Just A Few Minutes

“There's men who really don’t appreciate a woman who has her own, they instead go for someone who wants to be his dependent.”

So I saw this statement on one of my social media feeds, take a second to read it.

Fellas, I know some of you are on here and I'll tell you right now, THIS IS SOOOOO ABSOLUTELY TRUE! And let me explain why…

When we are taking care of ourselves, there’s no charade or showboating. We know exactly what we want and exactly what area of the Hello Kitty to focus on. My only audience is me.

The Effort Series

When I tell you this dress turned heads…IT TURNED HEADS!

With a man, and I can only speak for myself, but when I’m with a man I want the full experience, the kissing, touching, hugging, the tease, the foreplay, the talking, I want it all and I want it to last longer than a few minutes. But when it’s just me, there's no need for all of that, I just need to clear my head and it won’t take me long to do that. So yeah, we only need a few minutes. 😼

For those of you who don’t know what a rose is, it’s a toy that looks like a rose and the middle peddle vibrates and moves a different speeds depending on the setting you put it on. This toy has great marketing and has a lot of good reviews and I can tell you it lives up to the hype and all the reviews are accurate. 😼💦

Love Challenge

“I like to engage with people of my caliber. I limit my attention to everyone else.”

So this topic came about after one of you readers suggested I start doing a few things differently to have a fulfilled love life…I love how your guys look out for me. Before I get in to that, to be clear, having a romantic relationship is not one of my top goals and you all know I’m stubborn, right? The last man I was involved with was in 2021. Remember in a previous post I mentioned I had a little back and forth with someone about the timeline of when I was last with a person? I did my research and confirmed my timeline. So the other person is confused and is probably telling the wrong information to make other people feel better…My thought is if you’re going to tell a part of my business, tell it right, don’t just say things to make yourself look better. Because when someone else doesn’t remember the same way, they may have been doing some bs on their end. Just my opinion.

The Effort Series

Coordination is a skill.

Look I want to enjoy my life and if I have to cry or be upset, I rather shed tears for other people who are going through troubles; I’m not shedding tears for myself anymore. And you can still value the history you have with someone, that's beautiful, but if there was any hurt or pain, you have to let that go and be grateful of where you are right now✅️. And with the guy there some things that happened which hurt me, he may have a different perspective and that's okay because today, we’re fine. He was the last significant relationship type of thing I had, but it’s not awkward when I see him.

Anyway, let’s move on. I will take some of these mentioned suggestions into consideration. And I also want to mention that I am starting to come out of my shell just a tad…I mean, I did go on a date a few weeks ago. That’s a start. I think with where I am at in life I can only sparsely dedicate my attention to building a relationship with someone new. I really don’t want to go through getting to know someone with the intention of something happening, I rather hangout with someone when my time permits and make the most of that time and if an intimate relationship develops, that’s okay, BUT I still want us to keep our initial friendly foundation like hanging out casually, talking about different life topics, and enjoying each other outside of sex. I need someone who is of my caliber and can fully understand that I have my life already setup to my preference and I am willing to bend my own rules on some things, but I cannot make compromises that take away from my stability. - A homie, lover, friend, that’s what I would like. (I think I talked about this in previous topics.)

Here are the suggestions made to me:

  1. Meet someone new each month: This won’t be hard because I meet people all the time when I am out because I am very welcoming and open to conversations with people around me although, I usually keep it at that and do not engage into anything further. I could be more open to connecting better with new people.

  2. Go on at least 2 dates a month: Well, I already did one in January, I guess I could be open to this.

  3. Reconnect with someone you already know: I have no comments for this one.

  4. Be more affectionate: I actually had this realization late last year that I am not very physically affectionate although, I am verbally affectionate, so I can improve on this.

  5. Agree to spontaneous trips with someone: Ummmm…this one I am a little hesitant on. Unless I already know the man very well or I’ve already been intimate with him, I am not so sure about just disappearing with a random person for a few days.

  6. Be more flirtatious: I think I am charismatic, but I am fuzzy on what flirting is. Do I just smile and give a man compliments? Or do I say suggestive things? Like if he asks me what I’m doing later do I say Him? Do I give him sultry looks? What defines as flirting that’s not too forward?

