Relationships: A Wise Investment?

“Love is just a word we attach to a feeling that we don’t really understand until we look back on it.”

Someone told me, the best thing you can do is make solid relationships that benefit both people. This includes friendships too. You invest in people and cultivate a type of understanding and communication with one another that gets your through certain things in life. I pour into a lot of my friendships because the friends I’ve made are free-flowing and I have friends who I talk to about serious topics and I have friends who I talk to about lighthearted topics, they all bring value into my life one way or another.

The Older I Get

The more I understand what works for me and that it may not work for others, but I can’t rely on others to make things work for me. ✨️

The types of relationships I'm not pouring into is a partnership. A colleague mentioned that partnering with someone can be a good personal and financial investment, but I feel like that all depends on your partner. Say if your partner is bad with money or doesn't have a good paying job, then you carry the bulk of the financial responsibility which can also affect your communication with the person. But if you have a stable person who can carry the same weight and articulate adult responsibilities, then yes, that’s a good partnership. 👍🏽

I was talking to one of my good friends a few days ago…he is a damn fool, I have so much fun when I talk to him, well, I have a lot of fun when I talk to any of my friends. I just have good people in my life. Anyway, with this friend, we've both been married before, we have children and don’t want anymore, we make good money, and we can do whatever it is we want to do, so I was telling him I don’t need or want a partner, but I like having companionship and I would like to be involved with someone who understands the difference.

We don’t always have be around each other. If he wants to go grab a drink after work and not invite me out, I'm fine with that. Or if he is going out with his friends and doesn't ask me to come, I'm okay with that too. I’m not going to ask invasive questions, I may just ask what you did the other night, but don't treat me like I’m the opposition or like a stranger, communicate with me. And also, if we so happen to run into each other somewhere and you're out with friends or whoever, don’t act as if you don’t know me, especially if we’re sleeping together. I'm grown, I don’t play those silly games. You don’t need to be all up on me, but don’t treat me like some random person that you just know.

I like hanging out one on one with someone, but I don't always require it. We can hang out with a bunch of people or we can just talk on the phone or text. And I don’t always want to talk of superficial things, I want articulate and intrinsic conversations where we learn significant details about our values and backgrounds. There’s other forms of intimacy other than sex. And I want a companion who understands all of this.

I rather invest into this kind of relationship rather than a partner who wants to combine every aspect of our lives. I don’t want to live with anyone, but I do want to see you and spend time with you when we can. I like going out and doing things and sometimes I like to have intimate company. Someone who is interested in me and talks to me in ways that my friends don’t speak to me, I’m sure you guys know the difference.

But for now, when I want company, I just call one of my friends, and don’t get me wrong, I love catching up with them, but vibe is different with someone you're intimate with and that's the main reason why I like companionship because the synergy is different. Again, I don’t need a partner, I just want to share energy with someone who likes to embrace me and the moments we have together. I think that would be the wise investment, at least for me, I can't speak for all of you.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

I talk back

“If we cannot communicate effectively. We can’t communicate.”

I was having a conversation with someone the other day and we were talking about relationships, and I said somethings that I never said out loud before. Now most of you already know I only claim one relationship as the serious one and that was my marriage. But I have been involved with other men who I loved and some I didn't love. And the person I was having a conversation with ask me why none of those relationships ever became too serious and my response was this:

“After my divorce I worked so hard to get my life in order and back on track to where I now have good stability and I don’t want that to be ruined by anyone who will make my life unstable.”

I Worked Hard For This

My space (mentally and physically) is not a want, it’s a NEED. Be just as valuable as my space and my time.

There's a lot of allure to having fun with someone because when the fun is over, we just go back to our own lives, but then there's that companionship that you can miss out on and I think that's where it gets complicated for me, because I do enjoy that companionship, someone who knows me privately or knows things that others may not know.

Because I've worked hard to get my life to where it's at and I did it by myself, I have become comfortable with wanting and needing my space. So in a lot of the situations I had with men, something would happen where I have to decide between the companionship or my space. I want companionship as much as I want my space, but depending on what type of issue I’m having with someone, I'll choose me first, therefore wanting my space outweighs wanting that companionship.

And I really do hate arguing to no end where nothing is getting resolved. I like sharing my thoughts, but I don't like the feeling of not being heard and a man continuing to avoid me. I don't like when a man jumps over what I’m trying to say and only wants to defend what he said or did. And when that happens I feel inclined to keep going with my thoughts…because if you're not going to listen to me, what purpose does it bring to only listen to your opinions, is it about you? Or is it about us and how we can communicate effectively?

But here’s something I want you all to ponder on…Women who are very vocal about their opinions, are seen by men as someone who wants the center stage or dramatic, but is it that she just doesn't feel heard and understood that she feels she need to be more radical with her thoughts?

I jokingly used the phrase, “I talk back” which in meaning is the essence of I’m a strong minded individual and I've developed critical thinking skills that allow me to think beyond the surface. I never just read a news headline and take it for face value, there's always more to a story. That's why when people tell me things that are vague or ambiguous, I know there's something more they don’t want to share for whatever reason. Maybe they don’t want any feedback or opinions or maybe they're ashamed about something. When I share something I am opening it up to any questions and feedback that may come along. I may not necessarily be making it your business, I’m just sharing something with you and I’m allowing you to give your opinion on it. I’ll let you know if you're curiosity is going to far.

In any case, a woman talking back shouldn't be confused with a woman sharing her thoughts and feelings. Men are always quick to shut us down because society deems a woman being vocal as being nagging or emotional. Sometimes when I really frustrated or angry I begin to cry because there's so much on my mind and my heart that I can't get it all out at once, and most men don’t give patience to that. So women are just supposed to stay quiet and go along with whatever a man says?

Don’t Dismiss Her

When a woman is expressing herself, give her time to get it out.

Fellas, if you're not doing something right by a woman, there's good chance she feels it and will say something about it, don’t be dismissive of her feelings. Pay attention to the fact she notices you and notices when something is off about you. Don’t automatically become irritated because you don’t want to deal with her concerns, if she loves you, her concerns are about YOU and if you don’t have the same types of concerns for her, then you need to make some decisions and let her know what those decisions are. Otherwise, you're going to keep having the same arguments over and over again.

Look, I’m not giving any advice, I'm just thinking practically. This is why I don't like to get too involved with someone too quickly, because again, I’ll choose my space if a man isn't reassuring me that he's worth more than that. Especially if you start to act funny or play games with me, then I’m just going to fall back into my hole and depending on how long I've know you, there's a chance you may never hear from me again. In some scenarios, if I feel that you're not worth it, I'm not going to talk back.

Be safe out there.

One of you said, “Diddy is also still out there having babies.” - I completely forgot he just had a newborn! Listen, I can still very much have more children, but I choose not to. And I am NOT willing not compromise on that.

