Old Sitcom Loves

“I will never go hungry, I just don’t accepted everything that’s offered to me.”

“I am impressed by a man who shows me he has good values.”

I've been watching 80s and 90's sitcoms lately and noticed how cute the interactions are with two people who like each other. Saying sweet things to each other, giving each other compliments, and offering to help and support. It may sound corny, but I remember getting butterflies over a high school crush. And I'm wondering if I could have that feeling again. But let me not confuse you guys, I still cannot dedicate myself to a relationship, I would just like to have that little cutesy feeling and some innocent flirting.

The Effort Series

I do not remember what year this was, but boy I LOVE embracing femininity!

Do you remember how you were in high school? You know like how you might get nervous to talk to someone so you're a little shy but you don't want to say the wrong things so you might stumble over your words and be a little awkward.

Please don't judge me. And let me be honest with you guys, I do get nervous and somewhat awkward when someone compliments me. I just don't know how to take compliments because I feel like I never know if it's genuine or not or if they're just saying it because it sounds good to say.

Ugh...I just would like to have sweet moments where a guy makes me smile and just feel good about everything...and then let me go off to study. I need to get this degree first! Penis is not my priority, but I still want a guy to be there for me. Is that selfish? Like, I'd comfort him too, maybe make out a little? Yeah, I sound super corny, I just can't give all of myself to anyone right now. 

But if I were to keep being honest with myself, I do like it when a man surprises me. Not with flowers or gifts, but shows me the type of character he is. I get very impressed if I find out a man involves himself in community service, coaches a kids sports team, or mentors the youth. I FCKN LOVE IT. We can work, then bs and party, but I love it when a man does things beyond himself and shows me that he has a very good heart. And in these sitcoms you see the characters go through life lessons and learn from their mistakes. I love seeing growth in a man. I love knowing a man identifies his issues and makes a conscious effort to do better. A man like this has good morals and values and a man like this would be a blessing to my life.

What Could a 4-6 Week Lockdown Mean?

This is hypothetical, but it can happen if the President Elect seals the deal.

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We've been at this since March, oh how long ago that felt like... remember Tiger King, killer hornets, learning how to wash our hands, alcohol deliveries, everyone making bread and sharing their home-cooked meals or home DIYs...fond memories. — It feels like we've been 5 years into 2020 so far.

And let's not talk about the kids learning virtually, I. AM. TRAUMATIZED. Ideally, I imagine there are companies strategizing on how to make online learning for young students more effective and enjoyable, when there's a need, fill it. Not to discredit K-12, an online learning platform that's been graduating kids since 2000. Some parents aren't educators (I fall into this category) and some children learn better in person. I told my daughter this can help her prepare for a different version of college, she'll still be able to work and travel the world without being stuck in a classroom all day. I definitely do not oppose online learning considering I opted for it myself the last few years. It just takes discipline and focus.

But what could it mean of we undergo a serious shutdown? Well, let's be honest, the economy will suffer even more. No one going out, gallivanting in the streets, shopping, going out to eat, traveling, getting sweaters for our dogs. ‍ME ⬅️, I'm one of those people who profusely stimulates the economy because I'm always buying stupid shit I don't need, but even I'm getting tried of online checkouts…Sorry Amazon I just don't feel the same way anymore, can we still be friends? Although the purpose of the lockdown is for the economy to thrive and get back to "normal".

England has already began their efforts in late October. I mentioned it to my sister and her comment was, "Yeah, we need one too because I just want to f*cking go to Disney World.” — Let's throw her some Mickey ears and churros to keep her calm. I feel her sentiment though, the closest tropical place I went to was...nowhere, I've been stuck here like the rest of you sensible people who know how to behave. No sun kissed skin, no clear blue ocean water, no volleyball on the sand, no cabana boys feeding me recycled compliments for tips, NOTHING.

Sorry, my distain for 2020 is showing a little too much. Maybe that's why I've been so moody lately, normally by this time of year I already enjoyed at least two vacations. Traveling wasn't completely off the tables for everyone, I know a few people who flew to other countries and stayed healthy, you just have to follow the guidelines.

Anyway....

