No New Friends/Problems

“We're too adult for the love games, do what makes your heart beat an extra beat.

And when that extra beat stops beating, carry on.”

I caught up with a dear friend the other day who I haven't hung out with in about a year. We talked about a few serious topics, including some details about my personal life and details about his personal life. Through a few of my friends over the years, I learned a lot about how different relationships can work and that there's never really been anything traditional after you meet someone and start being involved with them. Even marriages have different ways of managing.

Just like in the last post, I talked about not wanting partnership, but companionship instead. Because with what I do and don't want to do, I'm only going to go but so far with a relationship no matter what we say to each other.

Think of it like this, say I'm married but my marriage isn't a traditional one and my husband and I don't live together and we're still married for undisclosed reasons. But I do meet people. If I get involved with someone, there's only but so much I can invest into that person because on paper I'm still legally tied to someone else. So even though I may love this man who isn't my husband and he may love me, there’s nothing I can offer him other than companionship UNLESS I decide to go through a divorce which can be a long and expensive process.

See sometimes people don't know all the elements of divorce proceedings especially when there’s many years and assets involved or you're making more money now then when you first got married so you have to go through all your finances and you may have to give up a big portion of your portfolio to end your divorce. It can be a stressful ordeal.

So no I'm not married, but there's a part of me that doesn't desire a partnership type of relationship, no matter how much I may love you, and there's a lot of people who won't understand or accept that. I don't want attention all the time, sometimes I want to come home and just sit, I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything, I just want to be in my space, by myself. I'm grown.

I want to have good conversations and spend time with someone, but I don't need it everyday. And I don’t want to be made to feel guilty for that. If I'm involved with you, I'm solid with you, I'll check on you, see how you're doing and see if you want to go do something, but I don't need you and that's the part that can hurt or bother people. If I have to let someone go because they are not leveling my happiness or my growth, "You need to go baby" 💔

So my friend asked me about my dating life and if I've met anyone I wanted something significant with and I said no. I told him I've met a few people, but no one vibed with me in a way that I wanted to be closer to them. And he said something to me a kind of made sense....

"How about don't connect with someone new. Because then you don’t have to go through the process of them getting to know your ways and you getting to know theirs."

I understand the notion on this because I think I've even mentioned on here a few times that there's nothing wrong with rekindling an old flame ❤️‍🔥. You may be "newer" because some things about yourself may have changed, but you're still familiar with someone you once were linked with. I don’t know if that's something I'll do, not like I've not done that before, but if I do rekindle anything with some, I'm going to be more clear with what's not comfortable for me and what types I problems I don't need to have.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

Relationships: A Wise Investment?

“Love is just a word we attach to a feeling that we don’t really understand until we look back on it.”

Someone told me, the best thing you can do is make solid relationships that benefit both people. This includes friendships too. You invest in people and cultivate a type of understanding and communication with one another that gets your through certain things in life. I pour into a lot of my friendships because the friends I’ve made are free-flowing and I have friends who I talk to about serious topics and I have friends who I talk to about lighthearted topics, they all bring value into my life one way or another.

The Older I Get

The more I understand what works for me and that it may not work for others, but I can’t rely on others to make things work for me. ✨️

The types of relationships I'm not pouring into is a partnership. A colleague mentioned that partnering with someone can be a good personal and financial investment, but I feel like that all depends on your partner. Say if your partner is bad with money or doesn't have a good paying job, then you carry the bulk of the financial responsibility which can also affect your communication with the person. But if you have a stable person who can carry the same weight and articulate adult responsibilities, then yes, that’s a good partnership. 👍🏽

I was talking to one of my good friends a few days ago…he is a damn fool, I have so much fun when I talk to him, well, I have a lot of fun when I talk to any of my friends. I just have good people in my life. Anyway, with this friend, we've both been married before, we have children and don’t want anymore, we make good money, and we can do whatever it is we want to do, so I was telling him I don’t need or want a partner, but I like having companionship and I would like to be involved with someone who understands the difference.

We don’t always have be around each other. If he wants to go grab a drink after work and not invite me out, I'm fine with that. Or if he is going out with his friends and doesn't ask me to come, I'm okay with that too. I’m not going to ask invasive questions, I may just ask what you did the other night, but don't treat me like I’m the opposition or like a stranger, communicate with me. And also, if we so happen to run into each other somewhere and you're out with friends or whoever, don’t act as if you don’t know me, especially if we’re sleeping together. I'm grown, I don’t play those silly games. You don’t need to be all up on me, but don’t treat me like some random person that you just know.

I like hanging out one on one with someone, but I don't always require it. We can hang out with a bunch of people or we can just talk on the phone or text. And I don’t always want to talk of superficial things, I want articulate and intrinsic conversations where we learn significant details about our values and backgrounds. There’s other forms of intimacy other than sex. And I want a companion who understands all of this.

I rather invest into this kind of relationship rather than a partner who wants to combine every aspect of our lives. I don’t want to live with anyone, but I do want to see you and spend time with you when we can. I like going out and doing things and sometimes I like to have intimate company. Someone who is interested in me and talks to me in ways that my friends don’t speak to me, I’m sure you guys know the difference.

But for now, when I want company, I just call one of my friends, and don’t get me wrong, I love catching up with them, but vibe is different with someone you're intimate with and that's the main reason why I like companionship because the synergy is different. Again, I don’t need a partner, I just want to share energy with someone who likes to embrace me and the moments we have together. I think that would be the wise investment, at least for me, I can't speak for all of you.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

I talk back

“If we cannot communicate effectively. We can’t communicate.”

I was having a conversation with someone the other day and we were talking about relationships, and I said somethings that I never said out loud before. Now most of you already know I only claim one relationship as the serious one and that was my marriage. But I have been involved with other men who I loved and some I didn't love. And the person I was having a conversation with ask me why none of those relationships ever became too serious and my response was this:

“After my divorce I worked so hard to get my life in order and back on track to where I now have good stability and I don’t want that to be ruined by anyone who will make my life unstable.”

I Worked Hard For This

My space (mentally and physically) is not a want, it’s a NEED. Be just as valuable as my space and my time.

There's a lot of allure to having fun with someone because when the fun is over, we just go back to our own lives, but then there's that companionship that you can miss out on and I think that's where it gets complicated for me, because I do enjoy that companionship, someone who knows me privately or knows things that others may not know.

Because I've worked hard to get my life to where it's at and I did it by myself, I have become comfortable with wanting and needing my space. So in a lot of the situations I had with men, something would happen where I have to decide between the companionship or my space. I want companionship as much as I want my space, but depending on what type of issue I’m having with someone, I'll choose me first, therefore wanting my space outweighs wanting that companionship.

And I really do hate arguing to no end where nothing is getting resolved. I like sharing my thoughts, but I don't like the feeling of not being heard and a man continuing to avoid me. I don't like when a man jumps over what I’m trying to say and only wants to defend what he said or did. And when that happens I feel inclined to keep going with my thoughts…because if you're not going to listen to me, what purpose does it bring to only listen to your opinions, is it about you? Or is it about us and how we can communicate effectively?

But here’s something I want you all to ponder on…Women who are very vocal about their opinions, are seen by men as someone who wants the center stage or dramatic, but is it that she just doesn't feel heard and understood that she feels she need to be more radical with her thoughts?

I jokingly used the phrase, “I talk back” which in meaning is the essence of I’m a strong minded individual and I've developed critical thinking skills that allow me to think beyond the surface. I never just read a news headline and take it for face value, there's always more to a story. That's why when people tell me things that are vague or ambiguous, I know there's something more they don’t want to share for whatever reason. Maybe they don’t want any feedback or opinions or maybe they're ashamed about something. When I share something I am opening it up to any questions and feedback that may come along. I may not necessarily be making it your business, I’m just sharing something with you and I’m allowing you to give your opinion on it. I’ll let you know if you're curiosity is going to far.

In any case, a woman talking back shouldn't be confused with a woman sharing her thoughts and feelings. Men are always quick to shut us down because society deems a woman being vocal as being nagging or emotional. Sometimes when I really frustrated or angry I begin to cry because there's so much on my mind and my heart that I can't get it all out at once, and most men don’t give patience to that. So women are just supposed to stay quiet and go along with whatever a man says?

Don’t Dismiss Her

When a woman is expressing herself, give her time to get it out.

Fellas, if you're not doing something right by a woman, there's good chance she feels it and will say something about it, don’t be dismissive of her feelings. Pay attention to the fact she notices you and notices when something is off about you. Don’t automatically become irritated because you don’t want to deal with her concerns, if she loves you, her concerns are about YOU and if you don’t have the same types of concerns for her, then you need to make some decisions and let her know what those decisions are. Otherwise, you're going to keep having the same arguments over and over again.

