Appearing Acts

Ever have someone just pop up in your life unexpectedly. Someone new or maybe someone you've already met before who you haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time? But either way, they just appear and make you rethink so many things. - Things you never considered before, things you've avoided, or things that no one else has made you think about. Who was it, where is this person now, and what's his name? 😆🤣

I'm referring to the person as a man because it's usually someone of the male persona that gets us women outside of ourselves. Sometimes for good change and sometimes…well, just for change. Get it?

If you recall a recent post ‘Men Are Demons’ then you were introduced to my distain of when men just pop up and halt your whole world and then when you make adjustments for them, they turn around and act like they never asked you to do any of it. — No Sir, you did not ask me, but as a person who wanted to make you feel comfortable in my life and around me, I made changes to accommodate you. Here’s the thing, anytime there is someone in your life who you spend any time with, you are actively making changes because you are making space for them in your life, whether it is a temporary space or long term space, there are still actions you take to welcome them. And they should be doing the same for you especially if you both want to continue to be significant in each other’s lives. *There are people who need many special names in their phone; I only need 1 that keeps me company from time to time. For instance a man inviting a different woman out rather than inviting the same woman. What would be more foolish of the man is when the women know each other. At that point you’re dealing with someone that doesn’t have direction or still wants to live in his youth and hides behind the thought of “just being nice”.

Men Are Stupid

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Men Are Stupid -

Women don’t have a problem submitting. You’re just not the one she wants to submit to.

I don’t always like surprises, but I like to be surprised, does that make sense? For instance when someone exceeds my expectations or does something I did not think that were capable of doing, or goes against what he would normally do just to see me smile. Like when I am having a bad day and there’s flowers at my door when I get home with a sweet note, or better yet, he’s shows up with dinner in hand. Or if I am out at happy hour and I feel a random hug embrace me or when he reaches out for my hand to help me out of a car, in a car, out of a chair, walking into a room…whatever. To be honest, lately my expectations for men are very low. I’ve seen so many versions of them that it’s hard to believe who they really are. They may behave one way with you, but then you see them shift with other people. And when you ask about it, they feel you are being invasive. — I’ve been told that when a man is fully for you, he won’t have you questioning your place in his mind or heart.

I think in all my years of witnessing men in different scenarios, there is no making sense in what they do or say, they just…exist. And sometimes they think they are doing something admirable, but in reality, it’s inconsiderate. You just have to figure out how their existence benefits your life when they casually stroll in to it. A man is an option, not a definition for a woman and once you realize that, you also realize your worth. There is always a lesson in everything, people can change you, You decide how that change develops.

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You Should Open Up More

This may be the most personal thing I ever write on here…

You’ve ever close yourself off to people? Not because you are antisocial, but in the sense that you don’t trust someone to know you completely and if they do, then you don’t trust how they’ll handle what they know about you. Because we know people can change like the seasons, it can be hard to allow someone to see all of you especially if you’ve been disappointed many times before…I don’t even have 1 friend or family member who knows EVERYTHING about me, I choose what I share about myself to each person in my life.

In the passed weeks, maybe a little over a month, I allowed myself to…open up more. I decided to take a little risk and when I finally let go a little bit, I began to learn new things about myself and to be honest I’m quite surprised with my own behavior lately 🙈. I’m thinking things I’ve never thought of before, saying things I’ve never said before, and doing things I’ve never done 🙉🙊…I don’t know who this “me” is, but I like her.

Yet, this change wasn’t without some influence from a person I have known for years.

Do you ever wonder why things happen the way they do? Why things fall apart? Why things take so long? And why this time now is different? STOP IT. These questions have been circling in my head constantly this passed month or so and there is no answer I can give myself that makes any real sense. When good things happen, you just have to accept what is occurring right now and take it all in. — Don’t think about the “whys”.