The Grown Attitude

“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child…”

Method Man did a recent interview stating he doesn't know why he keeps being labeled as a sex symbol when his not doing anything to earn that title. And I see his point of view on this. Clifford is what, in his early 50s now? And I think his is at a point in his life where he's done all the he planned to do, and now he's just enjoying the legacy he's made. Mind you, this man is married and has been married for over 2 decades. I think early in his life and career, he had a lot of fun. And there were always rumors here and there about some of the women he may have been in a situation with, but they were all rumors. During the this interview he used Smokey Robinson as an example of living in his highlight when it was appropriate, but when the clock starts winding down, trying to keep up with the highlight just doesn't make sense. I think that was such a mature thing to say and I think, however, Cliff living his right now, he is doing it on his own terms and no longer chasing Hollywood or entertainment high, and he's just enjoying life as Clifford with remenents of Method Man.

The most attractive thing about a man is growth and maturity. It doesn’t mean he still doesn't come with some bullshit. He just knows how to handle it better.

I think Jay-Z is the same way. We've heard rumors about him as well when he was starting to become known, and other rumors came about during his marriage. But one thing is for sure, he will do the most to protect the solitude of his family. Almost everything he does now seems to be business driven, even with the dynamics of his family and personal affairs. If there isn't a value or a means to an end, he's not interested.

Now Puff...ummm...Sean Combs ain't Shawn Carter, and definitely ain't Clifford Smith either. Mr. Combs is going to live how he wants to live, flashy, outspoken, opulent, all of the above. One of my childhood friends is like this and I need to be mindful of the time I spend around him because he can be a lot. Puff is going to have a rotation of young women, and he's living like he's in his 20s with his 50s fortune. Aye, go ahead, Puff, do what you want.

And I'm only using these 3 men as examples because we've seen where they started to where they are now.

David Beckham may be another good example, but we don't get a lot of news from across the water unless we're fishing for it. But I think he's shown a lot of maturity over the years, too.

Make The Good Choice

When that doesn't work out, make the other choice. 😁

Let me tell you something and I want all of you to start putting this in your daily mantra and it doesn't matter how old you are or where you're at in life, say this right here:

"I CAN NOT MISS OUT ON ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEANT FOR ME"

This includes relationships, friendships, work opportunities, investments, fun nights, whatever it is, you do not miss anything that isn’t meant for you.

But if those same relationships, friendships, work opportunities, investments, and fun nights present themselves again, you can take it.

Just because you did not say Yes the first time doesn't mean you can't say Yes the next time. Maybe you said no the first time because it didn't feel right at the moment, but time changes things, right? And what we felt then may not be what we feel now. Just like with the men I mentioned, how they behaved then is probably not what they'll decide to do now, exclude Puff from this thought.

You know that saying, "When I was a child, I acted as a child" it's a derivative of the bible verse. It applies to all of us. Just like with the one reader who said, “A connection can be made with anyone, but it can only last but so long and go only so far without any real value or tangible substance. And if you only rely on that connection, you avoid your own reality, thus avoiding your own bullshit.” The reader also used an example of pedophiles relying on connections. Her example was extreme, but I think she was just trying to make her point.

So again,

"I CAN NOT MISS OUT ON ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEANT FOR ME"

This can go so many different ways. There's things that are good for you and there's things that aren't, but you decide that. And here’s something else, the universe always knows what it's doing even when we don’t, and sometimes when certain things happen we call it coincidences or a sign. But the only thing we manage is what we feel and what we decide to do next.

Every decision is a great decision until it's not. And when it deems itself as not a great decision, then you have to figure out if you'll avoid making that decision again OR if you do make that same decision, what will you do differently next time? Because with growth we can walk down the same path, but this time we are more equipped with traveling it better.

Be safe everyone.

Interested In Him

“You can only be as happy as you make your mind up to be.”

Reader Question: “Don’t you ever think your guy friends want to be with you?”

I actually get asked this a lot especially when I mention my guy friends in my topics. So here's the run down. With the guys I grew up with and I'm still friends with, there has never been that awkward unspoken interest for one another, we always just been friends and nothing more. With some of the guy friends I made as an adult and I've become close to them, they've never shared with me they want anything more so when we hang out it’s just really simple. Now, in relation to that there is a select group of guys who I've become friends with through someone I was involved with and with them, they never have crossed a certain threshold with me. I’m not going to mention the guy's name, but with his friends who I’m now also friends with, in their minds I’m “that man’s Raya". Even though right now, I’m just “Raya” but how they met me and things that have occurred since then, to those guys, I’m still “so and so's Raya.” And I don't have a problem with that because I love having male friends who I can have fun with, feel safe around, and not worry about being taken advantage of. That is a great feeling to have and I value that. 😊 Don’t get me wrong, ALL of my guy friends do flirt with me in some way or will hang their arm around me, or kiss my cheek or my forehead, but it's all out of love and never uncomfortable.

The Misconception

Don’t confuse my comfort or friendliness towards someone with being interested in anything other than a good conversation.

Let's move on…

In one of the recent topics I let you know that I've never told a man I was interested in him and many of you had very strong opinions agreeing and disagreeing with what I said. The main reason I don't do it is because I don't want things to be awkward if the man doesn't feel the same way in return because then the dynamic of our communication changes and then it’s like, “We'll, damn. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all.” Especially, if it's a guy I like hanging out with.

I know men sometimes like women to be a little forward, but is it too much to ask for a heads up that you have some interest in me before I take that step? You don’t have to come out and say it, but in some way let me know that you are attracted to me intimately and open to seeing what more can happen, even if it’s just for fun, give me some clue. I’m not the one night stand type of woman, if you are my intimate partner, I want it to happen more than once. So, you can very much be my temporary lover or my fun partner, but just know, I’m not a one time girl.

This is why I say that I need to be comfortable with a man before getting in bed with him. I want to have the understanding that if we are going to be involved, even if it’s casual, that we still have consideration for one another and make adjustments that appease us both. I like a busy man, I don’t need a man who has too much time on his hands, because then he may want a lot of my time and what if I’m not available? He goes off any starts getting involved with someone else until I am available? I don’t need that mess.

I also like a man who understands the importance of self-care and solidarity. Because I know I have mentioned many times that it can seem like I’m being distant when I need to just be alone. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be involved anymore, it just want time to myself and I would like for a man who gets that. For me to be a better me, I need my me time. For me to be the sociable, charismatic, giving, and caring person that people know me to be, I need that alone time. And I want him to take time to himself too. Unless I tell you I want out or you tell me you want out, then my interest in you is still there.

There can also be times that we may be in the same room and just not have an active conversation, we can just lay on each other and watch tv, or he can be on his laptop and I’ll be on mine. If we just want to be in each other’s presence and not really do much, I’m okay with that. I guess what I am trying to say is that I do not always need that constant dialogue to keep my interest peaked.

Here’s the other side to this. If I am not interested in someone, I do not need to be pressured into being interested. For instance, if I tell you that nothing intimate is going to happen between us and I give you my reasons, don’t try to have ulterior motives to get me to change my mind. And if I share with a friend that I have my reasons for not getting involved with someone, that friend should not be pushing me to be involved with that person. It doesn’t matter if you do not agree with my reasons, they are MY Reasons, so respect the fact I do not want to get myself in a situation that I am already not comfortable being in.

  • But here is the realistic part I need to talk about. With a man who I have never been involved with or intimate with, it is much harder for him to get to me than a man who already knows me in that way. I’m not saying that every lover I have ever has still has a chance, I’m just saying they already know some details about me that they can utilize to their advantage. Thank goodness I do not have a lot of previous lovers. I think I said before, I can drive several hours outside my front door and count on LESS than one hand how many men have been in my juices.