On November 9th, I saw my stocks blossom. I spoke to a friend that evening, we went through our portfolios and discussed how we can make a few adjustments to keep our investments in the green. Yet, if the U.S. were to put up "Sorry, We're Closed" signs, I don't expect for the market to do so well because it feeds off the people. Keep in mind, the U.S. survived the Great Depression, didn't it? And aren't Americans more resourceful now? I'd like to believe so, otherwise what's the allure of immigrants like me coming here, obtaining a citizenship, and building a good life? So, I'm not too concerned about the market. I don't put money in there that I need to live off of anyway.

Five Java - Tuscaloosa, AL

Five Java - Tuscaloosa, AL

And have you noticed prices going up on groceries or seeing a sanitizing charge at some eat-in restaurants? Well, businesses have to make up their profits in some way. They have to keep the lights on, pay leasing, pay taxes, buy inventory, maintain working equipment, and of course pay employees just to list of few things owners have to think about. Could this mean a surge in costs after coming out of a potential close out? And should we go into unemployment? Or has that been a sensitive topic all year? With what I do, some months I saw spikes in applications, other months I barely saw 10 in one week. But even while interviewing, the demeanors I see are either lackluster or just too excitable to work with little emotional range in between.

Sports? What sports?

The holidays this year will definitely have a different look and feel. Not sure where I'll be yet, I may be solo dolo because best believe I'm not doing large gatherings and I don't want to talk about politics at anyone's dinner table. I even deactivated my Facebook account because I didn't want to keep seeing repelling arguments from both sides, it's like watching trains collide with no conductors, so yeah, just pass me the yams that's already in the Tupperware because breaking out the fine China is useless at this point, maybe we can still use silverware over the plastic utensils, sound fair?

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Do we need a lockdown? I think so. The COVID numbers are still climbing, people are either not caring or just accepting this reality as the new normal? Newsflash, catching a virus that potentially can kill you within months or even weeks is not a new normal I want to welcome. I can't image the pain of losing someone over this or what about my loved ones losing me? To never be able to see me again because I wanted to be careless with my health and safety. Keeping ourselves away from the outside isn't the end of the world, yeah there will be some economic repercussions, but I think we all just need to have a time out. I'm more introverted than I am extroverted and I am actually more productive when I stay distant. It gives me the chance to think about different aspects of my life, what is bringing value to me, what is draining me, what is most important to me, what I need to let go of, and what or who I want in my future.

If we do this lockdown now or whenever Biden proposes, we have the make the most of it and know it will bring us closer to 'living' again. Plus, it will allow us to look forward to an enjoyable summer. I know I need it, don't you?

Why would we keep wanting to do the same things and expect different results? (Let this one sink into each part of your life. Don’t exclude that sometimes YOU can have toxic behaviors.)

 
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I Ghosted My Skeleton...Twice

I get a lot of praise for being a strong woman, for being confident, fearless and having no man problems - “got 99 problems but a b*tch ain’t one” - Thanks Jay, but it wasn’t always this way. I too have done foolish things for a man I thought I loved. We all have skeletons in our closet, I have just one and I ghosted him many years ago.

Dress: Toxic Envy

Dress: Toxic Envy

Ghosting is a fairly new term the kids are using these days to describe an action when someone stops all communication with you without notice or warning. So when I “ghosted” my skeleton, it was just considered “disappearing” out of his life.

I was in high school. I was young, naive and thought I had my whole life figured out. (Like many high schoolers, huh?) I met a man who was several years older than me, an athlete (played overseas), he was gorgeous, tall, smooth, beautiful hair, great smile, amazing lips…everything shallow that I loved. We began hanging out all the time, I became infatuated with him. I wanted to be around him every moment of every day, but I still had school and work.

It quickly became toxic. Anytime he called, I went running. I missed so many days of school for him that I almost failed a grade due to my absences. I cancelled outings with my friends and I made excuses to not be available for anyone else other than him. When I didn’t hear from him, my mental anguish became physical in the sense that I wouldn’t eat, I’d stay in bed all day, I’d be moody, and I wouldn’t talk to anyone. He was my drug. I would have done almost doing anything for this man, I even slightly supported him financially. When I couldn’t come through on a request he had of me, he would get angry and make me feel guilty for not caring about him enough and I actually began believing that I really wasn’t doing enough, my self-esteem was bruised.

