Building Barriers

It is said that you carry pain from previous relationships and that your ex-partners encouraged the walls you now have up. I find this to be very true with every man I have been involved with. I loved them all differently. I willingly loved them and wanted to keep loving them, but they ended up draining me and I couldn’t give in anymore.

When you love someone or deeply like someone, you’re decisions can become compromised and complicated. You are not wrong for wanting to show that you love someone, you just have to be careful with how much you are giving vs. what you are receiving back. My default is that I am naturally a giver. I’m loving, I’m supportive, I’m there for you; I tend to care too much which leads to my flaw…I extend myself too much until I’m overreaching my limit. Then I’m upset, disappointed, and heartbroken. In time I’m back to finding myself opening up to take the risk again. — Everything is a risk especially when it involves the heart. Sometimes things need to be broken to know what barriers you still need to put up, keep up, or take down.

Each time I let down some walls, I was taught a lesson and yes, sometimes the lessons made me build more barriers and raise my standards. — That’s just part of protecting yourself and giving yourself time to heal and reflect…if we do not give ourselves this needed time, we can develop damaging behaviors that affect anyone we get involved with too soon. It is not unusual to go through this cycle many times in our lives depending on how proactive we are with relationships. There are people who are serial daters, constantly with a partner; then there are those like me who rarely get involved with anyone. Everyone was their own pace and reasons for companionship, I just advise everyone to be sure you are ready and willing to make adjustments and compromises to your comfort zones, including your barriers or walls.

With one of my biggest lessons, I cannot see myself getting too close to a man who shows himself to be fickle with me. — One moment very interested, the next moment acts like I’m an afterthought and has other woman all over him right in front of me. I have written about this a few years ago…A MAN SETS THE TONE with how a relationship proceeds or derails. I’m not suck in the old world, but a man is to be the leader, leading his home, his family, and his partner. Yet, not all leaders are great leaders. Bad leaders are dictators and do not take into account anyone else’s input. In today’s atmosphere it is highly regarded for a man to have a bevy of women around him. Although, that let’s me know he probably doesn’t value intimacy or at least in the same sense that I do (I wrote about this previously too). — OR that his mind is so sparsely divided that he cannot focus on giving one woman attention. I’m not a child; I have kids, responsibilities, and my own daily agenda, so I don’t need all of your attention or even a lot of attention, but I do appreciate it when a man is making time for me and thinks of me often.

I’m not naïve, men have their fun how they have their fun when they go out, but if your special lady is out with you too there is a protocol of how NOT to act with other women. The woman you should be walking to her car, driving her home, or checking on periodically is the woman you are sleeping with. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Men have to restrict their chivalry and friendliness towards other women when they are involved. It also let’s the other women know their limitations with him. I only say this because I restrict how I am with other men when I am sleeping with someone. But if you or the person don’t care about conserving each other’s thoughts or feeling then I guess Let your hoe flag fly. (Even the married men I know are firm on their restrictions with what they allow themselves to do and what they allow the other women to do. — I don’t condone it, but I respect it.)

Again, I am not naïve, but I’m always paying attention. If I keep noticing a man doing certain things in front of me, I’m not unjustified to asking questions, “Why is she holding on to you like that?”, “Why do you keep wanting to drive her home?”, “Why do you keep finding a way to be next to her or alone with her?”, — it’s one thing if the woman is an equally mutual friend and I am with you as you are making these gestures and you are not blocking me out, but it’s another thing if the answers I’m getting are brushing me off or gaslighting me. That’s not going to ease my mind about the subject and my attitude towards you can become worse. On top of that, if I hear about you telling people that’s there is nothing between us or saying you aren’t interested in me at all, it will just trigger the, “Go on and do what you want” response from me and put me on alert with anything you say and do moving forward and eventually I’ll detach if I keep feeling slighted and I won’t be asking anymore questions from here on out. — My feelings are involved too, not just yours. The moment you start revealing a part of yourself that is not cohesive with what you say to me then in that same moment you begin to lose me. It may take me a while to walk away, but once I do I’m just going to keep getting better because someone not treating me right is a character flaw of theirs, not mine and the award they receive is that they’ll never be able to get me like they used to. I’m not one of those women who needs closure…it is what it is.

