with that because some people will see you doing things like that and look to you to give them that same experience every time. — That's what I don’t like. Don’t think that just because I went all out this time and you enjoyed it that it’s going to happen every time, especially if you are not in my inner circle, because my inner circle knows that I have my moments of being frivolous with money or just keeping it simple. I don’t like when I’m expected to provide people a great time. I set the mood for myself and you if match my energy then then we all have a great time, but ultimately you are responsible for your fun; not me.

And this is for everyone, know your tolerance levels, they are the same as your boundaries, so be clear with people about them and if they need more clarity, try to find a way to tell them so they understand, but offer that one time courtesy, unless you have a very close relationship with someone, don’t keep explaining yourself. You can step out of your comfort zone, I do encourage that every so often, but don't let anyone force their way into your personal aura because that's yours and you’ve tailored that to make it to fit you and your interests, not anyone else's. And romantically, if you do find someone to share your aura with, you still have to be clear with what you want and make compromises that benefit both of you. 😉

Self-Esteem

A few readers sent comments in:

“There's no such thing as an Uber? Was he her only friend? A man taking the same girl home each time something is going on.”

“Just like no response is a response, not answering is also an answer. Girl, he was fckn her.”

“Sis, I don’t even take my platonic friends home like that. Trust your intuition. She want him and he want her. The men who only be around girls that be all over them are suspect. Hoes are thirsty and men love that shit.”

— This is in response about the guy who had the girl all over him and skipped around the answer when I questioned if there was something between them. 😏

“How is it that I never met you but I still know when you're not being serious about something. Damn are your friends really your friends?”

— Lol. Not all of them understand my jokes. Sometimes I like to say things that make people think outside the box and some of them aren't ready for it. 😆

This topic is going to be a little complex so pay attention.

A few times when I go hang out with my guy friends I have a quirky way of asking if there is going to be another woman with them by asking, "Are you with someone because I want to know where my self-esteem needs to be." 😆 Now, let's be clear, I do not have self-esteem issues, I'm great, but I also know I'm not everyone's cup of tea 😉. So I like to know what I'm walking into when I do go hang out with my friends and there’s another woman with them:

  • Is she just another friend

  • Is she someone you're interested in

  • Is she someone you have history with

  • Is she someone who's trying to be with you

Because vibes are different depending on the relationship you have with someone and people can pick up on it. There was one time a guy I know walked into the same place I was at with 2 girls. He didn’t know I was going to be there and I know one of the girls too and she was all over him all night. Touching on him and everytime he got up to move, she followed behind him like they were together. And when I asked the guy if they were fooling around he skipped around the question. I've kind of always speculated something between them for a while because many other times he'd always make a point to take her home. Ladies, men like this are full of shit, and Fellas, if you don’t agree, change my mind. Anyways I never want to walk in a place and make others feel uncomfortable with me being around or feel like my presence is not welcomed by others.

If I'm out with friends, I going to make sure I give everyone equal attention and engage with everyone. Self-esteem is all about what you feel about yourself and I notice signs of low self-esteem when people say certain things or their body language shifts a certain way, it points to insecurity issues.

I've been in situations with women not appreciating me being around because of a guy they like, so they would make it a point to stay close to him and have quiet conversations with him. And my thoughts are, if you were sure about yourself and about him, you wouldn't be acting like that. And guys, this may be over your heads because most of you aren't paying attention, but instead just see it as a women wanting to be next to you. 🙄

Fellas, like who you like, but if you're one of my friends and there's a woman who always seems to act a little different when other woman is around, then she really doesn't need to be out with us. Because women can get very vindictive and as pleasant as I am, I'm only going to put up with so many whispers and side eyes before I end up telling you something that's going to hurt your feelings.

And fellas, if you’re not faciliting the welcomes with everyone, it can be very uncomfortable, so I appreciate getting a heads up about people before hand. So just be mindful the next time you're introducing women to each other.

100/50/0

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

How much should you give to a relationship? Any relationship? 100%? 50%? 0%? I think this question is very situational because it depends on the factors of your relationship with someone. Even work relationships are push and pull and it varies with what the tasks there are. In my friendships I do try to give my best efforts to let people know I care and want to be present for them and be as supportive as I can. Although, I look at my intimate relationships a little different, because I categorize them right above friendships and right below family (unless there is a ring involved, then it gets moved up to family.)

