Against The Odds

I had to add a response after getting several message regarding the guy I mentioned in the audio.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. This one is a little longer because I mentioned some personal things that is not written in the content, **Not an intimate man in my life, but a man in my life is brought up.

Most of you think I'm always dressed to the nines, trust me, when I write these things I'm usually in sleep clothes or an oversized t-shirt. Although, I have gotten comfortable with wearing sweatpants outside the house. And I do not really go out often, contrary to popular beliefs. Yes, after a long day or week, I have some go-to places I like to visit, but I don't really make plans to make a night of it. I just like to have a drink in social atmospheres. When I run into people I know, I do stay out longer, but initially my intentions are normally to have 2 drinks and go home. I am very much a square. And I'm sure whoever I get involved with will appreciate that I'm not a woman who's always about town. Which leads me to this topic…

I am generally in front of my laptop 8-14 hours a day. I started setting up alarms on my phone to remind me to step away from the screen so my eyes can readjust.

So some of you ladies have voiced your disappointment for me because you feel that I encourage infidelity. How you interpret my words is most likey based on what you've already predetermined about men, relationships, and possibly me. So I'll relay the same message again…

Many times I’ll say that what a man does when I’m not around is not a major concern for me, BUT it will become an issue if what he does negatively impacts my health, my stability, and my overall happiness. I generally keep all this vague because I want you to interpret it in your own way that works for you, because what works for me may not be something you agree with. — We don't have to agree to be happy with our relationships or ourselves.

No, I’m not saying it’s okay for a man to cheat his partner, I don't ever condone that. What I am saying is that a man has to be consistent in securing his partner and still making her feel valued, wanted, cherished, and loved no matter what he does especially if he wants to keep the relationship going. Reassuring a woman is a unique skill and when a man is able to do this, everything and anyone else is just background noise. Furthermore, not every man is capable of managing his behavior and his emotions when it comes to other women in his life and this is what causes conflicts with the main woman in his life. Many times when men go out and do whatever it's not because they are missing something with the woman he's already with, it's more often because someone else wants him and men find it appealing to be wanted, it feeds their pride and egos. Some act on it. Some don't. *More in the audio.

These are what my nights usually look like. Food in bed, a book, and tv on in the background.

Even though 2 people come together in a relationship, they are still 2 separate people who have their own thoughts and opinions. Yes, there will be some similarities, but they are still 2 different people, not clones of each other. So there are elements of their lives that won't directly involve the other. Again, I don’t advocate or support men to act against the love and commitment towards their partner, I more encourage women to not solely focus on what is not happening in front of them and instead focus on how the man treats them and makes them feel. Your life cannot revolve around one person because then you become dependent on them for your happiness. Whether you are married, dating, or just casually involved with someone, if you only look to that person for your own validation then you will always have an issue anytime they are not around you.

If I am involved with someone, no matter what the status of our relationship is, there are still some proprietary elements that I want protected which includes my heart and my health. My main gripe is when I don’t know my place with a man and he doesn't make it clear, instead he plays on my emotions and makes me feel like I’m wrong when I speak on what bothers me. *More in the audio.

I strive be in bed/sleeping between 8p-10p each night.

I am usually very laid back and go with the flow. I'm very much a “guy's girl” in the sense that I like going to bars, I watch sports, I talk shit, and I'm not stuck up or hard to approach, but if I'm fooling with you in any type of way and you try to challenge my intelligence and rationale, then that's the shit that will trigger a very ugly side of my attitude.

Don’t let what you do out there negatively effect what we have going on over here. Don’t let people out there try to influence you to act differently with me. And lastly, don’t do shit in front of me that you know will be a problem.

This doesn't mean I promote infidelity, this encourages a man to maintain a level of respect for his woman by keeping the nonsense away from her, because that's what most of you are worried about right? Is having to deal with any nonsense a man causes, but if it never comes to your attention or if he's still on top of make you feel number one, then what's the problem?

Enjoy your life and if you have someone, enjoy your life with them, but don’t get caught up in the “What if he’s doing something when I’m not around?” Focus on the “What he’s doing right here, right now, right in front of you.” — A good man is going to always make you feel valued and cherish even when you’re not seeing eye to eye, he is still not going to let any outside factors come between the two of you. Love that about him. *More in the audio.

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Men Have The Audacity

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Let me start by saying I have just as many guy friends as I do girl friends, but there is usually an imbalance of who I hang out with more because I do not always agree with every woman’s common perspectives on men and relationships and my girl friends don’t usually like my input. — Ladies, sometimes we have to take some of the blame when relationships fail or if you are constantly looking for love, but love never finds you. There is a statement I saw that reads: “None of my exes are married or in happy relationships, so I know I wasn’t the problem.” - This may be true for some of you, but what about the latter? What if almost every ex you have went off and got married? Then does that mean YOU were the problem? I guess that would all depend on how many relationships you had, the longevity of each one, what transpired within the relationship, and what caused it to end.