On a last note: I love it when people pay attention to who I am…

Person 1: I think Raya is fooling with someone.

Person 2: Nah, I know how she is and she’s not. (This right here is my Person 🙂)

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Hey Raya

In the early years of this site, people would ask me questions and I’d give my input. A few of you have done this recently and I don’t want to fall back into those types of publications again, but I will share some from time to time. Here is one from a long time reader.

Hey Raya,

I'm in a little dilemma. A few posts ago you talked about giving people chances. I was messing with someone last year and I'm not sure how or why we stopped. I always felt confused with him. Some days it seemed like he was in love with me and other days he made me feel like I didn't matter to him, so we just stopped talking all together. I was hurt. I thought things would be great with us but I could never figure out what he wanted and there were always other girls around him. You talk about a woman should know her value but it made me feel like he wanted to talk to them more than me. He recently hit me up last week. We started texting back and forth. I miss him but I don't like how he left things with me. People can change right? It's been a year but I don't want to go through the same thing. Any suggestions?

Dear Reader,

I have a similar experience. I knew a man for several years, for the most part we enjoyed our time together, but we also didn't see each other a lot during the beginning of our friendship so we made the most of it when we were in each other's company. Although, even during that time there were periods I felt like he didn't want to be bothered with me at all. We had a few blips, but we managed through it. Some time later, our dynamic changed and we had more opportunity to see each other often. The first few months were great, but then it seemed like he was back peddling his feelings and contradicting his words. It didn't make me feel great and I began to noticed things that made me question who he really is, but I remained loyal to him, it's one of the hallmarks of my personality -- staying good to people even with uncertainty. Then there was something major that happened to me and I didn't hear from him. I got through my hurdle and I got over the hurt from his absence and decided not to hold it against him. When your heart gets stitches and scars, you determine how it affects you and others. I still reach out to him every so often, there's been blips with that too, but like you, I don't want to go through the same confusion so at best I keep it simple. A mutual acquaintance of ours said to me that I’m not that guy’s type and when I was given some examples, I started to really think about it and realized that person seemed to be right.

I say if you are going to meet your guy, have caution. Ask him the hard questions about what happened between you two last time. Sometimes the hardest conversations are the one we need to have with people. Be honest with how you felt then and how you feel now. Also, really identify what exactly you miss about him and don't romanticize the good parts so much that it overshadows the bad parts. The bad parts are important too. Acknowledge any faults you had because you can't point fingers without some pointing back at you too. Yes, people do change with time. And remember, a relationship doesn’t define you, at the very least it is supposed to be a benefit to your life and make you feel hopeful, encouraged, supported, and appreciated.

In all actually, you really can do whatever you want with the man, it's not anyone else's choice to make. It's up to the two of you. If you both want to start something again, great, but make all your intentions clear so neither of you are blindsided and have routine conversations about it especially if anything changes.

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Be Good

A friend shared this on her LinkedIn feed. — Read it, digest it, and think for a moment.

The man, Adam Grant, who shared it on his own feed received a lot of mixed feedback. Comments advocating that sometimes people have good reason for not being kind to certain people in order to protect themselves, while others argue that no matter how/who the person is, you should still remain a good for your own inner peace…I am one of those people. (Below is my input with another friend’s response to me.)

There is a saying that goes, “Hurt people hurt people.” — There is a lot of truth in that saying. Ever notice when someone is mad, they say things out of anger and sometimes it’s not the nicest things? Or when you are still affected by what someone did to you there is still a sense discouragement towards them. There is a point where you just have to let that go. When you have bad feelings, it constrains you and turns you into someone you don’t favor. It may not seem like it, but there is a element of sadness in your thoughts, your words, and your actions when your are not kind to someone.

The same friend also shared another thought and I feel like the sentiments are related…

Here is her caption:

“This is true for both women and men. If you don't think what you say and do affects people, you are wrong. How you treat someone has an impact on them.

With relationships this is very accurate. You and your partner share a personal mental space and within that mental space is where your words and actions can make your partner feel great, loved, and appreciated or avoided, neglected and alone.”

