Thankful & Blessed

“Here I am, humbled and extremely grateful.”

On the eve of Thanksgiving, I want to take a moment and express how thankful I am of how my life has played out and thankful for all of you who keep this platform thriving and entertaining. There’s many of you who ask me to share more of my personal life, although I do share tidbits of it, I still want to remain private about the extra details of my life. I have seen where people overshare their lives and become stressed or overwhelmed when people add in their opinions or judgements. Like people who are constantly sharing what they are doing or where they are every moment like it’s a reality show, I have no plans to ever do that. This website is just a small, but impactful portion of my life.

Other things going on that I am thankful for:

• My kids are continuing to do well in school and in their own personality developments. Both are clever and very quick-witted. They mirror my humor, but have their own funny vernacular and I do not worry about them being not being personable, kind and thoughtful of others.

• I have 1 1/2 more years until I complete my doctoral program. The studies do take up much of my headspace and free time, but once I reach this goal, I have huge personal and professional plans.

• Since I have been hyper-focus on my academics and career, I do not have any romantic drama. Although, I think the men who have met me this year would say I am cold and too nonchalant. (Which makes sense, because I am very clear that I am not looking for a partner. Maybe just someone who makes me laugh and is good company when I have the time, but no one who will make me feel like I need to cater my life to him.)

• Speaking if academics and career, my personal business aligns with both practices and is beginning to thrive. I am excited to see what it becomes in the next few years.

• My investment portfolios (not just stocks) have also allowed me to live even more comfortably than what I planned, but I still want to remain low-key in what I show people because I know people have their own opinions on what “Success” looks like. For me, it’s being able to not worry about if I can provide for myself and my family and also being able to give back to different communities, organizations, charities, and foundations.

• My friends who understand that my limited availability does not mean there’s a problem in our friendship. I have such a wonderful group of friends who are completely okay when I cannot make an outing or event with them, because they know when I do come out, it’s unforgettable.

• My health and well being is a major thing I am thankful for. I’ve had struggles with my health in previous years which contributed to my stress levels bing very high and worrying about other aspects of my life. This year I seem to have managed things a lot better. My heart, my mood, and my overall thought process is just so much more at a positive and progressive place. I’d consider that amazing GROWTH!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

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The next few topics I am finishing up are:

1. Why Are More Straight Men Behaving Like Women

   • In these topic I am going to share some of the women’s thoughts about what they have been experiencing with men and noticing some feminine characteristics. Nothing like self-care practices like going to the spa, but more like personality traits that just raise a few eyebrows.

2. Don’t Bash Someone’s Wins in Life

   • Have you ever noticed when people make snide comments about someone for their accomplishments? Maybe making comments like, “Oh she thinks she’s fancy with her Gucci bag.” Or “He acts like he’s too good now since he got that new high paying job.” Maybe you’ve made comments like this? We’ll talk about the issues of being this way towards people and how it can reveal your own insecurities or flaws.

3. A Helpful Man

   • I love a man who just helps without having to ask. I’ll detail examples of family, friends and previous lovers in this topic.

4. Pain

   • In life there is no avoiding pain or disappointment. This one may be a heavy and triggering topic, but we’ll get through it.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

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This are not my messages, but this woman is going through some nonsense! Lol. Be safe out there!

Continuous Growth

The older we get the smarter we're supposed to be, right? We're supposed to learn from our mistakes, yes? Financially, who we date, how we raise our kids, and how we treat people.

Lately, I keep coming across stories where people take a spiritual year to themselves, no dating, no sex, no overdoing social activities, etc. And at the end, they have a clearer understanding of who they are, what they want, and where they want to be. Right now, I'm kind of already doing this, but my reasons were to stay focused on my goals not for any type of self-discovery. I mean, my last intimate encounter was in 2021 with the man whose timeline didn't match up with mine. If you've been here for the last few months then you know what I'm talking about. I know people don’t always remember things the same way, but hey we’re human, right?

And you know what bothers me a little? When men don't think they should treat me special because they think I'm already too special and that other people are treating me special. Let that sink for a bit. Don't worry about what someone may or may not be doing for me, make yourself present and be special to me.

Anyway, so I am thinking about doing more research on this year of self-reflection. I believe one of my guy friends did this a few years ago, I'll have to reach out to him and ask him a few things. It is a good time for me to do it since I'm already practicing one of the things and I'm very focused on my studies, not to mention my work and how I'm planning on blending those two.

The point is I don't want to be getting older and making mistakes or keep making the same mistakes that I should know better than to do. I want to get wiser. Plus, I have 2 kids watching my moves. I not my kids' friend, I'm their mother and even though I let my babies make their own decisions, I still give them caution. I talk to my children like growing adults because that exactly what they are. My son is already learning life skills. He knows how to cook a lot of different meals and he getting really good at it. He also knows how to do his laundry, and other things that he would need to know to do when he goes off on his own and he's just in middle school. My daughter is headed off to college this year and is going to begin her post high school years without me at arms reach. These are important transitions that happening with my family.

So I wouldn't be going too far off the reservation if I take a "Spirital Me Year". The thing is I know what I want, I'm clear of who I am and I'm not ashamed to express my flaws, I just don't have patience when other people refuse to acknowledge their faulty characteristics. Like if you have a good heart then you don’t make your friends or loved ones feel like they are a bother to you and take time to reach out to them every so often. Being in your feelings is similar to letting your pride take over. I don't want you be like this either where damaging behaviors cause problems with people you should be enjoying time with. And I see these behavioral issues with many "grown" people.