For instance, there have been a few times where I was a guest for my girl friends’ events and even though I was not hosting, I still went around to see if other guests needed anything and made sure they were comfortable and enjoying themselves. I felt like as a friend, I wanted to be helpful and fill in where I saw gaps. There was also a time I was out of town at a tailgating event with someone I was seeing and then, we had only known each other for a few months then and even though he did not ask me to help with anything, I still made sure people had food, drinks, trash was collected, and the little details for taken care of. — Maybe this is just part of my character? I just feel inclined to not just show up, but also be involved. *I also made a point to pay for part of the hotel expenses because I did not want him to think I was taking advantage of his financial contributions. I don’t like being one of those women who’s just there to be pretty. And like I said, we were still new to each other and I did not want to give him the wrong impression of me.

I believe when I am in the moment with someone, I give my all, my time, my attention, etc. But that does not necessarily mean I am giving 100% all the time. You will get my undivided attention when needed. It would not be realistic to give you all of me all the time. When I am in front of you or directly interacting with you, that is when you are getting 100% of me. When I am not around you, I am delegating myself between other things that need my consideration and efforts. I also pay very close attention on who makes plans to spend time with me or if I am always the one who reaches out and makes an effort. Especially if I am going through some things, I notice who decides not to be present for me, I read people even from a distance. I can still be kind to those people and speak to them with love, but I'm cognizant about keeping a wall up with them. — If you can't handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.

Anyway back to the numbers. I think many times these ratios are being confused with finances and how much of your monetary assets you are bringing to the relationship in exchange for intangible benefits, for example, a man who pays all the bills and a woman who maintains the home and family routines. This arrangement works for many couples, but I tend to want to bring sustainable assets to the relationship too. I want a man to do for me because I bring something of value to him, but I also do not want it thrown in my face if he ever feels that my contributions are not equal to his. Just like with anything else, this is a working relationship. — Discuss your objectives, address any concerns, and develop solutions.

However you believe the percentage should be, you want the other person to be on the same page as well. Because you do not want to be solely dependent on someone or someone to be solely depending on you, whether is financial or mental. It can be draining and cause resentment or conflicts in your relationships. It should not be where it’s “If you do for me then I will do for you.” This isn’t a quid pro quo matter, you guys know what quid pro quo means, right? Everyone here old enough to know what pink slips are? Anyway, rather it should be in your relationships, “Let’s do for each other and help one another fill in the gaps.”

Listen, out in the world, I’m strong, driven, and independent, but if I’m in a relationship or have a lover and we’re in the house, I want my man…ALL OF HIM. I want to be close to him, snuggle up with him, smell his manly scent, feed him, ask about his day, know what was his favorite cereal as a kid, find out what mixtapes he used to have, scratch the back of his neck, kiss on his face, sit on his lap and just be all over him…yeah, I want to smother and suffocate him with my love. I want to throw him a party and show up as the gift! 😅 This is why I believe you should not share your intimate self with everyone because I want to be able to give all my good energy to one man and I only want one man touching me.

And here is some unsolicited advice, you can take or you can throw it out: Don’t want the relationship more than you want the man. Let that twirl in your mind for a bit. It’s not going to mean the same for everyone. I tell my girl friends who are married and have good husbands who love and take care of them to not lose sight of their man because a lot of things out here are garbage. — Trust me, I see it everywhere. You guys do what is best for you. Be safe out there.

Requiring The Bare Minimum Is Not A Goal

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Did you guys get enough to eat last week? I didn’t go overboard and do the big family dinner. My spawn of joy hung out with me for a week and we made an agreement that we were all in charge of different meals. My son, breakfast, daughter lunch, and I made dinner. It was simple and suited for just us three.

I did however get a chance to catch up with a good friend. So let me tell you about this man. I rarely ever see him because he never answers the phone! We chat a litte during football season because he one of those who roots for the Cowboys...yeah, we all make mistakes. But anyway, I sent him a message wishes him happy holidays and he responded back inviting me to grap some drinks with him. It was passed 7pm and I was settle in, but because it was him and I rarely hang out with him I decided to get my shoes on and meet up with him. And he's part of the select group of fellas who I absolutely love and adore (granted, I met all of them through someone I began sleeping with, but we still made our own individual friendships with each other and that's what's important). We had a great time, talked about different things going on in our lives...and like most of my guy friends, he asks if there is someone special in my life, so I explained to him where my mind was at and how I want to be sure of certain things with a man before getting involved again. He was very understanding and said some encouraging things to me and like the other fellas in this select group, he hugged me a few times and kissed my forehead as a gesture of love and friendship. And our dialogue is relevant to this week’s topic.