Going back to the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” Let’s think about this, a hurt person will either lash out or go silent and in return it hurts the other person involved. — A vicious cycle of unspoken emotions and truths. And sometimes you have to decide that if someone keeps acting like they want to lose you or that your presence is not important to them, then maybe they just need to lose you.

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Accepting the People

Learning to accept someone for who they are isn't always easy because we innately feel everyone should share the same views we do, hence the war between Vaccers and Anti-Vaccers.

I lost a friend to addiction recently. We weren't close but we were friends and he was always very uplifting anytime I spoke with him. I didn't accept his addiction, but I accepted he had a flaw that I couldn't begin to understand or even have the knowledge to battle against. So anytime we talked I made it a point to discuss all the good things he had going on in his life.

Another friend who I am closer to is a bit of an a--hole and he'll even say the same about himself. He is a very loud, can be overbearing, and a bit rude...he's just very lively. We've known each other since we were kids and he's been the same, so this is part of his personality. I don't speak to him often, but I know if I ever talk to him about a problem I am having he's not going to water anything down for me no matter how long we've known each other. -- To the point where he will hurt my feelings to get something through to me. I've learned to accept who he is because I realized he is someone who isn't going to bullsh-t you. And whether his views are right or wrong, he's still going to tell you what he thinks is best for you. But he has also given me grace; he hated my ex, thought I was too good for him, didn't understand why I was with him, but out of respect of me and my kids, he kept most of his thoughts to himself. He even knew things about my ex that I did not find out until things blew up; he accepted that I was not yet ready to move on to realize I deserved better no matter what he told me, but he continued to be a friend and hear me out, so he's not a complete a--hole.

We befriend people who have back stories that shaped who they are and who they can become. We can encourage people to be better but we can't make anyone do anything. It's the same with those we don't choose, like family and coworkers. We don't always get along with these people, agree with them, or even like to be around them, but we find ways to cooperate with them and accept them. We adjust ourselves to be more reasonable with them, yes?

Think about this, you are hiring someone for a position, the person meets all the criteria, has the experience, strong references, great resume, interviewed very well but, a few years ago this person committed a crime, nothing heinous, but enough to show up on the background check. Do you hold that crime against the person and move on to the next applicant? Does that crime define the person? Same question, different perspective, Do you hold someone's flaws against them when you have evidence they are more than what their faults are? There are people who are "once in lifetime people" and those people aren't perfect but what makes them stand out is the experiences you have with them that you can't duplicate with anyone else because it won't be the same.

Side Story: I interviewed an applicant similar to the one I described above who had an assault charge on his background, I asked him if he wanted to explain the matters of the crime and he revealed that he was protecting his sister from an abusive boyfriend, the boyfriend pressed charges. This could have been a made up story but, I hired him anyway. He is still one of my best employees today.

How do you define a good person? Caring, supportive, understanding, empathetic? Everyone is a good person but everyone is also not. And not to get religious but a sin is a sin, there is not one sin that is worse than the other in the eyes of the All Mighty, it is still claimed a sin. Each one of us carries characteristics that make us not so great, it's how we make others feel that defines our goodness. Going by motivational quotes don't make us good people. They tend to be self-serving and we gravitate to them when we are going through bouts of stress, confusion, or frustration. Many of the generic quotes are contradicting. For instance, there are several versions of the saying. "If it's meant to be, it will be" then there's the thought, "If you want it, go get it. Don't let anything stop you." But no matter the saying, the purpose of those quotes are designed to make us feel better.

In some cases these sayings can help us through our darkest moments, in other incidences, maybe we should stop looking to motivational quotes to justify our behaviors and just own up to what we did and handle the matter.

We are all individual people and I believe different people bring out different versions of ourselves. Our personality is who we are but our attitudes depend on who others are. Get it? Could I sit in the same room with someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. Could I have a conversation with someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. Could I still care about someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. In time I can learn to accept anyone and all their faults but in accepting them I'm also putting up boundaries and restricting the type of communication I have with a person. I don't necessarily believe in cutting people off, I feel like there is an underlining heartlessness in doing that, although I have done it to people the past, I now believe in limiting what I do and say with them. It's a discipline.

