Girl Cliques

“ALFA women don’t travel in packs. Or don’t always need someone with them.”

Some of you noticed that I really do not mention my girl friends a lot and that I speak of my guy friends more and you’re right, I do. That’s because I do have more guy friends than I do girl friends and I hang out with my boys more. I think as far as my demeanor goes, I mesh a lot better with my guys, but I also have great times with my girls. I just don’t always move the same way many women. Let me explain…

There’s been a few scenarios where I am hanging out with some girl friends and some of them seem to focus on finding a man to pay for our drinks, food, etc. I’m not like that, if I am stepping out, I can afford to do what ever it is I decide to do. I don’t seek out making an acquaintance with a man to talk him into covering a tab. I also don’t invite guys out with the motive of getting him to pay for my stuff. Or I know some women who will tell their friends to come hang out because they are going to meet a guy who is going to cover everything. It is generous if a man is willing to do that, but that should be the main reason why women go out. And I hate for women to encourage their friends to talk to men simply because the men have money or are wealthy. I HAVE MONEY. I’M GOOD 👍🏽. And a lot of women like to travel in groups or do not like to be alone. I LOVE coming and going by myself. I am not on anyone’s time and I can leave whenever I want to. I’m not waiting on anyone and no one is waiting on me.

Being Happy With Me

And not feeling like I need to be part of a group or needing someone around me all the time.

I love the women I have become friends with, but my relationships with them are completely different than my relationships with my guys. I feel like female friends require more time and attention. They require a lot of engagement otherwise you're not part of their “clique” or you're acting funny 😐. Sometimes I like to hang out, sometimes I don't. And sometimes I like to talk about things and sometimes I don’t.

And another thing about women is that they seem to always want to know the specific details in your personal life. Do you ever listen to what women talk about with each other? Most of it is just fluff when it’s not about anything substantial. And some of it is also just gossip. I don’t even tell my best friends everything, so I definitely won’t share a lot with those who I’m not too close to. For example, only a few people know about the Athlete and even fewer people know about Poppa. And I rarely ever say their first names.🤐

Like one of them could be sitting next to me and if I’m talking to one of my close friends, I’ll use their nicknames and I won’t say that I'm actually talking about the man next to me! 😝

I may speak about many topics on here, but there's still a level of privacy I like to keep. Even when I talk about the men I’ve been involved with, I never share specific details about them for a few reasons, 1. I want to respect their privacy too. 2. I don't owe the public any details. 3. I really don’t know who all visits my site. There may be people who know me personally looking for certain information, I don’t know. Yeah, I have a public platform but there's still a veil I like to keep over my life.

Some friends know some details about me and other friends know different details about me. I don’t share the same information with everyone I know. And I don't show people everything I’m doing. And I am not one who feels the need to take pictures of everything I’m doing when I’m out (Well except when I'm eating, I like taking pictures of my food 😝). Other than that, I like to just enjoy the moment. I don’t always need pictures every minute. Sadly, I know some men are like this too, posting pictures or videos of their outings. No, I’ll pass.

Again, I love the women I’ve made friendships with, but I don’t prefer to be in anyone's clique. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I talk back

“If we cannot communicate effectively. We can’t communicate.”

I was having a conversation with someone the other day and we were talking about relationships, and I said somethings that I never said out loud before. Now most of you already know I only claim one relationship as the serious one and that was my marriage. But I have been involved with other men who I loved and some I didn't love. And the person I was having a conversation with ask me why none of those relationships ever became too serious and my response was this:

“After my divorce I worked so hard to get my life in order and back on track to where I now have good stability and I don’t want that to be ruined by anyone who will make my life unstable.”

I Worked Hard For This

My space (mentally and physically) is not a want, it’s a NEED. Be just as valuable as my space and my time.

There's a lot of allure to having fun with someone because when the fun is over, we just go back to our own lives, but then there's that companionship that you can miss out on and I think that's where it gets complicated for me, because I do enjoy that companionship, someone who knows me privately or knows things that others may not know.

Because I've worked hard to get my life to where it's at and I did it by myself, I have become comfortable with wanting and needing my space. So in a lot of the situations I had with men, something would happen where I have to decide between the companionship or my space. I want companionship as much as I want my space, but depending on what type of issue I’m having with someone, I'll choose me first, therefore wanting my space outweighs wanting that companionship.

And I really do hate arguing to no end where nothing is getting resolved. I like sharing my thoughts, but I don't like the feeling of not being heard and a man continuing to avoid me. I don't like when a man jumps over what I’m trying to say and only wants to defend what he said or did. And when that happens I feel inclined to keep going with my thoughts…because if you're not going to listen to me, what purpose does it bring to only listen to your opinions, is it about you? Or is it about us and how we can communicate effectively?

But here’s something I want you all to ponder on…Women who are very vocal about their opinions, are seen by men as someone who wants the center stage or dramatic, but is it that she just doesn't feel heard and understood that she feels she need to be more radical with her thoughts?