BUT, let me get back on track…when men fck up, they fck up pretty bad, but downplay it like what they did wasn’t big deal. In the clip created by Jess Hilarious, it emphasizes a man being upset that a woman is possibly seeing other men. Then she responds to him by stating he has a NEWBORN. I think this information implies that the man was sleeping with other women while in some form of building or starting something with her, but he is making it seem like it shouldn’t be an issue.

A clip from comedian, Jess Hilarious.

Of course this is an exaggerated example, but it brings light to how men behave and still expect women to fall in line with their bad behavior. Okay, so you can go and have a child with another woman, but I have to be okay with it and still give you a chance? THE AUDACITY. It’s similar to him saying he’s interested in you, but then talks to other women and gets upset with you when you talk to other men, like you cannot dare do the same thing he’s doing.

Real Life Scenario: I was involved with someone and those of you who’ve been coming to this site a long time know I don’t entertain multiple people. So the guy and I are out one night having fun, enjoying the crowd and talking with people around us. I think nothing of it. It was a good night. But later on the guy mentions that I was acting different when another man came around (WHAT?). I was really trying to wrap my head around what he thought he saw and the actual reality of the situation which was we were have conversations with everyone around us and I didn’t change my body language in any way to make it seem like I was giving someone other than him special attention. In hindsight, that was an insecurity on his part. If he had an issue, he should have addressed it sooner than later because the sooner you address something, the better perspective you receive. I noticed he would casually bring things like this up, making assumptions I was talking to other men. It wasn't until later on I sensed he did this to justify himself, to deflect his poor behavior and lack of consideration for me because one time he let another woman be all over him! IN FRONT OF ME. It wasn’t one of those things where a man is dancing in the moment and just enjoying the atmosphere and a woman around him is doing the same. No, it was him letting this girl fondle all over him, sit on his lap like they were a couple and him just soaking it up and smiling about it. Fam, you do that on your own time, not when the woman you're sleeping with is around you. And then he acted like I was the one with an issue when I had an attitude about it. 🤨 — Okay Sir, be out here and clown all you want to. I told you men are stupid, right? Yeah, STUPID. This is why when you fck up with me, there’s no chance of you ever getting close to me again, so let’s hope that move was worth it. I wish you well and all the happiness the world believes you deserve.

Bralette: Savage x Fenty Collection

Never in my life have I ever had to approach a man so I definitely don’t feel I need to chase one. If a man is not attracted to me or does not see how great I am, that’s fine, I’m not going to force anything on him — and me questioning certain things isn’t forcing, it’s gaining clarity. Some men don’t know this difference and thinks a woman is pressuring him. Like when you bring up things that bother you he makes it seem like you're the one that's being a bother. 😐 Fam, I'm trying to communicate my feelings to you! And the kicker is they think you're trying to argue when it only becomes an argument when they get offended and want to turn it back on you. Because they don’t understand emotional intelligence and aren't able to process how their actions affect your feelings 🙄

On the other side of the male spectrum, you guys remember the young man I met and decided not to string him along? Well, he still reaches out to me now and then and every time he does I more and more realize he does not understand or want to understand everything I need to do to maintain my life. I’m not going to go into details and I know he means no harm because again, we are at different stages in life so he cannot relate to me and of course he won’t full grasp why I’m not always available. But every time he reaches out to me it’s a constant reminder of, “Girl, you don’t have time to explain it to him, just type LOL and go.” He will be a great partner for someone one day, but I’m not her and I’m not about to waste his time while also wasting my time.

I don't need attention from everybody. If I like you and want to build something with you, I only want attention from you. It would be great if men started to practice this type of thinking too. This is called Accountability over Audacity. Let’s all work on this.

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Off Limits

(NEW) - Don’t feel like reading? Listen to the audio instead. 🔊

Remember last time I said, “I don’t like a controlling or jealous man, but I love a man who knows he wants me and won't let anyone else the opportunity.” When you're sleeping with someone shouldn't it be common rule that you are off limits to their friends? For instance none of his friends should be trying anything with you or flirting with you in any suggestive manner.

Even if there is a man I used to be involved with, but not anymore, I’m still not allowing any of his good friends have me. — Here is where my limits are…I don’t allow myself to sleep with a man who is 1 or 2 degrees of separation from the guy I used to sleep with. EXAMPLE: His bestfriends, people he knows well, or anyone in his immediate circle are 1st degree separation. If those people have friends who he also knows well enough and hangs out with from time to time, they are 2nd degree. So again 1st and 2nd degrees are 🚫 Off Limits. 3rd degree would be people he knows in passing, but even then it's a toss up.

