Hugs and Kisses

Ladies, don’t let any of these clowns make you feel like you aren’t enough, fck them. If a man wants easy, let him have easy. There is also a difference between a man being predatory towards younger women, having an identity issue with younger women, and misunderstanding what he’s doing. Maybe my opinion doesn't hold much weight because I’m not sleeping with anyone, so I don’t care what these men do.— But hear me out…

After my intro in the last post about telling ladies not to worry about men who aren’t of their statue and who entertain the younger generations, I got endless amount of messages for a lot of you women sharing your stories about heartache dealing with the same issues.

Ladies, I need you all to love yourselves. And I need you all to have friend groups that support all that you are. Affirm yourself no matter what status you’re at in life as long as you are striving to be better and be happier. I’m of a certain age and I’ve not had a lot of relationships, but I have had hurtful dealings with men. And guess what, I didn’t let any of the situations stop me from being great, I might have paused a bit to cater to my emotions, but after that, I went about my business. And please don’t assume I’m good because of how I look. I know how I look and I know how men look at me, but that’s not a major factor of my self-esteem. My confidence comes from the fact that I’ve been able to push through any difficulties that face me and know that whatever I grow from is going to build me to be stronger so I can conquer the next hurdle. My confidence also comes from the fact that each stage of my life, I’ve elevated. I’m not at the same place I was 20 years ago or even 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. And my peace is knowing that I have people who love and see me for me, not for what I can do for them.

Song: “Can I” by Kehlani

So ladies, if you have a man, a lover, or a sweetheart, that’s great, but don’t lose yourself in them. Because no matter how that plays out, you still have you. And that’s what I’m teaching and showing my kids, no matter who they love, they still need to take care of themselves too. When I am going through pain or a stressful situation, sometimes I seclude myself so I can figure out how I want, should, or need to feel. I may book a spa appointment, go on a weekend trip by myself, stay in bed and watch tv all day, or just head out to have a drink. You have to reconnect with yourself. Love can stress you out and these men sometimes don’t make it better, but you can’t rely on them for that.

Don’t get me wrong, there are amazing men out here. Much of them are my friends, and they are so amazing that sometimes when I am hanging out with them and one of their sweethearts are around they still see about me first and make sure I’m okay and having a good time before checking on their lovers. Most men are not like this, but that is the difference with my friends seeing and loving me for me because they know as strong as I can be, I’m still very delicate and they treat me as such. And this is what I meant when I say having friend groups that support all that you are. I remember one time, one of my friends got stood up on a date and she called me about it. I told her to stay put and I got dress went to meet her because I wasn’t going to let her waste her efforts of looking nice and letting some clown make her feel bad about herself. But I like being that type of friend for my friends . Although, you should have people who do that for you too.

Find your groove with who you currently are. Embrace it all, even your flaws. Fck these men. A lot of them never know what they have until it’s gone. Let them miss it and go on about your life. And Baby, don’t let the pain keep you from having love in your heart because trust me, there is going to be someone who matches your energy and you’re going to be so thankful that you didn’t let the heartache turn you cold. And be patient with your heart it goes through a lot so take care of it. Okay?

Hugs and Kisses - Raya L.

Hey Raya

In the early years of this site, people would ask me questions and I’d give my input. A few of you have done this recently and I don’t want to fall back into those types of publications again, but I will share some from time to time. Here is one from a long time reader.

Hey Raya,

I'm in a little dilemma. A few posts ago you talked about giving people chances. I was messing with someone last year and I'm not sure how or why we stopped. I always felt confused with him. Some days it seemed like he was in love with me and other days he made me feel like I didn't matter to him, so we just stopped talking all together. I was hurt. I thought things would be great with us but I could never figure out what he wanted and there were always other girls around him. You talk about a woman should know her value but it made me feel like he wanted to talk to them more than me. He recently hit me up last week. We started texting back and forth. I miss him but I don't like how he left things with me. People can change right? It's been a year but I don't want to go through the same thing. Any suggestions?

Dear Reader,

I have a similar experience. I knew a man for several years, for the most part we enjoyed our time together, but we also didn't see each other a lot during the beginning of our friendship so we made the most of it when we were in each other's company. Although, even during that time there were periods I felt like he didn't want to be bothered with me at all. We had a few blips, but we managed through it. Some time later, our dynamic changed and we had more opportunity to see each other often. The first few months were great, but then it seemed like he was back peddling his feelings and contradicting his words. It didn't make me feel great and I began to noticed things that made me question who he really is, but I remained loyal to him, it's one of the hallmarks of my personality -- staying good to people even with uncertainty. Then there was something major that happened to me and I didn't hear from him. I got through my hurdle and I got over the hurt from his absence and decided not to hold it against him. When your heart gets stitches and scars, you determine how it affects you and others. I still reach out to him every so often, there's been blips with that too, but like you, I don't want to go through the same confusion so at best I keep it simple. A mutual acquaintance of ours said to me that I’m not that guy’s type and when I was given some examples, I started to really think about it and realized that person seemed to be right.

I say if you are going to meet your guy, have caution. Ask him the hard questions about what happened between you two last time. Sometimes the hardest conversations are the one we need to have with people. Be honest with how you felt then and how you feel now. Also, really identify what exactly you miss about him and don't romanticize the good parts so much that it overshadows the bad parts. The bad parts are important too. Acknowledge any faults you had because you can't point fingers without some pointing back at you too. Yes, people do change with time. And remember, a relationship doesn’t define you, at the very least it is supposed to be a benefit to your life and make you feel hopeful, encouraged, supported, and appreciated.

In all actually, you really can do whatever you want with the man, it's not anyone else's choice to make. It's up to the two of you. If you both want to start something again, great, but make all your intentions clear so neither of you are blindsided and have routine conversations about it especially if anything changes.