It kind of like having a small mind in a big world. Or another way of saying it is that there's a difference between being from a small town vs. having a small town mentality. Things improve in small towns because people think beyond the town. It’s the same with ourselves, we become better when we think beyond our present state of being.

About the Pics: I’ve been having “Mommy Moments” when I think about my daughter and the fact that is she will be an adult in a few months and then off to college.

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Hugs and Kisses

Ladies, don’t let any of these clowns make you feel like you aren’t enough, fck them. If a man wants easy, let him have easy. There is also a difference between a man being predatory towards younger women, having an identity issue with younger women, and misunderstanding what he’s doing. Maybe my opinion doesn't hold much weight because I’m not sleeping with anyone, so I don’t care what these men do.— But hear me out…

After my intro in the last post about telling ladies not to worry about men who aren’t of their statue and who entertain the younger generations, I got endless amount of messages for a lot of you women sharing your stories about heartache dealing with the same issues.

Ladies, I need you all to love yourselves. And I need you all to have friend groups that support all that you are. Affirm yourself no matter what status you’re at in life as long as you are striving to be better and be happier. I’m of a certain age and I’ve not had a lot of relationships, but I have had hurtful dealings with men. And guess what, I didn’t let any of the situations stop me from being great, I might have paused a bit to cater to my emotions, but after that, I went about my business. And please don’t assume I’m good because of how I look. I know how I look and I know how men look at me, but that’s not a major factor of my self-esteem. My confidence comes from the fact that I’ve been able to push through any difficulties that face me and know that whatever I grow from is going to build me to be stronger so I can conquer the next hurdle. My confidence also comes from the fact that each stage of my life, I’ve elevated. I’m not at the same place I was 20 years ago or even 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. And my peace is knowing that I have people who love and see me for me, not for what I can do for them.

Song: “Can I” by Kehlani

So ladies, if you have a man, a lover, or a sweetheart, that’s great, but don’t lose yourself in them. Because no matter how that plays out, you still have you. And that’s what I’m teaching and showing my kids, no matter who they love, they still need to take care of themselves too. When I am going through pain or a stressful situation, sometimes I seclude myself so I can figure out how I want, should, or need to feel. I may book a spa appointment, go on a weekend trip by myself, stay in bed and watch tv all day, or just head out to have a drink. You have to reconnect with yourself. Love can stress you out and these men sometimes don’t make it better, but you can’t rely on them for that.

Don’t get me wrong, there are amazing men out here. Much of them are my friends, and they are so amazing that sometimes when I am hanging out with them and one of their sweethearts are around they still see about me first and make sure I’m okay and having a good time before checking on their lovers. Most men are not like this, but that is the difference with my friends seeing and loving me for me because they know as strong as I can be, I’m still very delicate and they treat me as such. And this is what I meant when I say having friend groups that support all that you are. I remember one time, one of my friends got stood up on a date and she called me about it. I told her to stay put and I got dress went to meet her because I wasn’t going to let her waste her efforts of looking nice and letting some clown make her feel bad about herself. But I like being that type of friend for my friends . Although, you should have people who do that for you too.

Find your groove with who you currently are. Embrace it all, even your flaws. Fck these men. A lot of them never know what they have until it’s gone. Let them miss it and go on about your life. And Baby, don’t let the pain keep you from having love in your heart because trust me, there is going to be someone who matches your energy and you’re going to be so thankful that you didn’t let the heartache turn you cold. And be patient with your heart it goes through a lot so take care of it. Okay?

Hugs and Kisses - Raya L.

Selfish

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

So lets start this new year on a high note. All last year I advocated for you all to love people, give them grace, give them time and space to get through their own dealings or whatever they need to go through but don't forget to do this for yourself too. Be Selfish with yourself, your mind, your body, your spirit. Everyone doesn't always deserve your time and energy. You need to keep some for yourself too. One week I can be very social and talk or text someone every day and the next week, you may barely hear from me. This does not mean anything is wrong (although, keep in mind it’s still good practice to check on people, just incase there is an issue), but most of the time I allocate my time and energy sparingly.

Last week I watched a dear friend try to hold back the tears when talking about a loved one he recently lost, but I couldn't hold back tears and even though it wasn't my loss, I still needed time to decompress the emotions I had for my friend and his family. I only reached out to people who knew him also and closed myself off to those who didn't know him or the family. I send comforting messages to all those people and even the one person I have a colorful history with, I decided months ago and I would not let any past issues to get in the way of sharing love towards him too…despite hearing and seeing certain things, but I’m not making that important because not letting go of pain keeps us in that moment and doesn't allow us to move forward (maybe one day we’ll be able to have a reasonable discussion about the little details, probably on a day that doesn’t end with “Y” - inside joke). Anyway, I tend get very selective during sensitive circumstances because I know I cannot fully be myself when I'm affected by something. So yes, people may hear less from me when I do this.