Look, I’m not giving any advice, I'm just thinking practically. This is why I don't like to get too involved with someone too quickly, because again, I’ll choose my space if a man isn't reassuring me that he's worth more than that. Especially if you start to act funny or play games with me, then I’m just going to fall back into my hole and depending on how long I've know you, there's a chance you may never hear from me again. In some scenarios, if I feel that you're not worth it, I'm not going to talk back.

Be safe out there.

One of you said, “Diddy is also still out there having babies.” - I completely forgot he just had a newborn! Listen, I can still very much have more children, but I choose not to. And I am NOT willing not compromise on that.

The Grown Attitude

“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child…”

Method Man did a recent interview stating he doesn't know why he keeps being labeled as a sex symbol when his not doing anything to earn that title. And I see his point of view on this. Clifford is what, in his early 50s now? And I think his is at a point in his life where he's done all the he planned to do, and now he's just enjoying the legacy he's made. Mind you, this man is married and has been married for over 2 decades. I think early in his life and career, he had a lot of fun. And there were always rumors here and there about some of the women he may have been in a situation with, but they were all rumors. During the this interview he used Smokey Robinson as an example of living in his highlight when it was appropriate, but when the clock starts winding down, trying to keep up with the highlight just doesn't make sense. I think that was such a mature thing to say and I think, however, Cliff living his right now, he is doing it on his own terms and no longer chasing Hollywood or entertainment high, and he's just enjoying life as Clifford with remenents of Method Man.

The most attractive thing about a man is growth and maturity. It doesn’t mean he still doesn't come with some bullshit. He just knows how to handle it better.

I think Jay-Z is the same way. We've heard rumors about him as well when he was starting to become known, and other rumors came about during his marriage. But one thing is for sure, he will do the most to protect the solitude of his family. Almost everything he does now seems to be business driven, even with the dynamics of his family and personal affairs. If there isn't a value or a means to an end, he's not interested.

Now Puff...ummm...Sean Combs ain't Shawn Carter, and definitely ain't Clifford Smith either. Mr. Combs is going to live how he wants to live, flashy, outspoken, opulent, all of the above. One of my childhood friends is like this and I need to be mindful of the time I spend around him because he can be a lot. Puff is going to have a rotation of young women, and he's living like he's in his 20s with his 50s fortune. Aye, go ahead, Puff, do what you want.

And I'm only using these 3 men as examples because we've seen where they started to where they are now.

David Beckham may be another good example, but we don't get a lot of news from across the water unless we're fishing for it. But I think he's shown a lot of maturity over the years, too.

Make The Good Choice

When that doesn't work out, make the other choice. 😁

Let me tell you something and I want all of you to start putting this in your daily mantra and it doesn't matter how old you are or where you're at in life, say this right here:

"I CAN NOT MISS OUT ON ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEANT FOR ME"

This includes relationships, friendships, work opportunities, investments, fun nights, whatever it is, you do not miss anything that isn’t meant for you.

But if those same relationships, friendships, work opportunities, investments, and fun nights present themselves again, you can take it.

Just because you did not say Yes the first time doesn't mean you can't say Yes the next time. Maybe you said no the first time because it didn't feel right at the moment, but time changes things, right? And what we felt then may not be what we feel now. Just like with the men I mentioned, how they behaved then is probably not what they'll decide to do now, exclude Puff from this thought.

You know that saying, "When I was a child, I acted as a child" it's a derivative of the bible verse. It applies to all of us. Just like with the one reader who said, “A connection can be made with anyone, but it can only last but so long and go only so far without any real value or tangible substance. And if you only rely on that connection, you avoid your own reality, thus avoiding your own bullshit.” The reader also used an example of pedophiles relying on connections. Her example was extreme, but I think she was just trying to make her point.

So again,

"I CAN NOT MISS OUT ON ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEANT FOR ME"

This can go so many different ways. There's things that are good for you and there's things that aren't, but you decide that. And here’s something else, the universe always knows what it's doing even when we don’t, and sometimes when certain things happen we call it coincidences or a sign. But the only thing we manage is what we feel and what we decide to do next.

Every decision is a great decision until it's not. And when it deems itself as not a great decision, then you have to figure out if you'll avoid making that decision again OR if you do make that same decision, what will you do differently next time? Because with growth we can walk down the same path, but this time we are more equipped with traveling it better.

Be safe everyone.

Interested In Him

“You can only be as happy as you make your mind up to be.”

Reader Question: “Don’t you ever think your guy friends want to be with you?”

I actually get asked this a lot especially when I mention my guy friends in my topics. So here's the run down. With the guys I grew up with and I'm still friends with, there has never been that awkward unspoken interest for one another, we always just been friends and nothing more. With some of the guy friends I made as an adult and I've become close to them, they've never shared with me they want anything more so when we hang out it’s just really simple. Now, in relation to that there is a select group of guys who I've become friends with through someone I was involved with and with them, they never have crossed a certain threshold with me. I’m not going to mention the guy's name, but with his friends who I’m now also friends with, in their minds I’m “that man’s Raya". Even though right now, I’m just “Raya” but how they met me and things that have occurred since then, to those guys, I’m still “so and so's Raya.” And I don't have a problem with that because I love having male friends who I can have fun with, feel safe around, and not worry about being taken advantage of. That is a great feeling to have and I value that. 😊 Don’t get me wrong, ALL of my guy friends do flirt with me in some way or will hang their arm around me, or kiss my cheek or my forehead, but it's all out of love and never uncomfortable.

The Misconception

Don’t confuse my comfort or friendliness towards someone with being interested in anything other than a good conversation.

Let's move on…

In one of the recent topics I let you know that I've never told a man I was interested in him and many of you had very strong opinions agreeing and disagreeing with what I said. The main reason I don't do it is because I don't want things to be awkward if the man doesn't feel the same way in return because then the dynamic of our communication changes and then it’s like, “We'll, damn. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all.” Especially, if it's a guy I like hanging out with.

I know men sometimes like women to be a little forward, but is it too much to ask for a heads up that you have some interest in me before I take that step? You don’t have to come out and say it, but in some way let me know that you are attracted to me intimately and open to seeing what more can happen, even if it’s just for fun, give me some clue. I’m not the one night stand type of woman, if you are my intimate partner, I want it to happen more than once. So, you can very much be my temporary lover or my fun partner, but just know, I’m not a one time girl.

This is why I say that I need to be comfortable with a man before getting in bed with him. I want to have the understanding that if we are going to be involved, even if it’s casual, that we still have consideration for one another and make adjustments that appease us both. I like a busy man, I don’t need a man who has too much time on his hands, because then he may want a lot of my time and what if I’m not available? He goes off any starts getting involved with someone else until I am available? I don’t need that mess.

I also like a man who understands the importance of self-care and solidarity. Because I know I have mentioned many times that it can seem like I’m being distant when I need to just be alone. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be involved anymore, it just want time to myself and I would like for a man who gets that. For me to be a better me, I need my me time. For me to be the sociable, charismatic, giving, and caring person that people know me to be, I need that alone time. And I want him to take time to himself too. Unless I tell you I want out or you tell me you want out, then my interest in you is still there.

There can also be times that we may be in the same room and just not have an active conversation, we can just lay on each other and watch tv, or he can be on his laptop and I’ll be on mine. If we just want to be in each other’s presence and not really do much, I’m okay with that. I guess what I am trying to say is that I do not always need that constant dialogue to keep my interest peaked.

Here’s the other side to this. If I am not interested in someone, I do not need to be pressured into being interested. For instance, if I tell you that nothing intimate is going to happen between us and I give you my reasons, don’t try to have ulterior motives to get me to change my mind. And if I share with a friend that I have my reasons for not getting involved with someone, that friend should not be pushing me to be involved with that person. It doesn’t matter if you do not agree with my reasons, they are MY Reasons, so respect the fact I do not want to get myself in a situation that I am already not comfortable being in.

  • But here is the realistic part I need to talk about. With a man who I have never been involved with or intimate with, it is much harder for him to get to me than a man who already knows me in that way. I’m not saying that every lover I have ever has still has a chance, I’m just saying they already know some details about me that they can utilize to their advantage. Thank goodness I do not have a lot of previous lovers. I think I said before, I can drive several hours outside my front door and count on LESS than one hand how many men have been in my juices.

If we are both interested in each other, let’s not play these cat and mouse games and just let each other know. I am willing to be more vocal with a man who gives me the feeling that he’s interested rather than a man who I am not sure if he’s even worried about be in any way. But remember, I’m not a one time woman, if we’re just having fun, then we’re going to have fun a few times and make the most of it. And if you have me, don’t leave me wondering if you’re still interested, just let me know if you want to stop or if your feelings have changed.

Be safe out there.

We Are Mosaics

“I'm feeling relaxed, blessed, and sexy. This is life.”

People are like mosaics, made up of countless pieces that come together to create our unique individual selves. One of the most significant influences on our individual mosaic is the people we spend time with or meet in passing. Our likes and dislikes are often shaped by the people we surround ourselves with, consciously or unconsciously. We might adopt the tastes of our closest friends or family members, whether it's music, food, or hobbies. On the other hand, we might actively reject certain things based on the experiences of those around us. However, even with all these shared pieces, we each have our unique mosaic, a one-of-a-kind collection of likes and dislikes that makes us who we are.