I jokingly used the phrase, “I talk back” which in meaning is the essence of I’m a strong minded individual and I've developed critical thinking skills that allow me to think beyond the surface. I never just read a news headline and take it for face value, there's always more to a story. That's why when people tell me things that are vague or ambiguous, I know there's something more they don’t want to share for whatever reason. Maybe they don’t want any feedback or opinions or maybe they're ashamed about something. When I share something I am opening it up to any questions and feedback that may come along. I may not necessarily be making it your business, I’m just sharing something with you and I’m allowing you to give your opinion on it. I’ll let you know if you're curiosity is going to far.

In any case, a woman talking back shouldn't be confused with a woman sharing her thoughts and feelings. Men are always quick to shut us down because society deems a woman being vocal as being nagging or emotional. Sometimes when I really frustrated or angry I begin to cry because there's so much on my mind and my heart that I can't get it all out at once, and most men don’t give patience to that. So women are just supposed to stay quiet and go along with whatever a man says?

Don’t Dismiss Her

When a woman is expressing herself, give her time to get it out.

Fellas, if you're not doing something right by a woman, there's good chance she feels it and will say something about it, don’t be dismissive of her feelings. Pay attention to the fact she notices you and notices when something is off about you. Don’t automatically become irritated because you don’t want to deal with her concerns, if she loves you, her concerns are about YOU and if you don’t have the same types of concerns for her, then you need to make some decisions and let her know what those decisions are. Otherwise, you're going to keep having the same arguments over and over again.

Look, I’m not giving any advice, I'm just thinking practically. This is why I don't like to get too involved with someone too quickly, because again, I’ll choose my space if a man isn't reassuring me that he's worth more than that. Especially if you start to act funny or play games with me, then I’m just going to fall back into my hole and depending on how long I've know you, there's a chance you may never hear from me again. In some scenarios, if I feel that you're not worth it, I'm not going to talk back.

Be safe out there.

One of you said, “Diddy is also still out there having babies.” - I completely forgot he just had a newborn! Listen, I can still very much have more children, but I choose not to. And I am NOT willing not compromise on that.

Marriage

A reader asked if I would consider marriage again and the topic has come up a few times amongst my friends. The simple answer is, No. But, it's not because there aren't any men worth marrying, there's plenty. For me it’s more of the idea that I have already accomplished so much in my life that I would have to slow down my ambitions in some way to accommodate a partner, not that I cannot have a supportive partner, but rather will there be a imbalance of power in the relationship.

I’m pretty headstrong and once my mind is set on something I see it the whole way through. I have my life arranged in a way that fits my wants and needs, so anyone who I am serious about would need to have the same mindset, not the mentality of going out frequently and wanting attention. Don’t get me wrong, I give myself time to enjoy the nightlife — I need that break every now and then — but I don’t have the tolerance to do it all the time and I don’t need him thinking that I’m lacking something because I rather be home or that he needs to find someone who wants to roam the streets with him, if that is the case, go right ahead sir, knock yourself out. — I'm for the sheets, not the streets (😄 I saw that written somewhere.) There's plenty of females who like to drink, smoke, and party every week, I’m not one of them.

When I am not working or studying, I am usually partaking in a happy hour and getting in the house before dark. When I am home, I clean, lounge, and relax (if I am not responding to emails or calls.) My life is tailor fitted, if I were to include a man there would need to be necessary conversations about how to tailor fit each other. Ya understand? For instance, living arrangements: We can purchase a new shared space like a family home or vacation property, but I don’t want him moving into a space I’ve already setup for myself and to be fair, I am not too keen on moving into a space he’s already setup for himself too. — We can still keep our individual properties.

With that being said, a man would have to be emotionally mature, well accomplished, and be very confident not only with himself but also with me to understand that any distance I show or disagreement we have does not equate to me not thinking about him or being disloyal to him.

One of my closest guy friends says: “You want someone whose life aligns closely with your own as far as achievement and ambitions, because if they are at the beginning of figuring out themselves, their careers, their finances, or even their surroundings, then they are going to look at you and see all that you’ve done and they are going to look to you to provide that same life to them.

Say life is a race and each mile of that race is an accomplishment, a degree, career, house, etc. and there’s three types of people: The ones who help you prepare, the ones who cheered you on while you were running, and the ones at the at the end of the finish line. One person can be 2 of these types or all 3 of these types, but you have to be careful of the person who only shows up at the end; are they trying to help you become better or are they trying to reap your benefits? — We see this scenario a lot with men who become wealthy or well accomplished and get their eyes caught up on the young lady who’s scantly dressed and always ready for a party.

“Oh you have nice things, I want nice things, you can give me nice things too.”

So, do you see my hesitation on the marriage topic? I don’t mind taking on a long-term lover, but even then there needs to be some understanding and set boundaries so that both of us feel appreciated, thought of, and protected.