Wifely Duties (NSFW)

'“My kitty doesn’t beat for a handsome man. It beats for a man who shows me he’s an honorable man.”

Let’s start March with a bang. If you are at work please do not listen to this on speakerphones.

I love when you readers send me questions and want my opinions. A woman wrote to me saying that she has not been in the mood for a long time and she is starting to feel like her husband is pulling away from her. She says he is a good man, he works hard, he is very catering to her and isn’t the type of man who thinks a woman’s place is at home, cooking and clean. He does his fair share of maintaining their home too and he’s a great father to their kids. So she wants to know what she should do because she loves her husband, but she just hasn’t been feeling like getting down in the bedroom.

Ok, I am about to be raw with you guys so please don’t listen if you are overly sensitive to certain terms…

The Effort Series

I really did have fun with this red color.

Baby…ain’t shit out here in these streets. There is piss all up an down these roads, okay. 90% of these men will waste your time and just want you at their convenience. Their penises come with bs that you don’t need especially if you are a woman who has her shit together, career, home, healthy bank accounts, things like that. That dick that comes with the bs, isn’t stable dick and will also make you unstable. The other 10% may or may not be single. And the ones who are single are probably 25 years old, like the young man I’ve been telling you about. His grown is not the same as my grown, and if I give him some of me, I’m going to snatch his soul. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want that on my conscious, so I am going to spare him. But honey, back to your marriage, it sounds like you have a great man. First thing I suggest is to go to the doctor, your gyn, to get everything checked out and tell your doctor what’s going on. It may be health related. If there is an issues, get it solved and if there isn’t, the next thing you need to do is go get some lingerie, some oils, candles, and some sensory toys. Then get a babysitter, book you a nice hotel room, get some room service and take care of your husband! Arch you back, get on your knees, lick it up, swallow it, do the most on your husband. Let him know that your body wants him and how much you appreciate all that he does for you and your family. Because like I said, AIN’T SHIT OUT HERE IN THESE STREETS!

Ladies, we cannot get too high and mighty and letting other people get in our heads about not catering to your good man. That “City Girl” life…leave it to the city girls, they just want to frolic and have fun and that’s work for some women, because their life ain’t your life. You have to face what you currently have. And if you have a good man at home, let him know it.

Thank you for listening to my TED Talk.

Is this how defensive women get these days? “Why are you texting him?” - Girl, stop sneaking on his phone and hand it back to him.

100/50/0

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How much should you give to a relationship? Any relationship? 100%? 50%? 0%? I think this question is very situational because it depends on the factors of your relationship with someone. Even work relationships are push and pull and it varies with what the tasks there are. In my friendships I do try to give my best efforts to let people know I care and want to be present for them and be as supportive as I can. Although, I look at my intimate relationships a little different, because I categorize them right above friendships and right below family (unless there is a ring involved, then it gets moved up to family.)

For instance, there have been a few times where I was a guest for my girl friends’ events and even though I was not hosting, I still went around to see if other guests needed anything and made sure they were comfortable and enjoying themselves. I felt like as a friend, I wanted to be helpful and fill in where I saw gaps. There was also a time I was out of town at a tailgating event with someone I was seeing and then, we had only known each other for a few months then and even though he did not ask me to help with anything, I still made sure people had food, drinks, trash was collected, and the little details for taken care of. — Maybe this is just part of my character? I just feel inclined to not just show up, but also be involved. *I also made a point to pay for part of the hotel expenses because I did not want him to think I was taking advantage of his financial contributions. I don’t like being one of those women who’s just there to be pretty. And like I said, we were still new to each other and I did not want to give him the wrong impression of me.

I believe when I am in the moment with someone, I give my all, my time, my attention, etc. But that does not necessarily mean I am giving 100% all the time. You will get my undivided attention when needed. It would not be realistic to give you all of me all the time. When I am in front of you or directly interacting with you, that is when you are getting 100% of me. When I am not around you, I am delegating myself between other things that need my consideration and efforts. I also pay very close attention on who makes plans to spend time with me or if I am always the one who reaches out and makes an effort. Especially if I am going through some things, I notice who decides not to be present for me, I read people even from a distance. I can still be kind to those people and speak to them with love, but I'm cognizant about keeping a wall up with them. — If you can't handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.

Anyway back to the numbers. I think many times these ratios are being confused with finances and how much of your monetary assets you are bringing to the relationship in exchange for intangible benefits, for example, a man who pays all the bills and a woman who maintains the home and family routines. This arrangement works for many couples, but I tend to want to bring sustainable assets to the relationship too. I want a man to do for me because I bring something of value to him, but I also do not want it thrown in my face if he ever feels that my contributions are not equal to his. Just like with anything else, this is a working relationship. — Discuss your objectives, address any concerns, and develop solutions.

However you believe the percentage should be, you want the other person to be on the same page as well. Because you do not want to be solely dependent on someone or someone to be solely depending on you, whether is financial or mental. It can be draining and cause resentment or conflicts in your relationships. It should not be where it’s “If you do for me then I will do for you.” This isn’t a quid pro quo matter, you guys know what quid pro quo means, right? Everyone here old enough to know what pink slips are? Anyway, rather it should be in your relationships, “Let’s do for each other and help one another fill in the gaps.”

Listen, out in the world, I’m strong, driven, and independent, but if I’m in a relationship or have a lover and we’re in the house, I want my man…ALL OF HIM. I want to be close to him, snuggle up with him, smell his manly scent, feed him, ask about his day, know what was his favorite cereal as a kid, find out what mixtapes he used to have, scratch the back of his neck, kiss on his face, sit on his lap and just be all over him…yeah, I want to smother and suffocate him with my love. I want to throw him a party and show up as the gift! 😅 This is why I believe you should not share your intimate self with everyone because I want to be able to give all my good energy to one man and I only want one man touching me.

And here is some unsolicited advice, you can take or you can throw it out: Don’t want the relationship more than you want the man. Let that twirl in your mind for a bit. It’s not going to mean the same for everyone. I tell my girl friends who are married and have good husbands who love and take care of them to not lose sight of their man because a lot of things out here are garbage. — Trust me, I see it everywhere. You guys do what is best for you. Be safe out there.

Don't Give Everyone Access (RECAP)

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I wrote, Don’t Give Everyone Access in July 2020. And for whatever reason, ever since it’s been published it has been the most viewed each month. I do not know what's drawing people to it, I did not reveal any hidden secrets about life. I just talked about being aware of who is deserving of your time. I also mentioned that sometimes people need more time to become better versions of themselves and that the best way to do that is to give each other the separate space to grow. I gave an example of people falling apart and coming back together as better people, better friends, better partners. But I did advise that not everyone who goes in different directions are destined to come back together. Sometimes people grow apart and stay apart.

I attended a wedding recently 💍. My friend who got married reconnected with an old boyfriend after not seeing each other for several years and obviously they both became better lovers. They each had time to grow separately and figure out what they wanted in a relationship and after reconnecting and spending time together, they decided that being together is right for them. I am beyond happy for the newlyweds and the wedding was perfect. THE DETAILS! THE FCKN DETAILS! I FCKN LOVE MY FRIEND. She had 5ft tall letters that spelled out their names, she had floral wall installations for photo opportunities for her guest, and each seat at the table had goodies such a our names in acrylic cutouts, and since the husband is a DJ, the placemats were in the shape of vinyl records with a photo of the bride and groom in the center. I could go on and on about the visuals. OH AND HER RING!!! OMG HER RING!!! And her husband is so amazing and absolutely loves her, they’ve been together a few years so I’ve come to love him just as much as I love her. At the reception, he was encouraging us girls to get together because it's been too long since we all hung out. And I know he said this because he knows how much his wife cherishes her friendships. - Yes, sir we will make it happen! 🥰These two are the definition of falling apart and coming back together even better. And I am so happy my friend gave it another chance. 💝

On the other hand, another person I knew was in and out of a fling with a man for many years. Even though he would give her the impression he wanted a relationship with her, he never made it official, never asked her to be his girlfriend, and never claimed her as such to anyone. So the last time I was made aware of her reconnecting with him, he came back married and she continued to entertain him 🤬! Of course this goes against my own personal morals, but what really made me decide to distance myself from this woman was how she completely had no regard for the wife and said, “I don’t care how she feels. She took what I wanted.” after I asked her a question in hopes she would realize that what she’s doing is wrong. 😲😡 I. Was. Disgusted.

It toiled in my gut the next 24 hours. I was hurt, disappointed, and shocked at this person who speaks of women's empowerment, independence, strength, and support, but yet she wasn't fully exercising this in her personal life. I knew I could never look at her the same way. I never met the man, but anytime she would give me a recap of their conversations and time together, I knew what he was doing. 🙄 And I’m sure he knew it too. She made it all to easy for him to keep circling back around to her without offering anything substantial, but she always tried to defend her decisions by saying they are leading to a relationship or they talked about a relationship or that he did something to keep her hopeful; I saw through that too. I don’t know what their situation or status is as of today, I haven't spoken to the woman in over 2 years and at that time I remember thinking to myself, “God isn't going to bless her with a good husband.” Today, I still have no intention to be close friends with someone who romanticizes a future with a married man.

My wedding look - Dress: ShopMicas.com | Blazer: Valentino

I know women who are only interested in being with married men because of the noncommittal aspect of it and they just have fun with the men without anything too serious. I don’t agree with this either, but I understand it more than wanting to take a man from his wife or fanaticizing a life with him.

In this woman’s particular scenario, she wasn’t having fun. Her plans for him almost seemed premeditated. She should have never given that man so much access to her because each time he came back around, he expected her to let him back into her life — and she did without fail claiming to want closure and answers on why he keeps stringing her along. No, they didn't have any children together or have any shared common property. They were just two separate people who took advantage of each other’s willingness and lack of rationale. I was exhausted with it. If they at least had 1 child together, I may have been a little more empathetic, but no, it was just her having issues taking care of herself and trying to validate her own self value and him with several kids, different women, and a marriage that may or may not have been having issues; I think this was his 2nd marriage….Hmmm, I sense a pattern with that man. How about you? — Yeah, I too love it when men lie to me to keep me close to them. 🙄 Stupid. 😒 But to be honest, it is a good feeling to think you're the only one he wants even if it’s not all the way true.

