Thankful & Blessed

“Here I am, humbled and extremely grateful.”

On the eve of Thanksgiving, I want to take a moment and express how thankful I am of how my life has played out and thankful for all of you who keep this platform thriving and entertaining. There’s many of you who ask me to share more of my personal life, although I do share tidbits of it, I still want to remain private about the extra details of my life. I have seen where people overshare their lives and become stressed or overwhelmed when people add in their opinions or judgements. Like people who are constantly sharing what they are doing or where they are every moment like it’s a reality show, I have no plans to ever do that. This website is just a small, but impactful portion of my life.

Other things going on that I am thankful for:

• My kids are continuing to do well in school and in their own personality developments. Both are clever and very quick-witted. They mirror my humor, but have their own funny vernacular and I do not worry about them being not being personable, kind and thoughtful of others.

• I have 1 1/2 more years until I complete my doctoral program. The studies do take up much of my headspace and free time, but once I reach this goal, I have huge personal and professional plans.

• Since I have been hyper-focus on my academics and career, I do not have any romantic drama. Although, I think the men who have met me this year would say I am cold and too nonchalant. (Which makes sense, because I am very clear that I am not looking for a partner. Maybe just someone who makes me laugh and is good company when I have the time, but no one who will make me feel like I need to cater my life to him.)

• Speaking if academics and career, my personal business aligns with both practices and is beginning to thrive. I am excited to see what it becomes in the next few years.

• My investment portfolios (not just stocks) have also allowed me to live even more comfortably than what I planned, but I still want to remain low-key in what I show people because I know people have their own opinions on what “Success” looks like. For me, it’s being able to not worry about if I can provide for myself and my family and also being able to give back to different communities, organizations, charities, and foundations.

• My friends who understand that my limited availability does not mean there’s a problem in our friendship. I have such a wonderful group of friends who are completely okay when I cannot make an outing or event with them, because they know when I do come out, it’s unforgettable.

• My health and well being is a major thing I am thankful for. I’ve had struggles with my health in previous years which contributed to my stress levels bing very high and worrying about other aspects of my life. This year I seem to have managed things a lot better. My heart, my mood, and my overall thought process is just so much more at a positive and progressive place. I’d consider that amazing GROWTH!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

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The next few topics I am finishing up are:

1. Why Are More Straight Men Behaving Like Women

   • In these topic I am going to share some of the women’s thoughts about what they have been experiencing with men and noticing some feminine characteristics. Nothing like self-care practices like going to the spa, but more like personality traits that just raise a few eyebrows.

2. Don’t Bash Someone’s Wins in Life

   • Have you ever noticed when people make snide comments about someone for their accomplishments? Maybe making comments like, “Oh she thinks she’s fancy with her Gucci bag.” Or “He acts like he’s too good now since he got that new high paying job.” Maybe you’ve made comments like this? We’ll talk about the issues of being this way towards people and how it can reveal your own insecurities or flaws.

3. A Helpful Man

   • I love a man who just helps without having to ask. I’ll detail examples of family, friends and previous lovers in this topic.

4. Pain

   • In life there is no avoiding pain or disappointment. This one may be a heavy and triggering topic, but we’ll get through it.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

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This are not my messages, but this woman is going through some nonsense! Lol. Be safe out there!

January Summary

“Come with love and peace or leave needing it.”

WHEW…I don’t know about you guys, but this month has been A LOT! I hit the ground running on the first of the month and have not stopped yet! Plus we talked about a lot of topics in the last few weeks, wouldn’t you agree? I don’t think I have ever wrote this much in one month. I cannot promise it will continue to be like this, my Spring term is heavily centered around reading and research, so I may have a period of quietness, but don’t fret, I am never gone too long.

I also want to welcome the 800 new readers here, I don’t know what caught your interest to this site, but I am so happy you chose to be here and read or listen to all this madness. THANK YOU! For those of you who are new, I’m Raya. I developed this site in 2008. I write about topics pertaining to love, relationships, how to best navigate through them and to not lose yourself in the process. Many times I reference my own experiences, but I never get too personal.

The Effort Series

I listen to my church sermons online now, but when I used to go in person, I really made sure I was presentable.

