Successful Kids

I love how everyone has a say on how to raise kids, but what is it we really want out of our children? To grow up and be positive and progressive functioning members of society. Yes?

There are tons of books written by "experts" advising you on how to be a good parent and raise perfect offspring. Those books did not see a penny from me. Although, every now and then I come across articles that give me insight on "good parenting".

1. Want to Raise Successful Kids? Science Says These 5 Habits Matter Most

2. 7 Tips on How to Raise Successful Children According to Science

3. Science Say Parents of Successful Kids Have These 24 Things in Common

First, let's point out the obvious in each of these titles, science. But don't let that steer you away, it's more of studies and interviews than pills and potions. Each of the articles address reflections of behavior from adults. -- Human behavior is a studying science.

How we parent will affect how our children become. Teaching your children patience, kindness, acceptance, empathy, and encouraging them to explore their interests promotes a healthy relationship between parent and child. That is the goal, right? Being able to talk with your children through life's major and minor obstacles. We also should remember that just as we made mistakes growing up, our kids will too. So allowing them to fall is not bad parenting. Let them learn about faults and failure and teach them to be aware of their decisions instead of overreacting towards them because...are YOU perfect?

Yes, we want are kids to be great, do good things, get high marks in school, win, and stay out of trouble, but how realistic is that? When we put too much on the youth, they can develop mental wellness concerns that hinders their views and understanding of the world. Stress, anxiety, and depression are not void of taking hold of people under 18 or 21. If your expectations are too high to or not even practical, your kids can become overwhelmed to appease you.

Display the expectations you want your kids to mirror, but you won't be their only role model and that's okay. The relationships you build with your children will reflect on the types role models they chose to admire. Even when you are not directly interacting with kids, they see and hear more than you may perceive. The way you speak to strangers, the way you treat service workers, the way you handle a conflict, the way you act towards loved ones, the way you take care of yourself, the way you express your thoughts or emotions, the types of relationships you foster, the kinds of people you bring them around -- children are either going to strive to be like you or look elsewhere for what you have not shown them.

I raise and treat my kids in a way where they know I love and support them, but they also know there are kinds of behaviors I will not tolerate. I am not blinded by the love I have for my kids; I know they can be in bad form at times. My kids do challenge their elders, most time it is when they want more clarity, which is acceptable, but other times it's an observation they made hidden under sarcasm and sass; that is something they see from me. I speak to my kids as if they are inexperienced adults because in actuality, that is what they are; young people who will grow up to have a life with little or without my direct influence. -- Hopefully, my guidance remains with them. They are surprisingly quick-witted for their age of knowledge and they can articulate understanding within their own world. But what is it that I do? I help bridge the gaps of ignorance, pain, loss, judgments, misfortunes, and misunderstanding to the bigger world.

---

What Could a 4-6 Week Lockdown Mean?

This is hypothetical, but it can happen if the President Elect seals the deal.

We've been at this since March, oh how long ago that felt like... remember Tiger King, killer hornets, learning how to wash our hands, alcohol deliveries, everyone making bread and sharing their home-cooked meals or home DIYs...fond memories. — It feels like we've been 5 years into 2020 so far.

And let's not talk about the kids learning virtually, I. AM. TRAUMATIZED. Ideally, I imagine there are companies strategizing on how to make online learning for young students more effective and enjoyable, when there's a need, fill it. Not to discredit K-12, an online learning platform that's been graduating kids since 2000. Some parents aren't educators (I fall into this category) and some children learn better in person. I told my daughter this can help her prepare for a different version of college, she'll still be able to work and travel the world without being stuck in a classroom all day. I definitely do not oppose online learning considering I opted for it myself the last few years. It just takes discipline and focus.

But what could it mean of we undergo a serious shutdown? Well, let's be honest, the economy will suffer even more. No one going out, gallivanting in the streets, shopping, going out to eat, traveling, getting sweaters for our dogs. ‍ME ⬅️, I'm one of those people who profusely stimulates the economy because I'm always buying stupid shit I don't need, but even I'm getting tried of online checkouts…Sorry Amazon I just don't feel the same way anymore, can we still be friends? Although the purpose of the lockdown is for the economy to thrive and get back to "normal".