When a man doesn't really value you he’s going to use you fill any voids he has and make you believe that by including you he sees you for everything you are when really you're just everything for the moment to him. You shouldn't allow him that privilege. Some may say it's best to live for the moment, I agree but only to a certain extent. Because if you keep having the moments where you’re intertwined in each others social life and personal life and nothing comes of it then you have a laundry list of, “What that hell am I doing?”

Although, this wasn’t the only reason I stopped all communication with the woman. After that last conversation, I reflected back on our friendship and I realized there were way too many times I tried to coax her out of whatever rut she was in and coddled her self-esteem issues. I didn't know it while I was in it, but that friendship was draining a lot of my energy and with the married man to top it all off, I just needed to step away and stay away. I don’t wish anything ill on people, I hope that woman is doing what's best and finds or has happiness. I just cannot have someone in my immediate circle who is motivated on hurting someone or has malicious intent for their own gain.

I’m my initial post in 2020, I listed things people can take from you:

  • Your energy

  • Your confidence

  • Your hard work

  • Your finances

  • Your rewards

  • YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

but I want to add these three:

  • Your time

  • Your values

  • Your good judgment

Without realizing it, people can change you for the worst because you see the good in them, because you are close to them, because you want to understand them, because they depend on you, because you want to be there for them. But people can really suck the life out of you and then you have nothing to give to yourself. If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us, but that’s no excuse to deplete yourself in order to appease someone else.

Everyone doesn't have access to me and can’t have access to me because I won’t allow it. My personal time, my personal space, my personal growth, my personal healing is just what is stated…personal. And guess what, you don’t have to get personal with everyone you know.

My Phone Code

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One of my guilty pleasure is that I like to scroll through my social media accounts for mindless entertainment. Much of it is silly pet videos but others things that make my laugh are the women posting advice, tips, and horror stories about dating and men.

Ladies, if you have not picked up on this yet….MEN ARE STUPID. Not stupid in the sense they cannot do math or tie their shoes, but stupid in the sense they don’t always know how to talk to us or handle us. It’s like when a man gets around a woman all his common sense escapes his body. Although to be fair, women are a mixed bag, but that does not excuse the foolish ways men act around women. Even seeing a half naked woman makes them a little brain dead.

Anyway, more about my guilty pleasure. There’s this trending argument about whether or not to look through a man’s phone. My personal thought is, DON’T DO IT. Unless you are law enforcement or an emergency responder trying to get the last contact number for a victim, you should not be looking through anyone’s phone but your own.

Some women argue, “Well, how do I know if he’s lying to me or not?” - B*TCH, YOU KNOW IF A MAN IS LYING TO YOU WITHOUT NEEDING TO GO THROUGH HIS PHONE. If you don’t want to trust your own instincts, then go ahead and keep making yourself crazy. But let's look at this at 2 different angles…

  • If he's not doing anything, you're going to damage the relationship by lacking trust and confidence in him. Plus, if he has a female friend like me, you're going to think my text messages have some ulterior motives because I can use very loving words towards my friends such as, “My dear”, “My love”, “All my love to you”, “Thank you for being a gentleman”, “Thank you for thinking of me”, etc. If a woman were to see that, she's going to think something is going on. But what she won't see is how I still keep my distance with my friends who are married and in relationships; I won't contact them after a certain hour, nor on the weekends unless we're hanging out on the weekend, and I don't behave suggestively when I'm around them other than giving a hug and being excited to see them, I don't throw myself on them. But I can be very affectionate towards my guy friends.

  • If he is doing something, what exactly do you plan to do with the information you found? Are you going to leave him? Are you going to stay and always be second guessing everything he says? We know the saying ignorance is bliss. If you are happy, he's making you happy, you give each other space and still spend quality time together, people know you're together, and he's taking care of you, why ruin your own happiness? *I'm not advocating you stay with someone who breaks your heart, tears you down, makes you feel unvalued, and constantly has you questioning his feelings for you. I'm saying there is always going to be gray clouds in a relationship no matter what the issue is, but if he's doing his best to keep those clouds from blocking your sunlight or he's holding an umbrella over you when the rain comes, then love him for that. (I’m using a lot of metaphors here, I hope you're catching the underlying messages.)

I think myself as being realistic meaning men are men. They look at women, they talk to women, they flirt with women. I see it, I experience it. ALL. THE. TIME. And to be fair to the men, they blindly do it not always realizing what they're doing, granted sometimes men can take it too far, but I'll still never go through a man's phone. Because guess what, when you go looking for something you're going to find it even if it's not what you believe it is, but the fact that you'll grasp onto anything that supports your suspicion, whatever you find even if it's innocent, you're going to turn it into a mess.

For anyone I end up with, I can only hope he is the type of man who won't let anything or anyone come to my doorstep, call my phone, or approach me in any type of way and hold something over me as if I'm the one that's losing. If he's heart is with me then his actions with show it. It will be an element of pride for him to secure our relationship to know he has someone great and whoever tries to interfere won't reach their goals. They may claim a few fun moments, but they won't be able to claim him. — Am I making any sense? Are you guys understanding me? Ladies, hopefully you're not passing too many judgements against me. All I'm saying is, if you're relationship is good, let it be good. Don't let those dark suspicions have you going through his phone.

Stay Unbroken

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DISCLAIMER: This post is just for laughs. Please do not take any content seriously.

Ladies, here are sure fire ways to keep from getting your heart broken.

Shirt is from a Woman Owned Small Business in Philadelphia, PA - forthejawns.com

  1. If he sends you a text message and you instantly start smiling when you see his name, ABORT MISSION and BLOCK HIM! Those are feelings coming to surface and you don’t have time for feelings! 🙃

  2. If he asks you to come hang out with just him, DON’T DO IT!! It's a trap. You'll end up having a good time, you’ll start liking his company and then when he’s not available, you’re going to wonder if he’s out with another heffa. 😳

  3. If he comments on how soft your skin looks, GIRL JUST WALK AWAY and don’t let him touch nothing on you! 🚫

  4. If he calls you Beautiful or uses other terms of endearment like Babe or Baby Girl, RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK! Those are ‘warming her up’ terms and we don’t need that nonsense!🏃🏽‍♀️

  5. If he asks you about your day, DON’T RESPOND. He’s trying see where he can fit into that day. 👀

  6. If he tells you to come over because he made dinner, STAY HOME! You’ll wake up the next morning wearing his t-shirt. 🥴

  7. If he says, “You’re good people.” IT’S A MIND TRICK! What he’s really saying is that you probably are good at keeping secrets and not telling people you’re fooling around so he can tell people nothing is going on between you two. 😵‍💫

  8. If you catch him looking at you and doesn’t say anything ACT STUPID like you didn’t notice him lusting on you because if you engage in whatever he is thinking about you’ll be undoing your bra strap for him later than night! 🙈

  9. If he asks you, “Why are you running from me?” when you keep ducking his advances, that’s him trying to smoothly assert his dominance and ladies we all do get a weakness for those dominate men. DON’T FALL FOR IT! 😵

  10. If you need some handy work done around the house and he offers to come over to help, B*TCH CALL A HANDY MAN and let that man stay his ass home. If he comes over to start fixing things, he’ll make his way to fixing you! 🙉

Again this is just for laughs. At the end of the day, you are in control of who gets in your bed or whose bed you wake up in. And honestly, all those things above sound appealing, but I am not open to having anyone play with my time and my emotions. I give too much for someone not to give the same back. I recall someone said to me, “It’s always all about YOU.” — I had to really pause on that and try to reflect back on anytime I DIDN’T compromise or make adjustments to make THAT person more comfortable, but yet I guess it wasn’t good enough since they tried to gaslight me like their action were always justified…which they weren’t. That statement really bothered me and hurt my feelings, but it was a while ago and water under the bridge now. That person obviously didn’t pay attention to who I am and most likely didn't value me, but ironically only thought about what they wanted from me.

Moving on. Again, you are in control of who you entertain. There is no perfect person which means there is no perfect relationship or connection. And on a serious note, if you look passed the red flags or lower your standards below your comfort levels for someone, you're really opening yourself to be hurt. Although, pain does teach us valuable lessons. Have fun, but be mindful.

Off Limits

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Remember last time I said, “I don’t like a controlling or jealous man, but I love a man who knows he wants me and won't let anyone else the opportunity.” When you're sleeping with someone shouldn't it be common rule that you are off limits to their friends? For instance none of his friends should be trying anything with you or flirting with you in any suggestive manner.

Even if there is a man I used to be involved with, but not anymore, I’m still not allowing any of his good friends have me. — Here is where my limits are…I don’t allow myself to sleep with a man who is 1 or 2 degrees of separation from the guy I used to sleep with. EXAMPLE: His bestfriends, people he knows well, or anyone in his immediate circle are 1st degree separation. If those people have friends who he also knows well enough and hangs out with from time to time, they are 2nd degree. So again 1st and 2nd degrees are 🚫 Off Limits. 3rd degree would be people he knows in passing, but even then it's a toss up.

I feel if his friends are getting too close for comfort there's a few reasons why...

  • He’s doesn't feel there is anything serious between you two; in which case he is likely telling other women the same thing 😒

  • He does not have plans to be serious with you, but stringing you along and bending the truth so you can still have sex 😔

  • He already has something serious with someone else and you are just the “fun time” for the meantime 😧

You should also be off limits to any past women or messy friends who want to put negative thoughts in your head about a man you’re sleeping with.

The main reason I put this on the men is because of my personal belief that men set the tone in a relationship (I know I’ve said this several times before.) You see, when men do not make it clear to their friends about you it’s because they don’t want it to be clear with you or anyone else. Don’t feed into the bs if he says something like, “I don’t want people in my business” — There is a way to let people know what’s going on without letting them know exactly what’s going on. 😕

Relax, it’s just legs with some cellulite and stretch marks, but I still put a censored banner across for those easily offended. 😒

There are some men who will never be clear with you. I know a guy who has a wife/ex-wife who still publicly claims their marriage/family is fully intact although, he claims differently. I don’t know what the truth is, not my situation, not my business, but apparently she believes in something he doesn’t and he believes in something she doesn’t so there will be some type of conflict with any woman that man gets involved with. My ex and I are very clear that we are not together, that is the one thing we strongly agree on so there is no confusion with our status.