Ladies, this one is for you. Fellas, you probably need to know this too.

Telling someone you are low maintenance is really not what you want. Now if you really don't go out or much or are focusing on certain goals right now, that’s great, but that is not low maintenance because you are putting forth a lot of effort to create a life that suits you. And if you don't need a man to call or text you everyday, that’s also not low maintenance because you have other things in your life that need your time and attention too.

My cold weather “uniform”

I've even said before that I don't require much from a man because I expect him to at least do the minimum which is reach out me, converse with me, and plan to spend time with me. That's not much, but with how I like things, that will be too much for a man who's not of my caliber. What is simple to me may be complex for you. I don't expect every man to be a gentleman but I expect every gentlemen to know how to treat a woman.

Listen, I'm good on life. I am high maintenance. I take care of myself in the sense of I maintain things that make me happy and keep me motivated. What may look like luxury to others may just be a choice of comfort and convenience to me. Just like people who go on strict diets and spend hours working out, they are focused on taking care of their bodies. I'm focused on taking care of the life I want.

I want for a man to be into me and invested in who I am. I want for a man to show me he cares about me. I want for a man to catch me off guard and impress me. I want him to miss me when he's busy, not just when he’s lonely. I want a man who still chooses me even when we’re arguing. I want him to have a crush on me even after he gets me. I don't have to be involved in everything a man does, but I still like to feel welcomed to it in some way even if he just tells me, “Hey, I plan on going with the boys to LA next month” — Okay, cool. Have fun, tell everyone I said Hi and be safe. Because I at least appreciate him letting me know his plans even though it doesn't directly involve me.

Some of you know Method Man after he evolved. I knew Method man before his evolution…we are not the same and she ain’t me.

I have mentioned before about the last man I was involved with we were very much into each other and he was very engaging towards me, inviting me to come out and introducing me to people and communicating with me frequently. But after a few weeks, I noticed his energy shifted even though he said everything was fine when I asked him if something was different. — You know when something has changed, you can feel it. And I started to wonder who he really was vs what he was telling me. You know how some people try to justify their bs by pushing back on you like you're the one who's being too much? I felt like he was doing that to me. I was a little hurt and there were times I’d make excuses for him to help me alleviate some of my hurt and confusion I was feeling. I’m keeping that pain in the past because if I don’t, I’ll never be able to accept any future blessings. Although, I don’t want to go through that nonsense again with anyone. I’m not one of these women who keep making dead-end choices with their lives, work, friends, family, money, relationships, etc. I’m someone who strives to keep elevating. I cannot have someone who tries to reduce me especially when I’m letting my guard down.

So even though you may not want to put pressure on a man by letting him know the caliber of woman you are, you still have to him know that you have a set of standards and it's okay if he can't meet them, that just means he's not for you. I want a man who is about me and stands by me. Say if were hanging out with a group of people and I’m ready to leave. I don’t expect him to leave with me, I’d appreciate it if he does, but if he still wants to hang out, that’s fine. Although, if after I leave and people are kind of make side remarks like, “Why is she acting that?” “She’s no fun.” “She’s being standoffish.” — I don’t want for the man I’m sleeping with to co-sign their comments and encourage any negative thoughts about me, I want for him to defend me. So if that is too much to ask of a man to do, then yes, I require more than the bare minimum. I don’t need our particular situation to be serious, but I want him to be serious about me…does that make sense? I don't want a man who worries what other people see with me. I want him to stay focused on what he sees in me.

If you tell a man you only require the minimum, he's likely to just give you the minimum because that's what you told him you wanted. Remember in another post I said to not limit your value? Setting the bar low for these men is not going to achieve much. Do you want to go to a GYN who graduated at the bottom of their class or at the top of their class? Give your heart the same criteria because a man who is on the same level as you isn’t going to feel any pressure because he knows what all it takes to be above the minimum. That's what you want.