When things occur that make us emotional or requires making multiple decisions, we have to separate ourselves from the world to focus. I have a very unhealthy habit of suppressing my emotions and eventually it affects my decisions and how I behave. Some people see me as cold and standoffish while others see me as warm, but extremely private. I never liked sharing all of my news whether good or bad to people. I guess that’s selfish of me, but it also helps me think through what I want for myself. People are not one dimensional, we have layers and I don’t always pull back all of mine. And how I make decisions or get through things is something I am going to continuously learn to do because every situation isn’t going to require the same thoughts. I always want to be bettering myself whether or not people see that. Those who understand the process of growth, also understand the growing pains.

Enough with the cerebral talk…with keeping on the topic of being selfish, Fellas you can stop here. Ladies, to those of you who are on the same path as me and keeping your goods to yourself until someone helps you decide otherwise, I came across this very interesting necklace. And if you read my post about pH Balance, I am still very serious about not letting anyone mess that up and I don’t know about all women, but my pH balance is very sensitive. My body can tell within hours if something is not right with my Hello Kitty. Even when I was trying out different soaps and body washes, that girl down there let me know right away what she did and didn’t like. But anyways, about this special necklace, Ladies go ahead an use the CONTACT ME feature to learn more about what I found and to those of you who already know about it, we can share notes.

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You Don't Like Complex

Happy Tip: Any time you are sad, give yourself time to be sad, but try not to dwell too long, sadness can cripple you (sometimes when I'm sad, I won’t leave my house for days and not want to be around people, but I have to remind myself, life is still moving and I need to move too). Learn to groove into other emotions by switching to happier topics or thinking of things that boost your energy and serotonin levels.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Artist: Giulia Rosa (I love this artist’s expressions of love and sex)

You ladies have voiced a lot of your grievances about men over the years. Men do not see their own bullsh*t sometimes. And they always try to make excuses for lacking. I came up with a simple message for men who think they are adequate…I know some of the men are going to dislike this, but hear us out:

You do not like someone with baggage, who maybe has previous trauma, children or a career that will get in the way of giving all her attention to you. You want someone to always be available for you, but want her to understand when you cannot be available for her. You don’t want someone who is complex because then you will feel pressured to think and do things that you are not capable of doing. You think you want a strong woman, but when her strength challenges your abilities, you create barriers against her and try to make her seem like the problem. You like the idea of her, but you have not dug into your own flaws and setbacks to realize that you are not ready for everything she comes with. She doesn’t need you to be perfect, she just wants you stand by her and face the world with optimism, determination, prosperity, and love for her.

We have to be honest with ourselves and what we can handle right now, but don’t think that any involvement you have with anyone isn’t going to get difficult. What is more important is how you handle the difficulties; you either face them or run from them. And no matter what decision you make…every action has an equal or opposite reaction.

To the men who are single, live your best single life, but keep this in mind…if there is a woman around you who is of a certain stature and you do things that makes her think a little differently of you, she isn't going to automatically forget her image of you just because you tell her it’s not what it looks like or its not what it seems. This is the difference between a man who is cognizant and a man who isn't self aware. Behave how you believe yourself to be. I know that may be lost to some of you. — Let’s say you and I are friends and you tell me you don't go out often and don’t like to be out all night, but every other weekend you’re out partying it up. Huh? Or if you tell me you don’t have anything going on with someone, but I happen to see you getting very cozy with someone, how am I supposed to think of that? Either you are with someone, starting something with someone, or you just let anyone get cozy with you.

Artist: Giulia Rosa

Hey, I'm single and I hang out and I meet people, but I’m still aware of how things could be perceived by the people around me. Even when I step out to my favorite places, most of the people know my face so I am not going to get affectionate with anyone I am not sleeping with or who I do not know very well. I’m not going to put my arm around anyone or press my body against them or act in a suggestive way with them. - Now I told you I hung out with one of my guy friends before Thanksgiving, right? Remember, I barely see him, but we catch up like once a year and when we were hanging out, we went to the place he usually goes to and throughout the evening he did keep hugging me and kissed my head a few times, but the way he did it was more like, this is my friend, I have love for her and I am enjoying her company. His behavior wasn’t inappropriate at all. So say if there was another guy hanging out with us who was interested in me, he would not think there was anything going on between my friend and I because of how we both conducted ourselves.

If you like a woman, don't give her the impression you're interested in someone else. Don’t act like a man who seems to share himself with everybody, that is not appealing. I don’t want what everyone else has or can have. But if you like ME, do small things like asking how I am, or what my weekend plans are, get into what I’m saying, or better yet make a point to see me and be the man you believe yourself to be. I know I’ve said before that I don't like not knowing where I stand with a man, YOU ARE THE MAN, set the tone for this otherwise I’m just going to chalk it up as you're not interested or I'm not your type.

Here’s a quick story. The big radio station in Philadelphia is “Power99”. And years ago Wendy Williams had a syndicated radio show. You may know Wendy as the talk show host, but I remember her from her radio days and I actually like her more then. I didn’t really watch her talk show that much, but when she was on the radio, I tuned in everyday! One time, Andre Benjamin was on her show, he’s also known as Andre 3000 or the other half of Outkast. Around that time he already had a son with Erykah Badu, but he told the story of how Common (who was just starting to become known) came to him and let him know that he and Erykah started seeing each other. And I think it was a bit of commotion because Andre and Erykah were still somewhat involved. But as Andre was telling the story, he was very clam, cool, and collected, it did not sound like there was animosity, he almost seem like he was appreciative that Common came to him to let him know that he didn’t mean any disrespect, he just wanted it to be known that he started seeing Erykah. I remember listening to this and thinking highly of both men and identifying the uncommon qualities that not all men possess, like being a man of honor. Again this was many years ago so you can just image how my views of good men have evolved.