You choose what to accept and what not to accept. It is your discretion in life. With people, you have to decide not who they are, but how you are with them.

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Gaslighting

In one form or another we probably possess a toxic trait. Mine - Being passive aggressive and condescending when I’m annoyed, initiated or upset.

By definition GASLIGHTING is a technique that undermines your entire perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, you often second-guess yourself, your memories, and your perceptions. After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you are left feeling dazed and wondering what is wrong with you. It's a form of manipulation.

I’m not sure if I would call it a technique since most people don’t realize when they are doing it because in their minds they are just trying to defend themselves and in the process also being dismissive of someone else's opinions and feelings. It happens more often than we realize and occurs with all types of relationships we harbor. We see it happen most commonly in romantic relationships.

Here's My Thoughts: Don’t get upset because I’m upset. Hear why I’m upset and let's come up with a solution that works for both of us. Don’t tell me I’m overreacting or that I’m being crazy, acknowledge my frustration especially if you want me to acknowledge yours. Talk to me. Don’t push me to the side to let me stew in my own boiling pot of confusion. Don’t think that “I’m supposed to know better.” Apparently, whatever you are doing or continuing to do keeps me feeling the way I do, so if you give me the excuse of “This is just who I am.” that’s just a scapegoat of you not wanting to be challenged to be a better communicator, a better friend, a better lover…a better you.

If we are in a disagreement, we may use aggressive tones or say things out of term. — A little tidbit about myself: If you are going to go off on me no matter what tone you use, know that I talk back. And I’m not afraid of aggression, sometimes that's the only way I’ll listen (another unhealthy characteristic of mine), and if that is how you feel you need to get things across to me, then also know that you will need to coddle me afterwards…

Lamens Terms, “If you're going to talk to me crazy, then you better love on me after.” Don’t leave me alone because then I’m going to think you’ve given up.

I’ve once said, monsters don’t scare me, people do. Which means you can never know what a person is thinking or capable of, whether you are important to them or is it just a phase and they are filling some type of void before moving on. What I don’t like is inconsistency. If there is a lapse in how you speak to me and how to act around me and you’ve not given me any form of explanation, that's when my mind begins to wonder and I’ll start asking questions. If you gaslight me, it only makes matters worse.

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Being Dominant vs. Being Abusive

I started and stopped writing this piece several times because I wanted to make sure I was clear about the differences in behaviors with this topic. People can easily misunderstand and run with that misunderstanding. I decided to keep this as short as I could to allow your own thoughts and interpretation to develop.

I briefly mentioned in a previous post that there is a difference between being dominant and being abusive. — One is desired and the other is damaging. I’m not talking about the physical aspects of this topic, just the mental.

A dominant man is confident and secure with himself, knows who he is, what he wants and goes after it. An abusive man struggles with his identity, his wants, his needs and transfers his frustration to others.

Can a dominant man also be an abusive man? Of course. That’s the uncertainty of it because the line between the two can be easily blurred, but understand this, being abusive is not the route anyone should take and can really cause harm to people especially the ones close to you.

Let me give some examples:

1. A man is dating a very attractive woman, they are at a party together and the woman is making friendly conversation with another man

   • Dominant: The man appreciates his lady is making her own way through the party and may walk up next to her to either join the conversation or just to check on her

   • Abusive: The man gets a sense of jealousy and pulls her away from the conversation to scold her for talking to another man

2. An argument occurs with the couple

   • Dominant: The man identifies there is an issue that needs to be addressed, but with tempers flaring, he knows nothing will get resolved this way. (He is also aware that women can be very emotional and irrational when they are upset.) He takes a step back and suggests they give themselves a few minutes to cool off and then come back to discuss the issues.

   • Abusive: He continues to argue back and forth with his lady and saying very hurtful things towards her or about her.

3. A man knows that his lady has had a long day or week at work

   • Dominant: He empathizes that his is not the only one bringing something to the relationship and helps takes charge with cooking dinner, attending to the kids, cleaning up, etc. He knows it’s not only a woman’s job to maintain a household or that there is any gender specific duties in the home.

