Successful Kids

December 26, 2021

I love how everyone has a say on how to raise kids, but what is it we really want out of our children? To grow up and be positive and progressive functioning members of society. Yes?

There are tons of books written by "experts" advising you on how to be a good parent and raise perfect offspring. Those books did not see a penny from me. Although, every now and then I come across articles that give me insight on "good parenting".

First, let's point out the obvious in each of these titles, science. But don't let that steer you away, it's more of studies and interviews than pills and potions. Each of the articles address reflections of behavior from adults. -- Human behavior is a studying science.

How we parent will affect how our children become. Teaching your children patience, kindness, acceptance, empathy, and encouraging them to explore their interests promotes a healthy relationship between parent and child. That is the goal, right? Being able to talk with your children through life's major and minor obstacles. We also should remember that just as we made mistakes growing up, our kids will too. So allowing them to fall is not bad parenting. Let them learn about faults and failure and teach them to be aware of their decisions instead of overreacting towards them because...are YOU perfect?

Yes, we want are kids to be great, do good things, get high marks in school, win, and stay out of trouble, but how realistic is that? When we put too much on the youth, they can develop mental wellness concerns that hinders their views and understanding of the world. Stress, anxiety, and depression are not void of taking hold of people under 18 or 21. If your expectations are too high to or not even practical, your kids can become overwhelmed to appease you.

Display the expectations you want your kids to mirror, but you won't be their only role model and that's okay. The relationships you build with your children will reflect on the types role models they chose to admire. Even when you are not directly interacting with kids, they see and hear more than you may perceive. The way you speak to strangers, the way you treat service workers, the way you handle a conflict, the way you act towards loved ones, the way you take care of yourself, the way you express your thoughts or emotions, the types of relationships you foster, the kinds of people you bring them around -- children are either going to strive to be like you or look elsewhere for what you have not shown them.

I raise and treat my kids in a way where they know I love and support them, but they also know there are kinds of behaviors I will not tolerate. I am not blinded by the love I have for my kids; I know they can be in bad form at times. My kids do challenge their elders, most time it is when they want more clarity, which is acceptable, but other times it's an observation they made hidden under sarcasm and sass; that is something they see from me. I speak to my kids as if they are inexperienced adults because in actuality, that is what they are; young people who will grow up to have a life with little or without my direct influence. -- Hopefully, my guidance remains with them. They are surprisingly quick-witted for their age of knowledge and they can articulate understanding within their own world. But what is it that I do? I help bridge the gaps of ignorance, pain, loss, judgments, misfortunes, and misunderstanding to the bigger world.

Not Being Like Your Parents When Parenting

November 6, 2020

I gave the world two extra…

Growing up, my father did everything he could to give my siblings and I a comfortable life. He put aside his own wants to appease our wishes. He worked, cooked, did all the shopping, school meetings, took us to practices…he did it all.

In hindsight, he may have done too much. Although, my siblings and I aren’t living overly lavish, we do have a sense of security knowing that our Father will not let us completely fall flat on our faces. He is our crutch.

In my early 20’s I spent money like it was water and anytime I got into a bind or needed extra cash, I called Daddy. He has bought me several cars (even after I crashed one while being stupid and playing speeding racer on I95), he’s paid off a few of my bills, helped with some of my other expenses and then some. – Image him doing all this for THREE kids. Don’t get misinformed, he didn’t do everything for me, there were some financial life lessons I had to learn on my own, but Daddy did pitch in more so than not. I am grateful that he was able to do all that he did, but I sometimes wonder if I would have learned to be more self-sufficient earlier on in life if he did not come to my rescue so much?

I’m the oldest of my siblings and those who have multiples can maybe agree that the first child receives or was handed more discipline growing up than your other children. My father and I have had a few discussions about this anytime I see him being more lenient with my brother and sister, the conclusion is always, “Your first child is your example child.” (This may mean several things depending on how you parent.) And he even once said to me, “I want you to be better.” I give my Father a little break since my siblings are 1 year a part from one another and I am 5/6 years older than both, so when he only had to deal with one adolescent with me, he did his best dealing with two adolescent teens with them, but all of us were still a little too spoiled and we process the realities of life differently than most. My Father coddled us and we took advantage of that and we began to expect it every time something was going badly in our lives. – A behavior I don’t want my kids to develop.

Today, my relationship with my Father is one of the best. He is watching me elevate professionally, making better decisions in my personally, be a parent to my children, and on the flip side, I am seeing him settle into his own life and rediscovering his passions. Yet, in true Daddy form, he is behaving the same way towards his grandchildren that he did with his own kids…Who lets a 9 year old dictate what’s for dinner or decides where the family vacation should be? – My Dad. (My son practically has his Pop-Pop wrapped around his fingers and let me not get started on how my daughter gets her way with him.)

With what I learned from my Father, my own experiences, and knowing what type of people I want my kids to be, I know I cannot be the same parent my Dad was for me and these are my reason why:

I’m a woman: My instincts and my perceptions differ from a male’s point of view. Although I don’t want to push my agenda on my kids, I want them to understand certain traditional gender roles, such as my son opening door for girls or walking on the outside of the street, and my daughter not chasing after boys (Ladies, we don’t chase the men, that is NOT OUR PLACE. – I also tell my daughter not to expect someone to take her somewhere that she cannot afford to go on her own.)
I’m not quiet: I’m not outrageously vocal or offensive, but I do speak my mind and I do want my kids to not only be vocal on what they believe in, I want them to understand why they are passionate about something. I don’t want them to be sheep and accept everything they see or hear; I want them to do the research and process information effectively.
I am parenting in today’s world: With each new generation, the environment differs from the last. Let’s not sugarcoat it, there are severe matters in this world that I cannot protect my kids from, but I have to be diligent in giving them the tools on how to appropriately react and behave towards anything that is against them.
I’m not a helicopter parent: Unlike my Father, I am not really a “Soccer Mom”. I’m proactive with their academics and very adamant about them doing well with their studies. I let my kids make their own choices on what they want to do outside of school and they can come talk to me if there are issues. I am not one of those parents who thinks my children are saints and can do no wrong. – I know my kids and yes, they can be assholes…they ARE being raised my me and I know how I can be. So, I may protect their choices in public, but in private, we have a sit down and talk about what should happen next time.
I am not going to be their Emergency ATM: Again, unlike my Father, my kids are going to have an understanding of their own finances and how it will impact them if they go beyond their means. I’m very brazen with this topic mainly because after I began to see how hard I had to work to support the life I want; I encourage my kids to understand that I’m not just going to hand out an “easy button” for them. I give them trips, lunch/dinner dates, and shopping sprees at times, but anything they want on their own, there is work to be involved.
Self-Care: I talk about this a lot and this is important for parents as well. Aside from being a parent, I am still an individual. I still need to take care of myself and make sure my state of mind is in a good place so I can be a good mother. Some parents may think Self-Care is selfish, but I require it and this is something my Father and I differ on. He believes you just take on your responsibilities and keep going, whereas I believe I need to stop and take breaks every now and then. My father also doesn’t believe in stress, anxiety, or depression, he just keeps doing what he has to do. I am not my Father in this regard.

No one can anticipate how you will be as a parent when your facing different scenarios. You just take from what you saw or didn’t see when you were being raise and do what You feel is best for your family. My father an I do not agree on the many ways I am bringing up my kids and I didn’t agree on some of the ways he has brought me up, but here we are and this is what I am doing. What we do agree on is that I love my kids, he loves his kids and his grandkids and we are both going to do what we believe is best for our families.