At my age, there are an equal amount of people who are married, never married, divorced, and single so there can be a lot of confusion and baggage in my “dating pool”. And with social media and dating apps, there’s no telling who is telling the truth and who is hiding unnecessary secrets. I like a little mystery and I’m very understanding, but I don’t like when people take advantage of that and try to twist their truth to keep me interested. I have a good friend who I know I’ve mentioned a few times, he’s very fun to be around, I’ve known a good amount of years, he’s a safe person to hang out with, and I’ve seen him in his tom foolery elements, but one time I told him I don’t need to know everything about him and that I require a level of mystery between us. He laughed, but he understood exactly what I was saying. — I’m also not and never have slept with him so things that I may want to know about a man I’m intimate with isn’t going to be the same things I want to know about my platonic friends…are you guys following what I’m trying to say? — I don’t need to know everything, but don’t keep everything from me.

Dear Future Beau, put it on cruise control. (P.S. - I tell my friends if they invite me somewhere and I can’t show titties, thighs, or both, then I ain't coming out. 😁)

I’m also at an age where the mind games are ridiculous. It’s really simple, you either like me or you don’t. If you like me, tell me, if I like you the same let’s go from there and communicate further. If you like me, but have someone else who believes she’s with you, then handle that first because I don’t need a woman upset with me because she feels I damaged her relationship. — That nonsense should also be off limits to me and I don’t want any parts of that situation. In the same sense, if I’m the woman you are with then I don’t need any random woman approaching me about what you did when I wasn’t around…handle that too because I should not have to deal with any outside noise inside our relationship. If I ask you about something, that’s letting you know it got to me and you need to tie up those lose ends. -- This is why I’m going to keep myself to myself; men are out here being reckless. Plus, COVID is still alive and well along with Monkey Pox now, I don't want anyone's cooties. 😷 (The last time I ended up in the hospital I…nvm. Just keep any illnesses away from me, please.)

If you don’t know how to manage any type of intimate relationship then you don’t know how to manage your life because people are moving parts of your life that either make it fulfilled or complicated. But you get to chose how complicated you want your life to be. Am I wrong? 🤔

Hard Truths

Everyone wants the truth, but can you handle it? (Remember that movie? 😏) Sometimes the truth hurts. Are we justified to being sensitive over it? Here are a list of things to think about and how to not allow them to diminish your confidence or well being.

Ladies, I’m going to start with this one first….

He’s Not That Into You.

I forgot how long my hair used to be. May be time to let it grow again.

You may be gorgeous, independent, and have a lot going for you, but if you only hear from him or see him when you reach out to him, then it is possible you are not in the forefront of his thoughts. Yeah he could be busy and attending to other parts of his life, but if he likes you, he’ll make a way to spend time with you and not just after hours or only indoors where it’s just the two of you, nothing wrong with that, but if those are the only times he is willing to see you then…..ya might want to cut your losses.

  • Men are simple creatures, but they have their complex moments. Yeah, it can be frustrating if you really like a guy and he doesn’t seem to like you back the same way. Yet, you have to ask yourself why are you so intrigued by him? Why do you want to be so invested?

  • If he’s not randomly calling/texting you and asking about your day or seeing when the next time you are available, which are basic communication principals, then sweetheart…move on. Also, not to be more cynical, but if he's acting questionable, he may have a girlfriend or wife you don’t know about. — Trust me, I’ve seen this with enough men…some of them are my friends 😒. (I’m sorry ladies, they’re out of control, but they are still good people. And Fellas, if you're here too, I keep telling you guys: Tell the woman the truth and let her decide what to do with it.)

  • SIDE STORY: Musical Artist, Jeezy, married talk show host Jeanie Mai, recently and while they were dating, my sister mention how good he is to her. How sweet and caring he is to her. The way he looks at her, the way he treats her, etc. My response to my sister was: THAT’S HOW A MAN IS SUPPOSED TO BE TOWARDS A WOMAN HE IS DATING OR LIKES. 🤦🏽‍♀️

*Although, you can take the above information with a grain of salt considering I curved about 7 men since the beginning of this year. And towards the end of last year I was closed off to everyone and everything, so I am not the best source for dating answers. There was nothing wrong with the men, all of them were sweet, wanted to take me out, complimented me, asked to know more about me….I just wasn’t interest. Also, I’m about to embark of something that is going to take up much of my extra time and energy; I'm not confident a man will accept not being a priority.

Your Relationship Failed.

I love seeing a Husband and Wife team; they both equally support each other, protect each other, and speak highly of each other. Humans are not engineered to be alone, that is why there is this underlying instinct for wanting good friends and keeping connected with family. Although, one thing we should open our minds to is that humans are evolvers which also means we tend to change over time including our feelings.

  • The 20+ years of marriage or even 10 years are not as easy to come by these days. Why? Aside from opportunities of indiscretion, in my opinion, we have become so engulfed with achieving so many things that we lose sight or interests on what may be good for our hearts. Sometimes we are so far gone that keeping a relationship is just not worth the hassle. Other times, our growth made us become different people and now our goals are no longer the same.

  • You can keep doing the roundabout and keep telling each other, “This time we’ll do better.” and sometimes it works, but I am a firm believer that deep down you know what you are willing to do vs. what you are capable of doing and if those two notions are not cohesive, then…Sweetheart, you need to first be honest with yourself and then your partner. And one day, you may meet your true match. (If I get married again, we’re eloping. 🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽 Dear Possibly Future Husband, save the money, let's just buy a duplex and put it on Air BnB.)

People Don’t Always Care When You Are Suffering.

This one may be a tricky gamble, but I'm still going to roll the dice.... I once read something that said, “People don’t reach out to you when you feel alone, they reach out when they feel alone.” — Wow, that hurt, but before your start to development resentment towards people, remember, we all still have to manage our own lives and some of us are fighting through our own demons and we prefer to battle in silence, so we don’t have the mental capacity to hear about someone else’s trauma. Many times when people ask me how I am doing, I give the standard response, “Everything is good.” even though I may be facing a few challenges at the moment. It is not because I do not want to share my life, it is more due to the fact that I do not want others to be concerned or consumed with what I may have going on. Also, I don’t need everyone to deposit their two cents into my life bank.

  • When some people are going through troubled times, they seek comfort, someone to listen and give them positive affirmations. If you are at a good place in your life, you do not automatically think to call someone who may not be in that same space because: 1. You may not want the person to feel worse because you are doing so well and 2. Listening to other people’s woes can sometimes take away from your positive elements.

  • If you are in a rut, first analyze how you got there, most times it is due to what I call, “self infliction” meaning the decisions you made landed yourself here. So if you made some poor choices, here is the result. Looking for confirmation that better things will come may make you feel better, but if you don’t make personal changes, you will end up at that same crossroads.

Pain Will Teach You, Pride Won’t Let You Learn

*Ladies, I deep condition my hair once a week: A hair mask for 1 hour at the least, sometimes overnight, then wash and dry. Many oil base ingredients are great for your hair: almond oil, olive oil, grapeseed oil, etc.

This one is for ALL of us because at one point or another, we house too much pride. We don’t want to be embarrassed or feel ashamed. We want to be right, we want to be justified, we want to win. AND WE CAN HAVE IT ALL if we allow ourselves to learn from our setbacks.

  • Don’t hold on to a mistake just because it took you a long time making it. That is your pride holding on because you don’t want to accept the failure. It is OKAY to fail, it is OKAY to fall. Learn from what went wrong.

  • If we knew it all, there would be no growth, no evolution. We would be a mundane society. There would be no challenges, no conversations of something bigger.

You Cannot Force Someone To See That You Are A Blessing

This connects to the first one: You are not made for everything and everyone. Again, YOU ARE NOT MADE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. Sometimes what you want is not for you, but you are still a blessing, let those unbeknownst miss out. Pride plays into this also, you may want what you want, but sometimes you can’t always get what you want. Wait for something better.

  • If you are doing right by yourself, by your family or those you care about, don’t worry about that someone may not see in you.

  • Even if you know you can elevate a business, a group, a relationship, and you are fully confident about what you are capable of, give yourself to those who will value it.

Mind of a Boy

So this topic spawned from “Then What Good Is He?” post where some of you ladies shared your thoughts and experiences with men who seem to be fickle. One of you said, “Men who are unsure have the mind of a child and you will notice younger women around them because most younger women are still developing their futures.” I thought this was a very profound statement and want to go into it more. My friend groups range from 30s and up. I see my guy friends entertain women in their 20s here and there, but it never really works out and many of you can take a guess why. Also, I want to point out, we see older wealthy men or celebrity men date much younger women, but we have to understand their lives are not like ours so we cannot compare those groups together. We are talking about the everyday men, whatever their profession or tax bracket.

Yes, younger women seem to be more sexualized, we can attribute that to social media and reality television. Attention is visual and the mindset of many young women is to be seen and gawked at, so I fully understand why men like to look at them. I have a friend who is near 50 and he once told me, “ Young girls are good for the moment, not long term, they are fun, but unless I’m a man with no direction, I’m not taking a 24 year old seriously.” *I want to add this is NOT a dig at women in their 20’s, our generations were just exposed to different levels of sexuality. My core adolescents did not include any form of Kardashian, but the artists in my generation were Lil’ Kim, Trina, Madonna and Janet Jackson, so my age group isn’t fully off the hook either, but we also had some good family shows like Saved by The Bell, Family Matters, Full House, The Cosby Show, etc. Let’s not forget that Marylin Monroe was sexualized too.

I loved and hated my 20’s, I had my kids young, finished my bachelor’s late, and went through a lot of stress with my ex, but when I think of it, if I waited to have children, I may not have had any today, and I may have not met the people I met or even made the moves I made. So certain poor decisions I made when I was younger helped me develop my goals. Everything that occurred in my 20’s was meant to happen so I can have the life I have today. And when I see an older man with a younger woman, I tend to wonder if this is one of her bad decisions that she is going to learn from or is this a poor decisions on the man’s behalf that’s impeding this young woman to have the 20’s experience she needs. I really believe that your 20’s is when you make all the mistakes, your 30’s is learning/recovering from those mistakes, your 40’s are where you continue to build, and your 50/60’s is when you start take it all in.