---

Appearing Acts

Ever have someone just pop up in your life unexpectedly. Someone new or maybe someone you've already met before who you haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time? But either way, they just appear and make you rethink so many things. - Things you never considered before, things you've avoided, or things that no one else has made you think about. Who was it, where is this person now, and what's his name? 😆🤣

I'm referring to the person as a man because it's usually someone of the male persona that gets us women outside of ourselves. Sometimes for good change and sometimes…well, just for change. Get it?

If you recall a recent post ‘Men Are Demons’ then you were introduced to my distain of when men just pop up and halt your whole world and then when you make adjustments for them, they turn around and act like they never asked you to do any of it. — No Sir, you did not ask me, but as a person who wanted to make you feel comfortable in my life and around me, I made changes to accommodate you. Here’s the thing, anytime there is someone in your life who you spend any time with, you are actively making changes because you are making space for them in your life, whether it is a temporary space or long term space, there are still actions you take to welcome them. And they should be doing the same for you especially if you both want to continue to be significant in each other’s lives. *There are people who need many special names in their phone; I only need 1 that keeps me company from time to time. For instance a man inviting a different woman out rather than inviting the same woman. What would be more foolish of the man is when the women know each other. At that point you’re dealing with someone that doesn’t have direction or still wants to live in his youth and hides behind the thought of “just being nice”.

Men Are Stupid

-

Men Are Stupid -

Women don’t have a problem submitting. You’re just not the one she wants to submit to.

I don’t always like surprises, but I like to be surprised, does that make sense? For instance when someone exceeds my expectations or does something I did not think that were capable of doing, or goes against what he would normally do just to see me smile. Like when I am having a bad day and there’s flowers at my door when I get home with a sweet note, or better yet, he’s shows up with dinner in hand. Or if I am out at happy hour and I feel a random hug embrace me or when he reaches out for my hand to help me out of a car, in a car, out of a chair, walking into a room…whatever. To be honest, lately my expectations for men are very low. I’ve seen so many versions of them that it’s hard to believe who they really are. They may behave one way with you, but then you see them shift with other people. And when you ask about it, they feel you are being invasive. — I’ve been told that when a man is fully for you, he won’t have you questioning your place in his mind or heart.

I think in all my years of witnessing men in different scenarios, there is no making sense in what they do or say, they just…exist. And sometimes they think they are doing something admirable, but in reality, it’s inconsiderate. You just have to figure out how their existence benefits your life when they casually stroll in to it. A man is an option, not a definition for a woman and once you realize that, you also realize your worth. There is always a lesson in everything, people can change you, You decide how that change develops.

---

Be Good

A friend shared this on her LinkedIn feed. — Read it, digest it, and think for a moment.

The man, Adam Grant, who shared it on his own feed received a lot of mixed feedback. Comments advocating that sometimes people have good reason for not being kind to certain people in order to protect themselves, while others argue that no matter how/who the person is, you should still remain a good for your own inner peace…I am one of those people. (Below is my input with another friend’s response to me.)

There is a saying that goes, “Hurt people hurt people.” — There is a lot of truth in that saying. Ever notice when someone is mad, they say things out of anger and sometimes it’s not the nicest things? Or when you are still affected by what someone did to you there is still a sense discouragement towards them. There is a point where you just have to let that go. When you have bad feelings, it constrains you and turns you into someone you don’t favor. It may not seem like it, but there is a element of sadness in your thoughts, your words, and your actions when your are not kind to someone.

The same friend also shared another thought and I feel like the sentiments are related…

Here is her caption:

“This is true for both women and men. If you don't think what you say and do affects people, you are wrong. How you treat someone has an impact on them.

With relationships this is very accurate. You and your partner share a personal mental space and within that mental space is where your words and actions can make your partner feel great, loved, and appreciated or avoided, neglected and alone.”

Going back to the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” Let’s think about this, a hurt person will either lash out or go silent and in return it hurts the other person involved. — A vicious cycle of unspoken emotions and truths. And sometimes you have to decide that if someone keeps acting like they want to lose you or that your presence is not important to them, then maybe they just need to lose you.

---

The Men We Choose

Friendly reminder that this site is for entertainment purposes only. It’s to invoke intrinsic thought and hopefully encourage people to look at different perspectives.

This post has been in my draft folder since last year (I have a few I still have yet to go through), I cannot remember why I started writing it or what I was going through at the time, but the topic has become relevant again….

Set from JLuxLabel (P.S.. - This is what I mean when I say I’m about to make everyone uncomfortable...him, her, every body.)

Okay ladies, let’s lay it all out. Some of our men problems are because of the types of men we choose or are attracted to. A man is going to act and behave in a way that benefits him, even if it hurts or affects other people. Any of you remember the Donnell Jones song, Where I Want To Be? It’s about a man exploring other potential before deciding/realizing the woman for him was the woman who has always been there from him even when he wasn’t available. Love is a battle field to say the least. There were definitely casualties of war while I was with my children’s father and when I was with the athlete…it was ugly. But looking back, I wanted them for different reasons, silly reasons, superficial reasons, unrealistic reasons. I guess at some point we have to be cognizant of how we are choosing our partners. Yes, the men chase us, but we chose if it is them or not and sometimes it’s…not.

No one is perfect and we make mistakes. Mistakes are the stepping stones in life; What? You think you walk on water and have never done anything wrong to anyone? I have no problem defending someone’s mistakes if I feel they genuinely want to be a better person. Hell, I defended my ex’s mistakes for years until I finally woke up and realized he wasn’t changing…sometimes being the ride or die type of woman will damage you mentally before it effects you physically. There is nothing wrong with standing by a man, just make sure he’s standing by you too.

I guess I believe in more than just second chances. My problem may be that I am too flexible with men. I’m not sure why. — Maybe it is because I was raised by my father (only) and witnessed how much pressure men take on. Internally, men are not any stronger than us, but they are expected to be…maybe that’s why I give them a little more time and grace. So is it that we choose the wrong men or is it that we are more agreeable and understanding than they are? Or are there such things as “the wrong man”?