If we are both interested in each other, let’s not play these cat and mouse games and just let each other know. I am willing to be more vocal with a man who gives me the feeling that he’s interested rather than a man who I am not sure if he’s even worried about be in any way. But remember, I’m not a one time woman, if we’re just having fun, then we’re going to have fun a few times and make the most of it. And if you have me, don’t leave me wondering if you’re still interested, just let me know if you want to stop or if your feelings have changed.

Be safe out there.

Codename: "Poppa"

“Sometimes we lose each other, but we don’t stay lost.”

In my last topic I gave a little shoutout to a special reader/listener, in this topic, I am going to focus more on this particular reader/listener. This person expressed a slight discernment of some of the things I was saying and felt I was being unfair with my content and believes I vehemently dislike them which is very far from the truth. I let the person know that I utilize my critical thinking using more social verbiage as I speak about my perception of interactions that I experienced.

I am going to refer to this person as “Poppa” which is actually the nickname I gave him very early on and Poppa is someone who I have interesting experiences with. All the experiences were not great, but not everything is always great, right? And I hate that he only sees my reflections as being all negative as opposed to being constructive and a way of learning certain antidotes on how to be with people and I don’t think he gets my humor sometimes. But I realized something the other day, we have become a bit critical of each other. Poppa, this is something I don’t think either one us is willing to admit that we created a sort of barrier and it infuses our good and bad over the years.

In the beginning, we had a sort of unspoken understanding that we are just going to the enjoy the moment and our geographical distance allowed us to stay fond of each other and during these times we gave each other a lot of praises and the element of mystery was not an issue.

We met on April 25, 2015 under unplanned and unexpected circumstances. I did not expect to hear from him again after this date.

In recent years, our geographics changed and we had more frequent face-to-face interactions. The recent years is where some of our not so great experiences came to surface and I reflect on those experiences a few times throughout the topics. I don’t think I discuss him any more or less than I discuss my relations with other people I know. And I do try to keep things open-ended and make it clear that it’s my opinion and not confirming it as the right opinion, because we all have our own ideas and perceptions on what is accurate depending on our feelings and values. Within the recent years, we had a period where we got a little closer than before. During this time, he was catering and attentive, much like how I first met him.

But here is where I think the conflict is. We are almost equal opposites in the sense that we have similar tastes in music - I always poke at him for wondering how good his ears are. We practice similar ideas of relaxing and having a good time - we welcome people and want everyone around us to enjoy themselves and Poppa, you won’t like to hear this, but people do notice one you are giving someone extra attention. Lastly, we are both established in our individual lives. With all that in mind, we are also very strong-minded in our views. I’m just going to use the word stubborn because, Yes, Poppa it can be like the pot calling the kettle black with me and you.

We always let things happen as they needed to.

We both like our space and time to decompress from people which can seem like we are being emotionally dry or distant, I don’t believe our intention is to be cold towards people, but sometimes we just need to disconnect. And the time when we were a little closer, there were moments when I wanted to connect and he didn’t and vice versa and our distant behaviors ended up being filled with other things that did not help us stay close and I know he won’t admit this, but I didn’t like it when he tried to downplay his friendship with a girl that I questioned him about a few times and a few other things he did that hurt my feelings.

Although, in my experience with him, I did learn that sometimes people phase in and out and we are an example of that. Sometimes we are very engaged, sometimes we are not. For instance there have been recent conversations with him where I think, Hmmm, that’s something new…and it really caught my attention. Like when he told me about a community service project he was part of and a few days ago he slightly mentioned he was mentoring. Poppa, I love these things! And I also appreciated when he and I bonded over a mutual friend of ours where Poppa called me to let me know what happened and a few days later we both sat together and reflected on our friend’s situation. I thought that was a sentimental moment.

“Poppa”

On this day we had no clue what was to come next.

So even though Poppa thinks I don’t like him or always attacking him, those are just small impressions to what I really think of him, it’s like 5% of his 95%. Yes, Poppa, I do get a little brash with you when you do things that harm your caliber. But, I also know that you have to process things though just like anyone else.

It is kind of like seeing someone walk across a street without looking both ways and you are just hoping the reach the other side unharmed. And I am not saying Poppa is careless person, sometimes I’m just like, “Baby, please think about this some more before you get ahead of yourself!” I also appreciate the company he has in regards to his college friends. I’ve gotten to know them over the years too and I love all that they are. And if I am being honest, my love for the friends is slightly different than the love I have for Poppa because he and I have different experiences with each other and most of the friends don’t fully know those details. And that’s another similarity we both share, we like our privacy, although his definition of privacy is a little different from mine.

So to my special reader/listener: Poppa you are great, I hate that you take my sentiments as negative jabs. Don’t assume that any of my reflections is a permanent mark of how I think of you. Because overall, I enjoy when we talk without restrictions and expectations. Now, if I start flirting with you, don’t act funny, because talking shit to you has been an issue. Enjoy your day, my love.

Choosing With Your Head First, Then Your Heart

Sometimes we make mistakes with deciding on people, but when you keep making the same mistakes, it’s you, not them.

Ok, I am officially getting sick. I don’t know why I keep playing with my health like my immune system isn’t compromised. I know my guardian angels are about sick of me! Anyway, even though I’m feeling weak, I received a call from a good friend last night and we talked for a good while. I haven’t socially seen him since his birthday party back in July and I saw him briefly when there was an unfortunate incident that occurred with his family. Speaking with him made me feel so great, we discussed a few different things that I’ll probably incorporate them into a few topics here and there. I love my friend, he’s so great and it’s him and a few other’s like him whom I feel so comfortable and safe around. They are very honest and transparent with me and genuinely care about me and I am so blessed to have people like that in my life.

Ladies, don’t think I have any secrets about how to find good men. I don’t. Yes, I always speak highly of my guys friends, they are great men, but keep in mind that I am not in a romantic relationship with any of them. So, my point of view about them will be different from a woman who is sleeping with them. So don’t be over there believing I’m keep all the good men to myself. Come get these men! I love them, but the work all of my nerves. Like my one friend got himself this girl and nothing is wrong with her, but they are not on the same level in life and it’s only a matter of time before she filters out after he starts to notice things everyone else is noticing. But hey, we got to let our people do what they do.

Although, ladies, we have to do better too. We can’t just linger on every word a man tells us. What is he actually doing and what are the two of you doing? If your mind is going one direction, is his mind going the same direction? Are you trying to move the relationship forward and he seems to be hesitating or taking his time? Baby, that is a sign. He has his reasons for not moving at the same pace as you just like you have your reasons for not staying at his pace. Yes, people may take longer to be ready, but it’s up to you if you want to wait or not.

It is good to follow your heart, but don’t leave your head behind because when that heart of yours breaks, guess who has to pull double duty to get yourself back together? Yup, that good ol’ noggin. It can be hard to see what other people are seeing and to be practical about things when we are feeling and being loved, but when we stop thinking about other things that impact our lives, we open ourselves up to making decisions that don’t have the greatest outcome. You heart may be in the right place, you just need date someone who improves your value, not take away from it and make you look like you doesn’t know any better. It’s hard to explain these things to some men because they always like to believe that are sure of everything and know exactly what it is they are doing….Do you, sir? Do you really know???