He was very needy…and I wanted to be needed by him. If he was upset, I had to find a way to make him smile. If he was in a good mood, I had to find a way to make it last. [Later in life I realized he is one of those people who resented not being granted certain opportunities that he felt he deserved in life, but not admitting that his own behaviors and decisions held him back.] He would compliment me when he wanted something and he’d make promises to coax me, but rarely came through with those promises. He was in and out of my life for at least 2 years. And the behaviors were always the same. He didn’t once think about all the efforts I made to adjust to him.

THIS WAS ALL WHILE I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Sweatshirt: Backseat Love | Skirt: Fendi

Sweatshirt: Backseat Love | Skirt: Fendi

I was mentally drained. I was emotionally depleted. I hated feeling like someone had complete control over me. I felt empty…all the time. Finally, one time he called while out of town and needed me to wire him money to get a ticket back home along with a phone card (telling my age here), I said “Okay, I’ll get it done.” then the call ended. I didn’t wire him any money and I didn’t get him a phone card. It was the last time I spoke to him. It took me months to get him out of my system. I still thought of him daily — “What if I just call once to check up on him?” “Maybe I can just talk to him without anything more.” — I forced myself to go out and enjoy missed time with my friends and I prepared myself for college.

I went on with my life, met the future father of my children the summer before my freshman year and didn’t think of that man again…until my divorce.

Yup, through a mutual acquaintance he heard I was newly unattached and found a way to reach me. We chatted and caught up over the years that passed. The itch for him started to come back. I foolishly looked over our past issues and eagerly allowed him back into my life thinking things would be different….and it was for the first few months. He was still gorgeous, the same as I remembered him looking. — The years weren’t bad to him. It wasn’t too long after that it became reminiscent of my high school years. This time, I was practically supporting his entire life, but also this time I now had two children to support. I don’t know how I did it, but I found a way to appease everyone. For some reason he still had that same hold on me, even after all these years. The father of my children didn’t have that power over me. What I felt for this man was different. It was unhealthy, but I didn’t care. I just wanted him to be happy and to be happy with me. This time it didn’t last for 2 years, not even a full year.

I was sitting by myself thinking of different ways to cheer him up because he had been feeling down due to not being able to find stable work. — Then I began to think beyond him. I thought about all the money I spent on him that I could have placed into my savings. I thought about the house I was going to purchase BY MYSELF for US to live in together. I thought about what type of father figure he would be for my own children. And then I thought about what type of relationship could I really have with this man since he was so used to me catering to his every need not just emotionally, but also financially. I didn’t know who I was becoming. I was supposed to be restarting my life after my divorce, not reopening an old wound. How did this man have such a choke-hold on my soul? The only benefit to him was that he was beautiful. NOTHING ELSE. Was I that vain???? It’s like he was a trophy, but not really a reward.

After thinking about all of this, my conversations with him became different. I started to slowly step away. He notice. At first he was concerned, then it turned into battle and placing blame on me for not being “supportive”. The very last conversation I had with him was when I had just got off a flight, I was extremely tired and driving home. He called demanding me to do something for him immediately, telling me that it would be very simple and that I could sleep after I was done….I WAS PISSED. I yelled at him and told him that he was being inconsiderate and that I was not going to do anything for him anymore. Then he had the audacity to spit out the words, “I need you to take care of everything right now.” That was it for me. I was done. I hung up, blocked him from all forms of contact, went home and got some sleep. Never spoke to him again. — If he wasn't such a disappointment….or if I was really so moronic, he would have probably got some sons out of me….then again, my ex got a son out of me and he…never mind.

You see, I’ve done stupid things. And I always joke that I have lived many lives before today, which isn’t entirely false since most of my friends only know about my ex-husband. Well, surprise! I was once a dumbass too! I’m so grateful I was still young enough to recover from it and caught myself before I dug too deep of a hole that I couldn’t get out of.

I want to conclude with this: As strong as some people may be, they also get tired, they also need a break, they also need a helping hand. The problem with strong people is that they don’t make excuses, they don’t allow their weaknesses to hinder them, they exceed expectations and people always hold them to that standard not considering their human need for mental rest. Disconnecting is healthy and it’s not encouraged or applauded enough. — Let this sink in.

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  • There was one time I needed a break from everything, it was granted to me, but during my break I was still thrown tasks to get completed and the reason was “I don’t trust anyone else to do it but you, Raya.” ….which translated to me that I will never truly get a break.