I guess if we take away the romantic aspect, we are left with who the man is entirely. Just like if a man were to not look at us with any sexual interest, who are we as a woman? In our raw core, are we good people? Are we good to people OR are we good to those who are only good to us? Are we quid pro quo or are we only like that to those we sleep or slept with? So maybe the topic should be not just the men we choose, but also the women that men choose. Why do men choose us? We are emotional, jealous, irrational, overbearing, talk too much, overthink nonstop and…..yeah, I’ll say it…crazy. — Hey fellas, WE can call each other crazy, but you can’t call us crazy, got it🤨? Which leads me to decide that I don’t honestly feel I can ask a man to agree to a special arrangement (see last post for reference: Self-Care, Peace and The V Care). I’m sorry, I cannot bring myself to do it. It’s like being a place card for each other but neither of us are each other’s plus-ones. I may just need to think more on it.

My friend told me if I blink the wrong way this top will show everything. Lol. This is one of those outfits you wear for girls’ night or for someone special.

If I am going to hang out with a guy friend, that’s it, we’ll just be hanging out. I can’t be casual with my intimacy, — I’m either all about you (us) or I’m only about me. If I’m the one making more compromises, that’s not right, don’t have me folding when you don’t even have a good hand (poker reference). I’m a catering person, I like making sure the people around me are taken care of, so if I am sleeping with someone, I not only want to cater to him but I also want assurance that the sentiments are mutual…I don’t want to see you hugging on someone if I was just wrapped around you the other night, because then how am I to know if you’re getting involved with someone else if your eating up the attention right in front of me? — I don’t entertain involved men. There are still such things as STDs😒.

Nah, I’m not choosing any man right now. If he’s confident and strong enough, he’ll need to chose me and present me with something I’m willing to accept, otherwise I can only offer funny conversations and very…. 👀 intriguing outfits😁. I dare a man to approach me with a special arrangement and don’t come with me with any bs. I guess it may have something to do with my inner need for someone to lead and take control. I make so many decisions throughout the day that it would be great for a man to lay out what we are going to do and not make me feel like I’m requiring too much or make me feel insignificant to his life. And with all my current guy friends, I don’t want to change anything with them, they are great the way things are. So I’m not choosing any damn man, he’s going to have to chose me and we are going to go through ALL of each other’s growing pains together. 🥴

---

Man, A Woman's Best Friend

If you caught my first Vlog, lucky you because I took it down in less than 48 hours 🥴. I told you I'm not too comfortable talking on camera. I have a new found appreciation for YouTubers and Podcasters. And thank you to those who mentioned how I can't ever hide my accent, it's imbedded. For those of you who missed it, I included a summary at the very bottom.

Set from The Daileigh

So, let us talk more about this whole "boyfriend, not a boyfriend" thing. I'm just going to go ahead and call it a "bestfriend" because that's what makes the most sense to me. The concept is a woman has a guy bestfriend who supports her, loves her, is her shoulder to cry on, hangs out with her, and there is no sex involved. I tend to think this is not realistic because I believe the human brain begins to wonder when you get too close to someone, plus…men are…will always be men. In my video I mentioned I have male friends who I confide in and hang out with, but there are limitations such as, we don't speak every day and I don't tell them about everything in my life, and I only hang out with them on occasion, not every week. When I do hang out with my guy friends, I'm cognizant with what I do and say around them, because again, I have boundaries and if I'm not crossing them, you won't either.

Ideally, I would love to call up a guy and say, "Wake up loser, let's go get some coffee." (calling men offensive names is a weird love language for me) or telling him to come over because my garbage disposal isn’t working and I need him to come work his handyman magic because maintenance can’t come by today (this is actually my true life right now). OR when I am out drinking too much and he comes to rescue me from myself…this is not an endearing quality of mine, but I can get a little “too much” when I drink too much. Sorry. 😖 Just give me food and water and put me in the bed. I’m a responsible adult, but I get foolish sometimes. 😇

I still think a guy bestfriend would not work for me. Even my girl bestfriends know I don't like to be bothered too much, hell even people who don't know well know I get into my distant moods. With my personality, this "guy bestfriend" would have to be okay with being ignored a lot and talked sh*t too…a lot 🥴. Sometimes I say things without emotion or laughing, but I’m not serious, it’s just my dry humor and most people don’t understand or take offense. If you are sensitive, you cannot be my friend in any way.

With any male friend no matter how close we are, I'd still have lines you can't cross. Like, you can come over and raid my fridge, but you can't lay in my bed. We can share a blanket on the couch, but your feet can't touch me. And clothes must always be on your body, this ain't a Chippendales, keep your clothes on sir, even if you're taking a shower at my place, don't come out of the bathroom without decent attire on. You have to set parameters with men, no matter you're friendship with them. Because what if I get into a relationship, and this bestfriend comes out of the bathroom shirtless, am I telling my beau, "Oh this is my bestie" ??? I'm sure that will go well 😓. And it's the same for the guy, what if he gets into a relationship and tells his lady I'm his bestfriend?....Does your dad have a female bestfriend and what does your mom (his wife) say about it? (Assuming you have an example of a healthy relationship in your life).