England has already began their efforts in late October. I mentioned it to my sister and her comment was, "Yeah, we need one too because I just want to f*cking go to Disney World.” — Let's throw her some Mickey ears and churros to keep her calm. I feel her sentiment though, the closest tropical place I went to was...nowhere, I've been stuck here like the rest of you sensible people who know how to behave. No sun kissed skin, no clear blue ocean water, no volleyball on the sand, no cabana boys feeding me recycled compliments for tips, NOTHING.

Sorry, my distain for 2020 is showing a little too much. Maybe that's why I've been so moody lately, normally by this time of year I already enjoyed at least two vacations. Traveling wasn't completely off the tables for everyone, I know a few people who flew to other countries and stayed healthy, you just have to follow the guidelines.

Anyway....

On November 9th, I saw my stocks blossom. I spoke to a friend that evening, we went through our portfolios and discussed how we can make a few adjustments to keep our investments in the green. Yet, if the U.S. were to put up "Sorry, We're Closed" signs, I don't expect for the market to do so well because it feeds off the people. Keep in mind, the U.S. survived the Great Depression, didn't it? And aren't Americans more resourceful now? I'd like to believe so, otherwise what's the allure of immigrants like me coming here, obtaining a citizenship, and building a good life? So, I'm not too concerned about the market. I don't put money in there that I need to live off of anyway.

Five Java - Tuscaloosa, AL

And have you noticed prices going up on groceries or seeing a sanitizing charge at some eat-in restaurants? Well, businesses have to make up their profits in some way. They have to keep the lights on, pay leasing, pay taxes, buy inventory, maintain working equipment, and of course pay employees just to list of few things owners have to think about. Could this mean a surge in costs after coming out of a potential close out? And should we go into unemployment? Or has that been a sensitive topic all year? With what I do, some months I saw spikes in applications, other months I barely saw 10 in one week. But even while interviewing, the demeanors I see are either lackluster or just too excitable to work with little emotional range in between.

Sports? What sports?

The holidays this year will definitely have a different look and feel. Not sure where I'll be yet, I may be solo dolo because best believe I'm not doing large gatherings and I don't want to talk about politics at anyone's dinner table. I even deactivated my Facebook account because I didn't want to keep seeing repelling arguments from both sides, it's like watching trains collide with no conductors, so yeah, just pass me the yams that's already in the Tupperware because breaking out the fine China is useless at this point, maybe we can still use silverware over the plastic utensils, sound fair?

Do we need a lockdown? I think so. The COVID numbers are still climbing, people are either not caring or just accepting this reality as the new normal? Newsflash, catching a virus that potentially can kill you within months or even weeks is not a new normal I want to welcome. I can't image the pain of losing someone over this or what about my loved ones losing me? To never be able to see me again because I wanted to be careless with my health and safety. Keeping ourselves away from the outside isn't the end of the world, yeah there will be some economic repercussions, but I think we all just need to have a time out. I'm more introverted than I am extroverted and I am actually more productive when I stay distant. It gives me the chance to think about different aspects of my life, what is bringing value to me, what is draining me, what is most important to me, what I need to let go of, and what or who I want in my future.

If we do this lockdown now or whenever Biden proposes, we have the make the most of it and know it will bring us closer to 'living' again. Plus, it will allow us to look forward to an enjoyable summer. I know I need it, don't you?

Why would we keep wanting to do the same things and expect different results? (Let this one sink into each part of your life. Don’t exclude that sometimes YOU can have toxic behaviors.)

---

Not Being Like Your Parents When Parenting

I gave the world two extra…

Holidays circa 2013.

Growing up, my father did everything he could to give my siblings and I a comfortable life.  He put aside his own wants to appease our wishes.  He worked, cooked, did all the shopping, school meetings, took us to practices…he did it all. 

In hindsight, he may have done too much.  Although, my siblings and I aren’t living overly lavish, we do have a sense of security knowing that our Father will not let us completely fall flat on our faces.  He is our crutch. 