What is "WYD" and "WYA"

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

I’m sure all of you have gotten a text message that reads, “WYD” and “WYA” and for the most part it may come from someone you are either talking, seeing, sleeping with or are fooling with in some way. Granted I’m not getting any of those messages because I’m not giving up my goods to anyone 🔒. But when would get those messages from someone I was sleeping with, I wouldn’t get irritated because it was kind of this unspoken understanding of what those messages meant.

I’m not fully tight just yet, still have a little belly pouch to work off.

But if you are getting those messages from someone you are not seeing, then do the messages have a different meaning? For me, I think I would only accept a “WYD” from someone I’m seeing. I do feel like communication has become very remedial these days and we’re trying to find the quickest way to get a message across, but sometimes messages can be misinterpreted or misleading, so how do we clarify what we want to relay without using so many words because sometimes sending too much can be confusing too. And sending a three letter text message can be taken the wrong way especially with someone who you are still kind of feeling out and getting to know or you are not sure of the status of you two, but why do we have to confuse things and can't just say exactly what it is we want?

The biggest distance between two people is what isn’t said. 🤐

You also have to be careful with your words towards someone who is sweet on you or believes that something could possibly happen between the two of you. Ladies and Gentleman, you know when someone likes you and if given the opportunity, that person will show up at your door at any time you ask, and if you feed into their hopes, then you are the one that’s in the wrong. Sorry to say it, but you are. If you are continuing to entertain the conversations or make plans to hang out with them, then your actions are allowing them to think that something more could develop. Let’s be realistic here.

There’s people who I message and it’s a few words, then there are other people I message and it’s like a book, but my relationships with everyone are fairly the same, just because I say more to someone else via text doesn’t mean another person isn’t more important to me. Someone’s importance lies on who they are to me in my life and what I have experienced with them. Right now I have a few friends whom are dealing with something big and I try to make a point check in on them regularly and to let them to know that I am here if they need me. Unless you have done something that goes completely against my morals, then you are still a part of my life and I will continue to extend my care to you. Although, I am starting to notice that I am more caring to certain people than they are to me, but I still believe that you should be good to people for no reason at all. 🌸 — You cannot force anyone's kindness, you can only show your own. 🥰

When weather permits, the thighs and cleavage are out, and I do wear form fitting clothes at times, but how I carry myself doesn’t always speak to what I’m wearing, you get what I’m saying?

And remember in my last post I mentioned that it is sort of bad manners to not answer someone? Even if there is a lot going on or you are extremely busy, it’s good form to at least say something in return, although I know every scenario is different. Say if I am seeing someone, I would appreciate some sort of response, but since I’m not I have noticed that I get a little antsy when I do not hear back from people that I frequently communicate with, I guess it is may be because I make a conscious effort to response in a timely manner. This is how I picture it in my head: Someone sees my text and looks at it, doesn’t respond. They get a text from another friend and responds right away. I get it, you have different connections with different people, but if I’m simply asking how you are as a friendly gesture, then you can’t say, “I’m good.” even if you don’t want to say much? Takes you less than 2 seconds and most of us constantly have our phones nearby. I guess it’s the feeling of being ignored and nobody likes that.

Anyway, why is it that we have become so simpleminded with our communication. Even at work, I’ll get emails that is filled with text language. YES PROFESSSIONAL EMAILS with slang acronyms and emjojis! If it’s an applicant, I toss their info out, but if it is someone already employed, I redirect them about email etiquette. I was taught to have a professional vernacular and a casual vernacular, and we don’t mix the two.

But if you think about it, as a society we do tend to adapt to modern times, so is this “Short Language” something that we will begin to accept in professional settings? It’s like people don't want to retain good communication skills anymore. I’m going to tell you right now, if I get a “WYD” or “WYA” from an executive or CEO or a colleague that I have no personal relationship with, I’m not answering. 🚫

Look Out For Her When She Doesn't

Yes, postings are still off schedule and this is being published a few days early. I've got a few deadlines this coming week and had to get this done sooner. 😉

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

All of my posts are pretty relative, of course, they are based off my opinions, perspective, and experiences. It usually takes me a week, sometimes two to complete one post because I brainstorm a topic once day and then come back to it few days later to add more, to edit, to review, to add photos and voice overs, so it does take me some time. This topic in particular is very relative because even though this post has been drafting for over a week, a few nights ago I went out to a bar that I’ve never been in an area that I’m not familiar with and of course I was by myself. I very much enjoyed my time and the people in the bar were very welcoming and catered to me. I am always impressed with the hospitality I get at random places, I’m not sure if it’s just charisma or that I am very personable, but I am always grateful that I meet nice people and that I get home safely because the reality of it is I do put myself in situations that could potentially be dangerous.

