A Reader's Rant: Age Gaps

June 23, 2023

“When life tries to test you, stay busy.”

Before you start reading or listening to the audio, here is conversation between a friend and myself. My messages are in blue.

The more I'm staying focused on myself, the more I stand firm on the notion that I DO NOT have to accept anything that upsets me or isn't keeping me in good spirits. And also I shouldn't have to keep telling people what I don’t have the patience for. I have enough people in my life who’ve known me for a long time and who take me into consideration and pay attention to what I do and say, so I don’t really need to make any new friends who aren't of the same hallmarks.

I also think it's very sassy and childish to block someone, because I have the discipline not to respond or answer, so I don't do things like that, but I am going to distance myself from this person. I gave as much grace as this person deserved, but I do not need to give anymore, nor do I feel obligated to do so. Like I said, this person has not been in my life a long time, and does not have a big impact on my life, and is not adding any substantial happiness, so it's really a simple decision, wouldn’t you agree?

I want value added and that’s all that matters at this point.

This site has really become more than I expected. In 2008, I never thought this my words would gain so much interest and momentum across the world. I am so grateful to all of you. It does take me some time to read through all of your messages, but I do read them. There is a reader in particular who asked if I can share her “rant” about men who prey on younger girls (I think she means legal age, and is more referring to inappropriate age gaps). When I first read the message, I thought it was one of my friends who is very adamant about this topic, like so adamant that she has the worst opinions on men who are like this, but I checked and it was not from my friend. I am not going to record me reading the rant, I’ll just leave it for you to read and interpret in your own way. I have become more on the fence with this topic ONLY because there are younger men who are interested in me, BUT I have a limit to how far they can take their interest and I don’t give them any false hope with me.

I feel like if we are going to be hard on men who fool around with younger women, then we should be just as hard on women who do the same with younger men. Although, I think the main difference between the two is that older women go into it anticipating on the situation to be temporary and just for fun, while older men go into those situation anticipating an ongoing relationship. Don’t hold me to this because I really don’t know and I don’t really have substantial experience in this area. I know when I was younger I did get involved with a man who was much older and in hindsight, I think for me it was this great big deal that I was seeing an older guy and he was so gorgeous, all the girls wanted him, but for him I was just a pretty face and someone to kick it with when he was available because he wasn’t thinking anything long-term with me. I was young and dumb and got my hopes up with someone I shouldn’t have. But, hey I guess that was just an experience I had to go through to teach me something. Such is life. And I think for the younger men and women, it’s more for image, status, and possibly stability to be with someone older. When I hear some of the young girls talk, they seem to always mention what an older man has or what he can do. They say things like, He has money. He has a good job. He drives a nice car. He has his own house. Or they’ll try to feel him out and ask him what he does for a living and all those things garners their interest towards him. I’m not saying this is always the case, but you have to think, what is the young person gaining from this situation?

Anyway, go ahead and read through what the woman set me and you are welcome to send in your thoughts about this. I will say that I do agree with a lot of what she was saying, but take a few moments to read it and we’ll recap at the bottom.

Hey Raya! Love your posts! Can you share this in a future post? I understand if you don’t but I want to share my thoughts on these old ass men who are out here f*cking around with these young girls. They need to be ashamed! Got these little girls thinking they going to be their girlfriends and wives knowing damn well these men will get laughed at and looked at crazy if they bring her around they friends and family. What do these men be thinking?!!! You don't have anything in common with these little girls except sex! You gonna tell me a 28 year girl thinks the same way as a 48 year old man???? NO! And if she does, then it’s something wrong with the man. Is you serious my n1gah? Got these girls gassing you because you can’t be the man a grown woman wants. Yall want to train these little girls. And then you end up being the old man at the club with a bunch of 20 year olds talking about what they talk about and doing what they doing and paying for everything. It’s disgusting and you letting them think they got you because you out here trying to defend your predatory habits. You n1gahs like them girls gone wild type shit that be shaking they @sses on every other n1gah, smoking and letting random n!gahs prour drinks down their throats and you think that type of girl is the one for you. These little girls got daddy issues and want to be seen and your dumb@sses don’t see through it. Yall are despicable! Stop going to their playgrounds and start being grown!

👀 Whew! That was a lot, right? So I did not change any of the language in the message, I did adjust some of the spelling of the offensive words because I don’t want to get flagged 😂. So what do you think about this?

Fellas, I’m going to try to defend you on to some limit. Say you are just hanging out and a young lady starts to converse with you and you two are just enjoying your time out, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I think if you make it a habit, then it may be a little questionable. Like now that same girl is coming around you more or you’re inviting her out or developing a rapport with her that leads her to believe she has an in with you. That’s when things may look a little fcked up from people who know you better and think more of you. Like for instance, if I were to start dating a younger man and bringing him around and telling people we are in a serious relationship, my friends would look at me crazy and pull me to the side and let me know in one way or another that’s not a good look for me (well, some of my friends would say this right in front of him) 😏. Even if I don’t say that I’m in a serious relationship with a young man, but I am bringing him around more, my friends are cool with me having fun, but being serious about someone who isn’t on my level is a red flag to them. And that’s because they know me and they don’t want me being stupid.

Thank you to the reader who shared her thoughts, I hope the rest of you do not take this post as a negative because I want you to weed through the undertones and find the positive message. But if you could not find anything positive, let me lead you…

Who doesn’t like a good bathroom selfie???