If you think about it, you’ve probably interacted with thousands of people in your life and the ones you remember are the ones that left some sort of impression on you. And sometimes those impressions teach us a thing or two.

Here are some things that make up my mosaic:

  • I do not leave the house unless I am presentable because my father once told me that first impressions make a big difference and you never know who you will meet when you leave your house.

  • The way I eat sushi was taught to me by one of my ex’s friend. He showed me certain techniques that I still do today.

  • I did not know I liked Indian food until I had a work lunch and my boss at that time ordered for me. Ever since then I make sure to order some of the same dishes.

  • When I do carry cash I put the lower amount bills on the outside because when I was an teenager withdrawing money from the teller an older man told me that’s how you should organize your money so people do not see how much money you really have.

  • One of my previous lovers told me that it is not attractive for a woman to throw herself on men or chase them, and that stuck with me.

  • There are certain songs that instantly make me smile because it reminds me of someone I care about or of someone I either loved or admired.

  • Titos and lemonade became my go-to cocktail because I was at a bar once and I did not know what I wanted to order but I wanted something light and refreshing. My friend suggested that drink and it’s been my choice ever since.

  • I stopped saying that I don’t require much or that I’m low maintenance because a friend told me it gives people the chance to treat less than I deserve.

People imprint themselves onto us and we hold on to the prints that make is feel good. The beautiful thing is that our mosaics are constantly being added to. And I can only hope I added some good things to those I've come across.

Please Him Too

“Rare breeds are just rare, they don’t have to announce it.”

Before I get into the topic I want to share this really quick. I know I am late on this, but I recently did a binge on the BelAir. The show is a newer version of Fresh Prince, but instead of a comedy, it’s a drama which is what made me hesitant to get into it in the first place. I feel like there are too many drama shows these days and I didn't want to be disappointed with this show….like the second season of Harlem with Meagan Good. Anyway, I loved watching Fresh Prince after school. It was wholesome and funny. And I did enjoy this newer version in a more critical thinking kind of way. I won’t spoil it for anyone who hasn't watched it yet. The first few episodes I was a little skeptical, but I stuck with it and the characters became exactly what I expected of them. Even though these are fictional people it’s still based off of real human emotions, circumstances, and tough decision making strategies. You see, regardless of backgrounds, race, and generations, human behaviors are the same everywhere. The difference is how we express and manage our behaviors and much of the scenarios in this show was slightly predictable to me, and one of my strengths and weaknesses is that fact that I am very observant of people and how they operate, but still the show was entertaining nonetheless. If you haven't watched it, I do suggest giving it a chance.

The Effort Series

Some of my friends tell me that they’ve never seen me in casual attire or even pants. Lol.

Now, on to the topic…

I wasn't sure how I wanted to talk about this topic so it's been sitting in my drafts for months now. Usually, when we talk about “pleasure” it’s mainly referring to sex. I decided this isn’t going to be about sex. Sorry if that’s what you were expecting, but I’m going to discuss something more valuable.

DISCLAIMER: Men, please don’t think I’m taking anything away from you with some of the things I’m going to say, for instance, you're egos make you more delicate than women. Let me explain. It’s considered normal and accepted for women to talk about their issues, flaws, and setbacks. The same grace isn't given to men, so all that just builds up and any puncture to a man's ego can set him off, maybe not in a huge way, but in a way that he may do things that don’t cast him in the best light.

I pay attention to things like this. I also know when men are intimidated by me. They move differently and talk to me differently and most of the time they hold themselves back from saying or doing what they want to say to me because they cannot predict how I may receive them. Even a confident man can be intimidated, I’ve experienced this first hand.

So ladies, in this topic of pleasing him too, it's more about paying attention to the man that he shows you and being gentle to the weakness he doesn't talk about. This doesn't mean allowing someone to make you foolish, but rather engage with his personality type and give just enough grace to his flaws that he feels comfortable and accepted around you. Don't forget about your feelings in the process, but also don’t give ultimatum or make compromises that don’t serve you too. Instead, acknowledge his needs in conjunction with your own and be clear with what you're willing to do to accommodate both of you. A mature man will want to discuss those accommodations, see that your willing to understand him, and give you equal affections.

In any kind of relationship, there will be peaks and valleys, but relationships that last long-term display acts of unselfishness, compromise, grace, and an equal understanding of each other’s individual lives, responsibilities, and stresses that come along with being well…an adult.

Pleasing a man is identifying that the same sort of things that make you happy can also make him happy, like asking about his day, embracing him when you see him, and speaking with him without scrutiny and criticism (outside of talking sh*t, because I’ll aways do that so a man can't get sensitive when I’m going in on him. 🤣) All joke aside, pleasing him is about not treating him how society treats him, but showing and giving him the love he needs so he can be the best man he is capable of being. But fellas, don’t think that just because a woman is loving you right that there is nothing you should be doing different or more of. If we are not improving, we are staying stagnant, and no one wants a connection that isn’t thriving.

Codename: "Poppa"

“Sometimes we lose each other, but we don’t stay lost.”

In my last topic I gave a little shoutout to a special reader/listener, in this topic, I am going to focus more on this particular reader/listener. This person expressed a slight discernment of some of the things I was saying and felt I was being unfair with my content and believes I vehemently dislike them which is very far from the truth. I let the person know that I utilize my critical thinking using more social verbiage as I speak about my perception of interactions that I experienced.

I am going to refer to this person as “Poppa” which is actually the nickname I gave him very early on and Poppa is someone who I have interesting experiences with. All the experiences were not great, but not everything is always great, right? And I hate that he only sees my reflections as being all negative as opposed to being constructive and a way of learning certain antidotes on how to be with people and I don’t think he gets my humor sometimes. But I realized something the other day, we have become a bit critical of each other. Poppa, this is something I don’t think either one us is willing to admit that we created a sort of barrier and it infuses our good and bad over the years.

In the beginning, we had a sort of unspoken understanding that we are just going to the enjoy the moment and our geographical distance allowed us to stay fond of each other and during these times we gave each other a lot of praises and the element of mystery was not an issue.

We met on April 25, 2015 under unplanned and unexpected circumstances. I did not expect to hear from him again after this date.

In recent years, our geographics changed and we had more frequent face-to-face interactions. The recent years is where some of our not so great experiences came to surface and I reflect on those experiences a few times throughout the topics. I don’t think I discuss him any more or less than I discuss my relations with other people I know. And I do try to keep things open-ended and make it clear that it’s my opinion and not confirming it as the right opinion, because we all have our own ideas and perceptions on what is accurate depending on our feelings and values. Within the recent years, we had a period where we got a little closer than before. During this time, he was catering and attentive, much like how I first met him.

But here is where I think the conflict is. We are almost equal opposites in the sense that we have similar tastes in music - I always poke at him for wondering how good his ears are. We practice similar ideas of relaxing and having a good time - we welcome people and want everyone around us to enjoy themselves and Poppa, you won’t like to hear this, but people do notice one you are giving someone extra attention. Lastly, we are both established in our individual lives. With all that in mind, we are also very strong-minded in our views. I’m just going to use the word stubborn because, Yes, Poppa it can be like the pot calling the kettle black with me and you.

We always let things happen as they needed to.

We both like our space and time to decompress from people which can seem like we are being emotionally dry or distant, I don’t believe our intention is to be cold towards people, but sometimes we just need to disconnect. And the time when we were a little closer, there were moments when I wanted to connect and he didn’t and vice versa and our distant behaviors ended up being filled with other things that did not help us stay close and I know he won’t admit this, but I didn’t like it when he tried to downplay his friendship with a girl that I questioned him about a few times and a few other things he did that hurt my feelings.

Although, in my experience with him, I did learn that sometimes people phase in and out and we are an example of that. Sometimes we are very engaged, sometimes we are not. For instance there have been recent conversations with him where I think, Hmmm, that’s something new…and it really caught my attention. Like when he told me about a community service project he was part of and a few days ago he slightly mentioned he was mentoring. Poppa, I love these things! And I also appreciated when he and I bonded over a mutual friend of ours where Poppa called me to let me know what happened and a few days later we both sat together and reflected on our friend’s situation. I thought that was a sentimental moment.

“Poppa”

On this day we had no clue what was to come next.

So even though Poppa thinks I don’t like him or always attacking him, those are just small impressions to what I really think of him, it’s like 5% of his 95%. Yes, Poppa, I do get a little brash with you when you do things that harm your caliber. But, I also know that you have to process things though just like anyone else.