  7. Make special time to be with someone special: Well, I can do this. Once I have someone special, I can definitely devote some undivided time to him.

  8. Send good morning and goodnight messages: Again, once I have my homie, lover, friend, I am open to doing this.

Thank you dear reader who send me this list. I’m willing to be open to these things and see what happens.

The Men We Choose

Friendly reminder that this site is for entertainment purposes only. It’s to invoke intrinsic thought and hopefully encourage people to look at different perspectives.

This post has been in my draft folder since last year (I have a few I still have yet to go through), I cannot remember why I started writing it or what I was going through at the time, but the topic has become relevant again….

Set from JLuxLabel (P.S.. - This is what I mean when I say I’m about to make everyone uncomfortable...him, her, every body.)

Okay ladies, let’s lay it all out. Some of our men problems are because of the types of men we choose or are attracted to. A man is going to act and behave in a way that benefits him, even if it hurts or affects other people. Any of you remember the Donnell Jones song, Where I Want To Be? It’s about a man exploring other potential before deciding/realizing the woman for him was the woman who has always been there from him even when he wasn’t available. Love is a battle field to say the least. There were definitely casualties of war while I was with my children’s father and when I was with the athlete…it was ugly. But looking back, I wanted them for different reasons, silly reasons, superficial reasons, unrealistic reasons. I guess at some point we have to be cognizant of how we are choosing our partners. Yes, the men chase us, but we chose if it is them or not and sometimes it’s…not.

No one is perfect and we make mistakes. Mistakes are the stepping stones in life; What? You think you walk on water and have never done anything wrong to anyone? I have no problem defending someone’s mistakes if I feel they genuinely want to be a better person. Hell, I defended my ex’s mistakes for years until I finally woke up and realized he wasn’t changing…sometimes being the ride or die type of woman will damage you mentally before it effects you physically. There is nothing wrong with standing by a man, just make sure he’s standing by you too.

I guess I believe in more than just second chances. My problem may be that I am too flexible with men. I’m not sure why. — Maybe it is because I was raised by my father (only) and witnessed how much pressure men take on. Internally, men are not any stronger than us, but they are expected to be…maybe that’s why I give them a little more time and grace. So is it that we choose the wrong men or is it that we are more agreeable and understanding than they are? Or are there such things as “the wrong man”?

I guess if we take away the romantic aspect, we are left with who the man is entirely. Just like if a man were to not look at us with any sexual interest, who are we as a woman? In our raw core, are we good people? Are we good to people OR are we good to those who are only good to us? Are we quid pro quo or are we only like that to those we sleep or slept with? So maybe the topic should be not just the men we choose, but also the women that men choose. Why do men choose us? We are emotional, jealous, irrational, overbearing, talk too much, overthink nonstop and…..yeah, I’ll say it…crazy. — Hey fellas, WE can call each other crazy, but you can’t call us crazy, got it🤨? Which leads me to decide that I don’t honestly feel I can ask a man to agree to a special arrangement (see last post for reference: Self-Care, Peace and The V Care). I’m sorry, I cannot bring myself to do it. It’s like being a place card for each other but neither of us are each other’s plus-ones. I may just need to think more on it.

My friend told me if I blink the wrong way this top will show everything. Lol. This is one of those outfits you wear for girls’ night or for someone special.

If I am going to hang out with a guy friend, that’s it, we’ll just be hanging out. I can’t be casual with my intimacy, — I’m either all about you (us) or I’m only about me. If I’m the one making more compromises, that’s not right, don’t have me folding when you don’t even have a good hand (poker reference). I’m a catering person, I like making sure the people around me are taken care of, so if I am sleeping with someone, I not only want to cater to him but I also want assurance that the sentiments are mutual…I don’t want to see you hugging on someone if I was just wrapped around you the other night, because then how am I to know if you’re getting involved with someone else if your eating up the attention right in front of me? — I don’t entertain involved men. There are still such things as STDs😒.