Because even if I were a guy's bestfriend and he's in a relationship, at that point I'd have to understand the changes in our friendship to respect his girlfriend, no matter what I think of her. I think this is what many girls DON'T DO is take a back seat when their guy friend has a new lady is his life. It's like they think it's a competition? Why? Don’t treat me like a stranger or start acting funny around me when the girl is around, I don’t respect that dumb sh*t, still act like my friend, and if she has an issue with you doing that or she doesn’t like when I’m around, it’s a problem of hers not yours. There is a way for a man to still care about his female friends without taking it too far. But most men are so aloof on how to do that, it’s a bit disappointing because women can sense when something is off. I can’t explain it, it’s one of our powers, even with men I’m involved with, I can tell when he’s not being fully upfront with me. It’s a combination of tone, verbiage, body language, and lack of certain endearments.🔮

So when my guy friends are in relationships and he’s vocal about it, tells me about her, seems to be good for him, then I’m aware of her. I have a good guy friend, not a bestfriend, we call each other about once a month and we talk about various things, but I'm always considerate of his wife. — I don't keep him on the phone long, I don't call him at unreasonable hours, and I don't ask him to come hang out. But it's a little reversed for him because I'm single, he doesn't have to think about anyone's feelings if he calls passed a certain hour or asks me to come have drinks. — He can be considerate of Me and my time as a friend but that's about it.

But if my guy friend is dating someone and he is very vague about her, then I’m not really going to be to so open to her because he’s not giving me the vibe that he’s really into her long term. See, there is a science to noticing these things with men. If she’s legit, then I’m all for her. Females should be open to the thought that if it's the right woman for him, she's going to be around a long time even if they argue and split for a bit, if she's not, then he'll figure it out, hopefully sooner than later, and then you can tease him about his poor choices in women 😆. I don't believe in bashing other females, I do believe in calling out guys on their questionable tastes and it works both ways, he can tease me too, but don't let it go too far...I'm sensitive. 😁

It's one thing to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you put "best" in front of the word it puts a whole different meaning to it. So I don't know, I'm still a bit skeptical about this idea. Maybe I'm the weird one😕. Because if a guy is going to be this type of friend to me, he’s going to be my husband or my life long partner and there is going to be sex involved.

---

---

Summary of the Vlog:

1. Someone said I should get a boyfriend who is not a boyfriend, someone who supports me, is my cheerleader, someone I can lean on, and who loves my unconditionally. There is NO SEX involved, so this person is not a “f” buddy or friends with benefits, but rather this a is “coddle buddy” — a person you can go to about anything without judgement and will help you through your struggles. This person is similar to a best friend but more than that, it is no one you are related to, and will most likely someone you are already friends with. I don’t think this type of man is realistic, but I’m open to the thought.

2. When I was processing this information, I thought about all the guy friends I currently have, but there is not one person, male or female, that I call on for everything. Everyone gets different bits of information and conversation topics with me. The guy friends I have are great, but I don’t go to one person for everything. I would love to, but I don’t believe I am capable with sharing all of my secrets with just one person. I also do not cross the boundaries with my current guys friends or change the dynamics for several reason: because I don’t want to ruin the friendship, because of my loyalty to certain people, because of my morals/values, and because I just don’t think of them in that manner. My current guy friends fit my life just as they are and vice versa. A friend I grew up with is very protective of me so when I talk to him about certain things, he takes more of a big brother tone. My friend “C” is a great friend and there are many factors we value about our friendship and the limitations are right where they ought to be.

3. I am still limiting the comment because at least one person keeps leaving very rude comments towards someone I know and it does not matter what my status is with a person, I do not condone talking badly about people I am connected with. I feel like I am a good judge of people and everyone has their flaws, but anyone whom I have cared about or have shared time with is an imprint on life, so to talk about them is to talk about me and saying that I made a bad judgement of character. It does not matter what horrible things someone may say about someone I know, I will make my own opinions and decisions on that person because of what I have experienced with them, NOT because of someone else’s experience with them. I think if people say something enough, then you start to believe it, which can happen and has happened with me. — I hear the same things so often, I start to wonder if they are true or not. But I’m not just a loyal friend, I’m an overall loyal person in the sense that even if I am upset, confused, or angry about something, I am not going to tear you down behind your back and I’m not going to give anyone else ammunition to spin a story that may be even further from the truth. That’s who I am.

4. Until the comments are better handled, you can send your messages through the CONTACT ME link.

Recovery 2021

*Comments have temporarily been disabled.

2021….what can I say. I don’t remember part of you and what I do remember either makes me smile or makes me wonder, WTF?!

If you read any of my previous posts, you have a general idea of what I went through recently, if not, here is a recap: I had some health issues and after I made the decision to get myself better, there were some setbacks with residing side effects.

Recovery is a time you take to rediscover what makes you happy. And since the beginning of November I’ve been doing just that. I may have lost about a few months of this year due to an unfortunate mishap, but the silver lining is that it was only a few months and not a few years and what is lost will either stay lost and it's what’s best or what's lost will be found again and I gain clarity from it. Regardless of the possibilities, I still have to keep living every day knowing how blessed I am.

This is my renewed policy: I am going to joke, I am going to laugh, I am going to smile, I am going to toast, I am going to dress, I am doing to dance, and I am going to enjoy every moment I have.

AND, I am no longer going to feel bad for being forgiving, understanding, compassionate, and overwilling to make others feel comfortable. But, I am going to be very strict with my goals and my standards. There is something I want to accomplished in the next 4-5 years and even through the fun, I’m not going to allow any distractions. And If I see or witness something I don’t like, I’m not waiting for any explanations, I’m just going to move around it.

I am in full VIXEN mode….an untouchable vixen…who who builds, manages, and maintains her own conglomerate. If anyone cannot take the pressure, find the exit.

I’m a great person, that will never change. It’s my core. I love people. I protect people. But I am going to start taking myself away from people who don’t appreciate all that I am. I don’t plan on hurting anyone’s feelings or pride, but I’m not going to hurt myself either.

2021 may have erased some things, but it reminded me of a lot. So no matter what this new year brings, I am going to be all of me and then some. Of course no one can guarantee that it will be smooth sailing, life never worked that way, but shit, I’m still going to ride that boat through all the rough waves and storms. And any gentleman who wants to pursue me will need to be just that a gentleman…with a little edge. — And who isn’t afraid of me, who isn’t afraid to say it, who isn’t afraid to show it and who wants to build millions with me.