Artist: Giulia Rosa

Now of course I was only hearing one side of the story, I don’t know Common’s or Erykah’s point of view, but I felt like it was so mature of both men to discuss it with each other and I never heard of the two of them having an issue with each other. And if what Andre said was true then Common didn’t push Erykah to talk to him. He decided to do it. And I cannot think that Andre be the type of man to have resentment towards the mother of his child or a man who just wants to clear the air. He has always presented himself as being very laid back and reserved (I feel like Andre would be good friend to have). I even read one time that when Outkast started getting all their hype and recognition, he didn’t get into the loud lifestyle of alcohol, women, and overly gaudy spending. He’s also been said not to entertain groupies or like the attention of any pretty face and he lives a lowkey life. I love that about a man. Especially the men who are able to discipline themselves when there is a bevy to gorgeous women at their disposal. Just because a pretty girl is willing to give it up to you, doesn’t mean you should give into it.

And guys, I think this is where many women have their concerns, don’t be a man who is open to anyone, be a man who is selective and whom is mature enough to express yourself without deflecting, gaslighting, or insulting a woman…especially not with the woman you are interested in. — Please don’t shoot the messenger. Be safe out there.

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Hurt People, Hurt People

Don’t fee like reading? Listen instead. (2 Parts)

Want to hear something funny? Many of you noticed a few months ago I started a subscription feature on this site to allow more private topics with those who wanted to become members. Those of you who did signed up and read through the topics are aware we do not share personal information and explicit content and I also have the comments enabled to readers to engage in dialogue with each other, and the conversations have been very informative and respectful.

Apparently, someone has reported my site as being inappropriate and containing content that elicits sexual activity between members. Basically someone is claiming my site is for sex workers. Really???!!! — Okay, let me just say this…this is NOT OnlyFans, this is not a porn site, this is not an escort service, nothing like that. I was not charging $50 to show you explicit pictures, no my membership fee was only $10 and that was to allow people a safe space to discuss more private topics.

And if you are here, that means you are here on your own free will. You are not required to be here and if you do not like or agree with anything I say, you can easily exit out. If you are a long time reader, then you know what this site is about and the types of topics I discuss. I am so at a loss, is someone mad? Do you have something against me? Is there some type of vendetta? I’m not seeing anyone, so I know it can’t be a scorn woman trying to get back at me.

Maybe a man reported my site, because there have been times I’ve gotten messaged from men about them perceiving me as a an ungodly woman because of my images. Who knows? So, of course I submitted an appeal, I am not sure how long this will take to get cleared, but until then I have to disable the members only feature. I’ll see if there is a loophole, but until I get more clarity on this, I am not sure what all I can do at the moment. I’m just wondering who’s mad? Who hurt you?

🔴The reality is there will always be people who never want to applaud you for doing great.🔴

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Let’s get into some serious psyche for a moment. We are the sum of our worst and best moments. We can love people with a healthy heart and we can love people with a wounded heart. And with both, we can hurt people. People who are hurt, in pain, suffering, or struggling will not have the best energy. Even if they are faking a smile and forcing a laugh, it’s not authentic. — It’s also not wrong for trying to put on a happy face, but it can be draining and stressful to do so just to conceal other burdens.

Have you heard the term, hurt people hurt people? It’s the behavior of someone projecting or deflecting their pain towards someone else. Much like being angry at the world for your own consequences, decisions, or misfortunes. When someone is hurt they tend to hurt others and most of the time they don't realize it. Think if it like this, when you are upset, disappointed, or in some form of pain, your emotions and heart can harden leaving your patience to become very minimal and anything that pressures your patience can cause an unkind reaction from you.

There are times people hurt others in order to protect themselves. Let me give you a scenario regarding relationships, a woman who fosters pain and mistrust from her past sometimes reacts in frustration to a man who triggers similar behavior, because the reality is she's been hurt before and doesn't want to go through the same experience again.

But we can't shut down our emotions, that's not healthy either. It’s good to be polite, but no so polite that you are not expressed your true thoughts or your feelings. But you also have to think about if your true self is capable of being around others without deflecting any inner frustrations outward. Like are you okay to be around people and enjoy them or do you still need time alone?

People go through metamorphosis when life puts them in situations that causes them make new adjustments. The outcome is unknown in how we’ll develop our character because we don't all process information the same. This is why it’s important to give people time and space so they can do what they need for themselves whatever that looks like for them, but you can still remain supportive by just checking in on them from time to time.

When I was going through a big adjustment last year, I needed more time to myself than I needed time with people, but it was the people who still reached out to me that made the difference of that experience being numb and resentful vs being something that doesn't define me, and it changed my views of being in serenity with my circumstances and making…..lemons into garnish for sautéed spinach and pan seared salmon with a garlic aioli sauce.

You see, it does get bad, but it also gets good if you allow it and when you’re ready for it…no one can tell you when to be ready, you have to decide that.

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Against The Odds

I had to add a response after getting several message regarding the guy I mentioned in the audio.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. This one is a little longer because I mentioned some personal things that is not written in the content, **Not an intimate man in my life, but a man in my life is brought up.