So one perspective is if a man finds interest in a much younger woman, is he in denial of his own age or avoiding something else? Another reader said, “A single man above 45 has serious baggage, commitment issues, and other demons.” - I’m not sure if I want to cosign on that, but I do wonder why a man of a certain age is still single. Although, there are men who are lifelong bachelors, but doesn’t he want partnership or doesn’t he get tired of skipping from one woman to the next only to go through the same cycle time and time again? — I guess there are women who do the same. Do you remember Cher once said, “Men are a luxury, not a necessity.” I cannot see myself going from one man to the next, my personal values doesn’t allow that, but I can understand why some women may choose that lifestyle.

Why do we call out men who don’t want to commit? Why are they so fickle and undecided? Are they really just boys trapped in men’s bodies? Because what do boys do? They like to play games and hang out with their friends, they enjoy instant gratification, the look at pretty girls, they cannot articulate their emotions, they don’t like to be challenged by women aside from their mom…hmmmm…maybe the reader who made the first statement is on to something?

People swear they won’t do something then turn around and do it worse.

Three different groups of people I talk to are my family, those I work with, and friends I don’t see often, so I am for certain my name cannot be brought up in anyone’s busines, but my own.

Thanks to one of the readers who sent this to me.

He should challenge you and be open to you challenging him.

Man, A Woman's Best Friend

If you caught my first Vlog, lucky you because I took it down in less than 48 hours 🥴. I told you I'm not too comfortable talking on camera. I have a new found appreciation for YouTubers and Podcasters. And thank you to those who mentioned how I can't ever hide my accent, it's imbedded. For those of you who missed it, I included a summary at the very bottom.

Set from The Daileigh

So, let us talk more about this whole "boyfriend, not a boyfriend" thing. I'm just going to go ahead and call it a "bestfriend" because that's what makes the most sense to me. The concept is a woman has a guy bestfriend who supports her, loves her, is her shoulder to cry on, hangs out with her, and there is no sex involved. I tend to think this is not realistic because I believe the human brain begins to wonder when you get too close to someone, plus…men are…will always be men. In my video I mentioned I have male friends who I confide in and hang out with, but there are limitations such as, we don't speak every day and I don't tell them about everything in my life, and I only hang out with them on occasion, not every week. When I do hang out with my guy friends, I'm cognizant with what I do and say around them, because again, I have boundaries and if I'm not crossing them, you won't either.

Ideally, I would love to call up a guy and say, "Wake up loser, let's go get some coffee." (calling men offensive names is a weird love language for me) or telling him to come over because my garbage disposal isn’t working and I need him to come work his handyman magic because maintenance can’t come by today (this is actually my true life right now). OR when I am out drinking too much and he comes to rescue me from myself…this is not an endearing quality of mine, but I can get a little “too much” when I drink too much. Sorry. 😖 Just give me food and water and put me in the bed. I’m a responsible adult, but I get foolish sometimes. 😇

I still think a guy bestfriend would not work for me. Even my girl bestfriends know I don't like to be bothered too much, hell even people who don't know well know I get into my distant moods. With my personality, this "guy bestfriend" would have to be okay with being ignored a lot and talked sh*t too…a lot 🥴. Sometimes I say things without emotion or laughing, but I’m not serious, it’s just my dry humor and most people don’t understand or take offense. If you are sensitive, you cannot be my friend in any way.

With any male friend no matter how close we are, I'd still have lines you can't cross. Like, you can come over and raid my fridge, but you can't lay in my bed. We can share a blanket on the couch, but your feet can't touch me. And clothes must always be on your body, this ain't a Chippendales, keep your clothes on sir, even if you're taking a shower at my place, don't come out of the bathroom without decent attire on. You have to set parameters with men, no matter you're friendship with them. Because what if I get into a relationship, and this bestfriend comes out of the bathroom shirtless, am I telling my beau, "Oh this is my bestie" ??? I'm sure that will go well 😓. And it's the same for the guy, what if he gets into a relationship and tells his lady I'm his bestfriend?....Does your dad have a female bestfriend and what does your mom (his wife) say about it? (Assuming you have an example of a healthy relationship in your life).

Because even if I were a guy's bestfriend and he's in a relationship, at that point I'd have to understand the changes in our friendship to respect his girlfriend, no matter what I think of her. I think this is what many girls DON'T DO is take a back seat when their guy friend has a new lady is his life. It's like they think it's a competition? Why? Don’t treat me like a stranger or start acting funny around me when the girl is around, I don’t respect that dumb sh*t, still act like my friend, and if she has an issue with you doing that or she doesn’t like when I’m around, it’s a problem of hers not yours. There is a way for a man to still care about his female friends without taking it too far. But most men are so aloof on how to do that, it’s a bit disappointing because women can sense when something is off. I can’t explain it, it’s one of our powers, even with men I’m involved with, I can tell when he’s not being fully upfront with me. It’s a combination of tone, verbiage, body language, and lack of certain endearments.🔮

So when my guy friends are in relationships and he’s vocal about it, tells me about her, seems to be good for him, then I’m aware of her. I have a good guy friend, not a bestfriend, we call each other about once a month and we talk about various things, but I'm always considerate of his wife. — I don't keep him on the phone long, I don't call him at unreasonable hours, and I don't ask him to come hang out. But it's a little reversed for him because I'm single, he doesn't have to think about anyone's feelings if he calls passed a certain hour or asks me to come have drinks. — He can be considerate of Me and my time as a friend but that's about it.

But if my guy friend is dating someone and he is very vague about her, then I’m not really going to be to so open to her because he’s not giving me the vibe that he’s really into her long term. See, there is a science to noticing these things with men. If she’s legit, then I’m all for her. Females should be open to the thought that if it's the right woman for him, she's going to be around a long time even if they argue and split for a bit, if she's not, then he'll figure it out, hopefully sooner than later, and then you can tease him about his poor choices in women 😆. I don't believe in bashing other females, I do believe in calling out guys on their questionable tastes and it works both ways, he can tease me too, but don't let it go too far...I'm sensitive. 😁

It's one thing to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you put "best" in front of the word it puts a whole different meaning to it. So I don't know, I'm still a bit skeptical about this idea. Maybe I'm the weird one😕. Because if a guy is going to be this type of friend to me, he’s going to be my husband or my life long partner and there is going to be sex involved.

 
 

Summary of the Vlog:

  1. Someone said I should get a boyfriend who is not a boyfriend, someone who supports me, is my cheerleader, someone I can lean on, and who loves my unconditionally. There is NO SEX involved, so this person is not a “f” buddy or friends with benefits, but rather this a is “coddle buddy” — a person you can go to about anything without judgement and will help you through your struggles. This person is similar to a best friend but more than that, it is no one you are related to, and will most likely someone you are already friends with. I don’t think this type of man is realistic, but I’m open to the thought.

  2. When I was processing this information, I thought about all the guy friends I currently have, but there is not one person, male or female, that I call on for everything. Everyone gets different bits of information and conversation topics with me. The guy friends I have are great, but I don’t go to one person for everything. I would love to, but I don’t believe I am capable with sharing all of my secrets with just one person. I also do not cross the boundaries with my current guys friends or change the dynamics for several reason: because I don’t want to ruin the friendship, because of my loyalty to certain people, because of my morals/values, and because I just don’t think of them in that manner. My current guy friends fit my life just as they are and vice versa. A friend I grew up with is very protective of me so when I talk to him about certain things, he takes more of a big brother tone. My friend “C” is a great friend and there are many factors we value about our friendship and the limitations are right where they ought to be.

  3. I am still limiting the comment because at least one person keeps leaving very rude comments towards someone I know and it does not matter what my status is with a person, I do not condone talking badly about people I am connected with. I feel like I am a good judge of people and everyone has their flaws, but anyone whom I have cared about or have shared time with is an imprint on life, so to talk about them is to talk about me and saying that I made a bad judgement of character. It does not matter what horrible things someone may say about someone I know, I will make my own opinions and decisions on that person because of what I have experienced with them, NOT because of someone else’s experience with them. I think if people say something enough, then you start to believe it, which can happen and has happened with me. — I hear the same things so often, I start to wonder if they are true or not. But I’m not just a loyal friend, I’m an overall loyal person in the sense that even if I am upset, confused, or angry about something, I am not going to tear you down behind your back and I’m not going to give anyone else ammunition to spin a story that may be even further from the truth. That’s who I am.

  4. Until the comments are better handled, you can send your messages through the CONTACT ME link.

The Gatsby Man

(Comments disabled. If you have questions or input, please use the CONTACT ME option.)

When you hear the name Gatsby, you probably think about extravagant parties. The story F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote is loosely based on his relationship with his wife, Zelda Fitzgerald. The book is a love story, a sad love story and it is one of my favorites. Jay Gatsby is a fictional character, he is an idea, but it is the realism of a man who will do anything when he is in love — at least I think that is what the author was trying to convey. A man in love may not do the same things as Gatsby did to win back Daisy, but a man may do irrational things to prove to a woman how much he admires her. There is something thrilling about that.

Naked Wardrobe: Search “A Real Catch”

A friend recently said to me, “Raya. I don’t think you’ve ever been in love. You may have loved people and you know what love is, but you never been in love.” — To which I gracefully nodded. Being in love warps your thinking, it’s similar to being in lust which also has you doing things you would not normally do, but when you are in love, you do things that change the long term effects of your life. For instance, Gatsby created businesses and bought a huge house with housekeepers and servants just to prove to Daisy he can give her everything she needs. He spent years making enough money and kept track of her to one day get the chance to convince her to be with him. Does that sound crazy? And is it crazy if you are in love?

Yes, I’ve done things I’ve never done or normally would not do for men I have been involved with, but the list was short. And each man did not get all the same benefits. For instance, I gave my ex children, I didn’t give anyone else kids (but that is more logical reasoning than anything else). Another man I knew worked late hours and he would call on his way home just to talk. I’d be sleeping most of the time, but I kept my ringer on so I wouldn’t miss his call. I’ve not done that with anyone else. You see, I don’t believe everyone is the same because everyone isn't the same, hence not every man is the same. And ladies, do we agree that each man we’ve been involved with has brought out something different in us that the other man has not done before?

But what if Gatsby wasn't Gatsby? What if he was an average man, with an average living wage? Or less? What would this kind of man do to gain the love of his sweetheart? I think he’d be more creative. I think he’d pay more attention to what she likes and find a way to make her smile without superficial objects. Gatsby could afford anything Daisy wanted and with Daisy being the character that she is in the book, she validated luxury with love. I think I would rather someone listen to my interests and surprise me with what he comes up with.