   • Abusive: He continues to expect his partner to attend to him and the home or gets irritated if she asks for assistance. (Sometimes subtle behaviors can cause friction or resentment that can lead to compounding problems.)

Let me further explain that a Dominant man takes charge of a matter in a way that is logical and possibly the best route for everyone involved. He does not dismiss the feelings or input of others, he listens intently and then makes a sound decision.

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The below image caught my attention. It is another version of the topic and I just want to point out…still….the difference with pleasure and unwanted pain.

Someone’s comment was, “It’s sad that this has to be explained.” And let’s be very clear, when referring to being “hit” it doesn’t mean getting knocked out with a fist.

And another thing about being dominant…and I’m so serious about this one, you can even say I'm stubborn over it….I WILL NEVER approach a man. That is NOT my place. I understand Women's Empowerment, Women's Liberation, Equal Human Rights, all of that, but if a man expects me to approach him….Sir, you can call ME ‘Daddy’. Ladies, if you're one of those who wants to make the first move, by all means I’ll clear the way, but don’t expect me to do the same. I personally feel it can set a confusing tone to a possible relationship.

Refer to Related Topics:

• Men Set The Tone (Jan. 2018)

• Expectations of a Man (Jan. 2017)

• Have a Strong Presence (May 2017)

• She Did WHAT?! (June 2017)

• The Proposal (June 2016)

My Lovely Readers, please share this thought with others:

“Don't allow your loneliness or desperation to be loved be the guiding motivation of how you choose your partner.”

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Home Cooking Meal Suggestion: Turkey Meatloaf

What I Did:

• 2.5 lbs of ground Turkey

• 2 Eggs

• 1.5 Cups of Bread Crumbs

• 3 tbs mince garlic

• 1 tbs garlic Salt

• 1 tbs black pepper

• 1.5 tbs Greek Mix from Vom Fass

• 3 tbs butter

• 2 tbs ground Thai chili peppers

• 4 tbs spicy ketchup

(I did not chop up any bell peppers or onions this go round)

Mix all in bowl and place mixture in a loaf pan. Let cook in the oven for 1 hour on 350° (I didn't put any ketchup on top of the meatloaf, but it is an option)

For the gravy:

Take the meatloaf drippings and put in a separate pot. Add cream or milk and flour to thicken. *I also added garlic salt, ground pepper, Greek Mix, and ground Thai chili peppers for added flavor. Stir until thickened.

I Ghosted My Skeleton...Twice

I get a lot of praise for being a strong woman, for being confident, fearless and having no man problems - “got 99 problems but a b*tch ain’t one” - Thanks Jay, but it wasn’t always this way. I too have done foolish things for a man I thought I loved. We all have skeletons in our closet, I have just one and I ghosted him many years ago.

Dress: Toxic Envy

Ghosting is a fairly new term the kids are using these days to describe an action when someone stops all communication with you without notice or warning. So when I “ghosted” my skeleton, it was just considered “disappearing” out of his life.

I was in high school. I was young, naive and thought I had my whole life figured out. (Like many high schoolers, huh?) I met a man who was several years older than me, an athlete (played overseas), he was gorgeous, tall, smooth, beautiful hair, great smile, amazing lips…everything shallow that I loved. We began hanging out all the time, I became infatuated with him. I wanted to be around him every moment of every day, but I still had school and work.

It quickly became toxic. Anytime he called, I went running. I missed so many days of school for him that I almost failed a grade due to my absences. I cancelled outings with my friends and I made excuses to not be available for anyone else other than him. When I didn’t hear from him, my mental anguish became physical in the sense that I wouldn’t eat, I’d stay in bed all day, I’d be moody, and I wouldn’t talk to anyone. He was my drug. I would have done almost doing anything for this man, I even slightly supported him financially. When I couldn’t come through on a request he had of me, he would get angry and make me feel guilty for not caring about him enough and I actually began believing that I really wasn’t doing enough, my self-esteem was bruised.

He was very needy…and I wanted to be needed by him. If he was upset, I had to find a way to make him smile. If he was in a good mood, I had to find a way to make it last. [Later in life I realized he is one of those people who resented not being granted certain opportunities that he felt he deserved in life, but not admitting that his own behaviors and decisions held him back.] He would compliment me when he wanted something and he’d make promises to coax me, but rarely came through with those promises. He was in and out of my life for at least 2 years. And the behaviors were always the same. He didn’t once think about all the efforts I made to adjust to him.