When I look at this person (whom shall remain nameless) I see someone who has been in my life for a long time, but due to certain incidences we didn’t communicate with one another for about 6 months (the longest we ever went without speaking in all the years we’ve known each other), somehow an old message got redelivered and we began to interact again. The first few exchanges were simple...How have you been? How are things? What have you been up to?…things like that. I still maintained a distance because I was not sure where his thoughts were, where he was at in life, and I brushed off anything that didn’t seem clear to my understanding of what I already knew of him. Our conversations became silly and entertaining as if it were two childhood friends hanging out through texting. He’d send certain messages that would catch me off guard and make me wonder what his real interest with me was (I think I told him once to erase any memories of private details he knew of me 😂). It was like this for a few weeks…mind you, we still have not physically seen each other at this point…he did invite me a out few times to come meet some people, but I was hesitant and I decided to stay in. Then not long after he asked me if I was available that I am welcome to come by a lounge and hang out with him and a few friends on Sunday. I was still reluctant at first because again, we’ve not seen each other in a long time, our last experience with one another was not the best and I saw a side of him that left me wondering, Who did I really know? — I wasn’t sure if I was fully ready for us to come back in each other’s lives, but then I thought, Why not? We’d be out and around other people I know and I should just enjoy the time with everyone. And it felt good to have him invite me. — I knew I couldn’t keep avoiding him 😣.

Here’s a side note: Even though this year was unexpected, I still strived through and kept my peace of mind going. I focused on what I need to focus on and let go of things that wasn’t keeping me on the right path of good energy or taking me away from my values. So when what seemed to be out of no where, someone whom I’ve not spoken to in a long time presents a demeanor that I’ve not seen before, it raises eyebrows and it’s like, “Hold up just a second Sir, where are you coming from, where have you been and what do you want? My life is great, I have my weekly routines: I moisturize my skin, paint my nails, and deep condition my hair on certain days, I like to read and play vinyls, I hang out with my kids, so don’t come in here and fck sh*t up.” 👀 — This was my knee jerk reaction. (I’m not too high maintenance, but I still maintain.)

The initial weekend plans changed a little. We instead saw each other on Saturday which I was not expecting. I figured he already had his weekend laid out and that I would see him on Sunday, so it was a surprise to see a message come through asking what I was doing and saying to me, “If you want me to come out, I can.” — So many times in our recent communication, I would look at my phone, pause, take in a small breath of air, do a blank stare, and think, “Where is this attention coming from? Does he know he’s talking to me? Is he bored?” 🤔

I was nervous to see him, I didn’t know how we were going to act towards each other, if we’d embrace each other, or if there would be some tainted residue from when we last saw each other. — But, there wasn’t any animosity when we were finally face to face, we gave each other a hug and headed out for the evening. We enjoyed ourselves. He either stood or sat by me throughout the night and was giving me compliments and asking if I needed anything. It almost reminded me of the night we first met, but this time seemed…different. I didn't know what to make of him and I kept asking myself, “What is going on with him? What is he up to?” At the close of the night, we did have a little heart to heart. He surprised me with some of his actions and a few things he mentioned made me start to see what his intentions are with me…he’s never behaved or spoken to me like this before which made me wonder even more about what’s going on in his head. 😳

Since that Saturday, our dialogue shifted slightly, still with the silly conversations, but with the addition to other topics of interest. There is now a version on him I’m seeing that he claims has always been there 😂. This version is reminiscent of who he was when I first met him, but more heightened. He is showing a very dominant aspect of him I’ve never seen before, but he is also very attentive, affectionate, and keeps reassuring me that he’s placing me on a certain level that he wants to protect and keep respecting. It’s like the way he speaks to me, the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, the way he handles me, my thoughts are saying, 📣 “Girl, let that man in your life! Forget about whatever you saw before and let him show you who he wants to be for you!“ It’s like I’m battling with myself over this and one of my good friends is always saying to me, “Why won’t you let anyone love you?” I’ve yet to tell her about my recent escapades, but once she reads this, my phone is going to be blowing up! (And just so none of you gets confused, this man and I never dated in the past, he is not an ex, so I’m not recycling old feelings.)

Our interactions publicly have been great, I’m sure people see us together and have their speculations and I’m in the mood of “Let them think what they want”. He and I are in the same playing field when it comes to people having interest in us. I can see the allure of how women look at him or what they may want from him, but neither of us are the possessive or jealous and things that he’s already disclosed to me about other women he’s been involved with doesn’t bother me at all. — If he’s not rekindling anything with them or giving any woman the effort that he is showing me, then why should I be fazed? 🤨 If someone wants to get bold, then it's on him to address those individuals and if there is anything I am upset about, we’ll discuss it in private. He can hug someone (respectfully), chat with her, even get her a drink; we are both people-persons which means we make small talk with anyone and enjoy ourselves. I don’t care to look at his phone, I don’t care to ask where he’s at all the time, and it doesn’t make me feel any different towards him if we aren’t always calling or texting each other. We both have busy schedules and like our mental space, even if he’s out with his friends or around other people, that is still his own time that he needs to keep being himself.