Most of you think I'm always dressed to the nines, trust me, when I write these things I'm usually in sleep clothes or an oversized t-shirt. Although, I have gotten comfortable with wearing sweatpants outside the house. And I do not really go out often, contrary to popular beliefs. Yes, after a long day or week, I have some go-to places I like to visit, but I don't really make plans to make a night of it. I just like to have a drink in social atmospheres. When I run into people I know, I do stay out longer, but initially my intentions are normally to have 2 drinks and go home. I am very much a square. And I'm sure whoever I get involved with will appreciate that I'm not a woman who's always about town. Which leads me to this topic…

I am generally in front of my laptop 8-14 hours a day. I started setting up alarms on my phone to remind me to step away from the screen so my eyes can readjust.

So some of you ladies have voiced your disappointment for me because you feel that I encourage infidelity. How you interpret my words is most likey based on what you've already predetermined about men, relationships, and possibly me. So I'll relay the same message again…

Many times I’ll say that what a man does when I’m not around is not a major concern for me, BUT it will become an issue if what he does negatively impacts my health, my stability, and my overall happiness. I generally keep all this vague because I want you to interpret it in your own way that works for you, because what works for me may not be something you agree with. — We don't have to agree to be happy with our relationships or ourselves.

No, I’m not saying it’s okay for a man to cheat his partner, I don't ever condone that. What I am saying is that a man has to be consistent in securing his partner and still making her feel valued, wanted, cherished, and loved no matter what he does especially if he wants to keep the relationship going. Reassuring a woman is a unique skill and when a man is able to do this, everything and anyone else is just background noise. Furthermore, not every man is capable of managing his behavior and his emotions when it comes to other women in his life and this is what causes conflicts with the main woman in his life. Many times when men go out and do whatever it's not because they are missing something with the woman he's already with, it's more often because someone else wants him and men find it appealing to be wanted, it feeds their pride and egos. Some act on it. Some don't. *More in the audio.

These are what my nights usually look like. Food in bed, a book, and tv on in the background.

Even though 2 people come together in a relationship, they are still 2 separate people who have their own thoughts and opinions. Yes, there will be some similarities, but they are still 2 different people, not clones of each other. So there are elements of their lives that won't directly involve the other. Again, I don’t advocate or support men to act against the love and commitment towards their partner, I more encourage women to not solely focus on what is not happening in front of them and instead focus on how the man treats them and makes them feel. Your life cannot revolve around one person because then you become dependent on them for your happiness. Whether you are married, dating, or just casually involved with someone, if you only look to that person for your own validation then you will always have an issue anytime they are not around you.

If I am involved with someone, no matter what the status of our relationship is, there are still some proprietary elements that I want protected which includes my heart and my health. My main gripe is when I don’t know my place with a man and he doesn't make it clear, instead he plays on my emotions and makes me feel like I’m wrong when I speak on what bothers me. *More in the audio.

I strive be in bed/sleeping between 8p-10p each night.

I am usually very laid back and go with the flow. I'm very much a “guy's girl” in the sense that I like going to bars, I watch sports, I talk shit, and I'm not stuck up or hard to approach, but if I'm fooling with you in any type of way and you try to challenge my intelligence and rationale, then that's the shit that will trigger a very ugly side of my attitude.

Don’t let what you do out there negatively effect what we have going on over here. Don’t let people out there try to influence you to act differently with me. And lastly, don’t do shit in front of me that you know will be a problem.

This doesn't mean I promote infidelity, this encourages a man to maintain a level of respect for his woman by keeping the nonsense away from her, because that's what most of you are worried about right? Is having to deal with any nonsense a man causes, but if it never comes to your attention or if he's still on top of make you feel number one, then what's the problem?

Enjoy your life and if you have someone, enjoy your life with them, but don’t get caught up in the “What if he’s doing something when I’m not around?” Focus on the “What he’s doing right here, right now, right in front of you.” — A good man is going to always make you feel valued and cherish even when you’re not seeing eye to eye, he is still not going to let any outside factors come between the two of you. Love that about him. *More in the audio.

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Don't Give Everyone Access (RECAP)

NEW: Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

I wrote, Don’t Give Everyone Access in July 2020. And for whatever reason, ever since it’s been published it has been the most viewed each month. I do not know what's drawing people to it, I did not reveal any hidden secrets about life. I just talked about being aware of who is deserving of your time. I also mentioned that sometimes people need more time to become better versions of themselves and that the best way to do that is to give each other the separate space to grow. I gave an example of people falling apart and coming back together as better people, better friends, better partners. But I did advise that not everyone who goes in different directions are destined to come back together. Sometimes people grow apart and stay apart.