It is kind of like seeing someone walk across a street without looking both ways and you are just hoping the reach the other side unharmed. And I am not saying Poppa is careless person, sometimes I’m just like, “Baby, please think about this some more before you get ahead of yourself!” I also appreciate the company he has in regards to his college friends. I’ve gotten to know them over the years too and I love all that they are. And if I am being honest, my love for the friends is slightly different than the love I have for Poppa because he and I have different experiences with each other and most of the friends don’t fully know those details. And that’s another similarity we both share, we like our privacy, although his definition of privacy is a little different from mine.

So to my special reader/listener: Poppa you are great, I hate that you take my sentiments as negative jabs. Don’t assume that any of my reflections is a permanent mark of how I think of you. Because overall, I enjoy when we talk without restrictions and expectations. Now, if I start flirting with you, don’t act funny, because talking shit to you has been an issue. Enjoy your day, my love.

So Unattractive

“Sometimes you just have to let people go through a clown phase and let them be foolish until they come back to their senses.”

*I also want to mention that is it very attractive when a man acknowledges and owns up to his part in a problem. I love a man who doesn’t let pride make him arrogant or unaware of his faults…even the greatest leaders knew to admit it when they were wrong.

There are a few physical traits that make me look at a man twice such as nice teeth, good grooming, clean nails, athletic build, nice posture, and classic contemporary-style clothing. But, there are a few things a man can do that will make me lose all attraction to him. He can still be handsome, but that's it.

One of the things that make me think less of a man is when he believes he's more than he is. Like saying he's a certain type of man, but acting the opposite. I know someone like this. He intertwines himself with certain people and claims it's about the "connection" but the reality of it is he's so wrapped up in the fallacy of believing these people are like him when it more seems like he wants to be like them. Chasing after things that are not for him when he should be above them. We have a mutual friend and the mutual friend recently asked me, "What's up with your boy?" - I'm like, "My boy?! Nah, you've known him longer than me. You need to talk to him, he won't listen to me." The sad part is I used to see him as such a confident man that makes fairly stable decisions, but the decisions that he has been making recently are causing me to look at him so differently these days. It's one thing to be vulnerable and make a few wrong moves, but it's another thing to defending your poor choices and dismissing people who know you can do better. That is such an unattractive quality.

Remember a few topics back I used the percentage example? Like people being certain percentages depending on where they're at in life. This man is out here hanging around people who are at 20-30% which is bringing his caliber down. He should be at 100%, but I tried telling him and he got defensive. So hey, I'm not getting into that. It's like people who take themselves so seriously that they don't listen to rationale. I don’t have to deal with that bullshit. You're grown. Do what you want.

The 2nd thing that makes me rethink a man is if he's only paying me attention because someone else paid me attention or gave me compliments. Listen, don't take interest in me just because someone else took an interest or finds me attractive. I also find it a little odd when a man is interested in a woman because she looks like or resembles someone famous. Like the girl for looking like herself, not for looking like someone else. This type of behavior is a follower. I don't want a follower, I want a leader.

The next thing that makes a man less attractive is poor time management and lack of communication when there is a delay. I'm very organized. If I plan to be somewhere at a certain time, 95% of the time I'll be there within the hour that I stated. I hate tardiness, but I hate when a man doesn't let me know his time frame has changed. If we made plans, I do expect both of us to honor those plans or at least communicate with each other if those plans need to be delayed or changed.

The 4th thing that makes a man less attractive is his unwillingness to emphasize my perspective, but only wants me to see things his way. I'm pretty sure this is narcissistic behavior and usually this type of person does things that are misleading to people and when it becomes a problem he then tells the narrative from his point of view without considering the other person's position. I understand that if I'm telling a story that involves other people, I'm not just sharing my business, I'm sharing a part of theirs too, so I keep my narrative open for interpretation and don't try to sway people into siding with what I said. People who try to make you think like them tend to always want control.

And the last thing that makes a man less attractive to me is his not knowing how to handle me. And this one is personal because a man would need to know me and pay attention to me to know how to handle me. Now, I've told you I've not been involved with a lot of men right, but with the men I do have experiences with I noticed one distinction with all of them and this may ruffle some feathers…

Coaching SZN

Since these men out here wanna keep bs-ing and playing games.

And that is, men from the northeast handle me better than men from the south. Now before anyone gets offended, let me explain. I'm very brash, I'm forward-thinking, strong-willed, and passionate about my views, and I can be mouthy. Southern men don't very much appreciate that. Again, I've not been involved with a lot of men, so I'm not pulling from a large database, but the men I have dealt with, the southern men, didn't handle me well when they saw other parts of my personality, and I'm not saying they should have, but with the northern men, they knew how to work around my strong characteristics and ease me when I'm being a little too much.

Let me put it to you this way, I need to be put in check sometimes, but not in a way where I'm disrespected or hurt, in a way that a man sets his dominance, shuts me up, but still makes me feel heard and love...yeah this sounds confusing and not all men can do this, like I said I've only seen this with the northeast men. I don't flinch if a man calls me, "Bitch" that's not a cruel word to me. I've been in a situation where I was popping off at the mouth with a guy I was dating and he just smacked his hands together and said, "Bitch! Stfu, and let me talk to you." I'm not saying this is appropriate, but he knew how to get my attention and even though I was still mad, I did stop talking because all he wanted for us to do was have a calm conversation about what I was upset about.

Southern men are different in the way that they don't talk to me like that. The ones that I've been with seem to avoid or run away from trying to resolve issues with me and that causes a little resentment. But outside of any problems, southern men are more chivalrous and gentlemanly, they speak to me very patiently and cater to me as a woman (well, most of them are like this, the other ones are riding on their bs...they know who they are). And I appreciate the southern men for these sweet qualities. Although, if I were to come across a man with both northern masculinity and southern hospitality, yeah...I'd probably break my celibacy and give him the goods. I'd let him take full advantage of me. Might even fly him out on vacation and buy him a short set. And get him some steak and lobster too.

Let me not think about that for too long before I lose my composure. Anyways, so these are the types of things that turn me off from a man. What about you ladies?

Love Me When You're Ready, Not When You're Vulnerable

06/10/2023: You readers are really trying to piece together “who is who” in my life 😅. And some of you are connecting the nicknames I gave the men I mention more recently to some of the previous topics, like this one. I wrote this back in February, so not too long ago. And some of you readers really make me blush with your messages 😳! A good number of you are really invested with me connecting with one of these men. Most of my thoughts from this topic are still the same, not thing has changed too much. There is more and less progression, but nonetheless everything is still as it has been with my love life. And if you guys are paying close attention then you know what my current love status is. 😏

“People like us never go hungry because there will always be someone who wants to feed us, but the problem is we can’t eat everybody’s food.”

A few of you keep inquiring about 2 things: The last man I was involved with and the young man I won’t get involved with. Now, I told you, I’ll share some of my experiences, but there is a limit to how much I’ll say. So let’s do this…

  1. The man I was last involved with: It dissipated around May 2021, it started around August 2020 right around the time Covid restrictions were getting lifted. I mentioned we had already know each other for several years and we fooled around on and off, but didn’t really get serious. (*This time around had the potential to be more substantial than the other times) So again, this lasted until May, a month later I had a car accident and a few months after that I had to deal with something serious that changed my whole outlook on life. We lost touch during that time, I’m not really sure why, those months are still a blur to me. I think overall, some of our issues were that my schedule had me spread out which made my availability limited, which at times made me seem distant. And I don’t think he had the patience for my sporadic time and I wasn’t always at ease with his impatience. But the funny thing is, how we are towards each other now is good and I think it’s because there’s no pressure to be or do anything more than just friends who catch up and laugh…well, lately he’s acting a little out of character, but I think there’s something he has to come to terms with or deal with on his own.

  2. The young man I won’t get involved with: I told both of my best friends about this guy and these heffers are telling me to do the whole “Stella got her groove back” type thing and we all know how that movie ended…yeah, I’m not doing that. Let’s stick to reality here folks. This 20-something years old is gorgeous, I give him that. But his attractiveness does not overshadow the fact he cannot empathize where I am in life right now. And again he is great, he’s career focus, manages his money well, he’s very chivalrous, he’s close to his family, and he constantly compliments me (which I love), but I just can’t do it. I cannot play with him, I don’t want to hurt him. I know people and have seen people get caught up like this and get themselves into a mess that they have to clean up afterwards, I am not going to be like that. I will continue to be friends with this young man, but that’s it. I cannot be vulnerable with him.

Speaking of vulnerability, let’s go on to the topic…

The Effort Series

I used to be good at doing a sultry gaze...don’t know if I still got it though.

Sometimes we fall victim to getting ourselves into situations because we’re lonely, vulnerable, or just not thinking clearly. Nobody wants to be just a time-filler in someone else's life. When you're dating because you're vulnerable, you're more likely to make decisions that do not have the best outcome and then you may become dismissive towards the person or relationship altogether. It's human to be flawed, but you need to be accountable for the ways you treat people you are in an intimate relationships with. If you're hesitant with the next steps of your relationship, take a step back and figure out why that is. Is it you? Is it them? Or did you just get caught up in something you didn't intent to?