The Effort Series

Legs.

Here's another thought I want to share with you. Let my try to give you guys an analogy. Let’s mark different levels in life with percentage numbers. A man at 50% will probably attract a woman who is also 50% or higher, but on the other side of it, he's definitely going to look like 100% to a woman who is at 20% or 30% because women like date up and will do more than a woman at 50% to get the man whom is at 50%. And the man probably knows this and likes her willingness to do more for him because the other women closer to his level are more likely to look for a man higher than 50% (are you following?). And when a man can't offer more or want to be more, he dates lower (are your hearing me?). Just let this sit on your mind a bit and think about your dating history or think about people you know and the type of people they date.

This is why I think it is better to date within your caliber, not too high, not too low, just that good range where you too are not constantly having to explain yourselves or struggling to communicate. This is one of the things my friend and I were talking about. As mature as some of the younger adults may seem to be, there’s still some things they just are ready to comprehend with people who have a little more experience in life. For instance, remember the 25 year old I met last year and I decided right away that I would not play games with him? I made that decision because although he is persistent, sweet, ambitious, and further ahead in life than most of his peers, mentally we are not in the same realm of understanding. Our lives are too different, I’ve been where he’s been already and so much more. Our progress is not on the same level, maybe in another 10 years, he’ll be where I am now, and I may have slowed down a little to where our lives better align, that’s just not the case right now. And although he is very attractive and a great guy, I know better than to get myself involved with someone who isn’t ready for my life.

Ladies, I will say this much…I do have a lot of attractive men in my circle. Sometimes I look at my guy friends and think, Damn, my boys look good. — Like as if I made them. You know what, I hope they say the same about me too.

Anyway, I’m not saying don’t take risks with people and relationships, just don’t let your heart be the only one making moves, let your head keep you leveled.

Love Isn't Enough

“Learn to walk away when something is no longer serving your peace.”

THE CHALLENGE: So during this term, my professors are encouraging us to do a 30 for 30 challenge where we write for 30 minutes a day for 30 days to better identify our writing styles and voices. Of course no one in my cohort knows about this site, but I am slightly taking the challenge. If you've noticed, I’ve been publishing more topics more frequently, although I don't have enough topics to write out a new post each day. #FutureDrRay

There has been a phrase that I noticed I hear more often nowadays, in movies, shows, books, captions…every where. And the phrase is “Love isn’t enough.” - What do you guys think about this?

I can count on one hand how many men I’ve said “I love you” to in a romantic way. I told you guys, I don’t have a trail of relationships behind me. The last man I said those words to, it was a surprise to me and I think it was a surprise to him too, but he felt it and one night he gazed into my eyes and gently said, “Tell me”. And when the words came out he says, “I never heard you say that before” and he said it to me and also said, “Raya, You have no idea how much I love you.” To this day, I still don’t know what he meant by that. A little background, we had known each other for a few years already and fooled around on and off, went on different small trips together, but we never gotten that close until that time. And we were so into each other and I was hesitant at first, because it was unexpected and it felt great (I think I even wrote about it, actually I can probably go back to the older posts and narrow down when we started getting close and how I was feeling about it. But it fizzled out and I am not too sure why maybe I was too busy or he was too busy or we didn’t make enough time for each other, I don’t know. So I guess love wasn’t enough. Where is this man now? Ummm…we still speak to each other, but he is figuring things out with someone else…I think I am not too certain about that. He still hasn't officially confirmed anything. Maybe they want to have a baby first. Joking.

And if I go further back, I did love the father of my children at one point, but again it wasn’t enough for me to still want to be with him. It did hurt to leave, but I wasn’t getting what I needed in that relationship and I was tired to hurting and him not putting our family first.

There is an author named Mark Manson who wrote an article titled the same as this topic. Here is a little exerpt from what he wrote, he lists 3 truths about love:

The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us.

1. LOVE DOES NOT EQUAL COMPATIBILITY

Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process. Compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.

The other two things he lists are Love does not solve your relationship problems and love is not always worth sacrificing yourself for. I think this is very eye opening for many of us and can help us look at relationships differently and can guide us to weed out the idealistic thoughts about what love is and isn’t and focus more on relationship types of behaviors that withstand the test of time.

Back to Life

Let me tell you all how I really used to make an effort to BE A STATEMENT! I really used to take time to do my hair, makeup, and put together looks. One of my goals for 2023 is to start doing this again. ❤️

So the guy I mentioned first, it’s hard to say what is definitive between us. I believe we have always treated each other slightly differently then how we treat other people and I won’t get into those details and I don’t think we have always been very forthcoming with one another which has lead to multiple misconceptions of each other over the years. We are opposite and similar in several ways, but I do believe we care about each other in some regard even though we may not love each other the same way we did when we gotten close at one time. And I don’t ever like to say for certain how something will be because we never know how things will play out. Like I said, we weren't always for forthcoming with each other and I think if we had been a little more transparent then our communication would be different today. Although, with my ex, I am very certain we will not be close or become good friends and the only reason I say that is because he has blown away so many chances to do right by our children, that I cannot fathom putting the distance away between us. There’s just some things I will never accept.

Now matter how much you may love someone or think you love someone, I think Mark Manson is on to something and it’s not just him, if you do a web search of this title “Love Isn’t Enough” you will find many articles about this topic. I guess people have come to realize emotions fade in and out, but it’s what we continue to do or show people is what keeps a relationship going and hopefully moving forward in a positive way.

Full Article by Mark Manson HERE.

I’m Not Your Type

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A few posts ago I was talking about a guy in my life and I mentioned that I don’t believe I’m his type. I still sort of think this is true, but this topic isn't about me not being his type, it’s more about understanding your type.

I May Not Be Your Type

But I’m the type you don’t ever forget about.

I’m a thinker. I’m very analytical, task oriented, and process driven. I observe many things, so yes it’s safe to say I have an opinion about almost everything; I may or may not voice it but it's definitely on my mind. So if a man does not like to be asked questions or even challenged to consider other perspectives, he’s not going to like me.

Also, I am NOT free spirited. Let me repeat that, I AM NOT FREE SPIRITED. I may have been that when I was a teenager without any substantial responsibilities other than my left and right foot, but since having children, leaving their father, reconstructing my goals, maneuvering through my career, staying conscious of my finances, and surrounding myself with progressive people, I have a lot to account for.

Don't misinterpret that into thinking I don’t go out and enjoy myself, of course I do, but for the most part I consider how my decisions may affect other aspects of my life. And yes, I’ve taken risks and had some risky behavior but nothing that could have potentially damaged my family, my future, or what I wanted for myself. That term “free-spirited” is almost becoming nails on a chalk board to me. I more use it to describe children who are carefree because they don’t think about the after effects, they just do as they please, like my own children. For those of you who use it for reference the type of people you like, that's fine, but I would not describe my type of person as being free spirited, I want him to be conscientious…I want a grown man. Not a man who looks grown but has a lot of young tendencies. And this is not to be confused with having good energy.