THIS WAS ALL WHILE I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Sweatshirt: Backseat Love | Skirt: Fendi

I was mentally drained. I was emotionally depleted. I hated feeling like someone had complete control over me. I felt empty…all the time. Finally, one time he called while out of town and needed me to wire him money to get a ticket back home along with a phone card (telling my age here), I said “Okay, I’ll get it done.” then the call ended. I didn’t wire him any money and I didn’t get him a phone card. It was the last time I spoke to him. It took me months to get him out of my system. I still thought of him daily — “What if I just call once to check up on him?” “Maybe I can just talk to him without anything more.” — I forced myself to go out and enjoy missed time with my friends and I prepared myself for college.

I went on with my life, met the future father of my children the summer before my freshman year and didn’t think of that man again…until my divorce.

Yup, through a mutual acquaintance he heard I was newly unattached and found a way to reach me. We chatted and caught up over the years that passed. The itch for him started to come back. I foolishly looked over our past issues and eagerly allowed him back into my life thinking things would be different….and it was for the first few months. He was still gorgeous, the same as I remembered him looking. — The years weren’t bad to him. It wasn’t too long after that it became reminiscent of my high school years. This time, I was practically supporting his entire life, but also this time I now had two children to support. I don’t know how I did it, but I found a way to appease everyone. For some reason he still had that same hold on me, even after all these years. The father of my children didn’t have that power over me. What I felt for this man was different. It was unhealthy, but I didn’t care. I just wanted him to be happy and to be happy with me. This time it didn’t last for 2 years, not even a full year.

I was sitting by myself thinking of different ways to cheer him up because he had been feeling down due to not being able to find stable work. — Then I began to think beyond him. I thought about all the money I spent on him that I could have placed into my savings. I thought about the house I was going to purchase BY MYSELF for US to live in together. I thought about what type of father figure he would be for my own children. And then I thought about what type of relationship could I really have with this man since he was so used to me catering to his every need not just emotionally, but also financially. I didn’t know who I was becoming. I was supposed to be restarting my life after my divorce, not reopening an old wound. How did this man have such a choke-hold on my soul? The only benefit to him was that he was beautiful. NOTHING ELSE. Was I that vain???? It’s like he was a trophy, but not really a reward.

Dress: Urban Outfitters

After thinking about all of this, my conversations with him became different. I started to slowly step away. He notice. At first he was concerned, then it turned into battle and placing blame on me for not being “supportive”. The very last conversation I had with him was when I had just got off a flight, I was extremely tired and driving home. He called demanding me to do something for him immediately, telling me that it would be very simple and that I could sleep after I was done….I WAS PISSED. I yelled at him and told him that he was being inconsiderate and that I was not going to do anything for him anymore. Then he had the audacity to spit out the words, “I need you to take care of everything right now.” That was it for me. I was done. I hung up, blocked him from all forms of contact, went home and got some sleep. Never spoke to him again. — If he wasn't such a disappointment….or if I was really so moronic, he would have probably got some sons out of me….then again, my ex got a son out of me and he…never mind.

You see, I’ve done stupid things. And I always joke that I have lived many lives before today, which isn’t entirely false since most of my friends only know about my ex-husband. Well, surprise! I was once a dumbass too! I’m so grateful I was still young enough to recover from it and caught myself before I dug too deep of a hole that I couldn’t get out of.

I want to conclude with this: As strong as some people may be, they also get tired, they also need a break, they also need a helping hand. The problem with strong people is that they don’t make excuses, they don’t allow their weaknesses to hinder them, they exceed expectations and people always hold them to that standard not considering their human need for mental rest. Disconnecting is healthy and it’s not encouraged or applauded enough. — Let this sink in.

• There was one time I needed a break from everything, it was granted to me, but during my break I was still thrown tasks to get completed and the reason was “I don’t trust anyone else to do it but you, Raya.” ….which translated to me that I will never truly get a break.