Vulnerability can convince us to thinking we’re doing something right and disguise it with fun times, but really our judgments are clouded because we think all types of happiness is healthy. It’s not. — READ THAT AGAIN. It can be hard to distinguish if our decisions are truly good for us or if those decisions will become lessons. All of my relationships have been lessons in one way or another, but the most interesting thing is that each relationship was different, how I approach it, how I viewed it, and how I handled each man was different from the last. Some situations were just having fun, some were significant, and some were "Oh sh*t, what did we get into?". But I can honestly say each man I’ve gotten close to either shown me something about myself or brought something out of me I didn't know I had. Although, I'm not saying it was all good things 😆.

I still want to learn from my relationships, but not learning things that separate us, rather leanings things that keep us close and growing together. I guess a little part of you has to be vulnerable to be open to someone. It’s just finding that healthy balance and making sure we're not completely going down the wrong path and opening ourselves up to the wrong types of relationships. We get involved with people for many reasons and sometimes it leads to something unexpected or it leads to exactly what we intended, but who can predict what happens? I think the reality is we have to know what we want and not mislead what others may want from us.

Choosing With Your Head First, Then Your Heart

Sometimes we make mistakes with deciding on people, but when you keep making the same mistakes, it’s you, not them.

Ok, I am officially getting sick. I don’t know why I keep playing with my health like my immune system isn’t compromised. I know my guardian angels are about sick of me! Anyway, even though I’m feeling weak, I received a call from a good friend last night and we talked for a good while. I haven’t socially seen him since his birthday party back in July and I saw him briefly when there was an unfortunate incident that occurred with his family. Speaking with him made me feel so great, we discussed a few different things that I’ll probably incorporate them into a few topics here and there. I love my friend, he’s so great and it’s him and a few other’s like him whom I feel so comfortable and safe around. They are very honest and transparent with me and genuinely care about me and I am so blessed to have people like that in my life.

Ladies, don’t think I have any secrets about how to find good men. I don’t. Yes, I always speak highly of my guys friends, they are great men, but keep in mind that I am not in a romantic relationship with any of them. So, my point of view about them will be different from a woman who is sleeping with them. So don’t be over there believing I’m keep all the good men to myself. Come get these men! I love them, but the work all of my nerves. Like my one friend got himself this girl and nothing is wrong with her, but they are not on the same level in life and it’s only a matter of time before she filters out after he starts to notice things everyone else is noticing. But hey, we got to let our people do what they do.

Although, ladies, we have to do better too. We can’t just linger on every word a man tells us. What is he actually doing and what are the two of you doing? If your mind is going one direction, is his mind going the same direction? Are you trying to move the relationship forward and he seems to be hesitating or taking his time? Baby, that is a sign. He has his reasons for not moving at the same pace as you just like you have your reasons for not staying at his pace. Yes, people may take longer to be ready, but it’s up to you if you want to wait or not.

It is good to follow your heart, but don’t leave your head behind because when that heart of yours breaks, guess who has to pull double duty to get yourself back together? Yup, that good ol’ noggin. It can be hard to see what other people are seeing and to be practical about things when we are feeling and being loved, but when we stop thinking about other things that impact our lives, we open ourselves up to making decisions that don’t have the greatest outcome. You heart may be in the right place, you just need date someone who improves your value, not take away from it and make you look like you doesn’t know any better. It’s hard to explain these things to some men because they always like to believe that are sure of everything and know exactly what it is they are doing….Do you, sir? Do you really know???

The Effort Series

Legs.

Here's another thought I want to share with you. Let my try to give you guys an analogy. Let’s mark different levels in life with percentage numbers. A man at 50% will probably attract a woman who is also 50% or higher, but on the other side of it, he's definitely going to look like 100% to a woman who is at 20% or 30% because women like date up and will do more than a woman at 50% to get the man whom is at 50%. And the man probably knows this and likes her willingness to do more for him because the other women closer to his level are more likely to look for a man higher than 50% (are you following?). And when a man can't offer more or want to be more, he dates lower (are your hearing me?). Just let this sit on your mind a bit and think about your dating history or think about people you know and the type of people they date.

This is why I think it is better to date within your caliber, not too high, not too low, just that good range where you too are not constantly having to explain yourselves or struggling to communicate. This is one of the things my friend and I were talking about. As mature as some of the younger adults may seem to be, there’s still some things they just are ready to comprehend with people who have a little more experience in life. For instance, remember the 25 year old I met last year and I decided right away that I would not play games with him? I made that decision because although he is persistent, sweet, ambitious, and further ahead in life than most of his peers, mentally we are not in the same realm of understanding. Our lives are too different, I’ve been where he’s been already and so much more. Our progress is not on the same level, maybe in another 10 years, he’ll be where I am now, and I may have slowed down a little to where our lives better align, that’s just not the case right now. And although he is very attractive and a great guy, I know better than to get myself involved with someone who isn’t ready for my life.

Ladies, I will say this much…I do have a lot of attractive men in my circle. Sometimes I look at my guy friends and think, Damn, my boys look good. — Like as if I made them. You know what, I hope they say the same about me too.

Anyway, I’m not saying don’t take risks with people and relationships, just don’t let your heart be the only one making moves, let your head keep you leveled.

Zodiac Compatibility: Real?

“Taurus women are loyal and sensual lovers.”

Not Mentioned: With the Asian zodiac (said to be most accurate) I was born in the year of the Ox. Patience and honesty are the two characteristics that many people appreciate the ox for. The reliable, dependable, and loyal ox is probably the best type of friend you can ever have. Oxen are very caring towards their family and friends. The will always be there when someone they care about is in need, but the ox is very stubborn; it is hard to change their mind when they have already decided on something. They are usually calm, but when they are at their limit, they can turn into an aggressive person. - I can see this being accurate.

Okay, first topic of the month and since we’re starting off I figured it be best to begin with the zodiac topic and I am paring it with another post that’s about what one of you suggested I start doing.

Interesting…

This is very accurate to my personality. I’m very chilled and laid back, but if you push the right buttons, there’s no telling what will happen. You only get a pass to try me one time.

Like I said in a previous topic, I’m not a huge believer of this, but I'm willing to read about it here and there. It all depends on what you believe. I’m into Greek and Roman mythology and they believed in God’s that represented similar ideas to the zodiac signs. Plus, I always like reading the stories that have hidden life lessons and theories. Oedipus, Sisyphus, Medusa, Persephone, and Narcissus are a few good stories if you want to do a little reading. — Those Greek and Roman Gods were reckless!

My sign is a Taurus. It’s assume that one of my top compatibility partners is a Scorpio. Taurus is an earth element and ruled by Venus, which in Roman mythology represents love, beauty and pleasure. Tuaruses are said to be loyal, stable, dependable. Scorpio is ruled by Mars (are you picking up where this is going). Mars represents action, passion and sexuality. Scorpio's element is water. So what they are saying is the opposites between Taurus and Scorpio is what attracts them together and can create balance: Mars (masculine) and Venus (feminine), earth and water, sensuality and sexuality. Both signs have a desire for pleasure and luxury. I also read that these signs can have a great sex life as long as Scorpio is tender and Taurus experimental….yeah, I’ll leave that to your imaginations.

The Effort Series

The really used to focus on accessorizing my looks.

Another sign that is compatible to me is Cancer. Cancer is also a water element. It’s said that a Taurus and Cancer are affectionate and nurturing and share many of the same values and interests. Their connection is based on empathy and trust and have a perfect understanding and value security, commitment, and love. A Taurus and Cancer couple will be like “Peaceful Warriors” and will approach problems with practicality. Taurus and Cancer couples are powerful because they know how to complement each other with ease. They also get along really well with each other as they are both sentimental, and sensual and they appreciate each other's ability to love deeply.

My next compatible sign is Capricorn. Capricorn is the goat and Taurus is the bull so they have similar characteristics. Both of these zodiac signs are practical, dependable, and intelligent. Both are earth elements and are attracted to each other's stability and reliability. They are both extremely ambitious individuals with a tremendous work ethic and a high drive to succeed on the professional front. Since they are both Earth signs, they are both grounded people and build a solid and responsible relationship.

So if any of you are any of these signs, you may be the one for me. 😄BUT I must give you a heads up, because I am very reserved, I tend to hold things in and can be sensitive at times, so your emotional intelligence needs to be on point.

Find out your sign compatibility is this article my friend shared with me: HERE . Remember, this is just for entertainment, I wouldn't run home with this information. And if you’re dead set on compatibility partners being based on zodiac signs, look at the people who you know are married and have been married a long time, what are their signs?

Love Challenge

“I like to engage with people of my caliber. I limit my attention to everyone else.”