I don't mind being out at a party, club or lounge, but that's not something I want to do all the time for fun. And I don’t surround myself with those who always want to do just that because you are a good as the company you keep. I do have people who I consider my “party friends” and if I'm going out and making a night of it, I’ll reach out to them. But as far as people who know me, know my character, my personality, my moods, where I’m at in life, those are my core connections. So if all a man wants to do is show out for people or try to keep up with the younger crowds, I'm not his type. — Sweetheart, go do you and chase those skirts. I’ll be home watching a movie. Don’t call me.

I’ve cultivate a set of preferences and priorities based on what I’ve learned, experienced, and enjoy. I'm not still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. No I'm not sure of everything, but I am certain that I want to keep myself pampered, entertained, independent, grateful, appreciative, and humbled.

I also want to keep my mind full of substance that continues to improve my way of thinking and my way of life. A man who is stagnant, says “this is just how I am”, keeps making the same mistakes, not willing to be enlighten, and is not inclined to step out of his comfort zone, isn't my type.

Having a comfort zone is great, but never wanting to leave it doesn't expose you to any new possibilities. You can still keep parts of your comfort zone, just be open enough to expand it. And if this makes you think I’m being invasive and wanting you to change, I’m not your type. If I’m wanting you to step out of your box, it's because I want you to have a new experience, a new vision, a new feeling, a new perspective. If you don’t want it, that’s fine — I don’t want you.

There are people who think things in theory, but in practice it’s different. For instance, in theory they believe they are open minded, but in practice they want to stick to their original thoughts. In theory they think they're not young minded, but in practice they like being part of a younger crowd and connecting to their level. In other words, practice what you preach. I can't stand when a man who contradicts himself or when I mirror his same behavior, but takes offense to it even though he downplayed my feeling when he did the same (yes this has happened so many times in my experiences with men). — Like, you can allow a girl to be all over you, but when a man is showing me that same attention, you want make it seem like it’s poor character on my part. So why wasn’t it poor character on your part? Although, in reality, if sleeping with someone, I’m not going to allow any other man in my face and I’d definitely not do that in front of him. So if you're the kind of man who encourages a woman to entertain other men so you can justify entertaining other women, I’m not your type. I don't know how open relationships work, but even if I were in one, I still wouldn't want my man to talk about his time with other women or tell me to go meet other men.

Overall, we all have a type and it’s the nuances in our personalities that make the difference of what we can and cannot work with someone else's personality. You want someone who balances you and there's a good chance that they won’t be exactly like you, that’s the beauty of it. I don’t want to be with someone just like me, I do want us to have common interests, but I also want us to have our own interests that we still support. I’m not the type to push you to change, I’m the type to show you that change can be good.

*Unless you want me to give you a son to carry on your name, don’t do this. 😼

When You Love Someone

“When you love someone you just don't treat them bad.” - Donell Jones (Where I Want To Be, 1999)

There’s been a lot on my mind the last few days, people, situations, circumstances, everything. But you know what I still take time to reach out to people because I either love them or have love for them. And I am noticing more and more people don’t do the same. It’s a bit disappointing, but it still doesn’t deter me from still caring and asking how people are. Especially during this time of year where studies show how people are more prone to stress, anxiety, and depression for various reasons.

I read somewhere that over 50% of people have no internal dialogue…like no personal or original thoughts. If this is true, some people I know are starting to make a lot more sense to me…just completely dense.

Even in my writing I mention or reference people and sometimes I talk about hurtful experiences with some of them, but I really have not ill feelings towards anyone in my life. We are all very different and we interact with people differently. Even the last man I was sleeping with, I do not have any issues with him, we are harmony…well, the best harmony we can give each other. And even the 20 something year old who I mentioned is very sweet on me I have nothing bad to say about him. He has severely irritated me recently. He’s just young and really doesn’t grasp the concept of what I occurs in my life. He keeps sending me text messages saying “Hey” — That’s it. That’s all he says.

The first few times, I entertained it and responded in kindness because I figured he did not have much to say want just wanted to say Hi. But then he kept sending that one word message and I’m just like….See this is why I can’t be with anyone young. There is no substantial dialogue and when there is some sort of conversation it is very dense and superficial. I don’t really follow today’s music, I stopped watching those stereotypical reality shows and dramas years ago, I don’t like discussing other people or getting into their personal business, so I can talk to you about the simple things, but it can only go so far. Either way, I don’t have anything bad to say about that young man, he’s sweet, and I said before he is farther in life that most of his peers, he’s not in a dead-end job, he has his own place, he doesn’t waste money, and he’s on a good path. I’m just can’t mentally keep taking a few steps back just to carry a conversation.

Someone asked me if I am noticed my conversations with people are not as stimulating as they used to be because I am in a doctorate’s program. I have noticed that mood becomes a bit stale when someone isn’t saying anything intrinsic, but it’s been like that for a while now.

Anyway, let’s get off of that, this topic is about love.

I know we all define love differently and sometimes we do hurt the ones we care about, but is there a limit? Like is there a moral compass on what lines we should not cross? I think so. Say if you are involved with someone and you tell them you love them, is it odd that they don’t share to others that they deeply care about you? Like how can you love me, but you downplay your feelings about me to other people? I completely understand not letting people into your business, but if you have strong feelings for someone, shouldn’t that at least be known?

Love does make us do unexpected things. It’s an odd emotion. Love makes me drop everything and take a flight to comfort a friend. Love makes me defend people even when they don’t deserve my support for them. Love sometimes keeps me quiet in order not to cause a conflict. Love also sometimes has me accepting that people will never understand who I am when I am willing to understand them. Love is happiness and love is pain.

This is one of my Godsons. His mother and I have been friends since grade school.

When the love is good and genuine, you never what to let it go, but everything doesn’t last forever. You just have to enjoy while you have it. Remember when I said I got put my shoes back on after getting comfy in the house just go catch up with a friend I rarely see? That is the type of genuine love I have for several people in my life…getting uncomfortable to go towards comfort. — I hope that makes sense.

But when love is pain, it can tear us down and eat away at us. I told someone that “Pain never really goes away, we just learn to manage it better.” And that goes for any type of hurt we experience because pain is pain and none of us is immune to it and there is not a way to categorize what type of pain is worse. You cannot tell someone what they feel isn’t as bad how someone else may feel. Again Pain is Pain, just like a sin is a sin, whether it is lying or stealing, it is still a sin, correct?

The hope is that we get through any pain and become stronger and still be able to show and give love to people. And I want to believe that people do not intentionally seek to hurt anyone that’s why I tend to give people more grace than they may deserve, but sometimes people make decision to just appease themselves and you’re just in the crossfire.

I want to keep being happy

I am not in love, but I have love and give love and I think that is the best thing we can do for others and ourselves.

SIDEBAR: If you guys partake in watching adult entertainment, then you know who Mia Khalifa is. I did not bother to watch this show/podcast, the headline just caught my eye because it’s been a hot topic here and everyone has their own views on it. If any of you watched it, let me know what the conversation was about, is a man really lacking something if he is dating someone who is 10 or 20 years younger than him? (I know the last man I was involved with was over 10 years, not over 15, but at least 10 years older. Our communication wasn’t awkward because I had already experienced a few major milestones in life and our paths were parallel to one another, so we were able to discuss things that were relative to each other). But is a man lacking something mentally, emotionally, or something that he see it better to impress a younger woman than a woman his age?