My friends and I talked about love languages recently. There are 5 of them:

  1. Words of Affirmation: Saying words of encouragement, support, and confirmation.

    • This is the language I speak the most. I believe saying good things to people goes a long way. *One of the main attributes that I'm aware of within myself is that I can be great with words or I can be vicious with words and that is because my intellect extends beyond spoken language. I read people.

  2. Gifts: Giving little or big presents to someone, depending on the person's likes.

    • I like giving gifts that relate to the person in some way. I feel like it’s confirmation of what I’ve noticed about them and I appreciate people who do the same for me.

  3. Physical Touch: Hugs, cuddling, holding hands, etc.

    • I am really not an affectionate person, but when I really like someone, I’m more willing to show and receive physical affection.

  4. Quality Time: Giving someone your undivided attention.

    • This probably the one I cherish most. When someone chooses to spend their time with me and we just enjoy each other's company it means the world to me.

  5. Acts of Service: Doing nice things for someone.

    • The is another one I hold high regards for. I love it when someone does little things that help make my day go by easier.

I believe I speak all these languages and I’d want all these languages spoken to me. So the Gatsby type of man is not the ideal man, he’s a fantasy, a void, a romantic idea, a superficial feeling. I don't want a Gatsby, I want a partner. A partner in compassion, a partner in consideration, a partner in understanding, a partner in love.

 
 

Worth The Fight

(Comments enabled until Sunday Jan. 16th, 6pm.)

This first paragraph has nothing to do with the topic, but it is not enough for me to create a separate post about it. — You know what I learned recently? Being a free spirit can be also considered as being hoe or participating in hoe-like activities. Huh? When did this happen? I bring this up because one of the things I want to do differently is to say “Yes” more, not to anything that jeopardizes my health or my values, but saying yes to new experiences (this may be hard to do right now since I spend much of my time studying and working and I’m inside by or before 8pm and asleep by 10pm. Lol, I told you my personal life is not that exciting, it’s all emails, deadlines, books, writing, editing, and online shopping 😁). The idea of saying Yes more is similar to being a free spirit which is now apparently a vague term, it can mean so many things. It still mainly means being fun loving, right? But what’s fun for one person may not be fun for the next, so I guess the definition is unique to each person. I am still going to stay grounded; I can make mistakes, I just can’t make major ones that drastically change the dynamics of my life. So hopefully saying yes to things doesn’t land me on the questionable line between right and wrong.

Moving on: I told you previously that I would ask this question…

At what point do you decide the person you are fighting with is the person worth fighting for?

So we talked about make up sex recently and other things pertaining romantic relationships, I still cannot get over some of your messages and I completely appreciate your openness to share it with me. I don’t know if I can be so comfortable being very open talking about my…ummm… “Oochie Wally” 👀 with people who are not touching my…ehem…“Oochie Wally” 🤐. But thinking beyond the physical yearning for someone, the mental yearning is just as strong, Yes?

With the stories and scenarios you guys shared with me, it made me think about what makes a functional relationship and what makes a person hold on when things are difficult? Aside from that, what makes a person worth telling people “Yeah, I'm talking to someone.”? Because there are so many opportunities to do anything with anyone these days and I just can’t get on board with it. I’m practical with how fluid people are with each other these days but, I’m traditional in wanting someone to protect what we share together. And trust me, if you're having sex with someone, the relationship is beyond what you think or say it is. So don’t downplay it or hide it, because at that point you’re just trying to challenge people's intelligence.

Relationships are a risk, aren’t they? You are making adjustments in your life to fit this person in. You are compromising, you are thinking of not just you anymore. How and when do you know it’s worth it?

Misguided: Search “Plisse Long Shirt”

I don’t know if I can properly answer the any of these questions. When I fought with my ex I fought for loyalty and respect to our home and family. In hindsight I think the only times I was fighting for Him was when we first got together. - When I genuinely wanted to be around him, hear him, touch him, smell him. We were very young and I had different goals then, my mind was not the same. As time when on, we grew to want different things, the fighting became normal and my opinions about him changed…Yes, I can admit I changed. But isn’t that what we all do eventually? Especially when we want something different.

One of you made a comment that maybe the reason I refuse to stay over a man’s house is because I’ve not met anyone I wanted to spend my nights and mornings with. That comment sat with me for a while, maybe you’re right. Someone else said that a man who really cares about you will keep updated on you and sometimes support you in silence because he waiting for the right time to be everything you need him to be. That sounds good, but I don't think men wait very long. I think if you're not interacting with them frequently, then they don't think much about you. Although, it is a nice feeling to know that someone is thinking about you.

So how do I decide if someone is worth the hassle? What is the checklist or criteria for someone to still get the best of me especially when they pull out the worst in me? No relationship is simple. My best friends and I have even had our fallouts. I’ve had fallouts with family too. I just can’t always go along with something I don't fully agree with and that’s where the conflict begins. I don’t like conflict, but I’m not afraid to be heard either and I don’t like being mistaken for soft, because when I speak out, then narrative about me changes and I’m not longer soft, instead I’m a problem, even though you’ve been benefiting from my “softness” and took it for granted. What sense does that make? It’s the same story every man spins when a woman is upset and a man doesn’t acknowledge the part he played. One of my girlfriends just had a blow up with her guy and the first thing out of his mouth was telling people she was being “crazy”. Oh, okay sir, you obviously have low emotional intelligence. It takes at least two people to create a problem and neither are 100% right.

So what is the answer here? Who is and isn't worth it? I guess it will be different for everyone; what feelings are still there, what experiences were shared, what are the challenges, can it be fixed, etc. With my friends and family, anytime there was an argument, we’d just give each other space and just casually start speaking again, “Want to meet for brunch on Saturday?”, “Do you need anything from the store?”, “How was your day?”, “How have you been?”. Every relationship we have is different, although if the same things keep occurring, you have to consider that the common denominator is You. What is it that you keep doing or not doing? And if that is the case, are You worth someone’s fight?

 
 

Set The Tone

*Comments have temporarily been disabled.

I’ve had this website for a long time now. It started off on Blogger in 2008 and has changed names a few times since then (IamRayaL, TheStyledMa, and currently, LoveRaya). Over the years, I have shared style tips, recipes, experiences, and learned how to monetize this site. These days I share my thoughts on life topics that include family, relationships, business, and finance. It’s also like leaving breadcrumbs so I remember what I used to do and how I used to think before becoming who I am today. With these last few weeks, remembering things (major and minor in the last few months) has been a little difficult for me to do.

I cannot tell you enough how grateful I am to my readers…especially when you notice my absence from time to time. My faithful readers know that I value my privacy and only share but so much with the public.

I use Squarespace as my website host and one of the benefits is I get certain analytics and reports on the traffic on my website, what people search for, keywords, and what the most popular content is. I don’t know if my visitors are men or women or any of their background details unless I do an advanced research (that’s too much) but interestingly, the most popular content in the last 60 days have been 2 posts:

  • Don’t Give Everyone Access (published Jul. 2020)

    • I talk about being exclusive and how everyone does not deserve to be around you and being aware of people who are takers.

    • It’s not selfish to want to be alone or to not want to talk about certain things with certain people.

  • Men Set The Tone (published Oct. 2018)

    • I talk about how women set our standards on what we accept from a man, but a man still is the one who sets the tone in a relationship and how it will continue. The tone he sets may be influenced by the woman, influenced by his family or friends, or the tone is just his own preferences. I read somewhere that love is a chemical reaction that comes and goes, the challenge is being disciplined enough to not hurt someone when the feeling goes or reminding yourself that losing the person will hurt you just as much.

    • The emails I’ve gotten about this post reveals that no one disagrees with this logic….So fellas, you decide what type of leadership you are going to show a woman.

    • Speaking for myself, I love when a man is clear on what he wants with me and doesn’t confuse it with conversations or behaviors that contradict what he wants. He doesn’t treat me as one of his many options, he treats me as the reason. I cannot stand for a man who will not answer a direct question and leaves it open for interpretation. This tells me that he’s putting me aside to see what else is available and if he can’t find better, he’ll come back around. — Nah playboy, just keep going and take that bs elsewhere.

    • I also love for a man to take control in a way that's protective and not demeaning in the sense that he cares about me, wants the best for me, wants me to be better, and will keep me safe. Or if we are meeting at the restaurant and he gets there first or I’m running behind and he goes ahead and orders for me because he knows I'm not a picky eater. He also orders my drink because he knows what I like or wants me to try something different…yeah, that's the type of “Take Control” I like.

With both posts, the main thought is that no one can take your value from you unless you allow them to. It’s a cliché thought, but it’s absolutely true. You cannot depend on someone else to make you feel whole no matter how much you care for a person and want to hold on to them. You have to hold on to you and set your own parameters with everyone in your life.

Don’t be mistaken, I am not void of men problems or letting my emotions get the best of me. My issue in any of those types of situations is that I thought too highly of a person, higher than I thought of myself and it backfired. The reality is you will never know what someone is thinking or truly feeling and you cannot always go off of actions because those can change too. With every new experience we go through, there is a new perspective we gain and with the new perspective it can change what we do, what we say, and how to act around others.

For Laughs

 
 
 
 

The Perfect Man

What if you could build the perfect man?

kanye blinks.gif

Someone just for you. Someone who still calls you even when you are upset with each other, someone who asks if you’ve already eaten, someone who tells you he misses you, someone who compliments you in the mornings, someone who really wants to know about your day and engages in the dialogue. Wouldn’t that be great?

I don’t have much experience with relationships. There is the father of my children, before him was a man I was infatuated with and completely wrong for me, and recently, a man who I’m still figuring out. Of course there were some casual connections in between the three, some could have been more but, didn’t make lasting impressions.

In each experience with a man, there was at least one thing I loved/love about each of them. Let’s start with the man who was completely wrong for me. He was a great “hype man”. I never looked bad to him and he let me know it. He’d always compliment me, what I wore, how my hair looked, things I said, activities I did — he was a the best encourager. Always telling me to go for more. He also didn't like for other men to get too close to me, I didn't consider this being jealous because he didn’t get mad at me for it but, he wasn't shy to let other people know not to cross the line with me. And on the same accord, he didn’t display any inappropriate behavior with other women in front of me.