I’ve already got a few topics set aside for February such as identifying the types of relationship you want vs. the types of relationship you get into and how you include other people into your relationship. For instance if people are always around you and getting involved into your personal details, then it’s their relationship too 🤷🏽‍♀️😆. I am also going to talk about the suggestion one of you readers gave me about my own love life…that’s going to be an interesting topic. Plus, are you guys zodiac people? Meaning you follow hard on what your birth sign is and how it relates to your future and the type of person you are? I’m not. Although, I do have friends like that and I do listen intently, I’m just not a full believer. One of my friends sent me a zodiac compatibility based on my sign, which I thought was very interesting and that’s going to be another topic. So yeah, February is mapped out it seems. Any of you have Valentine’s Day plans? I think I may do a spa day, wine and dine myself with a fancy dinner (there is the one resturant called Evnaglines that people keep telling me about, but I have yet to go to. I wonder if I’ll need a reservation if it’s just me…Hey, I have no shame in have dinner by myself. I enjoy my own company and that’s why I think the “Single” life with an understanding and caring lover-friend will work best for me), and maybe I’ll book a night at a local hotel. We’ll see.

Happy February everyone!

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Requiring The Bare Minimum Is Not A Goal

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Did you guys get enough to eat last week? I didn’t go overboard and do the big family dinner. My spawn of joy hung out with me for a week and we made an agreement that we were all in charge of different meals. My son, breakfast, daughter lunch, and I made dinner. It was simple and suited for just us three.

I did however get a chance to catch up with a good friend. So let me tell you about this man. I rarely ever see him because he never answers the phone! We chat a litte during football season because he one of those who roots for the Cowboys...yeah, we all make mistakes. But anyway, I sent him a message wishes him happy holidays and he responded back inviting me to grap some drinks with him. It was passed 7pm and I was settle in, but because it was him and I rarely hang out with him I decided to get my shoes on and meet up with him. And he's part of the select group of fellas who I absolutely love and adore (granted, I met all of them through someone I began sleeping with, but we still made our own individual friendships with each other and that's what's important). We had a great time, talked about different things going on in our lives...and like most of my guy friends, he asks if there is someone special in my life, so I explained to him where my mind was at and how I want to be sure of certain things with a man before getting involved again. He was very understanding and said some encouraging things to me and like the other fellas in this select group, he hugged me a few times and kissed my forehead as a gesture of love and friendship. And our dialogue is relevant to this week’s topic.

Ladies, this one is for you. Fellas, you probably need to know this too.

Telling someone you are low maintenance is really not what you want. Now if you really don't go out or much or are focusing on certain goals right now, that’s great, but that is not low maintenance because you are putting forth a lot of effort to create a life that suits you. And if you don't need a man to call or text you everyday, that’s also not low maintenance because you have other things in your life that need your time and attention too.

My cold weather “uniform”

I've even said before that I don't require much from a man because I expect him to at least do the minimum which is reach out me, converse with me, and plan to spend time with me. That's not much, but with how I like things, that will be too much for a man who's not of my caliber. What is simple to me may be complex for you. I don't expect every man to be a gentleman but I expect every gentlemen to know how to treat a woman.

Listen, I'm good on life. I am high maintenance. I take care of myself in the sense of I maintain things that make me happy and keep me motivated. What may look like luxury to others may just be a choice of comfort and convenience to me. Just like people who go on strict diets and spend hours working out, they are focused on taking care of their bodies. I'm focused on taking care of the life I want.

I want for a man to be into me and invested in who I am. I want for a man to show me he cares about me. I want for a man to catch me off guard and impress me. I want him to miss me when he's busy, not just when he’s lonely. I want a man who still chooses me even when we’re arguing. I want him to have a crush on me even after he gets me. I don't have to be involved in everything a man does, but I still like to feel welcomed to it in some way even if he just tells me, “Hey, I plan on going with the boys to LA next month” — Okay, cool. Have fun, tell everyone I said Hi and be safe. Because I at least appreciate him letting me know his plans even though it doesn't directly involve me.

Some of you know Method Man after he evolved. I knew Method man before his evolution…we are not the same and she ain’t me.

I have mentioned before about the last man I was involved with we were very much into each other and he was very engaging towards me, inviting me to come out and introducing me to people and communicating with me frequently. But after a few weeks, I noticed his energy shifted even though he said everything was fine when I asked him if something was different. — You know when something has changed, you can feel it. And I started to wonder who he really was vs what he was telling me. You know how some people try to justify their bs by pushing back on you like you're the one who's being too much? I felt like he was doing that to me. I was a little hurt and there were times I’d make excuses for him to help me alleviate some of my hurt and confusion I was feeling. I’m keeping that pain in the past because if I don’t, I’ll never be able to accept any future blessings. Although, I don’t want to go through that nonsense again with anyone. I’m not one of these women who keep making dead-end choices with their lives, work, friends, family, money, relationships, etc. I’m someone who strives to keep elevating. I cannot have someone who tries to reduce me especially when I’m letting my guard down.