Are You Who You Believe?

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I’m an “excitable” personality, meaning I can be abrupt and abrasive when I want to get my point across or when I just want to vent and say something out loud. Right now, I’m making strides to be better with my communication tactics and to get better at keeping in contact with people and responding to them in a timely and speak good things to them. I can go through distant phases and although people who have known me for a long time know that I mean no harm by it, but is it good practice? Probably not. It's really just bad manners. 👎🏽

You have to think that some people may not NEED you to respond, but instead just appreciate a response. Even if you're busy, you can take a moment and say, “Hey, I’m in the middle of something right now, I’ll call you later.” Or “Hey, I got caught up on a project today, sorry I didn't respond sooner.” Or “Hey, I’m not myself right now, I'll call you in a few days.” — You don't have to share all the details on what's keeping you tied up, just at least let people know you did get their message and you’ll respond when you can. I can't stand the read receipt features, it’s like you're micromanaging your text messages and can cause you to be upset if someone read your message, but didn't respond. I know iPhone has that feature kind of like back when people used Blackberry messenger. 😒 (Yeah, I’m revealing my age a little here.)

Do you know people who you feel you can't give your honest opinion about them because they take it as you're picking at them, or grilling them, or not accepting them for who they are? When really you just see something that isn’t making them as great as they should be. I feel like men are more like this, when you try to share something honest with them and they get defensive and make it seem like you're the one with the issue. — Nah Fam, you’re out here looking like a clown and I’m just trying to tell you about it. — A good friend should be able to tell you when something isn't a good look for you. But hey, if you want to be out here spinning your wheels and stuck going through the same motions, knock yourself out. 👍🏽It's like stop trying to tell a story that your actions don't prove.

You should have people in your life who challenges your bad habits and encourages your good ones. I believe everyone has room to improve upon themselves otherwise you are content and stagnant. And it's not just personal improvements, it’s also financial improvement, relationship improvements, improving your surroundings and the people around you. If I'm the best person among my group of friends then I won’t be motivated to change anything because everyone around me already thinks so I'm perfect so why change? But you also have to think, if these same people are not motivated by you to improve themselves and they stay stagnant, then you're not really doing them any justice either. You're just passing the time with them. — Which sometimes we need people like that in our lives, but we don’t get too close to them.

Some of you have even asked me how to get started with your own website and how to earn money from it. I gave you some pointers, but I also told you it’s going to take time and effort before you start seeing revenue and rewards. Just like with my career, it took a few years before I started earning money that took me into a different tax bracket. But it also took me deciding what type of life I wanted. When I was 19/20 I worked in retail. A store at the mall and I knew this wasn't something I wanted to do long term. Same thing when I was 15/16 and working as a hostess at a restaurant, not for me. So I had to get focused and plan out the money I wanted to make, the skills I needed, and the education I had to earn. And today, things are great, but it can always be better.

No, you are not your career and you are not your money, but those things can improve your life further more improving how you view life. I’m about to have a child in college, she may or may not work while in school because I told her I’d cover all her expenses the first 2 years (and I'm not sure what scholarships and grants she might get, so hopefully my bill won't be too high) and she'll probably have the traditional college life, studying, partying, staying out late, etc. But if my baby is doing better than you or has more ambition than you or you're living similar to a college student minus the studies then how am I going to consider you? Are you where you want to be and are you who you want to be? It’s a bit weird when there is such an age gap between two people, but they seem to have the same mentality. 🤔

I like having fun people around me, but I also like having motivated people around me who are on the same wavelengths in life, who not only make me feel great about who I am, but also inspire me. People who want to keep climbing, I’m not retiring yet and I want to keep my lifestyle a certain way, so I’m still hungry. 😋

And with many people they don’t always remember everything you've done, just the last thing you've done. I learned this in business. I also learned that most men are like this with women, how you made them feel last is what they think first. It doesn't matter if you’ve always been there for them, but if you upset them recently they hold it against you and forget everything else and not think about what you're possibly dealing with 😔. One of my guy friends told me once that someone we both know bullshits a lot, meaning he doesn't always let people know what’s really going on in order to save face or keep a certain image. So he’s not always who he believes he is. I’ve said before that men are stupid right? 😒

We have to remember that we are not the only ones in our lives, don’t mistreat the people who only wanted to love you. And apologizing is not a weakness, it's actually an amazing character trait that shows your willingness to grow and have empathy. ❤️Goodness, if only some people knew all I did in the background to make sure they were okay…but I rather keep that to myself. 🤐

If you say you're a good friend, are you a good friend or are you selective with your friends? Do you notice when you're friends are there for you even if they just stay quiet in the background? What about you as a partner? Are you supportive and listen to your partner? Do you notice when you partner is down? Do you try to make their bad days good? How about family? Are you really who you believe yourself to be? Or can you do better?

“I’m Not Like Other Guys”

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I want to add an addition to “Men Have The Audacity” post. When I said I never had to approach a man, I feel that it is not my place to do. And this is my personal thought: If a man rather have a woman approach him, I predict he has a bit of sassiness in him or some type of feminine quality, not gay, but more so one of those men who misunderstands the elements of chivalry and being a gentleman.

Also, anytime I mention for a man to “do that on your own time” what I mean is I am not closed minded to think men don’t have flirtatious ways with women, just don’t do it when I am around. And I have hung out with enough of my guys friends to know that they do things that their girlfriends or wives would not like to see or hear about. Whatever a man does, the ones who set the bar high are the men who still protect their home and romantic relationships no matter what they do when they are out with friends or by themselves. A man in a relationship has to set the tone with other women so they know where their place is with him, because again, he still should protect the woman who is in a relationship with. Most men do know how to do this, but still think they are “not like other men”….

I told some people recently that the further you get in life the more “Your Type” become less YOUR TYPE. I look back on all the men I found interesting and I think to myself, “Yeah, I was a different person then.” And ALL of them without fail have said this line to me: I’m not like other guys. — I don’t know if this is just something they tell themselves or the fact they are completely unaware that their behaviors in social arenas with women are not too far different from the next.

Sleep Shirt: Ralph Lauren

Sidebar: Ladies, when you go to public places and make small talk with people, do they automatically assume you’re married??? I don’t know what it is, but more times than a little people make comments referring to a “husband” that I don’t have. For example, I went to HomeGoods to pick up a few things and at the checkout the woman said, “Are you and your husband redecorating?” Is there something that I am giving off that makes me a MARRIED WOMAN? And there is one particular guy friend I have where strangers think we are married. I don’t understand why they think that when we are not doing to saying anything to each other that eludes we’re married. So ladies, if this happens to you all the time, send me a message and tell me about your experiences or why you think this occurs.

What makes a man different from another man is the consistency in his words, actions, and affections for you. THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE FELLAS. And if you fck up, admit that you fckd up and learn to better yourself. Women love that; when a man acknowledges that he didn't make the best decisions and puts forth effort to be more conscious of you.