I attended a wedding recently 💍. My friend who got married reconnected with an old boyfriend after not seeing each other for several years and obviously they both became better lovers. They each had time to grow separately and figure out what they wanted in a relationship and after reconnecting and spending time together, they decided that being together is right for them. I am beyond happy for the newlyweds and the wedding was perfect. THE DETAILS! THE FCKN DETAILS! I FCKN LOVE MY FRIEND. She had 5ft tall letters that spelled out their names, she had floral wall installations for photo opportunities for her guest, and each seat at the table had goodies such a our names in acrylic cutouts, and since the husband is a DJ, the placemats were in the shape of vinyl records with a photo of the bride and groom in the center. I could go on and on about the visuals. OH AND HER RING!!! OMG HER RING!!! And her husband is so amazing and absolutely loves her, they’ve been together a few years so I’ve come to love him just as much as I love her. At the reception, he was encouraging us girls to get together because it's been too long since we all hung out. And I know he said this because he knows how much his wife cherishes her friendships. - Yes, sir we will make it happen! 🥰These two are the definition of falling apart and coming back together even better. And I am so happy my friend gave it another chance. 💝

On the other hand, another person I knew was in and out of a fling with a man for many years. Even though he would give her the impression he wanted a relationship with her, he never made it official, never asked her to be his girlfriend, and never claimed her as such to anyone. So the last time I was made aware of her reconnecting with him, he came back married and she continued to entertain him 🤬! Of course this goes against my own personal morals, but what really made me decide to distance myself from this woman was how she completely had no regard for the wife and said, “I don’t care how she feels. She took what I wanted.” after I asked her a question in hopes she would realize that what she’s doing is wrong. 😲😡 I. Was. Disgusted.

It toiled in my gut the next 24 hours. I was hurt, disappointed, and shocked at this person who speaks of women's empowerment, independence, strength, and support, but yet she wasn't fully exercising this in her personal life. I knew I could never look at her the same way. I never met the man, but anytime she would give me a recap of their conversations and time together, I knew what he was doing. 🙄 And I’m sure he knew it too. She made it all to easy for him to keep circling back around to her without offering anything substantial, but she always tried to defend her decisions by saying they are leading to a relationship or they talked about a relationship or that he did something to keep her hopeful; I saw through that too. I don’t know what their situation or status is as of today, I haven't spoken to the woman in over 2 years and at that time I remember thinking to myself, “God isn't going to bless her with a good husband.” Today, I still have no intention to be close friends with someone who romanticizes a future with a married man.

My wedding look - Dress: ShopMicas.com | Blazer: Valentino

I know women who are only interested in being with married men because of the noncommittal aspect of it and they just have fun with the men without anything too serious. I don’t agree with this either, but I understand it more than wanting to take a man from his wife or fanaticizing a life with him.

In this woman’s particular scenario, she wasn’t having fun. Her plans for him almost seemed premeditated. She should have never given that man so much access to her because each time he came back around, he expected her to let him back into her life — and she did without fail claiming to want closure and answers on why he keeps stringing her along. No, they didn't have any children together or have any shared common property. They were just two separate people who took advantage of each other’s willingness and lack of rationale. I was exhausted with it. If they at least had 1 child together, I may have been a little more empathetic, but no, it was just her having issues taking care of herself and trying to validate her own self value and him with several kids, different women, and a marriage that may or may not have been having issues; I think this was his 2nd marriage….Hmmm, I sense a pattern with that man. How about you? — Yeah, I too love it when men lie to me to keep me close to them. 🙄 Stupid. 😒 But to be honest, it is a good feeling to think you're the only one he wants even if it’s not all the way true.

When a man doesn't really value you he’s going to use you fill any voids he has and make you believe that by including you he sees you for everything you are when really you're just everything for the moment to him. You shouldn't allow him that privilege. Some may say it's best to live for the moment, I agree but only to a certain extent. Because if you keep having the moments where you’re intertwined in each others social life and personal life and nothing comes of it then you have a laundry list of, “What that hell am I doing?”

Although, this wasn’t the only reason I stopped all communication with the woman. After that last conversation, I reflected back on our friendship and I realized there were way too many times I tried to coax her out of whatever rut she was in and coddled her self-esteem issues. I didn't know it while I was in it, but that friendship was draining a lot of my energy and with the married man to top it all off, I just needed to step away and stay away. I don’t wish anything ill on people, I hope that woman is doing what's best and finds or has happiness. I just cannot have someone in my immediate circle who is motivated on hurting someone or has malicious intent for their own gain.

I’m my initial post in 2020, I listed things people can take from you:

• Your energy

• Your confidence

• Your hard work

• Your finances

• Your rewards

• YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

but I want to add these three:

• Your time

• Your values

• Your good judgment

Without realizing it, people can change you for the worst because you see the good in them, because you are close to them, because you want to understand them, because they depend on you, because you want to be there for them. But people can really suck the life out of you and then you have nothing to give to yourself. If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us, but that’s no excuse to deplete yourself in order to appease someone else.

Everyone doesn't have access to me and can’t have access to me because I won’t allow it. My personal time, my personal space, my personal growth, my personal healing is just what is stated…personal. And guess what, you don’t have to get personal with everyone you know.

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Building Barriers

It is said that you carry pain from previous relationships and that your ex-partners encouraged the walls you now have up. I find this to be very true with every man I have been involved with. I loved them all differently. I willingly loved them and wanted to keep loving them, but they ended up draining me and I couldn’t give in anymore.

When you love someone or deeply like someone, you’re decisions can become compromised and complicated. You are not wrong for wanting to show that you love someone, you just have to be careful with how much you are giving vs. what you are receiving back. My default is that I am naturally a giver. I’m loving, I’m supportive, I’m there for you; I tend to care too much which leads to my flaw…I extend myself too much until I’m overreaching my limit. Then I’m upset, disappointed, and heartbroken. In time I’m back to finding myself opening up to take the risk again. — Everything is a risk especially when it involves the heart. Sometimes things need to be broken to know what barriers you still need to put up, keep up, or take down.