Where I want to be is with and around people who have the same gumption, discipline, and energy. Agree to disagree. — If something doesn’t work then restrategize, restructure, and refocus, but don’t run away and definitely don’t give up.

This is my affirmation. This is what I am putting out into the universe. And with this last week of 2021, I’m not doing anything too extravagant or over the top. I'm going to do my daily routines, head to my favorite coffee shop in the mornings and see some of my favorite bartenders in the evenings where some of the locals know me and usually drum up a little conversation with me. And before 10pm, I’ll be back in my little space, making myself a little snack and taking the night down with some tv. I don’t want to be out all hours of the night, I don’t want to go to any “hot spots”, I don’t want to be in any loud or overly crowded spaces. I’m a social person but I am not a social butterfly if that makes sense, in other words, I’m not a basic woman, but I do appreciate simplicity.

---

I Like When He...(NSFW)

*This is now available in MEMBERS ONLY.

---

*That’s probably because people mistaken us for soft because we love so much.

HER

*Comments have temporarily been disabled.

For any woman (or man) who has ever doubted herself, felt lonely, went unappreciated, was lied to, disappointed, had self-esteem issues, lacked confidence, just know it’s a phase and you will get through it. So far I’ve went through this phase three times in life, and I am still pulling myself through the current one.

I seem to have these moments anytime there is a major life change where I have to make some big decisions for myself.

There is no easy way to climb out of feelings of depression and the only thing to do is decide whether this is how you want to be for the rest of your life. With the recent battle, it wasn’t just my health that set me back, although it was a major contribution, I also realized I was not “happy” for a long time. From what memories I still have, I do remember that I smiled, laughed, and hung out with people, but internally I wasn’t really present. — I was just going through the motions.

When the pandemic shutdown in March 2020 began, I shut myself in. Work didn't change for me, it just had it's challenges. My friend groups were all being cautious, so I didn't see much of them, and I didn't get to travel as much as I’m used to. So the pandemic did force some changes that hindered me a little. Towards the 3rd quarter of the year, I began to get back out, although against my better judgment and that's when I began to unravel and didn't even realize it.

I think I allowed a lot of things that I normally would not allow to happen because I felt I needed to do something different, be someone different. It’s like I stopped investing in my own stock and sold off shares for less than their value….not the case anymore.

I have experienced enough in life to know what I want and can be assertive about it, but I am also aware that there is still so much life in me that I have to yet learn. It’s an ongoing cycle and not always a fun ride, but a ride nonetheless. *And keep reminding yourself that we don’t compete with other people, we compete with ourselves so we are either our own come up or downfall.

Sometimes I feel like I should write a book about all I’ve been through, but then I think…I don’t have to explain anything to anyone nor do I want to tell the details of my story. Most of my family and friends would be surprised about some revelations. But what I keep private has purpose and sometimes that purpose is to either protect myself or other people. I’m not one of these people on social media who asks for thoughts and prayers anytime something unfortunate happens and I definitely don’t share when I am not feeling like myself because I don’t need everyone’s affirmations. I also don’t like for people to carry my weight when I know everyone has their own to carry.

In this last year, there were 3 different incidences where I could have not made it. I don’t know if 2021 is my defining year, but shit, it sure was a scary one. — Lord, if you’re ready for me to come home, just say it, I don’t need anymore close encounters. Please! — But, I’m still here, so I guess I still have mountains to conquer.

I can honestly say that I am much happier today than I was earlier this year. I’m still missing a big chunk of 2021, but maybe that’s for good reason or divine intervention? Who knows. What I do know is that I am feeling very refreshed, more eager, more determined, and my confidence level is climbing stairs….with ankle weights. There are still some inflictions I need to figure out, people I need to speak to, and doors I need to close and I am going to do it with open ears, open eyes and with an open heart topped off with a smile no matter the outcome.

I mentioned before that I am ready to make everyone uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean that I am on a war path to putting others down. No. It means that I’m prepared to enjoy what I want to enjoy, who I want to enjoy it with and not harp on who may have an issue with what I decide to do. Whether I want to stay in and enjoy my own company, I am not going to shy away from saying, “I want to be by myself this evening.” OR whether I want to go out and hang with a few people, we may be out all night or just out for a few hours. — Whatever I decide, I’m standing by it.

Some people may start saying, “She acting new” or “She’s acting different” — And they can say whatever they want make them feel comfortable in trying to make sense of what I do. I’m no longer appealing to everyone else’s expectations. If I’m good with it, it’s happening. If not, Bye.

---

The Submissive (NSFW)

*This is now available in MEMBERS ONLY.

---

Set The Tone

*Comments have temporarily been disabled.

I’ve had this website for a long time now. It started off on Blogger in 2008 and has changed names a few times since then (IamRayaL, TheStyledMa, and currently, LoveRaya). Over the years, I have shared style tips, recipes, experiences, and learned how to monetize this site. These days I share my thoughts on life topics that include family, relationships, business, and finance. It’s also like leaving breadcrumbs so I remember what I used to do and how I used to think before becoming who I am today. With these last few weeks, remembering things (major and minor in the last few months) has been a little difficult for me to do.

I cannot tell you enough how grateful I am to my readers…especially when you notice my absence from time to time. My faithful readers know that I value my privacy and only share but so much with the public.

I use Squarespace as my website host and one of the benefits is I get certain analytics and reports on the traffic on my website, what people search for, keywords, and what the most popular content is. I don’t know if my visitors are men or women or any of their background details unless I do an advanced research (that’s too much) but interestingly, the most popular content in the last 60 days have been 2 posts:

• Don’t Give Everyone Access (published Jul. 2020)

  • I talk about being exclusive and how everyone does not deserve to be around you and being aware of people who are takers.

  • It’s not selfish to want to be alone or to not want to talk about certain things with certain people.