Next, the father of my two children (this is the most relationship experience I had with any man.) When we weren’t arguing he was very affectionate, always hugging me and kissing me. In public he toned it down but, he always would find a way to touch me. Before we got serious, I took a trip 4 hours away with my friend, it didn’t go as planned and he drove to come get me, he was dependable during our early courtship. And this may sound toxic and it most likely is but, anytime I was upset and said things out of term, he didn’t take offense and shutter away. He’d give me a day or two to cool off and then ask me “What’s up with you?”. *Also, we were both raised in the northeast, so it’s not uncommon that we ‘talk strong’ to each other and women having smart mouths isn’t necessarily considered rude, if you know what I mean. And when I was far along in my pregnancies, he’d come home and cook after working a long day because the understood it was hard for me to move around.

Lastly, the current man, not identified as a relationship but, above a friendship with lover’s activities and quarrels. We have fun conversations. We say silly things to each other and sometimes sit around and we hold deeper discussions. Also, I’m not sure if he has noticed but, there have been times where he’s shown me some of his vulnerabilities and with the type of man I know him to be, that does not happen often. I truly appreciate when he does listen to some things that I mention and makes adjustments for me. He’s also gentle when I need him to be and kisses my forehead when hugging me.

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If I could pull apart the best pieces in all of these men and create one, that’d be amazing, but life doesn’t work that way and I’d have a false sense of myself if I believed there were parts of me that aren't better than others. You see, the idea of being created for someone, a soulmate, or an only love is such a fallacy. We connect with people for different reasons and purposes and we have to understand that those reasons and purposes can change. If two people can be involved and grow together without growing apart, that is a gift, a blessing. Accept that no great relationship isn’t without its hurdles. A couple who doesn’t argue is a couple with dark secrets or a couple who lacks passion and interest. Getting along is one thing but, never getting into a debate about your own thoughts and feelings would be amiss. Sometimes the best laughs come after the tears.

The perfect man is a man who sees all that you are and still wants to know more and isn’t afraid to love you.

 
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The Prenup

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What do you feel about prenuptial agreements? Do you feel someone loves you less or does not have faith in your relationship if a prenup is presented?

Here is my take on it:

I agree with prenuptial agreements. I do not feel it deals with matters of the heart, but more of matters of security. If you have built something on your own, you did the research, you put in the hours, you threw up the capital for it, then how would you feel if you’ve gotten into a married that is ending and the judge says you owe HALF of what you earned to someone else?

  • I am not referring to something you created or developed while you were married, I am talking about something YOU planned and executed before getting married.

Prenuptial agreements can be a simple as writing out what is shared or protected during a divorce. The documents can be very detailed in explaining specific ‘Do’s & Don’ts’: infidelities, children, new businesses, already established businesses, obtained properties, stipends, living costs, etc. It may sound like a business proposition because a marriage IS a type of business, it’s a PARTNERSHIP. — There was a time when girls were only bred for marriage in exchange for some type of payment to her family, such as farm land.

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  • I’ve seen agreements be as specific as outlining if a wife delivers a son during the marriage, she will get an added 20K a year until the son turns 18 if they get a divorce before then. Another one stated that if the husbands commits infidelity, the wife can earn additional monies if they get divorced. (I would definitely want an infidelity clause included to address any children born outside of my marriage or transmitted diseases. — Bitch, you get nothing from me if you have babies elsewhere or give me a disease and if you are a well to do man, then in YOUR prenup, there should be an appendix that details some sort of accommodation for my pain and embarrassment.)

I do not believe it has anything to do with how much you love a person. I fully believe is has more to do with protecting your assets and both people have a say on what goes into the agreement. You can request an amendment to better benefit you if there is something you feel is unfair, of course all this will have to go through lawyers, but if you want something done, do it right and be thorough especially with things like this. Prenuptial agreements are best discussed with two people are “Happily in Love” because the details may be more generous as opposed to being in divorce court and you hating the way your ex-partner breathes.

My whole outlook on it is, If you weren’t shooting with me at the gym, why am I going to hand over the reward from all the training and hard work I put in just because we don’t want to be with each other anymore? — I’m not saying what’s mine is ONLY mine, I’ll share will you, but I am drawing a line with what you get from me if we decide to go our separate ways.

And think about this: If you are choosing to be with someone whom has not already created their own stability, then that person is going to look to you to provide that for them.

But one thing I know for sure, if I get married again it will be my last. Even if I’m fed up with him I'll still fix his plate, “You want potatoes or not, jackass?!”

PLUS, My Daddy says:

If he can’t take care of you as good as you take care of yourself, don’t waste your time and don’t start matching your first name with his last name.

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Being Dominant vs. Being Abusive

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I started and stopped writing this piece several times because I wanted to make sure I was clear about the differences in behaviors with this topic. People can easily misunderstand and run with that misunderstanding. I decided to keep this as short as I could to allow your own thoughts and interpretation to develop.

I briefly mentioned in a previous post that there is a difference between being dominant and being abusive. — One is desired and the other is damaging. I’m not talking about the physical aspects of this topic, just the mental.

A dominant man is confident and secure with himself, knows who he is, what he wants and goes after it. An abusive man struggles with his identity, his wants, his needs and transfers his frustration to others.

Can a dominant man also be an abusive man? Of course. That’s the uncertainty of it because the line between the two can be easily blurred, but understand this, being abusive is not the route anyone should take and can really cause harm to people especially the ones close to you.

Let me give some examples:

  1. A man is dating a very attractive woman, they are at a party together and the woman is making friendly conversation with another man

    • Dominant: The man appreciates his lady is making her own way through the party and may walk up next to her to either join the conversation or just to check on her

    • Abusive: The man gets a sense of jealousy and pulls her away from the conversation to scold her for talking to another man

  2. An argument occurs with the couple

    • Dominant: The man identifies there is an issue that needs to be addressed, but with tempers flaring, he knows nothing will get resolved this way. (He is also aware that women can be very emotional and irrational when they are upset.) He takes a step back and suggests they give themselves a few minutes to cool off and then come back to discuss the issues.

    • Abusive: He continues to argue back and forth with his lady and saying very hurtful things towards her or about her.

  3. A man knows that his lady has had a long day or week at work

    • Dominant: He empathizes that his is not the only one bringing something to the relationship and helps takes charge with cooking dinner, attending to the kids, cleaning up, etc. He knows it’s not only a woman’s job to maintain a household or that there is any gender specific duties in the home.

    • Abusive: He continues to expect his partner to attend to him and the home or gets irritated if she asks for assistance. (Sometimes subtle behaviors can cause friction or resentment that can lead to compounding problems.)

Let me further explain that a Dominant man takes charge of a matter in a way that is logical and possibly the best route for everyone involved. He does not dismiss the feelings or input of others, he listens intently and then makes a sound decision.

The below image caught my attention. It is another version of the topic and I just want to point out…still….the difference with pleasure and unwanted pain.

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Someone’s comment was, “It’s sad that this has to be explained.” And let’s be very clear, when referring to being “hit” it doesn’t mean getting knocked out with a fist.

And another thing about being dominant…and I’m so serious about this one, you can even say I'm stubborn over it….I WILL NEVER approach a man. That is NOT my place. I understand Women's Empowerment, Women's Liberation, Equal Human Rights, all of that, but if a man expects me to approach him….Sir, you can call ME ‘Daddy’. Ladies, if you're one of those who wants to make the first move, by all means I’ll clear the way, but don’t expect me to do the same. I personally feel it can set a confusing tone to a possible relationship.

Refer to Related Topics:

My Lovely Readers, please share this thought with others:

“Don't allow your loneliness or desperation to be loved be the guiding motivation of how you choose your partner.”

Home Cooking Meal Suggestion: Turkey Meatloaf

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What I Did:

  • 2.5 lbs of ground Turkey

  • 2 Eggs

  • 1.5 Cups of Bread Crumbs

  • 3 tbs mince garlic

  • 1 tbs garlic Salt

  • 1 tbs black pepper

  • 1.5 tbs Greek Mix from Vom Fass

  • 3 tbs butter

  • 2 tbs ground Thai chili peppers

  • 4 tbs spicy ketchup

(I did not chop up any bell peppers or onions this go round)

Mix all in bowl and place mixture in a loaf pan. Let cook in the oven for 1 hour on 350° (I didn't put any ketchup on top of the meatloaf, but it is an option)

For the gravy:

Take the meatloaf drippings and put in a separate pot. Add cream or milk and flour to thicken. *I also added garlic salt, ground pepper, Greek Mix, and ground Thai chili peppers for added flavor. Stir until thickened.

Welcome Back…Kinda

 
Travel Protection

Travel Protection

 

Hello Humans, welcome back to the outside. How does the air smell? First, let me get this thought out of the way, “Can somebody’s President PLEASE listen to his speech writers?! I don’t want to make this political because when it comes to politics, I pay attention to the policies not necessarily the person sitting in the seat. But c’mon now — Let’s word things a bit better. Can we at least seem like we have some of the top rated schools in the country?

[If you want to catch a good movie that pokes fun of political stereotypes, stream The Hunt. The movie stars Hillary Swank, but you don't see her until mid scenes. The film has a bit of humor and references George Orwell's Animal Farm which perked my ears when I heard one of the characters say, "She's our Snowball". For those who don't remember or did not study Animal Farm in middle school, the novel is a political satire about the Soviet Union during Communist rule; basically the oppression from government powers.]

Moving on, let’s do a recap:

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  • Quarantine orders are lifting (some of you didn’t adhere to them in the first place). Congratulations you’ve completed Level 4 of Jumanji. There’s still talks about us getting another round of the Virus near the end of the year that will couple with Flu and Cold Season — Alrighty then, let’s mask-on and do this! *Keep yourselves protected. (I am in no rush to risk getting sick.)

  • This is my sole opinion but, some people are just idiots when it comes to this whole pandemic; just making the most questionable decisions no matter who it affects. Yeah, not all of us can be heros and we may relate more to the villain, but we don’t have to choose that route. Remember my thoughts in “Everyone Loves the Hero, but No One Forgets the Villain.” Some people are already hard to forget but, others are just senseless.

  • A lot of people and companies are not planning to head back into the office or open their doors any time soon. — Me, I am people.

  • Many small businesses did not survive and were unable to get Relief Loans and yet, huge corporation received emergency funding…..hmmmmm, how did that happen? To the small businesses that not only had a physical location, but also an online retail service for goods and supplies before the pandemic hit, smart moves, you guys were ahead of the curve and already created a stable brand with loyal customers to keep you from plummeting. And credit to those small business owners who had a '“rain day” account and/or whom are deeply connected to their communities that this little setback didn’t hurt much. If you have a business and have not invested in marketing….ya might want to get on that.