So this topic came about after one of you readers suggested I start doing a few things differently to have a fulfilled love life…I love how your guys look out for me. Before I get in to that, to be clear, having a romantic relationship is not one of my top goals and you all know I’m stubborn, right? The last man I was involved with was in 2021. Remember in a previous post I mentioned I had a little back and forth with someone about the timeline of when I was last with a person? I did my research and confirmed my timeline. So the other person is confused and is probably telling the wrong information to make other people feel better…My thought is if you’re going to tell a part of my business, tell it right, don’t just say things to make yourself look better. Because when someone else doesn’t remember the same way, they may have been doing some bs on their end. Just my opinion.

The Effort Series

Coordination is a skill.

Look I want to enjoy my life and if I have to cry or be upset, I rather shed tears for other people who are going through troubles; I’m not shedding tears for myself anymore. And you can still value the history you have with someone, that's beautiful, but if there was any hurt or pain, you have to let that go and be grateful of where you are right now✅️. And with the guy there some things that happened which hurt me, he may have a different perspective and that's okay because today, we’re fine. He was the last significant relationship type of thing I had, but it’s not awkward when I see him.

Anyway, let’s move on. I will take some of these mentioned suggestions into consideration. And I also want to mention that I am starting to come out of my shell just a tad…I mean, I did go on a date a few weeks ago. That’s a start. I think with where I am at in life I can only sparsely dedicate my attention to building a relationship with someone new. I really don’t want to go through getting to know someone with the intention of something happening, I rather hangout with someone when my time permits and make the most of that time and if an intimate relationship develops, that’s okay, BUT I still want us to keep our initial friendly foundation like hanging out casually, talking about different life topics, and enjoying each other outside of sex. I need someone who is of my caliber and can fully understand that I have my life already setup to my preference and I am willing to bend my own rules on some things, but I cannot make compromises that take away from my stability. - A homie, lover, friend, that’s what I would like. (I think I talked about this in previous topics.)

Here are the suggestions made to me:

  1. Meet someone new each month: This won’t be hard because I meet people all the time when I am out because I am very welcoming and open to conversations with people around me although, I usually keep it at that and do not engage into anything further. I could be more open to connecting better with new people.

  2. Go on at least 2 dates a month: Well, I already did one in January, I guess I could be open to this.

  3. Reconnect with someone you already know: I have no comments for this one.

  4. Be more affectionate: I actually had this realization late last year that I am not very physically affectionate although, I am verbally affectionate, so I can improve on this.

  5. Agree to spontaneous trips with someone: Ummmm…this one I am a little hesitant on. Unless I already know the man very well or I’ve already been intimate with him, I am not so sure about just disappearing with a random person for a few days.

  6. Be more flirtatious: I think I am charismatic, but I am fuzzy on what flirting is. Do I just smile and give a man compliments? Or do I say suggestive things? Like if he asks me what I’m doing later do I say Him? Do I give him sultry looks? What defines as flirting that’s not too forward?

  7. Make special time to be with someone special: Well, I can do this. Once I have someone special, I can definitely devote some undivided time to him.

  8. Send good morning and goodnight messages: Again, once I have my homie, lover, friend, I am open to doing this.

Thank you dear reader who send me this list. I’m willing to be open to these things and see what happens.

My Man My Man

“Saying ‘I Love You’ can cost you more than your heart can afford.”

PRE THOUGHT: The reality is, other people don't improve or ruin your relationship. Your choices do that.

Some of you ladies send me messages about your relationships. Many times it’s in response to one of the topics and you either affirm you have something great going on or you have your concerns.

One reader wrote how her boyfriend is so catering to her and how she feels special and safe around him. My dear reader, I love that for you. I don't come across many messages like this unfortunately.

So many other readers share heartache about men and how they can't understand why their relationships fail. I've learned some men can have odd ways of expressing themselves. The constant arguing is not healthy. The best thing I can tell you is to give him space to figure things out. Men harbor thoughts and emotions, I don't have an explanation why, they just do, so give them time to sort through their thoughts and keep letting them know you still care.

One of my guy friends always seem to have the same issue with women he gets involved with and I always ask what is he doing the same and what is he doing differently to avoid going in circles. Sometimes a relationship isn't really what we want, we just like the idea of having someone to spend time with. — And this is where things can get complicated because you transfer comfort into romance and you convince yourself this is a great idea without assessing your lifestyles, your goals, and your values.

I take my personal relationships seriously and anything that occurs between me and another person is between us two. Meaning the things we talk about or do in private is not privy for everyone else unless we are both present to discuss the matter with others. I am not only at a certain age, but also at a mindset that casual encounters hold no value to me. You are either a significant part of my life or you are not and being significant to me doesn’t necessarily mean being a lover to me, but it can mean just being there for me or being a good friend.

Nothing is ever simple and expect the unexpected. Every single one of us has our uphill battles as well as our downhill battles and our focus should always be to understand our own emotions and getting ourselves into a space where we can still be good to others even when we are facing issues in private and not treat others as if they are a road block in our lives. Never speak poorly about someone even if they are speaking poorly about you. 99% those people always regret their words.

Women like to be sure of the man they're dating and it can be a hard road to navigate if the man has female friends. If a woman approaches me about my interactions with a man and trying to see what my involvement is with him, whatever I say is going to have her more confused and I don't like being interrogated. I’m not one who does the whole, “I’m coming to you as a woman” type of thing and if someone starts to ask me questions here's how I answer:

  • Yes, I am a part of his life

  • Whatever else you want to know you'll need to discuss with him

  • I won't say anything bad about the man

  • I won’t say anything bad about the woman either because she's already upset

And this isn’t a reflection of the man, it’s more keeping myself from going back and forth with another woman. Her concerns don't stem from me so I’m not the person she should be having the conversation with. Again, that's why I like to keep things private even with people I’m just friends with especially men. I never know what their dealings are with other people, I only know what their dealings are with me and there can be a misconception of what that is so I don't explain my connection to people with anyone I’m not fully comfortable with.

The Effort Series

Blue or white are usually my go-to colors. I play around with other hues here and there.

One of my friends who I grew up with is constantly going through relationships phases. One month he’s so in love and the next month he's dealing with someone new. And with some of the women I met and they'll ask me questions, but I don't ever give them too much information because at the end of the day, I stand by my friend and I was here before any of these women, I here now, and I’ll still be here after them. And I don’t mean that in a foul way and this friend and I have never been romantic, but I just know how he is, I know his patterns. So I don't ever get too close to his women.

Ladies, if you are having issues with your man or special friend, that's something you’ll need to work out with him or yourself. And again sometimes men need time to sort things out too. (Fellas, I’m trying to go to bat for you on this). Figure out what you want and then have the necessary conversations.

For those of you whom are in healthy relationships, maybe I’ll need to set something up where you can tell us how you're making it work. 😀

Check On Me Tonight

“Say hi today. It could bring a brighter tomorrow.”

I don’t know how I'm going to explain this topic because I can't always determine why people do what they do. Do you ever check on people just to see how they are or what they've been up to? What about when you indirectly check on them? Like instead of talking to them directly, you're seeing about them through other ways whether it be through other people or looking on their social media page. Have you ever done that? Why? Why not just call the person?

Let’s go through the different possibilities of why you would keep tabs on someone.

  1. You want to know what's going on in someone's life because you want to know where you fit in. Maybe it’s someone you used to be with and you're seeing if they've moved on with their lives.

  2. It’s someone you've seen go through a lot of struggles and you like seeing them do well.

  3. It’s someone from your past who you're not sure if you should reach out to them or not because maybe things didn’t g so well the last time the two of you spoke you want to avoid any possible conflicts.

No matter what the reason is, you care about this person in some way. So what's keeping you from talking to them? So I started thinking about this whole transparency thing because I mentioned in the post “Love Isn’t Enough” that a guy I used to be involved with, we were not always transparent with one another and it affected the way we treated each other. So one of my newer goals is to be more fluid with people and I think if you are thinking about someone, you should reach out to them. What could it hurt? — Don’t put any expectations on it and go in with an open mind.

Sometimes I wonder if there's a guy checking for me from a distance. Would that be creepy or romantic in some way? I guess that would all depend on how I know the man and if he has good intentions for me. OMG what if the athlete I use to be serious about was keeping tabs on me? Actually, no he would have popped up on me somewhere by now. He would've found out who I do business with, the places I like to go and somehow just walked his way into my life. How do I know this? Because he’s done it before. He’s one of the reasons why a few years ago I started going to extra lengths to keep my name out of certain things, although it’s not always easy to do that in my field of business and investments. The athlete isn’t dangerous, let me be clear about that. He just always causes problems anytime he’s in my life, and bless his heart, he doesn’t mean to. I think his heart is in the right place, but he challenges any other man around me. We both don’t act right when we’re around each other. But I doubt he's checking on me. Last I heard he was married with a few children now. People who’ve happily moved on usually don’t look back.

The Effort Series

Over the next few topics I'm going to share how I really used to put effort in my looks: hair, makeup, clothes

It would be kind of nice to know that someone is frequently thinking about me, not just for their own person gain, but to genuinely be happy to know where I am at in life and how well I’m doing. And maybe just waiting for the right time to say something to me. — Hey, we’re on a new year, clean slate, make something happen.