Each time I let down some walls, I was taught a lesson and yes, sometimes the lessons made me build more barriers and raise my standards. — That’s just part of protecting yourself and giving yourself time to heal and reflect…if we do not give ourselves this needed time, we can develop damaging behaviors that affect anyone we get involved with too soon. It is not unusual to go through this cycle many times in our lives depending on how proactive we are with relationships. There are people who are serial daters, constantly with a partner; then there are those like me who rarely get involved with anyone. Everyone was their own pace and reasons for companionship, I just advise everyone to be sure you are ready and willing to make adjustments and compromises to your comfort zones, including your barriers or walls.

With one of my biggest lessons, I cannot see myself getting too close to a man who shows himself to be fickle with me. — One moment very interested, the next moment acts like I’m an afterthought and has other woman all over him right in front of me. I have written about this a few years ago…A MAN SETS THE TONE with how a relationship proceeds or derails. I’m not suck in the old world, but a man is to be the leader, leading his home, his family, and his partner. Yet, not all leaders are great leaders. Bad leaders are dictators and do not take into account anyone else’s input. In today’s atmosphere it is highly regarded for a man to have a bevy of women around him. Although, that let’s me know he probably doesn’t value intimacy or at least in the same sense that I do (I wrote about this previously too). — OR that his mind is so sparsely divided that he cannot focus on giving one woman attention. I’m not a child; I have kids, responsibilities, and my own daily agenda, so I don’t need all of your attention or even a lot of attention, but I do appreciate it when a man is making time for me and thinks of me often.

I’m not naïve, men have their fun how they have their fun when they go out, but if your special lady is out with you too there is a protocol of how NOT to act with other women. The woman you should be walking to her car, driving her home, or checking on periodically is the woman you are sleeping with. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Men have to restrict their chivalry and friendliness towards other women when they are involved. It also let’s the other women know their limitations with him. I only say this because I restrict how I am with other men when I am sleeping with someone. But if you or the person don’t care about conserving each other’s thoughts or feeling then I guess Let your hoe flag fly. (Even the married men I know are firm on their restrictions with what they allow themselves to do and what they allow the other women to do. — I don’t condone it, but I respect it.)

Again, I am not naïve, but I’m always paying attention. If I keep noticing a man doing certain things in front of me, I’m not unjustified to asking questions, “Why is she holding on to you like that?”, “Why do you keep wanting to drive her home?”, “Why do you keep finding a way to be next to her or alone with her?”, — it’s one thing if the woman is an equally mutual friend and I am with you as you are making these gestures and you are not blocking me out, but it’s another thing if the answers I’m getting are brushing me off or gaslighting me. That’s not going to ease my mind about the subject and my attitude towards you can become worse. On top of that, if I hear about you telling people that’s there is nothing between us or saying you aren’t interested in me at all, it will just trigger the, “Go on and do what you want” response from me and put me on alert with anything you say and do moving forward and eventually I’ll detach if I keep feeling slighted and I won’t be asking anymore questions from here on out. — My feelings are involved too, not just yours. The moment you start revealing a part of yourself that is not cohesive with what you say to me then in that same moment you begin to lose me. It may take me a while to walk away, but once I do I’m just going to keep getting better because someone not treating me right is a character flaw of theirs, not mine and the award they receive is that they’ll never be able to get me like they used to. I’m not one of those women who needs closure…it is what it is.

On a last note: I love it when people pay attention to who I am…

Person 1: I think Raya is fooling with someone.

Person 2: Nah, I know how she is and she’s not. (This right here is my Person 🙂)

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You Can't Let Life Happen To You

So 2020 is done and the only thing I did differently last year was stayed in more and saw friends less. I still thrived personally, professional, and financially…got another degree, a certification, a raise, etc.

The last quarter of the year was a bit draining, because of the pandemic we had to do things differently and I was swamped with tasks and deadlines so coming into the new year I am a little lethargic and no so enthused 2021.

It got me to thinking of a statement I heard from a colleague as we were discussing an unreliable employee…”You can’t let life happen to you.”

What does this mean? Well, here’s my take…

We all go through life facing different challenges: being a woman, being a single parent, coming from a poor home, not thinking there’s any opportunities beyond what we know, being a black man in America, being black in other foreign countries, being white and misunderstood by your empathy towards other races, being rejected, losing a loved one, loving someone who doesn’t love you back the same, suffering mental health issues, having physical disabilities…the list goes on but, we are either going to allow our experiences to hinder and break us or we are going to allow ourselves to push through the obstacles becoming more educated and build character.

Have you ever noticed some of the best people to converse with are the ones who seem to have many life levels? Their philosophies are usually a resemblance of…”Everything happens for a reason. You just have to make the best of it.” And this is the best thing I can continue to tell people.

There is nothing in the living world that is perfect. As critical as we can be towards others and even towards ourselves, we cannot change everything. The only we can change is our perspective of life and find ways to laugh through the pain without suppressing or avoiding the healing process. Also, sharing our smiles onto others without ego and narcissism.

2021, here’s to you and what we can make of you. Cheers.