I loathe hearing a man say, “I’m not like other guys.” Especially when they prove themselves to be just the same. Think of it this way: You can always take different routes to reach the same destination.

You don't say you're different, you just be different.

My Phone Code

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One of my guilty pleasure is that I like to scroll through my social media accounts for mindless entertainment. Much of it is silly pet videos but others things that make my laugh are the women posting advice, tips, and horror stories about dating and men.

Ladies, if you have not picked up on this yet….MEN ARE STUPID. Not stupid in the sense they cannot do math or tie their shoes, but stupid in the sense they don’t always know how to talk to us or handle us. It’s like when a man gets around a woman all his common sense escapes his body. Although to be fair, women are a mixed bag, but that does not excuse the foolish ways men act around women. Even seeing a half naked woman makes them a little brain dead.

Anyway, more about my guilty pleasure. There’s this trending argument about whether or not to look through a man’s phone. My personal thought is, DON’T DO IT. Unless you are law enforcement or an emergency responder trying to get the last contact number for a victim, you should not be looking through anyone’s phone but your own.

Some women argue, “Well, how do I know if he’s lying to me or not?” - B*TCH, YOU KNOW IF A MAN IS LYING TO YOU WITHOUT NEEDING TO GO THROUGH HIS PHONE. If you don’t want to trust your own instincts, then go ahead and keep making yourself crazy. But let's look at this at 2 different angles…

  • If he's not doing anything, you're going to damage the relationship by lacking trust and confidence in him. Plus, if he has a female friend like me, you're going to think my text messages have some ulterior motives because I can use very loving words towards my friends such as, “My dear”, “My love”, “All my love to you”, “Thank you for being a gentleman”, “Thank you for thinking of me”, etc. If a woman were to see that, she's going to think something is going on. But what she won't see is how I still keep my distance with my friends who are married and in relationships; I won't contact them after a certain hour, nor on the weekends unless we're hanging out on the weekend, and I don't behave suggestively when I'm around them other than giving a hug and being excited to see them, I don't throw myself on them. But I can be very affectionate towards my guy friends.

  • If he is doing something, what exactly do you plan to do with the information you found? Are you going to leave him? Are you going to stay and always be second guessing everything he says? We know the saying ignorance is bliss. If you are happy, he's making you happy, you give each other space and still spend quality time together, people know you're together, and he's taking care of you, why ruin your own happiness? *I'm not advocating you stay with someone who breaks your heart, tears you down, makes you feel unvalued, and constantly has you questioning his feelings for you. I'm saying there is always going to be gray clouds in a relationship no matter what the issue is, but if he's doing his best to keep those clouds from blocking your sunlight or he's holding an umbrella over you when the rain comes, then love him for that. (I’m using a lot of metaphors here, I hope you're catching the underlying messages.)

I think myself as being realistic meaning men are men. They look at women, they talk to women, they flirt with women. I see it, I experience it. ALL. THE. TIME. And to be fair to the men, they blindly do it not always realizing what they're doing, granted sometimes men can take it too far, but I'll still never go through a man's phone. Because guess what, when you go looking for something you're going to find it even if it's not what you believe it is, but the fact that you'll grasp onto anything that supports your suspicion, whatever you find even if it's innocent, you're going to turn it into a mess.

For anyone I end up with, I can only hope he is the type of man who won't let anything or anyone come to my doorstep, call my phone, or approach me in any type of way and hold something over me as if I'm the one that's losing. If he's heart is with me then his actions with show it. It will be an element of pride for him to secure our relationship to know he has someone great and whoever tries to interfere won't reach their goals. They may claim a few fun moments, but they won't be able to claim him. — Am I making any sense? Are you guys understanding me? Ladies, hopefully you're not passing too many judgements against me. All I'm saying is, if you're relationship is good, let it be good. Don't let those dark suspicions have you going through his phone.

Off Limits

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Remember last time I said, “I don’t like a controlling or jealous man, but I love a man who knows he wants me and won't let anyone else the opportunity.” When you're sleeping with someone shouldn't it be common rule that you are off limits to their friends? For instance none of his friends should be trying anything with you or flirting with you in any suggestive manner.

Even if there is a man I used to be involved with, but not anymore, I’m still not allowing any of his good friends have me. — Here is where my limits are…I don’t allow myself to sleep with a man who is 1 or 2 degrees of separation from the guy I used to sleep with. EXAMPLE: His bestfriends, people he knows well, or anyone in his immediate circle are 1st degree separation. If those people have friends who he also knows well enough and hangs out with from time to time, they are 2nd degree. So again 1st and 2nd degrees are 🚫 Off Limits. 3rd degree would be people he knows in passing, but even then it's a toss up.

I feel if his friends are getting too close for comfort there's a few reasons why...

  • He’s doesn't feel there is anything serious between you two; in which case he is likely telling other women the same thing 😒

  • He does not have plans to be serious with you, but stringing you along and bending the truth so you can still have sex 😔

  • He already has something serious with someone else and you are just the “fun time” for the meantime 😧

You should also be off limits to any past women or messy friends who want to put negative thoughts in your head about a man you’re sleeping with.

The main reason I put this on the men is because of my personal belief that men set the tone in a relationship (I know I’ve said this several times before.) You see, when men do not make it clear to their friends about you it’s because they don’t want it to be clear with you or anyone else. Don’t feed into the bs if he says something like, “I don’t want people in my business” — There is a way to let people know what’s going on without letting them know exactly what’s going on. 😕

Relax, it’s just legs with some cellulite and stretch marks, but I still put a censored banner across for those easily offended. 😒

There are some men who will never be clear with you. I know a guy who has a wife/ex-wife who still publicly claims their marriage/family is fully intact although, he claims differently. I don’t know what the truth is, not my situation, not my business, but apparently she believes in something he doesn’t and he believes in something she doesn’t so there will be some type of conflict with any woman that man gets involved with. My ex and I are very clear that we are not together, that is the one thing we strongly agree on so there is no confusion with our status.

At my age, there are an equal amount of people who are married, never married, divorced, and single so there can be a lot of confusion and baggage in my “dating pool”. And with social media and dating apps, there’s no telling who is telling the truth and who is hiding unnecessary secrets. I like a little mystery and I’m very understanding, but I don’t like when people take advantage of that and try to twist their truth to keep me interested. I have a good friend who I know I’ve mentioned a few times, he’s very fun to be around, I’ve known a good amount of years, he’s a safe person to hang out with, and I’ve seen him in his tom foolery elements, but one time I told him I don’t need to know everything about him and that I require a level of mystery between us. He laughed, but he understood exactly what I was saying. — I’m also not and never have slept with him so things that I may want to know about a man I’m intimate with isn’t going to be the same things I want to know about my platonic friends…are you guys following what I’m trying to say? — I don’t need to know everything, but don’t keep everything from me.