———

I’m going to be a little transparent with this post because I am aware that my personality isn't always very welcoming when people try to show they care, especially men, because I instantly think there's another motive for their kindness. I need to stop that. You can still accept a man's affections and keep your boundaries intact.

I decided to make a little change, let’s see if my MALE friends notice. 😏

Several years ago a group of friends and I went to an outdoor concert. We all went separately, so we all parked in different areas. At the end of the concert I could not exactly remember where I parked, but I recalled the direction of the parking lot. My male friend volunteered to help my find my car, but I was adamant that I could do it myself, so when he was off asking security where the different parking lots were, I walked off towards my car. I did locate where I parked, but shortly after my friend drove around and kind of yelled at me for walking off and lectured me about safety. Instead of pushing back, I just dropped my guard and accepted what he was telling me.

Another male friend, whom I grew up with and do not see very often, does not like it when I wear revealing clothes. His concern is the type of attention I attract and how he may need to shield me from men being too aggressive or rude. And although I like to wear what I like, I understand his sentiment for me and our overall safety. So, on the rare occasions that we do hang out I keep my attire more modest. If we lived in the same city and state, he would be the one to make sure he gets me home safely even if he wasn’t out with me that evening. But I wouldn't take advantage of that.

There was also a time when I went on a trip with a group of friends, it was a mixed crowd, men and women. I traveled there by myself and got my own hotel room. Of course we all went out on the town, had fun, was drinking throughout the night, and a few of us got into the same Uber to go back to our rooms. I was the only one who booked a different hotel from everybody and when it came time for me to get out of the car, one of the guys in our group suggested he walk me to my room. I initially declined and started to ramble on about how I’m okay to go in alone, but he interrupted me and said that I’ve been drinking and that it wasn't safe for me to walk in by myself. Before I could decline again, he told the driver to wait for him and then he proceeded to take my hand and walked me through the hotel, to the elevator, and down the hall to my room. He stayed outside of the room and then told me goodnight and to lock the door.

If you’re uncomfortable with this, then you’ve never seen a woman in a swimsuit or seen lingerie ads. My girl friends get bothered with these types of images all the time. I always send them random boobage pics. 😝

In these three mentioned scenarios, I love it when a man looks out for me, especially when I don’t expect it, argues against it, and on top of that, does not want anything in return other than knowing I’m ok. There's not a lot of men like this. Remember the “I’m Not Like Other Guys” post? Yeah, this falls into that subject too. And to add a little more to that, even if a man isn't in a formal relationship with a woman, but sleeping with her, he still should protect the connection he has with her and not show out around other women otherwise, he is like most men.

But back to this topic, a lot of men would avoid the hassle of trying to look out for a woman when she's being difficult or if he believes she doesn't need his assistance. NEWSFLASH: You always make sure a woman is safe. I appreciate the men who do this for me and don't act differently about it when other people are around because they know I normally go places by myself. It would be different if I always had at least one friend with me, then of course my friend(s) and I are going to look out for each other, otherwise what good of friends are they?

But there's always women who linger on to a man even when she’s out with her friends and finds a way to separate herself from her friends and convinces the man to drive her home. I never had that mindset. Whoever I’m arriving with, is the same person or people I'm leaving with, although this is easy for me because 95% of the time, it’s just me. But I knew a girl who always came out with her friends, yet would have a certain guy drive her home. The guy made it seem like he was just being nice, when he probably just wanted to be alone with her too and not realizing how it’s making her feel special for going out of his way or maybe they had something going on. Now that I think about it she did always seem to be where he was and certain things he would say let me know they had many personal conversations together, so maybe he invited her to wherever he was? And she always sent her friends off and waited for him to take her home. Either he was oblivious to it or he knew what she was doing and again wanted to be alone with her. Who knows, not my business.

But I do love it when a man takes the time to make sure nothing happens to me even if I’m just walking around the corner or down the street. Like I said, I’m not always accepting of a man’s help or concerns for me, but sometimes I do need to be reminded that the world does have evil people in it and bad things can happen at any time especially to a woman who is by herself. See the dangers that I don’t see. So with that being said, I don’t think highly of every man, but I do think highly of every Gentleman.