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Confidence Looks Good On You

Short Set - Leo’A The Label (Sweet Tooth Set)

Low self-esteem is not attractive. Yup, I said it. And there are different levels to low self-esteem. Anytime you make a choice that takes from your happiness, from your peace, or from your self-worth by telling yourself to believe that it will be the best decision when deep down you know something isn’t right, you are displaying a lack of confidence in yourself and with how you think of yourself…and it shows. Before you think I am attacking anyone, let me remind you of my own examples:

1. Did you read about when I Ghosted My Skeleton? - Yeah, that was a form of low self esteem because I did not know my own value to know that who I was involved was not the best for me.

2. The relationship with the father of my children. - I stayed longer than I should have because I felt that there was nothing better for me. I conditioned my mind to thinking that I had to stay with him, to fix our relationship, to forgive and forget, to accept his ways, to give my kids a life with both parents, to fight for something that I thought was worth fighting for. And if you know me now, then you know how WRONG I WAS.

I’ve learned. As far as my relationships with my friends, my boundaries are catered to each individual and how I know them. If any friendship gets to a point where it’s one sided, I digress from it. If I am losing confidence in a friend then I am losing confidence in our relationship and I can no longer enjoy it. It’s best for my mental health to let go (this also is the case for romantic relationships)

Being confident isn’t being arrogant or big-headed, it’s knowing your value and creating boundaries or standards to protect that value.

When you get into a situation where you find yourself changing, not for the better, it’s because you allowed something or someone to cross your personal value lines. It happens to all of us, we try to adjust ourselves to someone's low confidence or little pride — but let’s make it known that insecurity is usually partnered with other concerns such as unwillingness to understand, lack of experience, personal issues within ourselves. Insecurity is a weakness I detest, especially within women who find themselves in relationships they keep questioning or gets uncomfortable when another woman walks in the room — and the thing is, insecurities have to be resolved within the person themselves. It’s one of those things that you have evolve from. (Ladies, if you've not read my message at the bottom of “Extra Income”, I suggest you hop over there really quick and take a look.)

I’m not breaking down any woman, but if we’re being honest here, men seem to get more scrutiny about not being ready to be committed, but WOMEN too have their own flaws with figuring out what they want in relationships. Sometimes people are so scared to be alone that they allow their desperation to decide on their partners and willing to accept less than they deserve.

If you’re uncomfortable with me showing my legs, then you’ve never partied with me. I dress according to the environment I’m going to be in.

We ALL have our insecurities…yes, we do…whether it’s our looks, our financial status, our family dynamics, past traumas that still affect us, decisions we made in private that we don’t want others to know about, whatever it is, we all have something that we are not truly proud of. But we cannot let our insecurities hinder us from being the best version of ourselves, treat people good, and find serenity within our surroundings.

I think the equation for confidence is not only knowing your worth but, also not taking yourself too seriously and becoming offended anytime you feel someone is challenging you (I make jokes about myself all the time.) And comparing yourself to someone is the worst. When you look at someone and you automatically get feelings of insecurity or jealousy by instantly making criticisms about the person, that shows your lack of confidence…and need I say, poor character.

You ever walk into a place and you notice someone who everyone seems to have their attention towards them? The person is laughing, lively, and engaging with everyone. — That’s called confidence. — It doesn’t mean that is person is perfect or that their life is perfect, it just means that this person wants to enjoy themselves and likes for other to enjoy themselves too…it’s the energy that is exuded from confidence, an energy that not everyone possesses. It’s the same when a confident person walks into a room and you feel a shift in energy as if the room got brighter and everyone is a bit more alive.

I cannot really explain it, you either have confidence or you don’t, but it shows either way. It’s not how you look, how you dress, or how much money you have. It’s the way you speak, the way you treat others, the way you carry yourself — it’s a mindset. Remember in my post about My Preference is regards to men? That is a type of confidence I expect for a man I’m involved with to have, not flaky, not unsure, CONFIDENT in who he is and CONFIDENT in me…I can’t have a chump by my side.

You don’t have to be the best person, you just have to appreciate who you are, be comfortable in your skin and not accept others to mishandle you.

MOOD: When you missed the chance, don’t expect another.

Forgiveness & Apologies

We all have flaws and make faults onto others, but should it always be held against us? Especially if we've changed our mindset?

Forgiveness isn't just a religious practice, it's for you to gain peace of mind. It is for you to release a burden that can imprison your heart. We forgive for us. Similar to an apology, many times an apology is more for the person giving it than the one receiving it. They are intended for all parties to feel better. But, sometimes only one side is granted the benefit.

If you are apologizing, what is the purpose? You did something wrong and you want to share your acknowledgment of the disappointment you presented. Yet, the fact that you acknowledged your faults is an unwritten achievement within yourself. So, apologizing is an attempt for others to know that you've already identified what you need to work on.

If you are the one receiving an apology, how does it make you feel? Are you released of the disappointment or do you still feel slighted? In which case, why hold that grudge? Once you get over being hurt, does hearing an apology change anything within you? Within your life? The upside is the fact that you've now heard someone state their flaw.

I'll accept any apology given to me but, if I'm waiting on someone to apologize then I need to question why I'm holding on to that feeling. Why do I need to hear "I'm sorry" to gain closure, peace, or freedom? What good does it do me to "expect" an apology?

I usually forgive before ever hearing an apology.