So even though you may not want to put pressure on a man by letting him know the caliber of woman you are, you still have to him know that you have a set of standards and it's okay if he can't meet them, that just means he's not for you. I want a man who is about me and stands by me. Say if were hanging out with a group of people and I’m ready to leave. I don’t expect him to leave with me, I’d appreciate it if he does, but if he still wants to hang out, that’s fine. Although, if after I leave and people are kind of make side remarks like, “Why is she acting that?” “She’s no fun.” “She’s being standoffish.” — I don’t want for the man I’m sleeping with to co-sign their comments and encourage any negative thoughts about me, I want for him to defend me. So if that is too much to ask of a man to do, then yes, I require more than the bare minimum. I don’t need our particular situation to be serious, but I want him to be serious about me…does that make sense? I don't want a man who worries what other people see with me. I want him to stay focused on what he sees in me.

If you tell a man you only require the minimum, he's likely to just give you the minimum because that's what you told him you wanted. Remember in another post I said to not limit your value? Setting the bar low for these men is not going to achieve much. Do you want to go to a GYN who graduated at the bottom of their class or at the top of their class? Give your heart the same criteria because a man who is on the same level as you isn’t going to feel any pressure because he knows what all it takes to be above the minimum. That's what you want.

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Be Strong For Them, Be Soft For Him

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead. *My voice is still not 100%. 🤒

Being a woman of several achievements I have to maintain a strong presence in front of people, but I also have to show softness because….I am a woman. But you have to be selective with who you show your vulnerabilities to. You don’t want to get into a situation where you shown all your vulnerabilities to someone and they turn it against you to make themselves look better. You never know who has your best interest at heart or who even really is sharing their heart with you. Of course I'm talking about men in this regard. I’ve published many topics on what I want from a man and although most men may fit the standard they become complacent after some time and forget all the things they did you catch your interest. 😒

Dress | toxicenvyboutique.com

The last man I was involved with, we would sort of phase in and out with each other for over a span of many years and there were at least 2 points where we were really into each other like investing into what we both like and wanting to see each other and that was when we first met which was very unexpected because neither one of us anticipated keeping in touch for so long and the second time was when we reconnected after not speaking for a period of time. We would have our highlight moments and our mellow moments and I can admit there were definitely times when I was extremely vulnerable with him especially when there was a point where I had to make a decision that affected both of us and I was almost in pieces during that time. A lot of people don’t know or have never known my weakness or seen any or all of my weak moments, not even to my family. — Now that I’m really sit here and think about those times, it’s like, “What the fck was I doing?” 😵 Because that is always a concern of mine is letting someone see my vulnerabilities and fearing that they treat it like it’s nothing. But you know what? I do not regret showing him my weaknesses and being vulnerable to him in different ways because at those times, I felt completely comfortable with him, I trusted him, and I believed in him. And even though we are no longer involved in the same way now, we are civil, and regardless of what he thinks of me, I’m okay with him knowing that part of me because he was who I was sharing myself with at that time.

I told a friend that I don’t know how to act when I bring the “girls” out.

This is why I do not treat sex as just sex. I am allowing you into my life, I’m sharing my time with you, my personal space, my thoughts, my visions, my moods, my whole personality. I can’t just close off parts of me and still let you sleep with me. I can close myself off to others because they are not experiencing me the same way. Where I may have to maintain a certain persona for others, I should be able to let my guard down to someone I’m intimate with, right? Who I am in my professional life, my work life, my family life, and even my social life is different that who I am as a lover. I want to be able to relax around someone and not feel like I still have to maintain a rock exterior because he doesn’t want to embrace my softer side.