Selfish

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

So lets start this new year on a high note. All last year I advocated for you all to love people, give them grace, give them time and space to get through their own dealings or whatever they need to go through but don't forget to do this for yourself too. Be Selfish with yourself, your mind, your body, your spirit. Everyone doesn't always deserve your time and energy. You need to keep some for yourself too. One week I can be very social and talk or text someone every day and the next week, you may barely hear from me. This does not mean anything is wrong (although, keep in mind it’s still good practice to check on people, just incase there is an issue), but most of the time I allocate my time and energy sparingly.

Last week I watched a dear friend try to hold back the tears when talking about a loved one he recently lost, but I couldn't hold back tears and even though it wasn't my loss, I still needed time to decompress the emotions I had for my friend and his family. I only reached out to people who knew him also and closed myself off to those who didn't know him or the family. I send comforting messages to all those people and even the one person I have a colorful history with, I decided months ago and I would not let any past issues to get in the way of sharing love towards him too…despite hearing and seeing certain things, but I’m not making that important because not letting go of pain keeps us in that moment and doesn't allow us to move forward (maybe one day we’ll be able to have a reasonable discussion about the little details, probably on a day that doesn’t end with “Y” - inside joke). Anyway, I tend get very selective during sensitive circumstances because I know I cannot fully be myself when I'm affected by something. So yes, people may hear less from me when I do this.

When things occur that make us emotional or requires making multiple decisions, we have to separate ourselves from the world to focus. I have a very unhealthy habit of suppressing my emotions and eventually it affects my decisions and how I behave. Some people see me as cold and standoffish while others see me as warm, but extremely private. I never liked sharing all of my news whether good or bad to people. I guess that’s selfish of me, but it also helps me think through what I want for myself. People are not one dimensional, we have layers and I don’t always pull back all of mine. And how I make decisions or get through things is something I am going to continuously learn to do because every situation isn’t going to require the same thoughts. I always want to be bettering myself whether or not people see that. Those who understand the process of growth, also understand the growing pains.

Enough with the cerebral talk…with keeping on the topic of being selfish, Fellas you can stop here. Ladies, to those of you who are on the same path as me and keeping your goods to yourself until someone helps you decide otherwise, I came across this very interesting necklace. And if you read my post about pH Balance, I am still very serious about not letting anyone mess that up and I don’t know about all women, but my pH balance is very sensitive. My body can tell within hours if something is not right with my Hello Kitty. Even when I was trying out different soaps and body washes, that girl down there let me know right away what she did and didn’t like. But anyways, about this special necklace, Ladies go ahead an use the CONTACT ME feature to learn more about what I found and to those of you who already know about it, we can share notes.

Self-Esteem

A few readers sent comments in:

“There's no such thing as an Uber? Was he her only friend? A man taking the same girl home each time something is going on.”

“Just like no response is a response, not answering is also an answer. Girl, he was fckn her.”

“Sis, I don’t even take my platonic friends home like that. Trust your intuition. She want him and he want her. The men who only be around girls that be all over them are suspect. Hoes are thirsty and men love that shit.”

— This is in response about the guy who had the girl all over him and skipped around the answer when I questioned if there was something between them. 😏

“How is it that I never met you but I still know when you're not being serious about something. Damn are your friends really your friends?”

— Lol. Not all of them understand my jokes. Sometimes I like to say things that make people think outside the box and some of them aren't ready for it. 😆

This topic is going to be a little complex so pay attention.

A few times when I go hang out with my guy friends I have a quirky way of asking if there is going to be another woman with them by asking, "Are you with someone because I want to know where my self-esteem needs to be." 😆 Now, let's be clear, I do not have self-esteem issues, I'm great, but I also know I'm not everyone's cup of tea 😉. So I like to know what I'm walking into when I do go hang out with my friends and there’s another woman with them:

  • Is she just another friend

  • Is she someone you're interested in

  • Is she someone you have history with

  • Is she someone who's trying to be with you

Because vibes are different depending on the relationship you have with someone and people can pick up on it. There was one time a guy I know walked into the same place I was at with 2 girls. He didn’t know I was going to be there and I know one of the girls too and she was all over him all night. Touching on him and everytime he got up to move, she followed behind him like they were together. And when I asked the guy if they were fooling around he skipped around the question. I've kind of always speculated something between them for a while because many other times he'd always make a point to take her home. Ladies, men like this are full of shit, and Fellas, if you don’t agree, change my mind. Anyways I never want to walk in a place and make others feel uncomfortable with me being around or feel like my presence is not welcomed by others.

If I'm out with friends, I going to make sure I give everyone equal attention and engage with everyone. Self-esteem is all about what you feel about yourself and I notice signs of low self-esteem when people say certain things or their body language shifts a certain way, it points to insecurity issues.

I've been in situations with women not appreciating me being around because of a guy they like, so they would make it a point to stay close to him and have quiet conversations with him. And my thoughts are, if you were sure about yourself and about him, you wouldn't be acting like that. And guys, this may be over your heads because most of you aren't paying attention, but instead just see it as a women wanting to be next to you. 🙄

Fellas, like who you like, but if you're one of my friends and there's a woman who always seems to act a little different when other woman is around, then she really doesn't need to be out with us. Because women can get very vindictive and as pleasant as I am, I'm only going to put up with so many whispers and side eyes before I end up telling you something that's going to hurt your feelings.

And fellas, if you’re not faciliting the welcomes with everyone, it can be very uncomfortable, so I appreciate getting a heads up about people before hand. So just be mindful the next time you're introducing women to each other.

The Vision Board

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

This will be the last post of 2022. I am going to enjoy the last few days of this year and I hope you take advantage of that too. All of you have made this year very interesting, getting into 2022 was a little rocky, but we smoothed it out and keep the laughs going. By the time May came around, I let other people’s issues stay with them and celebrated myself and oh what a celebration it was because I was very choosey on who I surrounded myself with, no one new, no young minded people, no one who would make me feel uncomfortable, and definitely no one who has shaded me, flaked off or didn’t have good thoughts about me. — No, I didn’t want anyone like that around me while I toasted up to my happiness. You know, there can be much to say about the people you decide to celebrate things with. I know I chose well.

If you ever want to read through any previous topics, you can go to the top menu and can click on “All Blogs & Articles” (hyperlinked) or from this page, just scroll to the bottom and see all the topics by month. And you all contributed to the creations of these topics. - Thank you.

I don't get into the whole vision board fad where you cutout pieces of a magazine and glue them on a poster board to visualize what you want in the new year…yeah it's basically a school art project. I’m not discrediting the value in this activity, I've been told it can be very relaxing, inspirational, and encouraging. My 2 bestfriends hosted vision board parties where I of course chose to be absent from. — I tolerate doing many things more often than I actually like doing them, that sounds bad, it’s just sometimes I do for others to make them happy. I’m the same about people too, I tolerate a lot of people more than I like them.

And I guess I have to answer this one question I keep getting from so many of you…No, I did not get involved with anyone this year and even as this year is ending and as I write this up, no one has came through to change my mind. I see and hear things about some men and even though we should not believe everything we see and hear, I’m practical enough to come up with my own conclusions about people. This entire year, I did not have anyone playing with my emotions and I plan to have the same energy going into 2023. And with us having few more days left, I am definitely starting the new year very happy knowing that no one is taking advantage of how reasonable I can be with relationships and men. (I know…you ladies don’t see eye to eye with me on certain things.) Just be sure to have a man who keeps you feeling loved and knows how to protect you from any messes he might make. Okay? — There are 2 things I have added on to my list of standards for a man: 1. If it comes to light that he was fooling with someone he denied sleeping with, that is a no for me. We are adults, what is the point of lying about who you you’ve laid with? Guys, if a woman is asking you about someone, there is a good chance she already has an inkling about something. Lying to her about it not only avoids her emotions, but also makes her feel less valued to you. 2. A man who never sees his actions, behaviors, or how he handled something as being wrong is also a no for me. No one person is always right in everything they do, so what makes you think you are?

But, do I have a set of goals for the new year?

Well, I’ve got 2 and a half more years before I can add “DR.” to my name. I guess my goals with that is to not get overwhelmed and keep pushing through. I’m working on a prototype that is in line with my applied research about professional training and development, so that is an objective that is going to last for a few years. My career will be in the same field, I am going to expand upon it a little more and create something that is going to help others get to a professional level where they can develop universal skills and transfer them into various industries and markets. And I have been wondering if I need to step away from this site as to not dilute my professional goals. This is the casual side of me, but the business side of me is very different. I guess I will have to find a way to infuse my two worlds. I’d hate to have to shut this site down, because I enjoy doing this too…luckily it’s not something I have to think a lot about any time soon.