So here is my overall thought on this. If you are at a certain age and every now and then want to have fun like you did when you were younger, do it, but don’t blur the lines between the younger crowd and the crowd that is more your caliber, people who speak your same language, who have hit the same milestones you have, and who can better understand your ways or your personality because they have maneuvered through the same life’s hurdles and responsibilities. There’s times I have fun with the younger people but that’s as far as I take it, just a good time.

My mentees are in their 20’s and the stuff they talk to me about I can speak on because I’ve been there and done that. And even though my mentees are working on their degrees, have degrees, and are career focused, they still like to go out and party, sometimes I go with them, but most times I just do things that more equate to my lifestyle.

So ladies and gentleman whom are 35 years old and up, do what makes you happy, but be cognizant with the people or the crowds you keep in contact with, more importantly the younger crowds. Make sure those people are not minimizing your way of thinking or causing you to retract back to thinking like a 20 year old again or adopting their ways. You are beyond that 💖. And I’m sure you have countless stories to share. I know I do! Continue to embrace the knowledge you hold, it took time to gain all that. Your wisdom is a part of your greatness 💞. It’s your power don’t let some 20 year old take that from you because they are still developing their knowledge and power. ✨

Be careful out there.

I’m Not Your Type

December 7, 2022

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

A few posts ago I was talking about a guy in my life and I mentioned that I don’t believe I’m his type. I still sort of think this is true, but this topic isn't about me not being his type, it’s more about understanding your type.

I May Not Be Your Type

But I’m the type you don’t ever forget about.

I’m a thinker. I’m very analytical, task oriented, and process driven. I observe many things, so yes it’s safe to say I have an opinion about almost everything; I may or may not voice it but it's definitely on my mind. So if a man does not like to be asked questions or even challenged to consider other perspectives, he’s not going to like me.

Also, I am NOT free spirited. Let me repeat that, I AM NOT FREE SPIRITED. I may have been that when I was a teenager without any substantial responsibilities other than my left and right foot, but since having children, leaving their father, reconstructing my goals, maneuvering through my career, staying conscious of my finances, and surrounding myself with progressive people, I have a lot to account for.

Don't misinterpret that into thinking I don’t go out and enjoy myself, of course I do, but for the most part I consider how my decisions may affect other aspects of my life. And yes, I’ve taken risks and had some risky behavior but nothing that could have potentially damaged my family, my future, or what I wanted for myself. That term “free-spirited” is almost becoming nails on a chalk board to me. I more use it to describe children who are carefree because they don’t think about the after effects, they just do as they please, like my own children. For those of you who use it for reference the type of people you like, that's fine, but I would not describe my type of person as being free spirited, I want him to be conscientious…I want a grown man. Not a man who looks grown but has a lot of young tendencies. And this is not to be confused with having good energy.

I don't mind being out at a party, club or lounge, but that's not something I want to do all the time for fun. And I don’t surround myself with those who always want to do just that because you are a good as the company you keep. I do have people who I consider my “party friends” and if I'm going out and making a night of it, I’ll reach out to them. But as far as people who know me, know my character, my personality, my moods, where I’m at in life, those are my core connections. So if all a man wants to do is show out for people or try to keep up with the younger crowds, I'm not his type. — Sweetheart, go do you and chase those skirts. I’ll be home watching a movie. Don’t call me.

I’ve cultivate a set of preferences and priorities based on what I’ve learned, experienced, and enjoy. I'm not still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. No I'm not sure of everything, but I am certain that I want to keep myself pampered, entertained, independent, grateful, appreciative, and humbled.

I also want to keep my mind full of substance that continues to improve my way of thinking and my way of life. A man who is stagnant, says “this is just how I am”, keeps making the same mistakes, not willing to be enlighten, and is not inclined to step out of his comfort zone, isn't my type.

Having a comfort zone is great, but never wanting to leave it doesn't expose you to any new possibilities. You can still keep parts of your comfort zone, just be open enough to expand it. And if this makes you think I’m being invasive and wanting you to change, I’m not your type. If I’m wanting you to step out of your box, it's because I want you to have a new experience, a new vision, a new feeling, a new perspective. If you don’t want it, that’s fine — I don’t want you.

There are people who think things in theory, but in practice it’s different. For instance, in theory they believe they are open minded, but in practice they want to stick to their original thoughts. In theory they think they're not young minded, but in practice they like being part of a younger crowd and connecting to their level. In other words, practice what you preach. I can't stand when a man who contradicts himself or when I mirror his same behavior, but takes offense to it even though he downplayed my feeling when he did the same (yes this has happened so many times in my experiences with men). — Like, you can allow a girl to be all over you, but when a man is showing me that same attention, you want make it seem like it’s poor character on my part. So why wasn’t it poor character on your part? Although, in reality, if sleeping with someone, I’m not going to allow any other man in my face and I’d definitely not do that in front of him. So if you're the kind of man who encourages a woman to entertain other men so you can justify entertaining other women, I’m not your type. I don't know how open relationships work, but even if I were in one, I still wouldn't want my man to talk about his time with other women or tell me to go meet other men.

Overall, we all have a type and it’s the nuances in our personalities that make the difference of what we can and cannot work with someone else's personality. You want someone who balances you and there's a good chance that they won’t be exactly like you, that’s the beauty of it. I don’t want to be with someone just like me, I do want us to have common interests, but I also want us to have our own interests that we still support. I’m not the type to push you to change, I’m the type to show you that change can be good.