Dear Future Beau, put it on cruise control. (P.S. - I tell my friends if they invite me somewhere and I can’t show titties, thighs, or both, then I ain't coming out. 😁)

I’m also at an age where the mind games are ridiculous. It’s really simple, you either like me or you don’t. If you like me, tell me, if I like you the same let’s go from there and communicate further. If you like me, but have someone else who believes she’s with you, then handle that first because I don’t need a woman upset with me because she feels I damaged her relationship. — That nonsense should also be off limits to me and I don’t want any parts of that situation. In the same sense, if I’m the woman you are with then I don’t need any random woman approaching me about what you did when I wasn’t around…handle that too because I should not have to deal with any outside noise inside our relationship. If I ask you about something, that’s letting you know it got to me and you need to tie up those lose ends. -- This is why I’m going to keep myself to myself; men are out here being reckless. Plus, COVID is still alive and well along with Monkey Pox now, I don't want anyone's cooties. 😷 (The last time I ended up in the hospital I…nvm. Just keep any illnesses away from me, please.)

If you don’t know how to manage any type of intimate relationship then you don’t know how to manage your life because people are moving parts of your life that either make it fulfilled or complicated. But you get to chose how complicated you want your life to be. Am I wrong? 🤔

Single Does Not Equal Lonely

To all the ladies who email me to ask what is so amazing about being single or wonder if I ever feel alone or don’t understand my need for solitude, this post is for you….

Let me start with saying my solitude is my safe space where I relax and reflect on my decisions, my future, and just go through my thoughts. My solitude cannot have distractions. I do various things on my own that is considered being in the confines of solitude: catch up on shows or watch movies, spend time with my kids, read, head to a coffee shop to work, go to a happy hour, or just fully rest and pamper myself. Solitude does not mean there are no people around you, it just means you take the time for yourself and do things you enjoy. The distraction would be if I adjust my enjoyment for someone else’s enjoyment.

Secondly, I do not ever feel alone or lonely. I have my groups of friends and each of them fit my life differently. The other night I decided to catch up with a very dear friend and we watched the finals (GS vs Boston), it was a great time, we caught up on new things going on in our lives, we laughed, we joked, and I was home before midnight. Then I have my childhood friends who I chat with every so often and we just share our currents thoughts throughout our day. And I have a few friends I sometimes run into when I’m out doing random things and we may sit and be in each other’s company for a while. Then of course I have my kids. So you see, I am never alone or even feel alone. — That’s a mindset.

The thing most of you may be jammed up on is the intimacy and companionship of being romantically or casually involved with someone. I don’t really require that, but what I do require is protection…protection of knowing I am loyal, but I also need my “me time” and with that, it does not mean I am giving what I share with you to anyone else, and not to hold it against me or be upset or speak down about me because I want a few days alone or to do other things…that for me is the intimacy I want. I’ve not had my fair share of relationships, I can count one 1 hand the number of people I’ve been serious about. I never felt that a relationship defines who I am or who I can be. Although, I do empathize with many of you women and I do like some elements of companionship. Remembering little details about me, what I like and make an attempt to see me smile. Yes, check in on me frequently and if I am involved with you in any way, I won’t ignore your call/message. I have no issue with saying I’m just relaxing for a few days or I’ll say that I have plans to go catch up with friends or if I’ll be out of town, or whatever I have in line that may keep me for spending time with you. Don’t get upset or use it against me to become distant. I am also not the kind of woman to be with any and every man, so I will never be involved with more than one person at a time and if a man thinks that of me, especially if I’m not behaving in that way or displaying poor values, then that is a sector of his doubts and insecurities, not mine. I like giving reassurance because I appreciate that too, calling me crazy or being dismissive of me when I ask about something/someone is a red flag I cannot ignore (and it may awake certain demons that don’t need to be up and who aren't pleasant to have around.) Have your fun and have your solitude too, but don’t minimize and discount what we share.

I am not against relationships, I love seeing people happy with someone and going through life together. And the parameters of a relationship is different for everyone. The only thing I like about my solitude and privacy is that no one really knows all the details of my life, they see what they see and may assume certain things, but if I am involved with someone, the one thing I won’t do is discuss the specifics of what we do or say with any outsiders. And I also won’t say anything foul against you if I am upset. — I surely won’t rally people not to speak to you or befriend you because I believe in people deciding for themselves how to communicate with others. I am here and stand by you until we decide different…that’s part of my loyalty along with many other values. Like I said in my last post:

What comes fast also goes fast. If it’s simple, you won’t be challenged. And nothing that is worth it is easy.

I don’t want fast, I don’t want simple. I don’t want easy. I also don’t want someone who is accessible to any and every woman. I am willing to go through the motions, but someone has to be just as willing too. — And any form of relationship with me isn’t going to be normal or what you may expect.

Marriage

A reader asked if I would consider marriage again and the topic has come up a few times amongst my friends. The simple answer is, No. But, it's not because there aren't any men worth marrying, there's plenty. For me it’s more of the idea that I have already accomplished so much in my life that I would have to slow down my ambitions in some way to accommodate a partner, not that I cannot have a supportive partner, but rather will there be a imbalance of power in the relationship.

I’m pretty headstrong and once my mind is set on something I see it the whole way through. I have my life arranged in a way that fits my wants and needs, so anyone who I am serious about would need to have the same mindset, not the mentality of going out frequently and wanting attention. Don’t get me wrong, I give myself time to enjoy the nightlife — I need that break every now and then — but I don’t have the tolerance to do it all the time and I don’t need him thinking that I’m lacking something because I rather be home or that he needs to find someone who wants to roam the streets with him, if that is the case, go right ahead sir, knock yourself out. — I'm for the sheets, not the streets (😄 I saw that written somewhere.) There's plenty of females who like to drink, smoke, and party every week, I’m not one of them.

When I am not working or studying, I am usually partaking in a happy hour and getting in the house before dark. When I am home, I clean, lounge, and relax (if I am not responding to emails or calls.) My life is tailor fitted, if I were to include a man there would need to be necessary conversations about how to tailor fit each other. Ya understand? For instance, living arrangements: We can purchase a new shared space like a family home or vacation property, but I don’t want him moving into a space I’ve already setup for myself and to be fair, I am not too keen on moving into a space he’s already setup for himself too. — We can still keep our individual properties.

With that being said, a man would have to be emotionally mature, well accomplished, and be very confident not only with himself but also with me to understand that any distance I show or disagreement we have does not equate to me not thinking about him or being disloyal to him.

One of my closest guy friends says: “You want someone whose life aligns closely with your own as far as achievement and ambitions, because if they are at the beginning of figuring out themselves, their careers, their finances, or even their surroundings, then they are going to look at you and see all that you’ve done and they are going to look to you to provide that same life to them.

Say life is a race and each mile of that race is an accomplishment, a degree, career, house, etc. and there’s three types of people: The ones who help you prepare, the ones who cheered you on while you were running, and the ones at the at the end of the finish line. One person can be 2 of these types or all 3 of these types, but you have to be careful of the person who only shows up at the end; are they trying to help you become better or are they trying to reap your benefits? — We see this scenario a lot with men who become wealthy or well accomplished and get their eyes caught up on the young lady who’s scantly dressed and always ready for a party.

“Oh you have nice things, I want nice things, you can give me nice things too.”

So, do you see my hesitation on the marriage topic? I don’t mind taking on a long-term lover, but even then there needs to be some understanding and set boundaries so that both of us feel appreciated, thought of, and protected.