Ladies, you don’t want someone who wants you to fit his mold, you want to show your softness to someone who doesn’t have a mold. Someone who knows your day was shitty and still finds a way to make you laugh or feel better in some way. You don’t want someone who dismisses your vulnerabilities, but yet still expects you to understand when they’re feeling low. I told you earlier the last man I was with we were very much into each other in the beginning, talking to each other frequently, excited to see each other and would just completely enjoy each other. This is how you want it with someone, but not just in the beginning, you want it throughout the whole duration of your time together. You want someone who still shows they care after the first few weeks or months, for instance, I’ve been under the weather the last few days, I would have loved for a man to come bring me food or warm up my comforter or even simply asked if I needed anything just to make me feel better. I love it when a man wants to be present for me…I mean he’ll need to fight past my initial refusal for help, but after he conquers that, he may as well just go ahead an conquer me. — I’ll admit it, I’m on some bs when it comes to asking for help or saying I need someone. I’m working on it, never said I was perfect. 🥺

No, it won’t be rainbows and sunshine everyday with someone, I’m sure I’ve said that before, but if you both make it a point to clear the clouds for each other, then being vulnerable with that person should feel natural, don’t fight it. I had to learn this: when you avoid opening up and not showing your softer side to someone who wants to care, it can cause people to become closed off to you. So you don’t want to be destructive and block your blessings by feeling like you still have to be strong when you have someone who is willing to hold you when you’re not.

I want to end with this thought: Sometimes what we want isn’t what we need and I think this is a lesson we just keep having to learn because with what we want, it is what motivates us and pushes us; what we want is a goal, but what we need tends to humble us, keeps us grounded, and reminds us that we don’t have to be so hard all the time. And if you think about it, sometimes the people we butt heads with the most are the people who are more like us. Either that, or it’s people who want us to be our best and tries to get us out of our comfort zones, but we keep going back and forth with them because we don’t want to go out of our comfort zones.

I embrace every year that I age. I’m so happy I didn’t get into any drugs or smoking, or damaged my organs, and that I took care of my skin because I have seen people younger than me look like they surpass me by at least 10 years. And I love a man who appreciates a woman aging gracefully.

Sometimes people can see when we are not living up to who they know we can be, those are the people who pay attention to us. I tend to question my friends when I see them doing things or surrounding themselves with people who don’t highlight their best traits. One of my friends has people around him that he has know for a few years and I’m not too keen on them, I don’t really share my opinion on it because he considers them as friends and he has fun with them and that’s great, but I do feel like those people kind of drain him and I know people who have known him for 15 plus years and they are the caliber of people who can attest to his character because they’ve been around him and seen him in many scenarios. Although, those fun, free-loving people are cool to pass the time with, there is a limit to how much we allow them into our lives. No matter what type of a connection I may have with someone, if they don’t have the same types of things going on in their lives that I have to account for or be responsible of, then there is only but so much I can relate with them.

Friends should not have to tiptoe around each other when we are making questionable moves. I want you to be great because I know you can be better than what your are showing me right now. — No reason to get upset or defensive with people when they are just trying to open up to you because they see something that isn’t good for you, they are just trying to look out for you because they care. So in this sense, allow people who care about you to point out your vulnerabilities and weaknesses because they just want you to be the best you can possibly be.

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Recovery 2021

*Comments have temporarily been disabled.

2021….what can I say. I don’t remember part of you and what I do remember either makes me smile or makes me wonder, WTF?!

If you read any of my previous posts, you have a general idea of what I went through recently, if not, here is a recap: I had some health issues and after I made the decision to get myself better, there were some setbacks with residing side effects.

Recovery is a time you take to rediscover what makes you happy. And since the beginning of November I’ve been doing just that. I may have lost about a few months of this year due to an unfortunate mishap, but the silver lining is that it was only a few months and not a few years and what is lost will either stay lost and it's what’s best or what's lost will be found again and I gain clarity from it. Regardless of the possibilities, I still have to keep living every day knowing how blessed I am.

This is my renewed policy: I am going to joke, I am going to laugh, I am going to smile, I am going to toast, I am going to dress, I am doing to dance, and I am going to enjoy every moment I have.

AND, I am no longer going to feel bad for being forgiving, understanding, compassionate, and overwilling to make others feel comfortable. But, I am going to be very strict with my goals and my standards. There is something I want to accomplished in the next 4-5 years and even through the fun, I’m not going to allow any distractions. And If I see or witness something I don’t like, I’m not waiting for any explanations, I’m just going to move around it.

I am in full VIXEN mode….an untouchable vixen…who who builds, manages, and maintains her own conglomerate. If anyone cannot take the pressure, find the exit.

I’m a great person, that will never change. It’s my core. I love people. I protect people. But I am going to start taking myself away from people who don’t appreciate all that I am. I don’t plan on hurting anyone’s feelings or pride, but I’m not going to hurt myself either.