  • Those of you who received some of the stimulus aid learned really quick it was not enough. Others are still waiting on their checks. And some people who are getting the extra Unemployment aid are making more money now than when they were working. — I hope you know about budgeting and managing expenses.

  • Mental Health has become a problem and the trauma of the pandemic did not help and within that issue, Domestic Violence cases has gone up (HERE is an organization that helps women financially to leave an abusive relationship.)

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  • Some relationships have been tested and facing the brink of failure. A good friend is set to be married this year and his fiance is now questioning their love for one another, but that's not my business to discuss. — Hang in there Homie, you’ll get through it. As I mentioned it in a previous post, Marry Your Bestfriend = Marry someone who you get excited to tell good news to, who you like being around even if you're saying nothing, who tries to understand you, who wants to stand by and work with you through life's changes, who makes you laugh on the hard days, who makes the best days even better, and who can lock eyes with you and you get the feeling of admiration.

  • I’ll keep this PG, but we may see an influx of newborns in DEC/JAN/FEB. -- Hey Babies, Auntie RayRay will be ready to dress you up next summer. We are doing 2 summers next year.

  • The Stock Market is a shit show. I guess I’m not retiring this year. Yet, that didn’t stop me from buying some energy stocks that are now under $10. (See more info on energy stocks HERE.)

  • So many people don’t know how to wear masks properly and I feel like I’m about to go rob a bank anytime I pull my mask up before walking into a building. — “Okay, park the car around back, leave the engine running, I’ll be out with the goods in 14.2 minutes. If I’m not out be then, just head to the meetup spot and wait for my call.”

  • Video conferencing platforms has skyrocketed and is the new phone call: Zoom, Google Meet/Hangouts/Duo, Microsoft Meetings, etc.

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  • “Club Quarantine” has rescued many of us from going crazy. I added some more 70’s and 80’s songs to my daily playlist. — Don’t think too much on how old I may be, I’m old enough to see that your well-to-do son may be nice, but his well-to-do divorcee father would be a better fit to my life. #WhosYoDaddy

  • TikTok is this thing the kids are using to show off...whatever they like to show off these days. Also, if you were not aware, here is some trivia: TikTok was developed by ByteDance a Chinese corporation that headquarters in Beijing and averages about 7 Billion in revenue a year. ByteDance is valued at US$75 billion, making it the most valuable startup in the world. Zhang Yiming, founded the company in 2012 and is 37 years old. His net worth is 16.2 billion for 2020. WOW. How serious do you think a 16.2 billion dollar man is when conducting business meetings? (No, the company is not publicly traded, I already checked.)

A man once told me:

"The more successful you are, the more people you'll disappoint, the more promises you'll break; not to mention the hearts you'll shatter, and the more of a threat you become. When you are sitting at the top of your success, be prepared for the work that comes with managing the people around you.

He also said to me:

When you put your money away, keep the lower bills on the outside to hide your bigger bills, don't ever talk about how much money you have. Let them assume."

I like it when men give me useful life tidbits. The man who gave me this knowledge owns a NBA team. -- I’m pretty sure he knows what he's talking about.

  • Homeschooling is not for everyone. — Not sure if the case went anywhere but, a few Drexel University students have sued the school over the appropriation of their student loans since now they are tele-learning. When my current institution switched to 100% e-learning, to ensure all on campus students were aware of the procedures, all the faculty sent out emails giving set by step instructions on where to locate materials and how to complete assignments online. I giggled over this because, I’ve been e-learning the whole time with my program and some of the instructions seemed very grade school. Also, let’s see about my NEXT degree. Yup, might as well go back in for another round. Hey, why not? I hear Harvard has a good Business program or because of the rising issues with mental wellness, I may revisit what my first degree started. Don’t worry, I’ll offer a discount on your first therapy session.

  • Alcohol deliveries will continue indefinitely in some areas. — Goodness, I don’t know who all is raising the upcoming generations but, let’s try to be functional drinkers….for the kids.

  • Some of you are really good cooks, I applaud you. I've been taking extra time to make my plates photogenic.

  • I began curating Essential Packs for busy women in mid February and since then I’ve been working with nonprofits to get these packs to women involved in their organizations. Plus, I’ve been able to connect with new vendors for other essential items to include into your daily routines.

  • When I feel it’s my time to go out into the world, I may just disappear for 2 months. — Don’t send a search party and don’t tag my phone, the signal will be diverted. I promise I will be safe. I’ll mail out postcards; Wish you were here!

Lastly, I love all your emails. Thank you.

 
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This is Not a Dating Place

Dress: JLux Label | Shoes: Calvin Klein

Dress: JLux Label | Shoes: Calvin Klein

There is all sorts of inappropriate behavior in the workplace. Many of us are immune to it because we are not offended by it although, it doesn't excuse bad behavior. Bad behavior...by policy guidelines.

I'm sure somewhere in your employment history, you've discussed religion and politics or have overheard coworkers immersed in conversation over those topics. And at happy hour, you may have gotten to chummy with someone in another department. Be very careful with what you say and do outside of the office, sometimes people will interpret the wrong message. As personable as I am, I keep my lines very defined between business and personal.

So then, what about dating in the workplace? Is it still a taboo topic? Do we not address it at all until it affects the business? More often than not, I hear of employees dating each other and it becoming a debacle. When the news gets to me, it's like an episode of Jerry Springer and I'm trying to separate two feuding children. I don't know who is right and who is wrong but, I know they can't work together or further cause disruption in the workplace.

Usually in many companies fraternizing with coworkers is frowned upon because it can lead to a shift in performance. Not to mention pursuing your employees is also a big risk and can do damage to your position. Keeping it professional is the expectation. Anytime I hear of a colleague take interest in someone at work, I voice my concerns and tell the person to be careful of their actions.

About 85% of the people I work with are married and the other 15%....No, thank you. Again, I don't mix business with pleasure and I certainly don't interfere with a marriage...for those of you who think little of someone's marriage, see my disgust on the topic HERE. (One should never be so voided of reality and morals to want the attention of someone's spouse. With all the people in the world, you want the one you can't have?) I understand people will do as they desire, but I don’t have to accept it for myself.

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We've heard stories of the high power CEO making way at the young receptionist and the brawls between two women who are seeing the same executive. Humans, I tell ya, animals.

Is it worth it? I suppose I can understand that you see these people more often than you may see your friends or family and you become well acquainted with the people you work with. You have similar interests and joke with each other to get through the day. Maybe my thinking is too strict, but unless I was married to you before we began working together, than I have no interest in a relationship with anyone I work with. And how do you date someone who works for you? It's like you are paying them to be your companion, do they get extra benefits for good performance? Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm being facetious. I do however agree that women should date across and up, but not down, and for the sake of my argument, we should still date outside of workplace. Ladies, if you want him that badly, find another job or have thick skin for the scrutiny you may receive.

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Now with so many dating sites that you can maneuver through right in the palm of your hands, you can sort through thousands of people in your area (Not me and don’t look for me. I signed up for one dating app for a few months in 2013, I got tired of it pretty quickly. I didn't have a bad experience, I also wasn't expecting much. I did meet some nice people, some of whom I've become friends with and still keep in touch with, others realize they weren’t getting anywhere with me and found their own exits. I'm currently not a member of any dating apps. If you see my picture, then my dear, you are being catfished. That has actually happened before. A story for another day.) You also run the chance of seeing your coworkers on these sites and other people you know from different places. A friend of mine once matched with his professor, awkward.

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But how do we separate our personal interests from our professional domains? Are some of us not able to control the chemical imbalances that urge us to act like primates? Am I the outcast here? Because I don't look for romance at my place of business? If I work with you, above you, or for you, I'm most certainly not interested in you. I feel it to be an uncomfortable notion. Although, there are people who've met at work, married one another, and....well, I don't know those endings for no one in my circle has married someone they worked with. But I'm just going to go on to say, it's a safe bet not to date people you work with.

Related articles: Business Woman to Business Wife | The Busy Woman | The Boys Club

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Getting a Divorce is NOT the Same as Being Divorced

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I follow a female social group on Instagram (@the_socialtea) They host fun-filled educational and empowerment events for women in different cities. Sometimes they encourage discussions online such as the one I am going to emphasis in this post.

"Is Dating a Married Man Who’s Going Through a Divorce Acceptable?”

As I read through the comments, it was a mix of “Yes, sometimes divorces can be prolonged.” and “No, it’s not okay, he needs time to heal…karma is real…and he is still married.” I didn’t place any judgment on any of the women, but I will admit I was a little disappointed with some of the comments. I do know of women who willingly and actively date married men, but those women are not any of my good friends.

I am on the side of NO, it is not acceptable no matter the state of a man’s marriage, he needs to close that chapter and sort out his emotions before seeking another companion or even dating. Even if you are just “talking” it’s still wrong. Don’t feel like you need to be his comfort, you are his diversion. The second you know a man is married, he is UNATTAINABLE. I do not care if you have history with this man or whatever he is telling you about his wife or their marriage (btw, a man who discusses his personal issues about his woman to other women is not honorable.) He chose to marry a woman who is NOT YOU and he should address any matters about their marriage with her, especially if they are going through a divorce. A woman who entertains a married man is THE OTHER WOMAN. Your fight in the triangle is not balanced. You have NO Legal, Financial, or Emotional Claim to him. Yes, I mention emotional because although he may be a “nice” guy but his true emotional barrings are not practical towards you. Here is an article about 5 Things to Expect When You Get Involved With a Married Man.

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Let me give you some background on me and my previous life of being someone’s wife: Still in my 20’s and after 9 years, I finally came to realize I was not in a healthy home or relationship. In the 9 years, we did have a time of separation where my partner did see other people as did I. When we decided to reconcile, everything was good for a short period but, as any toxic relationship, the same issues were still there. Instead of confiding in me, the father of my children decided to lean on other women because it was too much for him to face me and resolve issues with me, so he chose to go where the less tension was. It was a nasty time in my life, I did not like who I was and my state of mind was unrecognizable. Even though I knew I needed to let go of this man, it did not help matters knowing that other women wanted him and did not care that he was with me. For some reason they felt “entitled” to him because they had developed a type of relationship with him. And these women were very adamant with telling me everything my partner was telling them and the times they have spent with him. Well guess what, I didn’t give a damn what they were saying or that my husband was making the worst decisions for himself and our family, the fact of the matter is we were still together and these women were on the outside wanting to come in. It was a different level of anger and it wasn’t towards my husband, it was towards these women who thought they wanted my position. (Let me tell you a secret that is not so secret, all of them are not fully happy with result of their choices.)