One thing you should understand about people, those who take good care of themselves are able to take good care of others. -- I want to be good to him and him, me.

Okay, so I won’t go too much into the details, but I’ll crack the window just a little this time…The private interactions between him and myself have been…well, I’ve yet to find the words to expound on the things we say to each other when no one is around without being too revealing and again, my thoughts are like, 📢 “Bitch! LET. THAT. MAN. TELL. YOU. AND. LET. HIM. SHOW. YOU!” This man has brought out a side of me I never knew existed. It’s almost like I have two personalities 🙃. My inner voice keeps talking to me: “What is going on here? Are we really doing this? Girl, did you just say that, who are you!? Are we going all the way there?! Did you just let him do that?! What are we doing?! Don’t tell him No! Let him fcking do it! Tell him what you feel! Say it louder!” 😳 Honestly, I’m at the point where he can call me Bitch (in a non-mean way) and I won’t even flinch…You see, I’m not from this generation where everything is so sensitive…I grew up listening to music about selling hard drugs and knowing how to love on women, these kids are listening to music about doing hard drugs and running through women, we are NOT the same…and let me also mention, that song WAP is nothing compared to Oochie Wally.

Back to the person who I won’t mention his name, our aura has been very relaxed, but I think that has much to do with who we are individually…Fam, I even wore sweatpants around him. FCKN SWEATPANTS, A TANK TOP AND SLIDES — IN PUBLIC — WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE ME! No one sees me in my casual look unless I’m out volunteering and even then I’m wearing leggings, a fitted t-shirt, and Timberlands. People who have known me for 20+ years have never seen me in sweats, it’s almost as rare as seeing me in jeans. I don’t even run errands in sweatpants! Who the fck am I right now?! 🤨 I could be wrong and this could all be a foolish game to him, but I do feel like he won’t do anything to harm me or interfere what we have going on right now and I’m not hung up on things other women may be hung up on. If he wants me to stay in his life, he’ll make choices to be sure I don’t go anywhere and he knows I love it when his hands are on me. It’s a whole different feeling when he touches me, whether in public or in private; and when we lock eyes, I only see and feel him.— 🔊 But listen though and don’t judge me….almost every day since the Saturday we first saw each other again, I randomly find myself sitting on the edge of my subconscious dangling my legs off the cliff and I’m just looking over on all of our interactions lately. Every scene is replaying as if I’m watching an old Hollywood movie and I’m being more intrigued every time I watch because I’m catching details that I missed the first time. And I hate that I keep asking myself….Wtf is going on right now?! 😂

It’s hard to process all the “What ifs” in life, but if you don’t ever let your guard down, how will you ever experience what could be the best feelings you've ever known? Don’t you owe yourself that pleasure? I don’t know where this man is leading me, but I’m letting it happen and my guard is definitely descending. — Lawd, please don’t push me off this cliff without a parachute. 😫

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High Expectations

If my topics are becoming redundant, it's because people keep doing the same things, so I have to keep these thoughts in rotation....

Never be the woman who demands a man to think about her ⚠.

We tend to create expectations for people we barley know.  We expect them to be considerate of our feelings.  We expect them to reach out to us often.  We expect them to make time for us.  Why?  What if this person does not want the same things or have the same plans?  What do you want that is opposed to what he or she wants? What did you misinterpret? 

Sometimes it's not the men, it's the women who have premeditated expectations or demands of him. (Yes, my sisters, we must take some blame for our heartache.)

The only expectation I have of a man is for him to be a man per his own definition. 🔀: Then it is my discretion to accept the man as he is because I refuse to invest time into changing someone who has his own thoughts and plans. ⛔: Unless you are already committed to one another and both identify that things need to change, the "We need to talk" can fall on deaf ears.  ℹ : And the list that you want to discuss, go over, and revisit is probably last on his mind, he may entertain it but, it's not his focus. Especially, if he has many things going on in his life that doesn't require you.

Many incidences result to: She says they're dating but, he says they're just hanging out. She is more involved than he.  Pay attention to your perspective in conjunction with his.

I have discussed with several friends about their experienced and I never just look at their side of the story.  I consider the other the possibilities of their thoughts or feelings and my response is not always in favor of my friends.