Off Limits

(NEW) - Don’t feel like reading? Listen to the audio instead. 🔊

Remember last time I said, “I don’t like a controlling or jealous man, but I love a man who knows he wants me and won't let anyone else the opportunity.” When you're sleeping with someone shouldn't it be common rule that you are off limits to their friends? For instance none of his friends should be trying anything with you or flirting with you in any suggestive manner.

Even if there is a man I used to be involved with, but not anymore, I’m still not allowing any of his good friends have me. — Here is where my limits are…I don’t allow myself to sleep with a man who is 1 or 2 degrees of separation from the guy I used to sleep with. EXAMPLE: His bestfriends, people he knows well, or anyone in his immediate circle are 1st degree separation. If those people have friends who he also knows well enough and hangs out with from time to time, they are 2nd degree. So again 1st and 2nd degrees are 🚫 Off Limits. 3rd degree would be people he knows in passing, but even then it's a toss up.

I feel if his friends are getting too close for comfort there's a few reasons why...

  • He’s doesn't feel there is anything serious between you two; in which case he is likely telling other women the same thing 😒

  • He does not have plans to be serious with you, but stringing you along and bending the truth so you can still have sex 😔

  • He already has something serious with someone else and you are just the “fun time” for the meantime 😧

You should also be off limits to any past women or messy friends who want to put negative thoughts in your head about a man you’re sleeping with.

The main reason I put this on the men is because of my personal belief that men set the tone in a relationship (I know I’ve said this several times before.) You see, when men do not make it clear to their friends about you it’s because they don’t want it to be clear with you or anyone else. Don’t feed into the bs if he says something like, “I don’t want people in my business” — There is a way to let people know what’s going on without letting them know exactly what’s going on. 😕

Relax, it’s just legs with some cellulite and stretch marks, but I still put a censored banner across for those easily offended. 😒

There are some men who will never be clear with you. I know a guy who has a wife/ex-wife who still publicly claims their marriage/family is fully intact although, he claims differently. I don’t know what the truth is, not my situation, not my business, but apparently she believes in something he doesn’t and he believes in something she doesn’t so there will be some type of conflict with any woman that man gets involved with. My ex and I are very clear that we are not together, that is the one thing we strongly agree on so there is no confusion with our status.

At my age, there are an equal amount of people who are married, never married, divorced, and single so there can be a lot of confusion and baggage in my “dating pool”. And with social media and dating apps, there’s no telling who is telling the truth and who is hiding unnecessary secrets. I like a little mystery and I’m very understanding, but I don’t like when people take advantage of that and try to twist their truth to keep me interested. I have a good friend who I know I’ve mentioned a few times, he’s very fun to be around, I’ve known a good amount of years, he’s a safe person to hang out with, and I’ve seen him in his tom foolery elements, but one time I told him I don’t need to know everything about him and that I require a level of mystery between us. He laughed, but he understood exactly what I was saying. — I’m also not and never have slept with him so things that I may want to know about a man I’m intimate with isn’t going to be the same things I want to know about my platonic friends…are you guys following what I’m trying to say? — I don’t need to know everything, but don’t keep everything from me.

Dear Future Beau, put it on cruise control. (P.S. - I tell my friends if they invite me somewhere and I can’t show titties, thighs, or both, then I ain't coming out. 😁)

I’m also at an age where the mind games are ridiculous. It’s really simple, you either like me or you don’t. If you like me, tell me, if I like you the same let’s go from there and communicate further. If you like me, but have someone else who believes she’s with you, then handle that first because I don’t need a woman upset with me because she feels I damaged her relationship. — That nonsense should also be off limits to me and I don’t want any parts of that situation. In the same sense, if I’m the woman you are with then I don’t need any random woman approaching me about what you did when I wasn’t around…handle that too because I should not have to deal with any outside noise inside our relationship. If I ask you about something, that’s letting you know it got to me and you need to tie up those lose ends. -- This is why I’m going to keep myself to myself; men are out here being reckless. Plus, COVID is still alive and well along with Monkey Pox now, I don't want anyone's cooties. 😷 (The last time I ended up in the hospital I…nvm. Just keep any illnesses away from me, please.)