I feel if his friends are getting too close for comfort there's a few reasons why...

• He’s doesn't feel there is anything serious between you two; in which case he is likely telling other women the same thing 😒

• He does not have plans to be serious with you, but stringing you along and bending the truth so you can still have sex 😔

• He already has something serious with someone else and you are just the “fun time” for the meantime 😧

You should also be off limits to any past women or messy friends who want to put negative thoughts in your head about a man you’re sleeping with.

The main reason I put this on the men is because of my personal belief that men set the tone in a relationship (I know I’ve said this several times before.) You see, when men do not make it clear to their friends about you it’s because they don’t want it to be clear with you or anyone else. Don’t feed into the bs if he says something like, “I don’t want people in my business” — There is a way to let people know what’s going on without letting them know exactly what’s going on. 😕

Relax, it’s just legs with some cellulite and stretch marks, but I still put a censored banner across for those easily offended. 😒

There are some men who will never be clear with you. I know a guy who has a wife/ex-wife who still publicly claims their marriage/family is fully intact although, he claims differently. I don’t know what the truth is, not my situation, not my business, but apparently she believes in something he doesn’t and he believes in something she doesn’t so there will be some type of conflict with any woman that man gets involved with. My ex and I are very clear that we are not together, that is the one thing we strongly agree on so there is no confusion with our status.

At my age, there are an equal amount of people who are married, never married, divorced, and single so there can be a lot of confusion and baggage in my “dating pool”. And with social media and dating apps, there’s no telling who is telling the truth and who is hiding unnecessary secrets. I like a little mystery and I’m very understanding, but I don’t like when people take advantage of that and try to twist their truth to keep me interested. I have a good friend who I know I’ve mentioned a few times, he’s very fun to be around, I’ve known a good amount of years, he’s a safe person to hang out with, and I’ve seen him in his tom foolery elements, but one time I told him I don’t need to know everything about him and that I require a level of mystery between us. He laughed, but he understood exactly what I was saying. — I’m also not and never have slept with him so things that I may want to know about a man I’m intimate with isn’t going to be the same things I want to know about my platonic friends…are you guys following what I’m trying to say? — I don’t need to know everything, but don’t keep everything from me.

Dear Future Beau, put it on cruise control. (P.S. - I tell my friends if they invite me somewhere and I can’t show titties, thighs, or both, then I ain't coming out. 😁)

I’m also at an age where the mind games are ridiculous. It’s really simple, you either like me or you don’t. If you like me, tell me, if I like you the same let’s go from there and communicate further. If you like me, but have someone else who believes she’s with you, then handle that first because I don’t need a woman upset with me because she feels I damaged her relationship. — That nonsense should also be off limits to me and I don’t want any parts of that situation. In the same sense, if I’m the woman you are with then I don’t need any random woman approaching me about what you did when I wasn’t around…handle that too because I should not have to deal with any outside noise inside our relationship. If I ask you about something, that’s letting you know it got to me and you need to tie up those lose ends. -- This is why I’m going to keep myself to myself; men are out here being reckless. Plus, COVID is still alive and well along with Monkey Pox now, I don't want anyone's cooties. 😷 (The last time I ended up in the hospital I…nvm. Just keep any illnesses away from me, please.)

If you don’t know how to manage any type of intimate relationship then you don’t know how to manage your life because people are moving parts of your life that either make it fulfilled or complicated. But you get to chose how complicated you want your life to be. Am I wrong? 🤔

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Getting a Divorce is NOT the Same as Being Divorced

I follow a female social group on Instagram (@the_socialtea) They host fun-filled educational and empowerment events for women in different cities. Sometimes they encourage discussions online such as the one I am going to emphasis in this post.

"Is Dating a Married Man Who’s Going Through a Divorce Acceptable?”

As I read through the comments, it was a mix of “Yes, sometimes divorces can be prolonged.” and “No, it’s not okay, he needs time to heal…karma is real…and he is still married.” I didn’t place any judgment on any of the women, but I will admit I was a little disappointed with some of the comments. I do know of women who willingly and actively date married men, but those women are not any of my good friends.

I am on the side of NO, it is not acceptable no matter the state of a man’s marriage, he needs to close that chapter and sort out his emotions before seeking another companion or even dating. Even if you are just “talking” it’s still wrong. Don’t feel like you need to be his comfort, you are his diversion. The second you know a man is married, he is UNATTAINABLE. I do not care if you have history with this man or whatever he is telling you about his wife or their marriage (btw, a man who discusses his personal issues about his woman to other women is not honorable.) He chose to marry a woman who is NOT YOU and he should address any matters about their marriage with her, especially if they are going through a divorce. A woman who entertains a married man is THE OTHER WOMAN. Your fight in the triangle is not balanced. You have NO Legal, Financial, or Emotional Claim to him. Yes, I mention emotional because although he may be a “nice” guy but his true emotional barrings are not practical towards you. Here is an article about 5 Things to Expect When You Get Involved With a Married Man.