In my early 20’s I spent money like it was water and anytime I got into a bind or needed extra cash, I called Daddy.  He has bought me several cars (even after I crashed one while being stupid and playing speeding racer on I95), he’s paid off a few of my bills, helped with some of my other expenses and then some. – Image him doing all this for THREE kids.  Don’t get misinformed, he didn’t do everything for me, there were some financial life lessons I had to learn on my own, but Daddy did pitch in more so than not. I am grateful that he was able to do all that he did, but I sometimes wonder if I would have learned to be more self-sufficient earlier on in life if he did not come to my rescue so much?

I’m the oldest of my siblings and those who have multiples can maybe agree that the first child receives or was handed more discipline growing up than your other children.  My father and I have had a few discussions about this anytime I see him being more lenient with my brother and sister, the conclusion is always, “Your first child is your example child.” (This may mean several things depending on how you parent.) And he even once said to me, “I want you to be better.” I give my Father a little break since my siblings are 1 year a part from one another and I am 5/6 years older than both, so when he only had to deal with one adolescent with me, he did his best dealing with two adolescent teens with them, but all of us were still a little too spoiled and we process the realities of life differently than most.  My Father coddled us and we took advantage of that and we began to expect it every time something was going badly in our lives. – A behavior I don’t want my kids to develop.

Yup, I’m somebody’s momma.

Today, my relationship with my Father is one of the best.  He is watching me elevate professionally, making better decisions in my personally, be a parent to my children, and on the flip side, I am seeing him settle into his own life and rediscovering his passions.  Yet, in true Daddy form, he is behaving the same way towards his grandchildren that he did with his own kids…Who lets a 9 year old dictate what’s for dinner or decides where the family vacation should be? – My Dad. (My son practically has his Pop-Pop wrapped around his fingers and let me not get started on how my daughter gets her way with him.)

With what I learned from my Father, my own experiences, and knowing what type of people I want my kids to be, I know I cannot be the same parent my Dad was for me and these are my reason why:

• I’m a woman: My instincts and my perceptions differ from a male’s point of view.  Although I don’t want to push my agenda on my kids, I want them to understand certain traditional gender roles, such as my son opening door for girls or walking on the outside of the street, and my daughter not chasing after boys (Ladies, we don’t chase the men, that is NOT OUR PLACE. – I also tell my daughter not to expect someone to take her somewhere that she cannot afford to go on her own.)

• I’m not quiet:  I’m not outrageously vocal or offensive, but I do speak my mind and I do want my kids to not only be vocal on what they believe in, I want them to understand why they are passionate about something.  I don’t want them to be sheep and accept everything they see or hear; I want them to do the research and process information effectively.

• I am parenting in today’s world: With each new generation, the environment differs from the last. Let’s not sugarcoat it, there are severe matters in this world that I cannot protect my kids from, but I have to be diligent in giving them the tools on how to appropriately react and behave towards anything that is against them.

• I’m not a helicopter parent: Unlike my Father, I am not really a “Soccer Mom”.  I’m proactive with their academics and very adamant about them doing well with their studies.  I let my kids make their own choices on what they want to do outside of school and they can come talk to me if there are issues.  I am not one of those parents who thinks my children are saints and can do no wrong. – I know my kids and yes, they can be assholes…they ARE being raised my me and I know how I can be. So, I may protect their choices in public, but in private, we have a sit down and talk about what should happen next time.

• I am not going to be their Emergency ATM: Again, unlike my Father, my kids are going to have an understanding of their own finances and how it will impact them if they go beyond their means.  I’m very brazen with this topic mainly because after I began to see how hard I had to work to support the life I want; I encourage my kids to understand that I’m not just going to hand out an “easy button” for them.  I give them trips, lunch/dinner dates, and shopping sprees at times, but anything they want on their own, there is work to be involved.