If you don’t know how to manage any type of intimate relationship then you don’t know how to manage your life because people are moving parts of your life that either make it fulfilled or complicated. But you get to chose how complicated you want your life to be. Am I wrong? 🤔

A Few Good Men

I need to brag on some of my male friends. There is only a handful of them who have no ulterior motives when I hang out with them. I don’t speak with them all the time, may once a week, maybe every few months, or maybe only once a year, but anytime I am around them, I feel loved, supported and protected. 😊

They make me feel very comfortable and respectfully correct me or challenge me to think beyond my emotions. But one of the best things I love about them is that they always make me feel great about myself. No, I never had an intimate relationship with any of them and none of them have seen me in an inappropriate way. *There was one evening recently when I was out with a few of them celebrating a birthday and my low cut dress kept having a mind of its own and trying to show my areolas (see photo, that's the look I was wearing). A couple of the guys delicately fixed my dress throughout the night. Yes, their hands graced my breasts and maybe a nipple, but it wasn’t in a way where I felt fondled, offended, or uncomfortable; in other words their hands didn’t linger on me.

And anytime I’m out drinking with them, they always offer to either get me a hotel room, welcome their home to me, or find a way to get me home safely. Even though I always decline their offers, I love their warmth towards me and how they look out for me. There are only a select few people who I feel safe around when I am drinking a lot, hence why I don’t drink with too many folks.

All of these men are highly attractive and are established well in life; most of them are married or in serious relationship and many of you know my stance on taken men (not the way I move). As for the single ones, there's a line I won't cross due to other factors on top of my personal values.

When you have men who genuinely care about you and who don't take advantage of your friendship with them, you start to learn a different version of love and understanding. Through these amazing male friends of mine, I've learned another level of patience, empathy, and ambition. Plus, they encourage me to keep my options open as a single woman and want me to have a partner who equally values me just as much as I value him.

For instance, I’m sure they would not want me invested in someone who spends intimate time with me, but then turns around and invites another woman to the movies or the bowling alley and when someone mistakenly mentions it to me and I ask about it, I get this line, “Oh, it was nothing like that.” — Sure Fam. Somehow she just guessed you were going to be there and expected you to take her home afterwards. Yeah ok, go ahead and exit stage left because your act is redundant. *(If you’re going to do fck boy things, then do fck boy things around people who don’t know me or who know the code of propriety with two people who are sleeping together). You can enjoy yourself, but make sure to not let anything questionable get back to me.

I would not have any issues introducing my guy friends to someone I’m involved with and I don't doubt that they'll let me know if someone isn’t for me or if someone is playing foolish games with me. I fully believe they want me to be happy and want to see me thrive in life just as much as I want the same for them. There is really not enough words in the world to fully explain my appreciation for these guys; I am blessed to have them.

*Either that or it’s these new natural body oils I’ve been using that’s keeping everything healthy.

Single Does Not Equal Lonely

To all the ladies who email me to ask what is so amazing about being single or wonder if I ever feel alone or don’t understand my need for solitude, this post is for you….

Let me start with saying my solitude is my safe space where I relax and reflect on my decisions, my future, and just go through my thoughts. My solitude cannot have distractions. I do various things on my own that is considered being in the confines of solitude: catch up on shows or watch movies, spend time with my kids, read, head to a coffee shop to work, go to a happy hour, or just fully rest and pamper myself. Solitude does not mean there are no people around you, it just means you take the time for yourself and do things you enjoy. The distraction would be if I adjust my enjoyment for someone else’s enjoyment.

Secondly, I do not ever feel alone or lonely. I have my groups of friends and each of them fit my life differently. The other night I decided to catch up with a very dear friend and we watched the finals (GS vs Boston), it was a great time, we caught up on new things going on in our lives, we laughed, we joked, and I was home before midnight. Then I have my childhood friends who I chat with every so often and we just share our currents thoughts throughout our day. And I have a few friends I sometimes run into when I’m out doing random things and we may sit and be in each other’s company for a while. Then of course I have my kids. So you see, I am never alone or even feel alone. — That’s a mindset.