• Men Set The Tone (published Oct. 2018)

  • I talk about how women set our standards on what we accept from a man, but a man still is the one who sets the tone in a relationship and how it will continue. The tone he sets may be influenced by the woman, influenced by his family or friends, or the tone is just his own preferences. I read somewhere that love is a chemical reaction that comes and goes, the challenge is being disciplined enough to not hurt someone when the feeling goes or reminding yourself that losing the person will hurt you just as much.

  • The emails I’ve gotten about this post reveals that no one disagrees with this logic….So fellas, you decide what type of leadership you are going to show a woman.

  • Speaking for myself, I love when a man is clear on what he wants with me and doesn’t confuse it with conversations or behaviors that contradict what he wants. He doesn’t treat me as one of his many options, he treats me as the reason. I cannot stand for a man who will not answer a direct question and leaves it open for interpretation. This tells me that he’s putting me aside to see what else is available and if he can’t find better, he’ll come back around. — Nah playboy, just keep going and take that bs elsewhere.

  • I also love for a man to take control in a way that's protective and not demeaning in the sense that he cares about me, wants the best for me, wants me to be better, and will keep me safe. Or if we are meeting at the restaurant and he gets there first or I’m running behind and he goes ahead and orders for me because he knows I'm not a picky eater. He also orders my drink because he knows what I like or wants me to try something different…yeah, that's the type of “Take Control” I like.

With both posts, the main thought is that no one can take your value from you unless you allow them to. It’s a cliché thought, but it’s absolutely true. You cannot depend on someone else to make you feel whole no matter how much you care for a person and want to hold on to them. You have to hold on to you and set your own parameters with everyone in your life.

Don’t be mistaken, I am not void of men problems or letting my emotions get the best of me. My issue in any of those types of situations is that I thought too highly of a person, higher than I thought of myself and it backfired. The reality is you will never know what someone is thinking or truly feeling and you cannot always go off of actions because those can change too. With every new experience we go through, there is a new perspective we gain and with the new perspective it can change what we do, what we say, and how to act around others.

---

For Laughs

---

Equal or Special

Let’s talk about this whole equality thing for a moment. I am all for women’s empowerment and rights BUT, I do draw the line with certain topics and I am still aware that the male and female sexes don’t always travel on the same frequencies. Refer back to my previous mention of the female brain HERE.

See the text image as an example…Pink felt violated while using a gender neutral bathroom where Blue stated the misunderstanding of what Equality is and Yellow concurs with Blue…as do I.

Even when “Equal Pay” is discussed, we have to understand market segments in different regions on top of work titles, responsibilities, and cost of living. If the argument is a man and a woman are working for the same company, they have the same position with the same credentials, YES their pay should be equal. But, if you are arguing that a woman working for a private company in Texas with less that 2,000 employees vs. a man working in Alabama for a global company with over 5,000 employees with just a salary, not commission based for either, then the argument is lacking relativity.

But pay is a sensitive topic for most, so let’s move on form that. Do I prefer a women’s only bathroom? Yes. Am I okay with shared bathrooms? Yes, if it is a single stall and sink where there can only be one person at a time. Will I use a gender neutral bathroom? No, but if it is my only option then I may consider it. This isn’t just about bathrooms though, this is about how we as women want to be treated. If I am in a professional setting and having a conversation with men, don’t assume I don’t know about business practices or think that I can only relate to female topics like beauty and retail. Now on the other side of things, if I am in a social setting, I still like for doors to be opened for me. I still like for men to be gentleman and be respectful towards women.

---

Here is a more personal example in thinking about Equal vs Special: Ladies, say you are seeing a guy, it’s casual you’re still getting to know each other, you hang out, you may be intimate but, overall you enjoy each other. So here is the question: Even though you two are not a couple, would you be okay if he was casually seeing other women too? My guess would be No for many women because you want to be the “Special” one. I get it. There is this stigma that when a man is playing the field he can still be desired but, if a woman has several suitors she cannot fully be trusted…and I agree BUT, I don’t find it attractive for men to be available to every and any woman. Nor do I think women she be that way either. Just my opinion, I know everyone makes their own decisions with their lives. — If you are single, do what you want but as for me, I like to have discipline and standards (because shit, I know my worth). And if I am seeing a guy who chooses to “do what he wants” then okay, I will remove myself from the scenario, because again, I do not find that attractive nor do I want to feel like I have to compete with other women. If he doesn’t know my value regardless of what title we have, then that is his lack of awareness, not mine. Plus, if someone else has the same access as me to a man, then he can choose to spend any of his availability with that person…if you are speaking to someone the same way you speak to me, if you are talking about the same things, and if you are embracing or hugging someone the same way you do to me, then again, go over there. I don’t want to be anyone's option, I’m worth someone’s reason. So if a man so chooses to give the same effort to someone else, I'm good.

Men and women are not fundamentally or socially equal, let’s be honest about that. Although, does that mean one sex should receive more benefits over the other sex? In my perspective, the equality is more about acknowledging that women are more than capable of just baring children and keeping a house clean. Give women the credit of being outspoken, contributing to society and businesses, obtaining their own success, and being able to lead similar lives to men. If I really think about it, I probably more prefer to be treated special than equal, and just be mindful of how fair you are to me as a woman.

---

You Can't Let Life Happen To You

So 2020 is done and the only thing I did differently last year was stayed in more and saw friends less. I still thrived personally, professional, and financially…got another degree, a certification, a raise, etc.

The last quarter of the year was a bit draining, because of the pandemic we had to do things differently and I was swamped with tasks and deadlines so coming into the new year I am a little lethargic and no so enthused 2021.

It got me to thinking of a statement I heard from a colleague as we were discussing an unreliable employee…”You can’t let life happen to you.”