• Self-Care: I talk about this a lot and this is important for parents as well. Aside from being a parent, I am still an individual.  I still need to take care of myself and make sure my state of mind is in a good place so I can be a good mother.  Some parents may think Self-Care is selfish, but I require it and this is something my Father and I differ on.  He believes you just take on your responsibilities and keep going, whereas I believe I need to stop and take breaks every now and then.  My father also doesn’t believe in stress, anxiety, or depression, he just keeps doing what he has to do. I am not my Father in this regard.

Disney circa 2014.

No one can anticipate how you will be as a parent when your facing different scenarios. You just take from what you saw or didn’t see when you were being raise and do what You feel is best for your family. My father an I do not agree on the many ways I am bringing up my kids and I didn’t agree on some of the ways he has brought me up, but here we are and this is what I am doing. What we do agree on is that I love my kids, he loves his kids and his grandkids and we are both going to do what we believe is best for our families.

Are Mothers Ruining Their Sons For Future Relationships?

Let’s dwell on this a little.

When he was 6 months old.

My youngest is a boy and I’m always doting on him. When he was a toddler, I would rub his back until he fell asleep. I’d go out of my way to get him the toys he wanted and anytime I am out of town, he requests that I come back baring gifts and I do. He is not really a picky eater, but he likes what he likes and if he asks me to make his favorite meal, I comply — his PopPop (my father) does the same for him. There is a particular dish he likes that I make and he won’t ask or allow anyone else to make it for him. I always tell my son how handsome he is, how smart he is and I hug on him all the time. I allow him to take over my bed or change the channel if I am watching a show…Am I doing too much?

About a year old.

My daughter who is a teenager got the same treatment when she was his age, but I am aware boys and girls mentally develop differently. Both kids have debit cards connected to my account and anytime they ask, I transfer money to them, we have family dinner or bunch dates and there are times when only my daughter and I head out to do things together, so don’t think my son is getting the upper-hand over my daughter. I am teaching my daughter to grant herself the life she wants and not to accept anything less than she deserves, so no Applebee’s dates for that young lady, she likes scenic patio dining. There is a difference in how you love each of your kids, but for a boy, am I teaching my son this is how a woman should treat him?

My father claims both my children are high-maintenance especially my son. (Yet, my dad doesn't like it when I remind him that he raised me and my siblings the same way. Even now, anytime I get sick, guess who I'm calling?)

Hold on though, I also teach my son to open doors for girls and compliment them. Every now and then he’s say to his sister, “You look beautiful.” and sometimes when getting in the car, he’ll open my door first before getting in himself, and he LOVES my sister (probably more than me), their relationship is very tight. All his teachers at school say how sweet and caring my son is, so I must be doing something right, Yes?

Once when my son was 2 years old, I was out of town and my sister sent me a picture of him playing on his piano with a picture of me propped up in front of him. — He missed me. My boy still acts the same way when I am gone and with how he has been growing, I am so proud of my little man…even though he’ll be taller than me in a few years, I’ll still pinch his cheeks and tickle behind his neck. You should see how he looks now, he’s passed my shoulders and can practically pick me up.

When he was about 18 months old.

I just feel like since he is still so young, that I need to cater to him the way that I do. He is very self sufficient for his age, but I want him to be comfortable and to feel loved…is this too much mom-ing? I don’t want him growing up and dating a girl and expecting her to do all these things I do for him (I’m going to have to teach his future wife how to make his favorite meals). His father used to make comments, “my mom did this, my mom did that, my mom, my mom…” and there were certain reasons why he said such things, but at times it was unnecessary. Yes, a woman has her place in the relationship, but so does a man.

It used to toil in my mind when men would ask, “Can you cook?” and I’m like, “Bitch, can YOU cook? Feeding yourself is a survival skill, not a gender role. And can you build a house? A dining room table? Can you put together a shelf? Do you know how to clean a bathroom? How about using a lawnmower? Do you know when trash day is in your neighborhood to put out the cans the evening before? Can you change a tire or the oil, do you even know how to check the fluids? Because I know how to all of that.” — So you see, I can spoil my son and still embed into him what he should also bring to a relationship. But I cannot be sure what type of man he will be until he reaches those stages in life.

Goodness, if he becomes like any of these men I know today….I am in so much trouble!