The thing most of you may be jammed up on is the intimacy and companionship of being romantically or casually involved with someone. I don’t really require that, but what I do require is protection…protection of knowing I am loyal, but I also need my “me time” and with that, it does not mean I am giving what I share with you to anyone else, and not to hold it against me or be upset or speak down about me because I want a few days alone or to do other things…that for me is the intimacy I want. I’ve not had my fair share of relationships, I can count one 1 hand the number of people I’ve been serious about. I never felt that a relationship defines who I am or who I can be. Although, I do empathize with many of you women and I do like some elements of companionship. Remembering little details about me, what I like and make an attempt to see me smile. Yes, check in on me frequently and if I am involved with you in any way, I won’t ignore your call/message. I have no issue with saying I’m just relaxing for a few days or I’ll say that I have plans to go catch up with friends or if I’ll be out of town, or whatever I have in line that may keep me for spending time with you. Don’t get upset or use it against me to become distant. I am also not the kind of woman to be with any and every man, so I will never be involved with more than one person at a time and if a man thinks that of me, especially if I’m not behaving in that way or displaying poor values, then that is a sector of his doubts and insecurities, not mine. I like giving reassurance because I appreciate that too, calling me crazy or being dismissive of me when I ask about something/someone is a red flag I cannot ignore (and it may awake certain demons that don’t need to be up and who aren't pleasant to have around.) Have your fun and have your solitude too, but don’t minimize and discount what we share.

I am not against relationships, I love seeing people happy with someone and going through life together. And the parameters of a relationship is different for everyone. The only thing I like about my solitude and privacy is that no one really knows all the details of my life, they see what they see and may assume certain things, but if I am involved with someone, the one thing I won’t do is discuss the specifics of what we do or say with any outsiders. And I also won’t say anything foul against you if I am upset. — I surely won’t rally people not to speak to you or befriend you because I believe in people deciding for themselves how to communicate with others. I am here and stand by you until we decide different…that’s part of my loyalty along with many other values. Like I said in my last post:

What comes fast also goes fast. If it’s simple, you won’t be challenged. And nothing that is worth it is easy.

I don’t want fast, I don’t want simple. I don’t want easy. I also don’t want someone who is accessible to any and every woman. I am willing to go through the motions, but someone has to be just as willing too. — And any form of relationship with me isn’t going to be normal or what you may expect.

Sure, Tell Me More

Have you ever had a man tell you what you should and should do or how you should and should be, but then you realize he's not contributing to your happiness, comfort, growth, well being, or peace of mind? — Sir, what are you trying to do here? Why haven't men gotten the memo that when he’s making her happy, she's willing to listen a lot more than when she’s not. So if you don’t know how to treat or finesse a woman, just admit that and go.

You cannot control a woman who isn't happy. Period.

Women are simple in theory, but once you get our emotions involved, it can get messy. Want to make her happy? Hear what she is saying, but pay attention to what she is not saying. Mind her body language and eye contact. And when you speak, see what she is reacting to.

I cannot not speak for all women, but I hate feeling like there an imbalance of effort and empathy. Sometimes women tend to care too much, it is sort of what makes us very different from men…aside from other obvious things. But the other problem is, men tend to care too late. — Hence, the miscommunication between the sexes.

It’s not only women not knowing how to speak to men, it is also men not knowing how to speak to women. We cannot speak to everyone the same. We were all brought up differently, different areas, different home lives, different set of rules, different experiences. Now, I am not saying we need to do a thorough background investigation on everyone in our lives, but we should actively listen to people and take into consideration that they will not always understand things from our point of view. Yes, it can be frustrating…extremely frustrating. But, effective communication isn’t one sided. And to be infuriated with someone has the same level of passion as being tangled in love with them or staying so far away from them because laying eyes on them brings about an array of mixed feelings.

A good friend said this to me:

When someone doesn't know how to speak to you, but they care, they will still find a way to keep track of you and be happy and proud of you from afar until they can be around you again.

I am not sure how I feel about that. Part of me finds it flattering to have someone stay in the shadows and still watch for me and another part of me thinks I rather want to know when someone cares. Words of Affirmation is my top love language along with physical touch. — Let me know you've noticed. Make an effort to engage with me, that's my happy chemical.

I feel like good communication is a lost art 😕. Kind of like chivalrous behavior with men. I still notice when men either don’t or do stand up when a woman enters the room. Or when a man walks on the side of a woman that’s closer to the street. Maybe some of us are too “old school” for this new generation that likes fast things, instant gratification, easy people, and empty relationships. I refuse to fit in with the crowd just to be fun. — I like meaningful conversations. Tell me more.