What does this mean? Well, here’s my take…

We all go through life facing different challenges: being a woman, being a single parent, coming from a poor home, not thinking there’s any opportunities beyond what we know, being a black man in America, being black in other foreign countries, being white and misunderstood by your empathy towards other races, being rejected, losing a loved one, loving someone who doesn’t love you back the same, suffering mental health issues, having physical disabilities…the list goes on but, we are either going to allow our experiences to hinder and break us or we are going to allow ourselves to push through the obstacles becoming more educated and build character.

Have you ever noticed some of the best people to converse with are the ones who seem to have many life levels? Their philosophies are usually a resemblance of…”Everything happens for a reason. You just have to make the best of it.” And this is the best thing I can continue to tell people.

There is nothing in the living world that is perfect. As critical as we can be towards others and even towards ourselves, we cannot change everything. The only we can change is our perspective of life and find ways to laugh through the pain without suppressing or avoiding the healing process. Also, sharing our smiles onto others without ego and narcissism.

2021, here’s to you and what we can make of you. Cheers.

---

Supporting Small

There are 30.2 million small businesses in this country, which comprise a whopping 99.9% of all United States businesses (fundera.com). Do you see that number??? 30.2 MILLION Small Businesses in the USA! When you hear about the United States being a land of opportunities, it wasn’t a lie…the hustle is REAL folks. The country has its flaws, but just like family members, you accept them as they are and cater your life according to your personal goals. Oh and by the way…BLACK LIVES MATTER. — There’s too many people I love for this movement not to be important to me.

Skirt - Hanifa Official

Since the Pandemic rolled into town, many doors have closed permanently or facing permanent closures. A business is not an in adamant entity, it’s a passion, it’s someone who put their efforts to bring something to a community. When you head into your local town, almost all of those business are owned and operated be people who live there. SUPPORT THEM.

If you can support major conglomerates like the NFL (me), big name designers (again me), or franchises (also guilty), then you can surely support a local business. Some businesses have a deeper purpose, for instance a coffee shop in the Houston Heights neighborhood in Texas called A 2nd Cup is an advocate to bringing awareness to human trafficking and developing efforts to save and help victims. This is something I wholeheartedly support, not only because it’s inhumane, but I am from a country where human trafficking is a major problem — there are evils in this world that is beyond imaginable and when western cultured men talk about their Asian fetishes, it gets uncomfortable…some of you men are completely oblivious to your own damaging behaviors. I know how I look and how I carry myself, it doesn’t give you privilege to be inappropriate to me, especially when you don’t really know me.

Any who, SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL BUSINESSES and encourage your friends and family to do the same. Ripple effect.

Anytime a friend sends me information on a new business, I don’t make much hesitation to support in some way, whether it’s sharing the info to others or buying something from the business. It’s just THAT simple and makes a whole world of difference to the owners.

Extra Income

• Keep studying.

• Keep researching.

• Keep learning.

• Keep growing.

---

As promised in my recent post about stocks (HERE), I am going to give some information on other ways to make extra income. — And this is not me telling you to do something without experience, all of these options are checked off on my list and then some. I enjoy doing it. — Plus, I refuse to outgrow or become too good for certain frivolous habits, so I need a little more play money….my people know how I am.

(NOTE: This list is the bare essentials of information, to put action to any of these items, you will need to put in the effort to research further and do the work.)

With most of these avenues, you barley have to leave your house. So you can be anywhere in the world and still make money daily…which is why I'm rarely far from my laptop and if I’m looking at my phone too often, it’s mainly because I set up a way to manage my extra income in the palm of my hand.

Plus, if you do your due diligence, all of these options are PANDEMIC PROOF!

1 - Sell your skills/knowledge - Utilize what you know, package it up, develop an audience and sell (this is one of the big money makers).

• What do you know how to do? If you are highly educated on a topic say for example, real estate, you can create a course that teaches people how to market, promote, and sell homes. You can also have a subscription membership where only paid members get the extensive insider details about real estate. Another example, if you have spent years in the corporate industry and have developed tools to help companies become more efficient, effective and more profitable, SELL WHAT YOU KNOW. Put together a package on what you can do in a specific field, organize it in a way that someone who is entry-level will be able to understand it. Then create advanced or follow-up lessons or courses.

  • It’s the same concept if you want to sell a service. In early 2019 I opened a photo studio. I had tiered prices for different options. I used a scheduling program to manage appointments and payments online. I even rented out my studio space to other photographers and to people who wanted to use my setups for their own needs. Towards the end of the year I was in the midst of looking for a larger space before the pandemic happened, so I decided it was best to put that task on pause for now (which has worked out in my favor by allowing me to focus more on other ventures.)

• To promote yourself, link with other people in your field and BRAG about what you can do and keep bragging about it. Create social media ads/flyers about your skills and knowledge, and engage with people. Building your network goes hand in hand with building your audience which can turn into clients.

2 - Monetize your website - Use tools like Adsense, Google Analytics, and Amazon features to make money when people visit your site. These features take a little IT knowledge and some thorough research. I began developing websites in the early 2000’s, so I know some basics about HTML coding and where to find the header/footer sections to paste tracking codes. (These days I use a unified platform host for my website that has all the features I need….no more extensive coding.)

• Adsense is a feature developed by Google that create ads on your website and anytime someone clicks on an ad, you earn money. You can even get paid for the amount of clicks your website gets.

  • With the right ads and the right target audience you can make anywhere from a few hundred dollars a month to several thousands of dollars a month.

  • Free eBook: Turn Your Computer into a Money Machine

  • Free eBook: Google Adsense - Everything You Need to Know

  • Free eBook: Adsense Secrets

• Amazon Ads are like Adsense Ads, they populate on your website and when someone clicks on the ad, you earn money.

  • Neither Adsense or Amazon shares the person’s information with you if they click on an ad.

  • Free eBook: Amazon Ads Unleashed

• Google Analytics is something I am still learning. This is great for active marketers, it gives you reports on how well your website performs and what people are looking at the most. (It gives you more comprehensive data than this, but I am still figuring out how to use this information to my benefit.) The whole purpose is you want more traffic to your website which will increase the potential of people clicking on Ads or Links that get you paid. So, if you can create popular content, you can achieve this goal.