Let me give you some background on me and my previous life of being someone’s wife: Still in my 20’s and after 9 years, I finally came to realize I was not in a healthy home or relationship. In the 9 years, we did have a time of separation where my partner did see other people as did I. When we decided to reconcile, everything was good for a short period but, as any toxic relationship, the same issues were still there. Instead of confiding in me, the father of my children decided to lean on other women because it was too much for him to face me and resolve issues with me, so he chose to go where the less tension was. It was a nasty time in my life, I did not like who I was and my state of mind was unrecognizable. Even though I knew I needed to let go of this man, it did not help matters knowing that other women wanted him and did not care that he was with me. For some reason they felt “entitled” to him because they had developed a type of relationship with him. And these women were very adamant with telling me everything my partner was telling them and the times they have spent with him. Well guess what, I didn’t give a damn what they were saying or that my husband was making the worst decisions for himself and our family, the fact of the matter is we were still together and these women were on the outside wanting to come in. It was a different level of anger and it wasn’t towards my husband, it was towards these women who thought they wanted my position. (Let me tell you a secret that is not so secret, all of them are not fully happy with result of their choices.)

Here’s is a reality check for women who want attention from a married man: He chose to marry HER, not YOU. It does not matter if you knew him before he was married or met him afterwards, you are now making yourself be a second option. You want what you think is great because you see or speak to him in a limited capacity. You only see your point of view and want what you think someone else took from you or is keeping from you, but you are not seeing the toxic nature of what this man is doing to his wife and to you. And Sis, he most likely is reaching out to you because he knows you want him to and you let him. It doesn’t matter if he tells you he loves you and wants to be with you; he is still in a relationship that he needs to end before moving forth with a new one.

Yes, much of my distaste for this is due to my own real life experiences, but I have also not been the character to want, need, or crave the attention of a married man. I have married friends, some of which I am only friends with the husband or was friends with the husband first, but I never cross the line, and the biggest reason for that is I HAVE STANDARDS AND BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF. The fck I look like going after a married man? I have great fun with my married friends and respect their unions with their chosen partners and all marriages are different from the next, but I will never be The Other Woman.

There may be scenarios of women finding love in a married man and having happiness with him at the end or hearing of women putting up with a man’s emotional dysfunctions and eventually it works out. These are your “safety nets” and not very common, but if those safety nets make you feel better about your decisions, then hang on to them. Although think of this, if you have to adjust your wants and needs to shift how a man acts or responds to you, then you have shown him that you are willing to compromise yourself for him, so what else wouldn’t you do? You already blurred the lines of your independence and if you are that woman, never say things such as, “I wouldn’t let my husband do….” Really Sis? You are already letting him affect your good judgment and if you want him badly enough, you will continue to suppress reality and compromise yourself for him. Remember the saying, “How you get him is how you lose him.” and will you be okay with him being your partner if this is the behavior his is displaying with you? How confident are you in this married man of yours?

Now if a man did not tell you he was married, that is a different type of turmoil and again, if he’s married, he’s MARRIED. Get out now and get out quickly. Therapy will help. I can emphasis that I cannot dictate what others do; it’s your life and you do as you will with it, BUT if you are my friend who is doing this, I don’t have to agree with it or continue to accept you the same way in My life. I cannot speak for another woman or of her feelings towards a man, but I do have higher expectations for women than I do of men, especially for my friends. If you know a man is married and continue to want to develop a courtship with him, that’s fine for you, but I need freedom from that energy because I cannot look at you the same anymore. There is an insecurity there that I cannot help you through.

Ladies, there are so many ways to fulfill your life with happiness but, if you don’t have confidence in yourself, you will struggle with finding that happiness with anything or anyone. After leaving my ex, it took me a long time to find myself, recharge my core values, and be reminded that….

“I AM THAT BITCH! I’m beautiful, I’m smart, I’m funny, I don’t take myself too seriously, I can dress to the nines, I’m a damn good mother, and I’m a great friend. I’m there for you if you need me and if I can’t be there, I make it up later on. BUT, I am not going to deplete my energy for you or because of you; that is where I draw the line. It doesn’t matter if you are a lover, a friend, or a family member. I KNOW MY VALUE. I AM A TREASURE.”

My ex has tried to come back into my life a few times. We have children with together, so I cannot completely avoid him, but my communication is limited and rare. I do not play on his advances or give him any opportunity to think I am open to rekindling anything with him. I’m at peace and I’m going to remain here.