One of my biggest thoughts is my oldest heading off to college next Fall. That is a major accomplishment. I am 100% a single parent, I did not get the luxury of co-parenting, although my family has helped a lot over the years, but when it comes to actually raising my kids and teaching them good values, it’s just me. I take them to their appointments, I stay up with them when they are sick, I answer their questions, I pay for their school expenses, I speak to their teachers, I expose them to different experiences, I follow up with their progress, there is no one I can tag in to do this for me. Those of you who are single parents, but still has the other parent present, consider that a blessing and be grateful even if you do not get along with each other. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, just at the very least, be there. My kids are still thriving despite only having me, because they have my family and their fathers side of the family. I could sit here and say I wish things were different, but why? My kids are happy, healthy, smart, creative, funny, and becoming people who I know will do great in life. They are not products of what’s missing, they are products of what continues to be here.

That is no different from us being a product of our pains, pleasures, lessons, and defaults. — It builds character and we can always develop ourselves to be better. Happy New Year everyone.

100/50/0

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How much should you give to a relationship? Any relationship? 100%? 50%? 0%? I think this question is very situational because it depends on the factors of your relationship with someone. Even work relationships are push and pull and it varies with what the tasks there are. In my friendships I do try to give my best efforts to let people know I care and want to be present for them and be as supportive as I can. Although, I look at my intimate relationships a little different, because I categorize them right above friendships and right below family (unless there is a ring involved, then it gets moved up to family.)

For instance, there have been a few times where I was a guest for my girl friends’ events and even though I was not hosting, I still went around to see if other guests needed anything and made sure they were comfortable and enjoying themselves. I felt like as a friend, I wanted to be helpful and fill in where I saw gaps. There was also a time I was out of town at a tailgating event with someone I was seeing and then, we had only known each other for a few months then and even though he did not ask me to help with anything, I still made sure people had food, drinks, trash was collected, and the little details for taken care of. — Maybe this is just part of my character? I just feel inclined to not just show up, but also be involved. *I also made a point to pay for part of the hotel expenses because I did not want him to think I was taking advantage of his financial contributions. I don’t like being one of those women who’s just there to be pretty. And like I said, we were still new to each other and I did not want to give him the wrong impression of me.

I believe when I am in the moment with someone, I give my all, my time, my attention, etc. But that does not necessarily mean I am giving 100% all the time. You will get my undivided attention when needed. It would not be realistic to give you all of me all the time. When I am in front of you or directly interacting with you, that is when you are getting 100% of me. When I am not around you, I am delegating myself between other things that need my consideration and efforts. I also pay very close attention on who makes plans to spend time with me or if I am always the one who reaches out and makes an effort. Especially if I am going through some things, I notice who decides not to be present for me, I read people even from a distance. I can still be kind to those people and speak to them with love, but I'm cognizant about keeping a wall up with them. — If you can't handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.

Anyway back to the numbers. I think many times these ratios are being confused with finances and how much of your monetary assets you are bringing to the relationship in exchange for intangible benefits, for example, a man who pays all the bills and a woman who maintains the home and family routines. This arrangement works for many couples, but I tend to want to bring sustainable assets to the relationship too. I want a man to do for me because I bring something of value to him, but I also do not want it thrown in my face if he ever feels that my contributions are not equal to his. Just like with anything else, this is a working relationship. — Discuss your objectives, address any concerns, and develop solutions.

However you believe the percentage should be, you want the other person to be on the same page as well. Because you do not want to be solely dependent on someone or someone to be solely depending on you, whether is financial or mental. It can be draining and cause resentment or conflicts in your relationships. It should not be where it’s “If you do for me then I will do for you.” This isn’t a quid pro quo matter, you guys know what quid pro quo means, right? Everyone here old enough to know what pink slips are? Anyway, rather it should be in your relationships, “Let’s do for each other and help one another fill in the gaps.”

Listen, out in the world, I’m strong, driven, and independent, but if I’m in a relationship or have a lover and we’re in the house, I want my man…ALL OF HIM. I want to be close to him, snuggle up with him, smell his manly scent, feed him, ask about his day, know what was his favorite cereal as a kid, find out what mixtapes he used to have, scratch the back of his neck, kiss on his face, sit on his lap and just be all over him…yeah, I want to smother and suffocate him with my love. I want to throw him a party and show up as the gift! 😅 This is why I believe you should not share your intimate self with everyone because I want to be able to give all my good energy to one man and I only want one man touching me.

And here is some unsolicited advice, you can take or you can throw it out: Don’t want the relationship more than you want the man. Let that twirl in your mind for a bit. It’s not going to mean the same for everyone. I tell my girl friends who are married and have good husbands who love and take care of them to not lose sight of their man because a lot of things out here are garbage. — Trust me, I see it everywhere. You guys do what is best for you. Be safe out there.

I’m Not Your Type

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A few posts ago I was talking about a guy in my life and I mentioned that I don’t believe I’m his type. I still sort of think this is true, but this topic isn't about me not being his type, it’s more about understanding your type.

I May Not Be Your Type

But I’m the type you don’t ever forget about.

I’m a thinker. I’m very analytical, task oriented, and process driven. I observe many things, so yes it’s safe to say I have an opinion about almost everything; I may or may not voice it but it's definitely on my mind. So if a man does not like to be asked questions or even challenged to consider other perspectives, he’s not going to like me.

Also, I am NOT free spirited. Let me repeat that, I AM NOT FREE SPIRITED. I may have been that when I was a teenager without any substantial responsibilities other than my left and right foot, but since having children, leaving their father, reconstructing my goals, maneuvering through my career, staying conscious of my finances, and surrounding myself with progressive people, I have a lot to account for.

Don't misinterpret that into thinking I don’t go out and enjoy myself, of course I do, but for the most part I consider how my decisions may affect other aspects of my life. And yes, I’ve taken risks and had some risky behavior but nothing that could have potentially damaged my family, my future, or what I wanted for myself. That term “free-spirited” is almost becoming nails on a chalk board to me. I more use it to describe children who are carefree because they don’t think about the after effects, they just do as they please, like my own children. For those of you who use it for reference the type of people you like, that's fine, but I would not describe my type of person as being free spirited, I want him to be conscientious…I want a grown man. Not a man who looks grown but has a lot of young tendencies. And this is not to be confused with having good energy.

I don't mind being out at a party, club or lounge, but that's not something I want to do all the time for fun. And I don’t surround myself with those who always want to do just that because you are a good as the company you keep. I do have people who I consider my “party friends” and if I'm going out and making a night of it, I’ll reach out to them. But as far as people who know me, know my character, my personality, my moods, where I’m at in life, those are my core connections. So if all a man wants to do is show out for people or try to keep up with the younger crowds, I'm not his type. — Sweetheart, go do you and chase those skirts. I’ll be home watching a movie. Don’t call me.

I’ve cultivate a set of preferences and priorities based on what I’ve learned, experienced, and enjoy. I'm not still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. No I'm not sure of everything, but I am certain that I want to keep myself pampered, entertained, independent, grateful, appreciative, and humbled.

I also want to keep my mind full of substance that continues to improve my way of thinking and my way of life. A man who is stagnant, says “this is just how I am”, keeps making the same mistakes, not willing to be enlighten, and is not inclined to step out of his comfort zone, isn't my type.

Having a comfort zone is great, but never wanting to leave it doesn't expose you to any new possibilities. You can still keep parts of your comfort zone, just be open enough to expand it. And if this makes you think I’m being invasive and wanting you to change, I’m not your type. If I’m wanting you to step out of your box, it's because I want you to have a new experience, a new vision, a new feeling, a new perspective. If you don’t want it, that’s fine — I don’t want you.

There are people who think things in theory, but in practice it’s different. For instance, in theory they believe they are open minded, but in practice they want to stick to their original thoughts. In theory they think they're not young minded, but in practice they like being part of a younger crowd and connecting to their level. In other words, practice what you preach. I can't stand when a man who contradicts himself or when I mirror his same behavior, but takes offense to it even though he downplayed my feeling when he did the same (yes this has happened so many times in my experiences with men). — Like, you can allow a girl to be all over you, but when a man is showing me that same attention, you want make it seem like it’s poor character on my part. So why wasn’t it poor character on your part? Although, in reality, if sleeping with someone, I’m not going to allow any other man in my face and I’d definitely not do that in front of him. So if you're the kind of man who encourages a woman to entertain other men so you can justify entertaining other women, I’m not your type. I don't know how open relationships work, but even if I were in one, I still wouldn't want my man to talk about his time with other women or tell me to go meet other men.

Overall, we all have a type and it’s the nuances in our personalities that make the difference of what we can and cannot work with someone else's personality. You want someone who balances you and there's a good chance that they won’t be exactly like you, that’s the beauty of it. I don’t want to be with someone just like me, I do want us to have common interests, but I also want us to have our own interests that we still support. I’m not the type to push you to change, I’m the type to show you that change can be good.

*Unless you want me to give you a son to carry on your name, don’t do this. 😼