2021 may have erased some things, but it reminded me of a lot. So no matter what this new year brings, I am going to be all of me and then some. Of course no one can guarantee that it will be smooth sailing, life never worked that way, but shit, I’m still going to ride that boat through all the rough waves and storms. And any gentleman who wants to pursue me will need to be just that a gentleman…with a little edge. — And who isn’t afraid of me, who isn’t afraid to say it, who isn’t afraid to show it and who wants to build millions with me.

Where I want to be is with and around people who have the same gumption, discipline, and energy. Agree to disagree. — If something doesn’t work then restrategize, restructure, and refocus, but don’t run away and definitely don’t give up.

This is my affirmation. This is what I am putting out into the universe. And with this last week of 2021, I’m not doing anything too extravagant or over the top. I'm going to do my daily routines, head to my favorite coffee shop in the mornings and see some of my favorite bartenders in the evenings where some of the locals know me and usually drum up a little conversation with me. And before 10pm, I’ll be back in my little space, making myself a little snack and taking the night down with some tv. I don’t want to be out all hours of the night, I don’t want to go to any “hot spots”, I don’t want to be in any loud or overly crowded spaces. I’m a social person but I am not a social butterfly if that makes sense, in other words, I’m not a basic woman, but I do appreciate simplicity.

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You Can't Let Life Happen To You

So 2020 is done and the only thing I did differently last year was stayed in more and saw friends less. I still thrived personally, professional, and financially…got another degree, a certification, a raise, etc.

The last quarter of the year was a bit draining, because of the pandemic we had to do things differently and I was swamped with tasks and deadlines so coming into the new year I am a little lethargic and no so enthused 2021.

It got me to thinking of a statement I heard from a colleague as we were discussing an unreliable employee…”You can’t let life happen to you.”

What does this mean? Well, here’s my take…

We all go through life facing different challenges: being a woman, being a single parent, coming from a poor home, not thinking there’s any opportunities beyond what we know, being a black man in America, being black in other foreign countries, being white and misunderstood by your empathy towards other races, being rejected, losing a loved one, loving someone who doesn’t love you back the same, suffering mental health issues, having physical disabilities…the list goes on but, we are either going to allow our experiences to hinder and break us or we are going to allow ourselves to push through the obstacles becoming more educated and build character.

Have you ever noticed some of the best people to converse with are the ones who seem to have many life levels? Their philosophies are usually a resemblance of…”Everything happens for a reason. You just have to make the best of it.” And this is the best thing I can continue to tell people.

There is nothing in the living world that is perfect. As critical as we can be towards others and even towards ourselves, we cannot change everything. The only we can change is our perspective of life and find ways to laugh through the pain without suppressing or avoiding the healing process. Also, sharing our smiles onto others without ego and narcissism.

2021, here’s to you and what we can make of you. Cheers.

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Message From Raya L.

Hello All,

I first want to say how much I appreciate those of you who have been with me from the start even before Instagram, Facebook, and even MySpace. — All of you still come here to read my topics. You all are so DOPE.

Over the years, I’ve received an abundance of emails from people telling me how my words helped them through certain times and how my “voice” was a jumping off point to begin a new journey. You have no idea how much that means to me.

Let’s clear up some things. As public as my website is and as much as I may share about my thoughts, I have boundaries that I do not cross when revealing myself or parts of my life. You’ve notice I don’t give too much details about my kids, right? And I never disclose any company I am in business with unless it is a collaborative agreement. Any photos you see are in public areas; never sharing my private residences. Lastly, if I am ever referring to someone, I never state their names. Just because I created a public platform, doesn’t mean everyone else around me signed up for it, meaning I have a respect for the privacy of others. Anytime I share my stories, it is from the prospective of me and although I poke fun of my poor decisions here and there, I make a point to also speak on how I overcame it. It’s no secret my family are major Eagles fans, I like to eat, take photos, have two children, a failed marriage and that I had to start my life over in my mid-20’s, but what is mainly kept secret is all the things my loved ones and I do when we are together and spending quality time.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Gandhi

What I share is only a glimpse into my life. I prefer it that way. You may see many people on public platforms who share every detail about their days, that will never be me for several reasons:

1. This is not my main source of income

2. I don’t want everyone in my business or involved in my life

3. I prefer privacy over popularity

As far as many of you inquiring about my love interest, that part of my life will definitely remain away from the public eye. If I am ever seen with someone, we may or may not be together; and the only people who will know is our family, friends, people who are actually around us, and whomever we decide to tell.

Again, I appreciate all of you for taking time to be here with me and as always, stay positive and be good to others.

Love,

Raya L.