  • Free eBook: SEO 2020

3 - Referral Links - Take advantage of special links that pay you a commission when someone signs up or purchases through your link

• Referral Links can be use to send to people or published on your website or a social media post. Just like the ads, when someone clicks on the link and either signs up or purchases (depending in the link destination) you earn money.

• I use this feature A LOT. Many times when you see a word or phrase on my site that is hyperlinked, it most likely leads to a page that gives me commission.

  • Again, just like the ads, these tools do not share anyone’s information with you if they signup or purchase through your link.

4 - eCommerce - Create a store and sell online. With so many user friendly eCommerce apps, there are many ways to sell almost anything you want online (this can be a big money maker too). You can sell on platforms as big as Amazon or more designate engines like Poshmark or Etsy.

• We are a CONSUMER economy, which means we buy things…ALL THE TIME. Creating an online store can really help you rake in the dollars. Just like with selling your skills/knowledge above, you have to develop an audience. — What are you selling? Who are you selling to? How can you get their attention? How can you keep their attention so they come back to buy more?

• You also what to make a profit, so I suggest making a spreadsheet of all your costs: inventory, packing supplies, marketing items/tools, any learning resources you had to purchase to advance your knowledge, and LABOR…YES, pay yourself too! Once you get that number, calculate what your selling prices should be.

For instance, I have a Vintage and Preloved shop on Mercari. It started out as a way for me to clean out my over-packed closets, but now it has turned into a very lucrative mini business where I sell vintage/preloved items from other sources and I even partner up with different small businesses and vendors to showcase their products as well.

Mercari is a very simple setup (you may have seen their commercials recently). But, I don’t just take photos of things, stick a price tag on it, and list it. No. Not only do I detail each item a best as possible, I also created a marketing and customer service/engagement plan. I made business cards, thank you notes, and discount flyers to place with each item that’s sold. I also curate collection of pieces and styles. Right now the most popular features in my shop is the “His to Hers” Collection where I re purpose mens shirts into women's fashion. (See images)

Aside from my Mercari shop, I have another store embedded into my website. With both, I am able to manage everything online. I even have a small team to assist with packing and shipping orders.

….Yah, ya girl here stays occupied.

SIDE NOTE: You know what I would like to see? “Adult Ice Cream Trucks” but instead of ice cream, it’s cocktails…well, I suppose you can do infused ice cream too. Just drive through neighborhoods playing Gin & Juice on the speakers and watch all the eager adults line up. Someone get the licensing together on that, I’ll be an investor.

5 - Rakuten - There is nothing you need to research or develop with this option. This is for anyone who shops, especially online (me). This service used to be called “Ebates” and it give you cash back when you shop at one of their participating retailers. Because I shop online A LOT, I have a Rakuten Extension next to my search bar in Chrome and it will flicker or a message will popup if I am shopping where I can earn money back through their link. (You may earn a small percentage, but trust me, it adds up when you spend too much!)

Lastly…

6 - Rental Properties - If you have some capital to invest or buy proprieties, I HIGHLY suggest this option and starting out, there is going to be a lot of paperwork and knowledge you will have to consume. Brace yourselves.

• Before buying, research the area, taxes, HOA, schools, demographics, etc. Speak to the realtors often so they are fully aware of what you are looking for and the proposed plan for the property.

  • You also want to know about city ordinances and regulations about placing a property for rental. (Business licensing, Fire Marshall Inspections, Lease Length Protocols, etc.)

• If you have the resources, elect purchasing foreclosed properties. You’ll buy at a lower cost and gain much turnaround in capital….and mentally prepare for renovations.

• If your are purchasing outside of your residential city or state, opted for a local management service or someone you trust who lives in the area to help oversee the place for you. They can aide in any issues your tenants may have.

[I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that you may need to pay taxes on any extra income; reference 1099 Tax Form. — Two things we’re not immune to is death and taxes.]

Don’t limit yourself when you are capable of so much more.

---

Men, this next part is for the women, but you can stick around and learn something.

Somebody’s Momma

Somebody’s “The One Who Got Away”

Ladies, let me tell you something….

You are the REASON of life. You are CREATIVITY. You are CHAOS and PEACE at the same time. You LOVE harder than any man can understand. You SACRIFICE more than the world will ever know. Warriors have SLAIN for us. We have birthed KINGDOMS. We sit on a desired THRONE. Do not accept anyone who does not value ALL of you.

Now, I’m not one to hop in and out of relationships or have a concern about being single for the rest of my life, but if you are actively seeking one, stick to your standards….And good luck, I hear the Lord is running out of husbands, so it's slim pickings out there. 😄 (My potential future husband is probably out here being a dumbass and running around with all the wrong women.)

And remember:

“If you’re a rider for him, make sure he is one for you too.”

Don’t create excuses on why he can't love you adequately…If you cannot value all of me, then you don’t deserve the most personal parts of me.

---

To all you graduating teens and 20 somethings, life is just beginning, have your fun, make lasting friendships, make mistakes, but keep your focus. There are so many things now that can distract you from achieving the best version of you. Everyone wants to party, be seen and look their best all for the attention. Stay keen on those around you and trust your instincts. Be mindful, fast money and fast men are just that, FAST…they come and they go. If a man is for you, he’ll show you. In the meantime, protect your peace, Sweetheart.

P.S. - I flex better than some of you men.

This year isn’t over yet. There is still so much you can do to at least give 2020 three stars.

---

---

Try some of these SUGGESTed items:

Book: How to Make Sh*t Happen

Buy on Amazon

Burn Sage to cleanse your personal space

Buy on Amazon

THe aroma of essential oils can help mental wellness

Buy on Amazon

a diffuser for your essential oils

Buy on Amazon