Nah, I’m not choosing any man right now. If he’s confident and strong enough, he’ll need to chose me and present me with something I’m willing to accept, otherwise I can only offer funny conversations and very…. 👀 intriguing outfits😁. I dare a man to approach me with a special arrangement and don’t come with me with any bs. I guess it may have something to do with my inner need for someone to lead and take control. I make so many decisions throughout the day that it would be great for a man to lay out what we are going to do and not make me feel like I’m requiring too much or make me feel insignificant to his life. And with all my current guy friends, I don’t want to change anything with them, they are great the way things are. So I’m not choosing any damn man, he’s going to have to chose me and we are going to go through ALL of each other’s growing pains together. 🥴

The Gatsby Man

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When you hear the name Gatsby, you probably think about extravagant parties. The story F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote is loosely based on his relationship with his wife, Zelda Fitzgerald. The book is a love story, a sad love story and it is one of my favorites. Jay Gatsby is a fictional character, he is an idea, but it is the realism of a man who will do anything when he is in love — at least I think that is what the author was trying to convey. A man in love may not do the same things as Gatsby did to win back Daisy, but a man may do irrational things to prove to a woman how much he admires her. There is something thrilling about that.

Naked Wardrobe: Search “A Real Catch”

A friend recently said to me, “Raya. I don’t think you’ve ever been in love. You may have loved people and you know what love is, but you never been in love.” — To which I gracefully nodded. Being in love warps your thinking, it’s similar to being in lust which also has you doing things you would not normally do, but when you are in love, you do things that change the long term effects of your life. For instance, Gatsby created businesses and bought a huge house with housekeepers and servants just to prove to Daisy he can give her everything she needs. He spent years making enough money and kept track of her to one day get the chance to convince her to be with him. Does that sound crazy? And is it crazy if you are in love?

Yes, I’ve done things I’ve never done or normally would not do for men I have been involved with, but the list was short. And each man did not get all the same benefits. For instance, I gave my ex children, I didn’t give anyone else kids (but that is more logical reasoning than anything else). Another man I knew worked late hours and he would call on his way home just to talk. I’d be sleeping most of the time, but I kept my ringer on so I wouldn’t miss his call. I’ve not done that with anyone else. You see, I don’t believe everyone is the same because everyone isn't the same, hence not every man is the same. And ladies, do we agree that each man we’ve been involved with has brought out something different in us that the other man has not done before?

But what if Gatsby wasn't Gatsby? What if he was an average man, with an average living wage? Or less? What would this kind of man do to gain the love of his sweetheart? I think he’d be more creative. I think he’d pay more attention to what she likes and find a way to make her smile without superficial objects. Gatsby could afford anything Daisy wanted and with Daisy being the character that she is in the book, she validated luxury with love. I think I would rather someone listen to my interests and surprise me with what he comes up with.

My friends and I talked about love languages recently. There are 5 of them:

  1. Words of Affirmation: Saying words of encouragement, support, and confirmation.

    • This is the language I speak the most. I believe saying good things to people goes a long way. *One of the main attributes that I'm aware of within myself is that I can be great with words or I can be vicious with words and that is because my intellect extends beyond spoken language. I read people.

  2. Gifts: Giving little or big presents to someone, depending on the person's likes.

    • I like giving gifts that relate to the person in some way. I feel like it’s confirmation of what I’ve noticed about them and I appreciate people who do the same for me.

  3. Physical Touch: Hugs, cuddling, holding hands, etc.

    • I am really not an affectionate person, but when I really like someone, I’m more willing to show and receive physical affection.

  4. Quality Time: Giving someone your undivided attention.

    • This probably the one I cherish most. When someone chooses to spend their time with me and we just enjoy each other's company it means the world to me.

  5. Acts of Service: Doing nice things for someone.

    • The is another one I hold high regards for. I love it when someone does little things that help make my day go by easier.

I believe I speak all these languages and I’d want all these languages spoken to me. So the Gatsby type of man is not the ideal man, he’s a fantasy, a void, a romantic idea, a superficial feeling. I don't want a Gatsby, I want a partner. A partner in compassion, a partner in consideration, a partner in understanding, a partner in love.