You shouldn't have to ask "What are we?" (I've only ever asked that once. I was 18 then.)  A man who knows what he wants or doesn't want will make it clear.  And if things aren't transparent, he may still be figuring out parts of his life, you can chose to hang on or you can continue your life unaffected.  And if you can subdue your 'crazy' then you can do both.

The only time I had certain expectations of a man was when it was clear that we were in a relationship and had plans to grow together.  And friends who knew me through this part of my life knew I went through the hell and high water! 📉😤

Devaluing Your Partner

When you speak negatively about your partner, or even when you make jokes with negative undertones, it lessens the value of your partner and takes from their confidence in the relationship.  Not only that, but others also gain a sense of "right" to then ridicule your partner. 

I don't know about you but, anyone who speaks against the one I am with also speaks against ME.

You chose your partner as well as your partner chose you.  So what goes against them also goes against you.  Instead of breaking down my partner, I would rather guide, uplift, and encourage him.

No relationship we have is simple, even if it seems easy because the two of you get along, there will still be times of dispute.  I am a firm believer of keeping personal matters private especially when involving a spouse or partner.  We can ask for outside support but, any detailed issues should be resolved privately between the two.  With my personal experience in my last run at love, our issues were NOT private since there was a third party involved who sought the demise of our relationship.  And this third party involved others as well, so I could not address anything privately and nothing could be resolved other than the decision for me to leave and move on with my life.

BUT, even during this madness, I did not speak unjustly of my partner, I basically let everyone know he was figuring things out and we were going to do the best we can for our family...even though I knew deep down inside, I was ready for it to be over.

And I might have made these statements before but, when you love someone, it's not enough to just tell him "I love you". It's how you love him.  You partner doesn't just want to hear those words but, to also live in the feeling of your them.  When you make less of your actions, you make less of your words, your sincerity, your promise to support and protect the love you have for your spouse.

I do not know when I will find myself in another relationship and I do not want to love the wrong person again but, I know he is going to love everything I offer him.

When he's happy, I share his joy
When he's proud, I am proud with him
When he's hungry, I prepare his plate
When he's lonely, I sit with him
When he's ill, I bring him tea and soup
When he's cold, I cuddle him
When he's stressed, I lay his head on my lap
When he's wrong, I tell him about his rights
When he's lost, I guide him back home to me
- Raya L.

The Placement of a Kiss

A kiss is more than just a kiss when it is from the right person and place on the right location.  I do not know if men realized the affect they can have on a woman just by knowing how and where to kiss her. 

The Neck/Shoulder kiss: Some would consider this a lust kiss or a tease kiss and maybe it is.  When a man hugs you or pulls you close to him and kisses you there, you are definitely more than just friends and he definitely thinks of you as someone sweet or special. 

The Forehead kiss: This is my absolute favorite and the most endearing kiss of all.  To me, this kiss means, I care for you, I adore you, I admire you, I want to protect you, I want you near me, I want you in my life.  When things were good, my ex would give me the forehead kiss while I was falling asleep on his chest and at that quick moment, I felt all the world could be in disarray but, I was at peace. 

Chivalry

I refuse to believe that chivalry is dead. 
I also refuse to believe that only the elder generation practice it.

I'm all for women being independent and managing their own homes, jobs, finances, families, etc.  It's awesome but, we are still WOMEN and as for myself, I still like for him to open the door and extend his hand to help me out.  Is it necessary?  No but, the gesture is appreciated.  Also, another tiny thing I admire is when he opens the door to let me walk in first and as I am walking in, his hand is slightly behind my waist as if to signifying 1. I am his company 2. If there is someone or something that's in my way he can just pull me out of caution. I guess I would consider that a "protective" gesture.

In casual settings around friends and family, chivalry doesn't have to be as prominent but, still considered.  Come stand with me if I am conversing with people and join the conversation or just see how I'm doing. Show light affection like a forehead kiss or half hug (for serious couples) or a simple back caress and move on.  Just show subtle acknowledgements that I am there with you.

I've also noticed, with some of my male friends, they insist on walking on the "outside" of a sidewalk (closer to the street) when walking with a woman. A woman who does not know the importance of this was not taught right or is used to the wrong type of man...I cannot recall if my ex did this since I have gotten used to blocking him out of memory but, considering I cannot think of any chivalrous gestures, he probably did not display any. But, let's not cry me a river...I've learned better.
We also must take into account that if a woman wants a man to be chivalrous, she has to be worthy of it and carry herself like a lady.  It's only right. Why should he accommodate you if you have a funky attitude and is ungrateful to him.