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Here’s is a reality check for women who want attention from a married man: He chose to marry HER, not YOU. It does not matter if you knew him before he was married or met him afterwards, you are now making yourself be a second option. You want what you think is great because you see or speak to him in a limited capacity. You only see your point of view and want what you think someone else took from you or is keeping from you, but you are not seeing the toxic nature of what this man is doing to his wife and to you. And Sis, he most likely is reaching out to you because he knows you want him to and you let him. It doesn’t matter if he tells you he loves you and wants to be with you; he is still in a relationship that he needs to end before moving forth with a new one.

Yes, much of my distaste for this is due to my own real life experiences, but I have also not been the character to want, need, or crave the attention of a married man. I have married friends, some of which I am only friends with the husband or was friends with the husband first, but I never cross the line, and the biggest reason for that is I HAVE STANDARDS AND BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF. The fck I look like going after a married man? I have great fun with my married friends and respect their unions with their chosen partners and all marriages are different from the next, but I will never be The Other Woman.

There may be scenarios of women finding love in a married man and having happiness with him at the end or hearing of women putting up with a man’s emotional dysfunctions and eventually it works out. These are your “safety nets” and not very common, but if those safety nets make you feel better about your decisions, then hang on to them. Although think of this, if you have to adjust your wants and needs to shift how a man acts or responds to you, then you have shown him that you are willing to compromise yourself for him, so what else wouldn’t you do? You already blurred the lines of your independence and if you are that woman, never say things such as, “I wouldn’t let my husband do….” Really Sis? You are already letting him affect your good judgment and if you want him badly enough, you will continue to suppress reality and compromise yourself for him. Remember the saying, “How you get him is how you lose him.” and will you be okay with him being your partner if this is the behavior his is displaying with you? How confident are you in this married man of yours?

Now if a man did not tell you he was married, that is a different type of turmoil and again, if he’s married, he’s MARRIED. Get out now and get out quickly. Therapy will help. I can emphasis that I cannot dictate what others do; it’s your life and you do as you will with it, BUT if you are my friend who is doing this, I don’t have to agree with it or continue to accept you the same way in My life. I cannot speak for another woman or of her feelings towards a man, but I do have higher expectations for women than I do of men, especially for my friends. If you know a man is married and continue to want to develop a courtship with him, that’s fine for you, but I need freedom from that energy because I cannot look at you the same anymore. There is an insecurity there that I cannot help you through.

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Ladies, there are so many ways to fulfill your life with happiness but, if you don’t have confidence in yourself, you will struggle with finding that happiness with anything or anyone. After leaving my ex, it took me a long time to find myself, recharge my core values, and be reminded that….

“I AM THAT BITCH! I’m beautiful, I’m smart, I’m funny, I don’t take myself too seriously, I can dress to the nines, I’m a damn good mother, and I’m a great friend. I’m there for you if you need me and if I can’t be there, I make it up later on. BUT, I am not going to deplete my energy for you or because of you; that is where I draw the line. It doesn’t matter if you are a lover, a friend, or a family member. I KNOW MY VALUE. I AM A TREASURE.”

My ex has tried to come back into my life a few times. We have children with together, so I cannot completely avoid him, but my communication is limited and rare. I do not play on his advances or give him any opportunity to think I am open to rekindling anything with him. I’m at peace and I’m going to remain here.

"Power Couples"

UPDATED: 03/07/2020

(Happy Valentine's Day. I feel like this day gets more pink and red each year. That's okay though, it's for us ladies anyway.) To those of you who are single, continue reading to the bottom for a message.

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In my photographer life, I've captured a good amount of couples. Those madly in love, those newly engaged, those expecting, etc. But the couples who intrigue me the most are the ones building conglomerations together and seem to be...perfect. You know the types of people I'm talking about; the man who has the strongest presence in a room even if he's being silent and the woman who seems intimidating to approach even if she's being personable. They are not just the beautiful people, they are individually interesting, confident, charismatic, and powerful in their own right. Entertainment Society has termed these people who come together as "Power Couples".

Their definition is not referring to two people working and coming home to the usual "How was your day, honey?" types of conversations. It's referring to couples who are in the public eye, whether locally in their communities or nationally on a wider plain who inspire, encourage, and support one another in their personal and professional journeys. The couples who show up for each other. The couples who show their pride in their partners. The couples who push each other to achieve full potential. The couples who have loaded agendas....this sounds like any healthy couple, right? The Power Couples are usually people who have a strong sense of business fundamentals and have a vision to keep moving up the ladder whether it's in a corporation or within their own endeavors. They have a cohesive vision to plan, invest, and excel...together.

Outside from being a Power Couple, legitimate relationships aren't hidden from people. Private, Yes. Hidden, No. A couple may not share the details of their union, but they shouldn't shy away from letting people know they are together. If you are seriously involved with someone and being treated like a stranger or less than a partner when you two are around others, then you're not in a relationship, you're in what the younger generation calls, a "situationship" and that's a completely different dynamic.

I am a firm believer that a good friendship is the foundation to a great romance. You wouldn't hide your friendship, would you? If a friendship is one sided, unbalanced, and conditional, then don't expect it to be anything better if it becomes something more. For any relationship to thrive there needs to be a healthy level of love, respect, and admiration for each other. And the best way to do this is to SHOW it in your actions. We prove by doing, not by saying.

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The forehead kiss is one of the most loving forms of affection for any type of relationship. (I've discussed this in extreme detail on my personal site a few years ago.) My young son has even started doing this sweet gesture with me. I may be exaggerating, but the forehead (or top of the head) kiss is a sign of admiration, love, and protection. To be clear, I'm not in any form of romantic affair and not entertaining the idea of anything close to one, (Yes World, there are women who keep themselves to themselves for reasons that are unique to them, respect it), so anytime I receive a forehead kiss it's from good friends, and it makes me feel that these people appreciate having me in their lives and if something is ever wrong with me, they would want to know or try to help me through it in some way. Sweet, right?

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Here's a little something personal about yours truly: I'm not always vocal about where I am until after I've been there. More often than not, I take last minute trips for myself, by myself. Some people have jokingly referred me to "Carmen Sandiego" as a result of my disappearing acts, but I always maintain contact in some shape or form. Not too long ago there was a matter where I was almost completely inaccessible...(*sometimes when you are great at doing something, it causes others to feel threatened because they weren't given the opportunities you were. Hard work doesn't go unrecognized...or unpunished.) Only a handful of people were made aware of my location and was able to reach me through other channels. Many of my friends who could not reach me became concerned and two of them moved around their busy schedules to seek me out. They knew exactly how and where to find me, which was impressive since I wasn't in any of my common places. I don't think I've ever been hugged so tightly before and given so many forehead kisses. They stayed a few days and reminded me each day how important it is to always have a way to stay touch with ALL of my loved ones no matter what was going on.

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I say all this to point out that loving someone begins before being in love. Being present for someone and supporting them is another way to show someone you love them. Even though the two friends who showed up for me were platonic friends, I want elements of their affections for me to paralleled with how my partner should care for me. And unfortunately, people can fall out of love, but at least you know what you liked when you were loved. To be this so-called Power Couple, or any type of couple, loving your partner is just as important (if not more important) as being in love with your partner; you two should at least like each other, right?...because if both of you are very busy, confident, driven, and ambitious, losing sight of each other can have an adverse effect on many of your goals. And depending on how you communicate, there may be times of a power struggle. Practice listening and compromising. Ultimatums are not always the best solution. You wouldn't go into a business meeting with equal partners and have only one thought process or strategy, would you? If not, then give your relationship the same attention. You can be powerful alone or you can be powerful together.

In a related post, I discuss dating age gaps. Interestingly enough, the age of you and your partner coupled with your phases in life can have an impact on how your relationship succeeds or suffers. Read more HERE. I also discuss the concerns of dating in the workplace HERE.

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*For the Singles: Own being single. You are not alone, you are with yourself, change the narrative of how you acknowledge being single. Be confident and comfortable with your time and space. I've notice in the last year that my standards have only been going up and there is nothing wrong with that and I don't care what critics may say, I'm not settling for anyone who doesn't match my energy and I don't care who makes more money, as long as we keep making efforts for each other. I've been building upon business in other cities/states (image shown). I am extremely focused on how I want my life to be. Even with my personal assistant "S" moving to another country to begin her career, with her help, I have been able to better organize my time and delegate my tasks, yet I'm still very busy. I'm in a "No One Is Allowed To Touch Me" phase and I take pride in being there. I know I'm too amazing of a person to not at least get 80% from someone (80/20 Rule theory) or even 70/30. In a previous post, I talk about investing in people and deciphering between good and bad investments, here's a tip: investing in someone else's marriage is a not great investment see HERE, there's about 5% of happy endings in those scenarios.To invest in others is to also invest in yourself. Take yourself out and vibe with new people. Many strangers who I've met have either became associates, friends, or just good conversations I remembered from those interactions. Sometimes we put too much expectation on making an encounter more than what it really is or needs to be. Let it flow.

Speaking of being supportive and showing it, on Super Tuesday, the Nation saw how Jill Biden is 100% for her husband. *This is NOT a political message nor does it represent my political views.*

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Jill Biden blocked protesters who interrupted her husband's speech to supporters.

Why I frickin LOVE this image:

1. Jill didn't step aside, she stepped up! She was not having it and from the look on her face she probably would have went further if others didn't come in to remove the woman from the stage. (There were 2 protesters).

2. I smirk at Joe's almost nonchalant demeanor because he probably knows his wife is not one to mess with.

3. Jill's face said, "Not today, little girl. This is MY HUSBAND'S time."

4. Jill's face also said, "Catch me outside."

Your loved ones, whether it's your partner, your family members, or your friends should be just as supportive and protective of you as Jill is with her husband. We all need a Jill in our lives. Be like Jill.

She's a Jersey Girl raised in Willow Grove, PA. 😊

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